Original subtitles

You see before you a man more worried than usual.

My young waitress Yvette has announced

that she is pregnant.

And worse still, it appears that I am the father.

Apparently, it came and was due to an encounter

that we had in the broom cupboard

during an air raid.

I do not remember the exact night,

between you and me. I do not remember that,

but Yvette assures me it was the night

when the bangs were at their biggest.

Fortunately, my wife Edith

does not know who the father is,

or she would hit the roof,

not to mention me.

If I could escape, I would

before, as the old french saying goes,

the bun in the oven hits the fan.

In the meantime, my hair is liable

to fall out overnight with worry,

if most of it has not dropped out already.

- Ohh-hh, Rene. - Ohh.

Oh, Rene, I have an uncontrollable urge

that is driving me wild.

Not the broom cupboard again.

No, pickles.

Pickles?

Oh, it is a desperate craving.

I cannot get enough.

What a surprise. Come here, give me that.

These are for the customers.

If you want any more, there is a big barrel in the kitchen.

I've already eaten them.

You what?

- Oh, Rene. - Ohh.

Hold me. Hug me. Kiss me.

Perhaps later outside,

if there is a favorable wind blowing.

Oh, I am sorry, Rene.

It is being pregnant that gives me these cravings.

Take a deep breath and hug me.

Ohh.

Ohh!

- Oh, Rene. - Rene!

What are you doing

holding that servant girl in your arms?

You stupid woman!

Have you forgotten that this poor innocent child is pregnant?

- Ohh. - She was overpickled.

If I had not caught her, she would have fallen.

Go into the kitchen. Eat some dry bread.

It will soak up the vinegar.

Ooh. And open the windows.

Yes, madame Edith.

Oh, Rene, I am sorry. I did not realize

she was feeling under the weather.

Yes, well, it will pass. But in the meantime

I think you should be as supportive as possible.

Yes, you are right.

Oh, Rene,

do you not think her pregnancy

has brought two people closer together?

It had occurred to me, yes.

Is it not time you did the honorable thing?

What?

After all, we have been living under the same roof

with the whole village thinking you are my dead husband's twin brother.

Should you not do what everyone expects?

Well, how do they know that we are not?

I mean, get married. We could have

a second honeymoon even more memorable than the first.

Well, it will take a long time

to forget the first.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I have a massage from Michelle.

She has got a bog, powerful bottery.

Why are you telling us this?

It is for the roodio. The old one is very wick.

Where did she get this bottery?

From lieutenant greeber's little tonk.

Oh my god, we will all get shot.

Well, she is not bringing it here.

Do not weary, ronnie.

It will be disgeesed in a minner

that will not aroose suspotion.

Well, I must be about my bossness.

I have a cream to solve.

What cream is this?

Who stole the bottery

from lieutenant greeber's little tonk.

Colonel, something terrible has happened.

Somebody has stolen

the battery from my little tank.

Is that all? I thought it was something serious,

like the invasion or something.

It is serious.

I thought the french liked us.

Don't be silly. We're germans.

By the way, the general has given permission

for officers of my rank to make one call to their families.

I've put a call through to my wife rosa.

I haven't heard her voice for three years.

How I miss her!

You told me she was boring.

In fact I never understood why you married her.

Two reasons: I was young and handsome...

And the second?

She was the local crumpet.

How lonely she must be without me.

Hello...

Who's that?

Leopold? Leopold who?

Ah, the gardener from next door.

I wish to speak to rosa.

She's what? Then wake her up.

She's still in bed.

Hello?

Guess who this is.

No. No.

No.

It's me, erich.

Erich, your husband.

By the way, what's the gardener doing in our house?

Oh, the window boxes.

For a moment...

He's putting growmore on what?

Well, if the kettle's boiling,

I suppose you have to go.

Yes, dearest.

Goodbye.

Everything normal at home?

I'm afraid so.

General Von Klinkerhoffen!

- Heil Hitler. - Heil Hitler.

This is just an informal visit.

I have a little task for you.

Neutral spain is sending half a dozen or so

flamenco dancers on a goodwill tour.

They will arrive in Nouvion today.

See that they are billeted in the town.

Tonight they will entertain at my chateau.

You are both invited.

We deserve a little...

Divertissement, don't you agree?

Yes, general.

- It will be very welcome. - Excellent.

Oh, by the way,

intelligence reports maneuvers

on a massive scale on the english coast.

Invasion could be imminent.

Personally, it will be a relief to see some action.

We can't wait to get into the thick of it.

- At 8:00. - At 8:00.

The sooner we get to spain, the better.

I'm sorry, I forgot to give you this. It arrived this morning.

Oh, this will be the message

from my friend in madrid

who was going to find the art expert

to value the painting of the fallen madonna with the big boobies.

Well, what does it say?

"Having a lovely time.

Wish you were here. Pedro."

Of course, the real message will appear

when I hold the postcard over the flame.

I'm relieved to hear it.

"The man you can trust

is visiting Nouvion.

He will be with the touring flamenco troupe.

His name is Juan Garcia."

Oh! "Give him a photograph of the painting

and a piece of canvas to be tested.

If genuine, we will find a buyer in spain."

Then we can escape and be rich.

Call helga in.

Can you spare a moment?

Helga, you must produce your booby.

I beg your pardon?

We need to photograph the painting with two boobies

for an art expert to assess.

Well, I'm not parting with my booby.

It is the only security I have to ensure

I get a cut of the painting when it is sold.

On the other hand,

I am willing to have my booby photographed.

But the original will not leave my possession.

- What? - Never mind.

We can always explain

that we could rejoin it should a deal be struck.

Meanwhile, we can photograph the painting

with my hand over the missing bit.

Oh, very well.

You're dismissed!

Thank you, colonel.

Here, hold the painting.

I've got a camera here somewhere.

How will we develop it?

We will commandeer the chemist, of course.

Ah.

Well, smile.

What is all that banging, Edith?

Michelle of the resistance

is removing the old flat battery

from under the floor in the attic.

Its terminals are rusty.

My god, the whole town will hear.

You missed a bit. Come on.

Listen very carefully,

I shall wheeze this only once.

This is the flat battery. The new one will arrive shortly

and this will be collected.

I cannot have people walking in and out of here

with batteries. Somebody will report it.

Well, the new one is being delivered

by monsieur Alfonse, the undertaker.

He is taking the risk, not you.

And now I can reveal a daring plan

devised by general de gaulle himself.

The one with the big...?

The same.

He has decided that we should set up

a resistance radio station here in Nouvion.

We will broadcast the truth about the war,

undermining german morale

and rousing the brave french people to arms

in preparation for the invasion.

But surely the germans will track down the radio station.

We will move the equipment around the countryside.

Our broadcasts will be made from different locations.

And if somebody sees us broadcasting?

Impossible. We will prerecord

our broadcasts on wax cylinders

and then play them when we are not there.

Of course.

But where do we get these wax cylinders?

The british will drop the cylinders

and the edison recording machine by parachute.

The next radio message will tell us when and where.

- I want no part of this. - It's too late.

- You are already in the schedule. - What?

You, nighthawk, will broadcast wednesdays

after "breakfast time with nanou."

What is that?

It is the provisional title

for my daily chat show.

Nanou is my code name.

People cannot listen to propaganda all the time.

They need some light relief.

Perhaps I could sing a song

to boost morale.

Uh, unfortunately, madame Edith,

you have a very distinctive voice

which would give the game away.

Oh, my talent is a blessing and a curse.

But more one than the other.

You are very quiet, herr Flick.

Is something bothering you?

I am thinking, Von Smallhausen,

it is vital that we recover

the painting of the fallen madonna

which helga craftily stole from us.

That will not be easy, herr Flick.

We do not know where it is.

My highly-trained intellect tells me

that it is probably hidden in her quarters.

I think we should go there

and sniff around.

That is not possible, herr Flick.

Helga lives in a female-only hostel.

I am aware of this.

Open the special gestapo disguise cupboard

and you will find inside full uniforms

for female privates of the german army.

We will put on the uniforms,

gain access to the hostel and search helga's room.

That is a fiendishly clever plan, herr Flick.

As always.

Now, Von Smallhausen,

you will notice on my desk a basket of fruit

which uncle heiny has sent from berlin.

The connection escapes me.

But then, most things do.

Then pay attention.

To complete our disguises

we must select the appropriate fruit

for our false bosoms.

Hmm, the grapefruits are not quite ripe yet.

Perhaps I should have the lemons.

I am only small.

You forget, Von Smallhausen,

we are posing as german women.

We will take the melons.

The new bottery is in the bottom of the smell kiffen.

Put it on the table.

And how is this method of transporting the battery

supposed to full the germans?

Because on top

is your favorite parrot,

the late roger.

But I do not have one. And if I had,

I would not call it roger.

If I am questioned, I will say we are taking it

to the pet cemetery for the internment.

Well, get the battery out. Come on.

Wha... what...?

Ah.

I do not want to weary you,

but two german ifficers are about to enter the kiffe.

- You are on your own. - What?

I shall disappear up the back passage.

Oh my god, we are done for.

Quick, put the battery on a chair.

Hide it. Hide it, quickly. Quickly.

Come along. Come along.

Ah, Rene, is everything all right?

We were worried to see a hearse outside.

He's just come to collect Rene's favorite parrot.

Roger.

Really? I never knew you had one.

I kept it in the backroom.

Looks like he's been gone quite a while.

No, he popped off today.

I am taking it to the pet cemetery.

Of course.

Gruber, pull up a chair. Let's have a drink.

Uh...

Oh, for some reason there appears to be

a 24-volt battery on my chair.

Uh, I can explain that, of course.

Well, explain.

Well, it was like this, you see...

- If I may interject... - Yes, please.

Monsieur, it is a custom to make sure

the departed have indeed departed.

Monsieur Rene was trying

a last-moment attempt at revitalization...

Using the electric terminals.

Yes, this is true.

I had already tried blowing down its beak.

What happened?

The wind just came out the other end.

I was going to have one last go

with the battery terminals.

Let us all pray for roger.

Dear gid,

do not let this porrot slop away

if there is still a Flicker of loof.

So...

One final go

at giving a jump-start to dear old roger.

Well, if it wasn't dead before,

it's dead now.

- Rene... - Yes?

This battery has military markings.

This is from my little tank.

- No! - Yes.

I said that man with wellington boots,

the beard, the dark glasses and the green bicycle

who sold it to you only 10 minutes ago

was a shifty-looking character.

With such a clear descruption,

he will not escoop the long arm of the loo.

Do you believe this?

We have the battery, colonel.

Well, it's your decision.

Rene, you will accommodate half a dozen spanish dancers tonight.

Could I not just go to jail?

They are a touring flamenco troupe

who are entertaining tonight at the chateau.

Send the general the bill.

Meanwhile, we will take the battery.

Girls, do not adjust your suspenders

in front of officers!

Gruber: Oh, it's quite all right, ladies.

We are not offended in the slightest.

I am off to the pet cemetery.

It seems a very heavy parrot.

Well, he had just had his breakfast.

Good. Helga is not here.

We will search every nook and cranny of her room

for the painting of the fallen madonna.

Yes, herr Flick.

What are you doing, Von Smallhausen?

My melons are slipping, herr Flick.

I told you your choice

of brassiere size was too small.

These cantaloupe melons are at least a 42b.

Sorry, herr Flick.

Begin the search. Under the bed.

What the...?

Oh, it's you, herr Flick.

What are you doing in my quarters

and why are you dressed in this manner?

We are looking for the painting of the fallen madonna

which you stole from my quarters

by cruelly making Von Smallhausen believe that you loved him.

I did believe it.

In my sleep, I still cry out your name.

How do you know if you are asleep?

Because it wakes me up.

If you hand it over, I will reward you generously.

How generously?

You will participate in the profit from the sale

and I will take you back into my manly affections.

That is a tempting offer, herr Flick.

You are a tantalizingly attractive man,

even wearing a skirt and stockings with crooked seams.

I know. You may kiss me.

I'm already late for my gym class,

but I cannot resist you.

Pull up your melons over your eyes, Von Smallhausen.

I do not wish you to get excited.

Kissing is strictly forbidden between privates!

I'm sorry, major.

I sometimes get carried away by my affectionate nature.

Do you now?

Report to my quarters this evening after supper!

Yes, major.

Dismissed!

Who are you two?

We are new girls, major.

We have been transferred from another division.

Why are you not in your gym kit?

The exercise class is about to begin.

Our kit bags have not yet arrived.

We will have to miss the class, I am afraid.

Certainly not! I have never seen

such puny-looking girls.

I will soon get you into shape.

You will do the class in your underwear!

Strip!

Let the exercise begin.

Ready? Go!

Higher!

This was not a good idea, Von Smallhausen.

Lemons would have been better, herr Flick.

Where is a good earth for this battery?

Try the water pipes. They are under the floorboards.

It is too far to reach.

This will have to do.

Oh, Edith, what is going on?

I want to go to the bathroom.

Hold on, mama. We are about to talk to london.

Man: Hello, nighthawk.

This is london calling.

Are you receiving? Over.

'Allo, london. This is nighthawk.

Receiving you loud and clear.

Pass your message. Over.

Rene, the flamenco dancers have arrived.

And I want to go to the bathroom.

Hold on, london, a moment.

Give the dancers some drinks.

- And keep them downstairs. - Yes, Rene.

Sorry about that, london.

I was just dealing with some flamenco dancers

and my mother-in-law wants to go to the bathroom.

Man: Look up that code.

No, it is not code.

It is a normal day somewhere in france.

Now pass your message. Over.

Man: The equipment you asked for

will be dropped this evening

at the usual place at the usual time. Over.

What usual place?

This is blue tit. Message received

and understood. Over and out.

Everything is under control.

Now that you're finished,

I must go to the bathroom.

Rene, do something.

What...? You idiot, Michelle.

You have earthed my mother-in-law.

That was good for me, fanny.

How was it for you?

Rene, I have found

the spanish flamenco dancers in the cellar.

- Well, get them out. - I cannot.

They have drunk six cases of wine

and are all flat out on their backs.

Oh my god. I must go and talk to the colonel.

Rene, something awful has happened.

- Not now, Michelle. - Yes, now.

The british airplane has dropped the equipment.

We have the recording machine, but the parachute

bearing the wax cylinders was blown off course

and has landed down the chimney

of the general's quarters at the chateau.

We can see the parachute sticking out of the top.

Another cock-up?

Never mind. We can send

your small waitress, Mimi, into the chateau.

She can climb up the chimney and retrieve the cylinders.

But the chateau is heavily guarded.

How will she get in?

We will dress her as one of the flamenco dancers.

They are due to perform there tonight. She can tag along.

Michelle, the dancers are all drunk.

They will be going nowhere tonight.

We will take the place of the spanish dancers

and get Mimi into the chateau.

I am having nothing to do with this, Michelle,

- and that is final. - On one of those cylinders

was a personal message to you from general de gaulle.

It even mentions your name.

It was to be a surprise.

Well, that is a surprise.

Where did you say those costumes were?

In the cellar with the dancers.

Quick, there is not a moment to lose.

Follow me.

This is the room we want.

We have not a moment to lose.

Mimi, are you ready to climb up the chimney?

I am ready.

This is very dangerous, Michelle. What if the germans came in

and caught us while we are at it?

I will weet by the deer and keep a lickout.

I will not fail.

Give me a leg up, someone.

Come on, come on.

I am looking forward to this.

I thought we could all do

with a little light relief.

It's Juan garthia and his troupe.

I understand they're quite amusing.

Excellent choice, general.

Have you got the photograph

and a sample of canvas?

They must surely be ready by now.

Go and see what's keeping them, Gruber.

Yes, general.

Lieutenant greeber is heeding this woo.

My god.

Stay where you are, Mimi.

Veils on, everyone.

The general is ready for you now.

Are you Juan?

If it's anything urgent.

I have what you want.

You have...

have you?

Is everybody ready?

Then let's not keep the general waiting.

Rene, you stay here

and help Mimi down the chimney.

Monsieur Alfonse, are you ready?

Well, it's a long time since I last had a twang,

but I'll do my best.

Ready?

Then follow me.

Did you tell them?

They are on their way.

It will be hard to know after this

whether to applaud that one or give her first aid.

I got the cylinders.

We will hide them down our bosoms.

Good. Now,

let us get to the fire escape.

Shouldn't you be entertaining the officers?

We are just about to, señor.

Follow me.

I am covered in soot.

Well, we will say you are from southern spain.

Ah, this is more like it.

What dark skin some of them have.

The little one's quite the turn-on.

What about rosa?

Rosa who?

♪ Granooda ♪

♪ I'm filling under your spill ♪

♪ and if you could spook ♪

♪ what a fascinating tool ♪

♪ you would till ♪

♪ of an urge ♪

♪ the world has ling forgitten... ♪

I'm not sure flamenco was such a good idea after all.

♪ Of an urge ♪

♪ that woves a seelent migic ♪

♪ in granooda ♪

♪ todee. ♪

On the next twirl, enter the door

and leg it down the stairs.

My cylinder is melting.

- Ahh! - Ahh!