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Speak.
You said you wanted the truth, okay, you
should know what she has, not really.
I kept telling her to stop, but
running wouldn't help.
She didn't even try to deny she took it.
She thought we were the danger.
I know you needed blood.
I know you needed blood.
I think she thought it was going to protect her.
She told her there's no point in running.
That's when I knew she'd never give it up.
Well go on, tell him.
She didn't survive.
I mean she did, but not for long.
There's really nowhere to run, you know.
The sexy thing.
The Package.
You did what you could.
And what now?
I thought you needed her.
I thought she was the last of them.
No.
Who's there?
I don't know what you want from me.
Let me go, I promise.
Save your tears, young one.
Your words will not save you from your fate.
Nia, you okay?
Yeah.
Why are we doing this again?
You know, get a bit of culture.
Shake up the rhythm a bit.
Give all of us a bit of a break.
I can't believe we're actually going to the castle that was once
occupied, very briefly, by the Elizabeth Bathory.
We're being scammed.
Come on, have some faith.
I'm sorry, why would some Hungarian bird, who was imprisoned in a
Hungarian castle for Hungarian crimes, have a Hungarian castle in Yorkshire?
It's going to be a themed Airbnb, you'll see.
No, no.
No, no way.
Not a chance.
Not a fucking chance.
This is fucking bullshit.
Ah, ladies.
Wonderful to have you.
My name's Martin.
I'll be your guide for the day.
There seems to be a mistake.
This was supposed to be a castle.
It is.
This house is built on top of the old grounds where there
very much was, at one time, a castle.
A castle occupied, very briefly, by the blood countess Elizabeth Bathory.
In Yorkshire.
Okay, we're leaving.
We've already paid for it.
We might as well stay.
No, no, you haven't paid to stay here.
You're at our second location, a bit further down.
This is simply the tour.
Hang on.
It was specifically suggested that we would stay here.
Afraid not.
And no refunds.
Sorry.
Now, for us to get started, you should...
Double booking.
Double booking, great.
So we can have that refund.
Oh, no, no, no.
You're still staying at our second location.
It's closer to the village.
It has a jacuzzi.
Fucking hell.
Thank you.
Come on, boys, let's go.
Oh, you fucking know.
Cheers, drive.
Firstly, I'd like to thank you all for joining me today as
I take you through the life, death, and brief stay of the
lady of the house, Elizabeth Bathory.
Now, we're all going to have a laugh and a joke now
and then, but I'd like to remind you that the subject matter
is quite serious.
And I would ask you all please to respect that.
Anyway, I'd like to begin by visiting the early life of Elizabeth
Bathory.
Her father was Baron George VI Bathory.
Aaron?
No, Baron.
In fact, this...
This is him.
Oh, a tour by giggle.
Worth every penny.
Oh, I say.
I bet he was very popular in court.
The Baron's wife, in fact, was a blood relative in order to
preserve the royal bloodline.
Who was she?
A relative.
A what?
A relative.
In fact, his sister, mate.
Was she fit?
Well, yes, it could be said that incest is not, in fact,
the best.
Moving on.
Now, as a result of her incestuous heritage, Elizabeth suffered from epilepsy,
which is an occasionally common result of family inbreeding.
This plays a lot about you.
What the fuck?
Excuse me, sir, are you saying that every single person with epilepsy
is a result of family inbreeding?
What?
No.
No, I'm just saying it's an occasionally common symptom.
Anyway, at the age of ten, Elizabeth was promised and engaged to
Florence Navashti for political reasons.
Did they have any incest, baby?
Not between them, no.
Although some people say that she did fall pregnant at the age
of 13 to a peasant boy.
But that's been widely refuted as her marriage to Navashti wouldn't have
proceeded and she wouldn't have been gifted the castle in Hungary where
she...
Well, we'll find out about that soon enough.
Yes?
Didn't she have numerous lovers while France was away?
Now, things are going to take a darker turn.
Through this room, we are going to embark on a journey through
the torture methods of Elizabeth Bathory.
Hold attention.
She ghost anything tonight?
Oh, that happens in a castle stays in a castle, innit?
Airbnb.
Same thing.
The murders clearly didn't stay in the castle today.
Oh, show some respect.
You're a serial killer.
We paid £300 for this tour.
Yes, we all paid the same amount.
Part of the exclusivity.
For a not castle.
And the bishop continues.
I'm a queen and a queen wants is gets what.
Oh, the youth today have no decorum.
Okay, that's enough tension.
Welcome to the torture chamber.
What a...
Thank you, Majesty.
I love this.
Absolutely, Please don’t touch anything.
You'll have to use your imagination somewhat.
But here's a wiki page of her favourite torture techniques.
Please pass that around.
What are you doing?
I'm going to text that fraud's mum and tell her he's got
a girl pregnant and they're having an abortion.
Dude, that's so fucked up.
Yeah, it's about an abortion.
Oh.
Smell her history and take it all in.
Hey, Siri, activate rave mode.
Let's go.
WOOOOO! YEAH!
Jacket!
Steady.
Shhhhh
It's over.
Breathe.
Breathe.
It didn't last long.
You've done this before.
I've had some experience with epilepsy.
I’m sorry.
Yes.
Fuck!
I tried playing along.
Now I'm done.
Now I'm done.
Steady on, mate.
Back off!
Don't worry about the door.
Some people say that the ghost of Bathory's keeper during her imprisonment
still haunts this house.
Yeah, of course.
Hungarian ghost.
On holiday in Yorkshire.
How can we forget?
Anyway, as I was saying, Bathory's husband built her her own private
torture chamber, where she used to employ her own gruesome methods of
torture on her victims, as detailed in the wiki there.
Many, well, in fact all of her victims were young peasant girls.
One of her favourite methods of torture was to cover her victims
in honey and leave them for the insects to bite, eat and
burrow into.
So feel free to have a look at the phone and soak
up the vibes and I'll hold the door open.
Are you OK?
What you girls doing later?
Probably just get some wine and enjoy that jacuzzi.
Wine?
Jacuzzi?
What else is there to do around here?
Now it's time to move on to the library.
This way.
The library?
Well, it's not about the size, it's about the volumes.
Well, actually it's the room that was built on top of where
the old library used to be.
As a lady of the upper classes, Elizabeth was entitled to literature
and education.
Are you sure that's her?
Quite.
I had it shipped from the original castle where she was kept.
You've got a 16th century painting shipped over from a historical landmark
to be kept in an Airbnb.
How did you swing that?
It wasn't easy.
Look at her.
Her hair.
Her eyes.
It's like she's here.
Can't you feel it?
Like we could talk to her.
Feed her.
Men would kill for that privilege.
Men would...
Men would die for it.
Double bookings.
So, gentlemen, you can stay here for the night.
Ladies, I'll take you to the secondary location.
I'll set you up for the evening there.
Double booking be damned.
Actually, we would really want to stay here.
You know, to be part of the history.
It's built on history.
Well, in a double booking situation, protocol dictates that it's a first
-to-book, first-to-stay rule.
Yeah, actually, me and the boys would like to go to the
secondary location.
Because there's a jacuzzi and an off license
See?
We'll just swap.
Perfect.
Wonderful.
Well, there's plenty of rooms.
Of course, I wouldn't want anyone to swap.
I'm not going to force anyone.
What about you, darling?
We prefer to stay in our own beds, thank you.
Privacy.
Private things.
You rotter.
I like you.
You guys good?
Yeah, it's just a bit weird, isn't it?
Yeah, like an evil Mona Lisa.
Yeah.
Look at this.
What's that?
It's a book.
Where did you find that?
Over there, stashed away it's a diary.
Her diary?
Whose?
Her diary.
Oh, Bathory's.
No, Queen Latifa's
Of course, Lady Bathory's.
What does it say?
Books such as these are not meant to be touched.
They are to be preserved for history, as I said before.
And now we are approaching the end of our tour.
Wait here.
Time for a feed.
Here you go.
Be careful.
That's it.
Are we going in or what?
Oh yeah, I can't wait to look at his phone in an
entirely different room.
Maybe he's burping the worm, girls.
In the ceremonial bedroom.
How rude.
I can't believe we've traded our free jacuzzi to these dickheads.
And now for the final leg.
This way.
Elizabeth was only caught because she started to kill noble girls.
Was she not hanged when they found out?
No.
Hung?
No, unhung?
Yeah.
She was not hanged.
Hung?
The only punishment they saw fit for a woman of her noble
status was imprisonment.
Her own castle was her prison.
She was allowed to freely roam inside.
The only rule was she was never to leave.
A single guardian was left behind to make sure of that.
That's all?
She got to live out the rest of her life in a
castle?
That was her punishment?
I'm afraid so.
And that concludes our Elizabeth Bathory themed tour.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Please feel free to leave a good review on TripAdvisor as that
really helps.
Thank you so much.
This way out please, thank you.
Bye bye.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Please come again
Thanks.
Oh, that's very kind of you.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's just a ten minute walk this way.
On a normal day.
I'll be back soon.
Look forward to it.
Maybe we should find another room to drink in.
Where are you going?
To get more wine.
Alone?
I'll be fine.
Am I the only one that's creeped out by this place?
I think it's a real privilege to be staying in such a
historical...
What would have been a castle?
Could have had a jacuzzi.
Oh, fuck!
Nia?
Nia?
Nia?
Did that tall guy come back?
I didn't hear him walk in.
He said he was coming back.
I didn't hear him walk in.
But the wine isn't upstairs.
Maybe he's just stubbed his toe or something, trying to find a
fuse box.
Come on now, Nia.
Why are you walking so slowly?
No!
No!
Christ of History
Great idea, Kimbo.
Fridge is out now too, so let's drink this Prosecco before it gets warm.
That's weirdly well timed.
I'll charge them.
Oh, look at this.
Battery powers.
Batteries included.
Oh, this is sick.
This is old as fuck.
Oh my god, it's probably got that song the grannies used to listen to.
Ba da da da da da da da da da, da da
da da da, da da.
Alright, come on, let's play it.
Oh, this is fun.
Ah, you're going to miss this at Uni.
What about you?
Travelling the world, no group to lead.
Listen, I'm going to be young and dumb until I'm old and
wrinkly.
Because, oh God, the thought of getting old and not being able
to do dumb shit anymore.
You can still do dumb shit when you're old.
Yeah, like wheelies and the old people are.
Yeah, we can race each other.
Yeah, we can make bets on who's going to die first.
A little tonal shift from Kim there?
I reckon I'd be the one to die last.
Hopefully.
Jesus, Kim!
Well, no, I just mean that you guys want to be young
and dumb.
I don't mind getting an autumnal for it, I just don't want
to die last.
Right, well maybe you'll be lucky and we'll just die together in
our sleep then.
As long as it's not one by one, fine by me.
Guys, can we change the subject?
It's so morbid.
There is something we could do.
Oh, come on.
Reading isn't exactly what I'd hope we could do on this trip.
Come on, this is...
Oh, please, no more history.
What else are we going to do?
Anything else.
Fucking hell.
I'm just strong-willed.
Alright, let's just read this stupid book.
What?
Of course it's in Hungarian.
Dammit, if my phone hadn't have died, I would be able to
translate this.
The phones will be charged any minute.
Amber, what are you doing?
If you can't understand Hungarian, you're not going to be able to
read any of this.
Oh, look, there's Charles.
Fucking hell, look at this one!
Oh, my God.
It's that woman shoving a rod in that poor girl's mingr...
Alright, that's fucked up.
Close the book now.
What is wrong with you?
Oh, come on, I didn't come here to not see something.
Oh, look.
This is in English.
Is it?
The blood.
It always has been the answer.
It took her years to perfect and now it's passed on to
me.
I did not have the privilege of knowing her in real life,
but I know her now in death, as she lives now in
these very halls that I now roam.
A prisoner she once was.
An ever-watching jailor.
She once had.
I can't write as different.
You're right.
Yeah, it's Biro.
This is ruined.
Stupid paper cut.
Right, well, I'm going to go wash this off.
And read this in peace.
Without you uncultured chicken shits.
Anymore alcohol anywhere?
Um, Mr. Tour Guide Martin Man?
Is everything okay in there?
Yeah, she deserves way better
Yeah, I just wish you could see that.
Hush now, girl.
Who are you?
Who am I?
A broken child.
An abandoned child.
An unclean child.
But I will soon be clean.
Just how my mother wants.
But now...I must be clean.
No!
No, no, no!
Why's it not charging?
I don't know.
What the fuck?
Is it your charger?
No, it definitely works.
I've tried every fucking plug socket in this joint.
I think you an upgrade.
I do
Amber?
That didn't sound right.
Okay, that's not okay.
Probably just seen a spider or something.
Amber?
Amber?
Amberino?
Amber?
Whoa!
It's not real.
No!
Amber!
It's not real.
No, it is real, my dear.
Very real.
What do we do? - She’s Dead!
No!
She’s dead!
Come on!
Dad, no!
No!
I'll find them.
Fuck!
Fuck!
Guys, go, go, go, go!
Fuck!
What in the inception Christopher Nolan fuck is this?
I don't know.
I don't understand.
I don't understand.
Let's go, let's go!
Go, go, go!
We're trapped.
There has to be a way out.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Okay, okay, okay, yes.
Again.
This isn't right.
This isn't right.
We're gonna fucking die.
I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna die.
Okay, okay, wait.
Wait.
Okay, okay.
Okay, enough.
We're gonna get out of here.
We're gonna call the police and they're gonna shoot that fucking bitch
in the head.
Okay?
Okay?
Okay?
For Amber.
Where did you guys come from?
Well, the kitchen.
I mean, it was the kitchen.
We were drinking all day.
Why do you look so spooked?
Why are you here?
We need to leave now.
Because?
There's a crazy old naked psycho woman who murdered our friend, drank
her blood, and then took a bath, and now she's after us
because she wants to drink our blood and every time we try
to leave this place we walk right back into this room like
some naked pipe out of Mario World.
Does that make sense?
Naked?
Old?
How naked?
We didn't get a stripper.
Do you reckon if we gave her our undress we could do
it?
We're being fucking serious.
Fine, don't believe us.
They don't got a working phone.
Yes.
We need to call the police.
I'm not calling the police.
We just broke in and we might get nicked.
Seriously.
I'm not talking to you.
Call the police.
Alright, I'll call them.
Okay, good.
I haven't got any signal.
Of course.
If this place, can Mario World us into this room with unbreakable
fucking windows, of course witchcraft can fucking block our mobile phone signals.
Okay, wait.
Okay, all of us together.
Now we're going to try again.
We're going to go.
Now all together.
Okay, you as well.
Come on, you as well.
Fucking idiot, move now.
Go, fucking go.
Okay, go.
Where are we going?
Just go, to leave.
Shit.
Fucking go.
Just go.
Okay, just go.
Wait, wait, wait.
Where's the other one?
Just get out.
Yes.
Yes, yes.
Okay.
Okay, where's it going to be?
Where's it going to end up?
Okay, come on.
LIBRARY!
LIBRARY!
Yes, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
This outdoors looks suspiciously indoors.
This is bollocks, isn't what this is.
I need a piss.
What the?
Fuck!
Yeah, I guess the Mario warps are real.
They seem pretty serious about the naked fitty.
There's a lotta female serial killers about these days.
Oh, fucking quality.
I still need a wee.
Can you come with me?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Fucking goods.
Where the fuck did they go?
No, this makes no sense.
We're never getting out of here, are we?
Yes, we are.
We're not giving up now.
What about Amber?
I don't know.
Shall we just try again?
Okay.
That thing is, like, consistently inconsistent.
It took us somewhere, but it took the boys somewhere else.
So if we try again, it might take us somewhere else.
Or split all three of us up.
I didn't even think about that.
No offence, Kim.
With offence, Kim, that sounds fucking stupid.
Okay, well, what else are we going to try?
Oh, shit.
Look at me.
Hello.
Hello.
And what are two young men and a woman of nobility doing?
Wandering these halls?
Halls?
No, we're staying in the Airbnb.
It's just got a jacuzzi and there's enough...
Hang on a minute.
Did you say...
This place is a bit much.
We're just trying to find a way out, aren't we?
I can help with that.
Can you just give us one little mini-moose?
Right.
And birds.
Come on.
They were saying that there's a woman walking around fucking killing everything,
right?
Yeah, they mostly said she was walking around naked, so I'm focussing
on that.
That's a really good idea.
Yeah, besides, she has an unfathomably sultry quality.
Oh, nice.
So we were thinking...
I'm getting out!
I'm getting out!
Lady, don't protest too much.
Please.
No, no, no, no, no.
Look.
Look, we'll try it, okay?
We'll try it.
We'll work something out.
We'll work it out.
Yeah?
She lives in these halls that I now roam' but...
in the diary in biro
This place is alive, it won't let us leave.
Kim, if you want to wallow and believe there's no escape out
of here, then you do that.
But wouldn't you rather switch on that no-shit Kimness and get out of here?
Right?
I need a minute.
Oh my God.
Okay girls, right, we can crack this, yeah?
Maybe that guy Martin, he lives here.
We're bound to see him at some point, yeah?
So, if we just look into these rooms, instead of stepping into
them, we can crack this.
Maybe this is his bedroom.
Oh, fuck.
Gary?
Gary?
Gary, wake the fuck up.
It's fucking Nathan.
I'm not talking to you! You knob!
I'm covered in fucking honey
One has to be sweet
And now for the lady.
I'll allow you to choose.
What?
Yourself, or your companion.
What did you do?
I can't eat that.
Wonderful.
Fuck.
The blood of a woman is the most pure, sweeter of a tongue.
Younger the better, fresher.
But you, my dear, despite your ravages of evidence, you should do
just that.
You're not a woman.
No.
Sorry.
She'll come back.
She'll come back.
And only her.
She'll bring helicopters and tanks and she'll blow this place to pieces.
Yeah.
I think that might ruin the historical significance of the property.
Like she'd give a fuck.
She's got the biggest balls out of all of us.
I know.
And that's why I will apologize for being such a negative Nigel.
When we find her.
She'll never let you live that down, you know.
I know.
If she puts a hole in the building and finds us, that's
fine by me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
She tried to make me eat my friend's dick.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Wow.
I'm sorry.
If you won't tie me, I'll tuck it back in.
Tasty.
Tasty blood.
Hey.
Oh, child.
So young.
So fresh.
What do you want?
You're trapped here, right?
I can help you leave.
Only within the walls of this wretched house I am safe.
It's where the magic operates.
I bet you can do some black magic shit.
You're human, otherwise you wouldn't age.
I'm more than just this vessel.
I'm eternal.
I'd love to know how eternal you are.
With this poker shove it up your ass.
Get her.
Swipe the bitch.
I can do better.
Stab her in the eye.
Her feminine blood fields more than yours.
What the fuck?
She took that from Amber.
The naked woman?
Yeah.
I wouldn't touch that.
There's a tape in it.
I need to see it.
I don't know...
what it's for.
What the fuck is that?
That's it.
That's the tour guide.
It was complicated, but I needed two things.
A direct descendant so there's a connection through the bloodline.
And an object to channel everything through.
Here, look.
Look at her.
Isn't she beautiful?
It's affecting this house.
Some spirit.
It frightens me.
The spirit and I have one thing in common.
Neither of us were the descendant of Elizabeth Bathory to ever live
in these walls.
YOUR INBRED CURSE
YOU MISBEHAVED THEREFORE YOU MUST BE PUNISHED
You're the one that can't move.
What?
Oh my, that was her.
That was...
That was the tour guide.
And the woman that killed Amber.
He made her
She killed Amber.
So fuck them
The both of them.
Do you think we'll find her or the exit first?
We'll find Nia.
This place, it wants us to help it.
To stop them.
No, this place is trapping us.
It's keeping us here.
No, it wants us to stop that psycho woman from getting out.
It wants us to stop her.
What makes you say that?
It was something Amber said.
Or the fucking tour guide.
They were talking about this guard, a jailer.
It's the spirit of the guard and it's trying to keep them
away from us.
It's taking the strongest of us to the bitch.
That would be Nia.
Yes.
Yes, Nia.
Yes.
What the hell are you doing in here?
Renovation.
This place looks like shit.
Beautiful, isn't it?
My mother's.
She gave me a lot.
Treasures.
Knowledge.
The one thing I detest her for was inflicting me with the
same illness she had.
The fits.
These nettles.
Annoyingly painful.
Completely harmless from the leaf.
It doesn't take a lot of pressure to break the skin.
Ah!
So fragile.
Another drink should suffice.
Nothing.
It's all getting a bit repetitive now, isn't it?
A little.
An object to channel everything through.
That painting!
What?
The tour guide said you resurrected to the spirit of Elizabeth Bathory.
He needed a descendant, which is obviously that old woman.
And he needed an object to channel everything through.
It'll be that painting.
I think that painting is the key to ending all of this.
Okay, cool, let's go.
Ah!
Like the dress?
You, child, your blood is unclean.
You suffer with the same ailment, the fit of illness.
Like me, your blood is unclean.
You dare not drink it.
The best I can offer is a quick demise.
You'll go peacefully and remain untouched.
But not too peacefully, of course.
Bitch!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Okay, come on, come on.
Ah!
Ah!
Come on, come on, come on, yes, come on, really, yes.
Yes, yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Yeah, don't touch it, don't pull it out.
Don't pull that out, Bailey.
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
Just don't touch it.
The sun's up, the sun's up, Bailey, come on, Bailey!
Bailey, Bailey, we're gonna try again.
Bailey, Bailey, come on, come on.
We did it, we did it, come on, come on, come on,
come on.
Please.
No, please, no, it's not fair.
Please, it's not fair, please, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The only punishment they saw fit for a woman of her noble
status was imprisonment.
Her own castle was her prison.
She was no different.
That's all, that was her punishment.
It's not punishment enough.
For you, for you.
I’m sorry, Bailey.
I love you.
I’m sorry.
I love you, I'm sorry.
Where are you?
You fucking bitch.
Come on!
The harlot.
She dropped some pen.
I'll take that from you and plunge it into your gut just
as I did your friend.
Now, try it!
What the fuck is going on here?
I had a little too much to drink, Everett.
You failed.
I'm strong enough to fight you.
You bastard.
I told you to stay in the second location, but you have
to just, look at her, she looks.
As I am meant to?
You couldn't stop me forever.
I was for your own good.
You can't go out there.
The world has changed.
It was never about the world.
It was about you.
And it's only you that stands in my way.
You've been keeping her.
You're a descendant of Bathory, that's obvious, but you, what, you're a
descendant of the god?
Shut up!
It's you, you're the god.
You wrote that in Byro, you whiny fuck.
Shut up!
You and this house.
Keeping you safe, I was keeping you alive.
Keeping me weak, feeding me just enough to exist, but not to
truly live.
I didn't need your scraps when there was a fountain of sweet
young blood ready for me to feed on.
Even the walls of this cursed house couldn't keep me away from
rooms so full of wandering thieves.
It was safe before you in here.
You love her.
I, I see her.
As she is.
For who she was, I needed an object to channel her spirit
to the descendant.
It couldn't be any object.
It had to be special.
It, it had to be her.
It had to be the painting.
But nothing was easy.
It never fucking is.
Her spirit couldn't come back alone.
No, my cursed, wretched ancestors had to tag along, clinging to her
spirit like a stain.
My dearest Elizabeth, her spirit was stored in the painting.
But my ancestors, they infiltrated this house, never letting her leave, controlling
where we go whenever the sun is down, warping us from one
room to another.
I wanted this at first.
If she was kept here, I could control her, feed her my
own blood, sustain her.
It was all I wanted, even with my ancestors watching.
All she wanted was to leave.
All this house wants is for her to be gone.
In you four, this house saw an opportunity to use you to
destroy her spirit, to get you mad enough to take your life,
to take her away from me.
I had to stop you.
I tried.
I tried.
I was, I was trying to get to you all night, and
the house was working against me.
You kept me here to be your slave.
I brought you here because I, I love you.
You kept me chained to some old, decrepit body.
I can't let you leave, not because of some oath, but for
love, don't you see?
I'm gonna kill this bitch and you can watch.
No, no!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Taste it, taste it.
What the hell is that?
Hey Siri, activate rave mode.
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