Original subtitles

(reel spinning)

(opossum chattering)

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

- [Al] You rolling?

- [Interrogator] Yeah.

- Yeah?

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

Okay.

These guys

have been,

they've been so cruel.

They,

they've hurt my feelings.

They, they,

they haven't let me have any water.

And they,

they struck my genitalia

with a phone book.

- [Interrogator] Nobody's even got phone books anymore.

Do they even make 'em?

- Maybe it was a bible then.

Yeah, they,

they, they, they hit me.

They hit me with a Bible.

They said they were gonna pray the gay out of me.

They said they were gonna

beat my meat till it will not cheat.

- [Interrogator] All right, quit screwing

- You quit screwing around.

(no audio)

- Look, I don't know what you're talking about, all right.

I'm a victim here.

- [Interrogator] You're a victim?

- You know what I mean.

- [Interrogator] I don't, I really don't.

I need you to tell me.

- I don't have to tell you shit.

- [Interrogator] You don't, that's true.

Does that mean what, you want a lawyer?

- I got a lawyer.

- [Interrogator] You want me to call him?

- No.

What do I need her for?

Only a guilty man needs a lawyer.

And I'm not.

Look boss, I'm famous.

You have any idea

what that live stream's gonna do to your career?

- [Interrogator] Tell me.

- Hope you like getting stuck with needles.

- [Interrogator] What's that mean?

- Yeah, you'd like to know.

(no audio)

- I just want this thing to be over.

- [Interrogator] It can be, soon as you start talking.

So

Talk.

- I'm, I'm talking.

- [Interrogator] You're not saying anything.

- There's nothing to say.

- [Interrogator] Tell us the truth.

(no audio)

(Jason chuckles)

- [Interrogator] Feel better?

- I feel fine.

- [Interrogator] Good 'cause you're about to feel things.

Fine ain't one of 'em.

- Are you threatening me?

- Where'd you get these? - Where do you think?

- No. - Sit down.

- [Al] Where the fuck did you get these?

You're not supposed to have this.

Look at this. - Sit down.

You gonna tell me about that?

- I don't know, you tell me.

- I don't know what you want from me.

- [Interrogator] All you want is the truth. Danny.

- I can't tell you the truth.

- [Interrogator] Yes you can.

- No.

- [Interrogator] Yes you can.

- What's the truth?

- [Interrogator] I'm asking.

- Forget it, I,

I don't like this.

- [Interrogator] You won't get in trouble.

- Yeah.

- [Interrogator] Danny,

you can walk.

All you gotta do is be honest.

- I am being honest.

There's nothing to tell.

- [Interrogator] They tell you to say that?

- Who, my friends?

- [Interrogator] That what they are?

- They told me you'd manipulated me.

- [Interrogator] Did they say I'd have pictures?

- Where'd you get it, huh?

Tell me where the fuck it came from.

- Sit down. - Fuck you.

- [Interrogator] I said sit down, Alan.

- Don't you fucking call me that.

Where did you get it?

- [Interrogator] Are you gonna cooperate?

- Get that shit outta my face.

What the.

- [Interrogator] You gonna talk

or you gonna throw a temper tantrum?

- Oh, I can call you one.

I'm not squealing.

Got that?

- What can I say?

Respectfully,

I plead the fifth.

- [Interviewer] It's okay.

Unburden yourself.

- I'll tell you what you need to know.

Where do I start?

(no audio)

- [Preacher] Grand Lord,

my friend,

that took the wheel,

baptize.

- Pathetic.

- [Preacher] Baptize.

Excuse me, put to death,

therefore... - Big Jesus sends a drunk

to slur his way through last rites.

(Jason mumbles)

(Al laughing)

- [Dan] Or Ireland,

might be weird if the priest isn't drunk, you know?

(Lisa mumbles)

- Bro, what are you kidding with that shit?

Show some respect.

- [Dan] What, it's a record of his death.

- Come on, I got something to show you.

- How's working for my dad?

- I work for myself.

Independent contractor.

- Yeah, you doing masonry or something?

- Don't worry about what I'm doing.

Let's worry about what you're doing.

What's this?

What's going on here?

Drug dealer or something?

- It's a $200 Mulberry, okay.

It's, it's silk.

It's silk.

- Yeah?

Did an old lady buy for with her penny stocks.

- Motherfucker.

I'm an empowerment facilitator, okay?

- You're a life a coach.

What the fuck does that even mean?

- [Al] It means he's full of shit.

- My shine, bro.

Okay.

I enhance people's lives.

I show 'em how... - Oh my God.

Did you park in the next county over?

- Look, it's me right up here.

Show 'em how to live.

Show 'em how to live. - Yeah.

You got a degree in life.

- Laugh all you want.

You laughed when I said I was gonna be an investment banker,

and we all know how that turned out.

- Are you calling us strippers?

- Bro, what are you kidding with that shit?

I thought I told you to turn that off.

- [Dan] All right, all right.

It's good, it's off.

Don't have a fucking coronary.

- [Jason] Watch that shit too.

(wind blowing)

- [Lisa] What's the deal with this?

You trying to tell people you got a big dick

or global warming not your problem?

- Both.

And you know I got a big dick.

Dan, I can still see the red fucking light.

- [Dan] It's off.

- No, it's not.

Do I gotta spank your ass like I did in middle school?

- [Dan] Chill, chill, chill, chill.

I'll turn it off.

Jesus.

- Don't blaspheme.

We're right next to a goddamn cemetery.

- [Al] Crikey.

(birds chirping)

(door closes)

(birds chirping)

- What's going on, you got a fucking podcast?

Everyone's got a podcast these days.

- Shut up, Alan.

- Al.

- Read this.

- What am I looking at?

- You all remember the Decker house?

- Wylie Decker?

I haven't thought of that name in years.

- Why don't I remember this?

- Robo tripping?

- Fair.

- [True Crime Show Host] The handyman took his trophies

one by one,

giving Willie Decker

the lever he needed to escape.

As his elderly wife laid dismembered in the next room,

the gravely injured suburbanite

made his way to the first floor vestibule.

But with his lower intestines bursting out of his abdomen,

Willie Decker was slower than a gin fizz in January.

A few more feet, and who knows.

It was morning and people were leaving for work.

But the handyman had other plans

for the manure magnet of Eastern Long Island.

(tense music)

- Man, he didn't eat their fingers.

- Oh, that's pretty gnarly. - Yeah.

I guess they had to zhuzh it up for streaming platforms.

- The sucky bitch has been awfully quiet.

Nothing to say about this, dear?

- You do enough talking for all of us.

- All right.

All right, you mopey fucks.

What are we doing?

- We're coastal whites, what do you think?

- [Dan] How do you fuck up a pumpkin spice latte?

- [Jason] You enjoying that hunk of lead?

- This chorizo,

bussin' for no reason.

- Chorizo.

It's chisgusting.

- I miss friends.

- I miss big coffee.

All these hipster places taste like ass.

And they charge more than a Dunkin'.

- Mm, I can't believe they didn't have oat milk.

- I can't believe that they're so rude to you

for no reason.

No wonder why they don't get tips.

- [Jason] Should have gone to Starbies.

- I'm sorry.

Star what?

- [Jason] Starbies.

Starbucks.

- Okay.

Can I ask you a serious question?

Do you have a vagina?

- [Jason] Fuck you.

- No.

Not with that mangina, you won't.

That's what I do now.

I help people.

I change lives. (all laughing)

- Oh, Lisa Two Fists got jokes, huh?

(all laughing)

- I wonder what happened to the son.

- [Dan] Didn't he find them

in pieces around the house?

- [Jason] 14 years old killed himself.

- Jesus.

- And the handyman gets three hots and a cot.

- [Jason] On our dime.

We're paying for that asshole

to breathe the same air as the rest of us.

- [Dan] Well, what's the alternative, an eye for an eye?

- Fucking A, you snuff out human life.

We get to take yours, point blank.

- What, what happened to you, Al?

Wasn't your thesis on radical kindness?

- My man had a poster of Bernie Sanders on his dorm wall.

Jerked off to it religiously.

- Reality happened.

You know, cruelties everywhere.

You can't conquer chaos with strongly worded arguments

and positive affirmations.

- [Dan] He's right.

I see it among my colleagues.

Faculty singles you out.

Bad mouth you to the dean.

Disrupt your lectures.

It's only when you fire back that it stops.

- [Jason] Jesus Dan, you sound like a school shooter.

- [Dan] Don't think I haven't thought about it.

Academia is like a meat grinder.

The only thing worse than the,

you know, fucks to give student body is the faculty

and their cannibalism of research.

- Okay, let's change the subject.

What have you heard about the Decker house?

- It's abandoned.

No?

- No, the niece got it.

She locked it up and it was like,

you know, too painful for her to live in or anything.

Could you imagine though,

sleeping in the same bed where your relatives bit it?

- That's it?

You haven't heard anything else?

Nothing about like trauma tourism.

- What, like the Amityville house?

People doing drivebys and shit?

- Could you imagine,

a haunted house attraction

in a house that people actually got,

you know, gin sued,

like a, like an Airbnb for amoral perverts.

- That's disgusting. - Jesus.

- Tell that to the Cummings, Bryson and Rainey,

two true crime buffs.

Yeah.

Bought the house at auction.

Mary Ellen defaulted on the property taxes.

- Rainy Cummings? - Focus, Alan.

- That's, that's... - Yeah, what do we call that?

- You're the ethics professor, Dano,

what do you, you got a name for that?

- [Dan] It's moral turpitude.

- Bingo.

Ain't that some shit?

- So what, this is just open to the public?

- [Jason] It's open to the public.

- For them to do what?

- Treat a tragedy like it's Universal fucking Orlando.

- [Dan] They have a website

with widgets of the Decker's heads.

- No fucking way. - Yeah.

- Wow. - All age is welcome.

- Cheese sauce.

- It's open?

- [Jason] Open this next month.

- Someone should say something.

- [Dan] We, we should start a petition.

Boycott.

- The fuck's that gonna do, professor?

- No, no, we gotta stop this before it gains traction.

- [Jason] hat do you say, Dan?

- [Dan] I mean,

I agree in principle.

- You know, I'm ride to die, brother.

- [Jason] That's what I was hoping you'd say.

- So what?

- Dan, shut it off!

(static crackling)

(no audio)

(wind blowing)

- [Dan] My arm hurts.

Should really get it looked at.

- Don't be a puss.

Take another shot.

- Are you guys watching?

Watch.

- We probably shouldn't be here at all.

They're all watching.

- [Jason] The fuck is he talking about?

- 14 eyes, man, fucking stone ghost.

- [Jason] What the fuck is he talking about?

(wind blowing)

- It's a charade, man.

- That's what I'm trying to say.

Are we playing or what?

- Oh, for real, man.

They can see you.

They, they, they can see this.

- [Jason] Who?

- The surveillance state, man.

The, they, they started this shit way back in the 50s.

But before we even knew how to care about this shit, man.

Total conspiracy.

- [Dan] Paul from "The Wonder Years"

is really Marilyn Manson.

He removed his ribs so he could blow himself.

- [Al] For real, man.

- [Dan] Blow.

- [Jason] Blow this.

- I'm just saying the, the, the, the Cold War.

The Murphy raids.

The fucking Patriot Act, man.

They don't even need an excuse.

Just eyeballs all, all everywhere on us.

- [Dan] I heard W Reeds upside down because he is a lizard.

- Lizards can't read.

Lemme see that.

(horn honking)

- No, I don't like being on camera.

- [Al] Well, they're watching us anyway,

so, you know, live with it.

- All right, all right, enough with the charades.

Okay, we give up.

What is it?

- Really?

- Uhuh.

- Still beams don't melt.

- Oh, you're a tuna melt.

(all laughing)

- You're an asshole, Alan.

- [Al] I didn't even say it.

So what if we get caught?

- [Dan] Yeah, we're not kids.

- [Jason] What if we get caught?

We're a group of privileged middle class Americans.

If we get caught, we complain, they let us go.

- [Lisa] Hey, I'm not middle class.

- [Al] Yeah, me neither.

I just fucked your bitch in some Gucci flip flops.

- [Jason] I'm sorry, nouveau riche.

- [Lisa] So what's our play?

(cheerful music) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

- Why are we back here?

Was I caught being too inclusive in public or something?

Hail officer.

I know we're under a microscope these days,

but pro tip,

if you plan on handing me off to El Salvador,

I haven't had my rubella injection.

And I spray when cornered.

- Did, did something happen to someone we know?

Are you, are you holding Jared?

- [Interrogator] Who's Jared?

- My dumbass brother-in-law.

- [Interrogator] Is it not clear?

You're here because we're holding you.

- Is this about the olives at the salad bar?

I just wanted to make sure they were fresh

before I would buy them.

- [Interrogator] No, this isn't about fucking olives.

- Are you videoing me?

- [Interrogator] Yes.

- Don't you need my consent to photograph me?

- [Interrogator] Mm,

no.

- What?

Is being privileged a crime?

- [Interrogator] You understand the meaning

of being privileged?

Of privileges?

They're different than rights, they're conditional.

Sure, you got whatever,

three, four things right now I could deprive you of

say without violating your rights in any major way.

Those things are privileges.

What were you doing up there?

- Camping.

- [Interrogator] You were camping?

- Yeah, we were camping.

- [Interrogator] Just camping?

- Just camping.

- [Interrogator] In those woods?

- In those woods.

Yeah.

- [Interrogator] Camping in those woods

with everything you knew about that house,

the property,

everything you knew about its past?

- That story is for old people, okay.

We were celebrating the now.

- [Interrogator] Uh huh.

What did that look like?

- We went bird watching.

♪ Got you swinging from my testicles ♪

♪ Incredible ♪

♪ Flow so sick ♪

♪ That it's terrible ♪

♪ A spectacle ♪

- And then I wanna like have one of those like,

like one of those,

like sound clips from one of those old Tarzan movies

all like compressed.

And he's like.

(Al Tarzan yells)

- Yeah, okay.

Is that all women are to you, bitches?

- Just ones like you, Lisa.

The skanky ones, you know.

- It's charming.

And what is that supposed to tell people about you?

You have abnormally long testicles?

- You're just trifling 'cause I wanna wear

your cheep ass jewelry.

- All right, can you put that out, 'kay?

They're dive bombing me.

- Smoke is a natural repellent.

- Not weed smoke.

It's too sweet.

- Like citronella.

- Come on, I'm getting fucking devoured over here.

Please.

- [Dan] Because you're sweet.

- Stop being weird, Dan.

- [Dan] What, I'm not.

You're blood, I mean.

- Okay, whatever.

Where is the hooch?

I'm gonna douse myself.

- We went mountain bike riding.

I, I mean, we wanted to,

we were there to do some riding,

some, some bird watching, some bike riding.

But we couldn't find a place that ran spikes.

So we just played Frisbee until the sun went down.

And then

we played flashlight tag.

- It was Easter weekend.

We went on a scavenger hunt.

- I really, I don't remember what we did.

We were bored.

That's for sure.

It always seemed so much more

exciting than it actually is.

- [Interrogator] Going to a murder house?

- Camping,

hiking.

- [Interrogator] You took a hike?

- No, we went on a hike.

- [Interrogator] Any other activities you can recall?

- Nothing noteworthy.

I guess you could say we were trying to recapture our youth.

We played flashlight tag.

- [Jason] That's not it.

- [Al] You couldn't have said that like 10 minutes ago?

- Shut up, bro.

I think it's this tree over here.

- I thought you marked it.

- I did.

- I don't see no spray paint over there.

- Hunters must have put their

signs over it or something, I don't know.

- [Al] What about flags?

Were their flags?

- I don't remember.

Yeah, maybe, I don't know.

- [Al] What are we supposed to do now?

- I'm hungry.

- You were supposed to eat when we were in town.

- I wasn't hungry then.

- We agreed.

Empty stomachs.

- I'm freezing my ass off.

- [Interrogator] So it was a good day?

- My guy, every day is a good day

when you step outside of your comfort zone

and dance in the rain.

- [Interrogator] It was a good day though?

- I don't know.

Yeah, it got me out of demoing a shithole in Brentwood.

- [Interrogator] Hmm.

Did it rain at all?

- No.

(rain falling)

- [Interrogator] Tell me, Danny.

Was it a good day you had out there in those woods?

- You're making me uncomfortable.

I, I feel like you're trying to frame us for something.

- [Interrogator] Frame you?

We don't do that.

- Respectfully, sir.

Officer, you do.

And not, not you.

I mean, law enforcement.

I've seen it.

- [Interrogator] So it wasn't a good day?

- No.

It,

it was.

- [Interrogator] You had a good time?

- I really wanted to get out of there.

But you know the Pootie Tang clan,

we all hadn't been together.

- [Interrogator] The Pootie Tang Clan?

What's that?

- Us.

- [Interrogator] Is that a gang or what?

- No, it's,

it's like a joke.

It's like an inside joke.

This movie came out when we were kids.

It was biggest bomb of the year, Pootie Tang.

Nobody saw it.

Nobody liked it, but

we all bonded over how much we loved it.

And so we started calling ourselves the Pootie Tang Clan.

You know, like Wu Tang Clan?

- [Interrogator] Hmm.

Kind of racist, no?

- What is, like the movie, or us using the play on words?

- [Interrogator] Yes.

- I don't, I don't think so.

Al donates to UNICEF

and Jason fucked a bunch of black girls in college.

I braid my niece's hair.

- [Interrogator] I think the word

we're looking for here is appropriation.

You know, you guys parroting a famous black group.

A famous black movie.

- It was hardly famous.

It was a train wreck.

I mean, that's what the critics said.

- [Interrogator] Do you think it's?

- Hilarious.

- [Interrogator] Right?

- A white guy wrote it.

- [Interrogator] So if you didn't like it, the trip,

why did you stay?

- A fellowship retreat.

- [Interrogator] Are you in recovery?

- No.

A cohesion retreat.

It was definitely a cohesion retreat.

- [Interrogator] A cohesion retreat?

What does that look like?

- Well, we'd love to have you next time.

- [Interrogator] We're having a real hard time with this.

- I can imagine.

- [Interrogator] You can?

- Yeah, of course.

I back the blue.

I mean, you are overworked, understaffed,

sleep deprived, under budget.

Come on, there's no,

there's no wonder you can't find a killer

when they're standing in front of you with a knife.

You know, your guys are exhausted

and sleeplessness, it stews the brain.

- [Interrogator] Well, you can help us

see what we need to see then.

- Me?

- [Interrogator] Yeah, you.

You seem like a bright girl.

- I try.

- [Interrogator] Nah, girls like you don't have to try.

You're bred that way.

Parents sent you to the right schools.

You're smart to spite yourself.

Probably cut class all through high school.

Snorted illegal drugs.

You still made valedictorian.

Am I right?

- Close.

I didn't touch a drug until college,

which I paid for myself.

- [Interrogator] Doing what?

- Does it matter?

- [Interrogator] I guess not,

but you could still help me.

- Happy to.

- [Interrogator] Can you tell me

where you were Easter weekend of last year?

- I'm Jewish.

I celebrate Passover.

- [Interrogator] Passover then.

- I probably went to my stepmother's for lamb.

And then I think I hung out with the boys that weekend.

- [Interrogator] The boys?

- Yeah, you know the clan.

- [Interrogator] The Klan?

- No, oh my God, not the Klan

Like by wolf pack, boys being boys.

- [Interrogator] Boys being boys, huh?

What's that look like?

(birds chirping)

- Hey guys, we're coming at you from the Decker house.

And let me tell you, this place is freaky.

It's giving real Texas chainsaw vibes.

- [Ezra] Ken?

What the fuck are you doing?

- What I'm, I'm recording our intro

and why are you using my real name?

- Yeah, no, that's not how we're recording.

Our biggest intro to date.

This is the fucking Decker house.

Shit's major.

We need to strike the right chord with people, you know?

- [Ken] You don't have to tell me that.

I'm the reason we're here.

- Okay, don't fucking hype yourself.

You got lucky.

(car door closes)

- Oh.

- Both you two chumps got lucky.

I told you.

This is my destiny.

Decker.

(Charlotte yelps)

Drain the color

from my flesh and turn my silk soul into mesh.

We have arrived at the place of no return.

An edifice of aberration so arcane and so macabre

as to scramble the minds of all mortal men.

Will we cross this threshold of this fearsome facade

and risk our necks

to see what's inside?

The question should be clear, my darlings.

It is not we will enter.

It is where we emerge,

and how much of us remains?

Join us,

on our spectral quest

inside the Wiley Decker estate

as we marvel

and undress the ghosts

bury in its bowels.

What you will see

will take your breath away.

- Peep your girl.

That's how you record an intro, Ken.

- [Ken] Fucking AV club.

- Did you guys hear something?

- Cancel that.

We know you're a theater major, Charlotte.

It doesn't have to be your entire personality.

I really thought this place was gonna be,

I don't know, terrifying,

but it's kind of really cringe.

I mean, they have these little bloodhound figurines around

and I saw an album by Al Jolson in one of the bedrooms.

But besides that, the house itself is just really dusty.

- [Ezra] Can you please stop wasting the battery?

We need to get this shit down.

- What?

- [Ezra] The vibes.

Can you toss me your phone real quick?

- I'm not tossing you my phone.

It's brand new.

- [Ezra] That's what the otter box would be for.

Can you just toss it to me?

- Fine.

If you break my phone, I'm gonna break your face.

It's really nice of them to stock the fridge for us.

- We're paying 1850 a fucking night,

they better have food.

- I'm really sorry about your face, Ezra.

I really wasn't at it.

- No, no, you're fine.

This is actually perfect.

And say that I drew blood in the Decker house,

but I, I'm not gonna say it.

I sound like a zany 80s TV sitcom character.

Charlotte can say it.

- But wait, I'm the one who threw the phone at your face.

I'm the one who bloodied your nose.

- Okay, yeah,

and she'll jazz it up a little bit.

Won't you, doll?

- I'll set off the smoke alarms in this creaky old bitch.

(rock music)

- I don't know.

Maybe we're part of the problem.

(rock music continues)

- You're in my light. - What?

- Light.

(rock music continues)

Not any worse than anybody else, right?

They want to play the victims, let them be the victims.

- [Dan] But doesn't it go both ways?

Like if you're not helping, then you're part of the problem.

- We are helping.

We're helping ourselves,

we're helping society.

(rock music continues)

We don't owe anybody anything.

- Benefit of the doubt. - Why?

- [Dan] I don't know what,

isn't that what any of us would expect?

- Yeah, we're expected to do the right thing.

We're expected to be good people.

You know, sometimes you got to,

why don't you tell him?

- What?

- Tell us how you feel.

- I'm tired.

Let's just do something and stop talking about it.

(rock music continues)

- Me out.

(rock music continues)

- [Interrogator] Recognize these?

- Is that?

No.

- [Interrogator] They were taken at the Decker house.

- How can you tell?

- [Interrogator] My people took them.

- Your people?

- [Interrogator] That's right.

- Well, they're sort of out of focus.

And this one is overdeveloped.

- [Interrogator] You know, it ain't easy

taking a good photograph when your subject

is all hacked apart and mutilated.

- These are people?

I'm, I'm looking at people?

- [Interrogator] They were conveniently dismembered

beyond all recognition by the people who did this.

- Conveniently?

- [Interrogator] So you could imagine

you've been going through hell

trying to identify the decedents.

- Decedents?

What a weird word.

It sounds like someone who removes seeds from something.

- It kind of sounds like dissident, doesn't it?

I'll tell you something as a dissident myself,

as one thing I can't stand is lying fucking cops.

Got no problem with the cops.

Like in, in theory, you know, or whatever.

As you know, deception should be illegal.

Straight up.

You know?

The shit that you guys are allowed to get away with

during interrogation.

Who's the real criminal?

Lying's a sin, hombre.

- Listen, I know I've been tense and I'm sorry.

This bitch is seriously getting on my last fucking nerve.

- Charlotte?

- Yeah.

- I thought you worshiped her.

- Ew.

God no.

And we invited her to fucking come.

So in case like a crazy person in a welder's mask

threw us in his basement inside of a hole or something

and was like, "put the lesson in the basket", you know?

- But you wanted her to glam up our intro.

- Yeah, so she shut the fuck up about her fascinators.

That bitch wasn't meant for this time period.

She did help me put a mortgage on my dad's house though.

- Wait, you took out a mortgage on your dad's place?

- Yeah, how the fuck

did you think we were doing all of this?

That's a stupid fucking question.

Studio equipment,

this entire trip.

Where do you think the money came from?

- This is reckless, Ezra.

- What do you know?

You think Jesus is spelled with three E's and a Z?

- Hey, don't insult me for caring.

Why is this so important to you?

- Because ever since my dad died,

I just feel like it's the only thing

that me and him have in common now.

- Like debt, reckless spending.

- Okay, yeah, no,

don't talk about shit you don't know about.

They said that he committed suicide, but that just,

it doesn't sit right with me, you know?

I mean, he was a horrible fucking person.

He owed everyone fucking money

and he was abusive as hell.

No one questions those things

as if they aren't motives to a murder.

The thing that I question the most

is the fact that his autopsy report stated

that there was two bullets found in his head.

Last time I checked,

you can't shoot yourself in the head twice.

- Well, depending on the angle of the shot and the re...

- Ken.

I'm doing a monologue.

Backstory for our viewers.

It's fine, I'll edit it out.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

So yeah, I guess just shooting these true crime videos

with you guys about other people's death

kind of compensates for me

not having any answers about my dad's.

How was that, was that good?

- I feel the blood coursing through my veins.

I cannot resist the call.

The night is mine

and I'm its mistress.

That's from "Nosferatu" I think.

Not the A24 one.

Like the OG one.

Not like an Ari Aster film, but vintage.

Vintage, like yours truly.

Vintage like this house.

Like this dress.

There's just something electric about vintage things.

You know, it's,

they hold so much

life,

death,

memories,

you know,

of,

of, well, you know,

like the Decker's should have had some respect

about the house's original decor.

I mean, there are popcorn ceilings

and there's a painting of dogs playing poker

in the bathroom, y'all.

- The Peppermint Lounge.

You ever heard of it?

Debauchery,

you know, looking like some Caligula type shit.

The photos my dad used to show me,

now that's what's up.

- [Interrogator] How does that help us?

- Spaghetti a Mezzanotte.

That's all I wanted.

Whole reason I went to the Decker house if I'm being honest.

- [Interrogator] The others know that?

- What do they know?

Spaghetti a Mezzanotte.

You speak Italian?

- [Interrogator] No.

- Yeah, me neither.

I'm eating spaghetti at midnight.

That's what I was thinking.

- [Interrogator] Went to the site

of a double murder for food?

- Nah, space.

I got this friend.

We ride down like (mumbles) together some days.

My man's in realty.

He said he could hook me up.

I'm interested in the property, you know, land development.

- [Interrogator] You wanna open a restaurant?

- Hell to the no.

I'm gonna open a memory.

And check it,

what is Long Island missing besides the drag strip?

- [Interrogator] You got me?

- I'll give you a hint, all right.

The Palm, Club 54,

the fucking Peppermint.

- [Interrogator] A nightclub?

With spaghetti in the name?

- Yeah.

Could do a lot of good for the neighborhood.

You know, community wouldn't be known for a murder.

A lot of good could be done.

- [Interrogator] With what money?

Dirty money.

- What's dirty?

You know, liquor license,

crowd control,

security,

you know, build an economy.

Stimulus.

Change the cultural landscape.

You know, job creation,

social gathering, tourism.

Job creation.

- [Interrogator] Where does that leave the victims?

- Who?

Everybody wins.

- 13,029 burglaries.

That's just in New York. - Just this year?

- Almost a million in the country the year before.

I saw it on the local news, YouTube.

- [Interrogator] So what?

- I'm trying to tell you,

it could have been anyone.

- [Interrogator] Anyone?

- Yeah.

You say these kids went missing.

Better question.

Why didn't anyone see them?

Why didn't anyone call the cops?

- [Interrogator] Oh, you know why?

- The problem isn't burglars, murderers.

The problem is neighbors.

People turn a blind eye, deaf ear.

Kitty Genovese, you heard of her?

- [Interrogator] Yeah, a lady was killed in Manhattan.

- I think it was Queens.

Q Gardens.

20 something.

Raped and stabbed so many times it collapsed a lung.

But not before she screamed and screamed.

And what, no one was home?

Well, everyone's home.

Brutalized in the courtyard of her apartment building.

All the lights are on.

If they're not on, they turn on.

Everyone's looking out.

Kitty Genovese,

if they hadn't given her rapist 10 minutes

in between attacks,

she could still be collecting her benefits.

- Look, I gotta be here much longer?

My balls were made for better things than this chair.

- [Interrogator] Let's talk about true crime.

- What about it?

- [Interrogator] Are you a fan?

- No.

- [Interrogator] Why not?

- Shit's for weirdos.

All that horror shit is like a

porn for sociopaths.

- [Interrogator] Sociopaths?

- Psychopaths, whatever.

I don't know.

It's always bad acting anyway.

- [Interrogator] So you've watched it?

- Everybody's watched it.

It's, it's unavoidable.

And every streaming service

has hundreds of killer neighbors,

maniac lovers,

psycho stepdads.

- [Interrogator] Does that bother you?

- What do I care?

- [Interrogator] No, you wouldn't, why would you?

But you know,

I would've thought you felt more strongly about it.

- Why?

- [Interrogator] Didn't you comment on a sponsored ad

for "The Gilgo Beach Murders, Uncut and Unbound".

- I don't know, did I?

- [Interrogator] "There should be a law"

that allows family members of victims

to stuff true crime producers in burlap sacks

and execute them with their weapon of choice.

Let the grieving ones videotape the whole thing

and put that, all caps, on TV.

I'd watch that.

"You can even put it behind a paywall and I'm there."

- Horror, it's all right.

I don't fuck with true crime though.

- [Interrogator] Why not?

- It bothers me.

- [Interrogator] So you like the, the fantasy of horror?

Monsters and supernatural slashers,

but true crime doesn't appeal?

Why?

Because it's real?

- Because it's not real.

It, it's Fugazi.

You get the heart wrenching music

and the staged interviews with survivors.

They bring in all these experts.

They don't give a shit.

And then there's some, some grinning detective

that's all too happy to talk about somebody else's tragedy

'cause it makes them feel important, you know?

And then there's, there's some, you know,

the victim's half sister or college roommate,

she lives in a mud puddle.

But, you know, she knows

that her acting debut's going nationwide.

So she's dressed up like the prom queen.

- I don't like it because I,

it feels exploitative.

- [Interrogator] Like it's exploiting who?

- The victims.

Families.

The friends.

- [Interrogator] But you like porn?

Amateur porn specifically.

Your internet activity suggest you have an affinity

for overweight girls.

- Big beautiful.

How do you know that?

- [Interrogator] What is that not exploitative?

- What? - Fat people porn.

- BBW.

- [Interrogator] Does that not exploit people?

- I,

I don't, I what?

I don't know what that has to do with anything.

- [Interrogator] Well, it speaks to your moral character.

- I don't find it appealing.

- [Interrogator] Appealing?

What about it do you find,

I don't know,

unappealing?

- It's gross.

It's just, it's not my thing.

- [Interrogator] So you've never liked true crime?

Our tastes change.

You know, that's, that's what they say.

But your taste must have really,

I don't know, morphed.

- How do you mean?

- I'm saying, didn't you, when your friends take a class

in college, professor Hudlin's sociology of crime.

- Yeah, so?

- [Interrogator] So Mr. Hudlin

had some fairly radical beliefs, didn't he?

Didn't some of those beliefs

lead to him being excused from the university?

- What does that gotta do with me?

- [Interrogator] He taught you.

- It was a class, a sociology, liberal arts class.

Hudlin's, it was

underwater basket weaving, you know what I'm saying?

- [Interrogator] I understand it was an easy class to ace.

- I don't remember.

It was college.

- [Interrogator] Right?

Well, not all of us went to college, so.

- Is that why we're being held here without phone calls?

Because you harbor some sort of resentment

towards those of us with a higher education?

- [Interrogator] No.

We only wanna ask you a few questions.

- A few? - Yes, a few.

- Okay, which is more than a couple, but less than?

- [Interrogator] Well, I guess you got me there.

- Okay well,

we are well past several.

We are multitudinous.

- [Interrogator] Ooh, big word.

- Thanks for noticing.

- [Interrogator] So it's your contention,

your contention that the providence

of your interest in true crime

had nothing to do with Professor Hudlin

or his seditious corpse concerning serial murder.

I mean the, the erasure of the victim,

the killer as the embodiment of cultural decline.

This all sounds like pretty heavy stuff

to be laying on college kids.

- That's perhaps that's because

you've never associated yourself

with college kids, you know, young adults.

What we were.

And if you knew Hudlin,

you'd know that he was less concerned

with seditious preoccupations

than he was with making us smarter.

If he were here right now,

he would tell you

that you are confusing providence with provenance.

And he would teach you how to differentiate between the two.

- [Interrogator] That's what I said, provenance.

- Right?

A corpus like his would've taught you a lot.

- [Interrogator] How is old Reggie?

The faculty tells us he's one of those teachers that

stays in touch with his students.

You know, reunions.

(light music)

- Thank you.

- Oh, thanks.

- So cheers then.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

(glasses clinking)

(light music)

- Okay.

One man's truth

is another mans' lie.

Who said that?

- I know this.

It's, um.

- Come on, this is first semester shit.

- I know, I know, it's, uh.

♪ In the rear view ♪

- I'm disappointed in you, Bertino.

Maybe if I brain you with a copy

of "Crime and Punishment",

it will rattle something loose in there.

- [Jason] Yeah.

- Okay.

One last chance, or

you're buying the next two rounds.

(light music continues)

One man's truth is another man's lie.

♪ Rear view ♪

- It's Louise Phillips.

- Dirt.

(light music)

- Very good.

Louise Phillips.

And why don't we like Louise Phillips?

- [Jason] Because she's a woman.

- Fuck off.

Because crime fiction luxuriates

an unprincipled lawlessness.

- So when does the crime justify?

- Oh, I remember this one.

Hold back.

It's... ♪ In the rear view ♪

- It's when the, the offense is a,

a natural response to,

to the enemy threatening society's structure.

Boom.

- And this is why I call you two my children.

- Oh, yes sir.

- It was three years ago.

Must have been.

I remember because

he was wearing this orange blazer.

We all made fun of him about it.

We told him he looked like a parking cone.

- [Interrogator] So you socialized?

- I wouldn't say that.

I mean, we ran into him here and there.

Flanagan's on New Year's, that kind of thing.

He was such a yenta.

- [Interrogator] And being around this effervescent man,

that didn't nurture an interest in true crime?

- Look man, I am not into it.

But whatever you are into that is fine.

You know, to each his own.

- [Interrogator] You and your friends aren't

true crime obsessives in your own right?

And before you answer, think for me, all right?

An educated woman like you,

you know where this is going.

- It's different, okay.

We hate watch so-called true crime.

Hate watching doesn't count.

- [Interrogator] I think the people

at audience measurement companies would disagree with you.

- Okay, I am all for interrogation.

I really am.

Nothing matters more to me, actually.

- [Interrogator] Social justice.

- Yeah.

- [Interrogator] Are you a warrior?

- Like online?

- [Interrogator] No.

In real life, Ms. Ehrlich, in reality.

- No.

I'm kind of a pussy.

Actually I am the kind of person

who thinks about what they're going to say

to the mean person like 10 minutes

after they've already left.

- [Interrogator] Okay.

Tell me about the Decker house.

- The what?

- [Interrogator] Decker house.

I'm sorry, maybe you know it is Decker's House of Death.

That's how they're billing it on the website.

- Is that like some kind of haunted house?

- [Interrogator] Really?

I know you know the Decker house.

- I do now.

- [Interrogator] Okay.

- Why, because you say I know it?

- [Interrogator] Humor me.

- Refresh my memory.

- [Interrogator] Okay, Wiley Decker and his wife,

they were murdered.

You grew up two miles away.

- Okay, two miles is a distance.

I wasn't a social butterfly.

I mean, my parents worked a lot.

- [Interrogator] You signed the registry at the funeral.

You and your mom.

- Okay.

All right, I guess I remember.

Okay but murder is a perpetual problem here on Long Island.

You know, Gogo Beach, Joel Rifkin,

sex trafficking, hit and runs.

I mean, come on.

That Laura Parker girl from Lynden Hirst

that nobody will talk about.

- [Interrogator] Seem to know a lot.

Want to take another crack at this?

- [Lisa] It looks different than I remember.

- [Jason] It's the same house.

- [Lisa] I wonder if the carpet is still stained.

- [Al] Blood doesn't really come out like that.

- It's probably the first thing to go,

rip up the subflooring and start fresh.

It's probably hardwood floors in there now.

- [Al] Maybe they power washed it.

- Can't power wash a rug idiot.

- [Lisa] No, they have carpet cleaner for that.

- The blood is there whether you can see it or not.

- [Lisa] Stain lifter.

- A shop vac maybe.

Take up what they can and shampoo the rest.

- Right, who the fuck cares?

Are we doing this or what?

- [Lisa] The bird feeder's destroyed.

- [Dan] Neglect.

Not like anyone's been here to take care of it.

- You clowns bring everything?

Hey, did we bring everything or not?

Good.

What the fuck is this?

I thought we said demons.

- Couldn't find demons.

It's not Halloween.

- [Jason] Fucking terrible.

- Whatever, this is all I could get.

What do you want from me?

- [Jason] I don't wanna look at 'em.

- You don't have to look at them, just put it on.

- [Interrogator] Nothing to say?

- I wasn't there.

- [Interrogator] You were.

There's video,

dash cam footage, doorbell cameras.

People saw you.

- That's impossible, I wasn't there.

- [Interrogator] Surveillance is God to a jury.

The most damning evidence there is.

- You don't get it, do you?

It's not what you see.

It's what I tell you you see.

I control the narrative

and I'm telling you, I was never there.

(soft music)

- Yeah, of course she'd say that.

She's a flake.

- [Interrogator] So you're saying she wasn't there?

- No, I'm saying she'd sell you out for a Lucy, bro.

Doesn't surprise me.

- [Interrogator] Well, would you be surprised

if I said she confirmed your story?

Said that you weren't there either.

You know, according to Miss Ehrlich,

you and her went to a show in the city

and ate at a pizzeria after.

- Yeah, yeah.

A hammer jack screamo night.

I had a great time.

Pizza was kinda wack.

(rock music)

♪ Left a bitter taste in my mouth ♪

♪ Something I could ♪

♪ Live without ♪

♪ Nothing ♪

♪ Nothing left to say ♪

♪ Gotta break ♪

♪ Better days ♪

(artist singing indistinctly)

♪ Some days ♪

♪ I couldn't live without ♪

♪ Nothing ♪

♪ Nothing at all to say ♪

♪ Gotta break ♪

♪ Better days ♪

♪ Oh ♪

- [Interrogator] Sounds like a whale of a time.

- It was.

- [Interrogator] Let's go back for a second.

- Can we?

- [Interrogator] You're aware of the Decker house.

You all grew up around it.

I mean, you and your friends posted about it on social media

on multiple occasions.

- So?

- [Interrogator] So how do you feel

about what happened there?

(Al chuckling)

- Why don't you ask 2016 me?

I'm sure that's how far you went back on all of our socials.

- [Interrogator] I don't mean snarky comments, bad jokes.

How do you really feel?

- About what?

- [Interrogator] Thank you, that's what I was looking for.

- No, wait, fuck, hang on.

- I told you already,

if I ever mentioned that house, it was to get likes.

That's what I do.

- [Interrogator] Exploit people's emotions?

- Tell them what they want to hear.

- [Interrogator] Are you telling me what I want to hear?

- I don't know, am I?

- [Interrogator] So how do you feel?

- Fucking fine.

Fucking fine, bro.

Come on.

Keep hammering me.

I can take it.

- [Interrogator] I'm asking

how do you feel about what happened to them?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

We just went camping.

- That's for you.

That's yours to keep.

- [Interrogator] Wow.

Thank you.

Treasure it always.

- You know, I could sell that for 30 bucks on Etsy.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Wow. - I know, right?

Late stage capitalism.

- [Interrogator] Any of that money go to a charity?

- Sure.

- [Interrogator] How much?

- All of it.

- [Interrogator] Really?

- Yeah, if you'd like.

- [Interrogator] Hmm.

So?

- So?

- [Interrogator] You gonna answer?

- My friends and I have a deep love and respect

for the victims of Decker house,

for all victims of violence.

Okay.

So, all right, let them know ahead.

Right?

- Yeah, I'm sure that the victims of 9/11 absolutely sucked.

Yeah, that's, yeah.

Yeah.

- Simple.

I'm serious.

Okay, listen.

But every time we,

every time we see something right?

Like a,

like a, a, an unsolved mystery

or like some chick who got run by hit and run.

Right?

- The word you're looking for, I believe is hit.

- [Party Goer] Right here.

- Okay, but every time, right, every time

it's always like, oh wow.

Sharon always,

she was such a great, great lady.

She always brought the sunshine.

It was never like, what a dick she was, right?

- Yeah.

Someone should kill that bitch.

Oh.

- Okay, but I'm serious, right?

Like, you know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, yeah, I know what you're saying.

You got some red on your dress.

- No, I don't.

I don't.

- Come on, look..

Don't you have a fucking monument to piss on

or some shit?

- Funny.

(upbeat music)

- [Interrogator] Did you mean it?

- I said it, so I must have meant it.

I won't apologize for a joke.

- [Interrogator] You sounded pretty sincere.

- I was shit-faced.

It was a college lawn party.

I was just being a college kid.

It's not that serious.

- [Interrogator] It demonstrates a pattern.

- Of what?

The asshole calling someone else an asshole?

Mission accomplished.

- [Interrogator] Let's circle back to true crime.

- Let's.

- [Interrogator] I'm just thinking,

it would make sense.

- What?

- [Interrogator] You got a vested interest

in taking down true crime enthusiasts,

after all the mud they slung at your sister.

- You fucking asshole.

(box thuds)

- [Interrogator] I understand if I touched a nerve.

Can't be easy watching your sister being

labeled a whore when she's not alive to defend herself.

- She's my half sister.

We,

I only met once.

It's,

it's not a big deal.

It's, it's old news.

- [Interrogator] But this isn't.

This is still fresh,

which means you can do something about it.

- What am I doing right now?

- [Interrogator] Obstructing justice!

Look, we can place you on the Decker property.

We got you on the doorbell camera.

- Oh my God.

Of course you do.

That's where we were when they attacked us.

- [Interrogator] You?

- Is that what this whole production is about?

- [Interrogator] You're saying you're a victim?

- Of course I'm saying I'm a victim.

I'm an asshole, so I must be the victim.

Keep up.

- [Interrogator] I got hard evidence

that puts at least one of you in a cell for...

- Oh, what, three to five?

18 months due to overcrowding?

- [Interrogator] Is this a joke to you?

- No.

I take prison reform as seriously as the next American.

Maybe we should send our bad apples to El Salvador.

- [Interrogator] We know one of you is responsible

and that's being conservative.

You know, my guess is

all of you know something.

- Okay, well,

if somebody's not to be trusted, it's probably Al.

He would do anything to impress Jason.

- Yeah, so it's like,

it's like a, it's a padan.

It's a, a pandemic.

Like a, it's like a polemic.

It's a polemic,

but it's like,

like couched in this sort of like

raw sense of humor, you know?

So like, everyone can, can get the,

the commentary, the, the nuance.

But like the characters are the point.

- I lost my fucking eyelash curler.

I'm kill myself.

- Stop you're leafing and let him finish his little story.

- Fuck. - It's an eyelash curler.

Don't shit.

- Gotta be here somewhere.

- Go for it, bro.

Tell us. - Right?

I just want this thing to be over, he said,

poking on a McFlurry of his own fear and patheticness.

- Is patheticness even a word?

- Yeah.

Yeah, it's, it's a word, I think, it's,

maybe it, it's like it's a colloquialism.

- Yeah, I don't know about all that.

Well, what you need is some full frontal.

Dude, they never show full frontal.

- There's a hand job on page 73.

- Who wants to watch a hand job?

- It's metaphorical.

- Did either have you see my eyelash curler in the car?

- Shit, you see this shit?

- What, the couple?

- Yeah, a couple of fucking degenerates.

- Why, because they're gay?

- No, because they're fucking with the baseball diamonds.

Yo.

Cake boy!

Fuck with the field again,

I'm gonna fuck you the fuck up.

- [Degenerate] Yes, daddy.

- Don't daddy me.

I'll fucking spank your ass purple.

- [Degenerate] Big man.

- Oh, you wanna see a big man?

Keep opening that fucking mouth of yours.

Fuck.

Fucking finook.

Yo, so did I tell you about the other night?

Dude, I'm slamming my girl in the ass,

and what does she say to me?

- What?

I don't, I don't know.

- Of course you don't fucking know.

I haven't fucking told you yet.

- My bad. - Fuck.

Now I forgot.

- Sorry.

- It's all good.

It's these fucking degenerates.

You wanna get cute?

Yeah, that's what I fucking thought, sissy.

(wind blowing)

- I don't, I don't know if you can say that.

- I just did.

Finish your fucking story.

- Right.

So,

so the cop says

you don't got a leg to stand on.

Earl turned the face his accuser

smoothing his hair to the side.

Well, he says...

- You got pepper spray?

- Me?

I'm gonna melt this jerkoff's fucking eyes

out of his skull.

You coming?

- Yeah.

Fuck this.

What did you call,

fuck this degenerate.

- Dude, don't be phobic.

Shit ain't cool.

Let's go.

(wind blowing)

You wanna know if I listen to my friends?

- [Interrogator] Before you were close, yeah.

- Not for a long time, but

yeah, I vouched for him if that's what you mean.

- [Interrogator] Every friend group is different.

Walk me through what it was like

the last time you all got together.

- I don't know.

Al was cracking jokes.

Lisa lost her breath spray.

- [Interrogator] Breath spray.

- Yeah.

She was having a conniption.

- So like the Slovenian philosopher,

Slavo Zizek talks about exactly this thing, right?

He's like, you know,

imagine having to watch a snuff film, right?

And you know, a snuff film, you know,

depicts things that happen all over the world

thousands of times a day.

But like, you know,

it's just the fucking sick, the torture,

fucking, you know,

people having their eyes plucked out their head and,

and you know, it's people having their balls chopped off

and burst with a mallet,

vaginal mutilation, shit like that.

But snuff film depicts it,

would you seeing it be able to go on

and have a normal life after that?

This guy says, yeah,

but because you like consciously choose to forget,

like calls it fetishistic disavow some shit.

Like I seen it,

but I refuse the consequences

so I could pretend

so I can like have a normal life.

- [Dan] That's exactly what this true crime shit is.

A Lacanian download of real horror

that titillates the viewer, but

they won't admit it so they

unconsciously desensitize, zone out.

- Lacanian?

Check out Danny fancy panties here.

Wrong is wrong is all I'm saying.

Fucking point blank.

- Where the fuck is it?

- [Jason] What, tampon?

- My goddamn breath spray.

- Oh yeah.

Find that shit.

Your breath be smelling like an open ass.

(Al chuckling)

- You gonna fucking kill somebody.

- [Dan] You want help?

- Shut up.

Stop talking, nobody say anything.

I gotta find this.

- Hysterical woman.

You want us to get you a French tickler to chill you out?

(Al laughing)

- I'm gonna burst your testes with an eyelash curler

if you don't shut the fuck up.

- Hey, it really is good to see you guys.

Seriously.

I love you all.

- [Al] Love you.

- Don't be weird, bro.

We should do something this weekend.

You know, in Jared's memory.

- [Dan] Thought you hated him?

- If I hated him,

would I be at his funeral?

- [Dan] I guess not.

- [Jason] Sure, he was annoying.

But so were all you freaks, and I still love you guys.

- Love you.

- Yeah, it just puts stuff into focus.

Like life is short.

Every second is precious.

You know, we gotta do stuff like this

while we still have the chance.

- I found it.

- [Jason] Yay.

- [Dan] Are you okay?

Is she okay?

- [Jason] Don't ask me, bro.

I don't pretend to understand women.

- [Dan] Maybe one of us should help her.

- [Jason] Jesus, come on, get up.

Wipe the buggers off your face

so Danny doesn't start blubbering.

- I'm fine.

I got it. - I mean you need a...

- I'm fine.

Really not necessary.

(ball bouncing)

- [Interrogator] While you had the chance to do what?

- I don't know, hang out with my boys.

Oh, and Lisa.

- [Interrogator] So you're saying it was all a retreat?

- Yes.

- [Interrogator] From what?

- Reality or whatever that is.

- [Interrogator] Tell me the truth.

- You think you're gonna get the truth with that thing?

A real confession.

Not getting me to confess.

You're recording a mask.

You know, I'm either saying what I want to say

or I'm saying what you forced me to say.

But either way,

you don't know who I am or, or how I feel.

What I might've been through.

You know why I even wanted to go out there.

- [Interrogator] Why did you want to go out there?

- Look,

I'm a douche bag.

I know this.

It's my job to be a douche bag.

And I learned a long time ago

that that's what people wanted from me.

So,

I don't know.

I'm educated, good looking.

I know how to make fun of people

to where they're the ones who laugh the hardest

at what I have to say.

And I'm disarming because people recognize me

as this douche bag.

They see me, they think, you know, they know what to expect.

But I learned how to use that to my advantage,

back in high school.

I've been real successful with it.

You know, like I know how to get what I want

and I don't have to do much.

Just throw my weight around

and you know, laugh at my jokes,

laugh at theirs a little bit harder.

It's a game and I'm winning.

But the problem with winning

is when you're successful,

it never stops.

Like you have to keep on track to keep success going.

And, and, and I'm tired.

You know, I haven't seen my friends in a decade

and all they remember is that he's a douche bag.

This weekend was never about the Decker house.

It was about finding out if all my team building bullshit

was actually legit.

I wanted to show them that I'm more than a douche bag.

I guess I wanted to see for myself

if there was more than all that.

- [Interrogator] So?

Is there?

- [Interrogator] What do you know about your friends?

- Not a lot.

Jason's successful.

Al's bright,

too bright to be roofing, but what are you gonna do?

And Danny,

he's sweet.

- [Interrogator] You don't seem so sure.

- You know that kid who came to your school

like halfway through the year

and you could just tell from a mile away that they smelled?

That's Danny.

- [Interrogator] Danny smells?

- No, no, Danny smells fine.

It's the rest of him that smells.

- [Interrogator] So if I follow,

you're saying Danny's the weird one.

- Weird?

Danny's not weird.

He's just kind of like, meh.

You know, like

he might be safe,

but that's not what safe looks like in real life.

He's kind and he's gentle, but

that's the bottom of the food chain.

- [Interrogator] Okay.

What else do you know about 'em?

Would you say they're trustworthy?

You know what kind of people they are?

- I don't know.

No, I always just kind of went along

with what they were doing.

They were the only people that would hang out

with me in college.

Okay, this prick kid made up all this shit about me

during fresh week and

I was persona non grata.

- [Interrogator] And they came to your defense?

- No.

No, Jason was the worst with the jokes.

He would tell me he was breaking my balls.

My bullies were my besties, if that makes any sense.

- [Interrogator] No it doesn't.

Can you explain?

- Come on.

Stick it in there. - All right.

- You got it?

- I think so.

- All right, cap it.

Let's go.

(wind blowing)

- No, I've never committed arson before.

What do I look like, Thomas Sweat?

- [Interrogator] Who?

- Thomas Sweat.

Convicted of setting more than 300 some odd fires

in Washington DC.

- [Interrogator] You sure do know a lot about arson

for somebody who's never committed it.

- Michael Sphincter.

Alright, four time world champion Cheesemaker

beat out 3000 other people for the title in 2024.

I'm lactose intolerant.

Annabel Chong

engaged in 250 different sex acts

with 300 different dudes in 1995.

Do you feel me?

- [Interrogator] I'm not.

- You don't need to eat cheese or,

or watch gang bangs

or set fucking fires

to be a fountain of meaningless trivia.

- [Interrogator] What do you do for a living?

- Hmm?

- [Interrogator] A living.

What do you, you work?

- I'm a jeweler.

I make jewelry.

- [Interrogator] You're a jeweler?

- Yeah, I,

I make jewelry handcrafted.

- [Interrogator] Where do you sell your wares?

- I have an online store.

- [Interrogator] So you're unemployed?

- I am a homemaker.

It's a side hustle.

But it's, it's poised.

It's poised to take off.

- [Interrogator] No kids?

- We haven't found the right time.

- [Interrogator] And your friends,

do you you have any girlfriends?

- No.

- [Interrogator] Why not?

- Girls are the worst.

Women are even worse than that.

They've had time to optimize their malice.

- [Interrogator] Oh.

- What?

- [Interrogator] You're one of them.

- What?

- [Interrogator] No, nothing.

I've known a couple guys' girls and watch out.

- That's not me.

Okay guys, my guys,

they just, they get me.

That's all.

- [Interrogator] Do they?

- [Al] The urethra's really nice.

It's like you've got a lot of depth in the opening and...

- [Jason] Yeah.

- [Al] I never would've thought

to put balls on the jawline lined up like that.

That's inspired.

- [Jason] You know, I was an art major first.

- [Al] No shit.

Well, with balls like that, how could I be surprised?

- Right?

It is missing something.

Oh,

that's it.

(all laughing)

Look, I don't know what this is all about,

but you've kept us here for,

I don't know, eight hours, 12 hours.

Come on.

If you're gonna keep staring at me

and playing your little mind games,

I think I'll just peace out.

- [Interrogator] Sit down, Jason.

- [Jason] How about you put some respect on my name?

Call me Mr. Bertino.

- [Interrogator] You're in a lot

of fucking trouble Mr. Bertino.

- It not like they are.

It's fine.

It is what it is.

- Those two herbs will do whatever you...

- Grandma.

- For real.

They'll do anything you say, no questions.

Don't fault me for thinking for myself.

Come on, they're just kids.

- I don't care, okay?

This is my home.

They're giving it a bad name.

- You haven't lived here in a minute.

This isn't the place that you thought it was.

- It doesn't matter, okay.

It's still my home

and I don't need them shitting on it.

Okay?

- We're not in college.

This feels like that shit with the baseball bat.

You don't like

the way somebody talks,

or what they say and,

whatever you want.

(no audio)

- I just wanted some quality male bonding time.

- [Interrogator] So you brought a chick?

- I never said I was a smart man,

but I do got a big dick though.

- It's actually a really little dick.

It's just, it's comparatively smaller than Lisa's.

- [Interrogator] Okay, come correct.

- Oh God, you're relentless.

All right, fine.

You want me to confess?

You want me to spill the beans?

Here's my confession.

The other night

when I didn't think anyone could see me,

I drew a little mustache on my penis.

I was bored.

It took me days to get off.

It's still kind of smudged.

- [Interrogator] You know, this is your freedom

you're playing with.

- Look, man, we were just trying

to scare some homeowners off the property.

That's all we were doing.

- [Interrogator] Okay, but things went sideways.

- What, no.

- [Interrogator] Well you said "trying" like you failed.

Some other, some development made you change course.

- All we were gonna do was TP their yard, eggs and windows.

- [Interrogator] You know, y'all are in your 30s?

That shit hits different.

It's vandalism straight up.

- Gimme a break, man.

(velcro snapping)

- [Interrogator] Well that's interesting.

- What?

- Wow.

This place is creakier than your mom.

- This place is creakier than Charlotte.

- I don't even know what that means.

- Whatever the fuck you meant

by my mom being creaky, asshole.

- Welcome to the depths of the Decker house.

- The fuck was that?

- Was it bad?

- Oh, what did the Titanic do?

- [Ken] It sank

- Right.

Now put a T on that.

- Sankt.

Sankt.

Oh, stank.

- There it is.

- [Ken] Oh, I get it now.

Stupid.

(door bangs)

(friends rustling)

- [Interrogator] It's not you in the photograph.

- How can you tell?

- [Interrogator] Because you're sitting

on the wrong side of the table.

- I don't know.

I don't know them.

All I know is what I remember.

- [Interrogator] Do you remember what you did to them?

- I remember who's right.

And that's me.

- [Interrogator] What are you right about?

- Everything.

I'm the offended party here.

And you're, you're railroading.

You're trying to railroad.

- [Interrogator] Nobody's trying to railroad.

All I want to know is what happened.

- You haul us in here.

You, you must have probable cause.

A search warrant.

- [Interrogator] What are you getting at?

- The, the tape?

Danny's camera?

You, you must have seen what they did to us.

(feet shuffling)

(Dan breathing)

(Dan continues breathing)

- Hmm?

I can't even eat corn on the cob anymore, man.

- [Interrogator] You're saying this was the handyman?

- A hundred.

- [Interrogator] We caught the handyman.

He's serving two consecutive life sentences in Riverhead.

- Yeah, you caught a handyman.

But you should have been looking for handymen.

Handymans.

Handy people.

Didn't you even watch the footage?

(Jason groaning)

- Oh, he's coming, he's coming, he's coming.

(Lisa screams)

No, no, no. - No!

(Jason breathing heavily)

Get up.

- [Dan] No.

Shit, shit.

No, no.

- [Interrogator] If they were so unmerciful,

why'd they let you go?

Why not just kill you?

- Maybe they were trying to make a point.

Interlopers shouldn't treat a place where people suffered

like a visit to an amusement park.

(gravel crunching)

- [Lisa] Some of us can't afford to shuck responsibility.

- [Jason] You work.

- [Lisa] I work from home.

- [Jason] Homemaker.

Your your cuck husband gonna, gonna fire you?

- [Lisa] What about Al?

- [Jason] He's in.

- [Lisa] He needs to hold onto a job.

- I, I don't have much battery left, but

today's April, it's,

it's, it's April 1st.

It's mostly overcast out.

(birds chirping)

These days are actually the worst for me.

I didn't wanna wake up at all today.

I never do.

I'm just really sad.

Not because of the weather.

It's,

it's Jason,

it's me.

Whenever I think about the whole,

God,

I keep telling myself,

you're paranoid.

It's, but he's,

he's winking at me.

He's smiling at me with his eyes and,

and it always ends the same.

Jason gets what he wants.

I'm the fool.

The joke.

I am always the joke.

And the part that's so sad,

like the part that's so fucking pathetic and sad is that

I know this.

I know it.

And

I'm gonna do it anyway.

I'm, I'll do whatever because

I know it'll please him.

And,

and maybe,

maybe he'll,

maybe he'll appreciate me.

Maybe he'll love me,

love me like a brother,

like something like a person.

And that's all I want.

You know,

they're my best friends, and

sometimes I don't know if they even like me.

(birds chirping)

I just want them to love me.

That's all I've ever wanted.

(birds chirping)

That's all I've ever wanted.

(Dan sniffles)

I don't know what's gonna happen.

I'm just really scared.

(birds chirping)

I'm scared.

(tool humming)

- [Jason] Don't tell me what to do.

I'm in control.

Who the fuck does she think she is?

Fuck.

What's the matter with you, huh?

Listen to this.

Get your fucking shit together.

(door rattles)

I'm in control.

(slap cracks)

I'm in control. (slap cracks)

Who the fuck does she think she is?

Fuck her.

I hold the cards.

I'm powerful.

I'm capable.

I'm in control.

(Jason sniffs)

Stop treating me with the place (mumbles).

What the fuck?

- [Dan] Sorry.

Lisa's phone number's on the wall in the stall.

- How long have you been there?

- [Dan] What?

No, I...

- How long you've been there?

- [Dan] That's not, I just, I just thought...

- God.

Flush.

Bro, god.

- [Interrogator] So?

- I didn't do anything.

I never do.

- [Interrogator] So that's the story you're sticking to?

You're not gonna gimme anything else?

- Okay y'all, time to brainstorm.

- I really think we should say something about the role

of socioeconomics plays in all of this.

I mean, blue collar handyman,

Long Island subdivision.

I think this huge house

just blocks away from Section eight housing

- Snore.

- Or we could just pull hairs from the fucking drains.

- Oh, gag me with a spoon.

- Why would we even do that?

- To sell it?

Decker house, DNA evidence, link in bio.

- They've been dead for like 15 years.

It's not even their hair.

- Maybe not,

but it's still memorabilia.

- [Ken] It's false advertising.

- I mean, the carpet's still here.

We can just roll the carpet up

and replace it with a new one.

- It's, that's actually,

that's actually a fucking really good idea.

People pay big for vintage,

especially if someone was murdered on it.

- It's not even stained.

It's obviously been cleaned.

- Oops.

Blood stain.

- Go get the box cutter from the console.

- Oh, can't.

Drinking

- Ken?

- Seriously?

- This is how we prove our brand is more legit

than the other competition.

- It feels like grave robbing.

- We are antiquing.

What's the big?

- Antiquing?

(toilet flushing)

Who is that? - Fuck.

- Ken,

Ken, take the knife. - Shit.

- [Ezra] Ken, grab the knife.

Hey, grab the fucking knife.

We can go.

We can go.

- What are you doing? - I,

I don't think I can do this.

- [Jason] What, why not?

They're scum.

- [Al] I, I don't feel so,

I can't, I just like, literally can't.

I, I, I can, I can't... - Grow up.

- Oh my God. - I got this.

Fucking give it to me.

(person screams)

(Jason laughing) (Al vomiting)

Do you see this?

- [Al] I kinda wanna look.

(Al vomiting)

- [Jason] Fucking NPC.

(Charlotte screams)

- [Ezra] Charlotte, what are doing?

- [Jason] Hey.

(Charlotte screams)

- Oh my God.

(Al vomiting)

(crickets chirping)

(crickets continue chirping)

(crickets continue chirping)

(crickets continue chirping)

(birds chirping)

Ken.

Ken, please don't be fucking dead.

- [Dan] So what now?

- [Al] Jason said to let 'em go.

- [Dan] What the fuck?

After all this shit, now he wants to grow a conscience?

- [Al] My guy's getting paranoid.

- [Dan] So that's it?

- [Al] That's what he said.

- [Dan] Did Jason say that shit or did Lisa?

- [Al] What difference does it make?

- [Dan] Fuck me.

- [Al] Do you think they'll find them?

- [Dan] I hope not.

There's a highway through there.

They'll find their way.

- [Al] This is fucked.

(Dan mumbles)

- [Al] Kidnapping,

forced touching,

assault.

- [Dan] Save it.

- [Al] So fucked.

- Look,

if you guys just let us go, we won't fucking say anything.

I swear

we won't fucking say anything.

If it's about money,

I'm sorry we can't give you any.

We have none.

But my jewelry,

my earrings, they're solid gold.

They're worth a pretty penny.

I don't know exactly how much,

but you can get a good fucking amount off of them probably.

- [Dan] I mean, this little earring right here?

- Yeah,

- This one. - Yeah.

- [Dan] That's nice.

- You can just...

Fuck.

You.

Fuck you.

- [Dan] Thanks.

- Fuck you.

- [Dan] Turn the fucking camera off.

- I'm happy to give you my DNA if it helps rule me out.

- [Interrogator] Why they about face all of a sudden?

- You know,

I don't think I truly appreciated the severity of the scene.

Yeah, I didn't,

three, I didn't know there were three of 'em.

That's one killer for each victim.

That must have made it easy to overpower them.

- [Interrogator] Couldn't be you though.

There were four of you.

- Yeah, right.

- [Interrogator] Which doing any kind of math,

that's four on three,

your odds of overpowering them would be greater.

- Yeah, but you've seen the tapes.

You know, we're as much victims as anybody else.

- [Interrogator] Not as much.

That seems to overstate things.

- Right?

Of course.

God bless those poor people.

Kids, wherever they are.

- [Interrogator] You look troubled.

- Do I?

- [Interrogator] You got something you want to get off your,

something you want to share?

- Like what?

- [Interrogator] I don't know.

You look pretty guilty from where I'm sitting.

Jury's gonna see what I see.

- What's that?

- [Interrogator] A guilty party.

- How could we be guilty?

You know, like if Casey Anthony's a legal advocate

and we live in a society,

it's motherfuckers out there

wearing t-shirts with serial killers' faces.

I was on a website the other day,

it's called serialkillerclock.com,

where you get a bobblehead of Albert Fish.

You know, what is, you have that on your shelf,

what does that say about you?

It says, oh, I'm comfortable living in a society

where we treat each other's personal tragedies

like a blooper reel.

You know, you follow me?

Like a society where, fucking,

you know, we have these jackals

that are living for nasty headlines

and gawking at human roadkill

on the nightly news every night, you know?

And, and

if we all accept that we have this hunger,

all of us for, you know, blood, blood, blood all the time,

you know, and, you know, a heaping dose of cynicism to,

but it doesn't even fucking matter.

You know, because like Neil Patrick Harris

is eating a cake, a fucking birthday cake

that looks like Amy Winehouse's decomposing corpse.

And everyone talks about Manson,

but no one knows who the fuck the La Biancas were.

So, you know, just say it to my face.

If you can, if you can look me straight in the eyes

and tell me that capital punishment isn't murder,

that it's just the,

the penalty for someone who breaks the law and gets caught,

then great.

You know, then, then, then, then you, you tell me,

look me in my eyes and tell me we're guilty.

- [Dan] Remember this, bitches.

This is what shame feels like.

Come on.

(crickets chirping)

(crickets continue chirping)

(footsteps thumping)

(crickets continue chirping)

- [Ezra] Fuck it.

(car engine humming)

(footsteps thudding)

Help.

Help me.

(no audio)

- They made me watch.

I mean, they, they've been doing it since

forever.

Jason is the leader.

He's the idea man.

And we are all

just his little toys.

Like, he sets us up

and tells us what to do,

and we do it.

Because what choice do we have?

He's told us

that when he was a kid,

he would get bored

of his toys

and he would burn them.

And I, I think that was a threat.

I guess I should probably cry now.

It's weird that I'm not,

and it makes you wonder

what kind of a girl

can say all of this and not break down.

So I think it's because they already broke me.

He did.

And I just feel

so relieved.

Like a weight has been taken off

and I can finally breathe again.

But it's not Al's fault.

He's too fucking stupid.

He's,

he's challenged.

Danny's the one

that you might wanna look out for though.

It's always the quiet ones, right?

We,

we make fun of them and we ignore them.

And then one day they just,

they show their true colors.

Hurt people hurt people, you know?

And if they tell you otherwise,

then you need to show them

my arm.

Take a picture

and you let them know that

they are the monsters.

- You'd sell us out like that?

You'd be all alone without us,

sitting like a dog in front of a window

waiting for your fuck face husband to get home

so you could try out one of your

interesting fun facts about turquoise on him.

You know, where would you be without us?

And where would you be without this?

And, and, and you would,

and you would do it.

You would rat us out.

- I'm not quiet,

you just don't talk to me.

- I love you guys,

but it is imperative

that you understand

that if any of you deviate from the script,

I will throw dirt

on all of your names.

- Why are they gonna believe you?

- Why wouldn't they?

I have receipts.

- All right.

So run through it again.

This time, no theatrics.

Okay?

Are you ready?

Let's go.

(cheerful music) (artist vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

(cheerful music continues) (artists vocalizing)

- [Jason] Cut.

(no audio)

(no audio)