Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

So, based on the story of Moses,

how many of the Ten Commandments did my ex-husband, Bill, break?

If I am to understand "covet" correctly, five.

Her spray tan was on my sheets!

[inhales sharply, whimpers] Just watch a video.

Itchy and Scratchy in Sunday school?

It's a miracle!

[cheering]

- [Nelson grunts] - [Bart] Chest bump!

[God] Abraham, take your son Isaac to the land of Moriah

and make him a sacrifice unto me.

Stab the baby in the face!

[God] Halt! You have proven you love God.

I bless you and will multiply your seed like the stars of heaven.

[♪ "Smite, smite, smite" playing]

[singers] ♪ Smite, smite, smite, Then they're saved ♪

♪ God is the king of kings ♪

[Bart] Hmm?

What is this nice crap?

I want to see tummy ketchup.

Why the hell are Itchy and Scratchy shilling for God?

I'd never approve that!

How can you use my cartoons without my permission?

Because Itchy and Scratchy is so old that the copyright has expired.

Now they're in the public domain.

Anyone can use their image or likeness for free.

"Free" don't burn holes in my septum!

[laughs] Well, it's not just your characters.

The same thing has happened to such beloved properties

as Babar the Elephant.

[Krusty] What?

- Popeye. - Oh, no!

- Even Winnie the Pooh! - Oh, not Pooh.

This is a financial calamity.

Oh, I'm kind of into that lady kangaroo though.

They're stealing my money!

Oh, there's something about a skinny kangaroo.

Well, if you don't want the rest of your show to go into the public domain,

you have to modify your IP.

Put an original spin on your existing characters.

Original, huh?

I'll do what Warner Brothers, Disney, and the Muppets did

when they needed new and original.

Okay, Baby Krusty, you hit Baby Mel with a pie,

juggle a chainsaw, bowling ball and Baby Teeny,

then give me a big Jack Benny take to camera three.

And action!

Cut!

You call that comedy? Do you see me laughing?

Do you see anyone laughing? Well, do ya?

[crying]

Why didn't somebody warn me never to work with babies or animals?

[groans]

You're fired!

Plant a blind item in the press saying he got fresh with the craft services lady.

You, headphones, take this no-talent back to the jungle or wherever it came from.

Don't worry, little fella, I'll find you the perfect home.

Oh, my God. Are you seeing this?

Someone left a baby chimp in one of those little book houses.

[gasps] He's so cute!

Look at his little tiny finger pads.

Where'd he come from?

Who cares? If he's in here, he's up for grabs.

You and I could actually have a baby chimp!

We could turn the upstairs into a monkey playground.

We can grow Tarzan vines for him. How long do Tarzan vines take to grow?

[Bart] I don't know. We'll pay a guy.

We could turn Maggie's stroller into a monkey mobile.

And put bananas in the cup holder.

This just feels so right.

This is our moment.

- Open the door. - I'm opening the door!

Oh, he nuzzled me.

He fist-bumped me.

We've got a monkey!

We've got a monkey.

We've got a monkey!

Hmm.

Mmm.

[Lisa giggling]

And we can replace my bed with monkey bars.

My mind is sweaty with ideas for chimp Christmas cards.

Mom, Dad, the most amazing thing just happened.

We found a tiny chimp in a tiny house.

Isn't that so lucky?

It's the luckiest thing that ever happened!

A chimpanzo!

Kids, you've gotta find that animal's owner.

We did find its owner, us! He was abandoned and we rescued him.

We named him Mr. Goodboy because he's such a good boy.

He is! Such a great name, Lis.

- Who is Mr. Goodboy? Mr. Goodboy! - Mr. Goodboy. Mr. Goodboy.

- Mr. Goodboy. Mr. Goodboy. - [coos] Good boy.

We can't keep a monkey in the house.

That's gotta be the kind of lesson our family has learned at some point.

Oh, I know. A pet chimp is the worst idea in the world, but look,

it's the first time I've ever seen them yelling with each other,

not at each other.

Oh, check it out. The cat loves Mr. Goodboy.

They can get married.

Just give it time. This will fall apart before we know it.

One diaper change for Bart, and he's out.

The first monkey tick that Lisa finds in her bed? End of story.

So we just sit back, let the situation implode,

and the kids think it's their fault we're sending the monkey back to the Iceland

or wherever it came from?

Chimp-mate.

The rumors are true. The sloppy joe is made from monkey meat.

[kids gasp and scream]

[gibbers, screams]

[chatters]

Mr. Goodboy, are you okay?

[coughs]

Stupid kids, you got to pluck the fur off before you flour it.

Oh, why did I use you as an expendable prank prop

like some sort of Milhouse? From here on out,

I promise I'll do everything I can to keep you out of danger.

Mmm.

I wanna make sure you're hitting your social and emotional milestones,

so let's check out Mom's parenting books.

Ugh, that didn't work.

That couldn't work.

That led to Bart smoking a pipe.

"Free Range Parenting." They never even unwrapped this one.

Let me see.

"Give a child space to make their own mistakes,

and they'll grow up with less anxiety."

I have so much anxiety, mainly that I've been raised wrong.

Mr. Goodboy, I'm going to give you free range to learn from your own mistakes.

And now you've learned how money tastes. [nervous laugh]

Are we sure this bubble bath is safe for him?

You're such a worrywart all of a sudden.

Look, the label says it's tested on monkeys.

Oh, this is a nightmare. Our kids have become responsible.

[sighs] We better figure out how to take care of a chimp.

I'll get us a book.

A book? Oh, my eyes get so tired going right, right, right, then...

[sighs] ...left.

How about an audiobook?

My drive time belongs to Moe's podcasts.

He commits crimes, then solves them with the help of the Internet.

Okay, then we'll watch a documentary.

Shark Week, but Chimp Week?

Fine, a YouTube video.

Yes, come get me after the ad.

[narrator] Baby chimps are undeniably cute, highly intelligent,

and bond with humans quite easily.

It's no wonder people are tempted to adopt them.

[washing machine dings]

[exclaims] That's the laundry. You keep watching.

[narrator] However, as chimps mature, they can become violent and dangerous.

Adult chimps have a pull force ten times stronger than a man's,

and huge canines that turn their bite into a devastating weapon.

[whimpers]

[narrator] Luckily, chimps only attack when provoked.

[sighs] Oh.

[narrator] Except for the chimps

- who live with humans. - [shrieks]

[narrator] The mature chimp perceives his human caretaker as a threat

- and unmasks him by tearing off his face. - [exclaims]

[narrator] Or biting off a man's genitals.

[screams]

[narrator] Nothing provokes a chimp's bloodlust more

than a male human he perceives as a rival.

[laughs] No! No, no, no, no, Mr. Goodboy, that's my wedding ring.

You can't marry me because I'm married to Homer,

the biggest, strongest male in the house.

Oh.

There he is now, the banana-winner of the family.

You're a primate, but he's my prime mate.

- [chatters] - [Homer whimpers]

Okay, this kitchen is officially chimp-proof.

- [thuds] - [Mr. Goodboy screams]

Oh, no, Mr. Goodboy!

[whimpers]

What happened?

It's okay. It was just one little monkey jumping on the bed.

He fell down and bumped his head.

Well, I called the doctor,

and the doctor said, "No more monkeys jumping on the bed."

He's fine.

He jumped and got a little boo-boo. It's barely an owie.

This book taught me, "Don't hover. Let them discover."

You should love that. You're the bad-boy risk taker.

Yes, and it's a miracle I'm alive. Just look at my knees.

Ew.

Right? We have to be super careful.

Well, this says kids need to overcome their own obstacles,

and his biggest obstacle is your parental smothering.

It's our job to protect him from cuts and burns and adult situations.

It's our job to let him fall so he can learn to get back up.

We can't fight in front of the little guy.

Everything's perfect. We're a happy family.

We love you, Mr. Goodboy.

[Bart and Lisa grunting]

Marge, hypothetically, if I were to lose either my face or my snuggle factory,

which would you keep?

- Snuggle factory. - What?

Well, when we're snuggling,

I could try to imagine another person's face for the first time ever.

- Whose face would you imagine? - Seth Meyers.

Whoa, you sure had that ready to go.

[sighs] He just seems like he never has to shave.

Oh, come on, who would yours be?

Martha Stewart. She'd make me a great meal then boss me around a little.

[♪ lively trumpet music playing]

[music continues]

[music ends]

[groaning]

[screams]

[♪ mellow music plays]

[♪ ominous music playing]

No! It was a monkey surgeon!

[monkeys chattering]

[grunts]

[music ends]

What in the world are you browsing?

[Homer] Hockey masks and codpieces.

I've got to protect our most valuable possessions from ferocious chimp rage,

my Homer face and my trouser fruit.

That's ridiculous. He's just a baby.

Honey, every scrotum-shredding chimp starts out as an adorable baby

until one day they snap!

Just think, if worse comes to worse, how would I write my name in the snow?

[Lisa] You're coddling him!

[Bart] You're giving him bad habits!

What's all this fighting?

Stupid Lisa gave Mr. Goodboy a pacifier.

He just grabbed one of Maggie's.

Yeah, and she's a junkie on the pipe.

The only thing that's traumatizing him is all this yelling!

Was there ever a time when this worked?

Kids, it sounds like you're finding parenting is a lot of responsibility.

It does put a real strain on relationships.

When's the last time you two just went out and saw a movie together?

It's hard to admit, but maybe we are in over our heads.

- You're right, we need professional help. - Definitely.

They're going to therapy? What if they work things out?

Has it ever worked for us?

How could it work?

You spent the whole last session picking apart my Airbnb choices.

Read one review before you book! I beg you!

Great! You have fun with that while Lisa and I get some professional advice.

Nelson?

Where's Ms. Story?

Like art class, the music program, and Milhouse on his way to lunch,

she got defunded.

However, I've had lots of these sessions, so I decided to switch sides.

What are you struggling with?

We're co-parenting a baby chimp.

I'm trying to expand his horizons, and Bart is trying to stifle them.

How does that statement make you feel, Bart?

Annoyed, I guess.

Mm-hmm. How does this make you feel?

- [grunts] - Ow!

Interesting.

Look, you two were raised in a troubled home. Can we agree on that?

- Yes. - It's true.

Plus, it's not natural for a kid to have two parents.

How about we un-purple the nurple for a second and wedgie up this relationship?

What I'm hearing is that both of you love this monkey so much.

I love that you love Mr. Goodboy.

I love that you love him too.

Well, I'm afraid that's our time because I'm so bored with your stupid problem.

It's gonna take some work, but I think we can do this.

It's a process, but in the end, we're gonna be better parents.

Where's Mr. Goodboy?

[Bart] Oh, no! He's gone.

I'm trying to buy a car.

[hisses]

[pant-hoots]

Argh!

Oh, my God. We lost Mr. Goodboy!

This was your fault!

Mr. Goodboy ran away from school and we can't find him!

Me and my stupid free range-parenting. I should have put a tracker on his collar.

Wait, wait. I did put a tracker on him!

Why didn't you tell me that?

I just remembered! I'm new to being an annoying control freak like you.

God, you must be exhausted all the time.

I am.

There's Mr. Goodboy! He's inside some sort of compound.

"Freedom Chimps, A Libertarian Backyard Safari and Doomsday Shooting Range."

What the hell's that?

We are fighting for freedom of wild animals!

And they choose to use that freedom to take selfies with you.

Come interact with chimps, lions, and a dolphin in a bathtub.

And unlike government zoos, you're free to stick your fingers in any of our cages.

Stick 'em all the way in.

It's a zoo that exploits animals for profit!

So, a zoo.

[gasps] Mr. Goodboy's already on their site!

[Bart] But how did they chimp-nap him?

We got a call about a wild baby chimp roaming around this school.

Clark's gonna rescue him using the latest in animal recovery technology.

[screams, chatters]

We gotta get him back!

But I just put a frozen chicken pot pie in the oven!

Microwave it!

Soggy crust? I'd rather eat it frozen.

[bites]

Oh, I can't stop thinking about Mr. Goodboy in that terrible place.

Every moment he's locked up it's like my stomach's being noogied from the inside.

Oh, sweeties, usually people don't learn this until they're a parent.

Every time your child suffers, you feel the pain.

Just like voodoo dolls.

And it's harder for you two.

Unlike normal parents, you chose to have this kid.

Bart, you were right.

I should have been more protective of Mr. Goodboy. That's why we lost him!

No, he ran away because I was too overbearing.

I wouldn't let him watch Seinfeld. Jerry eats too much sugar cereal!

We couldn't help it, we didn't know what we were doing.

Well, the real problem is we have no model for good parenting.

Well, I guess that last Mother's Day card was all a lie.

Who are all these people? PETA activists?

No, competing documentarians.

Out of my way! I directed the third Fyre Festival doc!

I directed the second Theranos!

Hey, hey, Sam Bankman-Fried polycule doc coming through!

[chattering]

Oh, that sounds like Mr. Goodboy.

Oh, man. That's a lot of groin grabbers.

Mr. Goodboy!

Don't worry, baby, we'll get you out.

[gibbers]

Oh, no. That's his "I miss my home" ook.

Mr. Goodboy, here's the key. Unlock the door.

Don't worry, that'll come out later, just like Mom's lip balm did.

[chimpanzees pant-hooting]

[shrieks] These aren't babies! They're three-year-olds.

[both whimpering]

Marge, I need you to tell me the combination to my codpiece lock.

It's in my password manager app.

Just give him the damn cod-com code!

It's making me do a CAPTCHA. Is a "Don't walk" sign a traffic light?

Yes, foot traffic is traffic!

The code's 1-1-1-1.

Hey, monkeys! Chomp on these alpha bits!

Here it is. Ding-dong. Ding-dong.

[♪ "You'll Be in My Heart" playing]

♪ 'Cause you'll be in my heart ♪

♪ Yes, you'll be in my heart ♪

♪ From this day on Now and forever more ♪

♪ You'll be in my heart ♪

♪ No matter what they say ♪

♪ You'll be here in my heart ♪

♪ Always ♪

[music fades out]

Turns out this place violated 30 different regulations.

That's their reptile house.

Don't worry, all the animals are going to an actual wildlife sanctuary.

Fifty acres of perfect chimpanzee habitat.

You may take our monkeys, but you'll never take our secret monkeys!

Don't listen to my sister.

There are no secret monkeys or secret tigers.

Or secret tiger-monkey breeding facility.

Wait, they're brother and sister?

Oh, yeah, they found a circus bear cub in a trash can

and devoted their whole lives to obsessing about animals.

Your hippo dung showered another kid!

Oh, sure, when he sprays feces with his tail, he's my hippo.

You know, maybe Mr. Goodboy should go to that sanctuary.

Yes, it's probably what's best for him. Oh, and I'm sure going to miss him.

Kids, I know it's hard, but it's a parent's job

to sacrifice anything to keep their kids happy and safe.

As you've seen today, your father, as much as he loves his swimsuit area,

he loves you more.

[both] Aw. Ew.

♪ Ooh, you'll be in my heart ♪

♪ You'll be here in my heart ♪

[♪ "The Simpsons Theme" playing]

Come on, stupid machine!

Shh!