Original subtitles

The strain of this terrible war

is getting worse.

I have been presumed dead,

blown up in a windmill,

taken prisoner as a love slave

by the communist resistance,

shot in the bum by a hunter,

and, while posing as a waxwork

at the town museum,

touched up by lieutenant Gruber.

The germans now know that I am alive

and I have explained my absence

by telling them that after the explosion

at the windmill,

I temporarily lost my memory.

I was going to tell you something else,

but I've forgotten what it is.

Never mind, I will think of it later.

- Oh, Rene. - Oh, Yvette.

At last we are alone.

Hold me, kiss me.

Oh, it seems so very long.

What does?

Since we last had time for each other.

Oh, without you my life is so empty.

I will do my very best to fill your emptiness.

Good, let us go behind the henhouse at once.

No, no, no, patience, Yvette.

The time now is not right.

But I will meet you tonight

upstairs in the broom cupboard

when the clock strikes 12:00.

Oh Rene,

until then,

every second will seem like a day,

every minute will seem like a year.

At that rate,

by midnight you will be well over 102.

Ha ha! Oh, Rene.

Rene!

What are you doing

with that serving girl in your arms?

You stupid woman.

- Can you not see... - Stop!

For a change, I would like her to explain.

Me?

Oh, well...

I was crossing the room

when i... oh yes,

i... I fell over this leg of the chair,

and I would have fallen

if Rene had not caught me in his strong arms.

No, no, my dear, sweet child,

you must not lie for me.

I did not want to tell you this,

but I have had a minor spasm.

Not a spasm!

It has passed,

and will not be mentioned again.

Suffice to say that I must

make the most of my time

left to me here.

Oh, sit down, Rene.

Huh? Oh, yes.

I am so sorry.

I always forget how frail you are,

and am only reminded when you come to bed.

I forgive you, Edith.

But please, please,

do not jump to conclusions in future.

Now, Yvette,

you go and lie down, and get over the shock.

Yes, Rene.

Are you sure you are all right, Rene?

Since you officially came back from the dead,

you have been behaving rather strangely.

Well, I have had a traumatic few days.

Rene!

And I think they are going to get even more traumatic.

I must speak with you, urgently.

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once.

Acting on information

received from british intelligence,

my girls and I have managed to obtain

top secret german plans for the defense of france,

when the allies invade.

How did you manage that?!

We waylaid the courier from berlin,

and while my girls kept him busy in a haystack,

I photographed the plans in his briefcase.

I have the microfilm here.

A coup like this could turn the tide.

I know.

Now, we must send the microfilm

by carrier pigeon to england.

But first we must radio to london.

Oh, can it not wait till later?

Oh, but what could be more important than this?

Well, it is just that mamma and monsieur Leclerc

have only just made it up after their row.

I did not want to disturb them,

they are like a pair of lovebirds.

Get out, you two-timing rat!

Lovebirds?

More like fighting cocks.

Let us get up there

before they demolish the attic.

Get out!

Stop that, you silly old bat.

Oh, mamma, what is happening?

Ask him, the unfaithful wretch.

He has cheated on me again.

I found this letter in his suitcase.

Listen.

"My lips burn for yours.

I cannot wait for you

to swing once more

from the chandelier,

dressed only in

your top hat and socks."

I cannot read the signature.

What sort of man are you?

Certainly not shy.

I am the sort that got the letter in 1927.

He admits it, the lecher.

And what sort of woman

would write such things?

Mamma,

this is your signature.

That is what I have been trying to tell her.

Oh, so you were the one.

I still have the topper,

and the socks.

Fat lot of good that is,

we have no chandelier.

We cannot waste time like this.

Monsieur Leclerc, go and get one

of the homing pigeons from Rene's henhouse,

and meet us in the square.

Now we must radio to london.

Aarghh! The knobs,

the flashing knobs!

Shut up.

'Allo, london,

this is blue tit calling. Over.

What is your message? Over.

We have the plans you asked for.

We are sending them by homing pigeon immediately.

Over.

Well done, blue tit.

And here is a personal message,

recorded last night,

by mr. Churchill for nighthawk,

hero of the resistance.

These words could go down in history.

Well done, ronald.

Ronald?

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

What are you deeing with that podgeon?

We are sending vital information to london.

That is a rosky bosness.

I will stand leakout for you,

in case you are spitted by the nitzis.

The pigeon is ready.

Fly bravely and swiftly,

my little pigeon.

Why are you talking to the pigeon, Edith?

He cannot understand you.

He will sense the encouragement in my voice.

Are there any germans about?

Not a nitzi in suit.

We are ready to lunch.

Then goodbye, pigeon.

- There he goes. - Straight for england.

That is not the way to england.

He seems to be circling.

And coming back towards us.

He does not appear

to wint to goo to ongland.

Perhaps you could show

this stupid bird a map.

We will try again.

Drat.

Which homing pigeon

did you get from the henhouse?

The one that lives in Nouvion.

You silly old fool.

How are we going to get the defense plans to london now?

There seems to have been an almighty kick-up.

This week is

the annual fishmonger's parade to the coast.

We will enter a float, to which my girls

will attach propellers and engines.

And if we succeed,

churchill will jump for joy.

No doubt causing a rush of trussmakers

to number 10 downing street.

We will try the pigeon one more time.

Oh, no wonder it will not leave.

It has a baby.

Now you know why I never wanted children.

The colonel and lieutenant Gruber are here, general!

Send them in.

Yes, general.

The general will see you now!

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler. Sit down.

I will not beat about the bush.

The war is going very badly.

Certain generals are blaming Hitler,

and plotting to assassinate him.

Disgraceful!

Who would do such a thing?

I would.

Ah, well, that does put

a different complexion on the matter.

It is a relief to know that I can trust you.

For you are going to help me in the assassination.

Perhaps I could be excused?

I'm a married man.

If anything goes wrong,

you will have a proud widow to whom I shall write.

And if anything happens to you, Gruber?

I should like to be buried with hubert.

Which regiment is he in?

He is my little tank.

Oh, yes, of course.

Now, I intend to deliver the portrait

of the fallen madonna with the big boobies

to the fuhrer in a frame packed with explosives.

When Hitler examines the picture,

he will be blown to bits.

But we do not have the painting, general.

We will have a forgery made.

I have been examining the local police records

and it seems that the old man at the cafe,

ernest Leclerc, is a convicted forger.

I have sent for him.

He will make a copy for us.

But, general, he has nothing to copy.

I have here,

a photograph of you holding the painting, Gruber.

As a further help, I've arranged

with private helga geerhart,

to pose as the fallen madonna for us.

General, it is an ingenious plan,

but how can you ensure it is the fuhrer who is blown up?

Someone will have to be present

to detonate the frame when Hitler receives it.

Will they not be killed too?

There is that risk.

But whoever succeeds will have almost every man

in the german army behind him.

Quite a prospect.

This is the float we used

the last time Nouvion won

the annual fishmonger's parade to the coast.

Incredible how, after all this time,

the pong of success still lingers.

I had to dress as a lumpfish,

I remember it well. I was only 16.

And to think,

I waved this parade float farewell,

never knowing that my wife-to-be

was the small lumpyfish in the back.

I do not know if I can still get into the costume.

Do not worry,

there is plenty to choose from.

They are here in this box.

Rene, you can be neptune on his throne.

And someone...

Will have to be venus unadorned

rising from the sea in this giant clam.

There is only one woman in Nouvion

who has the right qualities

to act the part of venus.

Oh, I am sorry,

but unadorned I would have nowhere to hide a gun.

I meant madame Edith.

Oh, thank you, monsieur alphonse.

I accept.

Of course, I shall have

a piece of cheesecloth modestly draped.

But, Edith,

venus was the goddess of beauty.

I know.

And when I arise, almost unadorned,

from the clam shell,

it will take the spectators' breath away.

The mere thought makes my ticker go all dicky.

Madame Edith, would you like

to try the shell for size now?

Of course.

Excuse me.

Monsieur, would you give me a hand?

The spring mechanism seems to have rusted.

Lie down inside, madame Edith,

let us see if you fit it.

It is just like the ones we serve,

only bigger.

I'll go and get a tire lever.

Let me out!

Hang on, venus.

The forgery is going nicely.

I must say, helga,

you're very convincing as the fallen madonna.

Have you done it before?

No, general.

But I did once play the virgin mary

in a school nativity play.

Somehow I don't think that would have been quite so convincing.

Touch more pink there,

monsieur Leclerc.

The face and dress are very realistic,

but what's that big blank space in the middle?

I do not wish to discomfort private geerhart

any more than is necessary.

She will uncover for a short time,

only for the painting of the boobies.

Thank you, general.

It is rather embarrassing with you all watching.

Do not worry, helga. We are not the slightest bit interested

in the painting of privates.

I am ready now to do the boobies.

Very well.

You may uncover yourself briefly.

Perhaps you would all turn away for a moment.

All except the forger.

Let us know if you need another look.

I think one was enough.

This is the missing left booby

from the painting of the fallen madonna.

We must cash it in to escape to south america.

We will not go far on one booby, herr Flick.

The two waitresses from the cafe

ply their trade as ladies of the night

underneath the lamppost in the square.

We will kidnap them

and steal their clothes.

Then using one of their keys,

we will gain entry to the cafe

and search it.

A brilliant plan, herr Flick!

A long one, but brilliant.

We will try on some suitable wigs.

I will be the tall brunette with the good legs.

You can be the short one with the big bum.

Do I look like a tart?

No.

More the result of a mating

between a yeti and a chihuahua.

This is the mark I prototype of the frame

that will be around the portrait

of the fallen madonna when we deliver it to the fuhrer.

It looks very authentic, general.

Our scientists are at this moment

working on a foolproof way of detonating the frame.

Naturally, they know nothing of our intentions.

But for the purposes of this test,

I will use a simple radio beam

to blow the explosives.

Are you sure it is safe

to do this here, general?

We do not want to blow up the whole chateau.

Oh, relax, relax.

The scientists assure me that the explosion

will be localized.

The dummy of Hitler will be blown to pieces,

but everything else in the room will be left untouched.

Stand by.

Goodbye, adolf.

Hello there.

My,

aren't you a cute one?

How kind.

I have no money, but,

I am young and good looking.

I, too, have no money,

and I am young and better looking,

so buzz off!

Oh, the nerve of some people.

Anyone would think we looked cheap.

Good evening, tarts.

Oh, herr Flick!

This is a surprise.

How would you like a good time

with a couple of debonair curb crawlers about town?

Certainly. Where are they?

I was referring to Von Smallhausen and myself.

Have you money?

Pots of it.

Get into the car.

I will go in the back of the car.

So I've heard.

No, you can have Von Smallhausen.

He's more your size.

This is a strange place to bring us to.

Is it your secret headquarters, herr Flick?

You will soon find out.

Open the door, Von Smallhausen.

Come inside, my dears.

We have a little surprise for you.

In our line of business,

most surprises are little.

Any more peter lorre impersonations,

and you will find yourself working

in the gestapo hat factory.

Take off your clothes.

What? Here?

Of course.

Is there nowhere more private, like... a tool cabinet?

This will do. Begin the undressing.

First you must produce the necessary.

What?

The money, Von Smallhausen.

Oh, yes, of course, the money.

I've never done it in a garage before.

No, we could get very dirty in here.

What kept you so long, Rene?

I have got through 10 chapters

of "war and peace," waiting for you to come to bed.

I was just making myself a little snack.

Garlic sausage and pickled cucumbers.

It seems such ages

since we had any time together.

I am a passionate woman, Rene,

I have appetites that need to be satisfied.

Here, have a pickled cucumber.

Sometimes you seem so distant.

Take me in your arms, Rene,

kiss me, cuddle me.

I will just finish my garlic sausage.

Now.

What is the matter, Edith?

Nothing.

I seem to have gone off the boil.

Oh, and I had just got up steam.

Ah, well, perhaps another night.

Are you all right?

Quickly, untie my hands.

We must get back to the cafe.

They even stole our handbags.

We've been played for suckers.

When herr Flick said he wanted to tie us up in our underwear,

I did not think he had this in mind.

Quiet, Von Smallhausen.

The door is locked, herr Flick.

Check your handbag.

Those girls must have a key somewhere.

Hurry, these heels are killing me.

I have the key, herr Flick.

And I have the torch from the car.

Let us go inside

and begin our search for the painting.

Lock the door, Von Smallhausen.

Yes, herr Flick.

- And produce your torch. - Yes, herr Flick.

We will look upstairs first.

If you have any problems,

flash me.

With your torch, dunderhead.

I will take the front.

You search the back.

Someone is coming.

We must hide. Quick.

Rene...

Now where has he gone...

Oh, no,

not another spasm.

I must see if he is all right.

Now for Yvette.

I am here, my darling.

Rene! You faithless swine.

What are you doing in that broom cupboard

with that tart?

You stupid woman.

Can you not see that this is...

Herr Flick of the gestapo?

Oh, so it is.

Oh, I am sorry, herr Flick.

But I did not recognize you

in a skirt and fishnet stockings.

Well, you should have.

So should you.

But what were you doing

in the broom cupboard with him?

Really, Edith, is that not obvious?

No.

Well it was like this, you see.

Yes?

Well, I was in bed, trying to get off to sleep

next to you, my darling,

when I heard a noise on the landing.

Thinking that it might be burglars,

I came out to apprehend them,

and happened to find herr Flick

in the broom cupboard disguised as a tart.

You expect me to believe that explanation?

Any other explanation would be unthinkable.

Silence, peasants.

Von smallhausen?

Yes, herr Flick?

You may come out now.

Herr Flick, may I ask what is going on?

No.

May I ask?

Shut up, Von Smallhausen.

You will find the portrait of the fallen madonna

with the big boobies for me or you will be shot.

Do you understand?

Yes, herr Flick.

Otherwise, I shall be in every cupboard you open

until I find it myself.

Come, Von Smallhausen.

It is locked.

Well, how are we going to get inside?

Look!

The window to Rene and madame Edith's room is open.

I will climb in and come down

and open the door.

Give me a leg up.

Oh, Rene, I think I will go and get a glass of water

before we go back to bed.

Yes do that, dearest.

I still feel very shaky.

It was a shock to find you in the cupboard with herr Flick.

It came as something of a surprise to me as well.

Yvette!

My god, what are you doing here?

And why are you dressed as a car mechanic?

Oh, Rene, I've had a terrible night.

Hold me.

Are you mad?

Edith will be back here any moment.

That is her now. Quick, you must hide.

Here, get in the wardrobe.

I'm sorry I missed our rendezvous

in the broom cupboard.

Yes, so am I.

No, no, please.

Just get inside, please.

For god's sake.

Oh my god, lipstick. Edith will kill me.

Rene.

Oh no.

Rene, i...

Now where has he gone?

Oh, I see it all now.

He has sneaked out

for an illicit relationship with someone.

Oh, the villain.

I will catch him this time.

I will get dressed, and follow him.

Ah! Rene!

What are you doing in the wardrobe

with that serving girl,

with lipstick all over your face?

And why is she dressed as a car mechanic?

You stupid woman.

That is the second time tonight you have done this.

And what explanation have you got?

I am not made of explanations.

In a marriage, there must be some trust.

He is right. I am overreacting.

I must be calm

and think things out.

I have thought things out.

You...

Oh, no!

Aah!