Original subtitles

No, not. Frazier, quick.

Give me your museum membership card. What for? I just heard. Tickets go on

sale today for the exhibit of 14th century Japanese Netsuke figurines. Oh,

then the rumors were true.

Hurry, hurry. I want to get there before the line forms.

Five seconds.

Oh, just give me a minute. Sit tight.

And we're back.

Before we take our last call, I'd like to remind you that Mercy Hospital will

be conducting free blood pressure testing this Saturday on Whidbey Island.

Hypertension leads to stroke, heart disease, and other maladies.

So we should all be on the lookout for symptoms like shortness of breath,

quickening of pulse, irritability. Oh, will you just shove the damn thing in

your mouth?

Well, that's all.

Join together to help defeat this silent killer.

Roz, who's on the line?

On line four, we have Mac, who's recently moved here from Australia, and

he's having a problem with a co-worker.

Hello, Mac. Welcome to Seattle.

I'm listening.

Well, mate, it's like the Sheila said.

I'm working with a real yabba. He goes on and on about things nobody gives a

billabong about just to show off how smart he is.

Well, you have my sympathy. There is nothing more irritating than pointless

and pretentious erudition.

My advice to you is to simply avoid him. Is that possible?

Not really, you bloody wallaby.

You're on right before me.

Stay tuned for the bulldog.

Well,

that's one on me.

Or rather, one on me and my call screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once

heard remarking, Oh, what a nice wooden horse. Of course I'll sign for it.

This is Dr.

Frasier Crane wishing you good mental health.

Gotcha! How many times have I asked you to desist with your adolescent antics? I

get a sense of humor.

Look, I mean it. I will go over your head. Oh, stop it. You're scaring me.

Listen, you sleazy little lime tick, you do that one more time and I'll cut you

off. And I don't mean mid-sentence.

Stop it, you're scaring me.

I don't believe the sophomoric hijinks I have to put up with. No, who would have

thought it from a station whose current motto is yakety yak, we talk badly. Oh,

run along.

Oh, hello, Dr. Crane. Oh, Ms. Costas. I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr.

Niles Crane. How do you do?

Enchanté. I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm off to get tickets for Frasier and

me to the Japanese Netsuke exhibit.

You'll love it. I saw it in Kyoto. It's just such a shame they're not letting

the really rare pieces out of the country.

Oh.

As my Japanese gardener says, imaimashi chikusho.

Watch your mouth.

Oh, you speak Japanese.

I'll just retreat now so that I can be one with my humiliation.

Um, Kate, can I have a word with you? I'm in kind of a hurry. Yes, well, just

take a moment. Yeah, I seriously doubt that, but go ahead.

Yes, well, I've tried to deal with this problem on my own, but Bulldog insists

on interrupting my show with his foolish pranks. Yeah, I heard. Yes, well, I did

not spend eight grueling years at Harvard to be mocked by that...

Juvenile jackass. Shameless.

Oh, he's beyond shameless.

I'm talking about the way you manage to get Harvard into every conversation.

Well, I'm sure you'll mention your alma mater too someday when it's accredited.

Gee, you sure know how to ask for help. Oh, I'm sorry. All right, all right, all

right. I'll take care of it. Just make sure that he understands that... You

went to Harvard? I know. I'll tell him.

Hey, the key to this game is the Husky secondary.

Jack, how can I put this to you delicately? You're a moron.

Shut up.

You don't know squat.

You know less than squat.

You and squat could go to the movies and squat could wear an I'm with stupid t

-shirt.

You're awesome, Bulldog. Hey, way to nail a blowhard Dr. Crane. You are the

greatest. Yeah, whatever. Shut up.

Now look, all you guys sending in these postcards to win tickets to the Seahawks

game, do I need another picture of the Space Needle?

Chicks in thongs. Enough said.

We'll be back right after this.

Hey, what I just said, I'm sorry. I meant to say women and thongs.

Stop busting Frazier's chops.

Enough said.

Well, I could, but see all these lines lit up? They're all waiting to tell me

how funny it was.

Are all these callers waiting to tell Bulldog how much they like the joke he

played on Frazier? All except the guy on Nine. He thinks Bulldog sucks.

Because of what he did to Frazier? No, just in general.

So what do you want me to do? If you think I'm going to allow you to publicly

mock one of our most respected hosts on air just for the sake of higher ratings,

you and I are going to get along just fine.

Come on, Eddie.

You're not... pate, and this is the good stuff.

Uh-oh.

Two syllables every homeowner loves to hear upon entering the door.

Would that have anything to do with the fact that you're feeding my imported

foie gras to a dog?

Well, I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.

Oh, well, heaven forbid Eddie should ever work a nerve.

When Niles gets here, we'll have sherry and sausages.

That reminds me, Dr. Crane will be a bit late. Your father asked him to stop at

the vet and pick up some pills for Eddie.

I know, and it's had a hard day.

How come no one ever brings me tranquilizers?

I've often wondered that myself.

Hello? Hello, this is Dr. Julius Irving.

I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane.

His receptionist said he might be there.

I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.

Oh, no, no, nothing important.

Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about the Mikado.

Well, perhaps I can help. I'm Niall's brother, Dr. Fraser Crane, and as luck

would have it, I was in an all-male version of the Mikado at Oxford.

People still ask to see my yum-yum.

I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to Three Little Maids?

Well, let me see.

Of course, my falsetto isn't what it used to be, but...

Dad,

would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here. You sure are. Some

caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air.

I'm glad to see that you're amused. Have your own son humiliated publicly?

Oh, come on, it's funny.

He makes everybody look stupid.

The guys in the newsroom, Chopper Dave.

Oh, not exactly a miracle transformation when it comes to Chopper Dave, a man

whose life were consistent, looking down at the freeway and saying, crowded, not

crowded.

Hey, where are you going?

Back to the station. Oh, come on, Fred, you don't take yourself so seriously.

You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force.

The day they replaced my bulletproof vest with a big lacy bra, I knew I was

one of the guys.

Thank you, Dad.

That also clears up a question that's troubled me for years, concerning the

night you were shot.

The Salmon?

That's what you want to name our expansion hockey team? The Seattle

Salmon?

Why don't you take your two IQ points, rub them together, see if you can start

a fire. Beat it.

You're in the doghouse.

Hey, am I on? Yeah, take as long as you want.

Next.

Hey, Bulldog, you're the man.

How about we name them the Bulldogs?

Oh, you want to suck up? Send money. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I got

another one. What about the lizards? I hate lizards. They're disgusting.

They make my skin crawl. You're an idiot. You don't deserve to live.

You're the best, Bulldog. Yeah, shut up. Back in 30.

I warned you. Hey, hey, clear your chats.

Kate told me to keep busting you.

Said it's good for ratings. You got a beef? Take it up with her.

I don't believe you.

Pete, what did Kate say?

She said you're a pig.

No, before that.

She said to keep ragging on the doc.

I want to talk to Kate now.

She's not in.

Oh, very clever.

She's not in. Like, that'll make me go away.

She's not in.

Susan, I need a copy of our contract with Nanette Stewart.

What's Yum Yum doing here?

Never mind, I can guess.

You promised you would put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans, and instead you

encouraged him.

You're canceling pet chat with Nanette? She's been on for six years.

Yeah, but she's been floating at the top of the bowl for the last two.

Look, when I went in to talk to Bulldog, the phones were lit up like Times

Square. His fans love it when he zaps you. So you would have me ridiculed for

the sake of those hyenas?

No, I would have you fight back.

He takes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your droll Ivy League, look at

me, I've got a thesaurus kind of way.

It'll be funny.

Funny?

Funny?

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man whose favorite T-shirt reads,

Seattle Hooter Inspector.

Afraid of the competition?

I am a doctor. I went to medical school.

I will not embarrass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings.

You just announced to a half a million listeners that you are filled to the

brim with girlish glee.

I think the HMS pinafore of embarrassment has sailed.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fire someone.

Oh, God, she brought spanky.

Kate, this is not over.

You know what your problem is? You have no sense of humor. I am sick and tired

of people telling me that. Well, then lighten up.

I asked the Raiders' defensive line to describe their tackling skills.

And here's what they said.

Three little maids from school all week. Three little maids from school.

Good evening, Daphne. Evening, Dr.

Crane. Did you bring Eddie's pills? Yes, and the vet gave very specific

instructions. Take one tablet per hour or as needed until trembling subsides.

I'm sorry, these are for Maris.

Those are for Eddie. There you go.

I'll just hide his pill in a bit of food.

That's how Grammy Moon used to get Grandad to take his heart medicine.

If he had heart problems, why wouldn't he want to take his medicine?

Don't think that nosy coroner didn't ask the same question.

You're numbs, Eddie.

Oh, he's a good boy.

I don't believe in popping pills for every little upset.

I quite agree.

My nerves are bothered by this constant thundering too, but I would never turn

to drugs to calm down.

Oh, mummy.

Hey, Niles, you're never going to believe what happened to Frasier. Oh, I

heard the whole thing.

You listened to Bulldog's program?

Yes, Dad. I can't sleep nights till I find out who hurled what ball through

what apparatus.

No, no, no, no. It was on at the vets.

You would think that in a city with this much rain that people would develop an

etiquette about it, but no.

They buy umbrellas that are too big so you have to walk into the street to get

around them, and then they drive too close to the curb that you're sure to

get splashed. And they wear brown shoes with white socks.

What has that got to do with the rain? Nothing.

But, I mean, really, get a fashion sense.

Well, I guess things didn't go too well down at the station, huh? No, they

didn't.

Turns out the station manager is encouraging Bulldog's little pranks.

Now she wants me to return his fire on the air.

Oh, well, I thought the idea was absurd at first. But now I'm starting to warm

to it. I say have at him. He is grossly overmatched, but he didn't bring this on

himself. You know you're right, Niles. If I have to fight cheap and dirty on

his own terms, then I will.

And what is that supposed to mean? Well, I don't think it's a good idea.

You know, Bulldog's pretty good at this kind of thing.

He's a funny guy.

And I'm not funny?

I don't believe this. Well, now, obviously Dad's forgetting the time you

took the names of our wine club board and turned them all into wickedly

derisive anagrams.

Sidney Assbasket.

You see, Dad, I made you laugh. No, I'm looking at Eddie.

I guess he won't be needing a second pill.

No, no, Frasier, don't get me wrong. I think you're witty. You're clever. But

funny's different.

Funny's somebody who makes you laugh with your belly.

Now, Bulldog's funny.

Duke's cousin Louie, now, he's really funny.

He's like Jackie Gleason, only loud.

It makes you laugh so hard the beer comes out of your nose.

You know what feels good through the nose? A warm cup of cocoa.

I just may go home for Christmas this year.

You know, just because I haven't caused anyone to blow beer through their

nostrils doesn't mean that I can't.

Anyone who can compose a clever barb can certainly master the intricacies of the

whoopee cushion.

Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. It's a lot harder than you think.

All right, you just tune in to Bulldog's show tomorrow, pop open a beer, and

prepare for a Budweiser geyser.

You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion, I happen to

have one at the house.

Last year, a disgruntled servant left one on Maris' dining room chair.

Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted when my little fawn proved

too light to activate it.

Well, it's 6.30, sports fans. That means it's time for...

our big Seahawks tickets giveaway.

Yes, my curvaceous and bodacious assistant, Darlene.

is rolling in our glittering giant prize drum right now.

Okay, Darlene, give it a good crank.

Whoa, honey, I meant the drum.

Here it comes, Ross.

Hilarity ensues.

Okay, explain this to me one more time. You're the one who's trying to prove to

everyone you're so funny, so why am I the one that had to put the lizard in

the box?

It was just as difficult to be the lookout.

Stop whining.

Hey, look who's here. It's our new boss lady, KACL's own Kate Costas.

Kate's there? Oh, Frasier Kate's there? No, no, it's even better. Even better

that she will be an eyewitness to my little jape. Come on in, Kate.

Yeah.

Here we go. Glad you dropped in.

Hello, Bulldog.

Hi, Darlene.

Wow, look at that mighty drum.

Yeah, give it a good spin.

Look at those cards going around and around.

Okay, Seattle.

And the winner is... Hey, Kate, why don't you pick it?

Okay. And the lucky winner is... Yo!

Help me fit me!

Oh, my God!

It's a lizard!

Oh,

man, he cut your finger, kid! Oh, God!

Right here. I'll get some ice.

Yeah, they sewed her fingertip back on. She's gonna be fine.

Frasier, would you wipe that guilty look off your face? No one even suspects you.

Why not?

Because you made such a big deal about how playing pranks was beneath you.

Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me.

I'm going to accept my limitations and be satisfied to merely be witty and

urbane.

Even my most barbed comments never drew blood.

Oh, God, I feel sick.

You do.

When the lizard threw up the fingertip, who had to pack it in frozen yogurt and

rush it down here?

I'm going to tell her the truth. What?

Are you insane? But I've got to unburden myself.

Frazier, you didn't start this. You are the victim here. Why should you have to

suffer any more than you already have? I'll keep your name out of it. Fine, do

what you want.

I don't know when I'll be back in the office, Susan. Just cancel all my

appointments.

Is there any word on who pulled this stupid stunt?

I don't want excuses.

I want names.

Can you hurry up that shot? I'm in agony here.

Kate, I see that your strength is back.

Brought some flowers.

What kind of raving psychotic would do a thing like this? Oh, you know, people

use that word psychotic an awful lot these days. A kid steals a candy bar,

suddenly he's a psychotic.

I'm gonna find him, and I'm gonna crush him.

Are you sure that's enough? You know, make sure that all goes in.

Come if you need me, then.

Well, Kate, uh... I, uh, I came here for a reason. Oh, let me guess.

Someone parked in your space?

No, no, but if someone had, I would have forgiven him.

Just as I'm sure you will forgive... Who?

Well, I'm sure that the...

poor misguided prankster that perpetrated this evil deed willie had no

ill will in mind it wasn't his or her attention you know

that nanette from pet chat she had a real

axe to grind what what you'll giggle oh

it's kind of funny what what

Well, it's funny.

Oh, I was just remembering.

What? What?

Oh, the shots kick again, isn't it?

How did you know he'd bite my middle finger?

How am I supposed to drive?

You know, Kate, maybe now would be a good time to tell you. You know, you

know, life is so funny.

One minute, you're standing in a hallway.

The next minute, you're a poo-poo platter for a lizard.

That's a funny word, isn't it?

Hallway.

You want to hear something really funny? And bulldog look.

Bulldog look.

Oh, see, now you're starting to get tired. I should go.

Kate, before you go to sleep, there's just one last funny thing I want to tell

you.

Okay.

I put the lizard in the box.

meant for Bulldog. It was all an accident. I never intended to...

Kate?

Kate?

No!

Hey,

baby, I hear the blues are calling. Toss Sally.

Mercy. And maybe I seem a bit confused. Well, maybe. But I got you pegged.

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.

They're calling again.

Frasier has left the building.