Original subtitles

Thank you. Thank you.

Where the fuck that's good should be a cracking weekend.

Hey by all accounts. It's a lovely hotel.

Oh You and me in a king-size Betty Not

good

is it in this position? I think I'd start getting a bit paranoid

You're a damn attractive fella.

When

you

pack it in, you single old dick!

Kofi Annan's just phoned.

He's offering you a job as a peace negotiator. You heard that racket from

next door. I can't hear anything over the noise you're making. I'm going to

come round there and turn that drill on you in a minute. There's no point in

getting... Just rise above it, be more neighbourly.

Ah, there you see?

What's this?

You can't have these. You're on a diet.

No, no, no. I was on a diet. I finished that yesterday.

Don't be ridiculous.

I've only been on it three days.

And how do you sleep this by me?

Kath, you said if I lost half a stone, I could have steak, kidney pie, chips and

peas as a reward.

Well, you haven't lost half a stone, have you, Dave?

You've barely lost half a pound.

You've just been twiddling the wheel on the scales.

That is not true.

Yes, it is.

Yellow.

Present for you.

Oh, thanks very much.

Is he going to be doing this much longer? I'm getting a headache.

I know, Mummy has said.

I don't know why I want security lighting anyway. It's got nothing worth

pinching.

Daniel? Nice beauty boy!

How you doing?

All right.

This is Daniel. Remember you went on that booze cruise with us? All right.

I thought you were living in France.

Yeah, I am.

I'm just over for a few days to visit my parents.

Thought I'd surprise them.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. Would have been, if they'd been home.

They've gone off to North Wales for a long weekend.

That's why I'm here.

There's nothing in the house.

Oh, I see.

Are you still with that French lass?

Juliette? Yeah.

It's great.

Perfect, really.

Though it's tough finding a job over there.

They all speak French.

Hey, so are you at Loose End this weekend, then?

Well, yeah.

Well, not any more, matey boy. You come with us.

What? Yeah, we're going on a car treasure hunt. Oh, that's going to be

magic. Hey,

the old booze cruise team back together again. Well, apart from Clive, he's gone

down the West Country.

Yeah, I heard.

Have you seen anything of Chloe since you've been back?

No, I hadn't planned to.

Oh, it's a bit of a tricky situation, really, isn't it?

You mean with her being the way she is?

Sorry?

Well, with her having... You know.

No? What?

Nothing.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Yeah, just ignore her. She's rambling. Anyway, treasure hunt.

My place, 8 o'clock in the morning. OK?

Right, yeah.

See you then. See you later.

Big mouth. Sorry, thought he knew.

Oh, every day it's something else.

Well, that was just so that you could stick around. I'd be able to watch TJ

grow up.

Yeah, exactly. How do you like that, you selfish slaphead?

Will you keep it down? The twins are asleep. Oh.

Sally, hi.

Daniel, how are you?

Fine, thanks.

Is Chloe in?

Yes, come in.

Chloe, you have a visitor. Look who's here.

Hi.

Daniel, how are you?

Yeah, good.

So... How are things with you?

Oh, my God.

What? I mean, oh, my God.

I mean, look at you.

You're... you're... Pregnant is the word I think you're searching for, Daniel.

Yeah.

Pregnant.

There.

All done.

About bloody time, too.

Not in the house, Maurice.

When's it due?

About three weeks.

Why didn't you tell me?

Why would I?

Well, I'm the father.

I mean, I am the father, aren't I?

Oh, bloody hell, there's been someone else.

Look, Daniel, can we please not go into all that?

He was just a guy I was at school with, that's all.

Oh. Lovely.

So he's the father then, is he?

No, I'm not saying that.

Well, whose is it then?

It's mine, Daniel.

Mine.

Well, yes, obviously it's yours, but it might be mine too.

Yes, it might.

But that's for me to know, isn't it?

Look, the last thing I want right now is a man in my life.

I know they're on again.

They're off now.

I can see that.

They're on again.

I know, you stupid old... Boris, it'll be a fox or something.

What, making them go on and off like that? No.

They're off again.

There must be a fork somewhere. I'll go and check the wiring.

Shut up!

Where have you been?

Um, out.

Doing what?

Nothing. You've been next door, haven't you?

Possibly. Oh, what have you done?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Ah, um, gotta go.

Well, where are you going now?

Work. I've had a call out.

Catch you later, babe.

Bye.

I said you should get a man in to do the job properly.

Instead of standing there having a dig, why don't you do something useful?

Like sticking your fingers in the light socket.

He's done it again.

Bloody Randall.

Where is he?

Sorry? That delinquent husband of yours, where is he?

He's out. He's working.

What, this time of night?

Computers don't just break down in daytime.

If he gets a call, he has to go.

He's not off enjoying himself, you know.

What the bloody hell's that?

I've got to put in for a bigger car.

What? That's the best I can look forward to.

Is it? A bigger car?

Is that where our relationship's heading?

Um, no, no, of course not. I want us to go away together, Rob.

A nice hotel with a spa and a sauna and a bed. And we will, Jax, I promise.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I've got it all planned.

When?

Uh, soon.

Oh, good.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

There's blokes out there with machine guns.

That's your husband and his vigilante mates.

Oh, they were stupid.

Bit excessive, innit? Look at me!

Walk towards me!

Whoa! Steady! Look, what is all this about? We were just having a bit of a

fumble in the back of the car. Yes, sir, but you've chosen a rather sensitive

area for your bit of a fumble.

Chevening.

Chevening? Yes, sir. The Home Secretary's driveway.

We're next Downing Street. Shut up.

Wish I hadn't told you, Leon. God, you don't have pushy, I'll admit.

Why'd you do it?

It's just a bit of fun. Nobody gets hurt.

Oh, yeah. And Leonie, what if she finds out? I'll just have to make sure she

doesn't, won't I?

Is that Daniel?

Oh, yeah. I bumped into him yesterday. He's come with us.

Oh, great.

Watch it, Danny boy.

Or should I say bonjour?

Oh, right, yeah.

Hiya, Rob. You're still with your French bird, are you?

Juliet, yeah.

It's going really well.

Morning, matey boy.

Morning, Dave.

You made it the night, good lad.

Oh, what time is it?

We've got to get a move on.

I'll go and see the girls.

Morning, Morris.

Yeah, morning, morning.

Hello, Daniel.

Oh,

I didn't expect to see you.

Yeah, he's coming with us, ain't you, Danny boy, eh?

Eh? Eh?

Yep.

Wow. Where do you get this from, Morris? Yeah, it's a little gem, isn't it?

I borrowed it off a mate from my bowls club.

Wow.

Why waste money on an overpriced hotel when you can have all the comforts at

home in the back there?

Well, better get off and pick up the girls.

I'll see you at the marshalling point.

You bet.

Oi!

I want to work with you. You've ruined my lawn, you have. Look, it's Mr Whippy.

I'll have a 99 and a chocolate ice, please.

He wrote tit on my lawn with weed killer.

It's not funny.

It's going to take ages to grow out.

Bloody vandal. I don't know what you're talking about, Morris. No, you never do,

do you? One of these days, I swear, I'm going to... I will, I'll tell you.

Yeah, whatever.

Pick any one you like, mate. They're all in the same box. Oh, shut up!

Looming lunatic.

Bloody hell.

What? He's come.

Who has?

Marcus. Oh, Marcus.

I met him in a chamber of commerce a while back.

He's the boss of this big development company.

They order more shower fittings than you've had hot dinners.

From you?

Yeah, I wish.

Yeah, no, I've been playing him ever since. This could be big, very big.

Er, will you do me a favour this weekend, Rob?

Could you not be quite so... Well... Rob.

What's that supposed to mean?

I've just got to keep in with him, that's all.

Don't jinx it for me, will you?

Good morning, David.

Marcus, lovely to see you.

Please. Thank you so much. This way. Thank you.

I'm not travelling in that.

Why not?

You said you were going to hire a car. Where did you get that from?

I borrowed it. From Stockton, son.

Listen to me, Maurice Stringer. We cannot turn up at a smart hotel in that.

Well, we won't be, will we?

What do you mean, we won't be?

Why spend money on flash cars and a sprauncy hotel when you've got a flash

car and a sprauncy hotel all in one?

You're not suggesting we sleep in that thing? Wait till you see inside, Gracie.

It's a little palace.

It's got a toilet, shower, telly, little gas stove.

I am not cooking on my weekend away.

Yeah, all right, all right.

We'll find a wimpy or something. A wimpy?

Come on, get moving, or we'll be late.

You haven't heard the last of this.

Ah, Marcus, this is Leonie. Hello.

Delighted to meet you, Leonie.

This is my wife, Kath.

How do you do? Yes, indeed.

This is Rob, Leonie's husband.

All right. How do you do?

You know, I was a bit concerned that I might be underdressed, but clearly I

needn't have worried.

Who's the creep? He's a big banana in a building company.

With any luck, he'll be giving my day of a lot of business.

This is young Daniel. He's just back from France for a couple of days. Ah,

bonjour. Nous avons une compagnie française à Poitiers.

Avez-vous travaillé là-bas pour longtemps?

Sorry, mate, I didn't quite catch your name.

Marcus Foster.

Sorry, are you saying Forster or are you saying Foster with a Ponzi accent?

It's Forster.

I'm no wiser.

Shall we get going?

Absolutely. Wagons roll!

Before we go any further, Marcus, I go in the front, all right?

But of course.

I never travel in the front.

I thought you preferred being in the back of cars, Rob. Will you shut up?

Well, this door is not going to open by itself, is it?

Sorry, Marcus.

Actually, that's where you're wrong. Have a look at this.

Very good.

Well done, mate.

You've really pulled a rabbit out of the hat with this one. What a winner.

I'll give him a chance. He'll be all right.

Trust me.

Pets would pioneer it. First time?

You're going to have a lot of fun.

Pack dot.

Pack.

Right. Here we are.

Hi. Hi.

It's Daniel again.

Look, can you give me a call when you get this message?

Thanks. Bye.

Oh, it's a bit of all right, eh, Marcus?

Ooh, we're gonna have a great time. One hopes, one hopes. Yeah, I wouldn't have

expected to see you here, Marcus. I wouldn't have thought it was your sort

of thing at all, really. It isn't, but the ladies from my wife's book club are

taking over the house for the weekend, and it was made abundantly clear that I

was surplus to requirements.

And then when I foolishly mentioned your little shindig, my wife insisted that I

come along.

You don't think for one moment I'd be here voluntarily, do you?

So your missus has kicked you out, has she?

Let's say that I merely opted for the lesser of the two evils. Oh, well, you

won't regret it, Marcus. We have a lot of fun, don't we, Rob? Fun doesn't begin

to describe it. They are, see?

Where did we finish last year, lad?

Last, I think, Rob.

Yeah, I think you're right. And the year before that? Oh, last again, I think,

Rob. Yes, you're right again. Just ignore him, Marcus. We're bound to do

better this year with such an educated man on board.

Wherever we finish, you're going to enjoy yourself.

Well, I suppose there's a sort of ghastly fascination in watching the

working class making idiots of themselves.

Listen, mate, no one's begging you to come. If you don't want to be here...

Yeah, thanks, Rob.

Joke.

Oh,

look.

It's the hedgehoppers.

Oh, and the Bromley boys. They came third last year.

You have to have a name. It makes it more fun.

Does it?

Tell them our name, Dave.

We're called the Booze Cruisers.

Why? Well, because we all went on a booze cruise last year.

It's all up here.

Fantastic, wasn't it, Rob?

Oh, look.

Stick dastardly in the wacky races.

You seem to be making a lot of calls. Is there a problem?

Oh, no, no, no. I've just got to call my girlfriend.

Ex-girlfriend, actually.

I think I've made her pregnant.

So, you've all got your packs.

Containing maps, clues and answer sheets and the like. Now, don't open them until

I give you the word, all right?

Now, for those of you who've done it before, you know the drill.

Some answers need to be written down, some need objects to collect, and some

just need photographing. Now, apropos of this, Dot is passing out

Polaroid cameras and film.

Oh, it's going to be one of those weekends, is it?

Behave.

Who's that then, Morris? Your pit crew?

Ah, shut up.

I still want to talk to you about my lawn.

OK? Now, these cameras are to be used to take photographs of certain landmarks en

route and have been kindly donated by Malcolm.

Thank you, Malcolm.

Now, you'll know which they are.

because I've put a little camera symbol next to the relevant map reference on

your form, OK?

And thanks also to Dave, who's donated the first prize, a case of champagne.

So I look forward to seeing you all at about 1.30 at the Royal Oak in Laycock

Green, where I shall be collecting your first set of answers and issuing...

Pack two.

Good luck, everyone.

Oh, and remember, this is not a race.

This is not a race.

Why do I bother?

Cardot.

Where are you going? I'll be a sec.

We're going to be last again.

Oh, Marcus.

Please, let me... There we go.

Oh, you...

What's going on? Nothing.

Who's that?

It's, uh, it's work.

Right, let's get the pack open. That's a good idea. Might be useful to know where

we're going.

Enough or not?

Nothing.

We've eight dozen cans of lager, five dozen breezes, three bottles of whiskey

and three bottles of vodka.

Is that going to be enough?

Enough for me.

Hello?

Hi, Chloe.

It's me.

Look, I don't want to nag, but I still need to know if I'm the father of this

baby.

Or if it's the other bloke.

Oh, for goodness sake, Daniel.

We've been through all this.

Yeah, I know.

I just don't think you're being particularly fair.

I'm sorry you feel like that, but I can't talk about it right now. I'm

having a party this evening and I've got a lot to do.

A party?

But you're pregnant.

Hey, don't overdo it. It's just a few of the girls coming over, that's all. Oh,

right, yeah. But still... Sorry, Daniel, I can't talk about it right now. Got to

go. See ya. Bye.

So, what's the first clue?

At Helder Bridge, your star sign looks quite good today.

Look for the one after the ram.

Well, that's straightforward enough.

Good.

And there's a camera symbol, so we have to take a photo of something.

What's he shooting for, bloody idiot?

One after the rum. What's that supposed to mean? I would think it fairly

obvious. Mind you, I do do the Times crossword every morning, the cryptic

one. Excuse me, I do crosswords too, you know. Yeah.

But you do the ones with a picture of a hat with an H crossed out and a C

written in.

I'll let Marcus have the sheets, Rob. At least that way we stand a chance. No,

I'm a regular on these things. Very well.

If you think you can do better. OK, let's see.

One after the ram.

One after the ram.

You know, I think we've got to look for the next star sign after the ram.

Virgo, we're looking for a virgin.

Well, you may be looking for a virgin, but we're looking for a bull.

The next star sign after the ram is Taurus, the bull.

We're looking for a bull somewhere near Helder Bridge.

It's coming up in a mile or so, Morris.

Well done, Gracie.

We're off to a flying start.

What do you mean, we?

Gracie Salter, you've done nothing. Nothing?

I'm doing the driving.

i haven't driven since the war and i could do better than you oh right you

want to drive do you right yeah all right then come on oh stop it morris

stop it the pair of you what's he hooting for it's been

like that all bloody morning

No, I'm not sure this is right, Rob. I can't see any of the others.

Would they really ask someone to climb into a field with a bull? Of course they

wouldn't. You lot really can't bear the idea of me getting it right, can you?

All right then, Robbie.

There's the camera. Over you go.

Uh, me?

Um, no.

Here, Marcus, you'll be needing that.

He's joking, of course, Marcus.

Um, I'll go.

I'll come with you, darling.

You better be right about this, Rob. I am right. Look, there is Helder Bridge.

There is Taurus the Bull. What else could it be?

Well, we need to be in front of the sign. Yeah, all right.

Right. Give us a smile.

Can't you do better than that?

Oh.

Keep still.

It hurts.

I know it does, darling.

But look on the bright side.

At least we've got the picture.

Yeah. Plus, you must have lost a couple of pounds with all that running about.

You're looking for a smack in the mouth, you are.

It is a brilliant picture, though, Dave.

No man is this.

Intelligent. Adult.

Worth keeping.

Bugger off!

I'm fed up with this.

No man is this.

No man is this.

Excuse me.

I think it would be a good idea if I took over now, don't you?

No. Why?

Well, your first foray hasn't exactly covered you in glory, has it? Come on,

give him the pack, Rob.

No. Go on, Rob. No, why should I? Dave.

Just give it to me.

Blinding trip this is turning out to be. He's a good boy.

Can have some sweeties later on.

Ah, you know what we've forgotten?

Servies.

We've got kitchen roll. Fair enough.

Guess who?

Hello, Daniel.

Oh, hi, it's me.

Just checking in.

Everything all right?

Yes, yes, everything's fine.

Good, good.

Right, well, I'll get off the phone then.

Speak to you later, yeah? Yes, I'm sure you will.

Bye.

She's panicking.

Bless.

I think I calmed her down, though.

Yes, you must be a great comfort to her.

Oh, here we go.

There we are.

No man is this, an island.

Oh, well done, Marcus.

Yeah, well done.

I'd have got it eventually.

I would.

Apparently, there's a flag on the island we've got to collect.

Easy peasy.

Right, off you go, Rob.

What do you mean, off you go, Rob?

Well, this flag is not going to collect itself, is it?

Go on, then, you go. Ah, very good.

I told you it was a character, didn't I, Marcus? Go on, Rob, in you go. Roll your

trousers up. Go on.

Do we know how deep this is?

Well, no more than 10 or 12 feet.

How long can you hold your breath?

I think I can see the bronze.

Maybe there's a boat. Oh, get on with it.

Oh, God! Bloody freezing!

Oh, would you like me to run in a bit more pot?

You found it then?

How'd you get out there?

I walked across.

What are you, Jesus? You're bone dry.

There's a bridge on the other side.

What are you doing in the water?

There's a bridge on the other side.

You know, I thought that might be. Well, what wrong with me, you matey boy?

Hey, Grace, come and look at this.

Oh, do me a favour.

How's your salad, Dave, all right?

I think it's admirable when morbidly obese people make an effort to lose a

few pounds.

Can I let him say that? Some of the circumstances I thought about, yeah.

I think we should have another drink.

Good idea, Margaret. I'll have a St Clement's.

Or maybe I'll just go and get him in again.

I'll get him, Dave.

Thank you. I'll have a large gin and tonic, please. I'll give you and Sam

again. Ladies.

Oh, yeah.

Got your answers?

That's good.

Photos? Hello.

Excellent. Got your flag.

It's all right. Yes.

Good. Yes.

You all right,

Mum? Yes, thanks.

Have you dried out yet?

How have you all been getting on?

I'm not too sure, actually, Grace. Rob's been helping us with the clues.

Has he?

Dear, dear, dear, dear.

I assume you got the ball pub. That was the easiest one, we thought.

Marcus did say.

Yes, yes.

Thank you. Who's Marcus?

I am.

Oh.

I don't think we've been formally introduced.

Maurice Stringer. How do you do?

Hello.

I'm a neighbour to these reprobates. Yes, of course you are.

Are you from Petswood too?

No, Farnborough Park, the Glen.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Very nice.

This is my wife, Grace.

Hello. How do you do? That's her mother, Elsie. Hello.

Delighted.

You enjoying the treasure hunt, Marcus?

Oh, I'm beside myself.

The Stringers are doing really well. The Stringers?

It's our team name.

It's not a team name. That's your surname.

So? Well, you should have a team name that refers to your team.

Oh, here we go. Like Tithead and Co.

See who I have to pull up with?

Anyway, as I was saying, we're doing really well.

Thanks to Grace here.

She's amazing at this sort of thing. Amazing.

Here. Do you know what I sometimes call her?

Amazing Grace.

Yeah.

Hello.

Everyone enjoying themselves?

Yeah. Good.

Stringers and the Booze Cruisers. Got your answers?

Good.

Photos?

Excellent.

Just the one... Little flag?

Good.

and question five cones well done

booze cruisers

marcus did say yes yes i know

marcus did say can we just drop it now please

Right, anything else? No, that's all. Thanks, love.

You're all right, Danny boy. You take them. I'll sort this out.

Cheers.

Can I have a slice of that pie, please, love? Certainly, sir.

Salad or chips?

What do you think?

Right, everyone happy?

Yes. Good.

Ready for stage two?

Yes. Good.

Packs, Dot.

Now, five clues to be done this afternoon, and then we're off to the

Linton Springs Hotel, where we're all staying tonight.

Not quite all.

Oh, by the way, now, question three, what is the garden gnome in the front of

Honeydew Cottage doing? Well, of course, the answer was supposed to have been

fishing. However, some bright spark stole his rod.

But we're accepting both answers, all right?

You're right, Mum.

Do you need the loo before we go?

Yes, I think I'd better.

I'm feeling a bit poorly.

Are you?

No rush.

Oh, stop it.

All right, let's roll.

Where's Rob? He's outside making a call.

All right, let's go.

Hang on a minute, love, you've quit yourself.

Huh? Have you done that?

That's ketchup.

No, no, can't be. Come on, we've got to go.

David, what have you been eating?

Look, I'll tell you what, as soon as I know, I will give you a call and maybe

we can get together.

I'll tell you what, try rebooting your hard drive.

Yeah. Yeah, that ought to do it. And any more problems, just give me a bell.

Okay, bye.

All right?

Yeah, yeah.

Think I'd be able to get away from work for one weekend, wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you?

I had no idea you were so indispensable.

Come on, what have you been doing? I've told you, nothing.

You're lying. I'm not. That's my heart. That's not your heart. Oh, give it a

rest, will you? See you off, then. Oh, no, we went for Marcus.

He's not one to be rushed.

Leave him here. That'd be my vote. I tell you, Dave, if he says one more word

of me, I'm going to thump him. Do you want me to go and get him?

Oh, yeah, cheers, Danny boy.

Look, I don't like him any more than you do, but I stand to make some serious

money here. Just keep a lid on it, will you, Rob? Yeah, all right.

But once he's signed the contract, I'll thump him then.

Look at everybody. They're all going. We're going to be last again.

And there you are.

Oh, I do hope I haven't kept you all waiting.

No, no, no, Marcus. No rush whenever you're ready. By the way, Marcus, I am

doing the next clue.

Look how exciting.

I wonder where we'll all end up this time.

Come on, Grace. We're falling behind.

Mum's not feeling well, Maurice.

But she'll be all right.

She's not well, Maurice.

I think we should stay here and let her lie down for a while.

Stay here?

Oh, no.

Look, I'll tell you what. Why don't we put her in the back of the camper van?

Then she can get her head down for a couple of hours.

Well, all right. Is that all right with you, dear?

Good girl. Come on.

Come on, hurry up.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Say meow.

It's going well.

And it's hi-ho silver lining.

Everywhere you go now, baby.

I see your sun is shining.

But I will make a fuss.

Because it's obvious.

Do, do, do, do, do.

Everywhere in the world, baby.

You're late.

It's a wonder we're here at all with Rob doing the clues.

This way.

No, I'm sure we've been this way before.

Oh, looks the same to me.

Hey, you got any shears?

You all right?

Yeah.

What are you going to do about Chloe?

She hasn't given me much choice.

She doesn't want me involved in any way. She thinks I'll be sticking around for

all the wrong reasons.

Well, she might be right.

I mean, you and Juliet, you've just got yourselves sorted out, haven't you? You

don't want to give that up.

No. I still think I should give Chloe some kind of support, you know?

Financial? Emotional?

She's a modern girl, Danny boy.

Modern girls can cope on their own.

Is this the middle?

I can't see her, Sandar.

Oh, come on.

Look, just don't rush into anything, OK? Just think about this.

Oh, well.

You going through?

It's a tricky one now, isn't it?

What's a tricky one?

Oh, that's Chloe. She wants to bring the baby without any help from Daniel.

You jammy bugger, how'd you swing that one? I'm trying to give him some advice,

Rob. Well, I'll give you some advice. Get yourself back to France before she

changes her mind.

I'm telling you, Daniel, you might think that getting shacked up with a woman is

all cosy and romantic, but give it a couple of months, she'll be all over the

baby, you'll be out of the picture, and all you will have to show for it will be

sleepless nights and jumpers that smell of babysick. Want my advice?

Stay single.

Excuse me, lads.

Incoming. Hello?

Well, that was helpful.

Ah, shut up!

Can we stop, Morris? I need the loo.

Mum will want to stretch her legs.

Let's stop and have a cup of tea.

Tea?

Oh, all right.

Now.

Don't you dare.

Well, it looked all right, that thingy.

Oh, there you are.

I'd almost given up hope.

We've been wondering about it here for ages.

You could have given us a shout.

And spoil your fun?

I hardly think so.

Come on, everybody.

Hurry up, Rob. Take the photograph.

I haven't got a camera.

Won't be long.

A quick ten minutes. I'll go in and order the tea.

Ah, well, that explains everything.

Morris!

Morris!

You won't believe what he's done this time. Look, it's Mum.

I think she's... she's dead.

No, surely not.

Oh, Grace.

I'm so sorry.

Excuse me, can you help? My wife's mother has just passed away.

Dear, what ward was she in?

She's not in a ward. She's in the camper van.

It's gone.

Oh, my God.

Somebody's stolen mother.

I don't know why the hell we've made this, Kev. Because, my friend, here we

fall of good gear.

Trust me, Carl, these things are always full of surprises.

Is

Dave still

upset about missing that clue in the woods?

Oh, don't worry about him, love.

He'll get over it once he's had a hot bath and something to eat.

We can put you in room 218, sir.

Oh, I would prefer it sweet.

If you have such a thing. Of course, Mr. Forster. The Wyndham suite?

Excellent. You getting a suite?

Yes. Ooh!

Hear that, Daniel? His lordship's in the Wyndham suite.

Oh, dear, how sadly predictable you are. You resent the fact that I have status

and money and all you can do is respond with low-grade scorn and contempt.

I'll do what I can. You know, I've employed people like you for decades.

Talentless drones who lack motivation and ambition.

For you, it's anything for a quiet life, whereas for me, it's anything for a

better life.

Now, I would love to stay and indulge in a battle of wits with you, but I don't

fight unarmed men, if you'll excuse me.

Hey, got a carvery tonight. Should be good.

I'm going to get a drink.

What was that?

I don't know the registration number, but it's easy enough to spot. It's a

white camper van with Hoot Me, I'm a Tosser written on the back.

Bloody hooligan.

I'm going to have worse... Oh, shut up! Shut up, you stupid, insensitive old

fool. I've lost my mother, for God's sake.

Oh, yeah, right.

Sorry, Gracie.

Must be the grief of speaking.

Hi!

Hello.

Chloe. Chloe!

Hi.

I hope you don't mind I've brought a friend.

Of course not. Come on in.

Dominic? This is Chloe.

Chloe, this is Dominic. Yes, I know.

Oh, bloody hell.

Mr and Mrs Swainer, I have some news for you.

Have you found the camper, then? We found your mother.

Oh, thank God. She was all over the M11.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, sorry.

Let me rephrase that. Your mother is alive and well. She's alive?

Yes. She was driving the camper van in an attempt to get to your sister's place

in Watford.

But she hasn't driven since the war.

That's probably why she was all over the M11.

We thought she was dead.

Not dead.

Just exhausted, according to the police doctor.

And she's all right, you say?

She's fine. A little disorientated, that's all. They're checking her out at

Watford General, and your sister's going to pick her up. Oh, thank you, officer.

Thank you so much. What a relief, isn't it, Morris?

Oh, yes, yeah, absolutely.

I say, when are you bringing the camper van back?

I'm telling you, Lone, I came that close to thumping him.

Talentless drone. I'll give him talentless drone. Who the bloody odds do

you think he is?

Pillock. I tell it. I don't care what Dave says.

If that kid says one more word to me, I'm going to thump him one. I know it's

going to cause problems for Dave. I don't care. I'm going to thump him.

Whose is it? I mean, is it... Oh, for goodness sake, Dominic. I'm not looking

for a man in my life. I'm bringing this baby up on my own.

Oh, yeah?

Cool. Hello?

Aren't you going to introduce me?

Sally Dominic?

Dominic Sally.

Dominic? The Dominic? Yes.

Well, this is going to be an entertaining evening.

Are you sure I can't tempt you to a glass of champagne?

No, thank you, Marcus.

So your mum's all right, then?

Yes, she's fine. I rang my sister, and she said mum is none the worse for her

ordeal. That's fantastic, Pannicover. Must be a great relief to you, Morris.

Oh, yeah, great.

Had to shell out a small fortune on new clothes and toiletries. All our stuff is

in the camper van.

I bet we never get it back.

Oh, shut up.

Just saying.

Bit noisy through there, isn't it? I think I'll go and have a word. You'll do

no such thing. It's an engagement party.

Let them enjoy themselves.

Let's have another round.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Oh, what? Me?

Oh, yeah, right.

Same again.

Yes, please.

Well, the booze cruisers are probably six.

Six? Hey, we're not last anymore.

Oh, no, with the stringers pulling out, there's only six left in the field.

Oh, bugger it. Wish we hadn't missed that clue in the woods.

Well, it's not too late, Dave.

We're not collecting the answer sheets until 11, and then me and Dot are going

to be up until 1 marking them.

Aren't we, Dot?

Hey, that's it. We go back to the woods and photograph that last clue. I know

exactly where it is. Get caught.

What? You haven't eaten yet? Half an hour there, half an hour back. Piece of

cake. You coming, Danny boy? Oh, yeah. All right.

I must be mad.

Hello.

Good evening.

Are you on your own?

Sorry?

Would you like some company?

Company? With me.

Oh.

Er... Well, that's very nice.

I'm with some friends, actually.

They're over there with my wife.

Oh, I see.

Oh, well.

Another time, eh?

Why don't you come and join us?

I don't think so.

Thanks.

Don't worry. We'll be back before you know it. I'm going to keep him company.

Make sure you've got your phone with you. You wouldn't want to miss any

messages. What's that supposed to mean? Come on, mate.

What's going on?

Nothing. Here you go.

You're going to have to watch out, Grace.

You've got competition.

What are you rambling on about now?

The woman over there was trying to chat me up.

What, the one in the blue dress?

Yeah. She's a prostitute, Morris.

What? I mean, ask yourself, what woman who looks like that is going to be

interested in a rattled old specimen like you if money's not involved?

What?

I mean, she hasn't said anything, but I reckon it's mine. You think?

I thought you only did it once.

Yeah, once is enough with me. I mean, we're talking quality, not quantity,

yeah? Really?

Yeah. I remember this bloke, Daniel, at school. He's a little scrawny geezer.

He's probably got a little scrawny sperm.

That stands to reason, doesn't it? Whereas I have got torpedoes in my

trousers. What a class act you are.

No, no, no, no, no. All I'm saying is, if they wore uniforms...

My sperm would be SAS, or his would probably be Salvation Army.

Half an hour there, half an hour back.

You'll be home before you know it. We've missed dinner, we've missed the

deadline. Must be around here somewhere.

It's a storm crossing. You said you knew where it was. I do. It's in this forest

somewhere. It's so sent apart, we haven't stumbled over that yet either.

Don't be so negative, Rob. It's close, very close. I can feel it.

I think it's just a bit northwest of here. Oh, it's just a bit northwest of

here. Marvellous. Well, get out your sextant, Captain Cook. You'll have us

there in no time.

Don't be so hard on the lad. It's not his fault. No, it's yours for having

dragged us out here in the first place.

Shall we try this way?

Oh, yes, let's.

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Terrific. So, what's the plan tomorrow, Grace?

If you haven't got the campervan.

Go home, I suppose.

After we dragged over to Watford to pick up her mother.

You can't go home.

There's still another day of clues to go.

Why don't you come in with us? There's plenty of room in our car.

That'd be terrific. I'd love that.

I wonder where the lads have got to.

It's not like my day to miss a meal.

I'm used to Rob being out half the night.

What a waste.

So, Marcus, what's your line of country? Hmm?

What is it exactly that you do?

Well, I suppose I could spend the next 20 minutes explaining the complexities

of my business to you, and no doubt you would not sagely as if you understand

what I was talking about, but I think on balance we'd both be wasting our time,

so please don't let's bother, shall we?

Fair enough.

when you phoned up? I didn't phone them. I thought you did. Men!

I'll do it. Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

I've heard that before.

So Dave's having to bite his tongue a bit in the hope of getting this big,

juicy contract.

Oh, I see.

I wondered why Dave was being so nice to a man like that.

I think it's truly criminal the way your husband has abandoned you like this.

Well, that's Rob.

I'm used to it.

I am enjoying our little chat.

Why don't we adjourn to somewhere a bit less noisy and I'll order some

champagne? No, thank you.

So, um, I understand that you and Dave are going to be doing some business

together. I beg your pardon?

Well, I heard you were the person who issued the contracts.

Well, of course I am, but I'm hardly likely to issue one in Dave's direction.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I like the chap enormously, and we've had some very

good times together.

But he's not quite ready to play with the big boys just yet.

You know what I mean.

You've been quick enough to accept his hospitality so far.

Yes, I know. Not fair, is it? But what can one say?

C'est la guerre.

Here we are.

Leonie?

Come here.

So, Marcus, a chance for you and me to get better acquainted, eh?

Can we please get some of these people

out of here? OK, um, attention, please. Can we have interested parties only in

here, please?

Oh, for goodness sake, out! Come on, out!

It's all right. I've found Alison.

She's training to be a midwife. Oh, that's handy. Here she is.

Right, Ali, what do we do?

Well,

that's useful.

That's the end of that. It's probably the end of us. Don't say that. We'll be

all right. That's what they said in the Blair Witch Project.

What was that?

Oh, it's just my stomach.

Well, can you keep it under control, please?

Sorry.

Hey, we've got mobiles.

We could call for help.

Oh.

Yeah, brilliant.

Who are you going to call? The police? Coast Guard?

International Rescue?

What are you going to say to them? Uh, yeah, we're in a forest.

We can't give you our precise location, but it's dark and full of trees.

Oh, yeah.

Good point.

Will you please keep your stomach under control?

That wasn't me that time.

Oh, shit.

Look, I'm really sorry, okay? I wish I'd never brought us here. You're sorry.

I'll tell you one person I'm going to ring, Kath.

She'll be out of her mind with worry.

And so you're packing, you're on a space.

I just want to make the magic here, and I said, look at my face. I shouldn't

have changed, I was giving up. I should have made it in your game.

And I don't know if I just want to say to you, be flexible and be more as

though.

Walk out the door.

Just turn around now.

You're not welcome anymore.

Well, to the one who tried to praise me, goodbye.

Voicemail. I'm just going to bed.

Come on.

i was just thinking what would harry potter do in this situation it's a good

question that day perfect i'm lost in the woods with a pair of nutters

never gonna find the car in the dark we'll have to wait till daylight oh

that's hours away what else can we do

It's the silence of my lonely room. I think of you.

I think of night and day.

Day and night.

I think of you.

I think of you.

I think of you.

Oh no.

What? I've lost the car keys.

Oh, you are not serious.

Is that your pocket?

I have. It must have come out when I fell in that ditch.

Well, that just about puts the bloody lid on it, doesn't it? Oh, no, hang on.

Hey. Hey.

Woo! Ta-da!

Oh, look. The car's just here. The car's just here?

We've been sitting on a bloody tree stump for an hour and a half, and the

car's just here?

It's a stroke of luck, wasn't it? Shut up!

Keep breathing. Well done.

Ambulance is here.

Ambulance is here, Chloe.

It's about bloody time.

Just breathe.

Breathe.

That's it. Relax.

How can I relax?

It's the police.

Oh, bloody hell.

They've had a complaint about the noise.

Chloe, sorry, they're complaining about the noise.

That was the right laugh.

I'm exhausted.

I'm surprised at you, Grace. I thought I knew you. I never realised. You were

such a... Diva!

Exhibitionist, I was going to say. Oh, stop being such a killjoy and get us

some more drinks. More drinks?

You'll be lucky. You've had more than enough... Morris!

All right.

Hey!

Marcus is going up with the tart.

I don't care what he does as long as he gives my Dave a contract.

Oh, yeah, well, he's got no intention of giving him a contract.

What? Yeah, he told me earlier he's stringing him along.

No, Kath.

There's nothing to be gained by going after him.

It'll make me feel better. No, it won't. You'll just spoil the evening and you'll

regret it in the morning. I'm not going to let him get away with it. I'm not

suggesting you do, but now is not the time. This needs a little thinking

about.

Dave will go mad when he hears.

Oh, isn't he lovely?

Oh, Chloe, he's beautiful.

He looks like Elton John.

That's a terrible thing to say.

Well, I can't help how he looks.

Aren't you a sweetheart?

Oh, thanks.

Not you.

Oh, I'm going to spoil you rotten. And then when you get to 18, you're going to

bring all your hunky friends around to meet your Auntie Sally.

Behave. Hey, I bet your parents are thrilled.

Mum burst into tears.

She's already planning the christening.

Actually, can you hand me my phone?

There's somebody else I need to contact.

What the hell's happened to you lot?

Ask George of the Jungle.

Three brandies, please.

We got a little bit lost, I'm afraid.

Was that before or after you found the clue?

Finding the clue became somewhat irrelevant after the first three hours.

Look, I said I'm sorry, all right?

Dave, I've got to talk to you about something later.

No, no, Pet. All I want is a stiff drink, a hot bath and me bed.

Not me.

Oh, that makes a change.

It's clammy.

She's had the baby.

What's she had? I've got to go. I've got to get back.

Well, how much does it weigh? Where's the train station?

Well, no. There won't be any train this time of night. Well, you never know. Oh,

look, just calm down. You go upstairs and get your bag. I'll wait in the car.

You coming, Rob?

Yeah, all right.

I'd better go with him. His chances of finding the station alone are really

very thin.

You know, apart from your mother being ill, this has all worked out rather

well.

This is a very nice hotel.

Have to say.

Well, it beats the camper van, that's for sure.

Yeah, yeah.

I admit, I was wrong about that one.

And there's something about a hotel that puts people in a romantic mood.

Don't you think?

Oh.

Yeah, right.

Oh, do you know what I've done? What? I've left my glasses in the lounge. All

right, I'll get them. Oh, no, no.

You go to the bathroom and freshen up and clean your teeth and I'll be back in

a minute. That's alright.

Hey!

I'll be long.

I won't.

I'm sorry to bother you, but my husband's asleep and I don't want to

wake him. And the problem is that he's got the key inside the room.

Don't worry, madam.

What room is it?

The Wyndham suite.

Mr and Mrs Forster.

Right. If you'd like to follow me.

If we could just do this as quietly as possible, please. Of course, madam.

So by the time we got back from the station, she's crashed out on the bed,

fully dressed with the television blaring. Yeah, mine was sparking, I

know. Mind you, she wasn't there when I woke up. Another pair of them have gone

swimming. Morning, Dave. Morning, Rob.

Morning, Lawrence.

I was expecting to see you last night with a missing clue. No luck, eh? Oh,

never mind.

There's always today.

Who knows what will happen?

Well, based on past experience, I think I can hazard a pretty good guess.

So, Lawrence, any chance of any advance tips?

All the clues are in the packs, David. You know that.

Yeah, I know that. I know that very good, too.

I'm looking forward to it.

I just thought you might like to tip us a wink, you know, what's been in last

place and everything.

Oh, I can't do that, old man. Sorry.

Come on, Lawrence, I'll...

I'll make it worth your while. Dave. Three years have come in last. It's not

fair. You can see that, can you, Lawrence? He's still a bit tired.

I am begging you, Lawrence. I'm so sorry about this. What harm can it do?

Lawrence, please.

Please!

How about a show system at cost?

Half price.

Free. Dave.

It's a treasure hunt.

Here.

Come along, Dot.

Good morning.

Good morning.

I'm so glad I ran into you.

There's something I want to chat to you about.

Oh? It's this.

I know it's only a Polaroid, but it's a surprisingly clear picture, don't you

think? I think I've caught you rather well, in more ways than one.

It was you last night.

I only saw the flash.

I don't think your wife would be too thrilled to see that, do you?

Blackmail. Oh, yes, I suppose you could call it that.

What is it you want? Money?

Oh, please, nothing so vulgar.

I want you to be nice.

Nice? Nice to my friends.

Perhaps I should explain.

I don't know what came over me.

It's called desperation, mate. Don't worry about it.

Desperation? Did I seem desperate to you?

Not so as anyone had noticed, no.

Oh, goody.

The Earl of Gitdom is up.

Look, Rob.

It's all right. Not going to say anything. Don't worry.

No, no, I just want to say I realise how hard it's been for you, you know, with

Marcus.

I know you're trying really hard now. I really appreciate you making the effort.

Thanks, baby boy.

Oh, I don't want to say, mate. I'm moved.

Mind you, I'd still rather thump him.

Good morning, David. Good morning, Rob.

Aha, the full English fryer. Oh, here we go. What's up, Marcus? This all a bit

too working class for you. I'm sure if you ask nicely, they'll rustle you up a

couple of quail's eggs.

No, I was just thinking I'll have what you're having. It looks absolutely

delicious. Yeah, what's going on? First you being nice, now him.

Morning, all.

Morning. Lovely morning.

Oh, I can't cope with this. I need to lie down.

Oh, David, before you go, I would just like a quick word. Oh, yeah? You see,

we've got this large housing development taking place.

Oh, Swallowfields. Yeah, yeah, I've heard all about it. Well, I was rather

hoping to involve your company in some way. Would you be interested?

Would I?

Marcus, I'll bite your hand off for an order.

Putting aside your cannibalistic tendencies, I'll get my people to make

contact sometime next week.

Oh, magic. Thanks very much, Marcus.

You never guess what just happened.

Marcus has just had a chat with me about our contract.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm having breakfast.

Do I need what you said? You're not eating that, Dave. I am. No, I'm telling

you, you're not. Kath, listen... No, forget it, Dave. I'll get you a nice

bowl of muesli. Stop it. I didn't have any dinner last night. No, no, no. Down,

boy, down.

Drop it.

Huh? Yeah. Drop... Oh, you bad boy.

Kath, I've had enough.

I'm not listening to you anymore.

But, Dave, it's only for your own good.

I know you mean well, but I just don't want to die at all, right? Well, you

said you did.

Yeah, well, now I don't.

You're just going to have to accept that I'm never going to be Brad Pitt.

Look, I'm perfectly happy the way I am. Take it or leave it. Now, do you want to

hear my news?

No! Oh, please yourself, I'm having breakfast.

Right, everyone, if I could just have your attention.

Thank you.

Dot is about to hand out packs for day two.

Packs, Dot?

Now, you'll also be getting... ..buckets and

spades.

Donated by Jimmy's Toy Box.

Thank you, Jimmy.

Now, the need for these will become apparent as the day progresses.

Anyway, good luck to you all and see you all by the seaside, eh?

A bit of a giveaway there.

Come on, buckets, buckets, buckets.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, Dave.

Because they lost their van, I told Maurice and Grace they could come in

with us.

You did what?

It's all right. We've got plenty of room. It's not about how much room we've

got. Oh, God, I knew this was too good to last.

Oh, don't be so petty.

It means I'm going to be squashed up against old Faceache again.

It's like groundhog day.

I'm sorry. You cannot deliver the mail on Sunday, then charge me for the Sunday

Times. I know there's only 30p difference, but there's a principal at

stake here.

Grace! So you're coming with us now? Well, if that's okay with you.

Don't give it a second thought.

Oh, that's very good of you, Dave. We really appreciate it. It's great to have

you along.

So, who's doing the clues?

Well, don't give them to Rob. He's the reason we're in last place.

Oh, that's a bit harsh.

It's true, though.

Cheers. No, what we need is a bit of girl power.

Girl power?

Yes, Mr Lost in the Woods All Night.

Girl power.

Here you are, Grace.

Over to you.

Oh, for God's sake.

What? It's work.

No, it's not, Rob. It's not work. It's never work. Don't insult my

intelligence. It's... Oh, it's Jackie.

Would this be the same Jackie that sent you four texts in the car yesterday?

The same Jackie you were talking to in the pub car park? The same Jackie who

texted you in our room last night?

Last night? Oh, you're pathetic.

Do you think you are so bloody clever? But do you know what the real irony in

all this is, Rob?

It's all the time you've been treating me like an idiot. You're the one who

hasn't got the sense to clear your call register or delete your messages or

throw away restaurant receipts from your wallet. Look, can we go somewhere and

talk about this? No!

There is nothing to talk about.

Who is she, anyway?

Another hairdresser, another barmaid, another aerobics instructor.

She's no one. She's nothing. Honestly, she's just someone I met. That's all.

She doesn't mean anything to me. No, well, they never do, do they?

God, I am just so sick of this. Leonie, it stopped ages ago. I can't help it if

she keeps texting me, can I? And I'm supposed to believe that, am I? Yes, it

stopped, Leonie. I promise you, faithfully.

Faithfully? Oh, that's great, coming from a serial adulterer like you.

Leonie. Shut up. Shut up. I've had enough.

I've closed my eyes to your screwing around for the last time. Do you hear

me? Now, you're going to call her and tell her it is over. No more phone

calls, no more texts, right?

No more contact, Rob.

None.

OK. I mean it, Rob.

If I find out you're still in touch with her and then we are finished.

You pack it in now or you are out. Do you understand me?

Right.

What are you doing here? I thought you were off on some treasure hunt.

I was.

I left as soon as I got your text.

Been up all night.

Yeah, so have I.

Yeah, sorry.

So, you all right?

I'm fine.

You look terrible.

Thanks. I mean, really wrung out. Yes, can you just stop now, please? Sorry.

So...

Is this... The baby?

Yes.

Oh, look.

She's gorgeous.

He's gorgeous.

Wow.

Can I... Of course.

Look.

Chloe, I know you don't want to talk about this now, but we have to sort this

out once and for all.

Oh, Daniel, please.

I know you've got rights, but whoever's the father's got rights too.

So tell me, please.

Am I the father, or is it Dominic?

You're never going to let this drop, are you? How can I?

We're talking about a human being here.

Chloe, this is so important to me.

I have to know.

I'm never going to get any peace, am I?

All right.

If you really have to know, yes, it's you, Daniel.

Oh.

Good.

I guess we ought to discuss how we're going to make this work.

Sorry? Make what work?

Well, with you.

Me.

And the baby.

Look, I know you want to do the whole single mum bit, and that's cool.

But I am his father.

I should be here for him, shouldn't I?

And for you as well, come to that.

You mean giving up France, of course, but...

Well, it's the right thing to do. You're going to give up living in France?

Well... Yes.

And Juliet?

Yes.

Daniel, that's going to make you so unhappy.

And it's going to make Juliet unhappy, and it's really not necessary.

But, Chloe... No, let me finish.

I think that it is sweet that you would even consider... Sid are doing that.

But it's not what any of us really want.

He's going to get all the love and support he needs.

And you can visit him anytime you like.

You'll be a part of his life wherever you are.

And I have to say, if he grows up with half the principles that his father has,

well, I'm going to be dead proud of little Timberlake.

Timberlake? Well, here we are.

Upon the green, there's the sign of a wise old bird.

Which is the green, there's the sign, and the owl is a wise old bird.

Well done, Grace.

You're a wise old bird yourself.

Good.

Ah, you play away from home, you've only got yourself to blame.

What goes around comes around, matey boys.

Yes, he who lives by the sword dies by the sword.

As ye reap, so shall ye sow. Yeah, all right. What is this, the Penguin Book of

Quotations? Well, people like you want to learn to keep in their trousers.

And people like you want to learn to keep their traps shut.

You all right now, love?

Yeah, she's fine. I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have gone off like that. I'm not in front of everybody. Of course you

should. I'm so embarrassed.

There's no need to be embarrassed. It's the grace.

No. No.

He had it coming.

Yes, he did.

And I'll tell you something, if Morris ever did anything like that to me, well,

all right, it's not likely, but if he did, I'd give him the full Lorraine

Bobbitt treatment.

All right, that is it.

No, no, it's not... Ah, it's due for an upgrade

anyway.

Oh, Dave, I thought it was Rob's... I'm so sorry.

I can go and get it.

Don't worry, I'll get it. I'm getting used to wading into ponds.

Don't worry about it, Rob. It won't work anyway.

Come on, then. Let's get cracking.

What's next, Grace?

Right,

two more clues and then lunch.

Woo! And then it's off to the seaside.

You're like a big kid, you are.

I must say I'm looking forward to lunch.

are you marcus which of course is on me

hmm

still no sign of the booze cruisers

they're going to be lost again

We've just about given up on you, Dave.

Oh, yeah, we've got a flat tyre.

Yes, we've rather missed it, I'm afraid. The treasure hunt's all but finished.

We've got the prize giving at three.

Good. Let's get inside and have a drink. No way. We're going to finish this

treasure hunt. It's a matter of principle now. Yeah, I'm with you, Dave.

We've come this far.

I haven't claimed to agree.

Hey, why don't you wait in the bar, lasses? We won't be long.

Last time he said that, we got lost in the woods all night.

All right, then, Dave. Good luck.

You're marker number five.

Hey, hey!

Ah, there we are, number five. What exactly are we looking for?

Ah, margas, me boy.

Spanish doubloons.

Pieces of meat!

Well, actually, it's a tough way of boxing a big fish in it. That's what it

was last year.

Who wants to start the digging?

Oh, not with that.

Here we are.

Done this before, remember?

I don't think that's in the spirit of the competition, Dave. Oh, shut up!

Do

you

know what surprised me most about this trip?

Rob? No, no, that's not a surprise.

No, it's Marcus.

I can't believe the change in the man. He's polite, he's courteous.

So he's even stopped leering at me.

And I'll tell you something else.

He says he's going to give my Dave a contract and all.

I know.

It's amazing.

Don't you think so, Grace?

Amazing.

Well, you know something.

Do I?

Grace Stringer.

What's going on?

Well, you know, last night, when he went off with the tart in the blue dress...

You know, I really can't believe they would have buried whatever it is quite

so deep.

We don't know that for sure, Marcus.

Lawrence wouldn't want the tide to carry it away, would he? Are you kidding?

At this depth, the JCB couldn't carry it away. Can't we just stop now and go for

a drink? Come on, Rob. We're almost there.

Where? Australia?

Have a look at that.

Am I holding this the right way or...? Yes.

I can't... Tell her he begins and she ends.

Ah.

Ah, the mucky bugger.

He should be ashamed of himself.

He should, but I'm sure he's not.

You wouldn't really show this to his wife, would you? I might.

Especially if Dave's contract doesn't come through.

Well, that's blackmail.

No.

God. You are a devious woman, Grace.

I do my best.

Can I just ask how much longer you intend to be?

A while yet, why?

Well, I hate to be the harbinger of bad news.

Then don't be. Keep it to yourself.

That's not entirely going to be possible.

All right, Marcus, what's the bad news?

Oh, bloody hell! The tide's coming in!

The tide's coming in! The tide's coming in! Yes, we should see that thing

commute, we know!

Hey, help us out. I'm drowning here.

Oh, come on then, you old git.

Right, let's get the car started.

Oh, Christ.

I'm sorry that we couldn't wait any longer for the booze cruisers, but it

doesn't really matter because they finished last anyway.

Now, this is the best bit... Where the hell are they?

We'll give Dev a call and he's mobile.

Oh, no, I can't.

I'll call Rob. And secateurs, could I have the captain of the Bromley Boy?

No, it's a bit tricky at the moment. Kath can't really talk.

No, we're expecting a Sea King helicopter any minute.

Yeah. Yeah, Lord Tosspot here backed the car straight into the hole we dug on the

beach. That really wasn't my fault.

I haven't driven a car in nearly 30 years.

Come on, Rob. Leave him alone. It's not his fault. Oh, I do hope they winch you

two up together so you can carry on kissing his arse. Do you have to be so

vulgar? I'll wind your neck in, you totter.

Totter!

I knew you were right on the back of my camper van. And don't you bloody start.

I should have left you in the hole. Calm down, will you?

We're all going on a summer holiday.

No more work. Come on.

We got to front and left.

Oh, we've had some adventures.

Well,

I've enjoyed it. Does the sun shine on the planet you come from? It's been a

nightmare from beginning to end. I must admit, from a perverse point of view,

that I have enjoyed it too.

Oh, there you are, you see.

You know, normally you're the sort of people I would cross the road to avoid.

But actually, you've all been rather entertaining.

Ah, here comes my man now.

So, I'll say goodnight and we'll talk next week about the contract.

Contract?

Oh,

yes.

The contract.

Next week.

Anyway, goodnight. Goodnight, Marcus.

We'll be off too.

Goodnight.

Cheerio. Goodnight.

I don't think I've forgotten about my lawn. Good night.

See you.

Night, Claire. See you, sweetheart.

Night, Rob.

Behave yourself.

See you, Roberto.

I was just saying, it's going to take months for that lawn to grow

out. Oh, give it a rest, Maurice, please.

Oh, no.

She's back.

You think she could stay in Wofford for a week or two?

Oh, she fell.

They're on again.

I know they're on again.

No, Leonie, you

don't understand.

Well, it worked out well in the end.

I said we came last again.

Oh, who cares? There's always next year.

Doesn't matter.

Because I've got a special prize for you anyway.

Oh, special prize?

Yes, big fella.

I have got something for you that I know you're going to love. Yeah?

I would have steak and kidney pie, chips and pea sound.

Oh, come here, you.