Original subtitles

You are probably wondering what I am doing

lying on a table with my trousers down.

There is, as usual, a simple explanation.

I was being held prisoner in an underground bunker

by ladies of the communist resistance

who were using me as their love slave.

I managed to escape,

but because they had taken my clothes

I had to cover myself up with an elkskin bedspread

in order to get back here.

Unfortunately, while I was running through the woods

a hunter mistook me for a real elk...

Shot me up the bum.

I am now having the pellets removed

and it is not a pleasant experience.

Ow, that hurt!

We are sorry, Rene.

We are trying to be as gentle as possible.

There were dozens of pellets to remove, I'm afraid.

Your backside looks like a colander.

You have missed one there.

Face the front.

This is no concern of yours.

I was only trying to help.

- Oh. - You too.

You are only here to hold the towel.

Spoilsport.

There is just one more, I think.

- Where? - There.

I said face the front.

It is very deep.

I shall need my special forceps.

Oh my god, you are not going to take

my tonsils out as well, are you?

I hope you have a steady hand, doctor.

So do I.

- Can I get up now? - Of course.

Rene?

Ah, there you are.

I did not recognize you from this side.

What is it, Michelle?

I must speak with you urgently.

You certainly pick your times.

We will help you with your trousers, Rene.

You will do nothing of the sort!

Go upstairs and get ready.

- I will help Rene. - I can manage, thank you.

- Would you like these as mementos? - No, thank you.

I do not wish to be reminded of this moment ever again.

You won't be... not until you sit down.

Goodbye. Good day to you.

What is it, Michelle?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once.

Now that the germans think you are dead

it is an ideal opportunity

for us to smuggle you to england.

Are you mad? Why would I want to go to england?

Because the british need you

to help with their invasion plans.

Just think what a hero you will be.

That is true.

There will be a statue of you in every town in france.

Not only the one we're erecting here.

A statue of me here?

The germans have already agreed.

But only because they think you are dead.

If you announce you are alive

there will be no statue.

I will go to england. It is my duty for france.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

Is everyone roody for the procission

of your personal positions, ronnie?

What is this idiot on about?

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

They are doing a parade of your beret and boots

through the town this morning.

And then they are to be put on display in the museum.

The last remoons of a broove min.

What an honor.

Oh, I must make myself scarce.

The plane will pick you up tomorrow night, Rene.

Keep out of sight until then.

I will hide upstairs with my bum in a bucket of ice cream.

Remind me never to order a raspberry ripple again.

You cannot hide here, Rene.

The germans may decide to search the cafe,

then all would be revealed.

He could hid in the marzeum.

No one would leak in there.

That is a good idea.

You can join the procession

and then hide in the museum

when they put your remains on display.

I could be be recognized if I join the procession!

Then you must go in disguise.

Officer Crabtree, take off your clothes.

I big your pidden?

Rene can wear your uniform to get to the museum.

The thongs I dee for ongland.

As you see, I am prude to wear the union jock.

And a big one, too.

Ah, there you are, Gruber.

We've been looking all over for you.

Good morning, colonel.

Ow!

What are you doing?

The garrison mechanics have all been sent to the coast

to overhaul the frontline panzers

before the british invade.

So I am servicing hubert junior myself.

Hubert junior?

My little tank. That is his name.

I am just replacing a piston.

We are supposed to be attending

the ceremonial procession for Rene this morning.

Oh, I will be finished by then, colonel.

And we'll have to ask madame Edith

if she's found the painting of the fallen madonna.

We've got to get it back.

I will be ready in a moment.

I must just check the pressure

in the cooling system.

I didn't know you knew anything about engines.

Oh, yes!

I studied tank maintenance

at officer training school years ago.

Although, perhaps, I could do with a refresher course.

There, that should do it.

You will not trip over your trouser legs now.

Be keerful of my unifoam, ronnie.

I do not have a spear.

I hope this works.

If somebody recognizes me in this outfit I am a dead man.

You are a dead man already, remember?

Well, I do not wish to make a habit of it.

Hello...

Mamma!

What?

Oh dear.

Yes, well, where are you?

Well, get a taxi.

We have to go out,

but I will leave a note for you on the bar.

Bad nose?

Some good, some bad.

The good news is mamma is back from paris.

She is at the station now.

That is the good news?

And the bad nose?

She and monsieur Leclerc have split up.

Apparently, he left her for a younger woman.

How young?

A spring chicken of 75.

Mamma is heartbroken.

But she has been consoling herself

with a retired, one-legged gigolo from marseilles.

How awful to have to sink to such depths.

Mamma is bearing up very well.

I was thinking more of the gigolo.

The procession is about to begin.

Are you all ready?

Have I grown taller

or have you grown shorter, officer Crabtree?

It is me, you old fool.

Ronnie is disgeezed as moo.

You must try and hide him

in the museum, monsieur alphonse,

until he can get to england.

I have just the place.

Oh, Rene,

your beret and boots.

People from all over france

will flock to see them on display.

I knew I should have had these soles repaired.

Monsieur Leclerc, you are back!

I have hiked all the way from paris.

I thought you had run off with a younger woman?

I did,

but she had wheels on her walking frame

and I could not keep up with her.

I know the feeling.

Is madame fanny back?

Even at this meement she is on her woo.

Oh, I will keep out of her way for a bit.

You can play the drum at the front of the procession.

I've left it outside.

Now come on, we must go off.

Yvette!

By the way,

the post boy gave me this note on the way in.

- It is for you. - Oh.

The writing is very faint.

Oh, that is better.

It's an invitation from herr Flick.

He wants me to have tea with him this afternoon.

What!

He is after the painting of the fallen madonna.

He came here while you were missing.

He told me he was really a british agent.

You did not believe him, I hope?

Of course not.

Naturally, I will not accept his offer to tea.

On the contrary, Edith, you must.

- Why? - String him along,

he may tell you where he has hidden the missing booby.

You are right!

I will use all my feminine wiles on him.

It is amazing how the sight of stockings

and a glimpsed suspender

can unnerve the most strong men.

Do not use all your wiles, Edith.

You do not want to give him a heart attack.

I am ready, madame Edith.

Let us go, my children.

Oh, I have forgot the note for mamma.

Officer Crabtree,

there is some hot soup on the stove in the kitchen.

Would you be kind enough to put some in a thermos

and take it upstairs to the attic for mamma?

No priblem. Leave it to moo.

Get bick there. Get bick.

Make woo for the procission.

Stand asood. Stand asood.

Hm, that looks cimfy.

I think I'll loo down and have farty wonks.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Monsieur leclock,

you can stop bonging the drim noo.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have gathered here to pay our last respects

to Rene Artois.

Or what is left of him.

This cap and these boots

are all we have to remember him by.

They will be displayed in the museum

so that we never forget

what a true hero he was.

There will now be a collection

to pay for the display case.

Please give generously.

- Officer... - Huh?

Perhaps you would go round and collect the money?

What with?

Here, take this.

Nein!

Would you like to contribote

to the colloction for a broove min?

No chance. He was no friend of mine.

A real shifty character he was.

He owed me money, too.

How deer you speak bidly of the dood?

- He watered his wine. - And shortchanged us.

Do not spot in the stroot, or you'll get

a bing on the nit with my troncheon.

He still owes me for his truss.

Be about your bosness, you ill-minnered pisants.

Rennie Artois should be remombered

as a min with a winderful pissed.

We must contribute, colonel.

Rene was a dear friend.

Dearer to you than to me.

I think we should ask madame Edith

if she's found the painting yet.

Please, colonel, this is not the time.

Cooey, officer,

over here.

Oh my gid.

He has not seen us.

Let us go to him.

Here you are, officer.

Think you, lieutenant greeber.

I have very fond memories of Rene.

May I touch his cap?

If you wash.

I knew he was a big man,

but I had no idea he was a size eight.

He had such greasy hair.

Thank you for your ginerosity.

I must be on my woo.

You know, colonel,

I could swear that policeman

has got better looking.

That was a close shave.

I think my disguise fooled the lieutenant.

How much money did you collect?

50 francs and a bent polish zloty.

Skinflints.

Let us get out of here

before somebody recognizes me.

Monsieur leclock,

you can start bonging again.

Double quack toom.

Ah,

it is good to be back at the cafe.

Now, where is Edith's note?

Ah.

"Welcome home, mamma."

Oh.

"I have left you something

up in your bedroom...

to warm you up."

Such a kind,

thoughtful daughter.

Madame finny!

Oooh!

So this is what Edith meant,

a gigolo!

Move over,

it is party time.

Not on your nelly.

Oh.

They do not make them like they used to.

I will take these back to officer Crabtree.

He must be chilly in his underwear.

But what about his trousers?

I am keeping these.

I am not waiting here in my longjohns.

I will get you some more clothes

from my mortuary.

I'm sorry I am late, my suspenders burst.

My stockings are held up with corn plasters.

You are just in time to say goodbye.

Well, goodbye, monsieur Leclerc.

Goodbye, Rene. Good luck.

Girls, please. Do not upset yourselves.

Goodbye, Yvette.

Goodbye, Rene. I will miss you.

Mimi.

I will think of you while you are away.

Goodbye, Edith.

Now, off you all go.

You still have a cafe to run, you know.

- Goodbye, monsieur alphonse. - Goodbye, monsieur.

We will give your beret and boots

a fine display here.

Where is this hiding place for me?

Ah, through that door.

You'll be quite safe there.

Oh, I must get a key from the curator.

And do not forget my new clothes.

Your new clothes, of course!

So much for a fine display.

It will be good to pay our last respects to Rene

in the privacy of the museum, colonel.

There were too many people in the square.

This tank is jerking around a lot, Gruber!

Are you sure you fitted the new piston properly?

It just needs running in, colonel.

We are off for a nice spin

in the countryside this afternoon,

aren't we, hubert?

It's a tank, Gruber, not a pet!

You must treat them with affection, colonel.

A little tank like this needs coaxing.

It needs a good kick up the exhaust!

Now you've upset him, colonel.

Here are some more clothes.

What about the cleaning woman?

Oh no. She is deaf as a post

and shortsighted. She will not bother us.

Try these trousers for size.

I can hear somebody coming.

Oh, no.

Oh, my dicky ticker.

Who is it?

It is the colonel and lieutenant Gruber.

Oh my god! What are we going to do?

They must not find me here.

Monsieur, you must hide.

Look. Come here, pretend you are a model.

- What! - Mmm, like that.

Ah!

How do you do, officers?

We have come to pay our last respects to Rene.

Where are his boots and beret?

They are not on display yet.

Please come back next week.

Oh dear. I was so looking forward

to spending some time alone with them.

What a fascinating place this is.

What is this?

That is a replica of the town guillotine.

Ugh, how ghoulish.

And these waxworks?

They are all figures of people famous in french history

who had connections with Nouvion.

Who is this?

That is anthrax the gaul.

A local chieftain. And this,

if you walk this way,

is louis xiv's sister's second cousin.

And this here is a local tart

who had it off with napoleon.

And who is this under the cloth?

Oh, no, please, don't touch, monsieur...

It is Rene!

You have made a waxwork of Rene!

I thought he was to have a statue.

I always make a waxwork figure

as a guideline to the statue.

Very realistic.

What a fine,

handsome fellow he was.

He seems positively to glow with life.

That is because he is not quite set.

You're right,

the wax is still warm.

Please don't touch it, monsieur. It is very delicate.

Perhaps tomorrow he will be firmer.

Is it customary to model a hero like Rene

without his trousers?

Ah!

I was just getting him dressed.

Oh, please let me help you.

No, no, no... no need, monsieur.

That's funny. I could have sworn

his hand was down near his chest.

No, monsieur, you're quite mistaken,

a trick of the light.

Now please go. The museum must close.

Bless you.

Are you all right, monsieur?

I have just lost all my loose change.

How unfortunate.

I could have lost an awful lot more.

I presume massaging my manly shoulders

is driving you wild with excitement, helga.

No.

In that case you will stop.

I am expecting madame Edith from the cafe at any moment.

You do not usually entertain peasants, herr Flick.

She is going to reveal to us the whereabouts

of the painting of the fallen madonna.

Are you sure she will tell you where the painting is?

She will not be able to prevent herself.

In this teapot is a powerful new truth serum

extracted from the giant peruvian porcupine

at the height of the mating season.

It must make the porcupines very nervous

with gestapo agents crawling about in the grass

waiting for the mating.

Not half as nervous as it makes the agents.

It is her. You must leave.

I will let her in on my way out.

Heil peasant!

Good afternoon, herr Flick.

Please sit down.

Would you like a cup of tea, my dear?

Oh, thank you.

Mmm!

It's delicious. Camomile?

No, peruvian porcupine.

In fact, a potent truth serum.

Any moment now you will go into a trance

and tell me everything I wish to know.

Surely you are pulling...

You will take notes, Von Smallhausen.

Where is the painting of the fallen madonna?

I think it is in the drawer in the back room.

Aha!

Although it could be inside the cuckoo clock,

or upstairs under the bed,

or in the wardrobe in the spare room.

On the other hand,

it could be behind the henhouse,

in the pantry, behind the bar

or hidden in the lid of the piano.

But I am only guessing.

The serum is not working.

It must have been a very old porcupine

with a bad memory.

You will come out of your trance

and remember nothing of this conversation.

What conversation?

There may, however, be side effects.

The serum of the peruvian porcupine

is not absolutely foolproof.

When will these side effects begin?

Any second...

Now.

Fill me up again.

You are drinking rather a lot.

It is dutch courage.

I am about to go upstairs to make it up with fanny.

Is this wise?

She was in a foul temper earlier.

I have to do it some time.

And she is a very forgiving woman.

Fanny, darling, I am coming upstairs now.

Get out, you two-timing rat.

You lecher...

On second thoughts, perhaps I will stay

down for the time being.

Monsieur, you must hurry, someone is coming.

Oh my god.

You must hide, monsieur.

No, I am not going to be a waxwork dummy again.

Look, rest your head down here.

What?!

Pretend you are a model.

I am not putting my head under the guillotine.

Look, it is just a cheap replica.

It does not work. Quickly.

Good moaning.

Oh, it is you, officer Crabtree.

Where is ronnie?

I am here.

Oh my god, I though you said it did not work?

So I made a mistake.

I want my troosers bick.

These are very tit around the critch.

Where on earth did you get them?

I borrowed them from one of my stiffs.

Just swap them over.

All right.

By the woo, I have a massage from Michelle.

And what is the massage?

The earcraft for ongland

is delood for a wick.

Oh, no, I am not waiting here a week.

I am going to go back to the cafe.

But you cannot, ronnie.

You are suppissed to be dod.

I am dod no longer.

How will you explain your absence

all this time, monsieur?

I will say I lost my memory

after the explosion at the windmill.

I have been wandering around the countryside ever since.

Here, you take these.

It will be more convincing

if I say that I lost my clothes after the big bang.

I will turn myself in to the first germans I see.

I have a bitter plan.

Go to the jonktion outsod the toon,

and I will fond you on my burcycle.

You are full of plans today.

My broon is going like the clippers.

I will meet you at the jonktion

at half pissed socks.

My goodness!

Surely, it can't be!

Rene!

Rene, I do not believe it.

You are alive.

Do I know you?

It is I,

lieutenant Gruber.

What is the matter?

Do you not remember me?

I remember nothing except a big bang.

Oh, Rene, I see what has happened.

In that terrible explosion at the windmill,

you lost your memory.

Memory, that is right, yes. I have lost my...

My... what was that word?

Memory.

Memory.

Get into my little tank.

I will take you back to my quarters,

get you out of those filthy clothes,

and give you a nice, hot, relaxing bath.

Suddenly I have recovered my memory.

What a miracle.

Thank you, lieutenant, but if it is all the same to you,

I will... I will walk home.

Oh, no, Rene.

- I remember the way. - I will give you a lift.

Clarence, follow that man.

Now, lieutenant, I really do remember the way home.

No, no, Rene, get into the back of the tank.

Please, no, please, lieutenant, I know the way.

I have a lovely bottle of armagnac back at my quarters.

Please, I beg you. I beg you.