Original subtitles

Come on, Blitzo. You can't hide in your office all day.

Honey, I told you I'm with a client!

Yeah, about your client. People want the coat rack back.

Should we just get a new one?

Loony, Daddy's going through something called depression-rage.

Okay? It's like regular depression but with some asshole to blame.

By "asshole," do you mean Stolas?

Or is this one of those self-loathing things?

Sweetheart, I love you, and you're adorable,

but you have no idea what it is like

when someone you really desire is out diddling someone else.

Uh-huh. Yeah, well, he's working here, and he's living with us.

You kind of have to suck it up.

Can't you, like, be mature about this?

I am fucking mature!

That's not the problem!

Are you so lonely it hurts?

Oh, my gods, it hurts so bad!

Are you thinking maybe you could do with a romantic embrace of a stranger

to keep you warm at night?

- Oh, it's so cold it hurts! - Well, lucky for you,

there's a service that can link you up with singles like this and whatnot.

Hello. Would you like to be on top of me?

What a catch. Who else is out there?

I like, uh, well, not specifically, but, for example, feet.

Singles are standing by to take your call!

I'm looking for Jeffrey. He knows what he did.

Hubba, hubba!

I'm looking for someone to be mean to me, because I'm a real piece of shit.

Every moment you're not calling is a person you're not meeting.

I'm looking for someone who can really appreciate my Fizzarolli impression.

Hey, what's up?

Fuck! I fucked it up!

This is what's out there.

What? Do you want to be alone?

I want a guy who's into the obscure holes.

I'm talking nostrils, baby.

You think you're too good for this? You ain't.

I like planes. I like space.

I like mountains. I just... I just like to be up.

Sometimes I'll just climb a ladder. Just whatever gets me up.

If you could do better, you wouldn't be watching.

Oh, like, I'm not saying it's this, but, you know, maybe piss on me?

Deal with it!

♪ If you're feeling tired of feeling so lonely ♪

♪ then give us a call ♪

♪ Yeah, just pick up the phonely ♪

♪ It's our guarantee if you call I.M.P. ♪

- What?! - ♪ you'll immediately meet people ♪

- Oh, I'll give you a call, motherfucker. - ♪ Just dial 555-555-443 ♪

♪ 545-664-44... ♪

Wait! Too fast! Tits!

♪ 5555-124 ♪

♪ 444-5555 ♪

♪ 444-443-3336 ♪

♪ Picture of a dinosaur ♪

♪ 5442-222 ♪

♪ then a bunch of threes ♪

♪ 22-479 ♪

♪ Immediately Meet People ♪

I say, I say, call today!

Ah, tits!

I'm stepping out for a--

- What the fuck is happening here? - It's Moxxie's birthday, Blitzo.

- I knew that. - Did you?

Yeah, well, no offense, but one of you fuckers

is my ex, who's currently in the rebound process, and--

I don't know-- I'm just not trying to think about

what that beak munched on last night, 'cause it sure as shit wasn't cake!

Okay, this has gone far enough.

First off, I am not your ex.

Yeah, well, you're my...

You're my something at least.

Well, right now, I'm your employee,

and I'd appreciate it if you could show me

some professionalism.

There's your rack back, you simps.

Blitzo! That's no way to treat Stolas for being a slut.

You're a slut, too,

so you don't get to depression-rage on my husband's birthday!

- Oh, I am not a slut. - Chaz.

Your husband's a gourd!

Mmm.

Where is that little possum-fucking rat's dick?!

Do you have an appointment?

Even better, I have a lawsuit!

I say, I say!

You've said enough!

I get it. You're hurt because I used a similar-sounding name for my business.

It's not similar. It's identical, you fucking moron.

Change the name now!

Come now, Blitz-o. I ain't done nothing.

You can come all you want, just change... the... name!

I'd love to do that for you, but I just can't,

when I already got the rights to I.M.P.,

which the registrar's office said you never filed for.

Where the fuck are those documents? I'll shred them myself!

Yeah! Motherfucker!

Good! I hate paper, too!

- Hey, hey, you stop! No, no! - Paper-- Oh! Paper cut!

Hey, singles, uh, stop him!

- Punch! - Uh-oh!

Got us coffee, babe, but... it tastes like piss.

- Blitz-o?! - Verosika?!

I say, I say, let's all be mature adults about this here.

Let's not lose our heads, I say, I say.

- You're about to lose your fucking accent. - Oh.

You don't get to be angry that I found someone actually decent.

No, I don't, but I am anyway. Shit on me.

I mean, I know I'm in Hell, but this day has been one butt-fucker.

Look, I might've taken your ex, and I might've taken your company name, but--

Now you're taking my patience.

Ow!

I'm gonna sue you for everything you've got

and let my daughter mangle what's left!

Oh, these fucking doors these days.

You push it.

Get fucked!

Thank you all for being here tonight.

You're paying us to be here, sir.

That was never in writing. Look, we got to hit him where it hurts.

These are the addresses of his family members

and a list of places that sell cheap bombs.

Blitzo, I ain't killing the Wackfords.

They're friends of my family.

You know, Blitzo, maybe we should go about this more legally.

I'd be happy to help.

You know I spent years studying Hell's judicial system.

Yeah? You sure you could schedule time between all those randos you're porking?

What happened to being mature about things?

I am being mature about--

Oh. Okay. All right. Fine.

Stolas, how does your cock-gobbling beak propose we handle this?

Oh.

Well...

She knows bullshit when she smells it.

That's bullshit!

This... is Judge Jiner's House of Judgment.

28-year-old Wallace Wackford of Wrath

claims to have innocently started his dating hotline business, I.M.P.,

as a way to provide singles with a service of care here in the lonely depths of Hell.

I say, I say, I do, I do what I can.

I can, I say, I do.

Aw!

Blitzo Buckzo claims Wallace Wackford stole the likeness

and logo of his company's name.

He will also be represented by the banished Goetian royal, Stolas.

Gonna be hard to overlook that during the trial.

And now, please rise for the Honorable Judge Jiner.

Sit down.

So, Blitz-o, you're suing Wally Wackford.

Heard of you, by the way.

I use the Wackford Hole Sucker every morning.

Oh, you mean the Wackford Soul Sucker.

Oh, that's what it's for.

If I may keep us on subject,

my client is suing this snake oil salesman

on account of him using the very clearly established I.M.P. acronym,

regardless of whether or not it was legally registered.

I hear you're legally registered, you classist pervert!

Sex offender!

I am not a sex offender.

Well, I find your sex offensive.

Wally, what do you have to say about their claims?

Well, I say, I say, my business is entirely legitimate.

Just look at how much good it's done in such a short time.

Look at all them beautiful singles I helped find true love.

Not a single single we couldn't help mingle

or get laid.

- Wake me up when he's guilty. - Which one?

Eh.

May I speak, Your... Judgy-ness?

Your... Your Judgesty?

- "Your Honor." - Oh, no, just "Blitzo" is fine.

- Speak, dickhead! - Okay, with all due respect,

Wallace Wackford may kindly gobble my fat, red cock.

Oh!

No, he didn't!

- You want to come again? - I don't want to come at all

knowing he's fucking that hole I used to know!

I say, I say, don't talk to her that way!

"I say, I say, don't talk to her that way."

That's what you sound like.

- Oh! - Drama!

You're getting all this, right?

Your Honor, with no due respect,

he's just jealous because my Wally is better than him in every way.

Bitch, please.

He's kind, and he's funny,

and you wouldn't believe how good he eats me out.

- Ew! - Yuck.

Your Honor, this isn't relevant to the case at all.

I think we should focus on the fact that my client--

Oh, relationships aren't relevant to you?

- I'm so shocked. - I just mean--

You sure don't make it obvious when you go out fucking every night.

Blitz-o Buckzo has just called his Goetic lawyer a slut.

- Oh! - Oh, shit!

Yeah! Slut power!

Well, I can't wait to see who's guilty.

Let's find out after this quick commercial break.

And... we're out.

I'm taking my dump.

May I speak with you for a moment?

And what the fuck you think you're doing right now?

Alone, please.

Look, I don't know if I can continue doing this.

Then go home. At least then I can say my lawyer fucked me.

I mean, to work with you, Blitzo.

You have been utterly vile to be around since--

Since what? Since I opened myself up to you

and you threw me in the fucking trash?

Hey, maybe close the lid next time

so I don't have to watch you getting cream-pied till the garbage man shows up!

Yeah, walk a little faster.

Hey, maybe you can squeeze in an extra cock or two...

...before I'm home!

All right, everyone, we're back in 30.

Places, people.

Your Honor, we can't start yet. We're still waiting on--

- Makeup! - Oh. Ooh.

He's saying we're still waiting for-- Gah!

No! No, get off me!

Yes.

Mucho makeup.

Previously on Judge Jiner...

- Eat me out! - I don't want to come!

I am... sex offender.

I'm the main character.

Now, let's see who the fuck is guilty.

Welcome back.

Today we've got Wally Wackford...

- Howdy hoodle. - ...and Blitz-o Buckzo.

Who still isn't back from recess!

That's what I was trying to tell you.

I don't get why you think you're entitled

- to me and my intimate relations. - Well, I don't get

why you insist on going out and fucking other guys.

Kinky fucking, by the way.

Not even regular fucking.

When I'm right here!

- Should I tell them their mics are on? - Fuck no!

This is the best day of my damn life.

You barged back into my life

just to steal my grimoire.

Then you leveraged my feelings to benefit yourself and your business,

which I'll remind you I am fighting for today!

Leverage? Oh, give-- Fuck you!

You're a nine-foot royal prince with magic powers!

Excuse me for not knowing that demon princes were capable of feeling shit!

It's like he has no clue

how his actions hurt everyone around him.

Give him a break.

He lost everything and has to live with Blitzo now.

Uh, I was talking about Blitzo.

He's handling this whole thing terribly.

Well, how do you expect Blitzo, of all people,

to handle a rebounding ex in the workplace?

Mm, they're not technically "exes," Millie.

Well, they were something.

You know, I don't even buy

that you ever wanted a relationship with me,

'cause you didn't give me any warning or a chance to fucking talk about it,

and then, the second I want something more, you just opened

your holes to every Tom,

Dick and comer in the underworld!

What?!

Ugh. Is he serious?

The concept of "us" was just

more of your bullshit escape fantasy, wasn't it?

You fucked me to run away from your old life,

and now you're fucking everyone else to run away from me.

Yeah, get him, Blitzo!

Everyone knows royals got a kink for lower classes dicking 'em down!

Millie, Stolas is our friend.

Sorry.

I got too caught up in all this drama.

You can't be serious!

I nearly sacrificed my fucking life for you,

and only then did you finally decide you cared.

I tried so hard to convince you of my feelings.

I gave you the way out.

I asked for nothing in return.

It's not my fault you never believed it,

and somehow you still don't!

Oh, Lucifer's Gooch, what the fuck am I supposed to do?

Just forget about the full year you held that book over me?

If you liked me so much, you could've just let me borrow it.

But, no, you needed your booty call every month.

It's not like I was the one in control of that!

Yeah, Stolas could've ended that way sooner.

He was stupid and in love, Millie.

At what point, when you had me bound and gagged on the bed,

did you not feel in control?

The first thing you did was tie me down and bite me.

You brought this thirsty, loud, slutty thing out of me,

and I... I thought it's what you wanted.

Clearly, I misread, but I really thought

you were comfortable with what we were doing.

I wish I had seen the red flags.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

It means that I was too stupid to notice

you barely wanted to spend any time with me, or talk or cuddle

or anything that wasn't just sex.

So I don't know how you could think sex was all I wanted.

I tried to give you more.

I say Stolas is making some really good points.

Well, I say Blitzo has good ones, too.

Well, I say, I say--

You don't get to say shit!

They're both fucking guilty...

of miscommunication.

Uh, let me take that again.

I'm sorry. Uh, can you repeat that again, Stolas?

Because all I'm hearing is a bunch of bitching

spilling from the community cloaca!

I told you these hookups don't mean anything!

I've just been feeling such overwhelming guilt for everything I've done,

and I just wanted to try to get out of that

or feel like I was being punished for it,

but now you've made me feel guilty for that, too. Gah!

Now I'm starting to get why all your exes can't stand you.

Oh, fuck you. Fuck you!

I've never opened myself up the way I did for you!

I gave you my beating fucking heart, and you... What did you do?

You started fucking other people on top of it!

If this is you opening up, then you have a nasty way of doing it.

Yeah, well, that's me, I guess.

Glad we finally see each other for who we are.

I'll just keep being an unlovable asshole,

and you can keep being a filthy fucking whore!

Uh, no, you don't get to cry.

I'm the one that gets to cry!

You hurt me!

You're right, Blitzo.

What the fuck? No, I'm not.

Well, I mean, I am, but you're not supposed to agree with me yet!

This is my fault.

I never meant for any of this to happen,

and yet, it all has, and it's all--

Stolas, don't. It's-- I know what you're about to say here.

I'm sorry.

For the pain I put you through.

For the mistakes I've made.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know why I need to go out and be spit on and insulted. I-I...

I just know it's what I deserve.

And I... I didn't want that to be you because, oh,

what if that's how you'd always see me?

I-I'd hate to think that you are just... are just...

But, no, you're right. Why-why not just let it be you?

Why not just give you what you want? It's what I wanted, right? It's--

I just.. I'm-I'm...

- I don't know. I don't know. - Hang on.

Hang on. This... this is a lot to unpack.

Shit. Uh...

Viewers at home are voting, and it looks like the owl is in the lead,

now that he's admitting he done fucked up.

- But he admitted he lost! - Makeup!

Not again! Aah!

I can't breathe! Fuck off!

I know what it's like to hate yourself.

To punish yourself.

Stolas, I had no idea that that's...

that's where all this was coming from.

I'm sorry.

How do we even come back from this?

I don't know that we can.

Can you at least just tell me why?

I'll listen.

Blitzo.

I want to let myself be with you, but I can't,

because all I would think about is how I chose what I wanted

over my daughter, over everything.

And I lost her because of it.

I lost the most precious thing I had.

Betrayed her and ruined so much.

I would never be able to rid myself of the guilt and the shame.

You don't deserve that.

Well, you don't get to decide what I deserve.

Blitzo.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully fall into a love I've tainted so badly.

You and I have both lost a lot in our lifetime, Stolas,

and there might be a universe where we lose each other, too.

But I don't want to live in that universe.

Neither do I.

I mean, it is weird that I'm actually your boss now, isn't it?

It is.

This really is not easy for me in the slightest,

but, look, if I have to be a mature person to make whatever this is work,

even if we can't be with each other right now,

then I'm willing to give it a shot,

because I never want to make you cry again, Stolas.

Thank you, Blitzo.

It's beautiful.

I hope they can work through their problem.

What the fuck is everyone so happy about?

Did we win?

No, sir. Um...

- Your mic. - Oh, fuck!

Don't worry.

I'm proud of you, Blitzo.

Anyway,

we still need to fucking find out who won this fucking case!

Honorable Judge Jiner,

Blitzo Buckzo is a very accomplished imp.

He is an assassin, he is a businessman,

and his business, I.M.P., has existed for a long time.

Now, Wackford has indeed claimed the name I.M.P. for his dating service,

but Buckzo was working professionally

under the name before Wackford founded his service.

By default, Blitzo is entitled

to the copyright and recognition of his name and logo,

as well as his jingle.

♪ When you want somebody gone and you don't wanna wait too long ♪

♪ call the Immediate Murder Professionals...

Ooh.

- Catchy. - Oh, from the pilot.

I know, right? Now, I know the legal system well,

and you cannot plagiarize someone's copyrighted material,

even if they didn't register it,

especially when it is this heavily sourced.

Same shit. Buckzo wins.

- Hell yeah! That's how it's done! - We did it!

- Yee-haw! - Eat shit!

We did it, Blitzo! We won!

Thanks for watching, everyone. Go home.

Get out. Shoo!

All right, bring in the lobsters.

So, lady, how does it feel to win back your company name?

We won!

We won! We won! We won!

- You don't need that. - We won! We won! We won!

- Hey, lady. Can I have it back? - We won!

- We fucking won! - Lady, I still need that.

Now, Blitzo, we heard you out there in the hallway.

You promised your ex-fucker you're gonna be more mature.

Is that a promise you can fulfill?

Mm-hmm. I did say that.

I said that whole thing on live television, didn't I?

So I-I guess I better start being a mature person.

Otherwise, I'd look real fucking stupid.

Look!

♪ It's the fucking loser ♪

♪ the little fucking loser ♪

♪ with the stupid cane and a stupid fucking hat ♪

How's it feel, cuck? Ha-ha!

I mean, uh, hey,

no hard feelings, buddy.

Ya can't win 'em all.

Listen, you, um... you've clearly got a flair for wowing a crowd.

How'd you like to come work for the O.G. I.M.P.?

You... You want to give me a job?

Yeah. I mean, why not?

I'm such a mature guy now, right?

You could help us get our name out there more.

Oh, thank you! You hear that, babe?

Hmm. I hear it.

And there you have it.

Blitzo Buckzo really is one Helluva...

No. One damn good businessman.

Good to see you doing the right thing, Blitzo.

Ah, shit! Loona!

- Can you lift your legs, miss? - Did we win?

Ah, fuck!

Thank you.