Original subtitles

So, we know how special this object is to you.

Yes. Yeah.

Would you like to see what we've done?

Yeah! No I-I...I cannot wait.

MUSIC: One Day Like This by Elbow

So throw those curtains wide

One day like this a year would see me right...

Sorry.

Oh.

SOBBING: Sorry.

Oh, no! Oh!

I'm going now.

Don't, you'll make me start.

Throw those curtains wide...

HE CRIES

HE SOBS IN GASPS

CRYING CONTINUES

Oh, God.

One day like this a year would see me right...

I don't know what to say.

One day like this a year would see me right

Throw those curtains wide

One day...

Oh, my goodness. Sorry.

Yeah.

Phew!

Ooh.

So, was it everything you thought it would be?

No.

What the fuck have you done to my grandfather's watch?

This is a fucking dolls house!

Where's the watch?

Well...it's a dolls house now.

But why?!

That's been in my family for generations!

The director's just over there.

RISING MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

OK. Hello, Clare.

My name is Anne and I will be driving with you today.

Anne, really nice to meet you.

All right just to start, let's check - MSPSL.

Erm, MSPSL.

Mirrors, signal, position,

er, space. Is it space?

It's speed. Speed, love. Speed.

Speed. Probably the most important in terms of avoiding fatalities.

You're all right. Our Rosie lost both her legs

because of someone speeding and not looking. You're all right.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Well, she walks on her hands now.

But let's face it, she's never going to marry. You're all right.

OK, seat belt - you're all right.

Mirrors - you're all right.

Hands at ten and two. OK.

Let's go. You're all right.

Very nice.

So, Clare, how's your week been?

Well... Yeah, of course it has been.

Well, I've been better. Our Kev's foot has gone black.

It's not diabetes, he's had a mental break

and stolen our Molly's acrylic paints and painted it black himself.

Never been less attracted to him.

You're all right.

Well done, that was a tricky corner!

Phew, thank you!

Last time I saw my sister was on that corner.

She's dead now, of course.

You're all right.

Gosh, that must be really hard.

Well, I say dead - she may as well be.

Degenerative, in her muscles.

God, sorry, did I...? Eyes on the road, love, not me.

No. The road. Ten and two. Ten and two.

Yep. You're all right.

It's ten, it's two.

It's ten... It's ten and two. You're all right.

It's a clock. Yeah.

And your hands are at 10am and 2pm. You're all right.

WATCH OUT! God.

You nearly flattened that old man.

That's what happened to me grandad.

Ten and two. Oh, sorry.

No, no, you're OK. Calm down, calm down.

It's OK. Mm-hm.

There's a lot of pressure being a driver, you know. Yep.

One wrong move and you could ruin so many people's lives.

Not to mention your own.

There's a bin over there! God.

No, I was just saying, there's a bin over there.

If you'd like to pull up over here then, Clare. You're all right.

So, erm, did I pass, or...? What, love?

Did I pass my test?

SHE CHUCKLES

I'm not a driving instructor, love.

God, no. No way!

SHE CHUCKLES

You're all right.

Wait, what do you...what do you mean?

No, no, I just needed a lift.

Your car's always open, so I hopped in.

Listen, good luck, pet.

You're absolutely gorgeous, you. Yeah.

You got no worries, love. You'll be fine.

No need to let me out, love. What?!

What are you...?

DINGING

Hiya, Clare! You all right?

SHE GASPS

God.

What?

And now over to Westminster with an all-new-look

Prime Minister's Questions.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS

MP's for today's session include...

I'm sometimes called Serpent.

I have skin with scales.

I may have a venomous bite

or a rattle in my tail.

What am I?

3,000 snakes on the loose.

But will they find them?

It's Find The Snakes!

LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Four years ago, I accidentally released 1,000 snakes into my home.

Ssssss!

They've bred like wild fire

and caused irreparable structural damage to my house.

Can YOU find them?

Find the snakes!

Gather in. Gather in, my little serpent wranglers.

OK. You're all here today to help me find my snakes, is that correct?

This is my home. This is my actual house -

I actually live here.

I need these snakes out of my house.

Right.

Let's find them.

But there's a twist.

Shit!

There's one big snake - Sammy.

Heeee!

If you wake her, she will cause absolute havoc.

Don't wake her.

You have an hour.

Snakes.

Let's find them.

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

Can't see any snakes!

For God's sake, Clive, just look!

Snakes like to hide and don't want to be found.

So under sinks and in grandma's minks is where you'll find them.

It's simple -

find the snakes.

Oh, God! Here they are! They're in here.

T-They're everywhere. Oh, my God!

Oh, God. This is nuts, seriously.

You're the wranglers and these land eels need to be found.

Find them. Snake, snake, snake, snake! Oh, my God, there's snakes.

Snakes! Snakes!

Just calm down, Clive, you're making them angry.

Sorry, I don't know what I'm bloody doing! All right!

A snake is as a snake does.

But I need these snakes found and bagged,

and I need them found and bagged tonight.

LOUD ALARM AND SIREN

Someone's woken the beast.

LOUD HISSING Everyone - to the hallway!

Reeeeeee!

It's Samantha the snake. She's woken up.

Uh-oh!

CONTESTANTS SHRIEK

I warned you. I did warn you.

Reeeeeee!

Carry on finding snakes!

Snake! Snake, snake, snake, snake!

Oh, my God!

OVERLAPPING GROANS AND MOANS

It's bit me! It's bit me!

Oh, my God, Clive! It's bit me!

Tamsin, it's too late for him, there's nothing you can do.

You've got ten minutes left.

Let's find the snakes.

PAINED MOANING

Sorry, Clive.

SAMMY: Weeee!

CLIVE WAILS

TAMSIN SCREAMS

Reeeeeee!

THEY SCREAM

Reeeee!

Find the snakes!

I still can't find any fucking snakes. Easy girl!

Ree! Ree! Ree! Oh!

Huh?

ROARS

Oh, my God!

The snake's forked tongue has hid the mouse.

Your time's up.

Let's head to the kitchen and count snake.

CLIVE GROANS

Jesus Christ!

TAKES A DEEP NASAL BREATH

So nobody bagged a single snake.

Not one.

No-one.

Sorry, no. It was just too hard, man.

Do you understand what's going on here?

If I don't get rid of these snakes, I lose my house.

Do you understand?

I lose my home!

Did you not get any insurance?

Shut up. Shut up, Tamsin!

I sleep with a knife on a stick.

I'm too scared to use the toilet so I mostly don't go.

I literally can't get rid of them!

And Samantha has to live here as well. Oh, no.

Well, she doesn't have to live here.

I-I asked her to live here.

I'm in love with her.

Argh! ..ing hell.

Join me next week as another bunch of reptilian wranglers

try and help me round up me snakes.

Until then, I've got a house full of snakes.

Let's hope you...

UPWARD INFLECTION: ..can find them.

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

Oh, damn it.

My orange.

BOTH: Is nothing ever going right for your life?

Are your dreams falling into the bin?

TUTS

Oh...

Then don't worry because, if your life is dirty like hell,

then all new internet nails life coach and self-belief centre

is here to help.

We have all-new confidence motivator

and pick-up artist who can advise you on boss bitch attitude,

getting respect of women

and making four-figure cash sum in minimum six-year plan.

Everyone - go wild, go crazy, it's Nikki.

LIGHT APPLAUSE

Woo, woo, woo.

OK, people, this is it.

Follow these rules, erm,

and you will be pissing success for breakfast

and shitting success for breakfast.

Number one - naked the bitch.

Number two - kiss the bitch.

Number three - marry the bitch.

Question. Yeah?

HE SNEEZES LOUDLY

We have invited celebrity speaker to come and teach you

how to be as good as they, them.

Hello, I am the celebrity guest speaker.

MAN GASPS LOUDLY

I am here to tell you that it wasn't always red carpet car keys,

diamond denim lifestyle for me.

I had my struggles too.

What no-one knows about me...

DEVICE VOICE: Bluetooth mode. Sorry.

What no-one knows about me is I nearly lost my life.

I had addiction.

My addict was...

..Candy Crush. Oh!

Crushing, crushing. Crunching, crunching.

No crush was ever enough.

I almost lost my life.

I'm here today to say that I am five years clean of the crush

and also that you can, you can do that...this too.

APPLAUSE

WEAK WHISTLING

Surround yourself with motivational catchphrase

from some of the best thinkers in the world -

Eminem, Disney character and The Mask.

"Somebody stop me."

ONLINE GAMES DING

He was very, very funny or very ill

but no-one will stop him.

DINGING AND MUSIC

And no-one will stop me

from opening up my own car garage...

No. Stop.

Thank you very much, Dr Nikki.

SHE APPLAUDS

I just love this candy g-game.

So, please, come and save your life today

with internet nails confident increasement and self-belief salon.

By the time you leave, your dreams will be everywhere.

I ran out of crush.

Hey! My crush, man. Give me my crush. No.

Give my crush!

Give my crush.

HE LAUGHS

Crush him, man! Crush. Sh!

Sorry, just to check, a-am I definitely going the right way?

Sorry, you're six and nine there. What the hell are you doing?

It's ten and two. You're all right.

Depression runs in our family you see, Paul. Ten and two.

Yep. It's horrible.

Actually, on my mum's side, we've got... My mum walked into the sea.

She woke up on her 65th birthday, walked into the sea,

never saw her again. Do you know what else I never saw again?

The 150 deposit I paid the DJ for her birthday party.

You're all right.

Ten and two. Never get that back.

Sorry, is there...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

..something I-I need to know for the test, or...?

What you might want to know is that three lads died joyriding

on this road a few months ago. All three of them DOA - dead on arrival.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS You're all right. Ten and two.

Right, why did I need to know that?

Well, road awareness, love, you know.

Little tip from me - always drive your own car.

Do you know what I mean? Don't go stealing someone else's

and then wrap it round a bus stop at 50mph with your

mate in the back, and he's about to take his GCSEs. You're all right.

He had a lot of promise in technology, Paul.

You're all right. Right, OK...

SHOUTS: Oh, my God, it's Mickey Mouse!

No, no, sorry. It's just a delivery driver.

Bloody hell.

SHE CHUCKLES

Looked so much like Mickey Mouse.

You know what? I-I'm not really feeling this.

That's OK. That's all right.

You can pull up wherever you want, love. Yeah? There you go.

There she is, smoothly does it.

That's nice.

You know one thing I cannot work out -

should they have split The Deathly Hallows into two?

I think they should have.

Think it was the best decision they ever made.

Yeah, what's that got to do with the driving?

Oh, I don't know, actually.

Good point. What the hell am I talking about?

Yeah, you're gorgeous, you.

Thank you so much.

You're all right. Ten and two.

What the fuck?

Hey! 1 in the swear jar!

You're all right.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

It is an incredible time to be a vaper

and an even better one to be a vape sommelier.

That's us.

And do we have a crazy new range of vapes to show you.

All that and more, coming up.

By God, does that have a scent.

Every hit is telling a different story.

Prawn, egg, table salt and beef.

That is mould in a vape. Yeah.

Rastafarian lion giving the middle finger. Ah!

And that would pair very well with a pollock.

What a fun range. I know - look at this.

Look at this. Look at these. These are all vapes

and we are just having the time of our life with them. I know.

We have a new line of vapes from one of my favourite vape vineyards,

the Wet Pat 2,000 range from Hogtown Vapers.

So I'm going to dive in with this one.

This one is called Tropical Walk. Oh, I love that.

Sounds tasty. That's brilliant. Here we go.

Mmm.

Wow.

OK. That is your classic gaslighting vape.

Telling me pineapple but giving me leather.

Yeah. I'm getting pure leather on that.

Yeah. That is a real education for the mouth, let me tell you.

And I am going to go straight for this one.

Oh, brave!

Oh, wow! That...That has got a weight to it.

Here I go.

Mmm...

Wow, I love how the vape smoke comes out of the holes. Fantastic.

Now, that is a meaningful vape.

Not for the faint hearted.

This guy is heavy with purpose,

and not just because it weighs over a stone.

Going to pop that back. Wahey.

Strike.

THEY BOTH LAUGH

I'm going to pop that up there

and go in for a suck.

LAPTOP HUMS

Mmm.

Mmm. Wow.

Now that is a symphony.

It's mint but it's got an almost electric shock

sort of hitting the back of your throat as you taste it.

Why am I working AT work?

THEY BOTH LAUGH

I've never seen you open a laptop before.

I do all the time. Oh, really?

LAPTOP HUMS

No, that's...that's genius.

Wow. Oh, wow.

There's an almost crunchiness to it.

It's rich, it's nosey.

For a laptop, that is a really full-bodied vape.

There's a whole other range of fun vapes here.

We've got the rubber chicken. Very funny.

I don't know how you'd get vaping this cos you'd be giggling too much.

THEY BOTH LAUGH

After loads of exciting e-cigs,

we have got our pick of the week.

The Big Suck IMAX.

She's an old-school vape but, as we often say in the vape game...

BOTH: If it ain't broke, keep blowin' it.

I love that expression, it's brilliant.

We are just obsessed with their new butter-flavoured vape. Yeah.

You will want to be vaping next to a plug point with this one

because she does need constant recharging.

She's a thirsty girlie. A bit like someone else I know.

Glug, glug!

I like a glass of wine, what can I say?

With a vape.

No. But it's really worth it.

It's, it's precise, it's focused,

it's linear.

It's a butter-flavoured vape.

Join us next week when we'll be looking at a new line of vapes...

Oh! ..for babies. Wow!

I hope there's a breastmilk-flavoured vape

because I've got a three-month-old at home and my nipples need a break.

See you next time. And remember...

BOTH: Keep vaping!

Do you think this show is to your taste?

God, no. No? No way.

I really like, erm, true crime.

Yeah. I like renovation shows.

Me too. Yeah.

Let's go.

What kind of a dad am I? I'm very, very hands on.

One hand on the kids,

one hand on the cocktail shaker.

LAUGH BECOMES "UM"

But no, no. I always make cocktails for my wife and group of mates.

A lot of people don't know how to make a negroni.

There is a real, real art to balancing

the Campari and the Vermouth.

Who would I have at my dream dinner party?

Er, Radcliffe and Maconie.

I actually met those guys a couple of years ago at a supper club

at Wilderness. They were not quite

as friendly as they seem on the radio.

How do I relax?

Yeah, like this.

No, but seriously, at my lottie - my allotment.

Bit of me time.

Reggae and Ibiza chill on the Bluetooth

and just sucking on a big fattie.

Biggest loss.

I do pride myself on my taste in music.

But since the kids, my Spotify Wrapped has all been kind of

sing-along toddler crap so can't really

share it on my Insta any more,

which is... Yeah, it's crushing, actually.

Hardest moment of my life?

INHALES SHARPLY

When my son's birthday clashed with Carl Cox's set at Creamfields.

Argh!

Decisions, decisions, decisions!

Best-ever gig? Erm, Carl Cox at Creamfields.

What doesn't change after having kids?

My sex drive.

What does change? My wife's.

Um, no, I'm joking.

LAUGHS

But probably my dreams, yeah.

I still have a lot of shit I want to achieve.

What is a non-negotiable for me?

Erm, my style.

I do take my look pretty seriously.

Too seriously, according to the missus.

But I don't know, the girls who work in the vintage shops down in Margate

don't seem to care.

My name is Mat-Mat Dippon

and I've applied for every season of The Traitors

but I keep getting turned down

cos I always lose my temper in the auditions.

Very nice.

BOTH WOMEN: Mmm.

You want it?

Yeah, I want it.

I want it too.

I'll get it for you.

Wow.

Very good.

You want it?

Mmm, yeah. I want it.

I want it.

I want it.

Oh.

Very nice.

You want it?

I'll get it if you want it.

I want.

Yeah, I want. I want it. Mmm.

Oh, wow.

Birds.

Very special. Mmm.

Very special.

Do you want it?

Hmm...

Yeah, I want it.

We both want.

She want you.

She want you.

Stop. Stop the car.

You need to stop.

This one?

You want it?

Yeah. I want it.

This?

Yeah.

OK. You want it, I'll get it.

You like it? Mmm...

..no.

What?

I don't want it.

We don't want it at all.

Oh, no.

HE GROANS SOFTLY

FUNKY ROCK MUSIC

Just to let you know. Hmm?

My penis is tiny. Like - micro.

Yeah. And I've got absolutely nothing down there.

I'm completely flat. Oh. Like a piece of paper.

That's...That's perfect.

THEY BOTH LAUGH

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

It's definitely a red. Mmm. Looks it.

So, er, yeah, what was I saying?

Me and 14 clients from the Japanese office. Yeah.

PDR - private dining rooms. Sake, sake, sake.

Bill lands - four zeros.

You're kidding? I say, "That's pretty reasonable."

Old City joke. I've heard that before.

Huge laughs, slapped the Mastercard down,

got the hell out of there!

Yeah! No, that reminds me, last week, I was in Paris,

bit of business. Tasting menu, chateaubriand, jeroboams of Veuve.

S'il vous plait. Bill comes, I don't even look at it.

I just slap the Mastercard down, get the hell out of there.

I just slap it down, I don't even look. Mmm!

Hello, you.

And have the gentlemen decided what they would like to order yet?

Yes, I would like to order you to sit down and have a drink with us,

good woman. Take a load off.

That is a very tempting offer.

Well, the temptation is all ours.

I actually took some of our younger team out the other night -

Heron Tower. You got to hear this. Cocktails, oysters - the works.

You will love this. You'll love it too.

Bill lands and the ladies want to split it. Yeah, right.

Gun fingers to their head, they're screaming, loving it.

Ladies paying a bill? I do not think so.

Slapped the card down, got the hell out of there.

You're not laughing.

Laugh a little bit more.

Amazing.

So what can I interest you in tonight?

We actually have some oysters caught fresh today.

We you had me at "we have some".

BOTH MEN LAUGH

We will take 12 and six more for the table.

And what else doth the lady recommend for two knights

on a quest for indulgence?

Er, well, of course, our speciality is our dry-aged steak...

Mmm, yeah. Sold, to this little hungry boy right here.

Excellent. And which cut would you like?

Oh, all of them.

INCREASES LAUGHTER VOLUME

No, no, surprise me. And sling a couple more in for the table.

Yes, no problem. I can do that.

And the special tonight is

a pan-seared sea bass. It comes with...

Bass? I've never heard of it. Is this a bass?

Uh-oh!

IMITATES A BASS GUITAR

Ignore him. He'll take the bass,

and let's do a couple more for the table.

And let's say, er, three soups for luck, cheese souffle,

all the sides, four wood pigeons

and six table-side Caesars. Good.

No, it is a lot of food,

but all wonderful choices.

Do not worry about that, we have stomachs bigger than our eyes.

We will be fine, m'lady.

Oh, that reminds me, I did a bit of business in Val-d'Isere.

Skiing. Tartiflette by the trough.

Major dump of fresh powder.

Got to get outside and shred that - like, now.

Slapped the Mastercard down, got the hell out of there.

Clooney's place - Ill Gatto Nero. George Clooney?

He's having dinner with Amal. The wife.

Leg's up to her ears. Gorgeous. Amal Clooney.

Three zeros. I was expecting more.

Everyone's laughing - Clooney, even.

He's laughing over there, George Clooney.

You got to hear this! I slapped the card down and I...

Get the hell out of there.

Whoa! That is a slippery fish.

As I was saying, slap the Mastercard down,

get the hell out of there.

Gentlemen. Come on, then, let's see the Damagio Del Toro.

Whoa!

CHUCKLES

I'm going to have to sell my tie to pay for this.

Use this as a tie instead.

Let's have a look, let's have a look.

Christ, I do not remember ordering this much food.

Did a bird come in here and order the rest?

I have heard that. Some places hire birds to come in,

eat the food, get the bill up while the patrons aren't looking.

That reminds me, I was actually at a conference in an aviary once...

Yeah, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone.

There's only one thing for it. Yeah. Yeah.

Slap the damn thing down.

BOTH: Get the hell out of here.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Excuse me.

Thought you might like some home-made limoncello on the house.

UNDER BREATH: Damn it!

I can't believe this has happened again.

Argh! I'm such a fool.

Got taken in by their charm and confidence.

I've got a real thing for older men.

I mean, that's why I got a job here in the first place.

I love the stories, the atmosphere, the old...

..charm and flattery.

I don't know, it feels like

a world that's dying and I wanted to soak up every last bit of it.

Damn it!

Right, I'd better go and help close up.

Let my manager know to dock my pay the price of this meal.

Third time this month.

I've really got to work on my bullshit radar.

Oh, well, it's not the end of the world.

I've got my health and

two parents who love me.

I guess we live and learn.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0