Original subtitles

[overlapping chatter]

[grunts]

[Teacher]: Okay, and our last presenter to share

their reflections of their summer plans is Jacob Udell.

[upbeat music]

- You know how there are those places

where everything just makes sense?

And all your problems melt away?

[rhythmic music]

For me, that place is camp.

And I'm not talking about some two-bit,

week-long bullshit day camp,

I'm talking about sleep-away camp.

And tomorrow, my ten-month wait will be over,

and the two best months of the year

are about to begin.

Do you believe in miracles?!

[all]: Yeah!

- Dude, I was so wrong not to invite you

to Dave and Buster's three weeks ago.

I'll regret that decision for the rest of my life.

[grunting]

- Jacob, when I told your parents

you were a handful, I was actually

talking about another kid.

- I know I can be a bit too much sometimes.

- Oh, no, you're perfect. [ding]

Fuck school. Let's go to camp!

I want to get a sun tan on these titties!

- Yeah! [students cheering]

- Woo!

[all, chanting]: Jacob! Jacob! Jacob! Jacob!

Jacob! Jacob!

[teacher]: Jacob, are you ready to present?

- Oh.

Yeah, uh...

[boy]: Asshole.

[students giggling]

[sighs]

- You know how there are those places--

[indistinct chatter]

- That bullshit made us five minutes late.

Stop fucking trying so hard.

[sighs]

[soft music]

- I mean, I guess it sort of looks like camp.

Like, that thing in the middle is Lake Baboosic at night.

Yeah, actually, it's kind of an identical outline.

[psychologist]: Okay, Max, that's really great.

And over by the dock there's two counsellors

like, making out. Oh, sick, and it's two girls.

Oh, wait, it's dark, but, uh, that's my boy Jacob.

He's walking in the woods with Tali.

Come on, man. Come on! Ah, shit. He chickened out.

You got the looks, Jakey,

all you need is the confidence!

Man, I hate to see him with that sad face.

- You got all that from this?

What do you think that means?

- How should I know? Aren't you the nurse?

- No, I'm the school-mandated behavioral therapist.

[coughs] - Narc.

Look, Mr. Song, have you ever been to camp?

- No, Max. As I've told you before,

they did not have Jewish summer camp in Korea.

- Well then, the fuck do you know?

Us camp people are just different.

We snuggle. We cry with pride. We shit with the doors open.

- Okay, let's not get into that--

- Look, I'm a totally different person at camp.

They don't even call me Max. I just go by Charness.

- Okay, well, why can't you be that person here, too?

- Wow. Fucking great suggestion.

You don't think I've tried that?

Mr. Song, they locked me to the bike rack.

- Okay, what those kids did was not okay.

- Fucking assholes. I don't even look like

a curly haired soup dumpling. I mean seriously,

look at some of the shit they've been

circling around school. Fucking dipshits.

Look! Do I look anything like that?

- Mm...

Max, I want--

- Fuck those kids and fuck ChatGPT.

- Max, we're talking about you having lasting friendships.

[screaming ringtone] - Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Song,

I know this is bad timing, but it's Jacob.

[screaming stops] 'Sup, bitch?

- Hey, man. - Dude, have you ever

tried therapy? It's like, really weird.

Look, Mr. Song, I think we've made

about as much progress as we're gonna make this year,

so, I say we call it. Have a great summer!

[♪ Like Best Friends ♪ by Dirty Nice]

[children playing]

[air horn blowing]

♪ You and me we could be like best friends ♪

♪ Me and you it just makes good sense ♪

♪ You and me I'm a house and you're the fire ♪

♪ And I can't tell you why ♪

♪ But it feels like I've known you all my life ♪

- Hey! - Yeah!

Oh, my God. Come here, you sweet baby.

- I missed you, man. - I missed you too.

- Oh, my God.

[Charn]: Okay, notice how I'm walking different?

[Jacob]: Okay.

- It's 'cause my penis got like a full inch longer.

And a little rounder too.

[laughing]

[all]: Arm hug!

[cheering]

[chanting]

- This is it, boys!

This is why we live ten for two!

- Ten for two! - Ten for two!

[all]: Ten for two!

[coughing]

- Gentlemen, this is our summer.

Every night, we put our heads to our pillows

dreaming of the first night of camp.

Gents, it's finally here.

Take it in, boys.

For these two months, we are going to have...

- The highest percentage of successful

ask-outs to the social!

[all]: Yeah!

- We're gonna grind! [all]: Yeah!

- And what are we gonna wear? Mesh shorts.

- Maximum friction!

[all]: Maximum friction! [clapping]

Maximum friction! [clapping]

- The longest shower party on record!

- We're going to explore each other's bodies!

[all]: Yeah!

- Ten months of winter! - Boo!

- Ten months of math? - Fuck fractions!

[all]: Boo! - Ten months of your dad

coming home smelling like perfume,

but your mom doesn't wear perfume!

[crickets chirping]

- Boo! [all]: Boo!

- This day's why we live ten for two.

[all chanting]: Ten for two! Ten for two! Ten for two! [cheering]

[cheering]

[chanting]

[crickets chirping]

[groans softly]

- Charn, you up?

- Too excited. Can't sleep.

- I'm so glad we made it.

- Same. I know every year my parents say

they need a break from me, but this year,

it wasn't in a funny way.

I think they're like, starting to actually hate me.

- Dude, they're idiots. Don't listen to them.

Do you ever wonder why something so epic at camp

can be like, so lame back at home?

- You mean like arts and crafts?

Friendship bracelets? Clogged toilets?

Rap battles, but in a made-up language nobody understands?

- No, I mean like, me.

Nobody likes me at home.

- I'm sorry, man.

[insects chirping]

- This is where we're gonna be forever, man.

Four more glorious summers as campers, and then...

- And then when we're 16, we're apprentices,

and we'll be inducted into the plunger hall of fame.

- Hell yeah. And maybe by then,

Tali and I would've been dating for like, four years.

'Cause this summer, I'm gonna ask her out.

- And when we're 40, we'll use our fortunes

from the private sector to buy camp.

- Leaving us with a combined net worth of 19 billion.

- Which doesn't even include my eraser collection.

- And we'll become the longest-running Fineman

in camp history.

- And you and me are gonna crush rap

every single day until we're 99 years old.

[both]: Am I bullfrog? Or is it hotter than July?

[shushing]

- Oh, and maybe I can do the solo part sometimes?

- Sure. Yeah, you know, it's just, I sort of feel

like I need it, so...

- Well, maybe we could do it together?

- But then it wouldn't be a solo.

- Ah, oh, yeah, I guess I didn't think of that.

- The point is, we're gonna spend

the rest of our lives at camp.

- Until we retire and spend our final days

where it all started, at Old Camp!

- The original paradise. I like it!

- And we'll drink the Old Camp lake water,

which is sweeter than Sprite!

- We'll sleep in the original bunks!

- Where over the pants handjobs

were literally invented!

- OTPHJs. - Yeah!

And where they played fuck, marry, kill.

But it wasn't a game, they did it for real!

[chuckles]

[Jacob]: And one day, they'll bury us in Old Camp.

[Charn]: And then, we'll decompose into the soil

and become trees.

[Jacob]: 12 for 12, the best place on Earth.

- Chipwiches in the Head Tunk!

[indistinct chatter]

Sydney Sweeney? What are you doing in here?

Noboy come in.

- Hey, Leon! Have you, uh, checked the Head Tunk?

They early posted the second month play.

- Please tell me it's music man!

[screams]

[Charn]: Tiny head, massive suction.

Count it, Jacob.

- The plunging must stop!

- Did they actually leak the color war captains

on the Head Tunk?

[Charn]: Yeah, come check it out!

- No, no, no, no, Charn. It's just Tali. Relax.

If we plunge three more people,

we'll break the first month record.

- Okay, well, I just wanted to say good luck today.

Parents-wise.

You feeling okay? [chuckling]

- Yeah, I mean, dad's last letter said

"We're coming at 11." So, it sounds like

they're still in one car, at least.

- All right. Well, crossing my fingers.

[chuckling]

- Jacob, your micro-boner's showing.

- What? No, it's not micro,

and it's like, in the 55th percentile.

- Okay. Well, you guys know Sophie Friedman?

She's in Haven one. She lives in Manhattan.

Her mom was in a Doritos commercial.

- I should go. - Yeah, me too.

- Bye, Tali.

- Dude. I do not get

what you see in that girl right there.

Tali's a liar! She tells these random-ass stories

to the girls in her cabin that make no sense at all.

- Tali is the most underrated girl at camp.

- If you like her, why haven't you asked her out yet?

- It's never really been the right moment.

- Bro, shut up.

I watched you choke it at both socials.

And you do not get a third social.

- I'm gonna do it.

[bullhorn feedback] - Okay, everybody!

Visiting day begins in five minutes sharp.

And parents, if you've forgotten your utensils,

that is not an invitation to use the dining hall.

- Mmm. Skin's the best part. [chuckling]

- Why are you guys eating two totally different meals?

- Um... - Well, there was a bit

of a food miscommunication.

Uh, I got on the road later

than your mother-- - Yes.

- ...this morning.

- You guys didn't take the same car?

- No, no. - Honey, we talked about this.

Your father and I, we're separated.

- You said you were gonna use this summer

to go over all the logistics.

- Right. - Yes, the logistics

of our divorce.

- Oh. Okay.

- Jacob, I started seeing someone else.

[Jen]: Mark... - And, we're engaged.

- What?!

[robotically]: I am seeing someone else now and we are--

- You don't have to repeat yourself.

[Jen]: Mark, Mark. He heard you. Okay?

He's just in shock. Understandably.

[Mark]: Okay, can you please not do this?

Don't antagonize me for literally no reason.

[Jen]: Mark, can you just fuck off for one--

- I can hear everything you're saying.

- Why don't I grab some ice creams? Okay?

- Yeah, good idea. Um,

if they have cookies and cream,

just get me like a cup.

Or a cone, whatever they have.

- Who even is this woman?

- Tell me about it.

Can you imagine what I've been living with?

- Not Mom. - Oh, right. Uh, Dana.

Her name is Dana. - Dana.

- Yeah, her name is Dana.

- Mmm. - She's an event coordinator.

And she's working on a novel.

- Uh-huh. - Actually, I think you

know her son. Uh, Gordon Fisher.

- That guy? - Yeah.

- He's a freak, Dad!

- Well, I know he's a bit of a character, but--

- He stands outside of carpool,

and he practices magic with a wand.

[Jen]: Vanilla!

[chuckling]

[kids cheering in the distance]

- Okay. Let's just please go to the registration tent.

I want my shirt.

- Oh. Uh...

Your mother and I

need to figure out exactly what next year...

- Next step is... - Wait.

[Mark]: Financially, yeah. - Okay, stop.

You guys aren't actually about to say

I'm not coming back next summer?

- It's a possibility.

- They are bringing back tubing next year. I--

These are my only friends!

You're telling me you can't find any way

to drum up eight grand?

- I mean, that personal trainer is very expensive,

are you sure that's necessary?

- You gave 5,000 dollars to Elizabeth Warren

for president. Does that feel like money well spent?

- I'm going to the tent. - Hey, hey, hey!

First of all, come here. Come here, come here.

We all have to make sacrifices.

[Jen]: Yeah, all right, enough, Mark, just...

- Well, not me. Please. Not this one.

- Well, we'll call the camp office

when we get home, you don't have to worry

about any of this. - Yeah.

[Mark]: It's gonna be okay, kiddling.

I promise you. It'll all work out, okay?

- Okay. Okay?

[patting]

- I'm not stepping foot in that fucking woman's house

with her freak of nature son

who's going to turn me unpopular.

- Fuck!

Nothing fucking works!

- Charn, what happened with your parents today?

- You know how I catfished my principal on Match.com?

- You just said your principal didn't like you.

- Yeah, 'cause I catfished him on Match.com

and got him to send a picture of him licking a lollipop.

I told you guys this. - No, you did not.

- Well, the school tracked my IP address,

and now I'm kicked out.

- Damn, that really sucks.

- And my parents are sending me

to this boarding school for "diverse learners."

- Fuck that! - You know that kid

Alan Barbossa who's like obsessed with me?

Well he gave my parents another letter for me.

It's like, "Tali, I love you!

Why can't we just be together?"

[grunts]

- Let me see the letter.

Because I'm telling you, I'm gonna write him back

and annihilate him. - I threw it out.

[grunting]

Can we just try to find smaller sticks?

- No, we can break this one.

- Fuck! I'm not going to that

fucking boarding school.

Everyone knows I would look shitty with a buzz cut!

- Out of my face! This is total crap,

but, what other option do we have?

- What if we never went home?

[dramatic music]

- Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

- Enough with ten for two.

We need to go twelve for twelve.

All-year camp.

- You're talking dirty, little man, and I like it.

Let's make a baby! - For real, for real.

What if at the end of the summer

when the busses leave, we don't get on?

We hide.

And when the coast is clear,

we run, and we just keep doing camp?

- Well, we can't just run. That would be dumb.

We'd need a destination.

Like, somewhere off the grid, but with shelter.

- Wait, where did Bin Laden hide?

- What about Old Camp?

- I don't think he hid at Old Camp.

I think it was like, Asia or something?

- No, no, you mean like the original site of Fineman?

- Old Camp.

[wind rushing]

It's perfect.

[Charn]: I heard that when they moved, they

just left everything behind untouched.

It's like a Jewish museum, but without all the sad parts.

[Jacob]: We'd have bunks,

kitchen, PB and J for days.

It's perfect.

If we pull this off,

all of it goes away,

and the only thing left is camp.

- 12 for 12. - 12 for 12.

- 12 for 12.

[rhythmic music]

[all]: Three, two, one!

[screaming] [crack]

[fire crackling]

[Jacob]: On the last day of camp,

the only staff on site will be Bob.

[Tali]: That guy? Pure misery.

I heard his wife left him at the altar

for his own brother.

Now, he's a cuck.

[Jacob]: Bob's wife called it off

because he wasn't Jewish.

So he tried to circumcise himself,

but he accidentally cut off too much.

And now he's a eunuch.

- You're both wrong. He's ex-military.

He was dishonorably discharged from Guantanamo

for being too rough on the Taliban.

[Tali]: He's legally prohibited from using a knife.

[Charn]: And he cut off the heads of like

50 Beanie Babies.

[Tali]: That's why he only eats soup.

[Charn]: She broke it off because he jerked off so much,

only air comes out.

[Tali]: It's just some scammer sending him pictures

of Dua Lipa.

[Jacob]: That's how he can spend his whole life at camp

and still be miserable.

[counsellor singing]

♪ Forever you forever me Forever Bob on ATV ♪

[strumming guitar]

[singing continues]

- There's nothing that guy won't do.

We're going to have to neutralize him.

- What do we do about our parents?

- By the time they figure it out,

it'll be too late.

[fire roars]

[dramatic music]

[Jacob]: Dear dad. Camp's going great.

Oh, Charness!

Am I a bullfrog? Or is it hotter than--

[all]: July?

[cheering]

- Jakey, baby, tell it to me fresh.

[exclaiming]

[Charn]: Crush rap! Let's go!

[exciting music]

[Jacob]: No, actually, it's going epic.

Everything is just clicking into place.

My name's Jacob! - And my name's Charn!

[both]: And there's a funny little rumor

going 'round the barn.

- We want some remix!

[Jacob]: Even our crush rap is reaching new heights.

Remix!

- He's doing the Matrix!

[dramatic music]

[cheering]

[Jacob]: And honestly,

I think it's because everyone's just so unified.

And just like, really growing up.

Now, my bunk is the family I--

Trust!

To catch me when I-- [campers]: Fall!

[Jacob]: I'm on top of the world here.

And not just 'cause I'm king of the frickin' zip line.

Dad, don't worry about me. And I won’t' worry about you.

Time truly does fly at camp.

I almost wish it wouldn't end.

If you're in this room,

you know just as well as I do

that there is nothing waiting for us back home.

Here's the plan. Tomorrow morning,

we grab the last of the supplies

and then set off to Old Camp.

And once we land, we're doing summer forever.

[applause]

Thank you! Thank you very much.

It's gonna be epic. We've been stocking up on food,

and the fridge at Old Camp's gonna be filled with shit too.

And guys, I'm thinking the first night at Old Camp,

we should have a social.

- Yeah!

- Okay, a third social? Is that even allowed?

- Don't you get it? Everything's allowed.

- I heard at Old Camp, they had queen-sized beds

made for fucking, like, they were encouraging it.

[laughing] Oh, yeah!

[laughing] - We're going to create

a new society. New art, new recipes.

New languages.

Doobity-doobity-doo.

You'll soon know what that means.

- Mushki mishka dashimicreesh.

- That translates to, "Fineman forever".

And you'll know what that means soon enough!

The only staff left on site tomorrow will be Bob.

[groaning] - Damn, bro.

[Charn]: Fuck Bob.

He's a million years old,

he prints out his emails, and he pays for AOL.

- We'll take care of Bob.

- How are we actually supposed to leave the camp tomorrow

without anyone noticing? Won't they make us, like,

get on a bus?

- We all know the rules.

Anyone with pink eye quarantines for 48 hours.

- So, if we wake up tomorrow with pink eye,

we can't leave camp.

- That's when we execute our escape.

- Problem is, we don't have pink eye.

[murmuring in agreement]

[campers]: Ew. - Dude!

- No! - Ew!

- This is your last chance.

There's no turning back.

You take the blue pill,

a melatonin that I stole from the camp nurse's office.

You go to sleep, and you wake up

tomorrow morning, you forget all about this.

Or, you take the red pill.

And you stay in wonderland.

And I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

- So let me get this straight, you expect us

to intentionally put poop particles in our face

so that we end up purposely geting pink eye?

- That is step one.

[rhythmic music]

- Pretty good. [Jacob]: Step two.

The virus incubates for 12 hours.

When we wake up in the morning,

a lucky few of us will find freedom.

[sloshing] - Why not have an adventure?

[Charn]: If you don't get pink eye,

you shut your fucking mouth and take this conversation

with you to the grave.

[Sophie]: Long distance? [Jackson]: No way.

[Sophie]: We're like, so in love.

[Jacob]: Step three, parents.

The pink eye will give us a 48-hour head-start

before our families get suspicious.

After that, I'll be faking our deaths

and planting our DNA in the bag of bones

in Bob's fire pit.

- Fuck you, Mom and Dad!

James, I wish you weren't my brother.

Eat shellfish and die!

- Fuck ten for two.

[Charn]: Step four. Under no circumstances

does this information leave this room.

This camp is filled with snitches.

Especially that little rat fuck Leo--

- Well, well, well. [clapping]

Just as I suspected.

A merry band of thugs and thieves

here to raid our dining hall.

My parents paid good money for this food!

- Shut the fuck up, Leon! [splat]

[muffled screaming]

[heartbeat pounding]

[clock ticking]

[gurgling]

[screams]

[tense music]

- No! Fuck! I didn't get it! Fuck!

- Charn? - Jacob?

- Well aren't you a sight for pink eyes?

- Goddamn, you're sexy! - Oh, thank you!

[excited screaming]

[Jackson]: Who needs to shit?

- Holy shit, Leon, you look like a ginormous

sunset took a shit in your eyes.

- Excuse me?

- Leon, we also don't want you to come with us

on this escape, but you know too much.

[adventurous music]

- Yeah. Conjunctivitis.

Can't put you on the bus today.

You look a little off, Udell.

[Leon]: Bob? May we speak in private?

- Leon, I don't have time today.

Danny, what's your 20?

We got a situation.

Forget it. I'll find you.

- And I hear you, but after today,

that's Miss Rockhauer's problem, okay?

Oh, shit. - Hey, Danny boy.

- Yeah. - Tried to reach you

on walkie. I think you're offline.

I'm on channel four. - Stop.

- It's a direct line. - Okay.

- Anyway, this pink eye situation

is really out of control. Way worse than 2000--

- Okay, look, I have to go wave some kids goodbye,

if you could just give me the headline.

- Well, we're on a 48-hour lockdown.

So coverage-wise, we're working with

me, you, sorta thinking it was a boys night out,

and... thoughts on Peter from music?

- Okay, Bob, stop. Summer's over, all right?

The counsellors are clocked out.

- Fine, you're the director. You choose the third.

- No, it's just you. M'kay?

You think you can handle that? - Of course.

- Right. Do not fuck this up.

[rhythmic music]

[Bob]: This is a stage-five quarantine.

You will be sheltering in place

for the next 48 hours.

There's three meals, two snacks, and one rule.

Do not leave the rooms.

[computer voice]: You've got mail.

[clicking]

- Lake house?

Oh, you did it, Bobby!

[Danny]: Dear Bob.

I'm writing to invite you to my lake house

to come accept a new position that shall be named

Director of New Camper Development.

In this capacity, you will be expected to manage

and supervise multiple projects--

- I'm momentarily stepping out.

- Including teaching proper trust fall etiquette...

[Jacob and Charn]: As well as basic self defense

against swirlies, titty-twisters,

and other nefarious acts of the demented.

[♪ The Champ Remix ♪ by Ghostface Killah]

- Oh, yeah!

[campers groaning]

- Ah! It burns! Ah!

- Move people, let's move!

Don't forget to grab the oral swabs,

we need oral swabs!

Go, go, go, go!

- Charn, he's too big!

♪ I been doing this before Nas dropped the Nasty ♪

♪ My Wallos I did 'em up them bricks I sent 'em up ♪

♪ My raps y'all bit 'em up for that now stick 'em up ♪

♪ 10-4 good buddy Tone got his money up ♪

♪ Worth millions still bag your b---- ♪

♪ Murder my wrist couldn't take it and bailed ♪

♪ And left my fingers for dead told 'em ♪

♪ I ain't had nothing to do with the writing ♪

♪ Now hold you down when you be squeezing that lead ♪

[screaming] - Let's go!

Woo!

Three, two, one, lift! [grunting]

[screaming]

[Jacob]: Guys, hop in. Hop in, here we go!

[♪]

[distant cheering]

[Danny]: Director of new camper development?

Um, yeah, man. I don't know.

I think this is some sort of prank or something.

Because, uh...

Yeah, I don't know. It says my...

my email is DannyCampReal?

[distant pounding music]

You thought my email was DannyCampReal?

- Danny, you know how much

I care about this place, right?

- Sure. - No one cares about

Fineman more than me.

I...

guess what I'm saying is I do have more to offer.

- Yeah, and I mean, we...

I mean, we love having you on the staff.

I mean, you've been here for what, eight? Nine summers?

- 26 years.

- That's an incredible legacy. We're really lucky.

And as much as I'd love to keep having this convo,

I mean, shit, you should probably

go check on those kids, right? Here's your email. Okay?

- Thanks again. - Yeah, thank you,

no, thank you, Bob. - Well, not thanks,

but you know how thankful I am.

- Let's fucking rain! [muffled cheering]

[Bob]: A loyal servant, great friend...

[Jacob]: And powerful enemy of clogged toilets.

[Charn]: And therefore, whence... say that, say that.

[Jacob]: Oh, okay. [both]: In conclusion--

[bird calling]

[ominous music]

[Jacob]: Well, I guess this wasn't here in the 20s.

[Sophie]: That's the longest fence I've ever seen.

[Jacob]: All right. We'll just, uh...

[crow caws]

We'll just hop the fence.

- Um...

[Leon]: I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

[Jacob]: Leon, relax. It's an old sign.

I'm sure it's fine. Okay?

[electrical buzzing]

[Charn]: So, who wants to go first?

[crow calling]

[screaming]

- Ah! Oh, my God! [panting]

Thank you. You saved me.

- Some blood.

From the bird, I'm guessing.

- He saved her.

- It was nothing. No problem.

[bird moans]

[Jacob]: There's gotta be another place to... pull off.

[dramatic music]

- Ah! - What?

- Udell...

[hawk screeches]

- Bob knows where we are! - What?

[Leon]: Oh, thank God! Come here, Bob! Save me!

- Shut up! - Shut the fuck up!

- Save me!

[dramatic music]

- Relax, there's no way he could see us across--

Goddammit!

He just eye-fucked me through the binoculars!

Why is he looking at me that way?! I'm a child, Bob!

[Jacob]: Holy shit, and he's still there.

- Save me! - Leon, enough!

- I was just stretching my arm!

- I'll stretch it for you if you don't stop it!

[Tali]: He'll boat over in like 40 seconds.

[Jacob]: Fuck. - No. I drained all the gas

from the boats. [Jacob]: Yes! You're a genius.

[sucking]

- Mother fuck, we need a plan right now!

- What about a hole? We could dig a hole.

- We don't even have a shovel, like...

- We could crawl through...

[Jacob]: Guys, I got it.

All the electric's coming from up there.

I'm gonna climb up and I'm gonna cut the power.

Once I do, be ready to scale.

- Jacob, are you insane?

- He is a mad man and we are in his cult!

[Charn]: Well, if you're gonna do it, go!

- I will not be your Manson girl!

- There's no other way. And we are not turning back.

[engine rumbling]

- Don't move! That is an order! Don't move!

Coming for you, Udell.

[Leon]: Oh, God. Oh, oh God.

- Hurry the fuck up!

[grunting]

[suspenseful music]

- Think you can outrun old Bobby? Think again!

- We got 40 seconds tops!

You gotta do something, Jacob! Come on, let's go!

[Bob]: You can run, you can hide,

but you won’t get away! [laughing]

- How the fuck do you turn this thing off?

[Charn]: Come on, let's go!

As soon as that thing turns off,

Sophie, you go first. - No, I'm waiting for Jackson.

He'll need our help. - Sophie,

Jackson isn't coming.

- He promised. - He's a fuck boy!

He cheated on you all summer.

[Bob]: There are delinquents across the lake!

I repeat, delinquents across the lake!

- Rachel Bernstein jacked him off during Finding Nemo.

- That's a frickin lie! - Leon?

- They brought a blanket, and it was 90 degrees.

- Marlon was finding Nemo, and he was jizzing!

- That fucker!

- Okay... [snap]

These wires aren't connected to shit!

[Charn]: Nothing's happening! Just keep pulling shit!

[alarm bells ringing]

[automated voice]: Dam alert. Dam alert.

[intercom]: Doctor Taylor... [powering down]

[screaming] [patient]: Help, help!

[loud dance music]

[Danny]: Hey, don't tell anybody, but--

[music stops] I fucked a parent

in the nature shed!

- Hell yeah! [cheering]

- Okay, got it! Go! Everybody climb!

[Charn]: Go, go, go! [shouting]

- Go, go, go, go, go!

[motor stops]

[panting]

- Udell!

- Fuck. [Charn grunting]

[Sophie]: Come on, hurry up! [Tali]: You got it!

Let's go! - Hurry up!

- I'm fucking stuck! - Use your core, Charn!

- Shut the fuck up, I'm trying!

- Come on! [campers shouting]

- Just turn the power back on and let me die!

- Then we can leave! Come on, let's go!

[both]: No!

[grunting]

[screaming] [Leon]: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, hurry up! [screaming]

[screaming]

- Too slow, Bob! [grunting]

[electrical zapping]

[groaning]

[screaming] Charn! Run!

[screaming]

[electricity hissing]

[♪ Kumbayah ♪ by the Hillside Singers]

♪ Kumbayah my Lord ♪

♪ Kumbayah ♪

♪ Kumbayah my Lord ♪

♪ Kumbayah ♪

[explosions]

♪ Kumbayah my Lord ♪

♪ Kumbayah ♪

♪ Oh Lord Kumbayah ♪

♪ Someone's singing Lord ♪

♪ Kumbayah ♪

♪ Someone's singing Lord ♪

[campers screaming]

[guttural groaning]

[Charn]: Ah, frick. Ah...

[flatulence] - Ugh... Son of a bitch.

[Charn]: Is he dead? [Sophie]: Oh, fuck.

[Tali]: Oh, my God.

[gasps]

[Sophie]: Oh, my God! Thank God he's alive.

[♪ Over Here Over There ♪ by Dr. Dog]

♪ I am the youngest of a family of spiders ♪

♪ I got a web... ♪

[Tali]: Okay, fuck the squishy ball.

Marry the concept of science,

and kill Toy Story Two.

[Charn]: What the fuck?

[Jacob]: Wait, what?! [Leon]: No!

[Bob]: I'm still on duty at work,

and if I don't get back--

- Slow down. Just slow down.

[phone ringing] - Hey, Danny, the kids

have been having an absolute blast.

[Danny]: Bob, Sophie Friedman's

mom is calling me, saying no one's answering

the infirmary phone. What's going on?

[Sophie]: Charness, what do you mean

three-state solution?

- Hey, hey, gotta go-- Charness, sit!

[busy signal]

Miss Ephraim.

48 hours, I'll have Leon packed

and pink-eye free, and that's a Bob guarantee.

[Leon]: Would you rather be made out of carbon

or all hydrogen?

- What the hell does that even mean?

- There is a right answer, though.

♪ I felt it on the moment that I met you ♪

[cheering]

♪ And that felt like a place that I should stay ♪

♪ So let's just clear the air ♪

[screaming]

♪ I am over here I'm over there ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Said I am over here ♪

♪ I'm over there ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

[music fades]

- You know, I'm sorry about Jackson.

I know how it feels to have everyone but you

in on a secret.

Charness once farted into my Nalgene

and said I ate his ass by the transitive property.

As if that's how the transitive property

even works. Frickin' moron.

- Men are pigs.

- Men are the whole damn barn.

And you know what? I'll frickin' drink to that.

- Not from your Nalgene, I hope.

[Jacob]: Soldiers! The final descent is upon us!

[Charn]: Woo!

[birdsong]

[uplifting music]

[chuckles]

- What a run-down piece of shit.

- I know. It's perfect.

Let's go!

[cheering]

[dust scattering]

[birdsong]

[glass shattering]

[click]

[pop]

[Charn]: Bingo! Found the fridge!

- Let's go.

[door clicks] It's locked.

Come on!

Goddammit.

- I got a plan.

Everybody take cover!

This place is about to smell like a frat house.

[spritzing]

[hissing]

[praying in Hebrew]

Allahu Akbar.

[explosion]

[scream]

[debris clattering]

[metal creaking]

[off-kilter music]

- Holy shit.

- Guys, we hit the mother lode.

[Jacob]: Old wine!

[cheering]

- Three, two, one!

- My name is Tali-- [campers chanting]

Oh, sorry. [laughing]

[Charn]: Three, two, one!

[all]: Soy bean. Yeah!

And easy cheese. Yeah!

- My name is Tali? - Yeah?

- I don't wear makeup. - Yeah.

- Who's gonna hook up? - Yeah?

- Charness and Jacob! [laughing]

[pounding on table]

[campers groaning]

[Jacob]: All right, gang!

The time has come for tonight's

evening activity.

And as promised, we are having a social!

[cheering]

And the theme for tonight's social...

Is a wedding.

- Who's getting married?

- Um, well, I actually, come to think of it, I was--

[Sophie]: Leon?

Will you camp marry me?

- Well, I-I haven't met your parents yet,

but... why the hell not?

[cheering]

- Yay... Yeah! That's... what I was thinking!

Yeah, let's go, guys, yeah.

[♪ I'm this I'm that ♪ by Moondog]

From instructional swim to free swim.

From Old Camp to new.

'Til death do you part.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

[cheering]

[laughing]

- Yeah! - I love being married!

[cheering]

♪ I'm this I'm that ♪

♪ I'm sharp I'm flat ♪

- 12 for 12! [all]: 12 for 12!

[♪]

[Leon]: I know how hard a wedding can be for you

considering that your parents' love was fake.

Those vows meant nothing.

- How do you know when a guy likes you?

- Anyone in particular you're thinking of?

- I've been waiting for him to like, make a move,

but nothing's happening.

- Dude, let's crush rap.

- Hell yeah, let's do it! Wait, can I do the remix part?

- Totally. How about next time?

- That's what you said last time.

- This place is amazing! Let's never leave!

Am I a bullfrog, 'cause it's hotter than July!

[Leon]: If it makes you feel any better,

it's usually not the kid's fault.

- I don't think it was my fault, yeah.

[Leon]: It's not because you did anything,

it's because you exist.

[Tali]: do you think he's like, embarrassed?

- Remix!

[Tali]: Like I'm following him around

and he doesn't even care about me?

- ♪ I'm here I'm there ♪

♪ I'm foul I'm fair ♪

[Jacob]: Hi. - Hi.

[chuckling]

- So, uh... whatcha thinking about?

- I don't know. What are you thinking about?

[chuckling]

- You know, at camp,

I always tell everyone that you're the most underrated.

- Underrated at what?

- Well, just in the rankings.

- Well, thank you so much for seeing my potential.

- What? - That's really great.

- No, no, no, Tali.

It wasn't meant like that, it was meant as a compliment.

I'm sorry.

Wait, I don't understand, are... are you mad?

- I'm fine, I'm just...

I should get some sleep, so...

[confused grunt]

[bottle sloshing]

[feet thud]

[soft music]

- Hello, my husband. [chuckling]

- Hello, my wife.

- Have you ever danced with someone before?

- No.

- I'll teach you. Come.

Put your hands on my waist. - Oh.

- Just like that. - Okay.

- There you go. Now just sway side to side.

There you go. Yeah, you got it.

[crickets chirping]

[distant muffled music]

- So, you gonna miss home?

- My whole family thinks they're so smart

and I'm the fuck up.

I guess they decided they were done with me.

But hey, looks like I'm done with them, too.

- Well, I think you're smart.

Like that one time when you forgot your line

in the play, and did the Star Wars

impression instead.

Like, you're really inventive.

[Yoda voice]: Thank you, I must.

[chuckling]

- So... do you miss New York?

I bet you have all sorts of cool things waiting for you.

Is it true that your best friends

are all older DJs?

[scoffs] - No.

My home friends are all kind of the same.

It's nice to feel special at camp.

- You know I also invented the remix part.

- Like, of the crush rap? - Yeah.

- That's the best part. - I know.

But Jacob's whole point is like...

He said it's better if he does it,

'cause it's more of a surprise.

- But what's the surprise?

Doesn't he do it every time?

- Thank you again for marrying me.

It multiplies my cool factor by like 1,000.

- Don't listen to what the guys say.

Trust me, when you're older,

you'll be cooler than all of them.

- Hope you're right. But for now,

the only thing that'll make you cool to them

is if you have your penis manipulated by a girl's hand.

- You mean a handjob?

- Mm-hmm. The devil's handshake.

- If you want,

you can tell the guys you got one.

From me.

- But why would I say that?

- Sometimes, you just gotta fake it 'til you make it.

- Okay, swear you won't tell anyone?

- I won't. - Like at all?

- I won't. - Please.

- What'd you do?

- I just, I did this dumb thing at school

where I told everyone I had this boyfriend from camp,

and that he was this hot French boy

who'd like, serenade me,

and was just like, obsessed with me.

Named Jacques.

- Wait. You mean Jacques-ob?

[soft muffled music continues]

- Then the girls were suspicious

and thought I was lying and asked to meet him,

so I said that we broke up

and he went crazy from the heartbreak,

and was sent away to a mental institution.

- Well played.

- Not really.

They figured it out.

And then everyone treated me like shit.

- Is that when you started talking to Alan the stalker?

- Yeah, there's also no Alan.

Sorry about

lying about that too.

I'm sorry.

- I don't give a shit.

I'm the same guy that catfished his principal

pretending to be a 42-year-old hooker named Kathy.

- Like, I told everyone from home

that I had this guy from camp that was obsessed with me,

and everyone from camp

that I had this guy from home that was obsessed with me.

But, really,

no one's thinking about me.

- I mean...

I think about you.

[chuckling]

[Yoda voice]: Kissed you, I have.

[chuckles]

Lord Anakin, don't slaughter the children!

[coughs]

- 0 600. Base...

Secured.

As the captain...

[radio static]

[Jacob]: The darkness

is his worst enemy.

[static]

- Udell.

Where are you? Pick up!

I'm coming to get you.

- That won't be necessary.

- Well, enjoy tonight. Truly.

'Cause when I find you tomorrow, it's all over.

- You wish, Bob. We're gonna--

- No, no, no. Not for them. For you.

Yeah, I heard your parents

don't want you coming back next summer.

- They're still deciding!

- No, it's decided.

They emailed the camp office

to withdraw you and everything.

[somber music]

[static]

Got your attention, huh? Good.

'Cause I'm about to make you an offer

one time and one time only.

I'm currently in Danny's office holding a ring of keys.

And one of these little buggers

opens Danny's lock box full of petty cash.

Added all up, and I would say it's quite a haul.

To the tune of, hmm, eight, nine grand.

That kind of coin would get you, maybe...

One more summer at camp?

Could be useful in event

your "run away forever" plan doesn't work out.

- No deal, Bob, I'm not taking your fucking bribe.

I'd never sell out my Dillos.

- You know, Udell, you and I aren't that different.

I bet in another life we could've been friends.

- Yeah. And in another life,

maybe my parents would like each other.

And I would have a four inch dick.

- I've been doing this a long time.

I love camp more than anything too, Udell.

Why do you think I stuck around so long?

Nah, I see myself in you, kid.

- We couldn't be more different.

You sit alone in the woods,

and I've got my Dillos keeping me alive and strong.

- You want to know how this ends, Udell?

I win, you lose.

- You're never gonna find us, Bob.

Not today, not tomorrow.

We're gonna make it.

'Cause we've got everything we need to survive.

[chuckling]

[birdsong]

[Sophie]: You okay, big man?

[groans]

- Okay, so, ideally,

we wouldn't have gone through all our snacks in one night.

But now, we get to see

what Old Camp pantry really has to offer.

Exhibit A.

Tali, peanut butter jelly time?

- Yeah, I guess.

[imitates fanfare]

- Ew. - Oh, god.

- Looks a little darker than usual.

- Is all the food expired?

- No, it just, this is just how they used to

make peanut butter before it got all woke.

- Jacob, it smells like my dog's asshole.

Aw, I miss my dog.

- Smells like my Nana when they found her body.

All mushy.

- She would've been proud of the woman you became.

- What the fuck?

[sinister music]

[sloshing]

[Charn]: Don't, just don't.

- Yeah, I... I like it.

[coughing]

What else do we have?

- Maybe like the beginning of a salad?

- Cook this guy up.

[Jacob]: The hell is that?! [Leon]: I am not eating that!

- Jesus. - No!

- Relax, I'd remove the eyes.

- Well I found a can of tomatoes!

[splash]

[Charn]: Hey, man, are you sure

this water's okay to fish in?

It looks like it's full of shit.

I feel like the rat was a good idea,

you didn't really give it a chance.

- Charness, just fish, please.

- Hey, did uh, did Tali say anything to you last night?

Like, about me?

- Nothing I can remember.

Did something happen?

- Well, which one's second base?

- You went to second base?

- No, I wouldn't kiss and tell,

I'm just wondering, generally.

- First base, kissing with tongue, and moaning.

Second base, tits out, no bulge, kissing and moaning.

Third base, you lick her butthole

and then you have dinner with her parents.

Did you do that?

Well, actually, I was going to say...

Tali's actually gotten a lot cooler

and funnier than I remembered.

- Oh Dillos!

What the fuck?

[dramatic music]

- Morning, gents.

I'd say I told you so, but I think it's pretty damn clear.

- How did you find us?

- You stole the map to old camp.

"Oh, let's do camp forever.

What a sustainable long-term plan."

You know there's a rat carcass on the barbecue?

Those things carry Ebola, right?

Leon. What the hell happened to you?

- Sophie stroked my penis.

- Okay.

Come on.

You know this plan was doomed.

Didn't you, Udell?

- Okay, fine. I'll take the deal.

[laughter] -

Kid, it's way too late for that.

But if it makes you feel any better,

I was never gonna give you that cash in the first place.

[Tali]: Jacob, what's he talking about?

[Bob]: Your fearless leader didn't tell you?

Jacob's not coming back next year,

his parents won't shell out the dough.

- Is that true?

- Yeah. He knew that.

And now, no one's coming back next summer!

Unless, starting right now,

you obey my every word.

I am bringing you back to camp

where you will sit in the infirmary

like God's perfect angels

until your parents arrive.

And then...

we write this off as our little secret.

- Sounds like a bribe so you don't get fired.

- Astute.

Udell, I think I speak for everyone

when I say we're gonna miss that keen intuition

when you're gone next year.

All right. Let's go. Hey, Jake!

Angus, don't move! Nobody move! Jacob!

[grunting]

Come on! Jacob! Udell, be reasonable.

[engine starts]

[Jacob screams]

[Bob screams]

[both screaming]

- What the fuck!

- Whoa, whoa!

- Holy shit! Get off the hood!

- Stop! - Never!

[rock music]

- Ah! Stop!

- You're too old for camp, Bob!

- You think you're tough? - No!

- You think you're gonna break me?

- Mow him down, Jacob!

[screaming]

- Get the fuck off, Bob!

I'm gonna buck you!

- You're gonna what me?

- I'm gonna buck you off the hood!

[screaming]

[Bob]: Evil, evil child!

- Cuddles.

[Jacob]: I think there's something on my windshield.

[screaming]

[Bob]: You got the devil in you!

You little prick!

- Yes!

- You're gonna kill us!

[tires squealing]

[Bob screaming]

[music builds]

- Bye-bye, Bobby!

- Whoa!

[screaming]

[campers scream]

- Oh my God!

[dramatic music]

- Did he fucking kill him?

- No, no, no, no. I can't go to prison.

I can't go to prison!

- Guys like me don't make it out of juvie.

[clattering]

[intense music]

- Nobody move.

- Oh, fuck, he's alive.

- Everybody run!

- I'll protect you.

For my wife!

[grunts]

- Leon!

- Leon! Leon!

Leon!

[shouting]

[spits]

- Fineman forever!

[panting]

- Shit.

[stream babbling]

[birdsong]

- Hi. Thank you.

[soft music]

- Pretty badass, right?

- Leon.

The last 24 hours has been so, so great.

- Agreed.

- But, I have to go back to the city.

And, Leon, you're ten.

And you live in Georgia.

- Wait, we're breaking up?

- I am in so deep right now.

I screwed up at work big time.

And if I can't find a way to fix this

and I lose my job, then...

Then there's truly nothing left for me.

- I don't want to go home.

- Leon, we can still be friends.

- Sophie, you're making the biggest fucking mistake.

- I have 150 kids who just...

absolutely hate me.

- All it really takes is just

love 'em, feed 'em, and put a Band-Aid on their knee.

It's really not so complicated.

- Oh, put a Band-Aid on their knee?

- Yeah.

- You forgot about the part where they defraud you

and run you over with your own truck.

[Leon]: Life's a bitch, Bob. Get in line.

- I'm locking you in. Good day, good night.

My key. Where's my key?

- So you're gonna steal 8,000 dollars

to pay for camp next summer,

and your parents aren't gonna ask where you got it?

- Of course they will.

That's why I'm gonna break it up

into a bunch of 18 dollar checks.

Say it's Bar Mitzvah gifts.

It's called money laundering.

This mission has now gone from a runaway to a robbery.

No one is getting kicked out of camp today.

Bob needs this to go away as much as we do.

So all you guys have to do

is get back to camp tomorrow morning before parents arrive.

And then I'll steal the cash box

and be able to pay for my own camp.

- Look, you're a total bitch

for not telling us about next summer.

- Agreed. Same page. I'm a bitch.

- But, you did throw Bob through a wall,

which was on the list of things

I need to see before I die.

I think we need to keep pushing forward.

- Yes! Thank you, Charn.

- Look, good things have been happening to all of us.

Not just you. Right, Tali?

- I guess that's true.

- Okay. Great.

So, I was thinking we head west

towards Hanlin's Peak.

[Charn]: Dude, Hanlin's Peak is like, cliffs.

Gimme that.

Combe's Bay is way flatter, and--

- That is way too long, Charn.

- It's really not.

- Come on. Let's go.

[tense music]

- You're not touching that cash, you miserable turd.

Oh, God dammit, why's he back early?

- Hey, Danny-O!

Thought I wasn't seeing you 'til morning.

[chuckles] Miss me too much?

- No, I just thought it'd be less of a hassle

if I sleep here tonight.

You know, in case the parents come over early.

- Oh, speaking of heading in,

I'd love to come inside

and see how the big man gets comfy.

- I'm gonna go in here--

- I can light you up a fire,

come inside and leave right after I light the fire.

- No, it's good, okay?

You should go to the infirmary. Okay?

- Uh-huh. Night-night.

- Yes. Do not come in here. At all. Ever.

Thank you.

[sly music]

- Bob?

[screams]

[Jacob]: Ah, so, I think the problem

was that the MI stands for miles

and not minutes.

My mistake, sorry.

[Charn]: So we're lost. Cool.

- What? No, we're fine. We're fine, okay?

- Well, I guess the map didn't mention

the giant fucking cliff.

Or did it?

Did it?

- No. No it didn't.

- Yeah, this is a dead end.

- Look, I have a plan.

If we go down slowly, and maybe go to that ridge--

- Great, why don't you do your plan,

and Tal and I will just meet you back at the--

- Okay, stop. When did you start calling her "Tal,"?

- Well, I mean, that's what you call her.

- What are you gonna do next? Hook up?

- What if we did?

- Wow. Just...

I can't believe you chose him.

- Okay. Fuck you! - Charness!

- You wanna write home?

[Tali]: Guys, stop it!

Should we get out the typewriter?

- Fucker!

- Dear mom and dad. Ding!

Jacob is a psycho piece of shit

who only cares about being in charge.

Ding! [Tali]: Enough!

- He won't eat anything spicier than a green pepper

and he once jerked off to a picture of his aunt!

- I told you that in private!

- I don't care! - She wasn't blood related!

[grunts]

And dear Mom and Dad.

Charness is a jealous dick... - Stop it!

Who faked his nut allergy for attention.

And he only likes Tali because he wants to be me!

[Tali]: Guys, stop it!

- Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! -

- Get off!

- I know your life sucks

'cause you don't have any friends.

- I do have friends.

- Yeah, like you have parents.

- Well at least my parents don't hate me.

- Why are you always in charge?

You think I'm the one who follows you?

I came up with the fucking crush rap.

Your remix ideas are aggressively unfunny.

I literally have a notebook

full of ideas that are way better.

Number one, Obama and Shabbat.

Number two, Danny if he was Jamaican.

Do you have any?

Come on. Give us an idea. Give us an original idea.

No? I'll go.

Yoda as Kim Jong Un.

Minion porn. Taylor Swift trying to juggle.

- Fine. Take the remix. I don't care.

- Oh, my God, you are such a fucking liar.

- No I'm not!

- Dude, you ruin any good relationship in your life.

[grunts]

- Dude! What the fuck? Give those back!

[Tali]: What are you doing? - No!

[distant clatter]

- Now you and all your friends can go find it.

- Fuck you!

- Tal, let's go.

- Wait. Please, wait, Tal, please, help me.

- That's all I ever do.

Are you ever once gonna think about me?

I wanted to be with you so bad

I literally started pretending we were together.

- Yeah. Except she had to make you seem way cooler

than you actually are.

She made up this entire backstory

about how you were a hot French psycho!

- Shut up!

- Why did you not tell me about that?

- Because it's humiliating.

- Almost as humiliating

as you hooking up with my best friend.

- Come on.

We only did that because we were mad at you.

- Ow.

- I mean...

You know what I mean.

- Yeah.

[Tali]: I wanna go home.

[sad music]

[birdsong]

[crickets]

- Where's Udell?

- Your guess is as good as ours.

For real.

- Get in.

[door shutting]

[radio static]

- Udell, can you hear me?

Udell, you there?

Can you hear me?

Whatever you're running away from,

staying back here ain't gonna fix it.

[static]

You can still turn this around.

It's not too late. You know?

I built my whole life around staying at camp.

Sounds dreamy until you wake up and realize

you got nothing left to live for.

[Jacob]: Bob.

You don't think that I have a plan?

I am getting that cash.

And tomorrow morning, before parents arrive,

I will be at the infirmary with the money in my hand.

Because next summer,

I am going back to camp.

It's a lose-lose for you, Bob.

Either you lose 8,000 dollars,

or you admit to losing five kids.

Either way, you are done.

- Okay.

Looks like we're gonna do this the hard way.

One of us is leaving camp tomorrow for good.

And newsflash, it's not gonna be me!

You got that Udell?

You ready to pack that duffel one last time?

Ready to take that last walk across Foster Field?

Udell?

Udell?

[dramatic music]

- Let's fucking go.

[off kilter music]

[groans]

- Shit!

[sinister music]

[Jacob]: From Danny's cabin

all the way to the infirmary.

[soft music]

[dramatic note]

- I got your nose, weasel.

- Excuse me!

- Oh, you must be Leon's parents. What a pleasure.

Look, I'm sorry, I have to step out, so I--

- We just wanted to do a quick comparison

of your camp's pink-eye protocols

with those of the CDC.

- Okay.

[tense music]

[breathing heavily] - I believe that we will win.

I believe that we will win.

[tense music building]

- Here, kitty, kitty.

Mother f--

[music sting]

[panting]

[motor rumbling]

[Bob]: What, did you forget where the infirmary was?

[engine roars]

[dramatic music]

- Where are the harnesses? No!

[engine slows]

- Udell! Just get down.

I'll get you camp.

You can keep the money!

Udell, please.

- Three, two-- Ah!

- Shit.

- Woo!

Fuck you, Bob!

- Udell! You've gone insane!

- Fastest way across camp!

Come on!

[zip line rasping]

No, no, no!

[grunting]

- Whoa!

Bobby's coming.

[tires screech]

- Whoa, Bob! Slow down there, buddy!

- I got a kid to save, you prick!

- So, would you like to head to the infirmary?

- Yeah, sounds good. - Yeah, come on.

[screaming]

Fuck!

Help! Please! Somebody!

- Let's go!

[grunting]

[intense music]

- Trust! Trust! Somebody!

Trust!

[groaning]

Trust!

- Fall!

[grunts]

[groaning]

[ethereal music]

- Dangerous! Irresponsible!

Are you fucking insane?

You could've been killed! Like...

Why are you like this?

Holy...

Okay, sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Sorry.

Actually, no, I'm not sorry. You should be sorry.

Now go sit down there. Now.

Sit down there. Don't move.

[door opens]

[grunts]

- Hey. Get your leg up.

This'll probably sting a little.

[groans]

That's a good one.

[soft music]

There you go.

[sniffles]

- I'm sorry about your car.

- Makes two of us.

- And I'm sorry your wife left you at the altar

'cause you circumcised too much of your--

- Appreciate it.

You know, Udell.

You stay at camp long enough,

you start to realize

part of what makes it all magic

is that it ends.

[Mark]: Jacob.

Let's go to the car.

[door opens]

[sobbing]

[♪ All of My Friends ♪ by River Whyless]

♪ All of my friends got hooked up last night ♪

[Mark]: Hi, guys!

[Dana]: Hey! Jacob, I'm so glad to finally meet you.

- Yeah. Jacob, you remember Gordon.

- Hey, Jacob! - Hello.

- Okay! - Let's get inside. Yeah.

♪ Show me what a body feels like in my hands ♪

♪ It's hard to remember ♪

♪ I've been looking for a new god of some kind ♪

[Jacob]: Either of you want a snack? We've got pasta.

- Oh. - That's... thank you.

- Yeah, I made it myself.

- Wow! Thank you. - Yeah.

- I just wanted to really formally apologize.

For everything.

And I'm gonna make it up. I promise.

I'll, I'll, I'll mow lawns. I'll become a house cleaner.

Jaylen's really good with crypto, so I--

- Okay, hey, Jacob, relax, it's okay.

- It's just...

I know I screwed it up with like everyone.

♪ All of my friends got hooked up last night ♪

♪ Now I'm feeling lost too maybe when the bees come ♪

♪ Maybe when the bees come ♪

- You are the greatest thing

that has ever happened to both of us.

- That's right. Yeah, things are different,

but that doesn't mean they have to be worse.

- But you have to give it a real try.

- Yeah.

♪ Tell me now when this went wrong ♪

♪ Tell me now when our words became empty ♪

♪ It was a cold sentence maybe I'm a helpless thing ♪

♪ It was a cold sentence maybe I'm a helpless thing ♪

- Hey.

Mind if I join?

- Magic club's open to all.

Today may just be lower attendance.

Probably a busy week for people.

- What's in this one?

- Give it a shake.

[rattles]

[chuckles]

You're a natural.

I guess it runs in the family.

Oh, hey Seamus.

Great to see you. This is Jacob.

He got exploding dice on the first try.

- Nice to meet you.

So, are you more of a mind freak or a card shark?

- Oh, no, I think he's just an observer.

- Well, no, I did actually have one question.

Do either of you have a trick

where you like break out of chains?

Like a mental patient.

- I can teach you that one. No problem.

But you know... hang on a sec...

I'm actually feeling a little nauseous.

[Gordon]: Oh no, oh, my God.

- Are you okay? Do you need water? I mean...

[groaning]

[laughter]

[playful music]

[Courtney]: And she said the movie sucked,

but it was good, like it was so funny too.

- Wait, could you say that again?

I couldn't hear you.

- Oh, don't worry, you weren't there.

There was this pinata and these clowns.

[Jacob, French accent]: Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour,

bonjour, Hommocks Middle School.

I am looking for a madame by the name of Talia Simani.

Sweet Talia...

- Jacob, what are you doing? - Baby, please.

Don't be a stranger. It's Jacques.

I've broken out of the asylum for you!

[grunts]

[children muttering]

[Courtney]: oh, my God. Wait, Tali, is this your crazy ex?

- Jacques J'udell, enchanté.

[girl]: oh, my God.

- I... I... Jacques,

I thought I told you.

We broke up!

- I, I just really--

[grunts]

- Dude! Get the hell out of my girl's face!

Talia is ours.

- It's okay, Courtney, I've got this.

Sit down, you're scaring people.

Also, the driver's gonna be back in a minute.

And she's like really protective

about strangers coming on the bus.

[Courtney]: He's totally real.

For the record, I always believed her.

- Thank you for that.

- Yeah. Of course.

[Driver]: What the hell is going on here?

I leave for five minutes,

and they tell me some French motherf--

[soft music]

- Hey, uh, buddy, I hope you don't mind,

I thought you might like to have

some friends here with you.

[all]: Hey!

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Udell. Well, well, well.

[Leon]: Hi, Bob. - Hey, guys.

- Bob?

- Wow, you look slicker than a greased watermelon.

- Thank you, Bob.

Kind of surprised to see you here.

- Well, I'll be honest.

I was kind of surprised to get the invite.

I'm thinking your dad thought I was a child.

Speaking of overgrown children,

where is the little fungal stump?

[indistinct chatter]

- Yeah.

Have you guys heard from Charn?

- Dana, from the moment we first met,

I knew the next chapter of my life had begun.

You fill me up with more joy

than I could possibly imagine.

And I vow to fill you up even more.

[Charn, coughing]: In bed.

- What? - Sorry. Allergies.

[sighs]

[babbles]

- Okay, um...

All of my life has been prologue

leading up to this moment,

as we embark upon this adventure--

[Jacob]: What is marriage?

If you asked a dictionary it would say,

"When two people get married."

But love,

that's a little bit more complicated.

Not that you guys need a reminder.

I mean you're both on marriage number two.

- Ha!

- You do crazy things to hold onto what you love.

And you do hold on tight

because you're terrified

of what it would be like if you lost it.

And sometimes you do lose it,

but maybe it's not fully gone.

I hope.

Um...

Here's to finding the one.

[glasses clinking]

[chuckling]

Am I a bullfrog or is hotter than July?

Ju-ly!

- Oh, my God.

[clatters]

- Um... Sorry, this is, uh, usually when--

- Jakey, baby, tell it to me fresh.

[both]: Well!

[banging on tables]

- Let's go! Crush rap!

My name's Jacob. - And my name's Charn.

[both]: And there's a funny little rumor

going 'round the barn.

A couple of love birds, we don't know who.

The chickens won't-- - Peep!

- The cows won't-- - Dad?

- We asked the goats, still no luck.

The llama said, "I don't give a..."

- You got this. Go.

- Oh, Jesus, there's more.

- Remix!

[cheering]

Hello, my name's Barack Obama.

[speaking Hebrew]

- Wow, he's finally doing it.

- Amen, y'all!

- Woo! Yeah, Charness! - Hello, vanilla latte.

- I think he's doing something racist.

[clicks tongue]

- Banana! Minion at Starbucks!

[sighs]

- God, it's just Minions. It's just Minions!

- You sir, what do you do for work?

Happy birthday to me!

Check your crotch.

The five of diamonds everybody.

[cheering]

- Oh, my God!

- Woo! Woo! Woo! Yeah!

[uplifting music]

- I have a dream!

[indistinct]

[crowd cheering]

- That's my boy!

[wolf whistle]

[Both]: Mark and Dana

hug and kiss!

Kiss! Kiss!

[all]: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

- Hey, yes!

[uplifting music builds]

[muffled RnB music]

- I really feel like people didn't get the Minions thing.

- It was perfect.

I totally got it.

That's how a Minion would act at Starbucks.

- Thank you.

- Seriously, you have to do that next summer.

- Yeah, well, about that.

I'm not coming back next summer.

- What?

- My new school does this mandatory summer session.

- I'm sorry.

- Honestly, I hate to admit it,

but my new school is kinda bomb.

My parents said I can't focus,

so now I get all these accommodations.

Like I can take tests for as long as I want.

They're such dumbasses.

[chuckling]

- Oh, you two whispering is never good.

- Don't worry, Bob.

Next summer, Fineman will finally be free of us.

- Well, that makes three of us.

Danny gave me the boot.

Udell, don't you go worrying about old Bobby.

- I can't believe we're never gonna be back at Foster Field.

- Well after spending many an off-season at camp,

I can tell you boys,

it's not the place that makes it feels like Fineman.

It's you Dillos running on the woodchip path

when I tell you to walk.

- Come dance!

- Hey, Bob, you want to join us?

- Oh, no, you go ahead.

I should play with the grown-ups.

- Are you sure? You don't know anybody.

- Go. Scram.

You too.

[cheering in the distance]

[♪ The Whole of the Moon ♪ by the Waterboys]

♪ I pictured a rainbow ♪

♪ You held it in your hands ♪

♪ I had flashes ♪

♪ But you saw the plan ♪

♪ I wandered out in the world for years ♪

♪ While you just stayed in your room ♪

♪ I saw the crescent ♪

♪ You saw the whole of the moon ♪

♪ The whole of the moon ♪

♪ You were there in the turnstiles ♪

♪ with the wind at your heels ♪

♪ You stretched for the stars and you know how it feels ♪

♪ To reach too high ♪

♪ Too far ♪

♪ Too soon ♪

♪ You saw the whole of the moon ♪

♪ I was grounded ♪

♪ While you filled the skies ♪

♪ I was dumbfounded by truth ♪

♪ You cut through lies ♪

♪ I saw the rain dirty valley ♪

♪ You saw Brigadoon ♪

♪ I saw the crescent ♪

♪ You saw the whole of the moon ♪

♪ I spoke about wings ♪

♪ You just flew ♪

♪ I wondered I guessed I tried ♪

♪ You just knew ♪

♪ I sighed ♪

♪ But you swooned ♪

♪ I saw the crescent ♪

♪ You saw the whole of the moon ♪

♪ The whole of the moon ♪

♪ The whole of the moon ♪

♪ With a torch in your pocket and the wind at your heels ♪

♪ You climbed on the ladder and you know how it feels ♪

♪ To get too high ♪

♪ Too far ♪

♪ Too soon ♪

♪ You saw the whole of the moon ♪

♪ The whole of the moon ♪

♪ Hey yeah ♪

♪ Unicorns and cannonballs ♪

♪ Palaces and piers ♪

♪ Trumpets and towers and tenements ♪

♪ Wide oceans full of tears ♪

♪ Flags, rags and ferryboats ♪

♪ Scimitars and scarves ♪

♪ Every precious dream and vision ♪

♪ Underneath the stars ♪

♪ Yes you climbed on the ladder ♪

♪ With the wind in your sails ♪

♪ You came like a comet blazing your trail ♪

♪ Too high ♪

♪ Too far ♪

♪ Too soon ♪

♪ You saw the whole of the moon ♪

♪ Oh oh oh did you see the whole of the moon ♪

[♪ Over Here Over There ♪ by Dr. Dog]

♪ I am the youngest of a family of spiders ♪

♪ I've got a web of my very own weaving ♪

♪ I know where I belong and nothing's gonna beat it ♪

♪ So I ain't going home just because I'm leaving ♪

♪ So let's just clear the air ♪

♪ I am over here I'm over there ♪

♪ I am over here I'm over there ♪

♪ Well the last time that I got lonely ♪

♪ I didn't even know your name ♪

♪ Once and again for the first time ♪

♪ Yeah it's hope but it ain't the same ♪

♪ I remember everything you told me ♪

♪ I remember you walking away ♪

♪ I felt it on the moment that I met you ♪

♪ And that felt like a place that I should stay ♪

♪ So let's just clear the air ♪

♪ I am over here I'm over there ♪

♪ I am over here I'm over there ♪

♪ We were around long before my birthday ♪

♪ They'll be around to throw flowers at my grave ♪

♪ Me and you got a history of history ♪

♪ Me and you two continuous waves ♪

♪ So let us fill the air ♪

♪ We are over here we're over there ♪

Subtitling: difuze