Original subtitles

Beautiful, right?

Didn't see it. I was blinded by the glare.

Hey,

what do we got here?

Looks like a couple of jaguars. I think I'm going to run them. I'm going to

twist their tail. Come on. What do you think?

I'm surprised you fell after.

When I was a kid there was a car club called the Pharaohs. The one thing I

really wished for was a fancy car so I could get in that club.

Most of us spend half our time wishing for things that we could have if we

didn't spend half our time wishing. We had dances.

We had picnics. We had beach parties.

Hey.

We'll see you tomorrow.

Now show me where are I?

It's a trap. It's an animal trap.

So.

There, catch.

Catch what?

Is it dead?

A chunk of raw meat.

Come on up.

Hang on, Nellie.

That be

a barbecue pit?

Not if I remember my jungle gym movies.

I used it for bait. Probably laid it on top of that cover.

Trying to trap what? Wild dogs?

Wild cats?

A hole that size and that much meat?

Gotta be something big.

Chicago Cole, listen!

I think I'll come and help.

Hey, wait for Buona.

How'd cops get into this?

Were they looking for the cat?

I don't think so, Mr. Kessler.

They're just helping the biker.

I didn't find no sign of Princess.

Yeah, but they're gonna wonder about that pit.

We gotta find that tiger before somebody else does.

If that cat gets killed, I'm out 5,000 bucks.

Maybe if we report it or miss it, we can get the animal regulation people to help

us.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Now, that's just great.

Really great.

Yeah.

And... If she gets hungry enough to hurt someone, then they know just where to

find me.

I'm liable, Tony.

I lose my license before I open for business.

Let's just... We've been searching for two days now.

That's right.

Well, now we search harder.

That cat comes down out of the hills.

I don't want to think about it.

Now, you get out there, will you?

I'll come out just as soon as I finish feeding these others.

You talk about fat, huh?

My uncle is so fat, he can sit around a table all by himself.

You get it, huh? Hey, it isn't the minutes he takes at the table. It's the

seconds.

Seconds. The second helpings. Come on.

Dorset, where did you get these jokes?

I made them up. Why?

You know, I've been told that I have the makings of a pretty good stand-up comic.

Yeah, well, take my advice. Stick to writing magazine articles.

Let me see those cards.

Maybe I can help you punch them up, huh?

Did you see that?

Hey, listen.

I got a buddy who's a very successful comic.

I'll give him a call. Maybe he can give us some professional advice.

Maybe even some great jokes, huh?

Why, you think I need them?

Yes! Wait!

You know, guys, there's this one about this wild little lady.

Frank, come here a minute.

I'm worried about this car fight that you and John broke up. It may be gang

-related. Wheel rumbles with combat cars.

We've had them before.

That lowrider was no combat car.

It was built for show.

I may be able to flush it out.

Well, give it a try.

Also, about your jungle safari...

Did you guys mark that pit? Animal regulations can't find it. Of course we

did. Well, meet him on the fire road first thing in the morning so you can

point it out, okay?

His wife finds all his clothes in Paris!

All right, all right. Paris, Texas!

That's good! You know, the one I like is the one...

You know, uh,

I think them cops got a pretty good look on my car. What do you think?

I say we paint it.

Yeah. Stop chasing Japanos.

Stop?

I ain't been starving, man.

You know what them tacos owe me, huh?

I know if you don't put up behind you, you're gonna end up losing it.

Let me remind you a little piece of ancient history, Vince, in case you've

forgotten it.

Who has a rollover on me, huh?

Send me to prison?

Francisco Martinez, Cisco.

My pal, Cisco.

Yeah, he come in here with that merc.

He said, Wally, I need me a favor.

I said, sure, what you need?

Anything you want, my friend.

Yeah. I z'ed it for him, man. I shaved it. The car's clean.

Then he takes off.

With our work, our money, and my old lady. She's a tramp.

Wally, you're better off without her.

And Cisco is Portuguese, not Mexican.

I'm alone without her.

I said I am without her.

You talk a good game. You talk a real good game.

Because you got a home.

You know what I got?

I got that house.

That's all I got.

First time I felt good in that was when we bumped them Jaguars last week.

I ain't giving that up.

Officer Baker, Officer Pontrella, are you?

Officer Lloyd.

You expecting someone older?

No, um... Taller.

The pit we're talking about's pretty deep.

Would you be good enough to show it to me?

What do you think, giant gopher?

We have no report that might explain this.

You know, people keep big cats for pets, lions, leopards.

Their pets escape, and they try to avoid responsibility by not reporting it.

And if there was any sign or nothing around here, you wiped it out.

Sorry, we had a little problem.

Well, you certainly complicated mine.

Might be some tracks in the brush.

Okay, I'll take it from here.

Listen, if you're talking about tigers and lions, maybe we should stay, I mean,

by yourself.

Weak and helpless?

I was gonna say unprotected.

Sorry.

But people often doubt me just because... Well, you understand.

I don't see anything to doubt.

I'm quite used to protecting myself.

Even against wolves.

Yeah, she can stab them to death with her tongue.

They have a radio and equipment in the truck.

If I need help, I'll call.

Tracked her east as far as Corona Canyon.

She commenced doubling back on me and I lost her in them rocks.

I think she'd stop if she got her belly full.

You don't know how to hunt for food, Mr. Kessler.

Never hunted food in all her life.

It's gonna be dark soon.

We better get back out there and bait those two other pits that we dug.

Here you go, babe. Oh, thanks a lot.

You know, I never realized it before. This is like old family night.

Sure. Guys and gals, mothers, fathers, kids.

A rolling social event, unless the street gangs mess it up.

Spectacular. Come on, I got a name.

I remember this place.

They've been customizing cars here for years.

Come on, let's go in.

The cops think I'm guilty of doing something, Rudy.

I didn't do nothing, man.

You ran away. That's what you did.

They'd hassle him, Rudy. You know how they are.

Okay. You bring me the car. I'll fix it up. You pay me when you can.

Hey, what can I do for you, amigos?

Looking for Rudy Vanta.

At your service.

Two brothers used to own this place.

Gomez brothers. I bought them out.

Should I know you? Well, I grew up in the neighborhood.

Frank Poncherello, John Baker.

How you doing?

We're here on business, no trouble.

Word is you wrote the Bible for a car club called the Jaguars.

I'm still kind of their advisor.

Why? We stopped a game of bump and tag today.

One of the cars was a lowrider with a Jaguar plaque in it. Now, if something's

building up, we'd like to know about it.

I'm afraid you don't understand car clubs, my friend.

We understand people, insults, bad blood, gang wars.

If you can help us, más bien antes que después, ¿no?

What do you want the Jaguar for?

He was speeding.

He left the scene of an accident. Later, we think he was out there looking for

revenge. But mostly what we want is una palabra.

Cooperation. Comprende?

You'll be here tomorrow morning, 10 o'clock?

He'll be here.

Gracias.

Spanked your carbon from the cops.

Just forgot to tell me about any accident, right?

We were trying to get away.

It wasn't Chico's fault.

Otro perro con ese hueso.

You be here tomorrow morning with a car, or I come after you myself.

¿Me entiendes? ¿Me entiendes, chico?

Yeah, it was. Used to be mortal enemies.

Yeah, not anymore.

Cars brought them together.

Hey, uh, is it all right if I go road test my car?

Why not? Go ahead.

Yeah, looks like a rich man's hobby.

Nah. Just ordinary working stiffs.

They do most of the work.

I just help out.

Off the streets and into the seats.

That's what car clubs are all about.

Chico's never been in trouble. Why hassle him?

I could come down a lot harder, Rosita.

Well, what about the guys that started this, huh? Come down on them.

Well, give us some help and we will.

You've been closer to them and their car than we have.

I hear you.

But look, you got a badge.

Somebody hangs a stool pigeon label on me.

Make a long nap.

In a cold bed.

Ah, pues, no faltaba mas.

Look who you talking to, chico.

What kind of honor is there knuckling under, huh?

And then you go after them and then they come after us?

No thanks.

Well, at least quit the car club.

And lose the Jaguar plaque.

Don't drag decent people down with you, ma'am.

The officer.

That license plate on the car?

1FK, Q421.

Doty, keep your mouth shut. I'll handle this.

Morning, gentlemen.

Morning.

Notice the sign down on the road. Would you be Mr. Kessler?

In the flesh.

Uh, anything wrong with the sign?

No, we were wondering if you had a visit by the animal regs officer this morning.

No, I haven't. Why?

Well, we think there might be an animal loose in the hills. Big animal. Probably

a cat.

That could be real dangerous.

But mine are all here.

Oh, our past is catching up with us.

Well, we thought we'd be some help. I mean, there's a lot of these places

around. I've been checking animal parks all morning. Now, this is my

responsibility. I can handle this.

You two like to be left alone?

Mr. Kessler, uh, this is our friend and colleague, Officer Lloyd.

How do you do, officer?

May I take a look around?

Say yes, Mr. Kessler.

She's gonna do it.

Well, sure.

We're just starting to get set up.

Would you like to see the animal compound we're building?

Please.

Notice you've got some empty cages here.

Oh, yeah, we got some more animals coming.

Where's your other tiger?

You've got a permit here for two.

Princess? Oh, she'll be along in a couple days.

Fine animal.

A loose lion or tiger, if it's been raised by people, dependent on people

for its food, is the most dangerous animal that there is. It's always

basically wild. That's true. Very true.

Mr. Kessler, about that equipment in the back of your truck.

Oh, that's just stuff we normally use when we're moving animals.

Units in the vicinity of Drago Canyon and Bradbury Road, we have an animal

control report of a large feline believed to be a tiger loose in the

hills in that area.

VOL and notify immediately.

Use extreme caution.

Don't use no tranquilizers, ma'am.

What did you say?

It's Princess, ma'am.

The lock on her cage got broke. I don't know how, but she just had her baby's

little fall back.

She's allergic to tranquilizers. You follow me.

We've got a helicopter coming. I'll go stand by my radio and guide it in, okay?

Yeah, thanks.

Did you see her?

No, but I saw her tracks. Looks like she's moving this way.

Poor little mother.

She's probably longing for her babies.

What? She had two cubs.

They sold them. Took them away too soon.

That's too bad. Cats make good mothers.

In fact, I know some humans that could profit by their example.

You love animals, don't you?

People aren't half bad either if you give them a chance.

Jaguars? Hey, come on, Wally. Not this one. It's not even ours. Come on!

Where do you want it, taco?

Ain't nowhere to run up here.

She's coming. You better cut the helicopter.

It might frighten her.

Hey, careful of the helicopter. She says it's coming.

Yeah.

LA-50 Mary 3, we have one over the cliff at Draco Canyon, three miles east of

Roxbury. Send a paramedics in 1141.

Is he talking?

I don't think... I think he was trying to tell me something, but I don't think

he was very coherent.

How's he doing?

He's in surgery.

Rudy's down the hall with his mother.

Now, listen.

Just before they took him in, Ramon told me two words.

Los mismos.

The guys who did this to him today. Los mismos.

The same guys.

What same guys? I don't know what you... Chico, the guys you rumbled with before.

He recognized them. If he saw them, you saw them.

We can put them away.

We didn't see nobody.

Man, I wasn't looking at them, right?

I was looking for how to escape.

Who's supposed to stop guys like this, huh?

You or who?

Us, Rosita.

Look, officer, it's my best friend in there, all right?

Me and him, we're like blood brothers. You know what I'm saying?

So, um, why don't you just give me some space?

Don't push me right now. Let me think about it.

Maybe.

Just maybe I can remember.

You have my number.

Decided to join us, did you, huh?

Been looking for you, Ratos.

Yeah, well, you found us.

You know that friend of mine you ran off the road?

Yeah. Well, I hate to disappoint you, but he's going to live.

Well, I guess I'm just going to have to try a little bit harder then, won't I?

Man, you've been chipping at us on the streets, you see.

Now, I want to see what kind of guts you really have.

Well, then, why don't you just keep talking?

Oyo.

Chicken race?

Come on, that's kid stuff.

Pollo, huh?

That's right.

There's the time and the place.

Now, you be there, all right?

Because I will.

You got it, Taco. You want a pollo? You got it.

Hey, it's awful serious at that end of the table. I thought we came here for

laughs. And that's just what's going to happen.

Grossy, you're on.

No way. I'm not prepared.

That's what you think. Look, this is all new material, professional quality.

It's from a buddy of mine. Go on up there.

I can't back out now. Go on.

You insist.

Go on, Gross.

Keep moving. All right, Gross.

Thank you very, very, very much.

Okay, okay.

Hey, Turner, you with us?

Hey, smile, man.

Lost you there for a minute.

No, but seriously, black is beautiful.

I believe that.

Ever since I saw Roots on TV.

Of course, a lot of people turned it off after the first half hour because they

didn't score a basket.

Where'd you get this stuff, Harlan? At a Ku Klux Klan rally?

You're on a roll, man. Go.

Uh, but black guys are good at basketball.

They're, uh, good at football, good at baseball.

Why, they're practically good at every sport but auto racing.

You never saw a black guy at a racetrack driving a car shoo-ee that fast.

No, sir. Any time you see a black man driving a car that fast... Hey, settle

down. It's okay. He's a good dude.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Really, he's a cool dude. Really. Get him out of here. Get him out of here.

George, I'm a friend of yours. The old saying, to forgive is divine.

Be divine.

Hey, you didn't think that was funny?

Now, that from Grossy.

This friend of yours hates cops.

No, he works at the Comedy Crossroads. He gets a million laughs.

Oh shit.

Any news from your sergeant?

No, he'll be here soon.

I hope your idea works. I mean, a tranquilizer gun might as well be a

cannon if that tiger's allergic.

Well, she came back for the meat last night. She's not too hungry.

Well, there wasn't a lion or tiger cub within reach, so I brought you your

second choice.

Go.

Thanks. You're kittens.

I don't get it.

She had cubs, but they took them away.

Kittens won't fool her, but might make her investigate.

You have to understand motherhood, Frank.

Come on, now.

Frank,

there's a Rudy Balter wants to see you right away.

That's a good job.

Thanks. These two are so darling. I'd like to keep them both. Well, they

belong to my son's best girl, and she's nine years old, so watch out.

Rudy,

want to see me?

Something's coming down. I think it's a boy or two size.

A car race, a chicken race.

I made Rosita come with me, but she won't tell me where it's taking place.

Rosita, talk to me.

It is important, baby.

Life or death.

Now, what's going down?

A chicken race?

Where?

Rosita, you just can't grow flowers. You gotta fight weeds.

Who's gonna go to the funeral, huh?

You? And who else?

Okay, that's equal distance.

Now all you gotta do is knock this flag down with your cars.

I don't know.

Send a rescue unit immediately to the L.A. River between 4th and 6th Street.

10-4-7, Mary 3.

Where are they?

You marry him while he's out on bail. Keep him out of trouble.

Hey, treat me right.

I'll get you back in the club, huh?

Oh, man, but you know, I've been doing quite a bit of traveling, you know.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's good to be back here at the Comedy Crossroom

once again.

Hey, is this the guy Gross gets his jokes from?

Slappy White?

He gets a million laughs.

I guess so. I was in Evansville, Indiana about three weeks ago. That's where they

make washing machines.

And you know one thing? I said to the boss, I say, the president's out there

tonight. He said, well, give him a big bow. So I walks out, I said... where is

the president of the washing machine company? He said, right here, sir.

I said, why is all of your washing machines white?

He looked at me and said, we got black agitators.

But I'll tell you one thing, man. See, 1981 is going to be a great year for

black entertainers because we are good in football.

We're good in baseball.

We're good in basketball.

We're good in everything except auto racing.

You'd never see a black man in Indianapolis 500 driving a car that

fast. Anytime you see a black man driving a car that fast, he's being shot

at.

I don't understand it. I guess I'm just not funny.

But you know, ladies and gentlemen, the policy here at the Comedy Crossroads is

to present new and young talent.

Now, I see a friend of mine out there who want me to introduce his protege.

Let's have a nice, warm reception and bring to the stage Artie Grossman. Come

on, Artie.

Come on.

Thank you very much, Slappy.

Hey, how many channels you get on that jacket?

It's really kind of embarrassing because I'm not really a comic. I'm a highway

patrolman, and that's not funny.

No, but you know, as a motorcycle cop, I'm proud of my pursuit.

I mean, what I'm trying to say is that we trained hard at motor school. We fell

down, we ran into things, got all bruised and skinned. Our class yell was,

ouch.

Seriously.

You know, there was this time when this guy robbed a liquor store, right? Goes

into a dark, really scary alley. So what do I do? I call our meanest dog out.

Killer. I say, killer, go see.

Killer runs in the alley.

Killer comes back out.

Killer looks at me and says, he's got a knife.

I said, killer, you were trained to do that kind of stuff.

Killer says, so were you.

I had an old woman, right?

She ran a red light. This old guy is crossing the street.

Old woman hits the old man about 10 feet in the air. He comes down smack right on

the ground. She stands on her brakes and screams, look out!

Old man looks up and says, what are you, coming back?

One time I pulled this lady over. She's waving her arm furiously out the window

like this. You know, I thought she needed help. She goes, oh, no, I'm

drying my nail polish.

And I say, well, excuse me, could I see some identification? She says, oh, don't

be crazy. I'm your Aunt Bessie.