Original subtitles

You'll find me being examined by our local g.P., dr. Leconte,

because my nerves are all shot to pieces

following the recent cock-up in our fight against the germans.

Whoo, that is cold!

I can speak in front of dr. Leconte

because he is a long-serving member of the resistance...

But for how much longer, I do not know.

Yes, needless to say,

the most recent plan

to set up a secret mobile resistance radio station

in a coffin on the back of monsieur Alfonse's hearse went wrong.

The horse bolted

and the radio station was last seen disappearing

due south at a huge canter.

So this could be my last birthday.

You have the lungs of a man of 30, but the body,

it is knackered.

Surely you can do something.

You are very rundown.

But I will give you these pills to pep you up.

You keep them, doctor. You need them more than I do.

Oh, Rene,

it is not bad news, is it?

No, the doctor said I am just rundown.

You should try to relax a bit more.

Relax? How can I relax when a message to me

from general de gaulle has been transmitted throughout

all of the district from an hearse?

- I am a nervous wreck. - Oh, do not worry, Rene.

Michelle of the resistance will find the hearse.

Monsieur Alfonse needs it today.

And I will be needing it tomorrow if the germans have heard that broadcast.

And I need to get back to my practice.

Oh, dr. Leconte, while you are here,

could you give mama a quick checkup?

- I will show you upstairs. - Of course.

Happy birthday, Rene.

Rene: Oh, Mimi.

I have brought you a present.

Thank you, Mimi. I wonder what it is.

Oh...

It is a hot-water bottle.

Oh, look at this.

I knitted the cover myself.

Think of me every time you fill it up

and screw in the stopper.

I promise.

Oh, Rene!

- I have found you alone at last. - Yes.

Hold me.

What is it that I feel between us?

It is my birthday present to you.

It is to help you find your way to the broom cupboard

in the middle of the night.

As soon as you start flashing, I will find you.

You think of everything.

- Oh, Rene... - Yes.

I must talk to you. It is about our baby.

I do not want it to be born fatherless.

When are we going to be married?

Keep your voice down. We cannot hurry these things, Yvette.

We could be married in secret.

Oh, let us go to the priest later and ask him.

No, I will take a lot of persuading to go to see a priest.

Rene, if you do not come I will tell the whole village

you are the father of my child.

- I am persuaded. - Oh, Rene,

I knew you would.

Rene!

What are you doing with that servant girl in your arms?

You stupid woman,

can you not see this poor child is unwell

because of her pregnancy and the impossible strain of not knowing

who the father is?

Yes yes, you go and lie down, Yvette.

We will ask dr. Leconte to give you something when he comes down.

Oh, thank you, Rene.

Oh, I am sorry, Rene.

I did not realize Yvette was ill.

We are all a bit under the weather at the moment.

Well, never mind, Rene. You will perk up later.

I have a special birthday surprise for you.

You are not pregnant as well, are you?

No, but I have something which will take you back to your youth.

You have not bought me a toupee, I hope.

No, but I have something that will help us recapture the joys

of our courting days.

Oh, it is hard to remember

that once you were a strapping lad of 20

and I was a girlish sweet 16 in full bloom.

And now we are both overgrown

with the weeds of time.

Hold me.

Kiss me like you used to.

Let us turn back the clock.

I will have to do a lot of winding up first.

- Rene! Rene! - Yes.

For once, you will be glad to see me.

You do not know how right you are, Michelle.

We have found monsieur Alfonse's hearse

and the radio transmitter in the coffin. Everything is all right.

But it has been broadcasting a message to me

from general de gaulle. If the germans hear that, I will be shot.

They heard nothing.

My girls have been monitoring the airwaves.

We will have to make a more powerful battery.

The one in the coffin was too weak to transmit the recording.

Oh, thank god for that.

Oh, Rene, you are in the clear.

I think perhaps you spoke too soon, Edith.

Good moaning.

What shall we de with the kiffin?

You cannot bring that in here.

Rene, we have to hide the radio transmitter.

We thought we could put it in your cellar.

No, it's out of the question.

The germans sometimes go in my cellar looking for wine.

Well, what about the attic? They do not go there.

Oh, very well. But get it up there quickly.

I cannot have a coffin in my cafe.

People will think the food has gone off.

A fine birthday this is turning out to be.

- Oh, Rene, is it your birthday? - Yeah.

How old are you?

I lose track. Every time you come around

I age 10 years.

Is there anything the matter with me?

Oh, you are doing remarkably well

for a lady of 94, madame fanny.

I am only 87.

You are still doing well.

Let us hope you can keep it up.

Did someone call?

Go back to sleep, ernest.

Well, whatever the results,

I do wish to know as soon as possible.

Naturally.

Bye.

I demand a second opinion.

Get out, get out!

Shut up, you old bat.

What is the matter, fanny?

Oh, look,

they are going to put me in a box.

Say something, ernest.

What sort of flowers would you like?

Mama, calm yourself.

The coffin is not for you.

Not yet anyway.

We will come back and retrieve it

when we have made a more powerful battery.

The secret radio station will be back on the air

within a very short time with luck

and good management.

But mostly luck.

Monsieur Alfonse, have you got Rene's birthday present yet?

Oh, I will deliver it this afternoon, madame Edith.

- You still want it? - Oh, yes.

We have always wanted a car.

Mama said she would use her savings to get us one years ago,

but has only now got around to it.

She thinks it is just for me,

but Rene will be so thrilled.

What is going on?

Monsieur Alfonse and I were preparing a surprise for Rene.

Oh, Rene, splendid.

And make sure you bury him

good and deep.

- Heil Hitler. - Heil Hitler.

Colonel, there's been a major lapse of security.

The garrison pay truck has been robbed by none other than the gestapo.

No! Can we trust no one?

Fortunately, I apprehended the miscreants at the scene of the crime.

They are currently in the chateau dungeons.

Will they be put on trial?

No, they will be shot.

I want security measures tightened throughout the district.

It's particularly important today,

as the fuhrer and field marshal Goering

are visiting our coastal defenses

to boost the morale of the troops.

They will be arriving here shortly.

The fuhrer and field marshal Goering...

Arriving here shortly.

Is there an echo in this room?

Actually, between ourselves,

it's not really Hitler and Goering.

They are doubles, but they just look like them.

The real Hitler and Goering would not dare to come here.

In case they were assassinated by the resistance?

In case they were assassinated by the germans.

I'm entertaining them to lunch in my quarters.

You and Gruber are invited, colonel. 1:00 on the dot.

Your last request is here.

Did I make a last request?

It is I, helga.

What are you doing here?

To gain entry I said you asked for a woman of easy virtue

to share your last hours.

Did I ask for a woman of easy virtue too?

- Silence, Von Smallhausen. - Perhaps I could share helga.

Take your ball and stand in your corner.

I had to see you one last time, herr Flick.

To have a final kiss before you are shot.

I am the godson of heinrich himmler. They cannot shoot me.

What was that?

The firing squad are doing target practice, herr Flick.

Helga, I know all about the robbery of the garrison pay truck.

If you do not get us out of here, I will tell the general

that it was the colonel and lieutenant Gruber

who really stole the money.

- And you will be implicated too. - You wouldn't.

He would.

Very well, you leave me no choice.

But may I kiss you anyway?

Of course. Avert your eyes, Von Smallhausen.

Your kiss gives me strength, herr Flick.

I will speak to the colonel about breaking you out of here.

Good.

Make it quick, helga. The firing squad are getting better.

They hit the wall that time.

Oh, Rene, I thought you were not coming.

I cannot stay long, Yvette.

Let us get this over with.

Quickly before anyone sees us.

What can I do for you?

Father, we have come to confess that we wish to be married.

But that is not a sin, my child.

You have not heard the rest of it.

Priest: There is more?

I am with child.

Oh yes, that does make a difference.

It will not prevent us marrying, will it?

I should think it makes it imperative.

Did you lead this man on in any way?

Perhaps a little bit.

A little bit? You were very encouraging.

But you should not have succumbed, my son.

You should have told the demon lust to get behind you.

There was no room.

We were in the broom cupboard.

What is your name, child?

Yvette: I cannot say. We wish this to be a secret marriage.

- And you, my son? - I wish to remain anonymous too.

I am officially dead.

It will be very difficult marrying an unknown woman

to a man who is officially dead.

Could you not put me down as miss x

and him as mr. X?

And we will keep the name of the child also a secret.

Why?

I am not going to call my child "why."

No no, I mean why should there be all this mystery?

It has to be a secret, father.

You see, we are both heavily involved in the resistance.

Ah, the resistance. That is a different matter.

I may be able to help you.

Are you sure you truly love each other?

Oh yes, father.

Have you known other men?

Four or five.

- In your life? - No, a week.

But I do it to support my poor mother.

Very well. I will try to arrange a secret marriage.

But it is very unusual, so I must consult with the bishop first.

- Oh, thank you, father. - Come back and see me in a week.

In the meantime, you must both say 50 hail marys

as a penance for your sins.

- Yes, father. - Come on.

Oh, Rene, only 50 hail marys

and soon we are going to be married.

Do you not think we got off lightly?

I think that depends on how you look at it, Yvette.

Good moaning.

Not you again. What do you want now?

I have a massage from Michelle.

Lusten very carefully.

I shall soo this only wence.

Michelle has discovered that hotler and geering

are coming this afternoon to the chiteau.

What is this lunatic on about?

He says Hitler and Goering are coming to the chateau.

- No! - Yes.

Michelle has a plin to assausinate them.

I have a clockwork bum

in my trousers.

Your personal problems are no concern of ours.

He means a clockwork bomb.

What?

Do not weary. It is quite sofe.

We will attich it to hotler's car

and blee him to smotheroons.

Get that thing out of here. Are you mad?

We are licking for viluntours.

Hinds up if you want to have a goo.

We do not want to have a goo.

It is a suicidal plan, officer Crabtree.

You will never find anyone stupid enough to carry it out.

I will do it.

There is always one.

I will sacrifice myself

to strike a daring blow for the resistance.

I am a true daughter of france...

Brave as a lioness, bold as a wolf.

Daft as a brush.

Now you know what to do, helga?

Yes, colonel. I go to the chateau dungeons on the pretext

of hearing herr Flick's confession and giving him this food.

I then give him this stick of dynamite,

disguised as a knockwurst sausage

to enable him to blow the bars off his cell and escape.

I must say it pains me deeply

to help that man in this way.

Now we must go. The fuhrer is expecting us to lunch.

My little tank is outside.

Any chance of a lift?

I'm afraid not, helga.

It is against regulations

to give lifts to hitchhiking nuns.

Male chauvinist pig.

Oops.

I'm sorry we're late, general.

The security around the chateau is unbelievable.

'Tis necessary to protect our visitors.

Even though they are only doubles,

everyone must believe they're the real thing.

Who exactly are they, general?

Oh...

Hitler is a corporal in the catering corps.

Goering is a clerk in the ministry of defense.

They are having a wash after their journey.

The fuhrer and field marshal Goering.

Heil Hitler.

All: Heil Hitler.

These are my two senior officers... colonel Von strohm

- and lieutenant Gruber. - Mein fuhrer.

- Pardon. - You will address me at all times as mein fuhrer.

- And do not forget it. - But surely...

We will ask the questions.

We are empowered by the fuhrer himself

to give orders to officers of any rank.

Otherwise, we would not be believable as doubles.

I'm sorry, mein fuhrer.

Already, I am far from impressed with your garrison, general.

These two officers look distinctly sloppy to me.

And you are not much better!

You had all better pull yourselves together

or berlin will hear about it!

- Yes, mein fuhrer. - Yes, mein fuhrer.

Champagne, Hermann?

Lead me to it, adolf.

Who does that jumped-up little corporal think he is? Hitler?

Good day, sister.

I have brought some food for the two condemned prisoners

in the dungeons.

I will have to search your basket.

- Maria. - Not now, hansel.

I can't stay.

Cook will kill me

if I don't get these provisions to the kitchen.

Oh, just a quick kiss.

Later. I'm off at 6:00.

I'll meet you in the square.

You promise?

All that seems to be in order, sister.

Do you know your way to the dungeons?

I have visited prisoners here before.

Down the steps, turn left at the bottom

and just follow the rats.

I thought we would inspect the troops at 3:00, mein fuhrer.

We will inspect them when we are ready, and not before.

Of course, mein fuhrer.

I want lunch first.

Have some food sent up.

Immediately, general.

Gruber, phone the kitchens

for some food for mein field marshal.

This is the general's quarters.

Could you send up lunch for five at once?

Yes, is there anything

you particularly fancy, mein fuhrer?

Yes, knockwurst sausages.

- And plenty of them. - Good idea, adolf.

I fancy a good blowout.

I will give the prisoners this food and then take their confessions.

The last woman was a woman of easy virtue.

They probably have a lot to confess.

I've come to get you out, herr Flick.

This knockwurst sausage is really a stick of dynamite.

Tie it to the bars, light the string at one end

and it will blow out the wall.

You have done well, helga. I will reward you for this.

Will you allow me to kiss you again, herr Flick?

I do not have time.

I do.

Silence, Von Smallhausen.

But when we have escaped, helga, come to my dungeon

- and we will see. - Yes, herr Flick.

Only do not come dressed as a nun.

I much prefer you as a woman of easy virtue.

That's what they all say, herr Flick.

Here are some matches for the dynamite.

- Rope. - You are full of surprises.

This one surprised me the most.

We will leave you alone for a time now.

We must go and organize the march past of troops, mein fuhrer.

I fancy a little piece of cheese.

General, our spare uniforms

are in that case.

See they are pressed before we leave.

Yes, mein fuhrer.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Dismissed.

The nerve of the man.

I can't wait to see the back of those two.

I think your wish has come true, general.

Oh my god. It must be the resistance.

No one must know about this.

Well, it will not be easy to keep secret, general.

But if the real fuhrer finds out

he will think we were involved in some plot to blow him up.

But what can we do, general?

You've got two bodies in your quarters.

We will dispose of them later.

More importantly for now, Hitler and Goering must be seen

to leave the chateau and the town.

We must not be implicated in these deaths.

But how can they be seen to leave the town if they are dead?

There is only one solution. I think the uniforms will fit.

Mimi, did you manage to put the bomb under Hitler's car?

The chateau was too heavily guarded.

I could not get near it.

Damn, where is the bomb now?

It is strapped to my leg.

- Be careful, Mimi. - I am walking very gingerly.

It is them... Hitler and Goering.

They have come to inspect their troops.

Let me see.

There are too many soldiers. Let us go outside and watch.

Back inside, peasant. No one's allowed in the square.

Now is your chance, Mimi.

I will go down the drain in the back garden,

crawl along the sewer, come up underneath Hitler's car

and plant the bomb.

You are a true heroine of the resistance, Mimi. Good luck.

How brave Mimi is.

She will have to move faster than that

or they will have gone by the time she gets there.

We will take the salute now.

If only I had a rifle,

I could end the war here and now.

Do not have any ideas, Michelle.

- It is all up to Mimi now. - Yeah.

Oh look, there's Rene looking out of the window.

I'll give him a little treat.

My god, did you see that?

Hitler just gave me a little wave.

That is all I need, to be fancied by Hitler.

Drive on!

I thought a bomb was supposed to blow him up.

Mimi might still have got through.

The bomb is on a timer.

Yvette, go and see if you can find her.

All right.

Oh, monsieur Alfonse.

What were you doing in our back passage?

I had to run through the back streets to get here.

I have the car, madame. And here are the keys.

Oh, thank you, monsieur Alfonse.

I do it out of love for you.

I'll have the money now.

Where is the car?

I've left it in the square before the soldiers there

cordoned it off.

Oh, Rene,

mama and I bought a special surprise for you.

We have bought monsieur Alfonse's car for your birthday.

A car!

Oh, Edith!

I do not know what to say!

It will help us remember our courting days.

We could go for a spin in the country like we used to.

We only had a horse and cart then.

This will be much better.

Come outside and see.

- Oh-oh! - Close your eyes.

Now open your eyes.

Is it not a magnificent motor?

For me? Oh, Edith.

I shall call for the cash later.

- Madame. - You can drive.

Edith.

Mimi, are you all right? What happened?

I did it. I planted the bomb.

The car was directly over the drain.

Well done. Let us have a drink to celebrate.

Where shall we go?

Down by the river.

Do you remember that time we went there

and lay on the grass under the willow tree?

Oh, let us try and recapture the memory of what happened that day.

Have you anything to say, Edith?

Happy birthday, Rene.