Original subtitles

I have had some lucky escapes in my time,

but none quite so dramatic as the one last night.

Edith and I went to the local church

to act as lookouts while monsieur Alfonse

climbed onto the church roof to hammer off the lead

for a battery we are building to power

the secret resistance radio transmitter.

While we were there the local parish priest arrived

and mistook Edith for Yvette,

whom I was planning to marry in secret.

Imagine my horror when the priest wanted to marry me to Edith.

Fortunately the hammer of monsieur Alfonse

fell through the roof and knocked the priest out

before I could say "I do."

No man has ever walked back down the aisle

with a bigger smile on his face.

We are not open for another hour.

Not even for Louise?

- What? - The woman who loves you.

The woman who would kill for you.

The woman who has waited two years to see you again?

Well, I could bend the rules.

But what are you doing here?

Should you not be with your communist friends

- blowing up things? - Oh, silence.

- Hold me. - Oh.

- Oh. - I have thought about you constantly

and drawn strength from this lock of hair

I took from you all those years ago.

So that is where it all went.

- Now I am back. - Yes.

- We can at last get married. - What?

Do not refuse me, Rene,

or I might do something drastic.

Louise, you would not kill yourself.

No, I would kill you.

Well, yes, that would be rather drastic.

But should we not wait until the war is over?

The war will be over in a few days.

But the allies have not even invaded yet.

But we communists hold a trump card.

We have captured Hitler and Goering.

Oh my god.

We know that Michelle of the resistance...

Has a radio transmitter.

Tell her to bring it to our headquarters

in the old barn near the abbeville road.

We will force Hitler to broadcast a surrender

thus ending the war at a stroke.

Oh, excuse me. My brain is reeling.

You mean you have Hitler and Goering tied up in a barn?

They are locked in the tractor shed at the back.

- Oh. - Oh, Rene.

We will broadcast the news of our marriage to the world.

After a surrender broadcast from Hitler,

that could come as a bit of an anticlimax.

Rene!

What are you doing with that brazen hussy in your arms?!

You stupid woman!

Can you not see that I am acting under duress?

This is Louise of the communist resistance,

probably the most dangerous woman in the whole of france.

Oh, I am sorry. I did not mean to speak out of turn.

What was that about a brazen hussy?

Look what you have done now, Edith.

You have made her very cross. She could shoot us both!

Leave us, unless you want a bullet in the head.

Oh, forgive me. I did not mean it.

Just pretend I never came in.

Here, put your arms around him again.

Careful! I have one up the spout!

Oh, congratulations.

Excuse me while I just slip away down the back passage.

I must go now, Rene.

I will escort you out. Come.

Make sure you come to the barn with Michelle...

Or I will come looking for you.

I will be there! I promise!

Oh!

Oh, Rene! I saw everything through a crack in the door!

How could you embrace that horrible girl?

I thought you loved only me and our child.

I do love only you, Yvette.

Please, she forced me to hold her.

It was horrible.

I could feel her live hand grenades pressing into me.

Rene!

What are you doing with that servant girl in your arms?!

You stupid woman,

can you not see that I am suffering from nervous shock

after being held at gunpoint by that ugly communist resistance girl?

I would have fainted if Yvette had not supported me.

Oh! This is absolutely true.

- Yes. - Oh, I am sorry, Rene.

I did not realize the strain you were under.

I must go upstairs

and lie down for a bit, dearest.

I will come up and lie down for a bit as well.

My soothing words and gentle hands

will take away your anxieties.

On second thought, a brisk stroll

around the square is what I need.

How quickly he recovers.

It must have been your soothing words, madame Edith.

Yes.

You'll have to go and lie down for a bit alone.

So what is new?

Colonel Von Strohm's office.

Ah, Helga, this is general Von Klinkerhoffen speaking.

Uh, you may be wondering where the colonel

and lieutenant Gruber are today.

Well, yes, they're not usually this late.

I am afraid they will not be in at all today.

Nor any other day, probably.

They've been taken prisoner by the resistance.

This is terrible news.

Mmm, yes. I was quite upset myself.

I was with them at the time.

We were ambushed on the main road.

I managed to fight my way out.

- How brave. - Oh, it was nothing.

Now, Helga, today is the day those gestapo fellows

Flick and Von Smallhausen are due to go before the firing squad.

With the colonel and Gruber gone,

I will require your presence at the execution.

- Yes, general. - And, Helga,

I have told you about the colonel and the lieutenant

in the strictest of confidence.

Not a word of it must go any further.

Of course, general. My lips are sealed.

Good. Heil Hitler.

Heidi...

You won't believe what's happened

to the colonel and lieutenant Gruber.

This is a fine mess we've got into, Gruber.

What do we do now?

Please, colonel, do not use my real name.

Those rough communist resistance girls

may be listening at the door.

They must not know we are imposters or they will shoot us.

That is true, Adolf.

We must act our parts convincingly.

If we can fool them long enough,

we might find a way to escape.

I will do my best to act like the fuhrer.

I will be strong. I will be masterful.

Don't forget the mad glint in the eyes.

That's the one.

How dare you keep us here like this?!

It is an outrage!

The german troops will be searching the area for us!

Release us now

and we will show you mercy!

Silence, you mad interior decorator.

The fuhrer is silent.

You are now going to help us with our plan to end the war.

We will do nothing of the sort.

I'm head of the luftwaffe.

I do not cooperate with enemy terrorists.

Well, I could be flexible on that point.

As for you,

you will do everything we say

or I will turn you over to my trusty lieutenant here

and she will amuse herself with you.

I would enjoy that.

The fuhrer fears nothing a woman can do.

That is not entirely true.

Here is our plan:

We are going to put you on the radio;

you will announce that the war is over

and order all your troops to lay down their arms.

I think we can probably do that.

Any objections, Hermann?

None at all, Adolf.

I always thought we shouldn't have started it in the first place.

Do you prefer conditional or unconditional surrender?

- Unconditional of course. - Of course.

Why make waves?

We will come for you when it is time to make the broadcast.

Well, I think we showed them we weren't going to be pushed around.

- Didn't we, Adolf? - Absolutely, Hermann.

I have just agreed to end the war,

which will make Hitler very cross.

If they don't shoot us, he will.

I wonder if any of these medals contains a suicide pill.

Thank to your invaluable information, Rene,

officer Crabtree and I have devised a cunning plan

to snatch Hitler and Goering from the hated communist resistance.

Michelle, please.

I have just had that floor cleaned.

Oh, I am sorry, Rene.

I just cannot abide those obnoxious commies.

I also do not lick the kummies.

I hate them too.

A curse on them.

Will you stop it?! If you carry on like this,

I will have to ask Mimi to bring you a bucket each.

We will control ourselves, Rene.

Now listen. We must be the ones

to broadcast Hitler's surrender on the radio.

Then we will take power in the new france.

We will rule. We will control.

We will wipe out the bourgeois and create a new free france

in which people like me make all the decisions.

Remind me to emigrate.

Now here is the plan.

Listen very carefully, for I shall say this only once.

We will go to the barn and meet the communists.

Sorry.

We will pretend to discuss

the radio broadcast with them

while officer Crabtree blows a hole in the wall

with dynamite to reach Hitler and Goering.

The sticks of deenomote are in here

disgeesed as kindles.

That is a lot of dynamite.

It is not all deenomote. Some are real kindles.

When the dynamite explodes, we will overpower the communists

while others snatch Hitler and Goering,

who will be rendered unconscious with this chloroform.

We nood a vilintour

to accumpanie me to admonister the clearoform

to hotler and geering.

I will volunteer.

Oh no, Mimi. I want you inside the barn.

If it comes to a fight, we will need you there.

Well, I am not a young man,

and my ticker is a little dicky,

but I will accompany you, officer Crabtree.

- Always keen for action. - Ah, indeed I am, madame.

Ooh.

I will assign two of my best girls to help you.

Oh, good good.

And I will arrange with the resistance

to charge them for my time at the usual rate.

Now we must go. We will leave for the barn this afternoon.

- We will meet you there at 3:00. - 3:00.

By nightfall, Hitler and Goering will be ours.

And once and for all, we will wipe out the threat of the communist resistance.

Michelle promised they would not do that anymore.

Well, shall I fetch them back?

No, fetch a mop and bucket.

Curse those communists.

We will broadcast the end of the war

then bond our two resistance groups together

with a marriage between my lieutenant Louise

and Rene Artois.

You will do nothing of the kind.

- Rene is married to me. - We will settle this

in the true communist resistance way.

You will both fight for this man.

Oh, but comrade, it is quite clear they are not evenly matched.

In that case, this old moff

may nominate another to fight on her behalf.

Choose me, madame Edith.

I will chew her up and spit her out.

I nominate Mimi...

- With reluctance. - Oh, this is ridiculous.

We have come here to discuss a radio broadcast,

not to fight over some balding bartender.

You will pay for those words later.

Louise, Louise, calm yourself.

I do not want you to get hurt either.

What if you lose an ear or a nose?

You are right, Rene.

I will nominate someone else to fight for me too.

Well, bring them out. I will eat them up for breakfast.

I nominate Desiree.

Looks as if you will have dinner and lunch as well.

Let the fight begin.

Come on, Mimi!

This could be a long fight.

This is the spit, monsieur alfinse.

Hotler and geering should be on the other seed of this will.

Give me the deenomote.

Try to be quick. I do not like the look

of those two bulls on the other side of that field.

They are staring at us.

Stand still and fight, you coward.

- Do you give up yet? - Never.

I will wring your neck if ever I manage to reach it.

This is too easy, right?

There is only one way to settle this...

Fight dirty.

Can't you hurry?

Those bulls are looking very restive.

This is not deenomote.

I have bright the rule kindles by mistook.

Oh! Typical.

Without dynamite, how will we break down the wall

to reach Hitler and Goering?

I have an idoo.

What are you doing, monsieur?

I am drooping my truesers.

It would not look good for someone of my standing

to be found behind a barn with a man with his trousers down.

Leak.

I am wearing red knockers under my truesers.

Red knockers have been known to attract balls.

It is the killer that makes them mid.

Are you sure?

No, but it is worth a tree.

I will bind over

and the balls will become aroosed

and then charge towards me.

At the lost minute I will jimp aside

and the balls will smish through the wooden will.

Rather you than me, monsieur.

Stand by with the chloroform.

Our champion has defeated your champion.

We have demonstrated our superiority.

We now demand that you give us Hitler and Goering.

We will make the broadcast and take the credit for ending the war.

Never! We are in control now,

not you and your prissy, simpering little girls.

- What did you call us? - Prissy, simpering little girls.

Right. I have had enough.

Edith, stop it!

I want to be in to the death!

Oh, very well.

I am standing by, monsieur.

I have soaked this pad of cotton with chloroform

to knock out Hitler and Goering.

Can you see the two balls?

Rather clearly indeed.

And one of them is coming this way.

Oh, he is very big...

Everywhere.

Let me knee when he starts to chuge.

He is pawing the ground, monsieur.

And snorting.

He has noticed your red underwear.

His nostrils are steaming.

Oh my god, he is coming this way at full speed.

Monsieur alfinse?

What was that?

- What do you see? - Just a squashed policeman.

Now is our chance to escape.

There's a van up there on the road.

Let's hide in it.

Do you not think you should help?

I think it's more a spectator sport.

What hippined after I was trimpled on?

I am not sure, monsieur.

I was out cold when the bull arrived.

What about hotler and geering?

Well, they are not there. I have had a look.

Oh, come on. I'll get you back to the van.

Another all molty kick up.

Hitler and Goering, they have escaped!

Curse! We are undone!

Any offers?

What becoom of those resistance girls

who were sipissed to be helping us?

They ran off when the bull charged.

I cannot bloom them.

One has to admire the nerve

of those spanish ballfarters.

That's a sport I enjoy.

You are to be shot for stealing money

from the garrison pay truck.

Do you still deny the charge?

Yes, and I demand a fair trial.

Denied. You are allowed

one last request before you are blindfolded.

I need no blindfold.

But I would like a final kiss from private Helga geerhart.

- Permission general? - Very well.

Blindfold?

No, I'm watching for the postman.

Last request?

I would also like a final kiss from Helga.

Actually, it will be my first.

Request denied.

But you cannot deny me my last request.

It is my right.

Oh, very well. Give him one.

I should like to be blindfolded first.

Enough!

You missed me.

Hard cheese.

Ready!

General, there is a telegram for you from berlin.

I will read it later. Take aim!

Perhaps you should look at it, general.

Oh, very well. Read it to me.

It is from uncle heiny, Von Smallhausen.

We are saved.

"New jacket ready 14th this month.

Will send by special messenger.

Spare buttons in pocket."

It is from your tailor.

Excellent news. It's a rather natty houndstooth

with patch pockets.

Our hopes are dashed.

Ready! Take aim!

General, there is an urgent telegram for you from berlin.

Not another one! Can I not shoot a couple of fellows in peace?

Firing squad, take aim!

Stop!

I expect the trousers are ready too.

What the devil are you playing at, private geerhart?!

This telegram is from reichsfuhrer

heinrich himmler, herr general.

It is a pardon for the two prisoners.

Let me see.

I am ordered to release you and your assistant, herr Flick.

But your godfather says

"do not do it again, you naughty boy."

Good old uncle heiny.

You are very lucky fellows to have friends in high places.

Damned nepotism!

I've got a terrible cramp.

It's been hours. Where are we?

We are in the square, colonel.

In 15 minutes, we can be back in our quarters.

Are you mad, Gruber?

We can't walk around dressed as Hitler and Goering.

Those commies will be looking everywhere for us.

- Then what can we do? - We will go to Rene at the cafe.

We can telephone from there

and get Helga to bring us our proper uniforms.

What do you want now?

We want more olives.

And there is no salt on the crisps

there is a war on, you know.

That is all you are getting.

Oh. It is no fun coming down here anymore, fanny.

There's not even any music.

Why is Edith not singing tonight?

She is having a lie-down upstairs.

She is not feeling well.

Oh, well then we must take her

some of our stomach powders.

Ah.

And a drop of that brandy cordial.

That will make her feel better.

Do not bring the crisps into the bed.

They get up my nightie.

- Rene... - Yes?

I must speak to you immediately.

It will have to be quick, Yvette.

Good for the wind.

- What is it? - That Louise girl frightens me.

What if she forces you to marry her?

Calm yourself! I am not going to marry Louise!

I am more concerned about Hitler and Goering.

I was very worried when he gave me

that little wave when he took the salute.

I got the impression he fancied you.

So did I. It was not a good sign.

Someone is outside.

God, it is Hitler!

I am desperate, Rene. Let me in.

I am sorry, Adolf, go away.

I am already spoken for.

My god, he has found me.

He's climbing in the window.

- Are you sure you did not wave back? - Of course not.

Let me in, Rene. It is I, lieutenant Gruber.

Oh, that is a relief.

You must help us, Rene.

You too, colonel? But why are you dressed as Hitler and Goering?

It is a long story. We must use your telephone.

Yes.

It is the communist resistance!

They will shoot us.

Please hide us, Rene.

What will I do?

Crouch down behind the bar. Head for the back stairs.

Yvette, go and stand on the top of the bar and adjust your suspenders.

That will distract everything. Now go on.

Yes, I am coming.

I am coming.

Louise, maxine.

What are these for?

Our sniffer dogs.

They have picked up the scent at last.

Do they both have hernias?

No, but they are small.

They cannot walk far so we have to carry them.

They have picked up the scent of Hitler and Goering

outside in the ally. Have you seen them?

No no no, of course not. No no.

They must have simply just run past.

They will not get far. Come, Louise.

We will hunt them down mercilessly.

After them, caesar.

It will not be long before we catch them, Rene.

We are searching the whole village.

Anyone found giving them shelter,

we will slit their throats.

I love you.

Oh, this sex appeal.

Quick, in here.

Hitler and Goering!

Sieg heil! Sieg heil!

No, madame Edith.

It is only lieutenant Gruber and the colonel in disguise.

The communists are coming!

Quick... in the wardrobe.

Find your own hiding place.

Do not give us away, I beg you.

Mama, monsieur Leclerc, what are you doing here?

Ernest says you are unwell, Edith.

We have been to the attic to get our stomach powders.

And here is a brandy cordial.

Edith, am I imagining it

or is there someone else in your bed?

Mama, how could you even suggest such a thing?

Ah, is this a man?

I do not blame you, Edith.

Who is this secret lover?

It is Hitler!

My daughter is having it off with Hitler!

Keep your voice down.

And Goering is watching from the wardrobe.

- What shame! - Keep quiet.

The communist resistance could be back up here at any moment.

Madame fanny has fainted.

I am sorry, Rene. It was my fault.

I'll give her a brandy.

You must hide us until the communists give up the chase.

If they come up here and find you they will slit my throat.

Here, give me that brandy.

Are you going to give it to mama?

No, I am going to give it to myself.

I need it more than her.