Original subtitles

It is now September the 13th, 1943.

It is nearly two years since I last spoke to you.

And as you can see, I have gotten a little thinner on top

and a little fatter down below.

But I am a happy man because I have good news.

The British airmen are finally gone.

They escaped down the drain to the coast

and, disguised as a couple of squids,

they were...

They were netted by an English trawler.

The Italian captain has gone also

because Mussolini has thrown in the towel.

And for the Germans, well, the war is not going well.

Here in Nouvion we are getting quite cocky about it.

Rene.

Rene, I must speak to you.

- Not now, Yvette. - I am not quite finished.

Soon the British will be here

and I will be wearing many medals

for my heroic exploits as a hero of the resistance.

In fact, for the first time, I can truthfully say

I have not a care in the world.

Yes, what is it?

I am pregnant.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Oh, hold me. Tell me you love me.

Well, of course I do. Who is the father?

Why, you! Who else?

That was the next question I was going to ask.

Rene, it is your child.

Keep your voice down.

- Oh my god, this is terrible. - What?

I mean it's terrible we cannot tell anybody.

I am a married man.

But you are not. And as far as the town knows,

you are the twin brother of the Rene who was shot,

who was the husband of madame Edith,

which makes you your own brother-in-law by marriage.

Well, despite that comforting explanation,

for some reason my hands are still shaking.

Oh, Rene, hold me.

Kiss me. Comfort me.

Should you not get a second opinion?

This was a second opinion.

The first said it was twins.

Oh my god.

Leave it to me.

I will try to find a way to keep everyone happy.

Rene!

What are you doing holding that servant girl in your arms?

You stupid woman!

Can you not see this poor girl is pregnant?

Oh, my poor child.

Who is the culprit?

It is the life she leads. It is impossible to say. Is that not so, Yvette?

Almost.

Tell me, and if he will not marry you,

I will slit his throat.

I hope it was an officer. Think hard.

- I am. - Oh, the shame.

A child out of wedlock.

I have an idea.

To prevent the shame falling on this poor innocent girl,

who lives the life she does only to keep her poor old mother

in firewood and paraffin,

I will sacrifice myself and marry her.

You will do nothing of the kind.

You are married to me.

I am officially dead.

You are not going to get out of it that easily.

You could have it in secret and I shall say it is mine.

I am used to shame.

I have a better idea.

Rene and I can say it is ours.

And we can hide Yvette away in the attic

until the baby is born.

But, madame Edith, how are you going to convince people

that a virtuous woman like you is in the club?

I will put a cushion up my dress

and exude a youthful bloom.

And of course, bigger cushions

as the days go by.

You are so kind, madame Edith.

But I could not let you bear the shame of a child out of wedlock.

Or even a cushion.

As far as the villagers are concerned,

you are the wife of his dead twin brother, a single woman.

I will put up the cushion and say the child is mine.

No, you will not. They are my cushions.

And if Rene is so keen to protect a woman's honor,

he can marry me officially

and say it is ours.

A little hero of the resistance.

A thought to conjure with.

If only it were mine.

I can see it all now.

You have just woken up,

little knowing what a special day

it is going to be.

Rene, darling, is it nearly 10:00

oh, how kind of you to let me sleep so late.

What a lucky man I am.

Dearest, I have a surprise for you.

Oh, tea and biscuits in bed.

What more could I want apart from a kiss from the lips

of the woman I love?

Brace yourself

for some surprising news.

I am braced. What can it be?

Have you not recently noticed

that I have a bloom in my cheeks?

Oh, yes, I have. And I thought to myself,

how lovely she looks and how young.

And have you not noticed

that every day I have been knitting little woolen garments?

Well, all knitting is little to start with.

Have you not noticed

I have got a little bigger around the middle?

So you have.

What can it mean?

- Oh, do not tell me that... - Yes.

- You mean... - Yes.

- You're not... - Yes.

- A little? - Yes. Yes!

I am so happy, I can hardly speak.

We are going to have a little hero of the resistance.

Or perhaps a little heroine.

I must marry you as soon as possible.

I knew you would say that.

I have someone standing by.

We are ready, your excellency.

Do you take this pregnant woman

to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

- And do you... - Oh, yes, yes!

Then I pronounce you man and wife.

Excuse me. I have to return to the Vatican.

Fancy the pope coming all this way.

A hero deserves nothing less.

And so much fog at the Vatican.

Edith. Edith, are you paying attention?

Oh, I'm sorry, Rene. Yes, what is it?

We must find the father of this poor girl's child

and make him marry her, but not be hasty.

Give her time to remember.

And in the meantime, say nothing.

This secret must remain within these four walls.

Good moaning.

Good moaning.

I have some bod nose for you.

There is a rumor going around the tune

that one of your wattresses has a bin in the oven.

Oh no, the shame!

Whoever it is.

Is it tree?

You can rely on moo to be discroot.

It is mine!

Three bins?

There's seems to have been quite a lot of honky-ponky going on.

Nothing is certain. And we would be obliged

if you would keep this rumor to yourself.

Until we know whose little cushion it is.

A nid is as good as a wonk

to a blond herse.

My lips are soiled.

Even if they were not, no one would be any the wiser.

Well, I must be about my bosiness.

Shame shame!

You've got to find out whose cushion it is soon.

The rumor seems to be sprooding.

- Shame! - No!

Shame!

They are all pointing at us.

I am not having this sort of shame.

I agree. Now it is all over the town.

It is too late to have it in secret.

You had better find out who the father is as quickly as possible.

I am thinking hard.

I am thinking even harder.

I wish you'd thought of this six months ago, Gruber.

We'd no idea the war was going so badly.

It's all goebbels's fault.

Lying to us with all that propaganda.

Trust me, colonel,

if we can get to Spain before the British invade,

my friend at the monastery will look after us.

Do we have to learn Spanish?

I have a smattering of it, and it could be useful

if we could say a few words when we get to the border.

Desertion's a risky business, Gruber.

Not as risky as being a prisoner of war

in a camp of rough fellows.

True. We must be prepared for the worst.

Now this is a very basic Spanish lesson.

So you want to speak Spanish.

Are you listening with your translation booklets?

Yes, we have the booklet.

Lesson one, pay great attention

to the accent.

Make your s's sound like t's

and keep the tongue behind the teeth.

Here are some useful tips

on finding somewhere to stay.

Repeat after me.

Where is the hotel saratoga

in Seville?

Where is the hotel saratoga in...

In where?

Seville.

Please, can I have a single room

with shower and nice vista

overlooking the sea?

Repeat.

Please, can I have a single room

with shower and nice vista

overlooking the sea?

No!

It's too difficult.

It's a barbarous language.

It sounds nothing like German.

Well, that's because it's Spanish.

No, after a moment of token resistance,

I will surrender to the British when they arrive.

If only we still had the painting

of the fallen Madonna to sell.

If we had, we could employ a Spanish person

to speak Spanish for us.

General Von klinkerhoffen!

- Heil Hitler. - Heil Hitler.

Gramophone records?

I hope you haven't been wasting your time listening to popular music?

No, general, we were looking for one of the fuhrer's speeches.

To boost our morale.

So you have been wasting your time.

Incidentally, I've heard a rumor that certain generals are suspected

of being involved in a bomb plot to blow up our beloved leader.

Outrageous!

You are still loyal despite all the military blunders?

To the end.

Not even a teeny-weeny bit fed up

with his rantings and ravings?

He does go on a bit,

but that's the fuhrer.

Be assured, we are loyal to the end.

Then I will drop the subject.

And as far as the end is concerned,

it may be nearer than we think.

The British and their yankee allies could invade at any time.

We are ready to retreat the moment you give the order, general.

There will be no retreat and no surrender.

This does lessen the options.

We're gonna fight to the last man, and the last bullet.

And if this post is overrun,

we will retreat to the chateau and we will make a stand

which will add one final glorious chapter

to my family's military history!

If you have any useful suggestions regarding this last stand,

let me know. I shall be in my quarters.

Would you like a girl

of easy virtue sent to your room?

Thanks for the thought, Gruber, but I'll make my own arrangements.

Mama, I have brought you some chicken and leek broth

and two straws.

Oh, how lovely you look.

I'm getting ready for the invasion.

The conquering soldiers expect it.

But last time you said they raped and pillaged.

This time I shall be happy to settle for pillage.

See how the years drop away.

It is incredible.

Ernest, soup.

For a moment, I thought it was a dream

and I was in bed with Louis xvi.

Mama is getting ready for the invasion.

She says she wants to welcome the troops.

If they see that, they may turn around and go home.

Suck on your soup and shut up.

Soon the sun will shine on France

and a new world will dawn.

Can you not feel the wind of freedom blowing already?

I am expecting it at any moment.

It is time to call London.

What indignity!

The soup is everywhere.

I have a leek in my pajamas.

Will you remind baron Frankenstein

and his latest creation that there is a war on?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once:

I am the one who calls London and you are not allowed

to even press a button without me.

- You were late. - I was having a facial.

We must all look good for the invasion.

By the way, there is a rumor that someone in the cafe is...

Oh no, the shame!

So it is true. And the father?

She is trying to remember.

Is nothing secret?

Who told her?

I may have mentioned it in passing,

but no one else knows.

This is London calling.

We are ready to receive you.

Hello, London. This is blue tit. Have you a message for us?

Yes, we hear someone is

in the pudding club.

Oh, the shame.

Do not worry. It will go no further than england.

It is just a rumor. Over.

We hoped it might be you, blue tit.

We hoped it might be a child of a heroine.

No, just a local tart. Over.

How dare you!

We are sending a plane for nighthawk.

Hello, this is nighthawk. I do not want to go to London.

I have been there once and that is enough. Over.

Do not argue. The plane will arrive tonight.

It will be in the long Meadow before the moon is full.

That is all. Over and out.

Hello, do not out until I am over.

Hello? Well, I am not going, so there you are.

But, Rene, you know the area from here to the coast

like the back of your hand.

It is a very important assignment.

You'll probably parachute down with the first wave.

It is a great honor.

Oh, Rene, please stay. Do not leave me now.

There, you see?

This girl does not want me to leave until I find out the father of her child.

She is in my care.

I feel responsible... For her care, that is.

I know monsieur Alfonse had a brief career in his younger days

as a stage hypnotist.

Maybe he could put her under and get her to remember.

On second thought, it is a great honor

to be chosen to lead the invasion.

I have very many big decisions to make.

Money is the key.

We can't go on the run without money.

If only we hadn't lost the painting.

Who had it last? I forget.

The general... It was stolen from his chateau.

Since then, nothing.

Smells of the gestapo.

If Rene had it, he'd have vanished by now.

I questioned him thoroughly,

never taking my eyes off his for an instant.

I'm sure he hasn't got it.

Although I must admit, he has got something.

My brain's been stagnating.

It needs this type of emergency to get it going.

Helga's the key.

If Flick has the painting, she will find out.

Tell her to come in.

Helga, a moment if you're not too busy.

I was just ordering some more ammunition

for the last great stand.

Are you all right for bullets and hand grenades?

- Our drawers are full. - So are mine.

Forget the heroics.

Gruber and I are thinking of avoiding direct conflict.

You mean doing a runner?

Something along those lines. Only we need money.

We need the painting.

For two years now it has been missing.

I suspect herr Flick, but he will give nothing away,

despite my feminine wiles.

If he does have it, this is how we will find out.

You'll go to see him, and while you are there,

Gruber will phone and pretend to be one

of himmler's ruthless gestapo men.

Will that be a deep voice?

Any voice except yours.

You will say that your men are in town

and will call any minute to collect the portrait

for the fuhrer.

If Flick has it, he will panic

and he'll reveal its hiding place.

Wish me luck.

What excuse do we give for the visit?

I shall tell him I have a gift.

- Do you need some petty cash? - No.

I am the gift.

Let's hope it works.

If it doesn't, we've only one choice left.

And that is?

The hotel saratoga at Seville.

By George, you've got it.

I do wish Yvette would remember who the swine was

so I could kill him with my bare hands.

I can think of nothing else.

Hold me, Rene.

Oh, how I wish it had been me.

If it had, Rene, would you have offered to have married me?

Of course I would.

I can imagine breaking the news to you gently.

You would be sitting at the table writing out the menu.

In case you wondered where I was, I've just been to see the doctor.

Has he given you some cream

for those chapped little hands that scrub and clean, day and night,

for a mere pittance so you can be near the man you love?

Yes, but more importantly,

he has confirmed what I suspected for some time.

You have housemaid's knee.

I am in the pudding club. Look.

Good heavens. Almost a founding member.

- And it is yours. - What a shock.

Will you marry me?

Would you expect anything less from a man of honor?

But what about Edith?

Aren't you afraid of what she might do?

After all, she has set her heart on marrying you again.

She would expect only the best from me.

- Edith. - Yes, Rene.

I will break it gently to her.

I did not like to mention it before,

but I have been having an affair with Mimi our trusted waitress

and she is slightly pregnant.

So I see.

Oh, I am so happy for you both.

You will marry her, of course.

You do not mind?

You have my blessing.

How could I deny a hero of the resistance

his just reward?

And I promise not to shoot myself until after the wedding

because I would not like to spoil anything.

Always a sport.

3:00 this afternoon.

- At the church. - At the hospital.

Quick, I must get to the hospital.

What are you talking about, Mimi?

Sorry, Rene, I was daydreaming.

Oh, hold me!

For under this blouse, a little girl's heart is beating

and I would like it to beat in time with yours.

It will have to speed up a bit.

Now look, you go to the kitchen

and give that dough a good knead

so that the bread will rise properly.

I will think of you while I do it.

Good girl.

- Rene, back room. Quick. - What is it?

Hold me.

Rene, what a tricky predicament.

Everyone knows, except they do not know what you and I know.

They must never know what you and I know.

I know, but I want to shout it

from the rooftops.

Well, try to control yourself, Yvette. That roof is dangerous.

Do you want to marry me or not?

Of course. I will marry you after the invasion is over.

You promise, as soon as they invade?

Scout's honor.

If I still had my woggle I would swear on it.

Rene, hold me.

Hold us.

Just for the record,

was it the bedroom or the broom cupboard?

The broom cupboard,

when you banged your head.

Oh yes, I remember.

It was one of those days.

Germany calling, Germany calling.

The glorious German air force continues

to shoot down hundreds of enemy planes.

Our defenses are secure and the fuhrer has decreed from his bunker

that we shall be victorious. The setbacks are minor

and the third reich will flourish for 1000 years as promised.

I would tell you more, but there's a minor air raid.

That was a near one.

Helga is here, herr Flick.

Quite a stranger.

I was just listening to the radio.

Bad news I see.

We are failing to turn the tide.

As this being so, we may not have long to say goodbye.

Surely we're not failing that fast.

No, but Von smallhausen and I

will not be the most popular people in town

when the allies invade, and we intend to make ourselves scarce.

What will you use for money?

Sell something?

We have nothing to sell.

I have here the gestapo forgery kit,

which turns out not unreasonable facsimiles

of most currencies.

Unfortunately, we cannot get the correct paper.

So we are practicing on the rolls from the powder room.

It will not be easy passing escudos notes

stamped with the word "bogsan."

Nevertheless, I'm sure they will come in handy for something.

Otto Flick,

this is gestapo headquarters, Berlin.

Our best men are about to call on you

to collect the portrait of the fallen Madonna

for the fuhrer.

Hand it over or you will be shot!

Excellent. It sent a shiver down my spine.

Mine too.

What is it, herr Flick? You have gone quite white.

Something that sent a shiver down my spine.

- Helga, you must help me. - Of course.

Contrary to what I recently said,

I do have the portrait of the fallen Madonna.

Rough gestapo men will be here any moment to collect it.

Mess up the office.

It will look as though the resistance have raided us and stolen the painting.

Now, Helga,

you must handcuff Von smallhausen and me sitting at these chairs.

I will hide the key in my shoe.

- Where is the painting? - It is in a safe place.

Would it not be better, herr Flick,

if I took it for safekeeping?

No. Now take my truncheon from the desk

and gently knock me out.

It will add realism to our tale.

Can I take an aspirin first?

There is no time.

- I cannot do it. - Hurry, it is an order.

Very well, herr Flick.

- Von smallhausen. - Hurry!

How can I, when I love you?

What?

It has always been you. What is your first name?

Engelbert.

It has always been you, bertie.

Have you not noticed how I have endured herr Flick's embraces?

But who was I staring at over his shoulder?

- Who? - You, you little fool.

How could any woman resist

those big liquid brown eyes?

Gray, they're gray.

Deep down you must have known.

Well, deep down I did. But it was so deep,

I thought it was just a rumor.

Tell me, darling,

where's the painting?

I'll hide it for us until after the war.

I'm sitting on it, darling.

- Sit up, Albert. - Ooh, ooh!

Engelbert.

- Where's the catch? - It's under the seat

between my legs. Ooh, ooh, ooh!

I'll hide it until we meet again.

One kiss before you do what you must?

I can't.

Oh, what the hell!

I do not think this is a good idea.

Maybe we shall find out the truth.

Yes, and when we know who did the dood,

he will marry you or face the quincyquonces.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I've had a terrible shock.

A stiff climbed out of his coffin and went home.

I was sure he was dead.

But I was sitting in the mortuary

working out the bill, talking out loud

and the final figure

must have jumpstarted his heart.

I need a drink.

Now, monsieur Alfonse,

can you hypnotize this girl?

She has information locked deep in her subconscious.

Oh, no!

Was this the result of one

of your frequent trips up the stairs, mademoiselle?

I expect so.

When was the last time I was here at night?

Please get on with it. We have a plane to catch and many preparations to make.

- Rene, do not leave. - He must.

- Oh no, not now. - Please concentrate.

Now you are going into a deep sleep...

Deeper, deeper.

You cannot resist my croaky voice.

You will be entirely under my control.

Nod if you understand.

Who is the man you last entertained...

How can I put this delicately?

In a naughty way?

- The butcher. - The baker.

The candlestick maker.

Not all at once.

Did I say something?

Nothing we did not know.

- Is the butcher the father? - No.

Can you describe him?

He wears a striped apron

and a straw hat.

Not the butcher.

Who is the father of the little one?

It is...

I'm very very sorry. It is the dust.

Please, mademoiselle, think quickly

- before you go too deep. - Ohhh!

She has fainted.

My power is too great.

We will try again tomorrow.

Good idea. Now let us clear up the cafe.

There are customers coming. Come on.

We will take her to the kitchen and put her head under the tap.

What about him?

Such great power.

Monsieur, wake up.

I have been in a deep trence,

during which I had a deep thunk.

Really? What did you thunk?

Nothing.

My mind was a blink.

Be at the long Meadow when the moon is full.

We need all the landing lights we can get.

So bring your policeman's bicycle.

What bercycle?

And why am I dressed as a poluceman?

And why am I spooking fluent franch?

I will explain it all later.

Perhaps I'll feel bitter

if I lie down for a bot.

Well, Helga, did our plan work?

Perfectly, colonel. I stole it from his secret hiding place.

Better than we expected.

Hand it over.

What's this? There's a booby missing.

- I have it safely hidden. - What?

I'm not sure you will cut me in on the proceeds of the sale.

So I am keeping the booby as security.

When you find a buyer, I will reunite the booby

with the rest of the painting.

Helga, surely you trust us.

Not on your Nellie.

How could they possibly have known unless you...

I was out cold.

I do not believe you.

And to find out exactly what happened,

I propose to use this.

What is that, herr Flick?

A new truth serum extracted

from the female patagonian firefly

at the height of the mating season.

Roll up your sleeve.

It is extremely effective

and has only slight side effects.

Now the secret

of a successful injection is surprise.

Hold out your arm.

That was a surprise.

Now tell me the truth.

Suddenly, I can hold nothing back.

Helga revealed that she loved me. She always has.

She took the painting after I told her where it was.

After the war, we are to be together for always.

Dunderhead, you have been duped.

That phone call was a hoax.

She wanted only the painting.

Damn, now I will have to be nice to her

to get it back.

- I thought she loved me. - What rubbish.

I feel giddy.

I must lie down.

Is that the side effect?

That is one of the side effects of the serum extracted

from the patagonian firefly at the height of the mating season,

but not the main one.

When is that due?

About now.

Rene, do you have to go to england?

I must. It is my duty for France.

Now try to hold on and make sure that monsieur Alfonse

does not hypnotize you again.

I had a tin tack pressed in my hand.

I was in control.

I will never reveal that you are the father

until you are safely on your way to england.

And then I shall proudly announce it

and our intended marriage.

Well, if you are going to jump the gun,

when I am in the air will be the best time.

Otherwise, I could be delayed when my country needs me.

This is from madame Edith.

She is ready for her cabaret. This is her introduction.

Oh my god.

She's doing the Turkish number.

You must say farewell in the backroom.

- I will leave by the window during it. - Right.

Ladies and gentlemen

and officers,

it is cabaret time at cafe Rene.

And tonight, madame Edith wishes

to give you all that you would expect.

And so may I ask for the warmest of welcomes

for the harlot of the harem,

the concubine of constantinople,

the temptress from Turkey...

With the emphasis on the Turkey...

Madame Edith!

Quick, the cheese board!

♪ I'm your Turkish delight ♪

♪ and I wait every night in my room ♪

♪ they all knock on the door ♪

♪ and should you appear ♪

♪ you have no need to fear ♪

♪ we'd be on our own, that's for sure ♪

♪ if you're looking for trouble ♪

♪ my big hubba-bubble ♪

♪ will quickly put you in the mood ♪

♪ it never fails ♪

♪ when I take off my veils ♪

♪ and offer some exotic food... ♪

That reminds me,

did you order those two extra barrage balloons?

Farewell, my love.

I must mount my bicycle and join Michelle and the girls.

Have you any last words for me?

Oh yes, you can use my bicycle while I am away.

♪ Now have a quick drink and before you can blink ♪

♪ I am suddenly down to just two ♪

♪ when the time's right you'll have Turkish delight ♪

♪ in a manner that's daring and new ♪

♪ with six veils gone ♪

♪ you can shout, "carry on" ♪

♪ with just one veil twixt me and a blush ♪

♪ I think I'll retire now that I've lit your fire ♪

♪ I'll be waiting upstairs ♪

♪ for the rush! ♪

We must try not to get killed in the stampede.

Where are they?

Oh yes, the secret signal.

What a rigmarole.

Damn, a real owl.

- You are late. - I had a puncture.

What are you doing in those little shorts?

If we are stopped, my girls are I are practicing

for the tour de France when the war is over.

And what is my excuse?

You are timing us.

Will I be timing you from the front or the rear?

From the front with me.

Quick, to the field. Officer Crabtree is waiting for us.

Mind my gearbox, colonel.

It is not wise to try for reverse

at this speed.

Gruber, what's going on?

Just Rene pursuing girls again.

I do not know where he gets the energy.

Where is the plane?

I am sure Gruber knew it was me.

Don't panic. We left that tank miles behind.

As soon as we hear the earcraft engines,

the girls will piddle.

This will make their lumps light up

and guide the earcraft to this fold.

We are listening intently.

I think I can hear it in the distance.

Attention, ludies.

Can you all see my titch?

Yes!

The piddle when I flash it.

Gruber, can you see into Helga's room?

Yes, the curtains are open.

She is preparing for bed.

Any sign of the missing booby?

Not the missing one, no.

Listen, an airplane.

Colonel, it is an old biplane

with British markings.

The invasion has started. It's coming in to land.

Shoot it down with your big gun.

Hold my binoculars.

Hurry up, Gruber.

I'm trying to get one up the spout.

You're supposed to have one up the spout.

Damn it, you're too late! He's gone past.

No no!

He's turning. He's coming back.

Quick, take aim.

I am taking aim!

Well, take aim quicker.

You're putting me off.

Put your fingers in your fat ears and be quiet.

Gruber, how dare you!

- It is hit! - The wheel has come off.

We shall not be leaving tonight.

My god, I must get back to the cafe.

I hit it.

I hit it. I hit it!

It's still flying.

Oh, dear.

I hope the pilot did not get the number

of this little tank.

When they invade, they'll be very cross.

Do not worry, madame Edith.

I will look after you while he is away, huh?

I might even take a room here.

That would be tempting fate.

On second thought,

I could make up the bed in the room next to mine.

You could stay over if you like.

My dicky ticker is racing at the thought.

I have an announcement to make.

In case anyone has not heard,

I am with child.

And the father is...

Well, yes yes, go on.

And the father is...

Unknown!

- Shame! - Shame shame!

Oh, the shame.

You have missed your plane?

A lot of the plane just missed me.

Do you mind?

My back has only been turned for half an hour.

Rene, we were just about to find out

who the father was.

Maybe tomorrow, Edith, but that is another day.

You are leading again.

Sorry, Rene.