Original subtitles

You find me in the mortuary

of monsieur alphonse the undertaker,

posing for a statue of me...

The hero of the resistance.

With any luck, it will not be long

before the germans are defeated.

Michelle of the resistance has photographed

their plans for the defense of france,

and today we are taking the microfilm to england.

Monsieur, please, please.

How can I chisel away at your chin

when you keep talking?

Bear with me, monsieur alphonse,

I have nearly finished.

This afternoon, we are going to the coast

on a float which we have entered

in the annual fishmonger's parade.

At nightfall, we will launch the float,

and sail to england with the microfilm.

Now, if you think that this is

a rather madcap plan, you would be wrong.

It is totally insane.

But we heroes must make sacrifices for france.

Whoops!

Oops.

You have knocked off my nose.

Don't worry, i'll stick it back later.

How much longer must I pose

for this masterpiece?

Don't distract me, eh?

I am going to start work on your apron.

It is a very, very, delicate operation.

Eh.

Ah!

My chisel is stuck in the sandstone.

Monsieur alphonse, what are you doing?

What? I am trying to pull this out.

A smaller tool is required.

Edith, what are you doing here?

Michelle asked to meet us all here.

Oh my.

Your statue is coming along very nicely.

How lifelike it is,

even without the nose.

Oh, it reminds me a lot of you, Rene.

Monsieur alphonse has captured

your heroic posture so well.

Ah, it is working loose.

Hold the statue while I pull.

I hope michelangelo did not have this problem

with the statue of david.

One, two, everyone...

One, two, three! I think we got it.

Now I've recovered my composure...

I want you to listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once.

The costumes for the fishmonger's parade

are at the cafe.

We are all ready to go...

Except for one thing.

What is that?

Rene, you will have to ask the colonel

and lieutenant Gruber for passes to the coast.

And what if they refuse?

Use your charm, Rene.

The lieutenant will respond to it.

That is what worries me.

Monsieur alphonse, are these the wooden planks I asked for?

Those are the ones. Ah, good.

Here is the nose.

Excuse me while I stick it back on.

You will all have to help me

get these to the float.

But what are they for, Michelle?

To build a ramp.

You have thought of everything.

I always do.

Oh, Rene, now the nose is back on your statue,

it looks most impressive.

Oh, I must see the nose.

Not quite as impressive as it was.

I'm very worried, Gruber.

This crackpot plan of the general's

to assassinate Hitler will get us all killed.

Yes, it is rather hazardous,

blowing him up with an exploding picture frame.

We will tell him where to stuff his crackpot plan.

General Von Klinkerhoffen!

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Lieutenant Gruber has something to tell you, general.

Well?

What is it?

May I say...

You look absolutely charming in that uniform.

It suits you, general.

Your crawly comments have been noted.

Now, the preparations for my plan

are nearly complete.

I do not wish to discuss the details here

in case the room is bugged.

I assure you, general, this office is secure.

No one would dare to eavesdrop on us.

We cannot be too careful.

I have booked a round of golf for this morning.

We will discuss the details of, uh...

You-know-what in the open air.

A wise precaution, general.

You both play I hope?

Well, I last played a round with a couple of fellows

on my tank training course.

I can believe that.

And, uh, you, colonel?

I haven't played for a while.

Do you have a handicap?

Yes.

I haven't got any clubs.

By the way,

if anything should go wrong with the plan,

it would be unwise to be taken alive.

Oh dear.

I have had a suicide pill

implanted in one of my back teeth.

However, there is not time to have similar pills

implanted in your teeth.

What a pity.

We were terribly keen.

So I brought you these instead.

What are they?

Suicide teeth.

What do we do with them?

You wear them.

If anything goes wrong with the plan,

crunch your teeth together

and a deadly liquid will be released

from the false set.

I'll give them a tentative trial later.

No, put them in now.

You must see how they feel.

How do they feel?

They will take a bit of getting used to.

You can say that again.

On second thoughts,

only put them in in an emergency.

Mine are stuck.

So are mine.

Swill them around with hot coffee.

That should loosen them.

In the meantime, we must keep up appearances.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Helga is here to see you, herr Flick.

Ah, helga, good morning.

I was just trying on my new boots.

How strange.

The boots seem too big for you.

Normally, it's the other way around.

They have secret compartments

in the soles,

to hide the remainder of my 10 million francs

when we leg it to south america

to escape the allies.

It will take a long time

to get to south america in those.

What's that jingling noise?

Nine million in notes,

and the rest is in loose change.

Herr Flick,

general Von Klinkerhoffen

is plotting something this morning

on the golf course where he cannot be overheard.

That is most interesting.

Fortunately, two years ago

I took the precaution of bugging

the general's golf bag

for just this kind of eventuality.

He has bugs everywhere.

I'm not surprised.

Bring me my special receiving golf bag,

Von Smallhausen.

Also my plus fours.

Yes, herr Flick.

You will accompany me to the golf course, helga,

where you will play with me.

Give me one good reason why I should do this.

That's a good reason. May I kiss you?

Of course.

Cover your face with my plus fours,

Von Smallhausen.

Stand there,

and close your eyes.

That was wonderful, herr Flick.

May I do anything else for you?

Well,

I could do with a hand to get upright.

So what else is new?

They're over there, herr Flick.

Good.

Tune in the receiver

on my golf bag, Von Smallhausen.

I cannot find their wavelength,

herr Flick.

Then adjust the direction of the microphone,

you dunderhead.

Yes, herr Flick.

Good shot, Gruber.

You're on the green.

I have them, herr Flick.

Good. Let us listen in on them.

Can you see the flag, colonel?

I can hardly see the ball.

How many more hours of daylight are there?

About 10 or so, general.

Let's hope it is enough.

They are moving off the tee now, herr Flick.

We will follow them and play a round,

so as not to arouse suspicion.

Bring the bags, Von Smallhausen.

Ah, here is my ball.

I could have sworn you hit yours

into the trees, general.

It must've bounced back.

Oh, damn.

Wonky green.

I think I'll put a bit of side spin on this one.

Oh dear, I am sorry, general.

I can't find it.

Must have gone down a rabbit hole.

This club's useless.

I give up.

Now is a good moment to discuss the plan.

The framed painting of the fallen madonna

is all ready.

We will go to berlin on the afternoon train,

and deliver it to the fuhrer.

But general, how do we detonate

the explosive in the frame

without getting caught?

With these.

But these are yo-yos.

There is a little switch on the side.

In the off position,

they are ordinary yo-yos.

If I press the switch,

a tiny dynamo inside the yo-yo

is activated.

When I go like this...

The dynamo produces an electric beam,

which will detonate the explosives

at up to 20 meters.

What do you think?

Well, it's different.

When we get in to see the fuhrer,

we will wait until he is examining

the portrait,

then we will get out our yo-yos,

and yo-yo them up and down.

With luck, the fuhrer will be blown up.

We will now have a practice yo-yo.

What have they been saying,

Von Smallhausen?

They are taking the painting of the fallen madonna

by train to berlin this afternoon.

They will play with their yo-yos

and blow up the fuhrer.

Already my cunning mind

is devising a way of recovering the painting

and getting the general and the others arrested.

Nothing must stop us now.

Keep a very low profile

until we get on that train to berlin.

What does my special gestapo manual

say I should do, helga?

Select one of your balls and put it on the tee.

Remove my balls.

Is this normal for a caddie?

You will find them in my ball compartment.

Oh, yes.

Allow me.

What's next?

Hit it with the head of your driver.

Stop!

The driver is your big club.

Read on.

Stand with legs apart,

head down, arms stiff,

hips loose, knees bent,

and keep your face open.

Does it say anything about hitting the ball?

You will swing the club to 2:00,

then hit it.

I cannot wait that long, I will hit it now.

Good morning, colonel, lieutenant.

Rene, how nice to see you.

How rosy your cheeks are.

Thank you, lieutenant.

I have been running.

I am sorry to interrupt,

but I would like a word, please.

What is it, Rene?

Nouvion is entering a float

in the annual fishmonger's parade

to the coast this afternoon.

We need your signed passes, to leave the district.

Can't it wait?

We are leaving very soon.

Colonel, this...

Might be our opportunity

to get out of

you know who's you know what.

What do you mean?

Well, could we not

go with Rene to the coast?

We would miss the train that way.

Good idea, Gruber.

Rene,

we will give you the passes

if you will take us with you on the float.

Well, we have a couple of spare costumes, but...

We will come to the cafe after lunch.

Are you getting anything else,

Von Smallhausen?

Not very clearly, herr Flick.

Then put the microphone up higher.

Stay and watch for a bit, Rene.

You might learn something.

Absolute silence!

If it is all the same to you, lieutenant,

I had better get back to the cafe.

Stond clear of the floot if you ploose.

Where is everybody?

They are in the ciffee.

I thought my spear unifoam

was at the dry clooners.

I borrowed it,

to escort the float to the coast. Are we ready?

I'm all tanked up.

Did Rene get permission to leave

from the germans?

He has the exit pisses with him.

Good, then let's get everyone on the float.

Move back.

I will annoonce you, win by win.

Loodies and gintlemin,

a big hond, ploose,

for madame finny and monsieur leclock

in full kistume.

As you see,

madame finny is a prune

and monsieur leclock is an octopiss.

Nixt, the two wotresses mumu and yvotte

as siRenes of the soo.

This one looks more like a sardine.

Oh, doesn't she? Ha ha ha... ooh!

And noo, a rind of apploose

for madame Edith and ronnie

as venus underdone

and niptune the gid of the soo.

Walk carefully,

you have just dropped a winkle.

Never mind, I've got plenty more

where that came from.

And lost, but not loost,

a kipple of cribs.

I never thought I would end the war

dressed as a crab on a fish float.

It is rather ignominious.

What is going on here?

Colonel, lieutenant Gruber,

what the devil are you doing on this float?

Get down at once.

Stand to attention.

Explain these costumes.

I'm the king crab.

And I suppose you are the queen crab?

I know I said to keep low profile

but this is ridiculous.

Where are your uniforms?

In the cafe, general.

Well, crawl over and put them back on.

Then meet me at the station.

The berlin train leaves in half an hour.

Yes, general.

Off you go, monsieur alphonse.

We will lead you out on the tandem.

And now, everyone,

when it leaves,

you will all give our fishmonger's float

the traditional rousing Nouvion send off.

Oh, how lovely.

They will cheer

and shower us with gifts

in appreciation of our efforts.

I am inclined to agree with them.

Careful with that package.

It is very fragile.

Porter, over here.

Now is our chance to inspect their luggage,

Von Smallhausen.

They will never see through

our cunning disguises.

Follow me.

You have your yo-yos?

In our trouser pockets.

Good.

Put our bags on the berlin express.

Yes, general.

Come. We leave in five minutes.

This package in the brown paper

is clearly the painting of the fallen madonna,

Von Smallhausen.

We will steal it before the train leaves.

A masterstroke, herr Flick.

Of course.

Herr Flick... herr Flick!

This attache case is ticking.

That must be the bomb to blow up Hitler.

We will tip off the station guards

and get the general and the other two arrested.

Put the rest of our luggage

in the guard's van.

Yes, general.

Three minutes to go.

You remembered your suicide teeth, I hope?

Yes, general.

Best put them in until we are safely away.

I'm rather nervous.

What happens if we are caught

before the train even leaves?

Pull yourself together.

There's absolutely nothing to worry about.

I wish I had your confidence.

I wish I had his teeth.

I have the painting, Von Smallhausen.

Well done, herr Flick.

And now for the others.

I am herr Flick of the gestapo.

General Von Klinkerhoffen,

colonel Von strohm, and lieutenant Gruber

are on the berlin train.

They have with them an attache case

containing a bomb to blow up the fuhrer.

I order you to arrest them immediately.

Yes, herr Flick.

Come, Von Smallhausen,

let us examine our prize in the men's room.

Yes?

We have reason to believe

you are carrying a bomb, general.

Do... do not be ridiculous.

Hand over your attache case.

How dare you?

Do you know who I am?

It is ticking.

Why is that?

That is because it merely contains

my traveling alarm clock.

As you see, there is no bomb.

What is this?

Uh... it's a yo-yo, of course.

It looks suspicious to me.

It has a switch on the side.

That is merely so it lights up.

It's just a toy. Give it to me.

We shall see.

Why have we stopped here?

This is where we rendezvous with the other floats

for the parade down to the sea.

Help me down, ernest,

I am dying to go to the loo.

I don't know where you are going to go, fanny.

That looks like

a public convenience over there.

Edith,

I am just going to spend a franc.

Very well, mamma.

You cannot park here.

This is a military zone.

Move off at once.

Everyone back on the float.

Edith, where is your mother?

She went for a tinkle.

Where?

In that public convenience over there.

Oh my god.

That is not a public convenience,

that is a cross-channel gun.

Ernest? Ernest,

I cannot see the chain.

It is there... above you.

It is that thick rope.

Just give it a tug.

Oh, use your eyes, woman.

Who fired the big gun?

Now look what your mother has done.

Why could she not go behind a bush

like a normal person?

Oh my god, it is the firing squad.

The invasion has started. The british are coming.

What?

Look, Rene.

There are dozens of ships on the sea.

It is the allies at last.

We are commandeering all vehicles

for our retreat from the coast,

including this lorry.

Hey, you cannot take that.

Says who?

On the trucks!

Rene, what are we going to do now?

We are going to commandeer this tandem.

It'll be all right. Just get your hair sorted out.

Yes.

Quick, back to Nouvion.

Mind you, do not catch your winkle

in the chain.

You will be the first to know if I do.