Original subtitles

You would not believe how exciting things are getting here in Nouvion.

Yesterday we had a visit from none other

than the dreaded Hitler himself. Mmm!

And Goering, his sidekick.

They were inspecting the german troops in the town.

My small waitress Mimi, she volunteered

to crawl down a drain,

and plant a bomb under their car.

But as luck would have it, she accidentally

planted the bomb under the old car

that edith had just bought me for my birthday.

We were going to go for a spin

to relive the memories of our courting days,

but a big bang surprised us.

Fortunately, it was not a very powerful bomb

so we both emerged unhurt.

Well... well, almost.

Delayed shock has affected my wife's voice

and she is uncertain whether she will be able

to sing in the cafe for several days.

So, as they say,

every cloud does have a silver lining.

I have given madame fanny her lentil soup.

Ah, good.

Oh, Rene, at last I have a moment to talk to you alone.

- Oh, hold me. - Oh, Yvette.

Oh, Rene, my whole body

is trembling with different emotions.

- Can you not feel them? - Yes.

Even through my apron.

- Oh, Rene. - What?

If you'd have been killed in that explosion...

Our child would have been born fatherless.

Oh, calm yourself, Yvette. I was not hurt.

I just lost the seat of my trousers and...

Some small change.

I have spoken with the priest again about us marrying in secret,

and he was optimistic that permission would be given

whenever convenient.

Well, after the war is over would be convenient.

Oh, but that could be months away!

Our child must be born in wedlock,

otherwise think of the shame.

I am, but you must not hurry these things, Yvette.

It is most unsettling to be blown up on your birthday

when you are in your late 30s.

Oh, Rene.

Rene!

What are you doing with that servant girl in your arms?

You stupid woman!

Can you not see that this poor child

is still traumatized from yesterday's explosion?

Just go upstairs, Yvette, and lie down in the broom cupboard...

In the bedroom... in the bedroom

until you are feeling better.

- Thank you, Rene. - Oh, I am sorry, Rene.

I have not got over that bang.

The gear stick went through the brim of my hat.

God must have been watching over me.

Yes, how he knew it was you under that hat

will always be a mystery to me.

Oh, by the way, how is your voice?

I have been gargling with an herb tonic,

but I do not think I am up to singing in the cafe this evening.

- Oh. - Listen.

Stop!

Stop, you might lose it altogether.

You must not sing tonight, edith.

I do hope the customers will not mind.

Oh, I am sure they will find a way

to hide their disappointment.

Rene, Rene!

Michelle of the resistance wants to speak to you urgently.

Oh, heck, what now?

Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.

Hitler and Goering are still at the chateau.

We have placed explosives on the bridge over the river

on the main road out of town.

When Hitler and Goering drive over the bridge to return to berlin,

- my girls will blow them up. - Oh, what brains, michelle.

Where is the nitroglycerin I left here for safekeeping?

It is in a gin bottle behind the bar.

- I will get it. - Yes, go.

- It is not here. - Not there?

The gin bott... the nitro... the gin bottle is...

It is lucky we have enough explosives to blow the bridge over the river.

But it is open countryside, michelle.

Where will you hide to set them off?

Even as we speak, my girls are underwater in the river

breathing through straws with their hands on their plungers.

Will they not shrivel up?

They are taking it in turns.

Besides, my girls are the toughest resistance fighters in all of france.

They can withstand any hardship.

Oh, michelle! Michelle!

What is it, annette?

You are supposed to be submerged until further orders.

- I couldn't take it anymore. - What is the matter?

I have frogs in my knickers.

Oh my god, that is awful.

I thought your girls could withstand any hardship.

Even the toughest resistance fighter

would crack with frogs in her knickers.

I wouldn't. And I've had frogs in my knickers.

Annette, I will find a substitute for you.

And meanwhile, go home and extricate the frogs.

No no! One moment. I have a better idea.

Mimi, take annette into the kitchen

and remove the frogs from her.

How very thoughtful of you, Rene,

I shall rewrite tonight's menu.

I shall make the special...

Frogs' legs in butter and garlic.

I cannot drink this lentil soup.

It gives me terrible wind.

Did you get the gin, ernest?

I stole this from under the bar last night.

They will never notice it has gone.

We used to call that cocktail a volcano.

Too much gin and it could take the top right off your head.

I will give it a good shake, fanny.

There... like I used to when I was a handsome young barman

at madame courtesan's.

Then I could shake all right.

I think we had better take that lentil soup off the menu.

What worries me, colonel,

is we have not heard any more from the resistance

about their blackmail demand.

What if they send that incriminating photograph

of me holding the fallen madonna to the general without telling us?

Then we'll be even deeper in the doo-dah.

I wonder if we could somehow

contact the resistance and stall them.

But how?

Tell them we are still trying

to raise the 10 million francs ransom

and delay things until juan garcia arrives to take us to spain.

It's a straw, but let's clutch it.

How do we get in touch with the resistance?

There is Rene at the cafe.

Go and see him, gruber,

and give him a million francs

as a down payment for the resistance

to show them we're acting in good faith.

An excellent delaying tactic.

Colonel, I must speak to you urgently.

What is it, helga?

I have learned that herr flick and Von smallhausen

are still locked in the dungeons at the chateau.

Clearly the exploding knockwurst sausage

I gave them to aid their escape did not work.

It did, but instead of blowing out the bars of flick's cell,

it blew up the doubles of Hitler and Goering.

Which is why the colonel and I had to take their place for the salute.

Remember this?

That was you? I was too far away to recognize you.

But I must say I thought you looked very masterful in the fuhrer's uniform.

The fuhrer is always masterful!

I wanted to run across the square

and kiss you passionately.

That mustache is taking you over.

- Remove it. - Sorry.

Colonel, if we do not get herr flick out of the dungeon,

he will tell the general that we robbed the garrison pay truck.

God, I'd forgotten.

Helga, you...!

Helga, you must go and see herr flick.

Tell him that we are contacting his godfather heinrich himmler

to get him released.

I've already been to see him twice...

As a tart and a nun. What can I go as this time?

You'll think of something.

Oh, and, helga?

Don't take him any more explosives.

Gruber and I may be called to the chateau to play our roles.

We don't want to be blown up.

Especially by a knockwurst sausage!

Ah, good morning, lieutenant.

Good morning, Rene.

I wonder if I might have a private word with you.

Of course, lieutenant. Come to the bar.

Rene...

I will be very direct with you.

I have one million francs in my trousers.

I want you do do something for me.

I am rather busy at the moment, lieutenant.

Please, Rene, I only want you to do me a favor.

Must be a big one.

It is only a small one, I assure you.

I want you to contact the resistance for me.

But I do not know the resistance!

And I believe you, Rene.

But they have a compromising photograph of me

which they have threatened to send to the general

if I do not pay them a ransom of 10 million francs.

No! That is awful, lieutenant.

It is rather distressing.

Now if no one is looking, I will produce it for you.

No one is looking.

Now you take the one million francs

which I would like you somehow to give to the people

who you do not know in the resistance.

Tell them I am trying to raise the rest of the money

but I need more time... A few days at least.

I... I will do my best, lieutenant.

Thank you, Rene. I will be eternally grateful.

Oh, and remember...

If there is ever anything I can do for you in return

let me know.

I cannot think of anything at the moment.

- Rene? - Hmm?

- The soup is ready for you to taste. - Yes, I am coming.

Here, take this. It is half a million francs from lieutenant gruber.

Make sure that michelle gets it if she comes in.

It is the down payment on her ransom demand.

- Yvette! Yvette! - Yes, madame edith?

Mimi, give this quarter of a million francs from lieutenant gruber

to michelle when she comes in.

It is down payment on the ransom.

It would take years for an honest working girl to earn this.

Lucky I'm a tart.

- Go upstairs and see to the beds. - Yes, madame edith.

Mimi, you go up and help her.

Madame edith, here is 125,000 francs

for michelle from lieutenant gruber.

It is down payment on the ransom.

Ah, michelle, just the person.

Lieutenant gruber left this 62,500 francs for you

as down payment on the ransom.

62,500 francs?

Pin money! They will have to do better than that.

If anyone wants me, I shall be at the hairdressers.

Ah.

Back again, lieutenant. I have just been soup tasting.

So I see from your tie.

Rene, I have had second thoughts.

I cannot ask you to take the risk

of contacting the resistance for me.

I will try to deal with them myself

so I will take the one million francs back.

Well, I will try to get it for you, lieutenant.

Please take a seat.

Yvette!

- Yvette! - Yes, Rene?

Give me the half a million francs I just gave you.

- Oh, I only have quarter of a million. - What?!

I gave the rest to Mimi.

Mimi! I spread it around for safekeeping.

Where's the quarter of a million francs that Yvette just gave you?

- I only have half. - What?

I gave 125,000 francs to madame edith.

Oh god. Edith!

They do not know what it is for, so your secret is safe.

Where is the 125,000 francs that Mimi gave you?

I only have 62,500 francs.

I gave the other half to michelle.

Is everything all right, Rene?

Oh yes, lieutenant, everything is under control.

I have to give all the money back to lieutenant gruber. What are we going to do now?

We shall have to make it up out of the till.

What?

Nearly there, lieutenant. We're just getting the rest out of the safe.

- Is there a problem? - Rather an old combination.

Here we are, lieutenant...

One million francs exactly.

Thank you, Rene.

Um, cover me, would you?

Thank you, Rene.

I hope I haven't caused you too much trouble.

Not at all, no no.

That has just cost us 62,500 francs... can I trust no one in this place?

Is it not lucky I had that money down my stocking top?

Oh, Rene, where would you be without me?

Africa.

- Mutti? - Ernie?

Oh, mutti.

Ernie, my ernie.

Make the most of it,

for they are going to be shot in the morning.

Oh, mutti, I wanted you to be so proud of me when I grew up.

I will be.

Now... For a shock.

Oh!

Yes, it is I, helga.

Helga?! I wonder if I want to marry you after all.

If that is how you are going to look,

I will have to take a rain check.

We are trying to contact your uncle heiny to ask him

to use his influence to get you released.

We have not a minute to lose.

I will contact uncle heiny myself.

But how? You are in a cell.

This key is for my secret dungeon.

Go there immediately and you will find in the cupboard

a special gestapo homing pigeon

who answers to the name boris.

Bring him to me here and I will send a personal message

to uncle heiny. He will recognize my handwriting and act at once.

How will I get the pigeon in to you?

Smuggle him in at the bottom of a basket of fruit.

Boris is a trained bird, part of a crack gestapo unit.

He will not make any noise.

I will do as you say, herr flick.

But may I kiss you first?

Looking like that? You must be joking.

Senior gestapo officers do not kiss geriatric old crones.

Junior ones are not so fussy.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I have a massage from michelle.

We need to moke a more pifful bottery

to broadkist our prepagonda.

We need lid and asid for the new bottery.

- How are you going to get those? - Monsieur alfinse

has the asid and we are going to stool the lid

from the roof of the perrish chooch.

Chooch?

He means church.

Monsieur alfinse and I and your two wotresses

will go into the chooch disgeesed as ball ringers.

Ball ringers?

I think he means bell ringers.

Let us hope he does.

Yvette and Mimi will ring the balls...

While monsieur alfinse and I stool the lid.

The noise of the balls will disgeese

the sound of him bonging with his hammer.

When the balls bing, he will bong.

Why are you telling us this?

We need you and madame edith to be leekouts.

I am being a leekout for no one.

But you mist, ronnie.

Or would you and madame edith prefer

to be at the brodge, wetting under witter?

Oh no. No, we would not like that.

I might get frogs in my knickers.

- The shock could be fatal. - Yes!

There could be dead frogs from here to avignon.

What happens if someone comes along when we are lookouts?

Blee this special wassle to warn us.

It makes a nose like an eel in the moating season.

What?

A noise like an owl in the mating season.

Lossen.

Well, back to the drawing board.

General Von klinkerhoffen.

- Heil Hitler. - Heil Hitler.

Take these uniforms. You must once again

dress up as the fuhrer and field marshal Goering.

Oh, are we going to inspect the troops again, general?

No, today is the day the real doubles

were due to leave the area for berlin.

As they were blown up and are currently under my bed wrapped in blankets,

this will not be easy for them. You must take their places.

General, surely we don't have to go all the way to berlin?

Of course not!

I will disguise myself as your driver...

I can trust no one else.

Hitler and Goering must be seen leaving the chateau

so we cannot be implicated in this blunder!

We will drive to the other side of the bridge...

Which is outside my jurisdiction...

And the bodies, which we will have placed in the boot of the car,

will then be blown up.

This way, no blame can fall on us

for failing to protect our glorious leaders.

A particularly ingenious plan, general.

I know.

Report to the chateau at 8:00 this evening.

In a way I am sorry we are not going to berlin.

Just imagine it!

The whole city lining the streets,

shouting and waving

at their beloved leader!

And then into the bunker for a quick snog with eva.

You're right.

The danger does outweigh the excitement.

This basket of fruit was delivered for you.

Excellent. Helga has smuggled in boris the homing pigeon.

He will fly to uncle heiny in berlin with my message.

There was a pigeon too. We cooked it for you.

A tree appears to have fallen across the road. We will have to move it.

I don't like it, general.

- It could be an ambush. - Nonsense. There is nothing to worry about,

apart from which, I am a crack shot.

Unfortunately I can see nothing to shoot at...

So we'd better make a run for it.

Light the fuse on the explosives, gruber.

We must destroy the bodies in the boot at all costs.

Now let's get out of here!

On your feet, you nazi swine,

or I will shoot you where you are.

My god, it is Hitler and Goering in the flesh.

This is a glorious day for the communist resistance fighters.

Actually, I think we ought to point out

- that we are not really... - Silence!

If you had just been ordinary generals,

we would have shot you on the spot.

But you are too important to die...

Yet.

Move it!

After you, Hitler.

No, after you, Goering!

Are you ready to stand leekout, madame edith?

- Ronnie? - Yes, we are ready, officer Crabtree.

Have you the teels, monsieur alfinse?

I have my hammer and chisel for prying the lead off the church roof.

Then we will climb up to the balfry.

Follow moo.

I hope they get a move on. We will die of the cold out here.

Let me give you a hug, Rene.

That will keep us warm.

Aw, that is a very nice thought, edith.

But we are supposed to be keeping watch.

I will just blow on my hands instead.

- Good evening. - Whoa!

- Good evening, father. - Are you waiting for confession?

Uh, no. We have been visiting the grave of my dead brother.

Very well. Just a moment...

I recognize your voice. You are mr. X, are you not?

You came to see me in the confessional about a secret marriage?

Well, uh, many people sound like me.

It is you! I have a good ear for voices.

I have excellent news. I saw the bishop this afternoon.

He has given me permission to marry you.

Is this the woman you love, the brave resistance fighter?

Who else?

I understand you two are to be known only as "x."

Well, I am his ex,

since he is already officially dead.

Come inside, my brave ones, and I will marry you now.

Oh no. It really can wait.

Rene, you are a devil.

You have fixed up for us to be married in secret.

How wonderful.

I know I should have discussed this with you first, edith.

- Let us talk about it... - No, let us do it now.

After all this time,

with all the villagers thinking that we are living together

outside of marriage,

at last you are doing the decent thing.

Do not turn your back on the doorway of happiness.

Not forgetting funerals.

I think there has been a slight misunderstanding.

Oh, surely you were not thinking

of marrying somebody else in secret, were you?

What a thought!

Then let us seal the bond now.

- Well... - It will not take long.

Come inside.

Oh, Rene, I am so happy.

What luck that happen to be here tonight.

Oh, come.

Does not god move in mysterious ways?

He's not the only one.

I will give you a log up, monsieur alfinse.

I feel like the hinchbock of notre doom.

You can start ringing the balls now.

I will go first.

Here, let me help you.

- Mimi! - I am stuck.

Oh my god!

Why are you not ringing all the balls?

Mimi is stuck.

We must get her doon.

Let go, Mimi. I will citch you.

No, if she lets go of the rope it will be stuck up there

and we will not be able to ring all the bells.

I have a broon woove.

Hong on, I will pill you.

Whoa!

Oh, my knickers are falling down.

This is a special short ceremony

for use in wartime.

The bishop has agreed that we can dispense

with the neutral witnesses and that your names can be kept secret

because of your work for the resistance.

- Are you ready? - Oh yes, father.

I suppose so.

Do you, miss x, take this, mr. X,

to be your lawful wedded husband,

through danger and adversity,

through poverty and pillage,

through the risks of fighting alone and unknown

until certain death do you part?

Say "I do."

I'd forgotten how brave I was.

I do.

Do you, mr. X...

Say "I do."

Rene, what has happened?

Quick, say I do so we are married.

It is too late, edith. It would not be legal.

He is supposed to hear the I do's.

We can't go against the divine laws of the church.

He is out for the count.

Should I try the kiss of life?

He's a priest. He's not allowed.

You know, you were right, edith.

God does move in mysterious ways.