Original subtitles

Yo flav

I'm telling you, Doing this show is a great idea.

you knowwould never let you Do anything that makes you look ridiculous.

I mean, anything you say, Chuck, man, you know.

But just tell me One thing, man:

What's really going Up in there tonight, chuck?

Well, what i hear is You're gonna get up on this big stage

And you're gonna be Surrounded by nothing but the biggest,

Most famous stars In the history of america.

Woooow!

I don't know if it'll be Bigger than that glass but,

They're gonna Talk about how you're the most wonderful,

talented, most intelligent Human being alive.

Woooow! That's me. That's me.

You know they had To get your girl, brigitte nielsen--

- Brigitte nielsen's Gonna be there?! - Yeah.

Wooooow! Yo, chuck,

- She got the big knockers. - Yeah yeah yeah.

Remember when I was doing my tv show--

I know, listen. At the end, they're gonna bring out this gigantic

Flavor flav statue covered In $100 bills and lollipops.

- Lollipops? - Solid gold.

- Wooooow! - Just for you.

- Flavor flav! - Flavor flav.

Yeah, boy! Ooh, it's going down!

All right, it looks Like we're here.

All right, i'll see you inside, All right, man?

- What you mean, You'll see me inside? - I'll see you inside.

- No, you got me here, so-- - Got you covered.

- ( door opens ) - What you doing? You parking the car?

Come on, we good. All right, man?

( Laughing )

- Flavor flav! - Got you, man, got you.

all right, I'll be inside, chuck. - All right, cool cool.

All right, driver, get me The hell up out of here, man.

( tires screech )

They gonna tear His ass up, boyeee. Mmm.

( hip-hop music playing )

flavor flav: This is the comedy central roast of me--

flavor flav!

with your roastmaster, My man, katt williams.

we got other Master roasters,

like jimmy kimmel,

my girl sommore,

greg giraldo,

snoop dogg in the house,

jeff ross,

ice t,

and my girl Brigitte nielsen,

patton oswalt,

carrot top

and lisa lampanelli.

the comedy central Roast of me--

flavor flav!

boyeeee!

now give it up for my man, Katt williams!

( Audience cheering )

( rap music playing )

All right.

Beautiful.

Now, uh...

Before we get this started, Here are some ground rules.

I know that Some of you people here

Came to dog flav out. Not me.

I came to honor A close personal friend

Who the collection agency Knows as william drayton...

A.K.A. Flavor flav.

Now flavor started Out rapping about social issues.

He's not political anymore,

But he does on occasion Fuck a bitch that looks like al sharpton.

He's the legendary hype man Of public enemy

And the only conscious Black man i've ever known

To wear a sean john Sweatsuit,

Gold teeth And an aryan viking cap

At the same Goddamn time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Let's look back

At the life and times Of flavor flav,

None of which He can remember.

♪ Rap rap rap rap rap Ch-ch-ch-check this out ♪

♪ Boing. ♪

( Echoing ) Hello!

Hey, y'all ready for it? Make some noise!

Let's go!

- ♪ Hit me ♪ - ♪ Don't believe the hype... ♪

Flavor flav, What do you do?

- ( Grunts ) - I'm the one that keeps chuck hyped.

- ♪ Let's get it on ♪ - ♪ Let's get it on ♪

- ♪ Let's get it on... ♪ - We maxin', relaxin', and we waxin'.

I wanna do my dance. Man, can i do my dance?

- chuck: no. - ♪ Come on ♪

♪ your bad self, Papa got a brand new funk ♪

- ♪ kick that ♪ - ♪ Runnin' for your life... ♪

Yeaaaah, boyeee!

Rapper flavor flav was arrested In a bronx apartment building

on november 1st. - ♪ Fight the power... ♪

Think about your future, 'Cause there ain't no future in this motherfucker, man.

♪ bring that beat back... ♪

Hell, yeah, dog.

♪ so get up and get get Get down ♪

♪ 9-1-1 is a joke In your town... ♪

- They say you're the man. - You got that right.

- ♪ Ah... ♪ - I love you, flavor.

- Yeah, boyeee! - That's right, boyeee.

♪ Ah... ♪

- Yeah! - ( Screaming )

Whaaa! Flavor flav!

Whoo! I have ass in both hands.

Heeee-hee-hee! Drop it!

I am sick of your shit!

- Bitch, get off me! - Chill!

Fuck all of you!

- That's fucked up. - Slap me, bitch.

- ( Spits ) - You motherfucking whore!

Whoo!

Yo, flav, man, you is The black hugh hefner.

- What? - ( Stammering )

This lady is weird.

I could vibe with you All day long.

nielsen: I adore the guy.

flav: I got a present right here, baby.

- I feel it. - Whoa!

Oh, whoa whoa whoa! I do, i do.

flav: I just like stealing the show.

♪ The land of the free... ♪

And that's what time it is. You know what i'm saying?

♪ And the home Of the flav! ♪

( laughing )

( Cheering )

Ladies and gentlemen,

Look up in the sky.

It's a bird, It's a plane,

It's a crow, It's a bat.

It's flavor flaaaaav!

( dramatic music playing )

( Cheering )

Yeah!

( hip-hop music playing )

- What's up, katt? - You look great, man.

Yo, what's up, y'all!

( Cheering )

Woooow!

williams: Wow.

That, sir, Was quite an entrance.

Makes you wonder where's The rest of the flying monkeys from "the wizard of oz."

What a way to kick The show off, folks.

Well, flav...

In case you ever don't Feel good about yourself

Look at this all-star cast That's assembled here

Who are gonna have to Fire their agents

For booking them This shit tomorrow.

now, members Of the audience,

I feel i must warn you,

There's going To be gratuitous use of the "n" word.

If you looked up here You can understand the "n" word is "nobodies."

Let's get it started. Ladies and gentlemen,

We have Greg giraldo.

( cheering, applauding )

Yes.

Graduated columbia university And harvard law school,

Worked as a lawyer

And finally became An angry broke-ass comedian.

good job.

I know a little Bit about bitches,

And ladies and gentlemen, This is comedy central's bitch.

He's riding comedy central The way lisa lampanelli

Rides niggas at The million man march.

there's some riding Going on.

Jimmy kimmel is here. Has his own show.

give it up for mr. Kimmel.

He's successful And he has smoked more weed

Than both snoop And flavor flav today.

Next we have The wonderful patton oswalt.

he's a walking contradiction.

On one hand he's smart And witty,

And on the other hand He's an avowed atheist.

But i guess If i had his career,

I wouldn't believe In god either.

It's sad that He did his first hbo special in 1995

And since then has done 35 tv and film projects.

And after all that,

He still looks Like a grown midget.

I guess that's God's way of saying "fuck you, you fat atheist."

Thank you, Patton oswalt.

Carrot top, people say You're washed up,

But i think you've Done pretty good

Considering the fact You died in 1986.

"If ronald mcdonald Fucked wendy's"

Is what i'm Saying to you here.

Don't look at your watch, I'm gonna be whoopin' your ass all goddamn night.

this is A motherfucking roast.

Jeff ross...

Jeff ross is In the pimp hat there.

The legendary jeff ross, The general roastmaster...

Looks like a depressed Hobbit with down syndrome.

He performed for the troops In war-torn areas,

And even those Shows don't sell out,

Which makes you understand That even if the show was free,

You didn't have Anywhere else to be,

Some people Would rather die than enjoy his brand of comedy.

jeff ross, Ladies and gentlemen.

Lisa lampanelli...

what can you say about her? The queen of mean.

I just want to Explain to you, lisa,

That the only reason That black men fuck you

Is so they can feel like They beat up a white man and got away with it.

having done all that...

Let's get it crackin'.

Ladies and gentlemen, Our first roaster...

We're gonna get him Out of the way so we can enjoy some comedy.

Please give it up For greg giraldo.

Make some noise for him.

( rock music playing )

Thank you, everybody.

Keep it going For katt williams.

Isn't he adorable? What a cute, little kinda person he is.

Holy shit. Katt, you're like afro sheen--

Some white people Have heard of you, but no one knows what you do.

What a teeny, Little pimp!

Man, being a pimp Ain't easy,

Especially when you gotta Stand on phone books to smack a bitch.

You've got A great look, katt. I love it.

I was backstage, I thought i smelled the stinkiest, nastiest bud,

Turns out it was just katt Ironing his hair.

This is great. Katt williams, flavor flav,

Snoop, ice t.

There are so many Black dicks up here,

I feel like we're doing this Roast in lisa lampanelli's mouth.

Face it, lisa, You've swallowed more black seeds

Than warren sapp At a watermelon-eating contest.

Ice t is here, holy--

Ice t, You fucking fossil.

Holy shit. You're so old, the first thing you bought

The first thing you bought With your record deal money was your freedom.

On your first album, The "n" word was "negro."

Sommore is here.

Sommore, When it comes to movies,

Maybe you should do "Some less."

"Soul plane," Holy shit.

That was such a horrible Embarrassment to black people,

Brigitte nielsen Tried to fuck it.

Brigitte nielsen's here.

Good to see you Sitting up, sweetheart.

i guess you're in rehab

And i really hope That works out for you.

But seriously, If you want to stop

Repeating the disgusting things You've done in the past,

Why don't you just get Your pussy sewn shut?

Think of how many spools Of thread that would take.

Your pussy's so big, Sylvester stallone left his career in there.

Say something. Say something.

God, you are a big, Ghoulish woman.

I'm talking to you, Carrot top.

jesus!

What happened To your face?

You look retarded. How did you do that?

How did you find A plastic surgeon

Who could add A chromosome?

And what's with the muscles?

How much strength does It take to jump around on stage like a spastic monkey?

Don't answer that, flav.

that's for later.

This really is an ugly Group of people, holy shit,

Just like giant white women And a bunch of black dudes.

I feel like we're doing One of those "baby daddy" shows on the maury povich show.

Don't worry, jimmy, you'll Be hosting that soon too.

You just had Your appendix out.

Apparently, You can get appendicitis from being overrated.

All: oh!

That? That was the one That was too much? Overrated?

Giant pussy's okay, But don't...

Jeff ross. Jeff, how are you?

Jeff just hosted some Ridiculous talent show on abc.

A talent show! Where do you get the balls to host a talent--

You running a talent show Is like michael vick running the aspca.

Maybe next year you could host A handsome contest.

- Good to see snoop here. - ( Cheering )

snoop, uh...

Snoop smokes so much hemp, He once shit a rope.

Snoop, you're Filled with toxins,

You've killed people,

And you've been banned From every country on the planet.

You're like Chinese toothpaste.

And our guest of honor, Flavor flav.

This is really-- This is exciting, flav, it really is.

- ( cheering ) This is an honor.

I've-- i've never roasted An oily cadaver before.

You're like a turd with teeth. Look at yourself.

I love the crown. You look like king lear got trapped in a forest fire.

You are one Black motherfucker.

You're like a skeleton Wrapped in electrical tape.

you look like idi amin

After a three-year Crack binge on the sun.

You're a groundbreaker. Let's face it, flav,

This is a racist country and Normally to make it in america

A black man has to be Really good at something.

"Flavor of love"-- I've seen more culturally uplifting entertainment

At a tijuana donkey show.

All right, flav. Well, you're the best, man.

You really-- You've just left a mark on the cultural landscape

That people can only Dream of doing.

You're one of the most Memorable people ever in the history of entertainment,

And with that clock Around your neck, that was just pure genius,

'Cause watching you, America really always knows what time it is--

It's time black people Stopped progressing as a race.

- ( hip-hop music playing ) - ( Cheering )

flav: Coming up, snoop dogg.

I'm fucked up, o.G. I am fucked up!

flaice t! Jimmy kimmel!

- oh shit, i don't Have my wallet. - Flav: jeff ross!

This show is gonna be Nominated for an academy award.

and lisa lampanelli!

Flav, if you don't like the Show, i'll bang you later. Bye.

Ladies and gentlemen, Behind every great man

Is a greater woman. Please give it up for the woman behind me,

D.J. Spinderella.

( Cheering )

Ladies and gentlemen, When i asked comedy central

To book a strong, Black woman on the roast,

They went out...

And got a woman Who can bench-press 350.

Please give it up For my girl sommore.

Make some noise For the queen!

- ( cheering ) - ( Rap music playing )

All right, now, Make some noise for webster.

( cheering )

No, katt williams Is tiny, right?

I don't know whether To fuck him or change him.

But i'd fuck him 'Cause he's rich.

i mean, you'd figure he's saved A whole bunch of money

Ordering off The children's menu for 20 years.

It's a hell Of a group up here.

There's a lot Of gangster rappers.

This is the first gig Where the security

Is protecting the audience From the performers.

And what the fuck Is patton oswalt doing here?

Although i did like you On "to catch a predator." You were good.

and please Don't laugh, ice t.

Because you are The least paid negro on n-b-c.

I know motherfuckers on b-e-t That make more money than you.

I think the person that makes The typewriter sound on "law & order"

Makes more money than you.

But they say old habits Are hard to break.

They said for the first season, Ice t kept getting in the back of the squad car.

But i just can't Get over seeing katt.

i mean, we see Katt williams everywhere--

T-v, movies.

I mean, be honest, Black people.

Aren't we glad we have Our george jefferson back?

Okay, now i know This is a roast,

But i don't want to hear Anybody in here calling me a nappy-headed ho.

There's only one Nappy-headed ho on this stage,

And that's carrot top.

Jimmy kimmel, You are the luckiest white man in america,

i swear.

Please introduce me To the motherfucker

That's keeping you on tv So i can suck his dick too. Please.

audience: Oh! Whoa! Woo!

No, if a black man was As unfunny as you are,

The highest he could be Would be eddie griffin.

I swear to god, yeah.

Oh!

And brigitte nielsen, I'd like to make this the first time

I ever thanked a white woman For taking a black man off the market.

Bitch, if you fucked flavor Flav, you don't got jungle fever, bitch,

You got ebola, okay?

I mean, does flav really Need to be roasted?

He's burnt already.

And i know black Is beautiful.

Motherfucker, you are Black, smutty and dark.

No, dark is dark,

But i didn't know shit Was a flesh tone,

I swear to god.

And not only are you dark, But you're skinny.

You look like...

Magic johnson should look.

( audience groaning )

Oh!

And flav's called Hisself a producer.

Since public enemy, You haven't produced shit

But eight kids By six different women.

You just like george bush, You refuse to pull out.

( cheering )

But, flav, in a very Very strange and sick way

i respect you.

1...You didn't Perm your hair,

You didn't put on a dress,

You kissed every bitch On the show

And after fucking you, All your ho's became famous.

So here's to you Tonight, player. Have a good time.

( cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

- Thank you for coming, baby. - Thank you, baby.

love you. Thank you.

Sommore is proof that If you take a raggedy car

And put a whole lot Of money in it,

You'll have A nice-looking raggedy car.

now, i'd like to bring things

To a screeching halt With our next roaster.

He's so white, Ice t would marry him.

Please welcome The least powerful man in show business--

- jimmy kimmel. - ( Pop music playing )

Thank you, tiny black person I've never heard of.

Um... By the way, Wasn't sommore terrific?

And let me say Not only is she funny,

But i love that song You did in the '80s,

"Word up!"

"it's like candy," You know what i'm saying?

It's great to see Greg giraldo... Somewhere.

Greg, you, uh, You killed again.

And, um... Again, It will lead to nothing.

What an honor to be At the roast of flavor flav.

What happened? Coolio said no?

Young m.C. Had a state fair He had to be at?

Brigitte nielsen Is here.

Her manager told me That they pulled her out of rehab for this.

It's good to have people Around you who care.

- It really is. - Thank you, thank you.

The first time i saw flavor Jump into brigitte's arms,

I thought--

Uh, originally, i thought V-h-1 gave joan embry a show from the san diego zoo.

One of the-- One of the charming things we learned from greg giraldo

Is that brigitte nielsen has A larger-than-normal vagina.

And i don't want To say it's big,

But i do want people Watching at home to know that

We're doing this show From inside it right now.

Ron jeremy is here tonight In the audience.

- he's-- - ( Cheering )

Yeah-- here to support his Twin brother lisa lampanelli.

I tell you, we feel A little handcuffed

Because it's hard To make fat jokes about lisa

Because she's lost So much weight.

Thank god For ugly jokes.

We're happy lisa's here. She almost didn't make it tonight.

Up until 6:00 This morning,

She was chained To a truck axle in michael vick's backyard.

Wow, look at all the talented, Talented african-americans in the room tonight--

Snoop dogg, Flavor flav, ice t.

If a bomb went off, You realize--

Well, if a bomb Went off, this would be the source awards.

This roast is Environmentally conscious.

It's comedy central's First carbon-neutral television show.

Hey, listen, Comedy central,

If you want to stop Polluting the atmosphere

Cancel "mind of mencia."

Thank you.

Tonight is a momentous Evening for flavor flav.

This is the first time He'll ever be speaking

In front of a room Full of white people

Without having to Be sworn in first.

Look at this dais. We've got, by my count,

Seven white people, Five black people.

Your honor, we find The defendant guilty as charged.

It's exciting. Flav's ladies are here in the audience tonight.

Um... Dat, hottie,

Toastee, sleepy, Dopey, slutty and doc.

all here.

they named the show "Flavor of love"

Because v-h-1 decided The original title--

"Black guy Impregnates 20 whores" wasn't catchy enough.

Did the whores Do something?

yes. Yes.

Yes, that'll change The perceptions about you.

another--

Maybe another season Of "charm school" is in order.

Anyway...

Let's see, where was i Before i was interrupted by those whores?

I want to talk about Flavor flav the man.

Flavor flav--

I have gotten to know him. He has a large wonderful family.

He has-- what is it, Seven kids or eight kids?

Seven.

You sure?

Seven kids with 14 different women. And...

And he's hoping-- You're hoping to have 10, three more, right?

- That's right! - Yes.

His kids names Are designa,

Kwan, shaniq,

William and karen-- Go figure--

kayla and karma.

And he has Two grandsons too.

And they each Have four children

And they each Have two grandsons.

Flavor flav is responsible For more homeless black children than hurricane katrina.

At the end Of the night tonight,

We're gonna hold you down And give you a vasectomy

Just for the good Of the human race.

Chris benoit is A better father than flavor flav.

( Audience groans )

Flav, i don't Know how old you are, but you don't look good.

When i first saw you Sitting up there

I thought it was An open-casket memorial for james brown.

flavor flav is So skinny and black,

He looks like A make-a-wish kid

Whose last request Was to try on a wetsuit.

You know, they say-- And this is what they'll say--

The reason that We're here tonight is to honor flavor flav,

But let's be honest.

I mean, this is a guy Who got famous for yelling

"Yeah, boy" On the stage.

He doesn't deserve To be honored.

Flavor flav Is the reason

President bush Doesn't like black people.

But we might as well Enjoy him now

Before oprah inevitably Has him destroyed.

Here's to you, flav! Flavor flaaaav!

( hip-hop music playing ) - I love you, jimmy, man!

flav: Up next, ice t!

Flav, hold your head down. Duck, take cover. It's about to happen.

flav: Brigitte nielsen! Jeff ross!

I'm only making fun Of patton oswalt this year.

They have, like, Liquid crystal clocks now.

You don't have to have That thing that you wind up. You're not amish.

This next man is a legend In the light-skinned black community.

If you think His acting is bad,

Wait till you See his comedy.

Ladies and gentlemen,

The original gangsta,

if there was none other--

Ice t!

( rap music playing )

This is some shit Right here, right?

You gotta let motherfuckers Talk crazy about you and just stand there.

I want to bust a cap In some niggas later.

There's gonna be some shit.

Look who we got Up here on the stage with me tonight--

Jeff ross, patton oswalt, Jimmy kimmel.

If it wasn't for white Boys like you, i'd have been a broke pimp, trust me.

Carrot top, Where the fuck do i start?

Eyeliner to muscles--

Looks like halfway Through your sex change

Your doctor just said, "Fuck it."

Brigitte nielsen...

I never seen brigitte nielsen Up close before. Damn.

I guess that's How you end up looking

When the guy that's Fucking you wears a clock

That's busting you in the face All fucking night.

Rupaul-- I mean, sommore...

You're the only bitch i know That can make a brother cut a conjugal visit short.

And i must be the only Black man in america

Who's never been inside Lisa lampanelli's pussy.

I tried to get in one night,

But the fire marshall Was in there turning niggas away.

My nigga, snoop dogg.

Congratulations...

On getting through The metal detector.

Snoop smoke so much weed That he farted during the commercial,

The whole front row Got the munchies.

Let me get to the man Of the hour--

Flavor flaaaav!

This is my man, You know what i'm sayin'?

And i must confess I can't go hard on flav.

Back in the day,

Me and flav,

We smoked a lot Of crack together.

Okay, i sold flav A lot of crack, all right?

People look at me, They say "o.G."

They look at motherfucker Flav, they go "oh, shit."

His name wasn't always Flavor flav, though, you know.

I'd known him way back. When we started,

He had other names like-- You know, he started off with

"Toasty toast," And "smelly stank."

And then we worked it up To "flavor flav."

And i love you, baby. You picked the right name. We goin' big now.

People want to always know About flavor flav's teeth.

let me tell you,

If you ate the type Of pussy flav ate,

You would want metal In your mouth too.

Flav gets A whole lot of pussy

And because of that, He got a whole lot of kids.

I know all his kids.

Flavor flav got so many Kids at his house,

So many damn birthdays,

Chuck e. Cheese just said, "Fuck it" and moved in.

"Flavor of love" girls Are here tonight.

Crowd: whoo!

ice t: I was in hollywood when they were doing the casting call.

They just had one question, And it said

"Would you be willing to eat A bowl of shit to be on tv?"

And the ones That said yes made it to the "flavor of love."

Flav is pretty smart And gives all the girls nicknames on the show.

That way their testimony Won't stand up in court.

but i gotta say On the strength of the love

That i got for you, Flavor flav,

You are one of my True friends in hip-hop. Snoop too.

And that means a lot, you dig? And i love you, man,

From the bottom of my Motherfucking heart, man. That's what's up.

( hip-hop music playing )

( Giggling ) Uh-oh.

The only guy Less talented

Than the next man On our roster

Are the 20 guys Who writes his jokes.

I don't want to say He's desperate for material,

But flav told him 9-1-1 was a joke and he tried to buy it.

America's oldest, Living comedian--

Jeff motherfucking ross.

( hip-hop music playing )

All right!

Yeah!

Keep it going For your host, d.L. Ugly.

Wow, it's like A crip bar mitzvah up in here.

How hard did comedy Central have to look

To find somebody more hideous Than flav to host his show?

all: aw...

ross: It's like a telethon for black leprechauns.

Any minute i'm gonna get A shot in the knee.

Couldn't they cough up Another 30 bucks

And get bushwick bill Up in this motherfucker?

But seriously, Katt, where are you? Where the fuck is he?

He's fuckin' hiding!

- man: he's right here. - Where?

He's hiding In the fucking cup?

Oh, here he is. Look at him.

snoop dogg And "ratatouille" had a baby.

What are you Laughing at, flav?

You look like Whoopi goldberg and gollum

From "lord of the rings"...

Had an abortion.

this is impossible.

How do you embarrass A crackhead who wears a viking helmet?

How do we roast charcoal?

Starving children Send you 50¢ a day.

And look, i don't watch Your show "flavor of love."

It's not my thing, You know.

If i want to see a midget Bang a bunch of hookers,

I'll go to a party At jeremy piven's house.

Flav, when white people Watch your show

They say "That guy's hilarious."

When black people Watch your show they say,

"I hope no white people are Watching this right now."

Let's face it, flav, You set african-americans back 20 years.

And you sent viking-americans Back 850 years.

But i've gotta Give it up to you, flav.

You are a ladies' man. Much respect in that department.

Flav has probably fucked More hot black pussy than

Robert de niro and Thomas jefferson combined.

( crowd groans ) - ( Man claps )

Is thomas jefferson here?

Well then, fuck him.

All the "flavor of love" Girls--

Give it up for the hot ghetto Mess up in here tonight.

yeah.

Delicious, safari,

The lovely lady Who crapped on the rug.

Flav was confused by that.

He thought she was Giving birth to his child.

Look at all these Gold-teeth diggers.

He went from chuck d To hep c.

Ladies, it's time To start thinking positive--

H-i-v - positive.

Let's face it, there were Enough yeast infections

In that house To open a pinkberry.

Yeah, i'm in it To win it, motherfuckers.

I gotta tell you, flav, Back in the day

I was the world's biggest Public enemy fan.

Me and my pals Would cruise around

Listening to your music, You know?

"Freedom of speech Is freedom of death," right?

"We gotta fight The powers that be."

That was awesome, Now look at you.

You sold out quicker Than the iphone.

But seriously, flav,

You're like family to me.

You remind me Of my uncle--

My uncle tom.

( audience groans )

Aw, come on!

In these sensitive times,

I'm not gonna Do racial humor.

Besides, the fact That flav is black

Is like the fifth thing That's wrong with him.

Come on!

We all know flav loves Sticking it to the white man.

And that white man Is brigitte nielsen.

Take a bow, babe. Take a bow.

Thank you.

I think we all know Who wore the condom in that relationship...

Nobody.

I'd rather fuck Leslie nielsen.

But this was fun.

They got me seated over Here next to my friends

Jimmy kimmel And kathy griffin.

Carrot top, you're busting Out of your clothes.

You're like The incredible hack.

Jeez, you're more ripped Than lisa lampanelli's pussy!

After last year's roast, I wanted to slap lisa for all the shit she said about me.

Then i remembered Dogfighting is illegal.

Sure, lisa's Lost a lot of weight.

That just means One less colt 45

One of these motherfuckers Has to drink before they fuck her tonight.

Ice, you look Fucking nervous.

i'm not gonna make Fun of you, ice t,

And your beautiful Wife, coco.

How's your son, Vanilla latte?

hi, coco. You look great, beautiful.

But tonight, flav, It's all about you,

Your amazing career,

Your five gold records,

Your three reality shows,

Your two bronze medals From the special olympics.

Anyway, it's been fun.

It's all for a good cause--

Child support.

feed the children! L'chaim!

I love you! Flavor flav!

- you're a fucking Awesome dude, buddy. - ( Cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

Thank you, brother.

flav: Coming up, brigitte nielsen!

I don't think he knows What he's in for.

flav: Carrot top!

I was gonna take this thing, Make into a pot leaf.

This is a microphone That had a bong on it.

- The curtains on Snoop dogg's bus. - Right.

♪ I'm snoop dogg, I love to misbehave ♪

♪ I'm in this motherfucker Rockin' for my homeboy flav ♪

♪ I got the pimp cup 'Cause this pimp's up ♪

♪ And his ho's down, You know the dogg pound ♪

♪ The snoopy d odeur, I get plenty of love ♪

♪ I'm rockin' this motherfucker Like i'm up in the club ♪

♪ But i'm standin' tall, I'm up against the wall ♪

♪ It's your baby rapper, Bitch, snoop dogg ♪

♪ Comedy central, y'all, With flavor flav, yo ♪

♪ Snoop dogg and i hold it down, I love the roast. ♪

( hip-hop music playing ) - ( Crowd cheering )

Our next roaster, a lot of People have said some pretty bad things about him.

But as a student of comedy, I find him to be "a" class.

i salute carrot top For his gumption,

Being willing to Show ellen degeneres and rosie o'donnell

What a real butch lesbian Is supposed to look like.

Ladies and gentlemen, Will you please give it up for carrot top.

( rap music playing )

You know what? Fuck all you people over here.

What the fuck did I do to anybody here except show up?

Good to see-- I got notes here, don't i?

Yeah, i got some jokes. These are gonna go great.

By the way, I'm not actually here for the roast.

I'm here to get My bike back.

Look at this-- we got snoop, We got flav,

We've got mr. T.

there's more Cornrows than nebraska.

And this isn't a roast, It's a backyard barbecue.

We should've Brought gallagher.

He could've brought A fucking watermelon.

- this would've been A great night. ( Audience moans )

Oh, fuck you! He used watermelon earlier.

Fuck off!

Last time i saw Ice t and flav side by side

It was in the 99¢ bin At wal-mart.

Ice t, your acting Is about as believable as jimmy kimmel's hairpiece.

and-- hey, i got one!

Hey, this is great.

So snoop's here tonight.

Somebody tell him-- Tell him he's here.

i, uh...

( Chuckles ) I wish i was as fucked up as him right now.

I saw your movie "Soul plane," by the way.

When they showed that movie On a united flight,

The passengers took over The plane and crashed it into the ground.

( chuckles )

Snoop's got the munchies So bad right now,

He'd eat Lisa lampanelli's pussy.

- that's exactly how-- - ( Crowd screeches )

But i actually like lisa. No, i like lisa lampanelli.

She's the only comic That drags a bigger box on stage than i do.

I like that.

Brigitte... It's nice to see brigitte nielsen here.

You know, you had sex With flavor flav.

How did you go from fucking Rocky to fucking bullwinkle?

Seriously, How did that happen?

I don't know.

Brigitte's crack is so old,

Ice t used to sell it.

but...

You know whenever You do one of these shows,

You know how they give you Gift baskets and stuff?

So i figured i'd go To my little prop trunk,

Try to find some stuff We have here.

This is cool. This is, uh...

This was just made For you today, snoop.

This is a snoop doggy dogg Tour bus.

When it's rolling Down the road,

Somehow, the smoke Comes out of there...

yo, we got any Music back there?

And you keep getting busted for Smoking dope, i made a bong that's got mirrors on it.

See, that way you can kinda Keep an eye on the cops.

That way...

keep an eye on it.

I should've started With the fucking props.

God damn it.

And this is actually Your new clock.

You're getting old, dude.

I made a little grandfather Clock for you to wear around your--

You're getting up there.

i mean that in a good way.

Oh, i got the official Jimmy kimmel cell phone too.

It's got really bad reception. Hold on a second.

Is anyone watching now? Is anyone watching now?

anybody watching now?

It's okay. Patton oswalt here tonight.

you were in that Movie "ratatouille,"

So i made you this Little dumpster.

It's kinda cute-- Little dumpster.

It's filled with Jeff ross's jokes, actually.

Actually, flavor flav, you used To live in this about two years ago, didn't you?

And there's some Of lisa lampanelli's abortions

Right there In the bottom of it.

Oh, this is flavor flav's First video.

Right before you Joined public enemy.

I think it's you Robbing a 7-eleven.

I'm not quite sure.

He's all, "give me The money, bitch."

Hey, flav, You have what, eight kids?

Seven, eight?

That-- these you don't Even know about.

Right here, these are the ones You don't even fucking know about.

Give it up for flavor flav. Flavor flaaaav!

( cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

I made you a clock.

There you go. It's got 15 minutes on it right here.

That's your new clock. You can put it on there.

Love you, brother. Have a good night.

I love you too, man.

Carrot top, y'all!

Williams: With our next roaster...

Drafted into The boston celtics in 1978,

Played power-forward for 13 Seasons and retired due to back problems in--

Oh shit, that's not larry bird. That's a big ho.

Ladies and gentlemen, Brigitte nielsen!

make some noise for her! - ( Rock music playing )

Hi, everybody, How are you?

( Cheering )

I think this is A great evening.

It's totally amazing.

i would like to repeat That i very happy that i'm out of rehab.

I can see you guys clearly, I hear you clearly

- and you are magic! - ( Cheering )

However, over here,

You guys besides lisa And obviously foofy-foofy,

You are a bunch Of motherfuckers, okay?

Anyway... Well, actually,

I may take My words back.

You know, i'm glad Jimmy kimmel is here

Because i was afraid i was Gonna be the only person

That's not a comedian.

but you know...

- ( cheering ) - Thank you.

I'm here to set The record straight

Between i, myself,

And flav.

I mean, people Ask me all the time,

"Did you actually Find flav attractive?"

Hmm, i wouldn't know.

I've only seen The top of his head.

But you know, um-- Ha ha, thank you.

When we were dating, You know,

I start calling Him foofy-foofy,

He was calling me gitta,

And my parents Stopped calling me completely.

yeah, not a good scene. Not a good scene.

Well, actually, I should say flav has done something for me

That sylvester stallone Never did...

He stole my car.

Yeah yeah.

You may have Heard that thing

That black guys got these, Like, big penises.

Uh-huh? Don't believe that hype.

Uh-huh. All right.

Okay, because I tell you something:

You better Listen up here, okay?

Because flav's penis, All right,

Is tiny, it's black,

It's cute. It's like katt williams,

But even funnier, You know?

Something like that, Yeah.

( brigitte laughing )

Do you know how Disturbing it is

To have a man yell "Yeah, boyeeee" during sex?

Oh! I kept Telling him...

- Yeah, boy! - ...Foofy-foofy,

You're not in jail anymore.

Whoo!

Right, honey?

Flavor, he's a romantic Guy, too.

So he actually Proposed to me.

He gave me a huge rock.

And then he smoked it.

Yeah, not good, Not good.

And of course, You all know,

I broke foofy's heart When i rejected him.

But he just doesn't know What a lucky man he is

Because this is Not only about love.

I gave him fame!

Mm-hmm.

- woman: yeah girl! - And i got him a show!

Yeah! Uh-huh!

But i'm a nice big mama.

I got all his little Prostitutes a show too.

Yeah.

You're welcome, ladies. You're welcome.

thank you.

Anyway, um...

So, flav...

Foofy-foofy, William drayton, mr. F.,

You are my soulmate.

You remember when We said that we were always gonna be soulmates?

I hope it's gonna Be like that forever.

I don't care what you Guys fucking think, okay?

I love you. And i love you too.

Thank you so very much.

( hip-hop music playing )

Flav: Up next, lisa lampanelli!

I should start shootin' smack After this night.

flav: Snoop dogg!

Patton oswalt!

I haven't seen snoop dogg--

I put a knife in his ribs Back in '89 and i feel terrible about it.

But we're beyond it now

And we can get together And laugh and love.

All right.

This next roaster is the voice Of the animated character "ratatouille"

And the star Of the upcoming movie "the 40-year-old toddler,"

Patton oswalt.

Please give it up for him, Ladies and gentlemen.

( reggae music playing )

Oh my god.

Thank you, Pimp-in-a-thimble.

ummm...

♪ Tiny little pimp In the thimble ♪

♪ Smacking his bitches With a daffodil stem. ♪

Mmm.

Oh my god.

We are here Roasting flavor flav.

you had your own show

The "flavor of love,"

Which i didn't-- i didn't Know syphilis had a flavor.

I had no idea. That was so odd.

And by the way, i don't Want to say that the--

The girls on that show Were skanky,

But there were times I would watch and i would say

Is this The "flavor of love"

Or "the island Of dr. Moreau"?

That is how fucked up--

Yes, an h.G. Wells reference At the flavor flav roast, ladies and gentlemen.

yes!

( Grunts )

Oh my god, ron jeremy Is in the audience,

But his cock Is on the dais. So that's...

Check out the dais. There's katt williams, ice t,

We've got ron jeremy In the audience--

Who is fucking skanks Right now?

Bill maher Must be exhausted.

( Applauding )

By the way, chuck d Wanted to be here tonight,

But the "d" Stands for dignity.

Flavor flav-- A black man in a viking helmet.

Even carrot top Wouldn't stick those two things together.

Carrot top is here Because he heard we were giving props to flavor flav.

So he wanted To make sure...

yes, ladies and gentlemen, It's a prop joke.

Carrot top, stand-- Look at you.

You look magnificent. Stand up.

Look, you're In amazing shape, dude.

you're all buff and cut.

i can't believe All those years

I could've been Doing push-ups,

I wasted my time Eating delicious food and writing jokes.

It's ridiculous.

All that time.

Do you make Those props yourself

Or does like a workshop Of unfunny elves make those?

Is that how that works? I don't know...

Jimmy kimmel Of course is here,

Or as the black people Call him-- "kimble."

( Oswalt groans )

This-- I mean, look, ice t, katt williams, snoop--

Lisa lampanelli just soaked That couch, by the way, so...

By the way, You are looking great.

Your tits now Look like my ass.

It's actually-- It's very nice.

There's all these Giant women here tonight.

Lisa lampanelli And brigitte nielsen

And chyna is here. Chyna.

And i-- i hate-- I don't wanna--

I don't want to get Romantic and soppy,

But i would love To crawl inside you like a tauntaun carcass.

Uh, flav...

You are truly A pioneer, though. You really are.

You went from saying "Fuck the white man"

To "i'm gonna fuck A white man."

And you went head first

Into brigitte nielsen's Pussy!

Where they filmed "The descent," ladies and gentlemen.

and you went in fearlessly

Into that yawning Hell-cavern

Full of stalactites

And devil bats.

That huge...

Death snatch That's claimed the careers

Of sly stallone And dolph lundgren,

And last week, The entire cast of "the west wing."

10 men enter, One man leaves.

And that man...

Was flavor flav! Give it up for him, ladies and gentlemen!

( cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

Flav: Coming up, snoop dogg and lisa lampanelli!

- Hi. - How you doing?

- Lisa lampanelli. - What's up, lisa? How you doing sweetie?

- I'm a huge fan. - Pleasure, baby.

Forget that bitch.

williams: yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, This next roaster's marijuana isn't medical grade,

It's weapons grade.

Let's get him to the podium So he can exhale.

Ladies and gentlemen, The eighth wonder of the known world,

Snoop d-o-double-g!

( hip-hop music playing ) - ( Cheering )

Yeah.

On some real shit, I'm fucked up right now.

On the real though, Tonight has been real hilarious,

- You know what i'm saying? Y'all wanna hear a joke? - All: yeah!

- knock knock. - All: who's there?

A nigga with a motherfucking Gun, that's who.

You get it? I got a million of 'em.

No, it's for real though.

It's about time somebody said Some gangsta shit up in here.

Hey, yo, Katt williams,

When did they start selling Pimp clothes at baby gap?

My nigga over there Drinking that hennessy out of that little sippy cup.

Hey, yo, carrot top.

That was some cool shit You did with the box with the smoke and all that.

That was tight.

But when you came up here, I was like,

"Who in the fuck let The bride of chucky up in this motherfucker?"

Hey, jeff, Don't laugh, my nigga.

You know i'm on your ass.

'cause you're ugly,

You're pushy, You're obnoxious

And you're a jewish dude That everybody hates.

You wanna be my lawyer?

y'all know jeff do these Specials every year.

It's like A holiday for him--

Bomb-kippur.

Yeah, nigga, i know Some jew shit too.

Patton oswalt or osbourne, Whatever the fuck your name is.

You look like One of the osbournes.

You look like Ozzy's little son, the little fat one--

The one that be on drugs, Then he be off drugs,

Then he be on drugs, Then he off drugs.

You look just like That nigga.

Now, the true player In the house tonight,

My homeboy, o.G., Ice t, Original gangsta.

You know, ice t been In the game so long,

They should just Call him "ice age."

I tried to listen To one of ice t's songs on the way up here,

But i didn't have No cassette player in my car.

Now when i seen you earlier, I thought you was throwing up gang signs at me.

But i found out It was just your arthritis.

I don't know nobody else Up there on the panel...

Except jimmy kimmel.

in the hood we call A condom a jimmy

Because jimmy's a scumbag And nobody enjoys it when he's on.

Now when they told me sommore Was gonna be here tonight,

I thought they said "Some whore" was gonna be here.

And they was right-- Lisa lampanelli.

Oh, lisa. Lisa, lisa, lisa, lisa, lisa lampanelli.

You know, lisa came up To me backstage, know what i'm saying, talkin' about--

( High-pitched voice ) "Snoop dogg, i'm one of your biggest fans.

Can you do your little Snoop-talk for me?

The izzle-fizzle And all that shit?"

And i said, "Okay, baby, sure.

How's this?

Bitch, i wouldn't eat Your nasty pussy for all the weed in compton.

Now what you need to do is get The fuck out of my dressing room

Before i beat The shit out of you with one of my shoes.

You stank ho...

Izzle."

It is definitely Some beautiful ladies in the house,

There's definitely Some beautiful bitches in the house,

And there's definitely Some beautiful ho's.

Speaking of-- Speaking of ho's...

Brigitte nielsen.

I saw you and flavor flav Taking a bath on tv...

But you motherfuckers Was washed up before y'all got in that tub.

What does that mean?

You're washed up. Like, it's over.

Now, flav... You know You my nigga, flav.

Me and you go back Like throwbacks.

I love you to death. I wasn't even gonna do this shit at first,

But i was like, "You know what? Fuck it."

you know?

Now i know you Expect me to come up here and talk about you,

But i respect you Too much, flav.

So instead of Going hard on you,

I put a rhyme together for you And i hope you like it, homey.

- ( cheering ) - ( Snoop clears throat )

Check it out. One, two, three into the four,

Flavor sittin' on his Brand new asshole they tore.

They haters got the nerve To come up here

And try to diss me,

But i'm an original And flav is...

Extra crispy.

He's dried out, ashy And wishes he was taller.

Flav, you look like one Of my blunts, except smaller.

I was talkin' To him backstage

And said, "damn, Your breath is smelly."

He said, "pardon me, dogg,

I just ate the pussy Of lisa lampanelli."

Flavor must have smoked Some indo that got laced.

How the fuck are you Gonna fuck a bitch with brigitte nielsen's face?

So, flav, Keep on chillin'

With you on Your 8, 9...

10, 11, 12, 13 children.

And if you fuck Brigitte tonight,

I got a bag Of penicillin.

( Cheering )

Nah, on some real shit, Flavor flav, seriously,

I love you. I love everything you do.

And if it wasn't For you, flavor flav, there wouldn't be snoop dogg.

I love you for being you At all times, my nigga.

( hip-hop music playing )

flav: Up next, lisa lampanelli!

Flav, i would lube up Pretty good.

'Cause lisa lampanelli...

and we got me-- Flavor flaaaav!

Yo, ron! This my mom.

- This is my boy, Ron jeremy, mom. - Nice to meet you.

- ( cheering ) ( Hip-hop music playing )

Whoo!

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to take a second and freeze yourself

And understand that you were At a comedy central roast

And saw snoop dogg Be 10 times funnier than any motherfucker up here.

- ( crowd cheering ) - Remember to mark that in your calendar.

Jeff ross has been trying To do that for 35 years.

Our final roaster has fucked More black men than equifax.

Ladies and gentlemen, Please give it up for the queen of mean--

Lisa motherfucking Lampanelli!

( music playing )

Oh, come on, Clap it up for mr. Hanky! Come on!

Jesus christ! Katt williams, you are tiny.

Stick around after the show, I'm gonna use you as a tampon.

It is an honor tonight to be Here at the comedy central roast of flavor flav.

And what a dais We have here tonight.

What a bunch of losers!

The last time i heard The names of these idiots i was playing trivial pursuit,

The no-one- Gives-a-shit edition.

But at least it was easy To find the place.

When i mapquested Directions,

It said go down ventura And take a left when you smell the cocoa butter.

I have on cocoa butter.

I love cocoa butter.

I love you, Katt williams.

I saw your h-b-o special. That was amazing.

I haven't heard the "n" word That many times

Since i told my father I'm banging a black man.

Katt williams uses The "n" word

Almost as often as Sarah silverman uses jimmy kimmel for airtime.

( Audience groans, Laughing )

By the way, black people,

Don't feel bad if you Haven't seen jimmy's show.

It comes on After lights out.

but enough about This colossal failure.

We're here tonight To roast flavor "flawv,"

A performer, a legend

And a family man.

Flavor flav is a father Many times over.

In fact, there're Many flav's kids as there are jerry's kids.

The difference is Jerry's kids have a brighter future.

What's with the clothes, Flavor flav?

I saw you On "flavor of love."

You looked like beef jerky In a track suit.

If flavor flav was Any smaller and darker,

Brad and angelina Would try to adopt him.

Dude, enough with the clock. You can take it off.

You haven't had to be Anywhere in 13 years.

Only a black person Could wear a clock that big

And still not be On time for anything.

I love flavor flav.

As you know, I bang the blacks.

My twat has been on More black guys' lips than purple kool-aid.

Don't you laugh, ice t.

As you all know,

Ice t is not only A mulatto rapper...

he is a great actor

On "law & order: Special victims unit."

Yes.

It's hard for ice t to play A black police officer.

Whenever he asks A victim what the criminal looked like,

The victim always Says, "you."

But enough about The negroes...

Patton oswalt is here.

Patton oswalt, Look at you with those tiny baby hands.

your hands are so small

You'd have to wear Boxing gloves to fist me.

Patton oswalt's face Is so beat up,

When he got Out of a car

I thought it was Britney spears' pussy.

Don't you laugh at An unfunny joke, carrot top.

you've got big muscles And a crappy act.

You're a bad haircut away From being joe piscopo.

Carrot top-- i used to think They called you carrot top because of your red hair.

Now i know it's because Everyone would love to see you

Buried up to your Forehead in dirt.

Fucking Rotten motherfuckers.

- ( cheering ) - No! No!

Jeff ross... You're A failure and you're nothing to look at.

Looking at you, it reminds me To shave my taint.

I joke. I love jeff ross.

But come on, you're A middle-age white jew

Sitting up here With a bunch of rappers.

I haven't seen you look This out of place

Since you were asked To headline.

all: oh!

Brigitte and i are friends. You were terrific.

Wasn't she great, folks?

- Aw. - ( Cheering )

She was as funny As she is relevant.

Brigitte, you're A good-looking woman,

But i have to ask you, How did you fuck flavor flav?

I've fucked more Black men than fema and i wouldn't touch him.

It's nice to see the "Flavor of love" girls here.

Aren't they beautiful? I love them.

( Cheering )

They look like The 3:00 a.M. Shift

At the jacksonville, Florida, waffle house.

We're here tonight To honor the urkel of v-h-1--

flavor flav...

A man who has gone From public enemy

To public embarrassment.

Flavor flav was a member Of public enemy when their first albums went platinum.

Sadly, his last solo effort Went paper mache.

In closing, flavor flav,

I'd like to be sincere And thank you for letting me make fun of you tonight.

You've been An amazing sport.

- ( applauding ) - And frankly,

On a personal note, I'd like to say

You are my hero.

You are proof That it's never too late to look for love.

You inspire me, flav, because if An odd-looking, shriveled-up california raisin like you

Can find 15 nappy-headed bitches To toss your salad...

( Audience laughing )

I gotta be able to scare up at Least one chocolate daddy to lick my asshole too.

Thank you and good night. God bless you all.

( hip-hop music playing ) - I love you. I love you.

Flav: Coming up, flavor flaaav!

And after i get roasted,

Yo boy is getting Toasted! Ha!

Ladies and gentlemen, He's an icon...

And an ex-con.

he's dynamic, Subversive,

prolific and a bunch Of other words

He probably Doesn't understand.

He is truly One of a kind--

Except for the crazy dude That's outside the liquor store at manchester and western.

He's in the house And out of his mind,

Ladies and gentlemen, A true superstar--

Flavor flaaaav!

( hip-hop music playing )

( cheering )

Woooow!

One time, Let me hear you say flavor flaaav!

All: Flavor flaaaav!

After listening to all These jokes about me, i just realized something:

I'm fucked up!

( Cackling )

Seriously, y'all, This roast reminds me of my show.

It's one star in the room Full of bitches!

All you roasters...

I'm about to give all you Nicknames like i be doing the girls on my show.

Starting with you, katt! I'm gonna call you sickle cell.

'Cause black folks

Is the only ones That get you! Ha!

( Cackling )

Yo, snoop...

Take the hood off your head, My nizzle fo shizzle nizzle.

I can't believe some Of the shit you said about me.

But let's face it, Homes,

This ain't the first time You got away with murder.

( audience groans )

Brigitte nielsen, yo, You know i respect you.

I value you as a person.

so i'm gonna call you

Titty mcgiant-jugs.

- ( Snickers ) - All right. ( Laughs )

wooooow!

- I love you, gitte. You heard me? - And i love you too.

Jimmy kimmel!

i'm gonna call you funny.

You should at least hear it Once before you die.

( cackling )

- Yo, jeff ross! - Right here, flav.

i'm gonna give you A rap name--

Old ugly bastard!

yeah, for real, g, You know what i'm saying?

Your jokes was Straight-up racist!

Simple and plain!

Motherfuck you And john wayne!

I just wanna say it's Been a great honor, man,

To be made fun of by all of These talented people up here. You know?

And i ain't gonna lie, man.

But i've been through some hard Times, you know what i'm saying, in my life.

But tonight, your man Flavor flav is back on top, baby.

( Cheering )

Thank y'all for coming. You know what i'm saying?

Yo, snoop, ice, jimmy, Carrot-- everybody,

All y'all, man.

I love y'all, man. Thank y'all for coming.

- Good night, y'all. - ( Cheering )

( hip-hop music playing )

Hey yo, check this out. This night was flav-tastic.

Flav brought that shit out Of me tonight.

I wouldn't do this For nobody but flav.

Is there a mirror somewhere? Let me look at my face.

It's really starting To make me concerned.

- Thank you all for coming. - Thanks for having us.

I love you. Thank you.

I love you, gitte.

The greatest night Of my life, hands down.

- They told me, "yo, Carrot top wanna come." - Yeah yeah yeah.

Like, "word! That's my man!"

I thought it was good. I thought there was a lot of positive things said.

Thought we came to some Realities, some truths.

I'm devastated. They were so darn mean to flavor flav.

Thanks for being A good sport.

Of course, I'm always good for it. No, definitely not.

- Right here, baby. Right here. - Lots of fun.

I got ripped more than usual. But you know what?

I can take it. No, i can't.

Thank you. I love you, brother.

Thank you for coming.

There was a few times I thought,

"Fuck that was Really rotten."

But you know what? It was fun. It was a great night.

I finally got To reconnect with my hip-hop roots.

You know, I come from the street.

I got a big hug from flav On the way out.

And he said, "You're the best. You were great."

And you what? He's fucked brigitte nielson

So he knows about Large white bitches, so i must be funny.

I had a lot of fun. Everything is great, you hear me?