Original subtitles

You may wonder what I am doing

driving along in a van

dressed as a female flamenco dancer

with boot polish all over my face,

there is, of course,

a perfectly simple explanation for this.

The resistance have decided to set up

a secret radio station to undermine the germans

using wax cylinders to prerecord the programs.

The wax cylinders were dropped by parachute by the british,

but unfortunately landed down the chimney of the chateau.

We had to take the place of a touring spanish flamenco troupe,

who were due to perform at the chateau,

to get in and to recover the cylinders.

Oh, excuse me a moment.

Ahem... oh.

I have here...

One of the cylinders.

Where else could I hide it? Hmm?

Well done, Rene.

The germans did not suspect for a moment

we were not real flamenco dancers.

Do you have the wax cylinders?

Yes, here it is.

I had it down my cleavage.

It is still warm. Where is the other cylinder?

Mimi has it down the front of her dress.

Mimi?

Yes, Rene.

Give Michelle your cylinder before it melts.

It is lucky it did not catch fire.

Ah.

Oh, what a night.

Did we not perform well, Michelle?

You were a regular trouper, madame Edith.

I shall never forget the way you sang and danced.

I do not think the germans will either.

In the chateau,

lieutenant Gruber gave me this photograph

- and a small piece of canvas... - Oh?

I think under the misapprehension

that I was the real Juan Garcia.

What do you think?

It is lieutenant Gruber

holding the portrait of the fallen madonna

with the big boobies by van clomp.

- No! - Yes!

But that has been missing for two years.

What is lieutenant Gruber doing with it?

It cannot be the same painting.

But it is, Rene. Here, have a look!

Monsieur, watch out for the mailman!

Oh!

Oh, thank god, Rene.

He missed you.

Oh, I do not think the...

The lamppost had the same luck.

- Good morning, colonel. - Good morning, helga.

Did you enjoy the flamenco evening?

Personally, I thought the singing was appalling,

as was the dancing.

I thought some of the spanish were rather pretty.

Although, with the veils, one could only see their eyes.

Fortunately, I was able to give the photograph

of the painting to Juan Garcia,

and he will take it to the art expert in Seville to value it.

That is when you will have to give us back the booby

you cut out of the painting, helga.

I cannot sell it with a hole

in such a, well, prominent place.

You will get your hand on my booby

when I am assured of getting a cut of the proceeds,

and not before.

Helga, I wish you would not meddle.

You should leave things like this to the men.

Who the devil is this?

- I am Juan. - "One" what?

Juan Garcia,

the most famous flamenco guitarist in all of spain.

I have come for the photograph to take to Seville.

But I gave it to you last night at the chateau.

I was not there.

My flamenco troupe and I had too much to drink.

We have only just woken up.

Then who were the dancers at the chateau?

Are you sure it wasn't you?

Of course I'm sure.

Did they dance like this?

I'm sure I would have remembered if they had.

Now that I look more closely, colonel,

this is definitely not the man I gave the photograph to.

Gruber, you idiot.

Well, how was I to know he was not the real Juan... one?

If it falls into the wrong hands,

we will be in deep trouble.

This is what comes of leaving things to the men.

Rene.

I must talk with you urgently.

What is it now, Michelle?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once.

I will bring the edison recording machine here this afternoon,

and we will prerecord the broadcast for the secret radio station.

I am still worried about that, Michelle.

The germans are bound to track it down.

I told you before, we will move it around the countryside.

- How? - The machine will be hidden

in monsieur Alfonse's hearse.

He will drive around transmitting our programs

and the germans will suspect nothing.

That is very ingenious, Michelle.

Oh, I wish I had your brains.

Not to mention the rest of her.

This photograph clearly shows

that the colonel and lieutenant have somehow obtained

the painting of the fallen madonna.

But why give the photograph to monsieur Alfonse?

Because they thought he was Juan Garcia.

We will send a ransom note to the germans

saying we will post this photograph to the general

unless they pay us 10 million francs.

How ruthless we are!

And now I must go and prepare for the radio recording.

Hey, what are you doing?

Well, these are for gargling. I need to lubricate my tonsils

for the broadcast.

She must have very big tonsils.

Doctor leconte said she had the biggest pair he had ever seen.

So much for the hippocratic oath.

The burning question is,

who has the incriminating photo?

It can only have been the resistance, colonel.

No doubt we shall hear from them soon

in some secret, subtle way.

Sooner than you expected.

And not so subtle.

A ransom note from the resistance.

They demand 10 million francs

or they will send the photograph to general Von Klinkerhoffen.

This is outrageous.

Don't they know we never give in to blackmail?

But if we do not, colonel, we will all be in it up to our necks.

You will, you mean. I'm not in the photo.

But if I were under pressure...

You wouldn't.

Well, I would hold out

until someone lit a cigarette,

but if they blew the smoke in my face and gave a sinister laugh,

I could go to pieces.

We cannot possibly raise 10 million francs.

There is one possibility, colonel.

The garrison pay truck is making

its monthly run this afternoon.

We could ambush it and steal the money.

We could disguise ourselves as members of the resistance

to avoid being recognized and hold the driver up at gunpoint.

We can't hold up a truck, just the three of us.

We have a storeroom full of rubber dummies

we were going to drop to confuse the british when we invaded.

We could dress them up as resistance members

to create the impression of a large ambush.

- I don't like it. - Would you prefer a firing squad?

I'm weakening.

We will do it. Gruber, you get the dummies,

and you, helga, get the costumes.

What will you be doing, colonel?

Staying here and writing out my last will and testament.

The preparations for my intimate lunch with helga

are almost complete.

When she arrives, Von Smallhausen,

you will give her this glass of wine,

with contains a special gestapo truth serum

extracted from the female peruvian inflating marsh frog,

which blows itself up at the height of the mating season

to attract a partner.

Yes, herr Flick.

Under its influence,

helga will reveal to us the whereabouts

of the painting of the fallen madonna

which she stole from us.

The omelet is coming along very well, herr Flick.

Rising. Rising very quickly, herr Flick.

Herr Flick, herr Flick, it's going out...

It's going out of control! Herr Flick!

You will reverse the process if you beat it with a spoon.

Oh.

You know how to cope with every emergency, herr Flick.

Of course.

Cooie!

- I hope I'm not late. - Perfect timing.

Von smallhausen, a glass of wine for helga.

Please sit.

Drink deeply, my dear.

You are forbidden to see another peter lorre film for one month.

Now perhaps you might tell me

why you invited me here, herr Flick.

Certainly.

You have just drunk a very powerful truth serum

which will take effect in a matter of seconds.

You will go into a trance

and tell me anything I wish to know.

Do not be ridiculous, herr Flick, there is no such...

Excellent.

Are you receiving me?

I am yours to command.

Give us a kiss.

Silence, Von Smallhausen. You will take notes.

Now, helga, where is the painting of the fallen madonna?

After I stole it from you, herr Flick,

I gave it to the colonel and lieutenant Gruber

who are sending a photograph of it to spain

to be valued by an art expert with a view to selling it.

She's going too fast for me, herr Flick.

Shut up and keep writing.

However, the photograph has fallen into the hands of the resistance

who are blackmailing the colonel and lieutenant Gruber for 10 million francs.

They cannot raise the money so they intend to disguise themselves

as resistance girls and rob the garrison pay truck this afternoon.

Did you get all that, Von Smallhausen?

I have no more lead in my pencil.

I am relieved to hear it as you have been pursuing me

for some time against my wishes.

As a result of this information,

we will also disguise ourselves as resistance members

and catch them red-handed.

That is brilliant, herr Flick!

As always.

Now, helga, you will come out of your trance

and remember nothing of this conversation.

Yes, herr Flick.

There may, however, be side effects.

The serum of the inflating marsh frog

is not absolutely foolproof.

When will these side effects begin?

Quick, Von Smallhausen, the spoon.

Please plug in the edison recording machine.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I hope I am in tune for the secret recooding soshon.

We are just about to begin.

But first, a special message from general de gaulle

for you, Rene.

René artois,

your brave deeds for the resistance

will be remembered by all france.

You deserve a medal,

and as soon as I am able,

I will personally kiss your cheek

and give you a...

And give you a... and give you a...

- and give you a... - Oh, the needle has stuck.

Never mind, I got the general idea.

Do you think he will give me one too?

I am sure if he is busy, one of the other generals will.

Edith!

What is going on?

Why have we been dragged out of bed like this?

Michelle asked us to bring you both down.

Everyone has a part to play in the recording.

What are these?

These are the scripts for the recording.

We will rehearse them first.

I will get out my teels of the trode.

What is all that for?

I am being the sind effox for the rodeo broadkist.

We will take it from the top.

"This is radio free france, calling on all frenchmen and women

to revolt against the nazi oppressors."

"I am a fighter for the resistance,

fearless and stro"...

"and strong.

I am galloping around the countryside

to gather support."

"How swiftly he rides."

"I stop outside the house of a peasant."

"I knock them up."

Oh, is this my turn?

Not yet, no no no.

"The door opens."

Twice.

"Hello, I am a peasant."

- Now it is your turn, madame fanny. - What?

It is your line next in the script.

- Oh, where? - Here.

Oh.

No no no, I cannot read without my glasses.

Could we not just water the horse while we wait?

This is only a rehearsal.

We will go on to the second page.

This is you, Rene.

Oh. Oh there...

Ahem.

"I am nighthawk, the hero of the resistance.

I am here in my secret headquarters,

planning to overthrow the germans.

I call upon all true frenchmen

to rise up behind me."

"I am mrs. Nighthawk, and I second that."

"I pour two glasses of wine with a steady hand."

I said a glass, not a pint jug.

We are not alcoholics, you know.

Sirry, ronnie, I got carried awoo.

Continue.

"Guess what mrs. Nighthawk and I are doing now."

Not yet, you idiot.

"We are pouring more glasses for the brave team

of resistance fighters, whose faces, strong and eager,

stretch away into the darkness beyond the candlelight."

I've run out of ween.

Oh, never mind, continue.

"We are loyal peasant girls.

- Brigitte." - "Charlotte."

- "Collete." - "Norma."

"And nadine."

"And we offer our services freely to our leader, nighthawk."

"We will do anything he asks.

Isn't that so, brigitte, charlotte, collete,

norma, nadine, jacqueline, genevieve, angelle?"

"Yes yes yes!"

And now we will sing the song.

Monsieur Alfonse, we will attempt a trial recording for volume.

As you wish.

It is ready.

The song is on the last page.

Monsieur Leclerc, the music.

Ah.

- Everyone ready? - Mm-hmm.

♪ We are resistance fighters ♪

♪ happy girls and boys ♪

♪ we will fight the german soldiers ♪

♪ throwing stones and great big boulders ♪

♪ we are resistance fighters ♪

♪ sign up with us soon ♪

♪ and hear us on the radio ♪

♪ each wednesday afternoon. ♪

Yes, well, something like that.

Now play it back, monsieur Alfonse,

so we can see if it works.

Michelle, do you not think somebody is bound to recognize our voices?

Do not worry. The edison recording machine

is designed for AC/DC Electric current.

Over here, the playback will be distorted

by our DC. Current.

♪ We are resistance fighters, happy girls and boys ♪

♪ we will fight the german soldiers ♪

♪ throwing stones and great big boulders ♪

♪ we are resistance fighters, sign up with us soon... ♪

Well, we certainly sound more "AC" Than "DC"

Put it up on there.

Ah. That's better.

All right, that should do the trick.

Hmm. Now...

The pay truck will turn off here

and drive down this dead end

where we will ambush it.

You've thought of everything.

Yes, I have, haven't I?

Now let's go and help Gruber with the blow-up dummies.

What on earth is Gruber doing?

I cannot think, colonel.

Gruber?

Ah. Colonel, the dummies are all in place.

I think one of them has a slow leak.

I was just topping it up.

They are not very good quality.

The rubber must have perished in the storeroom.

Is the diversion sign in place, colonel?

Just as planned.

The pay truck will be here any minute.

Come on, helga, we must conceal the motorcycle behind the trees.

Let us hope the pay truck arrives

before we run out of dummies.

I do not see any "diversion" sign, herr Flick.

It must be that fork at the next junction.

Limp rapidly after me, Von Smallhausen.

I hear something... an engine.

It must be the pay truck.

Now remember, we're supposed to be in the resistance.

We must act like ruthless desperados.

I will do my best.

Don't forget... the french accent.

Good afternoon.

We are sorry to bother you,

but would you mind stepping out for a moment?

We are ambushing them,

not inviting them to tea.

This is an order! Out of the truck! Step on it!

You are completely surrounded by the finest markswomen in the resistance.

Move!

Give us your guns and open the doors.

Get the box with the money.

You two get in the back.

One squeak out of you

and we will spray you with the bullets.

- Come along, Gruber. - Faster.

Come on, quick.

I hope they will be all right.

To the motorcycle.

- Ooh! - Hurry!

I could get quite a taste for a life of crime.

Hopefully I'm not going to make a habit of it.

This suspender belt is killing me.

This is it, Von Smallhausen.

The ambush place must be just down here.

We will creep up on the colonel

and lieutenant Gruber

and arrest them as they attempt to rob the truck.

- I'm squashed. - Don't be such a sissy, Gruber.

What about the blow-up dummies?

We will have to leave them behind.

Now...

Drive carefully, helga.

I don't wish to fall off.

Ah. There is the pay truck, Von Smallhausen.

We are not too late after all.

The road is blocked, general.

Then follow the diversion then.

There is no one in it, herr Flick.

Just an ambush... With dummies.

And the doors are still locked.

What does it all mean, herr Flick?

I see it all.

Clearly the colonel and lieutenant Gruber

attempted to hold up the truck,

the guards repelled them and chased them away

- through the woods. - So the money is still in the truck?

Of course.

We will drive it back to our headquarters,

break open the doors

and appropriate the money for our own uses.

Oh, what a genius you are, herr Flick.

That goes without saying.

I will drive, Von Smallhausen.

You cannot reach the pedals.

What is going on here?

It looks like the garrison pay truck.

Herr Flick, what are you doing here in this pay truck?

And why are rubber invasion dummies dressed in those ridiculous clothes?

All part of an armed robbery which we foiled.

We are driving this truck back to our headquarters

to fingerprint it and look for clues.

Why are you dressed as members of the resistance?

And where are the security guards from this pay truck?

They're off chasing the robbers, herr general.

What is that noise?

It is coming from inside the back of the truck.

Stand back!

What has happened here? Where is the strongbox?

We were held up by the resistance, general!

They were dressed just like those two beside you.

- We are innocent. - Especially me.

I am only a very junior gestapo officer.

You expect me to believe this nonsense

about foiling a robbery?

It is too much of a coincidence...

You dressed as resistance terrorists,

the guards locked in, the money gone.

Arrest them, and take them to the chateau for questioning.

You are making a big mistake, general.

Not as big as the one you've just made, herr Flick.

Arrest that dummy as well for insubordination.

Edith! Edith!

Oh, I need food.

Oh, will no one hear

the cries of an old woman?

See if there is some cheese left in the trap.

No cheese, just a mouse.

Edith! Edith!

It is all set up.

The edison recording machine is hidden in the coffin.

It is powered by the battery from your old ice cream van, monsieur.

My whip at the front

forms an aerial to transmit the broadcast.

Let us hope the germans do not decide to search the hearse.

It is a risk we must take.

Well, the radio will be transmitting

while I go about my business.

It is on.

Go slowly, it is delicate equipment.

I always go slowly.

I am an undertaker.

Oh, they are all out in the square.

Oh, no wonder they cannot hear us.

Ah...

Pass me my ear trumpet.

I will try to attract their attention.

I will go now.

Remember, monsieur Alfonse,

do nothing unusual and no one will notice you.

Edith!

Somebody might have noticed that.

Rene, you've got the wrong cylinder.

What?

So what is on the cylinder in monsieur Alfonse's hearse?

It is the one with the message on it for Rene from general de gaulle.

Oh, you stupid woman.

Quick, follow that hearse.