Original subtitles

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Christmas.

Peace on Earth, goodwill to all,

and gifts!

You have to give me a hint.

[Fox sighs on phone]

I... I don�t know what to get you.

I don�t have any money to get you anything,

so you better not get me anything either.

Right. Uh, no... no gifts.

Uh...

maybe just stockings, then?

FOX: [phone] We have each other.

We don�t need gifts.

MARK: [phone] But it�s Christmas.

It�s all about giving and love.

MARY: I can�t find the packin� angel!

POP: Well, maybe you sat on it.

Check your arse.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): They say there�s no place like home

for the holidays.

Whoever said that was definitely not at home.

Well, did you find it yet?

I can�t see anything! It�s dark up here.

Is the angel in that one?

You know, I�m of an age where I�m not exactly

looking forward to being face-to-face with the angels.

This is just branches in this one.

MARY: Well, we can�t have a Christmas tree

without the friggin� angel!

Mom! I�m on the phone.

- Mmm! - Sorry about that.

It�s, uh... you know, a little nuts here today.

Oh, it sounds nice.

I kinda miss everybody yelling.

You know, it�s the first Christmas without my family.

It�s weird.

I think I found it.

That�s a reindeer.

- Well... y�know... hm. - [Mary sighs]

You can have my family.

We�re decorating the tree today.

Oh, yeah, I�m not gonna bother.

You gotta have a tree!

We don�t have one. We always used to cut a tree.

Mom says fake ones are easier.

There�s gotta be another bag of orange branches!

It�s got no middle!

You know, maybe if you just turned it.

I could spin it like a jeezly top all day long!

That�s not gonna change the fact that it�s got no packin� middle!

Isn�t Christmas peaceful?

POP: [background] Well, what are you looking at?

Still no snow here.

Any your way?

[sighs] Nope.

A green Christmas. So weird.

The first I ever seen.

It doesn�t feel like Christmas.

Yeah, tell me about it.

MARK: Well, I know it sucks for you this year,

but you still gotta have a tree.

MARY: [background] Christ on a cross!

Stick it up your hole, you jeezly tree!

POP: We need a better tree.

Or not.

This bloody thing.

It�s unnatural!

Plastic trees, plastic tablecloth,

even plastic Jesus.

I mean... is there nothing real anymore?

Thanks for keeping it down while I was on the phone.

Oh, nice... Christmas stick.

POP: It�s a disgrace, right?

You know, I used to go out with your father

and get a real one every year.

He�d probably be about your age.

Why don�t we go get one now?

We basically live in the woods.

I don�t want a real tree!

They look cheap!

As cheap as this fake one?

It�s not fake!

It�s artificial.

- Right. Hm. - Ow!

You mangy, mingy, maggoty-arsed tree!

Fine.

Go get a real one.

Just be back before dark.

Here, put this on.

Let�s go save Christmas.

Right.

Stupid tree.

[upbeat instrumental "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"]

?

[cheerleaders cheering indistinctly]

?

[bells jingling]

?

MIKE SR: Mike Critch, reporting live from the annual downtown

St. John�s Santa Claus Parade.

No rain or snow in the forecast,

so it�s a great chance to come out and see

the big man himself, Santa Claus!

For updates, stay tuned to 590 VOCM,

your Merry Christmas station.

This your first time broadcasting

from the Santy Claus Parade, right?

- Yes, sir. - Best gig of the year, b�y.

Everyone�s smiling, waving.

Sure could use some snow, though.

Look, Santy�s goin� around with his coat open!

Yeah.

What�s wrong with you?

Promise you won�t tell Dad?

No, I don�t wanna end up on no naughty list.

Yeah, okay. Forget it, forget it.

Oh, jeez, the only thing worse than keeping secrets

is not having none. What is it?

Amanda got offered a job at the station.

Yes! Wicked!

Hey, you must have got me letter, Santy!

Me daughter�s comin� home!

- Dick! - What?

Amanda comin� back to Magic 97 is dandy, b�y!

Yeah, she got offered a job doing the news.

On VOCM.

But that�s your fadder�s... Oh!

- [loud knock] - Jesus!

- Frig�s sakes! - Almost time to roll out.

We�re behind the cheerleaders.

Try not to hit any this year, will ya, Dick?

Yeah, I�ll go, uh, check the, uh, trailer hitch here.

Why is he so jumpy?

Uh, you remember your first parade, Mike.

Big day.

I suppose.

Can you keep a secret, Dick?

No.

I think this might be our last Christmas on Kenmount Road.

Oh... Sorry to hear that, Mike.

How�s Mary takin� it?

She doesn�t know.

Wha?! You gotta tell her, Mike, b�y.

She�s bound to find out.

- How? - Well, Mike Junior might...

He doesn�t know either.

I hopes you likes coal in your stocking!

Promise me you won�t say anything.

- I... - [loud knock]

- Ahh! - Oh, Christ!

Showtime.

You didn�t say anything to him, did ya?

I ain�t talking to no one till Boxing Day!

[upbeat music playing on radio]

[starts engine]

? Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la ?

POP: Hurry up.

All the good trees are gonna be taken.

How about this one?

Oh, too small.

This one?

Too tall.

Well, how about this?

Too fat.

This?

Too skinny.

Oh, that one.

Too green.

- This? - Too dry.

Oh, I give up!

[sighs]

Ah, there�s not even any good trees anymore.

When your father was a boy,

these trees, they were...

they were like giants.

[poignant music]

There�s not even any bloody snow.

[sighs]

Nobody keeps up the old traditions.

[exhales]

No Tibb�s Eve.

No mummering.

You used to take Dad mummering?

[laughs] Oh...

everybody went mummering.

[traditional festive music]

POP: We�d go from house to house,

making the neighbours guess who we were.

Well, they already knew, but they played along.

[knocks at door]

Any mummers allowed in?!

POP: There was no such thing as a locked door back then.

We should try it sometime.

Oh... [chuckles]

Well, they�d probably put us in jail.

How about this one?

Oh...

now,that is a Christmas tree.

[sighs]

Finally.

All right.

Let�s go to work.

[comical, intriguing music]

MARY: Christ in a manger! Where is that friggin� angel?

Careful up there! Don�t fall!

MARY: Ooh! Jesus.

Who in the name of the Blessed Virgin

waltzes in without knockin�?

[sighs]

Oh, Mr. Bartlett!

Oh, I am so sorry for the mess.

Oh, that�s to be expected this time of year.

Speaking of which, I popped by with Mike�s bonus.

It�s a Christmas chicken.

Oh, I see.

Mr. Murphy always gave a turkey at Christmas.

Yes, Mrs. Bartlett prefers the chicken.

Says the meat is moister.

Hmm.

Guess you must have had a lot of great Christmases

in this house, have ya?

Oh, so many.

Of course, not the same now that the boys are grown.

No, but I daresay you�ll miss it.

Miss it?

Christmases here on Kenmount.

But you�ll create new memories wherever you land.

Mike didn�t tell ya?

Tell me what?

You�ve got to move.

Come sit down, Ebenezer.

You need to have a chat with Bob Cratchit�s wife.

[under his breath] Jesus.

Oh... this damn thing is blunt.

You want me to take a turn?

Well, be careful.

All right. There.

It�s not a loaf of bread!

Put your whole back into it!

- Okay. - Yeah! Give it...

[eerie, disorienting music]

Mike... Mike, be careful!

You�re far too young to be playing with saws!

Pop, you...

you mean Mark.

What?

Oh...

Wha...?

This is all wrong. This is...

You�re not my son.

W-where�s Mike?

Mike! Mike!

Please, help me find my little boy.

We were out mummering.

Don�t just stand there!

Help me find him! He�s lost in the woods!

Pop, I...

[playing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas"]

ADULT MARK (V.O.): When I was a kid,

a parade was basically just slow traffic, but with tinsel.

[cheerleaders cheering and bells ringing]

MIKE SR: Hundreds have lined the streets

for the downtown St. John�s Santa Claus Parade.

All the tiny tots have their letters ready to give

to Santa�s helpers. I�m Mike Critch.

And I�m Mike Campbell.

Coming up, we have "I�ll Be Home for Christmas" by Johnny Mathis

on VOCM, your Christmas station.

? I�m dreaming tonight ?

? Of a place I love ?

? Even more than I usually do ?

Did I ever take you down to the parade?

No. You were always in the parade.

Right.

Well, I should�ve.

Oh, come on.

I was always more excited to see you than Santa Claus anyway.

- I gotta- - I got something to say.

- You go first. - You go ahead.

Fine.

I think I�m gonna get fired.

What?

Come on, you�re Mike Critch.

Mr. Bartlett says he wants fresh blood.

- He told you? - Tell me what?

Told you what? What?

I think you�re just being paranoid.

Look, there�s no good way to tell you this, but...

Bartlett�s gonna tear down the house.

What?

He can�t do that. No, no! What did Mom say?

I haven�t... exactly... told her yet.

Dad...

Come on, you�ve gotta tell her.

No, no, no, no, no. Not yet.

No point giving someone bad news now.

I don�t wanna ruin Christmas.

I�ll ruin New Year�s instead.

["I�ll Be Home for Christmas" playing in background]

What was it you were gonna tell me?

Nothin�.

Just, um...

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Merry Christmas, son.

? I�ll be home for Christmas ?

? If only... ?

Santa Claus Parade is coming on.

Do you wanna watch it with me?

That�s for kids, b�y!

I�m goin� down to hang out in front of the store.

Just watch a little with me, please?

What, are ya scared, is ya?

It�s Christmas, b�y, not Halloween.

Yeah, it don�t feel like it.

[sighs]

We shoulda got a tree.

Yeah.

[instrumental "O Christmas Tree"]

?

[laughs] What are you doing?

Wait, wait, wait...

?

[Fox chuckles]

?

There.

Now we got a tree.

Dork.

[sighs]

Better?

Yeah. It is.

Here.

TV: And coming up now,

we see the Shriners and the Keystone Cops.

I�m in the radio business, Mrs. Critch.

I�m not a landlord and you crowd are barely paying any rent.

And that is reflected in Mike�s pay.

You�re barely paying him any salary.

That�s always been the deal.

Well, I didn�t make that deal. Look, I�m not the bad guy.

I tried to set him up at CHVO. Turned me down flat.

He what?

Hmm...

Maybe you should be talking to your husband, not me.

I wonder what people will say when I go on the CBC

and tell everyone that your Christmas station

sent a family out lookin� for a manger on Christmas Eve!

Nobody said anything about Christmas.

When, then?

You gotta be out by the end of March.

Once the snow melts, we�re bringing in the pavers.

Or... end of April.

July.

Come on... July?

You businessmen like to negotiate, right?

You see, I have a son,

and he is still in school, Mr. Bartlett.

And his head is up in the clouds,

and to be honest, I like it up there.

And I don�t wanna yank him back to Earth

before he graduates high school.

So, I am asking you,

at Christmas,

to search your heart

and let us stay... until July.

I�ll go quietly then.

July it is.

Now get out of my house.

It�s just business.

Oh.

Merry Christmas.

[front door opens and closes]

Friggin� Christmas!

Oh...

There you are.

Well, now all we needs is a tree.

[poignant music]

Oh...

?

[music darkens]

Pop, it�s me.

I don�t know you.

I�m your grandson.

Why would you say that?

Where�s Mike?

Mike�s okay, Pat.

He�s already home.

He just ran ahead, is all.

Kate, she put him to bed.

He�s safe.

He�s just tuckered.

Good, good.

That sounds right.

Mike�s home.

Yeah.

Where are we?

Good God, Mary.

It looks like Bing Crosby threw up in here.

Well, if it�s gonna be our last Christmas in this house,

at least it�ll be a good one.

Wait, you know?

You know?

You told your son before you told me?!

[sighs]

Pop and Mark are still out looking for a tree.

A real tree?

Good gosh, you�ll burn the house down.

Don�t.

Here. Go tell them to come home

while there�s still a home to come to.

MIKE JR: I�ll be right back.

But not too soon. Okay?

I�m gonna give you guys some time.

You just talk, and sit, and really...

Bye!

[1950s Christmas music playing on radio]

How?

- Doesn�t matter. - I was gonna tell ya.

I just... thought I could fix it.

I was trying to protect you.

By lying to me?

By not telling you.

Same thing.

I guess I was hoping for a...

Christmas miracle.

Those are homemade, hon.

We�re gonna have to fix this ourselves.

After Christmas.

Come on, help me with the decorations.

We got a tree comin�.

?

POP: Well, where are we?

MARK: We�re getting a tree.

It�s Christmas.

I know that!

What do you think, I�m brain-dead?

What I meant was, how do we get home?

You know, you have us all turned around.

Pop...?

You...

you didn�t know who I was.

No, but... Uh...

Look, I think it best if we keep that between us, you know?

I was just overtired.

You need to see someone. Mom and Dad-

I already have!

They don�t know their arse from their elbow.

Now...

I used to know how to do this.

Moss will only grow on the north side of a tree.

Or is it the south?

East...?

Quiet, Pop.

POP: Rude!

I hear cars.

And that must mean the highway is near.

And if we find the highway, we find the house.

- Oh... - This way, come on.

- Whoa. - Oh, look, Pop!

POP: Oh, Rudolph!

MARK: It�s the VOCM transmitter! Come on.

MIKE JR: Mark? Pop?

Oh, over here!

MIKE JR: Hey. Uh, whoa!

Someone�s feelin� the Christmas spirit.

Hey, grab the other end of that tree.

Paul Bunyan here got us lost.

All right.

Home is right here.

Follow me.

["I�ll Be Home for Christmas" by Johnny Mathis]

POP: Jesus...

Come on!

Don�t go that way.

[Mike Jr. laughs]

Wait!

?

? Please have snow ?

? And mistletoe ?

? And presents on the tree ?

MIKE SR: It�s perfect.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Home isn�t a place.

It�s people.

Should we have a white Christmas or a red?

?

Hm.

? ...will find me ?

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Like a candle, Christmas memories

burn brightest when it�s dark.

? ...the love light gleams ?

[chuckles]

?

? I�ll be home

for Christmas ?

? If only in my dreams ?

[car honking]

?

? If only...

...in my...

...dreams ?

ADULT MARK (V.O.): The best Christmas memories

are the ones we make today,

and they last the longest

when we love the giver more than the gift.

?

?

?

?

?

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