Original subtitles

Thank you.

Twitch when you start to pray But they only scream when you look away

I am so...

This is the place?

So creepy.

Yeah, we actually have to stay here?

This place gives me the creeps. Come on, it's an adventure!

I feel a strange energy here.

You wouldn't have just left.

There has to be something here.

Guys, come take a look at this super psycho doll sitting here.

I found a homoerotic poem.

You sure your uncle wasn't gay?

Ew, that's gross, Betty. What is that?

Be careful, it's either Bigfoot bait or Bigfoot urine.

It smells like armpits and maple syrup.

Claw marks were found on the outhouse door.

That's where my poor Uncle Buck was snatched, I reckon.

What the?

No!

Put me down!

So that big hairy beast saw his keister and just couldn't help himself?

You betcha.

By the light of the silvery moon.

I got a full moon for you also.

Who Bigfoot better brace himself for these hot booties?

Come on, smack me, smack me.

If that hot jock cornerback won't touch it, maybe another hairy beast will.

At least I was blessed with these.

It's Bigfoot, all right.

Yep, and he sounds so horny.

No one wants to see that.

Why the hell, Bucky boy, allow yous to prance around in his late mother's moo

moo?

God bless her.

I know, right? Let's go faster.

You're on.

Hey,

I'm trying to read.

Stop it. Don't get my comic book wet, Jane. It's the latest issue.

Time to go skinny dipping.

Let's tell the guys not to come.

We can have our own cookout while we sun ourselves topless.

What's the matter? Are you shy? I'm game.

Hot as balls out here. I'm ready to get wet. Cool off.

Holy hell, you see that?

Topless. Don't worry.

Bigfoot can't swim.

No way. Damn, it's like a dream.

What do we do? Paddle closer?

Yeah, but chill. Don't want to scare them.

Right. I hope the leeches don't try to...

crawl up my butt again.

Do you think I've applied enough sunscreen to my nipples?

I want to keep them as pink as possible.

Holy crap, look. Leeches. Look at that. No way. Leeches got him good. That's

hilarious. Oh, my God. No.

That's wild. Must have come from the shallows.

That's nothing. Imagine if Bigfoot snatched him. He'd be begging for

leeches.

Slimy suckers. Bigfoot would be a whole other hell.

Why don't you go on over there, brother. Pick them slimy suckers off. Score some

points. Hell no.

My butt is on fire! Mine too!

Okay, let's get this on before it gets worse.

Hold still, Tara.

The bites aren't even that bad, but I have to treat them all.

This will be good for all those marks the leech has left.

It feels better already.

I know that every piece of evidence is crucial to solving this mystery.

And to find out what happened to you, old Bucky.

But we all know how emotional I am, and for the record, what I'm about to do

might just be the domino that topples me over the edge.

It's time, Lesmerelda.

You know what? I bet Bigfoot's out here.

Bigfoot? Girl, you're crazy. No, for real. I had his kid more welfare checks.

You do Bigfoot for a check? That's nice.

Money's money.

All right, campers. Bigfoot encounter.

What do you do? Run! Yes, but not just run.

Zigzag. It confuses him. Cover yourselves with leaves. He smells fear.

And never stare.

No eye contact.

He takes it personally.

I can't believe my eyes, brother.

Should we choke each other's chickens?

You know, pretend it's one of them doing it instead?

What the hell is wrong with you?

This is so peaceful.

It really is.

I could stay here all day.

Let's get a closer look.

Careful, don't tip us.

Hey, see those two rednecks fishing?

Hot ladies on this lake? Get real. Could be Bigfoot skinny dipping.

Yeah, I wonder what they're catching. Probably just beer and stories.

Big foot in a bikini I'd pay to see that hot damn. Yeah

Holy

crap you see that

Should we choke each other's chickens

Let's see how you like my little babe.

Ooh, yeah.

Nice and creamy.

Now all we have to do is wait.

I know it will be tonight.

On the sturgeon moon.

If we had any chance of catching this sexy sasquatch.

If only Uncle Buck was here, he'd be so proud of me, doing all the dirty work

while I should be in bed, applying more mascara.

Oh, I miss you, Uncle Buck.

You used to do all the labor, set the traps, rake the yard, but now it's me.

But I do appreciate the house you left me in your will.

You had no family, except for me, Norbius.

And it doesn't matter if I am your third cousin twice removed, planting Bigfoot

bait six yards from where we buried you.

Which saved me money on the plot.

I just hope tonight's the night Bigfoot reigns supreme.

And I will be the one to cash in on the $5,000 reward. And maybe it will solve

the puzzle of those hikers, townies, and tourists alike.

All 18 that went missing.

It's up to me, the smartest one in town, to solve the riddle. Here I come.

Oh my god, did you see that thing?

It was right there watching us.

I felt its eyes on me. It was disgusting.

And then it chased us. I can't stop shaking.

And the leeches, I can still feel them.

This place is a nightmare.

We have to get out of here before it comes back.

Weapons won't help us. Everyone knows Sasquatch is from the supernatural

spirit world.

Okay, but first I'm gonna invite those Hicks in to rub some ointment on our

bodies. No!

It's time, Lesmerelda, to open the letter from my niece.

Time to do it, Marvis.

Why not, Lesmerelda?

Because it could upset you.

But Lesmerelda, you know that I've improved.

I get handled news sometimes.

But she's the one who might have the answer to how your lover died.

Oh, Lesmerelda, you think so?

Yes.

Well, then I guess I should open it and read it right away.

Dear Uncle Morbius, I know that you and my Uncle Buck were lovers, and I kept it

a secret. I never told my Methodist family, because I love you, just the way

Uncle Buck loved you. I mean, not in the same way, but you know what I mean.

I just want to come and see you. I want to see Uncle Buck's old place. I used to

grow up there, spend summers there, play in the yard, catch lizards, and, well, I

just think it might bring closure to everything that's happened.

So, if it's all right, if you don't mind, I'll just stop by, maybe with a

couple of my girlfriends, and we'll just catch up on hot gas, have a glass of

wine, pop some marshmallows.

play a board game, and then we'll be out of your hair, I promise.

I also want to just keep a few things from Uncle Bucks, you know, some of his

hunting rifles and hides and tourniquets and whatnot.

All his strange, bizarre medical supplies. You know I'm studying

medicine, right?

Well, anyways, I'm at the end of this page, and I can't afford any more

stationery. So goodbye, your dear friend and loving niece, Betty Ball.

Oh, it's way too much information.

I tried to warn you.

No, you didn't, Lesmerelda.

Yes, I did, but you're so self-obsessed, you never listen to me.

Lesmerelda, it's just my niece, Betty.

She's got a knack for these sort of things. She's been interested in the

Bigfoot legacy.

Don't say that to me.

I'm sorry, Esmeralda.

It's just, I'm at that age where I'm getting hot flashes and I don't know

what to do.

My pits are sweating already.

How big does this hole need to be to contain him?

Okay, okay, it's done.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

Watch out.

Quit messing around, girlies. We got serious work to do.

When you're done with that, will you gather some pine branches to cover this

trap?

And give me that Bigfoot bait to spread over it.

Where do you think they come from, brother?

City folk.

It's obvious.

Maybe the U.S. Army sent them.

Maybe they could be our new allies and we could all hunt Bigfoot together.

All right, let's get this party started.

Yeah, Bigfoot, show us your moves. Come on, you big furry thing.

Ooh, you're a smooth dancer.

Don't be shy, big guy.

One more spin.

Something ain't right about this.

Yeah, especially that they're colored one. Don't you know it's a sundown

state? Even if it's a crime, she still looks fine.

That's too much woman for you to handle.

Shoot, they're looking this way. Don't move. Females' eyes are too weak to see

us. Maybe they got special powers, x-ray vision or something.

Let's get... No, brother. Let's be men. Face the problem head-on like Daddy

taught us.

But I never interacted with lady before.

That wasn't family. I swear we're being watched. Or sniffed. I can sense these

things. Here come the honkies.

Oh, great.

Howdy, ma'ams. Sorry for spooking you all. I'm Clarence, and this is my half

-wit kid brother, Travis. Hey, now.

I'm a virgin, if any of you are interested.

I don't mind him. He sniffs paint.

We've been keeping a real good eye on old Buck's place.

We're just wondering why such pretty ladies are lurking here all alone in

Bigfoot country. That prize money's fair game.

Yeah, beat it, losers.

That's our prize money. We need that money to convert our mama's trailer to a

double wide.

We ain't scared of no white trash creepers.

You heard her. Get lost.

Wow, little girl with a big mouth.

You pretty blondie, what are you doing hanging out with that other race?

Don't she have plenty of gorillas she can hunt back in Africa?

Funny, because the only signs I've seen posted were Bigfoot wanted posters.

You kiss your mama with that mouth?

Better hurry up and finish your racist rant. It's 1989, baby. The 90s ain't

gonna tolerate any redneck rebels.

We'll see about that.

You heard her. Times are changing.

Come on, little brother. Let's leave these ladies to do their women's work.

We'll bring them their homewarming gifts later.

Bring it on! Nasty. It's time, brother! The South rises!

This proves that he's out there.

Yes.

Are your groans?

Keep listening.

It gets better.

You're right. Do you want to hear?

Listen.

Listen closely.

Yes. He's getting turned on.

Yes, he is. He's... No one will ever think that that's a coyote or a dog or

even a bear.

That's a giant's whisper.

A giant woodsmoons.

Half man, half gorilla.

They won't know.

But now, with this new recording, and his soon

-to-be seaman, we'll get him.

Not to mention, eight weeks ago, we got what

our $8,000 Bigfoot urine trap

seem to have collected.

We don't have video evidence of Bigfoot squatting over this, but it was full,

and the BB-tweets were gone.

So I guess if I sent myself with it, he'll come to me.

He'll come to me in the night.

If the stars are aligned, which I know they will be because of the

Sturgeon moon,

Bigfoot will implant his seed into me.

And I will become implanted with the Bigfoot legacy myself.

I will be impregnated by the Bigfoot himself.

But it must be tonight, while my ovaries are fully open and moist.

So come, Dasmerelda.

Let's manscape.

I only have three dude wipes left.

What was that?

No, stay back!

Help!

That stings.

But hey, I'm thinking about a giant Bigfoot tattoo on my chest. Bigfoot?

Seriously? That'd be cute. Yeah, a whole scene with trees and mountains.

But I can't afford it yet. Save up. It'll be epic. Definitely.

500 bucks, I'd buy a new car.

First, we have to beat the rednecks. They're obsessed.

Right. With our style, we'll find Bigfoot first.

And get the money. Let's go.

The map shows the ruins here.

The terrain is rough. We need a plan.

We'll take this path.

Okay, this is the spot. We have to cross here.

Through the river, the current looks strong.

Okay, Bigfoot. The sightings are here in this valley. A sighting isn't proof. How

do we even track it?

We use calls.

They respond to those.

And traps.

We set them right here. We can do it. The lantern will help at night. Let's

move. But it's raining.

Perfect. Bigfoot won't be able to smell us as easily.

But what if we run into those rednecks again?

You flash him while I smash them. Right. Gear up. We move at first light.

I dare you to moan loudly for him. Shut up. Look, a pile of bones.

Wow, we found his feeding grounds.

Yep, we're standing in it.

Great, can we go back?

No, we should look through them all and see if any of them are human.

Help yourself.

I gotta pee.

We need to be careful.

Look at all these bones.

This is creepy. What happened here? It has marks on it.

A three-toed beast.

Perhaps a descendant of the giant sloth.

These bones are covered in mud.

Look for anything unusual.

This one's been gnawed.

We have to keep looking.

You must be the grandmother of all these trees.

Give me the secrets to keep our sisterhood intact and not have our inner

organs fly freely from Bigfoot's wrath.

This is gross.

We should have brought gloves.

At least it stopped raining.

Let's scare Jane.

Fling a femur at her.

What are all these slimy pine cones doing in here?

They're like corn kernels, hard to digest.

Thank you, ma'am.

I shall now return the blessing by marking my territory here.

To protect you from his vengeful claws.

Jane?

Haha, very funny.

Thank you, sir. How thoughtful.

Jane?

He's here. I've made contact.

Run!

I'm so sick of this gay parade every morning.

No, stay back!

No,

get away!

No!

A Bigfoot baby? That'd be kind of cool.

Yeah, but it'd be hairy and wild.

True, but it'd be strong. A good protector.

and destructive.

Remember the yard?

Why is there Bigfoot hair in the dryer?

This is Lent.

This looks like Bigfoot hair.

What could this mean?

What is the universe trying to tell me?

Was the whole Bucky boy cheating on me with Biggie?

Kind of turns me on, but kind of insults me. Was I not enough?

Uncle Bucky really doing...

Bigfoot's laundry?

He doesn't even iron my sweaters when I ask him.

Oh, Dag Nugget, Rocky Boy, why couldn't you just take care of yourself? You'd be

here with me. We could have a threesome with Bigfoot. I don't care. I just miss

you. I miss your hairy, sweaty chest pounding on top of me.

But now that I know you cheated on me with Bigfoot.

My new mission will be to find him, bound him, tie him up, and forcibly

sodomize him until he is mine.

And all mine. And I will domesticate him, as well as breed him, and we will

have our own Bigfoot pups.

And you won't be around to be in the family photograph or take it, because...

You're crippled six feet under.

Rotting away.

Some people that are into that might hump your carcass, but no, it's been so

long, not even the worms want to insuminate your celestial soul.

Oh, Bucky, I'm getting poetic again.

I just want to live in a world where I don't have to hide from Bigfoot every

day after school.

That's wishful thinking, Cassandra.

All right, let's get this adventure started.

Oh, I am so ready for some fun.

I feel the good vibes already.

What a perfect day!

A Bigfoot baby. Think of the pros.

It'd be super strong. Never get bullied.

Yeah, but the cons? Diapers would be huge. And the smell?

Total con. Yeah, hard pass.

Okay, so the plan for tonight's hunt is set?

Yes, for the horny Bigfoot. We can't let him get away.

I brought extra lures. He's going to be so excited.

You won't know what hit him. Best birthday hunt ever. Totally.

So who do you think Bigfoot would want most?

Definitely her. Look at that ponytail. So wild.

Totally. Bigfoot loves a natural look. Hey, what does that mean? It means you

win. Spanking's for you.

This is the best party ever.

Mmm, these are so good.

Let's make it even better.

I'm in. More candy for everyone.

That hits the spot.

Yeah, nothing like it.

We should fill the pool up later.

Good idea. It's hot. Look, the dog's on the move. He's always up to something.

Okay, but seriously, who would Bigfoot pick?

Me, obviously. I'm the tallest.

No way. He'd pick me. I have the best snacks.

Please. He'd go for my dark hair. It's mysterious.

Yeah, right?

This is the best birthday ever.

Totally. These candies are amazing.

Who's up for some fun games?

I'm in.

Let's start with a dare.

Who do you think Bigfoot would want most?

Probably the one with the sweetest treat.

No way. He'd pick me. I'm the sweetest.

Let's see.

Bigfoot spanks like this.

Ow! Okay, you win. See?

I'm irresistible. Let's test that.

Okay!

This is so good.

Right? Best idea ever.

Anyone want a sip?

Yeah, pass me one.

This party is the best.

Who do you think he'll pick?

He has to pick me, obviously.

No way, he wants me!

Maybe I want all three!

Oh, you do? Here, have a lick.

Let me try.

This is the best party ever.

I don't believe it.

All the bait is gone.

Bigfoot's been here.

Yes.

Oh, Bigfoot semen.

He's doggone humped our tree, Uncle Buck.

You should be proud.

This means we finally have a DNA sample.

And an embryo can be formed.

I got 16 ml.

That's more than enough to inseminate our eggs.

The ones we found deep in the wood by the plot of land where you wanted to

build our lake house.

Oh, I'm not complaining. This miner's cabin is plenty.

But we did it, Buck.

We have our semen sample.

And now...

of my evil sister's laboratory background, we will start our Bigfoot

baby farm and cash in and become catrillionaires so that

we may fund our strap-on factory and brand,

Cosmopilot. I still like the idea, and I'm trying, Buck, but the sex market is

just so overrun, so many products, I just don't know how we're going to slip

in. Forgive the pun.

Anyways, the Bigfoot bait is gone. He's definitely humped this tree and given us

our sample, and I'm just so confused about the Bigfoot ingredient.

The bait. How did you make those ingredients to the Bigfoot bait, Uncle

Buck? It smells like peanut butter and armpits. I just can't get it right.

You think I should really spread my legs for Travis?

Clarence said he'd fix my catalytic converter, but I don't trust neither of

them. You'd best lay off my man's little brother, unless you fix him for some

trouble.

This is the best summer day ever. Totally. These popsicles are amazing.

Totally. Yeah. The vibe's perfect.

And the company isn't bad either.

Okay, but what if Bigfoot is out here?

He'd totally love to see a skinny dip.

We must be turning Bigfoot on.

Yeah, perfect for mating season.

Let's give him a show.

This sun feels amazing.

Mmm, perfect day for it.

Grab me one, too?

You got it.

Wakey, wakey, sunshine!

What the hell, Clarence?

Bigfoot urine, buddy.

Bigfoot what, you sick bastard?

Keeps you sharp, man. Sharp? I'm soaked in piss.

Bigfoot urine? Just having some fun, buddy.

Fun? I'm soaked.

Look at you.

We got a semen sample.

Don't ask me how I got it, but this is a major breakthrough.

A semen sample? What the hell, Clarence?

I just need a few more gallons to get started.

Clarence, what the hell are you talking about?

Bigfoot breeding, Travis.

Super soldiers. We're going to be rich. You're out of your damn mind. We're

going to breed Bigfoot for profit.

Bigfoot, you're crazy.

It's science, our future.

With that, you're hungover. This bastard proves it. My secret weapon, just a few

more gallons.

Whoa, wait, you're serious? I'm in. Yes, let's do this.

This is the breakthrough.

We're on our way, baby, to the world's first Bigfoot baby farm, a family

business. And you're gonna do as I tell you if you ever want your bank account

to see triple digits like mine is. Well, then come on, moneybags, buy some more

poppin' cigarettes if you're such a big-time baller. It's simple as I have

demonstrated. All you have to do is mix them two liquids together, and soon you

got a Bigfoot embryo. Let's get out there and get more quantity! I need more

sleep, man. You wake me up too early. Quit dreaming about those college hoes.

Why are you taking credit for all this? I know you stole all them plans from

Bucky's boyfriend.

And I'll blackmail him if he ever says anything with all the naked photos I got

of him last summer.

The South will rise again!

What the hell? Ain't that a Canadian flag, bro?

Stop splashing me with that pee-pee. It ain't funny anymore. You're wasting it.

You think I waste the real stuff on you. This is my own urine for the

demonstration. It really is his jizz, though. Now, come on. Put your diaper

on. We're going fishing.

I'm ready to get wet.

Let's make love in the water.

Whoa, you see that?

Yeah, what is it?

Looks like something's moving out there.

What if Bigfoot was your man?

Oh my God, that's nasty, all that fur.

But he'd keep you warm at night.

True, but the smell.

Pass me a drink.

Happy birthday. Come on, celebrate.

Those awful neighbors.

Oh, fine, but I'm not singing.

You will. Here, have some candy.

All right, cheers to me.

To many more.

They just party every weekend.

I can never get any sense of peace around here.

Look at those little tarts, just prancing around in their undies.

I better call the sheriff.

Sheriff's office, Hanky. Yes, officer, this is Norbius Baum.

At 3-2 Mayfield Drive.

Look, son, if you call here again, I'm gonna put you in my giant slingshot and

make sure you get flung back to Gayland, USA, where you belong.

Oh, no, not that fudge packer again.

Do you know how many indecent exposure complaints we have because of you?

Twenty-seven.

Twenty-seven, and you're not concerned?

It's down from last month.

Unbelievable. Yes, this is another noise complaint.

Well, it happens every night.

I'm tired of this malarkey. It's just getting old, officer.

You need to have your men.

Come down here and arrest these little bikini-clad ladies.

I'm tired of looking at their bare flesh.

I'm trying to make spa water and meat and potatoes, and this is just such a

distraction. This town ain't fancy enough for you.

I'm sick of tiny grievances.

They've been working on the same music video for days now.

It's getting old. Isn't there some rule that after 5.30 p.m. that everyone

should be quiet? You're lucky. I don't want to arrest you for a prank.

Just get off your lazy ass and do something, officer.

That baby man needs a spanking.

Are you going to do it yourself, or do I have to?

It's still an ongoing investigation, but I'd sure bet the fruit boofer played a

big part in his boyfriend's disappearance.

Well, aren't you Uncle Buck?

Who wants to know?

I'm your niece's friend. You best get.

It's my land.

You're trespassing.

And I know my rights.

Do you think I've applied enough sunscreen?

My skin is so sensitive.

Race you to the water. Last one in buys drinks.

Go for a drive!

Shotgun!

This car is a vibe. I know, right? So much fun.

This is perfect.

You are perfect.

I love this.

And I you.

I'll give you a full moon.

This view is incredible.

Let's hit the slopes!

This is so fun.

Best day ever.

Wow, look at this view.

It's incredible.

So beautiful.

I can't wait to ski down.

Yeah, a big hairy creature. Creepy.

They say a yeti lives up here.

A yeti? What would you do if we saw it?

Ski away fast or ask for a selfie.

I'd talk to it.

Look, Betty. A yeti.

Looks like he's staring right at us. You two have fun. I'll be down at the lodge

sipping hot chocolate.

Okay, it was just a nightmare. You're safe.

Uncle Buck was gay?

Who is that with him? Oh my god, look at them.

They think they're so cool.

I know, right?

The makeup and the leopard print.

It's just... a lot.

Okay, but what if Bigfoot actually, like, kidnapped them? You know, for a

mate or something.

Oh my god, stop. That's so messed up. They probably just ran off together to

escape all the small-town gossip.

Oh my god, we were so wasted last night. I know, and now we have these stupid

Bigfoot tramp stamps.

Oh, it's so embarrassing. Let me see yours. Fine, look at this dumb thing.

It's huge.

Mine's just as bad. We're idiots.

This is so peaceful.

I know, the sun feels amazing.

We should swim later.

Ah, what now?

I can smell their sizzling skin from here.

Why are these teeny poppers always laying out?

Dang, they're hides!

It's such a distraction, reminds me when I used to be straight.

I'm gonna file a complaint with HOA.

Get me the phone!

Yes, this is Norbius Baum.

I need somebody with some guts to come round up these little teenagers. They're

soaking up the sun in my front yard.

Well, the boundary of my front yard.

These little girls shouldn't be out there. It's going to lure in Bigfoot,

don't you know?

He's got a thirst for blood, and the sturgeon moves upon us.

Someone needs to tell them.

I rarely step outside these days, so if someone could just let those little

girls know that they don't want to be lunched.

Have them get taken. Please, officer.

Take them to a home, a shelter.

No one wants to see that.

Are you?

Stay back!

Nothing beats a cold one. You said it. This is the life.

Gonna grab another.

Look at all this junk.

Yeah, but it's our junk.

Damn truck. We gotta keep moving.

Yeah, but which way? This path splits up ahead.

Left. The sun's that way. We can find a road.

Alright, lead on.

Holy moly, you see that splash?

Yeah, like a hot lady cannonball.

Yeah, I saw it. Must be them hot ladies.

Hotter than a $2 pistol. Maybe it's Bigfoot.

Bigfoot with a bikini. Now gonna be rich and famous.

That's hilarious.

But imagine if Bigfoot's snatching hail.

Should we choke each other's chickens?

own business go back inside no come on the neighbors are starting to

stare let's just come come inside okay no this way this way oh hi

hank yes it's bigfoot no no don't worry

about it i'm so sick of this gay parade every morning people are just so nosy

come on come on

You're mine now, Bigfoot.

You're mine.

Sit down, you big hunk.

You're mine now.

You're not going anywhere. You're in my domain.

You want to get in Norbius Bones' domain?

There's little chance of getting out alive.

I'm the villain now.

It's you that should be worried.

Because I've...

Got some kinky fetishes in store for us, and I can see that you're just a docile

good boy.

Let's take this rope off you. You don't need all this.

Look at you, my new handsome friend.

Oh, I'm sorry I yanked you around out there, and forgive me if I was

too rough on you. I thought you were the female one, protecting your young, but I

can tell that you're quite the male.

This is my home, after my late great husband mysteriously disappeared.

You don't know anything about that, do you?

Oh, God bless him.

He was in love with your lore, and now he's gone, so I'm single.

And I love a bear, even though you're a monkey man.

I guess there's no real...

name for your breed or kind or animal or if you're mostly human or what, but I

love a good picnic and The plan now is to Transfer

my seed into you because Desmerelda told me that

Bigfoot species Are backwards and it's the male that

Carries the womb

and delivers in only 14 weeks.

So is it true?

From the looks of it, it looks like you're the one inserting, not being

inserted to, if you know what I mean. Stay right there. There's just something

I have to do.

I have to take a scientific measurement.

You don't mind if I inspect you and peel some of that fur apart?

Woohoo!

I'm getting too terrified.

In a good way.

Okay.

Time is of the essence.

The full moon will be in four hours. We have to hurry.

All I need you to do is to put this on.

So I'm not exactly sure if it'll fit.

Buck bought it for me, and I'm more a narrow leg, but you've got some meat

hunks on you, boy.

And so, if we could just stick this on somehow, I mean, I don't know if it's

gonna get your big foot through that strap or what.

Oh, never mind this.

Maybe I'm coming on too strong too soon.

Forgive me.

Buck always scolded me for my...

sexual advances. On our first date, we tried to storm into the KY factory and

see how much lube we could spread all over each other and then go down the

street to the neighborhood slip and slide and swim right to the corner store

where we bought our favorite chewing gum.

What do you say? Let's just cut the small talk and get right into it.

Twisting!

It's going to be so sexy.

And since I'm celibate and sober, this is the only way I know

to get aroused.

You don't mind if I give you a little smooch on the cheek?

This is the life, right?

Hell yeah, nothing like a cold fresca.

And this good boy.

He knows where the party's at.

Where are you? Get off me!

Stop splashing!

You're ruining the party!

Girl! Fine!

Let's party, you big furball!

I'm so happy Bigfoot killed Tanya Stevenson.

No way, that cheapo.

She totally had it coming. No, get away!

Help someone.

Oh my God, you guys, Bigfoot killed Tanya Stevenson.

No way, that cheapo had it coming.

Seriously, Bigfoot, what a way to go.

Good riddance, she was the worst.

What a cheapo.

Did you see that shadow?

That's my twister, Bigfoot.

I'll go first.

What's it gonna be?

Left foot red.

Okay, your turn.

You gotta spin it and then do what it says.

Put the corresponding hand or foot onto the corresponding color.

Good boy.

Oh boy, that was a tough one. Okay, spin the wheel, Betty.

Okay, just get over here.

Come to Noggy's ball.

Come on, get twisted.

Okay.

You're so good.

Your turn.

Your turn. Spin it good.

My turn.

That's what you're supposed to do, I think.

Here's the season, we're in the position already.

Almost, your turn.

Spin the dial and come to daddy.

That's right on my heart, baby.

Something I missed.

That big old keister.

There ain't no way I'm going to bear babies for screaming obscenity like

Hybrid. I didn't learn to read until I was 14, so forgive me. But this is a

comic book, and yes, you were created in this. I mean, long before you invented

time travel, of course. But something else sweeps over her besides nausea. She

edges vomit.

Mercifully. She absorbs enough of Bigfoot's mental ability to use it to

her mind shock and get her away from him.

Stay, Bigfoot, stay! Have you done enough? The horror shall now answer to

Bigfoot.

Without another word, Bigfoot flies off the face of the earth, leaving everyone

behind and blasting back out to space where he came from.

In his own planet, where baby Bigfoots run amok. And there's...

Plenty of Bigfoot banana bread for all. And they're working on a new blue

Bigfoot and some gargoyle-style Bigfoots and some Bigfoots that only eat string

cheese. I like her Bigfoot. I want Bigfoot. I empower Bigfoot, coupled with

my own being, to bring forth a race, a race of future soldiers that will save

America from the dream I had. But this is reassurance.

That you've also taken on the sweet neighbor children's form.

I wanted to roam and believe I was a beloved Bigfoot also.

But that dream was shattered by the illusion that I'm transgressing toward

womanhood now.

Now that I know what I am and able to manipulate my own bits,

I can spread forth all my seed into Bigfoot. And it's mystifying, the awe

and wonder of it all.

Just wait till everyone finds out. But I only have one relative. My estranged

mother. She's not going to like the news.

But I must call her.

So forgive me, Bigfoot, but... No, I mustn't. It's just too awkward. No one's

going to understand the love we have for each other.

Corbuck would roll over in his grave if he knew that I was humping him. But none

of that matters now.

And I'm a firm believer that you should rub up on anything man, woman, or beast.

that you see fit, and even though we haven't been able to fit you inside me

yet, there will come a day, after much training, that I will be able to absorb

your giant tree branch, and we will make our own hybrid abomination.

It will make me rich.

Everyone will want one.

Just picture it, you and I, our DNA fused together to make the perfect

little furry baby.

Can't you see it? Just close your eyes and imagine, darling, a little pup. Do

you want a boy or a girl?

Maybe it'll be a Hermie.

Then we can douse it in maple syrup and molasses and watch all the neighborhood

dogs chase it around and watch it retaliate and poke their little eyes out

and grab their tails and... Can't you see it now? It's a blessing, Bigfoot. It

really is. A blessing in disguise.

And all we have to do is live here in Uncle Buck's cabin for eternity

together. It's going to take me an eternity to pick out all the mites from

your fur.

But someday...

We will become one and drink the poison so we can die together and live happily

ever after in the celestial kingdom.

Another one? All right, where?

Helen, get the team. Another sighting. Right away, Sheriff.

Let's roll.

Bigfoot? What about him? But Sheriff, if Bigfoot dies, so will half this town's

economy from all the fanfare and tourists who come here and get swept up

in the craze. The economy? That's ridiculous.

It's true.

No more fans wasting their money on Sasquatch crap.

Why did we both get a giant Bigfoot tramp stamp tattooed above our butts?

Bigfoot made us do it.

Why is life so disturbing suddenly?

I don't know.

It's all so messed up.

Why did this happen to us? I don't know.

We'll get through it.

All right, campers. Bigfoot protocol.

If you see him, what do you do? Come zigzag. Yes, but also throw your socks

at him. He hates feet. And if he gets close, sing show tunes.

Loud and off key.

Got it? Good. You're ready.

Now, let's practice.

the camp killing all the campers whoa

look at him i can't believe my eyes

little brother me too but i'm here thank you never we're in this together

think the pool needs more water

yeah maybe later this is perfect hmm this hits the spot right we should grab

another Good call. This heat is killer.

Yeah, but this makes it bearable.

Totally. Here's to summer.

Dang prank calls.

This town.

But Sheriff, if Bigfoot dies, so will our tourism no more fanfare?

Sheriff, we need help. Now!

I'm on it.

This is awesome!

Stop!

I'm on it. No!

Damn it, Sheriff.

Even the Bigfoot MILF hunters are doing more than the police force around here.

All right, ladies. Tonight we find Bigfoot. Hell yeah! Our swamp sweat

scent will draw him right out.

Your son's gonna be so mad his mom beat him to it! Let's go get him! Into the

dark! Damn right!

Let's go get him!

Sheriff's Department?

Sheriff's Department here for a welfare check.

Mother,

it's your son.

Morbius Baum.

The one and only.

It's me, Kevin, Mom.

Don't worry, Kevin. The entire congregation at First Baptist is behind

me in all this.

We'll never stop trying to pray the gay away.

Well, I'm a woman now, whether you like it or not, and what's more is... I

have a thing.

I don't know its gender.

We're waiting for it to decide.

Yes, I'll send pictures soon, but it's the cutest thing you've ever seen.

No, Buck is not the father.

I met a new man. Well, beast, I should say. But he's gone forever now, out of

my life. And it wasn't in complete vain being with him because a blessing came

out of it. A silver lining that I named... You

know you're the closest thing I ever had to a daughter.

I just wish you started taking the hormones sooner.

So you didn't look so awkward.

And together we'll go forth and be on talk shows nationwide. And when he grows

older, he'll probably resent his father and won't believe all the wonderful

things that I would say because he couldn't understand how he left his

mama.

But it's just baby Bigfoot and I now. Oh, I don't know why I called him that.

No, he's normal.

He's just very special and different. He's just so animated and chipper and

never cries and likes to climb up walls and lift furniture.

He lifted my new sofa six inches off the floor.

You know they say that homo ain't hereditary.

Well, I have to go now, Mother.

It's breastfeeding time, and you can imagine how hard it is for me to produce

an ounce.

Yes, I forgive you, Mother.

And we'll have a family reunion soon, and I just need you to promise me one

thing. Don't be concerned, son.

Don't you dare scream!

When I carry baby Bigfoot into the family barbecue, and you see the

horrendous hybrid that God has bestowed upon me.

I'll raise your weird, hairy baby.

I'll still love it.

I guess I'll just have to raise a mutant baby.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay. Take to the team.

Take to the team.

Take to the team.

Am I a genius or what?

I can hear him all day long and he can't hear me. I got the secret formula for

success.

If

anything

would happen, it would be tonight for the sturgeon moon.

Okay, let's just take a break. Spin the bottle. Who's ready? I am now.

That's the spirit.

My turn next.

Okay, your turn, Betty. Truth or dare?

Dare. I'm not kissing either of you freaks.

Fine. We dare you to go outside and moan loudly for Bigfoot.

Seriously?

It's almost time for a Bigfoot booty call.

Who's ready?

I am now.

Me too. Let's do this.

All right, here comes the Bigfoot special.

Oh, yeah? Prove it then. Bigfoot would spank you like this.

Did you see that?

It looks like someone in a cheap mask.

Probably one of those redneck goons trying to prank us.

Let's go after the creep.

I'm not doing that.

Whatever. Guess I'll have to tell the whole sorority that someone's too

chicken to tame the wild beast. Guess I'll have to.

Well, don't just stand there. Find a tree that Bigfoot humped. Collect the

sap. Bigfoot sap?

You're kidding.

Just do it. We need it. Fine.

Over there.

Hold it steady.

I almost got it.

Oh, no.

I'm going to be squashed by Sasquatch.

Don't smother my brother.

Don't smother my brother.

Uncle Buck?

That you, Tara?

My, you sure have grown.

You're alive.

And you're Bigfoot now?

Because this town wouldn't accept me as a bear.

But why? Why do you have to go around terrorizing the town, killing all them

people? Them yuppies are buying up all the lakeside houses, and my testosterone

levels are too damn high.

Did your boyfriend know? Where is he? I think he knew, but I was never sure.

A fantasy got to him.

The role-playing got out of hand.

Don't worry.

He's safe and sound back at our cozy den.

Cryogenically frozen in 10,000 gallons of high-grade maple syrup.

Forced into hibernation until I'm ready to elope.

The world's not ready for Mrs. Bigfoot.

Ready to shred?

Has anyone seen Betty?

No, she vanished. So strange.

I heard she was snatched by Bigfoot.

Bigfoot? Seriously?

Ridiculous. Stranger things have happened.

This is the best store ever!

Will that be all for you today?

I'm out of my mind.

Can't see, can't feel without a will to shake a swim or do a

thing very fast.

Oh, I can't feel those touch.

Cold soles or bones.

No, oh god, no