Original subtitles

- Night, Michelle.

Bob saget. America's funniest home videos.

[Upbeat funky music]

[Woman moans]

Oh, my God.

Male announcer: This is the comedy central roast

of Bob saget

with your roastmaster John stamos

and roasters susie essman,

Jeff garlin,

Greg giraldo,

Gilbert gottfried,

cloris leachman,

jon lovitz,

norm MacDonald,

Jim Norton,

Brian posehn,

and Jeffrey Ross

with special appearances by Lewis black,

Sarah silverman, and don rickles.

The comedy central roast of Bob saget.

And now please welcome your roastmaster, John stamos.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

Tonight we're here to pay tribute to an actor,

an author, director, humanitarian,

and incomparable showbiz whore.

I'm talking, of course, about Bob saget.

[Cheers and applause]

Now, if you younger viewers are tuning in

to watch Uncle Jesse help Danny Tanner

find a tender way to solve one of Michelle's problems,

go fuck yourself.

So the good news is,

we're here to bust saget's balls.

The bad news is,

it's yet another show starring Bob saget,

which means it won't be funny,

and it'll go on for fucking ever.

Now, let's take a look back at what Bob thought

made people laugh.

- You're now about to witness the strength of Bob saget.

Bob saget.

- Bob the comic, ladies!

Let's bring him back out!

- ♪ Bob saget, bitch, you better ask someone ♪

- ♪ who you rolling with? - ♪ Bob, Bob saget

♪ numero uno

♪ nobody does it better - ♪ who you rolling with?

- Hey. - Hey, Bob saget.

- Hey-oh!

- Oh, your dick is so big!

- ♪ I got a cock like a donkey, hard as a rock ♪

♪ and a trigger finger itchier than chicken pox ♪

- Come on, grandpa.

We want to watch Terrance and Phillip.

- No, we're gonna watch the Bob saget show.

- Hello and welcome to America's funniest home videos.

Gee, my name is granny, and I'm falling on my Fanny.

- [Laughs] - This guy sucks!

- Yeah, he's almost as bad as that guy on full house.

- You are full house daddy-dad?

- I was the full house daddy-dad.

The girls just mean so much to me.

- It's cool, cool, cool.

- And now we're gonna do what daddy always does.

Suck dick for coke.

- I seen him!

- Little bitch Kimmy gibbler.

I feel bad I banged her.

- You know how that feels, Mr. t.

- So they're all fucking each other, right?

All of a sudden, the kid can't take it.

Diarrhea starts squirting out of his ass.

It's like a hemorrhaging shit ass.

- You know what an ass shot of America's favorite dad

is going for these days?

What the fuck happened to Mr. Tanner?

What the fuck?

- ♪ 'Cause I'm a pimp, they see me rolling through ♪

- Oh my God.

- Hot 19-year-olds or 20-year-olds

are attracted to you.

- Why don't you show me your room, baby?

- Did you just get cock blocked by Bob saget?

- You don't exploit that, obviously,

in your personal life.

- I have met--

- [laughs]

- ♪ Bob saget

- thanks a lot. Good night, boys.

Excuse me.

I've got to go to my nuclear physics class.

Oh, you know what? I got to go on.

I'm sorry. I got people to entertain.

- Who the fuck was that guy?

- ♪ The illest motherfucker in a cardigan sweater ♪

- Night, Michelle.

[Cheers and applause]

- Please welcome our guest of honor,

the luckiest man and the worst entertainer

in the history of show business,

he's a huge asshole and one of my best friends,

Bob saget!

[Cheers and applause]

[Goat bleats]

[Cheers and applause]

- Hey, call me.

- Bob, I was with you for 192 episodes of full house,

and I can honestly say

you don't have a funny bone in your body,

unless, of course, you count the one time

you sat on Dave coulier's cock.

And by "sat on," I mean hungrily backed into.

And by "one time," I mean eight seasons.

You know, the whole time Bob and I were doing full house,

he was also hosting America's funniest home videos.

He did that show for so long, he can't get a boner

unless a six-year-old boy whacks his balls

with a wiffle bat.

What a tough gig that must've been, huh?

His entire job consisted of saying,

"take a look at this,"

which is what he used to say to Mary-Kate Olsen

in her dressing room.

Bob's last hbo special was called that ain't right.

Should have been called that ain't watchable.

That was the most pathetic piece of shit I ever seen.

And need I remind you, I did eight seasons of full house.

Bob, you're an undeniable success,

deserving of the millions of dollars

you lost in the divorce.

Bob, you are a class act.

And you've been there for me through the good times and bad,

and I'm so flattered that you asked me

to be the roastmaster this evening.

I think this is gonna be a great night for you.

I hope you have the time of your life, buddy.

- Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

- Enough of this sappy shit.

Let's get on this with this train wreck, shall we?

He's back again making his annual disappearance.

Please welcome the unknown comic,

one of my favorites, Greg giraldo.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

John stamos. Isn't he/she great?

John played the bongos in a beach boys video

wearing a pink tank top.

That couldn't have been any gayer

if George Michael was on your lap

stuffing crystal meth up your ass

with Rupert Everett's fist.

You're on er now, John. Congratulations.

You're like susie essman's vagina.

You're almost useless, but somehow you keep working.

John was married to my favorite supermodel,

Rebecca romijn O'Connell.

Jesus.

Holy.

John, you--

John, you lost your wife to the fat kid

from stand by me.

Holy shit.

Look at you, you greasy Greek bastard.

I look at you and I wonder,

how can there be an energy crisis?

We shouldn't be drilling in Alaska.

We should be wringing out your family's pillowcases.

Norm MacDonald is here, one of the funniest people ever.

Norm's got a giant gambling problem.

He's dropped more coin in a casino

than Michael j. Fox at a parking meter.

It's a fucking roast.

Groany-groan-groan.

Brian posehn, look at him, that giant fucking ghoul.

We've all seen you shirtless on the Sarah silverman show.

It's hard to believe you could be so out of shape

considering how often the townspeople

must chase you around with torches.

The great cloris leachman, of course, is here.

Cloris leachman, yup.

[Cheers and applause]

Cloris is so old

she lost her virginity to a druid.

What are you doing here, cloris?

You're the only person with any talent.

You won an Oscar and nine emmys.

When it comes to winning awards,

you've been more voracious than jon lovitz

at an all the dick you can eat buffet.

Jon lovitz, you fucking gay weeble.

Come on, jon, there hasn't been a more effeminate Jew

in the closet since Anne Frank.

Susie essman, look at you. You're a mess.

You're like screech with tits.

I guess cloris leachman is here to make you seem fuckable.

Gilbert gottfried's here. Gilbert recently had a baby.

Who would fuck you?

You have the sex appeal of a school bus fire.

Which brings me to the man of the hour,

Bob saget, everybody, huh?

Bob saget.

[Cheers and applause]

Bob--

Bob, you are a genital wart on the cock of American culture.

Seriously, who gives a shit about Bob saget?

With your long neck, pointy beak, and granny glasses,

you're like the vlasic pickle stork.

Except instead of delivering babies,

you're not funny.

You're like my seven-year-old son.

You think cursing is hilarious,

and you're not surprised your dick

is the same size it was in the first grade.

And where the hell are the Olsen twins?

The olsens are like tom green's testicles.

They look the same, but one is fake and empty inside,

and the other one's been licked by heath ledger.

He'd be cool with it, fuckers.

I read an interview where you referred to yourself

as an artist.

Are you fucking kidding me?

As an artist?

You used the phrase, "as an artist"?

You are a vortex of artistic compromise.

Charlie sheen watches you and feels good about himself.

You--

you are an artist in the same way

cloris leachman is moist.

[No audible dialogue]

You're not an artist, Bob,

and stop enjoying your ironic hipness

that's going on with you these days.

You're not cool.

Stop trying to be hip.

At one point in your act, you actually say,

"who's your daddy? Say my name.

Look me in the eye. True that."

Holy fuck.

I couldn't cringe any harder if I watched my mom

in a bukakke video.

I'm done being mean, Bob. I've met you a bunch of times.

You've always been hilarious and super cool,

and everybody that knows you loves and respects you.

Nobody ever has a bad thing to say about you,

and that's particularly surprising,

because you're Jewish,

and you're obnoxious people.

Thanks a lot for letting me do this.

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

- Greg giraldo.

[Cheers and applause]

Our next roaster brought Saturday night live

to a whole new level of funny

by leaving the show.

Tonight he's debuting a character he's been working on:

Sweaty guy with no jokes.

Ladies and gentlemen, please tolerate jon lovitz.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

Say, how funny was the new guy, Geraldo Rivera?

Yes.

I tell you, that's the first time I've been roasted

by an illegal alien.

You know, Bob's a good friend of mine.

He's probably one of my best friends,

and there's been a rumor going around Los Angeles

for the last 50 years that Bob is gay.

And he's not gay.

You know, he's got a beautiful wife,

beautiful girlfriend.

So I'd like to sing some songs now

to kill the rumor that he's gay.

And this first song is called Bob saget isn't gay

and hopefully will kill the rumors that he is,

which he is not.

[Clears throat]

♪ Bob saget isn't gay ♪

♪ the sky isn't blue ♪

♪ grass isn't green, and I'm not a Jew ♪

No, I'm kidding. Of course he's not gay.

But did you know that Bob's a gourmet chef,

and he's always in his kitchen cooking up something,

so I wrote a song about it.

It's called Bob saget likes it in his kitchen.

♪ Oh, Mr. Bob saget likes it in his kitchen ♪

♪ likes it in his kitchen, likes it in his kitchen ♪

♪ Mr. Bob saget likes it in his kitchen ♪

♪ kitchen, of course

♪ is code for butt

hey, it's Bob's code. I just cracked it.

Now, on a serious note, I knew Bob's father.

He's a wonderful man named Ben saget.

Ben saget was so proud of his son's success,

he wrote a book about it.

The book is a loving tribute from a father to his son.

It's called, my son the the fag by Ben saget.

"I knew Bob was gay when he was five.

"We were Jewish, but Bob was so gay

"he used to run away to church.

"He'd beg the priest, 'let me stay, and I'll do anything.'

"and then he'd say, 'can you blow out the candles?'

"and Bob would say, 'I don't know.

"Can you light your dick on fire?'

"Bob's so gay, his asshole is no longer a hole

but a smile."

- Oh, man.

- "Bob's so gay, when he plays cards,

"a full house is two dicks in the mouth

"and three in the butt.

"My son Bob is so gay,

"he wanted to rename his show, 1 vs. 100

"to stick it in my jellyfish ass till it bleeds,

"catch the drippings in a cup,

"pour them back into me intravenously

vs. 100."

I'd read you more, but it starts to get gross.

Good-bye, everybody! Good-bye!

[Cheers and applause]

- For your safety, please avert your eyes

and welcome the pork roastmaster general

Jeffrey Ross.

[Cheers and applause]

Wow, give it up for chachi.

Ladies, I spoke to flavor flav.

He said you can be on the show.

They're still here from last year's roast.

Wow.

I know this is a big night,

because cloris leachman put her teeth in.

Wow, what a legend.

Shakespeare did her in the park.

You look great, babe, not a day over dead.

She come her in a limo or a time machine?

Wow, doesn't Lisa lampanelli look fant--

oh, that's Jeff garlin. Sorry.

Norm MacDonald's so stoned

he thinks he's at a roast for Bob seger.

I love you, norm.

Wow, you never come out, norm.

You're like the j.D. Salinger of dick jokes.

Ugh.

Of course, Bob saget directed norm MacDonald's movie,

dirty work.

Yeah.

A move that transformed norm MacDonald into a star...

Bucks employee.

- Did you say something after "star"?

- What's the over-under tonight? What's gonna happen, norm?

- No, I wanted to read something funny,

so I'm reading marmaduke.

- [Laughs]

Oh, my God.

This is what happens when you book a dais off craigslist.

Jon lovitz, great job tonight.

Jon lovitz is single out there, ladies, if you're single.

Yeah.

Jon lovitz went on match.Com.

They paired him up with a couch and a bottle of hand lotion.

Yeah.

That's a three-way for him.

[Laughs]

And Dave coulier, in case you think

we forgot about you, we did.

Oh.

But, ladies and gentlemen, I'm here today

because I only roast the ones I love,

and I love Bob saget.

I love him--

I love him like a perverted Uncle

who pays for lunch

and then follows me into the men's room.

Bob saget is a sick bastard.

He has two daughters in college

and three girlfriends in high school.

Bob saget's girlfriend is so young,

r. Kelly wouldn't pee on her.

Most comics dream of performing

in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Bob saget dreams of performing in Hannah Montana.

Full house should've been called Blackjack,

'cause he hit on the olsens when they were eight.

He didn't stop till they were 21.

Is it true you used to give Mary-Kate acting lessons?

He'd tell her, "act like this never happened."

She'd be like, "you got it, dude."

Actually, Mary-Kate and Ashley

were supposed to be here tonight,

but they heard there was gonna be food.

And although Bob saget is not an insult comic,

I am insulted when people call him a comic.

But if some of us use dirty words as a crutch,

then Bob saget must be a quadriplegic.

- [Laughs]

- But here's one four-letter word

I know he's never heard:

Haha.

Bob, in case you haven't figured it out yet,

this isn't a roast.

It's an intervention.

You can keep doing drugs, but please stop doing comedy.

Please.

The people have spoken.

And, Bob, you may have noticed

I didn't use any curse words tonight,

'cause I didn't want to compete with the master.

Out of all the comics I know, you have the filthiest mouth

and the kindest heart,

and I knew there was no way I could top you.

But in honor of the late, great George carlin,

I would like to leave you all with another seven words

you can never hear on television:

And the emmy goes to Bob saget.

[Cheers and applause]

That's all I got to say,

'cause that's the punch line.

Bob saget.

[Laughs]

It doesn't even need a setup.

Bob, did you really need a roast?

Your career wasn't enough of one?

Full house.

Are you kidding me?

What the fuck was that about?

I think it's based on what passes through the brain

of a comatose child molester.

It was like watching a stroke in slow motion.

America's funniest home videos.

Were they, Bob?

Were they really the funniest?

How'd you do it, Bob?

How the fuck did you do it?

Why did you do it?

To make me feel better about my career,

which at that point was in the dumpsters--

I played pisshole clubs across the country--

so I can feel better about myself,

so I could think, "well, things are shitty,

"but at least I'm not saget.

"I'm just a stripper.

At least I'm not a whore."

Well, I got to go.

All the best, Bob.

And, stamos,

you are so gay.

I tried to get our next roaster's autograph.

Then I realized she wasn't gene Simmons.

Please welcome the least attractive cast member

on curb your enthusiasm, susie essman.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you, pretty boy.

I had no idea, John, you had such a sharp tongue.

That must really hurt saget's ass.

You know, Bob, I was talking about your career the other day,

and out of nowhere, a fat lady started singing.

It was so weird.

Most of you don't know that Bob

is the complete opposite of his image.

His image, by the way, is funny.

Jeff, my darling husband-- not in real life.

But you know, you know I love you.

People are always fascinated by Jeff,

and they're always asking me, "is Jeff really fat?"

No, the camera adds 465 pounds.

Doesn't matter. You're funny.

Doesn't matter if you're a fat fuck,

'cause you're funny, right?

That's all that really matters.

Lot of funny here.

This dais is graced with many, many fine comedians

and Bob saget.

- [Laughs]

- What do you get when you cross Gilbert gottfried

with Jim Norton?

I don't know, but you wouldn't want to fuck it.

Greg giraldo: The reason vaginal dryness was invented.

Stamos, you're doable, but I wouldn't,

because you're one of those narcissistic good-looking boys,

like the kind of guy who calls out his own name

when he's cumming.

Let's face it.

The only one who's getting screwed tonight

is Bob saget.

Bob is one of those people who every time you see him on TV,

you think, "whose dick did he suck to get that gig?"

You know?

Bob spends more times on his knees

after a big audition

than Mary-Kate does after a big meal.

Bob will do anything for money.

That's why he's always getting into cars

on Santa Monica boulevard.

And for years, I thought he just needed a ride.

You know, I'm such an innocent.

You know, and I met your girlfriend.

She's lovely.

And one good thing we know

is at least she's not a star fucker.

The reason I'm here is because

it was a challenge to me.

I love to putter in the kitchen,

and this was an opportunity I couldn't pass up,

because I've baked a cake, I've fried a chicken,

and this is the first time I had a chance

to roast an asshole.

So I figured I would just show up and do it.

And you know, I just got a text message

from my self-respect,

and it said I have to leave.

So good night, everybody.

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

- We're lucky to have our next comic, Brian.

After the roast, he's got to get back

to the cabin in the woods to skin some teenagers.

To avoid startling the creature,

please no flash photography for Brian posehn.

[Cheers and applause]

- Keep it going for John stamos.

[Cheers and applause]

Wow, John.

If you and I were at a party,

our cocks would have nothing to talk about.

[Chuckles]

Your dick has a more impressive resume

than you do.

You know what? I don't even know Bob saget.

I've met him twice.

I'm only here because Lisa lampanelli

finally got murdered by one of her black boyfriends.

That's right.

Norm MacDonald is here.

He does an amazing Burt Reynolds impression.

And by that, I mean he's not in movies anymore either.

Jodie sweetin's in the crowd.

Remember her?

Yeah.

[Cheers and applause]

I can't point her out, but she's the full house girl

that isn't a crazy Christian

or a vagina on a stick.

So, uh--

Jodie sweetin, by the way, hosted this terrible cable show

called pants-off dance-off.

Yeah.

Which is how I used to watch full house.

That's right.

Yeah, how about Jeffrey Ross, my buddy?

Yeah, yeah.

[Cheers and applause]

Jeff wants to be an old comic so bad

that he's having his balls lowered.

Cloris leachman, look at you.

You're older than the dirt you sleep in.

Ah, that's so mean.

Susie, I know what it's like to be called ugly like you.

I do. I--my whole life.

Don't take it personally, though,

'cause if you were a chick, I would totally fuck you.

Seriously, I came here to honor Bob saget.

Yeah.

[Cheers and applause]

That's right.

Bob has done a lot for this country.

For eight seasons, half an hour a week,

full house kept pedophiles off the street.

In fact, three of them were on the show.

Bob, I love how you reinvented yourself

as this dirty comic, you know?

But it worked a few times, and now no one cares.

You're like the boy who cried, "cunt."

- [Laughs]

- But, Bob, you've been a big influence on me, man.

When Sarah silverman asked me to play a gay guy on TV,

I didn't want to.

But then I thought, "hey, if saget can do it..."

Bob, in all seriousness, and I mean this deeply,

I hope horrible things happen to you

tonight and for the rest of your pitiful life.

I'm kidding, buddy.

Congratulations, and have a good night.

Thanks, you guys.

[Cheers and applause]

- Our next roaster has never been to a roast,

but in 1620, she was almost burned as a witch.

Her first std was the plague.

Please welcome cloris leachman!

[Cheers and applause]

- I am not here to roast Bob saget.

I'm here to fuck John stamos.

Stamos, you shouldn't talk so much.

Your mouth is canceling out all the hard work

your ass is doing.

If you play your cards right, I'll do something

no woman has ever done to you:

Put you in the movies.

Does any one of you actually know who I am?

I was on the Mary Tyler Moore show.

[Cheers and applause]

Total slut, by the way.

She taught me everything I know.

Here's something you don't know about Mary.

When she had an orgasm, she threw her hat in the air.

I don't know who any of you people is.

Maybe that's 'cause I watch TV and go to the movies

and read the trades.

I have vibrators older than most of you.

The difference is, my vibrators still work.

They do.

You, the fat one.

Not you, the ugly fat one.

Yeah, your name is Jeff Ross?

- Yeah.

- I just want to thank you for doing the jokes

my father used to tell me when I was seven.

I'm sure this is the first time you've ever made a woman happy.

None of this dirty joke stuff is shocking to me.

I mean, during the golden era of comedy,

I broke my ankle when I tripped over

Milton berle's cock.

Which one of you fellas is susie essman?

Normie MacDonald.

I've never met you before, but I want you to know

I'm carrying mace.

Norm can't stay much longer.

He has to get his suit back to his father's coffin.

I'm an academy award winner.

For the love of God,

will someone please punch me in the face

so I can see some stars?

I can't believe I shaved for this.

I mean, what am I even doing here?

Who cares about Bob saget?

I was giving reach arounds to Jack Benny

before you were born.

And that man had timing.

I was actually offered a role on full house.

I turned it down, 'cause I wanted

to focus on comedy.

I'm glad I got out of sitcoms before you killed them.

You didn't just kill sitcoms.

You raped them and left them for dead in a ditch...

Just like I did with Gavin macleod in 1975.

And then again in 1978, that bald bitch.

Bob, dearest,

I've seen some of your work.

And you're not an actor.

Not one of you is.

I was classically trained in live theater.

I improvised. No script, no director.

Just me and the donkey.

Five sold out shows a night for six years

till the donkey died of exhaustion.

Then I was finally ready for Hollywood.

What have you nothings done?

"My YouTube video has 400 hits."

Fuck a donkey, then talk to me.

Now, get up here, stamos. Let's see what you got.

[Cheers and applause]

You're very funny.

- You.

Our next roaster used to be on Saturday night live.

Now he just watches it,

well, up until last week when a hooker stole his TV.

Please welcome the incoherent norm MacDonald.

[Cheers and applause]

- Yeah, I want to start with John stamos,

our esteemed roastmaster.

John--well, John has a reputation

for being a bit of a swinger.

Did you know instead of an umbilical cord,

John was born with a bungee cord?

And cloris leachman is here.

Cloris?

[Cheers and applause]

Cloris, if people say you're over the hill,

don't believe them.

Why, you'll never be over the hill,

not in the car you drive.

Greg giraldo is here.

He has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl,

and the eye of an eagle.

Ladies and gentleman, this man is for the birds.

Susie essman, of course,

is famous for being a vegetarian.

Hey, she may be a vegetarian,

but she's still full of bologna in my book.

I--

Gilbert gottfried, one of my best friends.

I love Gilbert.

When you go to the men's room later,

you'll see a sign that says, "gentlemen,"

pay no heed.

Go right in.

There's no room that says "scoundrel" on it.

But now we come to Bob saget, and that's why we're all here.

Bob.

[Cheers and applause]

Bob, you have a lot of well wishers here tonight,

and a lot of them would like to throw you down one--

a well.

They want to murder you in a well.

Seems a little harsh, but--

apparently, they want to murder you in a well,

it says here on this card.

No, but Bob has a beautiful face

like a flower--

yeah, a cauliflower.

No offense, but your face

looks

like a cauliflower.

Now, I heard you have hair on your chest, Bob.

And, well, let me tell you something.

That isn't your only resemblance

to rin tin tin.

- [Laughs]

- You're a fucking dogface.

How can you not get that?

No, there are times when Bob has something on his mind:

When he wears a hat.

But no thoughts at all.

Just a hat.

And Bob isn't the biggest sports fan.

I don't think I'm telling any tales out of school.

I took him to a--

I took him to a ball game,

and he came toting a double-barreled shotgun.

Do you remember that?

I said, "what the 'h' is that for?"

Bob said, "I heard the lions were playing the tigers."

Do you remember that?

- Yeah.

- No, he's a good guy. He's a good guy.

He's never bought Christmas seals.

He told me he wouldn't know what to feed them.

This concludes the joke--

[cheers and applause]

In all seriousness, Bob was the first comedian

that I ever saw perform when I was a boy live,

and I loved him.

But one thing that bonds us as comedians is,

we're bitter and jealous,

and we hate everyone else that has any success.

But Bob honestly has never had an unkind word for anybody,

and I love him,

and I hope everybody else does,

so I just wanted to say that.

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

- Norm MacDonald.

[Cheers and applause]

We're very lucky to have our next roaster.

He's a legend.

The executive who bought full house

to network television:

Sol Schwartz.

[Cheers and applause]

- I remember the day that they came to me

with the full house pitch.

It was the last day my assistant jaclyn blew me.

I remember it clearly.

And in walked in the full house people.

And they pitched their little show,

their dream show, their classic.

And I said, "it's a yes,

"but I want it to star three schmucks

"I've never heard of.

'Cause I want to prove that time slot is everything."

Let me tell you something, John stamos.

You are the most talented actor that I have ever come across.

You are wonderful.

You're delightful.

You're a dream!

You're fantastic.

No one has ever touched your talent.

It is remarkable.

You are the best performer I have ever seen.

No one in the world has ever come close

to the magic that you bring to the stage, to the screen.

My balls are clapping.

You are truly God's favorite actor, John stamos.

Oh, by the way, I've already read tomorrow's variety.

I get it early.

You've been replaced on er by Jerry O'Connell.

It's true.

Let's talk about a true mensch,

my pride and joy, who I discovered 25 years ago,

Bob saget.

I'm not-- [Cheers and applause]

Yes.

I think you're more than just the sitcom dad

or the guy who hosts that video show.

You're really one of the shittiest comics

I've ever seen.

The other day, I--

after all these years, I'd never met the Olsen twins.

He introduced me to them.

I said to him, "how do I tell them apart?"

He says, "Ashley swallows."

What's my character's name again?

Saul Schwartz.

Bob--he called him sol.

John stamos is so not Jewish.

"Please welcome sol Schwartz."

[Laughs]

The truth is, Bob,

we've worked together for many, many years,

and I'm starting to think I have Alzheimer's,

because I can't remember

a single funny thing you ever said.

All right, I'm not fucking around.

I said to them before the show--

I said, "I want to say something nice about him now,"

and I swear, on the screen, it says, "sincere moment."

[Laughs]

What a sincere moment.

No, what I want to say to you is,

we never hang out.

I'd like to.

We see each other.

We're always happy to see each other.

I've always liked you.

And I remember when we first met,

you asked me if I knew how dry

my grandma's vagina was.

Those were the first thing-- - really?

- I was opening for you in the '80s,

and that's the first thing you said to me,

and I knew that I liked you from that moment on.

Isn't that a fantastic--

you ever met somebody--

"hey, do you know how dry your grandma's vagina is?"

That's fucking great!

You know he's a great person.

But I think the world of you.

And for me, it was an honor to be here tonight.

Thanks.

[Cheers and applause]

- We're roasting Bob saget?

I heard that Bob saget

calls his balls the Olsen twins.

And that's actually--

I know for a fact that's not true, because

he calls them Michelle.

Greg giraldo, it's like I don't--

I think he's hispanic.

He's, like, nine different things.

He's, like, nine different nationalities.

Or maybe eight.

I don't know. Is gay a nationality?

Norm, Jim Norton, Greg giraldo--

why don't they just--

they should've done the roast at the racetrack,

you know, where norm works.

Oh, who's the, like, really pretty little girl

from full house?

Oh, um,

John stamos.

He's hosting it.

That should be good.

I wish so much that I could be at the roast in person,

but I, um--

just after everything I've been through lately,

I really need to be around people

that can make me laugh.

I got Bob's mother to tape something.

And I just got it, so let's look at it.

- Bobby, what a son.

[Laughs]

I was proud of you when you were bar mitzvahed,

and when you got married

and had those wonderful children.

And all those millions you made on full house

and America's home videos.

And oh, if I had to do it over again,

I'd probably get an abortion.

- [Sighs]

God, I know that's Bob's mother,

and it was so sweet of her to do that,

but I just hate that.

I hate when people use words like "abortion"

just for a laugh.

You know what I mean? It's cheap.

It's like--it's lazy comics just getting a laugh

with shock value,

especially when it comes to susie essman's cunt.

[Cheers and applause]

- Many comics on this dais have worked holes in the wall.

Our next roaster just sucked a cock through one.

You can see him on the Internet sensation,

one guy, two cups, and a baby.

From meganslaw.Com...

It's the Uncle fester of unfunny, Jim Norton.

[Cheers and applause]

- Oh, thank you.

How about a nice hand for John stamos?

Isn't he terrific?

This is, honest to God, the biggest collection

of non-celebrities I've ever seen in an audience.

You know you have a shit crowd when Alonzo bodden

is "the big get."

Winner of last comic standing season three

25 minutes before they did

last comic standing season four.

Your head looks like one of Shaq's balls.

And Sarah silverman was terrific.

I know she's having a hard time, but don't feel bad.

Sarah's fucked so many comedians,

she has a little light over her bed

so they know when they have two minutes left.

And Brian posehn, I'm so happy you're here.

Your face always looks

like you just saw the ark of the covenant.

Bob, how many people turned down comedy central

before they finally settled on you?

I mean, not to be a dick, but like, you know,

on the fucking comic scale of importance,

you're two notches below Blair's cousin geri

on the facts of life.

Jeff garlin, how fat a man do you intend on being?

Fuck enthusiasm. Curb your appetite.

Norm MacDonald, God bless you.

Watching your set was like watching Henry Fonda

pick blueberries.

- Is that-- now, wait a minute.

- What's that? Oh, he wants to say something.

- No, I just think it would be--

why, I don't think there's a person in here

that would not love to watch Henry Fonda

pick blueberries.

- [Laughs]

You raise a good point, norm.

Jon lovitz, it's gotten to a point

where I almost feel like success has a restraining order on you.

God bless cloris leachman.

You were terrific tonight.

[Cheers and applause]

Terrific.

She costarred in young Frankenstein.

Wonderful.

Although back then,

she worked under a different name:

Peter boyle.

I don't mean to be a little blue here,

but cloris leachman's pussy is so dry,

that when I tickled the lips, it coughed on me.

Life sucks.

Pryor's dead. Carlin's dead.

Saget? Healthy as a mule.

Bob, you're a great guy,

and I'm honored to have been here with you,

and you're a friend, and I thank you so much.

And it really is it out of love that we shit on each other.

Thank you guys so much.

The great Bob saget.

[Cheers and applause]

We all know that,

but once in a while you got to kiss up to him,

because he plays the guitar well.

And in case you have a bar mitzvah

or a private party, you need somebody in the garden

to stroll along with the dirty words

and his little guitar pick.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Bob. You have no talent.

Get a harmonica, put it on your ass,

and try to come up with a tune.

John stamos, I can't believe it.

You are the mc of a guy that's going nowhere.

And John, I'm a friend.

Your case comes up Friday.

She was only 11, 11 years old.

You kept pulling on the dress. You don't need that, John.

Get yourself a day job in Greece.

Live there. Clean apples.

Do something.

Run around looking for zorba.

Bob, do yourself a favor.

Go to Israel, and get picked off.

Get the Hamas to knock you off. It's all over.

In the meantime, I'm going back to my estate,

and we need a guy to clean the lawn.

So I'll give you a buzz, okay?

Take care of yourself.

Our next roaster never opens his eyes,

because he can't bear to watch the audience walk out.

Here to scream obscenities in a screeching voice

that never gets old,

Gilbert gottfried.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you, John.

Boy, is he funny or what?

How can you follow John stamos?

And they say greeks aren't funny.

And they say greeks smell bad.

And they say their women are fat and hairy.

But enough about John and his sisters.

Now, a lot of you are saying,

"why did we pick Bob saget?

"Why should we pick Bob saget,

"who raped and killed a girl in 1990?

"Should we even waste two seconds on Bob saget,

who raped and killed a girl in 1990?"

Well, first of all, it's not true.

It's not true that Bob saget raped and killed a girl in 1990.

So if you have any proof that Bob saget

raped and killed a girl in 1990,

stop gossiping,

and go right to the police with it.

Jim Norton is a pervert.

He's a necrophiliac.

Last night, he fucked norm MacDonald and his career.

- [Laughs]

- And cloris leachman.

Cloris leachman is so old that her tits are labeled,

"whites only" and "colored."

Her tits are a shameful time in this country's history.

When I saw a great man like nipsey Russell

pushed away from one of her tits,

it was wrong.

Now, I watched Bob saget's hbo special in high-def,

because in order to enjoy it,

you have to be either high or deaf.

But his career's totally insignificant.

I googled "Bob saget,"

and it came back, "why?"

Now I'd like to do an old joke.

John stamos walks into a bar.

The bartender says,

"we have a drink named after you."

John stamos says,

"you have a drink named secret fag?"

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen walk into a bar.

They say to the bartender, "give us two ass hurts."

The bartender says,

"how do you make an ass hurt?"

The Olsen twins say, "well, Bob saget

"hands you a chocolate milk that he just made,

"and you wake up three hours later

lying on your stomach."

And lastly,

Bob saget walks into a bar,

and he says to the bartender,

"give me the Bob saget."

The bartender says, "what's a Bob saget?"

And he says, "you give me one shot,

"I suck it for eight years,

then you give me $100 million."

God bless you all.

Don't use drugs.

[Cheers and applause]

- Well, it's been a great night of comedy.

But all good things must come to an end,

which means it's time for our guest of honor.

I can't believe that after spending so many years

begging him to shut up, I'm now gonna ask him to speak.

It takes a big man

to sit up here and take all this.

And I'll tell you two guys

that are laughing the hardest tonight:

Our fathers.

Please welcome the great Bob saget.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

What a night.

Thank you, John.

This is the longest John stamos has gone

without putting his cock in a desperate actress.

Yeah.

You know, they say the measure of a man

is judged by the company he keeps.

I'm fucked.

Greg giraldo, you should be a bigger star.

You should be much bigger.

You have more talent in your little finger--

oh, sorry. That's your dick.

Jeff garlin is a very funny fuck.

I'm sorry. Last minute changes.

I apologize.

Jeff garlin is a very fat fuck.

Jeff's so fat...

[Chuckles]

His last comedy special was shot in imax.

Norm MacDonald, norm,

you're the funniest man I know,

because these are the other people that I know.

Norm is such a horrible gambler,

he bet that jon lovitz would be funny tonight.

Okay, now I'd like to say a few words

about susie's vagina.

I don't want to say that her vagina is foul,

but it has a beak and feathers.

In fact, her vagina got a job last year

as the monster in cloverfield.

Jeff Ross, Jeff, we're buddies...

- Yeah!

- But I've always wanted to tell you this.

You look like they took the friars club

and beat you in the face with it.

If you looked any more like a horse,

norm MacDonald would lose ten grand on you.

[Sighs]

Brian posehn. Am I saying it right?

Is it bri-an?

Look at that face.

Did any other lesbians survive the fire?

Which brings us to jon lovitz.

Jon, your act is like masturbation.

You're the only one who enjoys it,

and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

But I love you, John

stamos.

Cloris leachman, it's truly an honor to have you here.

[Cheers and applause]

Cloris was very hard to get for this roast,

because she communicates by telegraph.

Gilbert gottfried.

Gilbert. Gilbert.

Why are you always squinting?

Seriously, it's like you're staring at an eclipse.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's your career.

Look at you.

That's the face of a pedophile.

What better way to lure a kid into a van

than to use the parrot voice from Aladdin?

Jim Norton,

you look like something that just got burned

off stamos's cock.

You are the most repugnant creature

I have ever seen.

You look like a mongoloid fucked an iguana.

And then there's my good friend John stamos.

[Cheers and applause]

He's so handsome.

Even his dick has a great hairline.

During full house, John's dick had a mullet.

In the '80s, there were two things

every actress wanted to be on:

The love boat and John stamos's cock.

Neither help your career, but at least the love boat

didn't try to fuck you in the ass.

That would have been exciting and new.

I love you, Jesse.

This, honestly, has been quite a night.

I was concerned, because it's hard

to make fun of my friends and the people I love,

but luckily, none of them are here.

And it's really--truly, it's really great to be honored

and to be part of a hit show,

and I know this is gonna be a hit show,

because I'm on it,

and we're gonna edit out jon lovitz.

'Cause that's what I do.

I star in monster TV shows, and I cut out the lame parts,

you talentless, white motherfuckers.

So in summation, and I mean this to all of you

from the bottom of my heart,

fuck you all, and suck my $100 million cock.

[Cheers and applause]

Good night, and thank you.