Original subtitles

Welcome to Death Camp 13,

home of the Nazi's diabolical plan to create an army

of super-werewolf soldiers.

This project, it's failure...

...will be your demise.

- And the end of Germany, Boorman. - Heil Hitler!

You have been chosen!

Rejoice!

I have found the perfect solution... the She-Devils of Belzac.

Can they, alone, supply the blood needed to save Hitler's mad dream?

Or, will the pride of Germany fall into ruin?

This is my project!

We are now in total control of pure wolf.

This is an outrage!

Silence!

This is my Mecca!

If you...

...are thinking...

...of going...

...into...

...this house...

if you...

...are thinking...

...of opening...

...this door...

if you...

...are thinking...

...of checking out...

...the basement...

Don't look behind...

Don't look in there...

Don't look up...

Don't look anywhere.

Don't scream for help.

Don't move a muscle.

Don't even breathe.

If you are thinking of seeing this film alone...

This holiday season...

...prepare to have the stuffing scared out of you.

In the town of Plymouth, Massachusetts,

the fourth Thursday in November

is the most celebrated day of the year.

The table is set.

The festivities have begun.

One uninvited guest has arrived.

And this year, there will be no leftovers.

White meat, dark meat... all will be carved.

Come on, Judy, how about it?

Happy Thanksgiving, baby.

Cool it, Judy!

You're safe.

Bobby's here.

It's blood.

Son of a bitch.

- Arrive hungry... - Happy Thanksgiving, Grandma!

...leave stuffed.

From Director Eli Roth...

You'll come home for the holidays... in a body bag.

This February.

Hold on, I've got to come up!

I've got to take the world's biggest fucking piss.

- We can't be late! - We won't!

- Who's holding? - If you're not, then nobody.

- We were kinda hoping you were. - How are you not holding?

Jesus Christ, Shanna, it is not my fucking job to supply y'all

- with weed when we go out. - Whoa, whoa, little lady...

You're getting angry kinda quick, don't you think? I was just teasing you.

I'm not angry. It just would be nice if y'all didn't just count on me

all the fucking time, and surprise me every once in a while with pot.

OK, mean girl in a high school movie, you through having a tantrum?

- I'm not having a tantrum. - All right, Come on, guys. Don't fight.

I'll pay for it when we get some.

One, it's not about the money. It is about the pain in the ass of scoring.

And two... We're not really fighting.

Arlene, you've forgotten what hanging out with Jungle Julia is like.

That wasn't a fight. That was Julia acting like a grumpy bitch

and me calling her on it and indulging her at the same time.

Oh, billboard!

OK, is Christian Simonson gonna be there?

Bet your ass he is.

Christian Simonson, the filmmaker, is in town.

He's got a big thing for Julia.

If he had a big thing for me, he'd fucking call me

as opposed to disappearing for six months.

And he'd get his ass down here more often than he does.

And on my birthday, he'd give me a fucking phone call.

But other than that, he's putty in my hands.

So, what's the plan, man?

Margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's, touch base

with Chris and Jesse, tell them about later, and make damn sure they come.

Those other guys'll be waiting for us to join them at the Texas Chili Parlor.

Oh, shit. Speaking of which, what happened with you and Nate last night?

Well, you know, not much. We just fucking met each other.

If you don't bust their balls a bit, they never gonna respect you.

OK, we're clear on what it is you didn't do.

How about enlightening us on what it is you did do?

Nothing to write home about.

We just made out on the couch for about 20 minutes.

- Dressed, half-dressed, or naked? - Dressed.

I said we made out, we didn't do "the thing."

Excuse me for living, but what is "the thing?"

You know, it's everything but.

- They call that "the thing?" - I call it "the thing."

- Do guys like "the thing?" - They like it better than "no thing."

OK, I want to get back to what it is you did do.

So you're making out on the couch with Nate, right?

Correct.

- Whose couch, his or your hotel room? - What am I, stupid over here? Mine.

Were you making out sitting up or lying down?

We started sitting up,

- we worked our way to lying down. - The plot thickens. Who was on top?

I was straddling him.

- So, what about tonight? - We'll see, Shanna.

I mean, I like Nate and all. He's cute. He's a pretty good kisser.

- But it ain't a done deal. - Ah, fuck Nate.

He's cute and all but Jesse Letterman's gonna be all over her.

- Jesse Letterman, the director? - He's a good friend.

- Maybe they can bring some pot. - Fuck that. No!

I don't want to be either, A: Depending on their fucking ass,

or B: Dependent on their ass. Uh-uh. if we don't score ourselves,

we're gonna be stuck with them all fucking night.

- Oh! Try Lanna Frank. - Best idea you had all day.

Oh, hey, that's your last billboard before Guero's.

Oh, come on. Give me a break.

Oh, come on, my ass. We said every time!

OK.

Jules, let me get a drag. Thanks!

Hey, this is... my UT days, Arlene.

- Hey. - Hey.

- You want to join us? - For a second, I'm with some friends.

Ooh...

So you must be... must be... you must be the infamous Butterfly.

Shh!

- She don't know nothing about it. - Know about what?

- When were y'all gonna tell her? - Soon.

- Tell me what? - Now thanks to you,

we gotta tell her sooner than later.

Cut the shit. What the fuck is going on?

I said a little something about you on the air today.

Julia, what the fuck did you say about me on the radio?

All I said was, I had a sexy friend named Butterfly

who's in from out of town for the weekend.

And we would be going out somewhere in Austin tonight.

And if they were out on the town maybe they'd see us,

and I described you, and I said that if they spotted you while we were out

if they'd do something, you'd do something.

OK, now Julia, I'm serious. What did you say and what did you say I'd do?

Anyhoo, I could explain what I said, which would be boring,

or Marcy over here, who is an incredible actress

could act it out for you, which I think

will give you a better idea of what you have in store for you.

OK, so just tell me your way.

- We'll act it out with Marcy? - Sure.

- OK, give Marcy your drink. - Thank you.

OK, so you're in a club or a bar and Marcy is a kind of cute,

or kind of hot, or kind of sexy, or better be fucking hysterically funny,

but not funny-looking guy who you could fuck.

- Got it. - OK, Marcy. Take it.

- Howdy. - Hi, there.

Excuse me, but your name wouldn't be Butterfly would it?

Yes, it is, and it seems you have me at a disadvantage.

- Barry. - Pleased to meet you, Barry.

- Y'all are getting me hot. - Shh!

So, is Butterfly your real name?

Yes, it is. And how did you know my name, Barry?

I listened to Jungle Julia's show this morning.

- Oh, you did, did you? - Oh, yeah.

- I listen to her show every morning. - Oh, you do, do you?

Yeah, she's like the coolest lady in town.

- Don't you think she's got a big ass? - Nah, man. I like her ass that way.

She got a black girl's ass.

That's what she says, but in actual fact,

she doesn't really have a black girl's ass.

- She's got a big ass. - OK, what the fuck are you doing?

Oh, look who wants to get to the point.

OK, we'll get to the point but, for your information, skinny bitch,

black men and a whole lot of motherfucking white men

have had plenty fun adoring my ass.

I don't wear their teeth marks on my butt for nothing.

If you're not gonna buy me a drink can I have mine back?

No, OK, OK, OK, OK.

So Butterfly, can I buy you a drink?

- I'd love one. - What Can I get you?

- I'll take a margarita. - Here you go.

So, after they buy you a drink, when they raise their glass to toast,

they look you dead in the eye and repeat this poem:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

And I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep

Did you hear me Butterfly?

Miles to go before you sleep.

And then, if they say that...

-...you gotta give them a lap dance. - What?

If they call you Butterfly,

buy you a drink, repeat that poem, you gotta give them a lap dance.

That's bullshit. I ain't giving them nothing.

You can do it or not.

But if you don't, everybody in Austin's gonna think you a chickenshit.

And I don't think you want everybody in Austin thinking you're a chickenshit.

I ain't giving nobody no lap dance 'cause of what you said.

Look, you don't have to do it for anyone you don't want.

I said you'd do it for the first guy who says it, so...

...some geek comes over trying to be cool,

just tell him you already did it at another place earlier.

No harm, no foul, but you get a free drink out of it.

But maybe, a little later in the evening, you've had a few drinks,

you're kind of loosey-goosey, you're safe with your girls,

then some kind of cute, kind of hot, kind of sexy, hysterically funny,

but not funny-looking guy comes up and says it.

Then, maybe you did it earlier, maybe you didn't.

- Any dead soldiers here? - These two. Thank you.

- Where the hell is Lanna Frank? - That's a good fucking question.

Lanna Frank, where are you?

Well, come over already. We're waiting for you.

Shit! Hold on!

So where are you?

Come over already. We're waiting for you.

No, we are not coming over there.

You come over here like you said you would.

So, is it Shauna and the girls at the lake house this weekend?

- Shauna? - Oh, fuck, I..

Now, there is one thing that every girl in the whole world whose name is Shanna

has in common with each other. We all hate the name Shauna.

And we really hate it when you call us Shauna.

Just remember, it's Shanna Banana, not Shauna Banauna.

OK, but at some point in the evening, I had fuckability stock.

Yeah, I mean...

...it wasn't bullish, but...

OK, Warren is sending over shots and you know the house rule.

If he sends over shots, you've got to do them.

- What? - Hey, them's the rules, baby.

Warren says it, we do it!

I love that philosophy. "Warren says it, we do it."

- So, let's do it. - What is it?

Hey, shots first, questions later. Here we go, post time!

Woo-hoo!

Now, is that a tasty beverage or is that a tasty beverage?

- What the fuck is it? - Chartreuse.

The only liquor so good they named a color after it.

Who's down for dos Chartreuse?

Not me. I'm going out for a smoke.

OK, but careful where you keep that hot flame, all right?

OK, but careful where you keep that hot flame, all right?

Blow up the joint.

Drinks! What can we get you?

- Shanna Banana? - Another big-ass Long Island iced tea.

- Bombay Sapphire and tonic. No ice. - Good boy.

Oh, hey, Punky, one of the lights is off in the parking lot. Flip it!

Look, you can't look like you're trying to get her out of here

before Christian Simonson shows up,

but you gotta get her out of here before Christian Simonson shows up.

What's the point? They're going to Shanna's daddy's house at Lake LBJ

and it's no guys. Absolutely no guys.

OK, so after we bring the girls drinks,

in fairly rapid order, but not obvious, we order two more rounds of shots.

You think they're gonna fall for that?

We'll be very convincing. Now it's time to turn up the volume.

No more fucking around. We go to Jäger shots.

Man, they're not gonna drink Jäger shots.

As long as the guy's buying the booze, a fucking bitch will drink anything.

We can at least get one shot of Jäger down these fucking bitches' throats.

After that, we'll see if they got another Jäger in them.

You never know. That could be the shot

that puts them past the point of fuck-it.

Then all of a sudden, "no guys at the lake house"

turns into "a couple guys at the lake house."

My point exactly.

Dude, check it out. I wonder if BJ brought the bear with him.

Jesus.

The dude fucking cut himself falling out of his time machine.

Where did you two disappear to?

I had to get something out of the car and Nate was gentlemanly enough

to escort me with his umbrella.

Ah... Good for you, Nate.

See that pretty girl sitting by herself at the bar?

Who, the dirty hippie?

- Meow. She's not a hippie. - She might as well be a hippie.

Thank you, Timmy boy.

Well, do you know what just happened to her?

No, but I know she's a skinny fake blonde bitch.

Oh, I'm sorry. You were telling a story. What about her?

Hey, Warren! Is there anybody in this place

you can vouch for to give me a ride home?

Fair lady, your chariot awaits.

You've been eavesdropping?

There's "eavesdropping" and "can't help but hear."

I think I belong in the latter category.

So, uh, Icy Hot, you offering me a ride home?

I'm offering you a lift, if when I'm ready to leave, you are, too.

And, when are you thinking about leaving?

Truthfully, I'm not thinking about it.

When I do, you will be the first to know.

Will you be able to, uh, drive later?

I know looks can be deceiving but I'm a teetotaler.

I've been drinking club soda and lime all night.

Now, I'm building up to my big drink.

- Which is what? - A virgin piña Colada.

OK!

Why would someone who doesn't drink spend hours at a bar drinking water?

You know, a bar offers all kind of things other than alcohol.

Hmm, really? Like what?

Women.

Nacho Grande platters.

The fellowship of some fascinating individuals, like Warren here.

Fair enough. So what's your name, Icy?

Stuntman Mike.

Stuntman Mike's your name?

You ask anybody.

- Hey, Warren. Who is this guy? - Stuntman Mike.

- And who the hell is Stuntman Mike? - He's a stuntman.

Warren! Six shots of Wild Turkey!

Hey, if it ain't Lanna Frank.

- Hey, baby. - How are you?

Hey, you.

What's shaking, bacon?

Hey.

- Holas, bitcholas. - It's about fucking time.

Well, beggars can't be choosers.

Take a picture, it'll last longer.

What?

That table, it seems to keep getting your attention.

Is that the girl from the billboard outside?

- Yep! - She sure is a striking-looking woman.

You got gin, tequila, Jäger...

- Look at that hair. - Lots of leave-in conditioner.

Is that jealousy I detect?

Hardly. But, if you want to get with Jungle Julia,

- there's a real easy way to do that. - Really?

- And what would that be? - Get famous.

You won't have to find her. She'll find you.

And you don't even want to know what she did for that billboard.

Enjoy it, cocksucker. You've earned it.

- What did she ever do to you? - We went to school together

from kindergarten through high school. That's what she did to me.

She was her height right now at 12.

She was a monster. Half the guys she still fucks from the old class

she used to beat up and terrorize in the fifth grade.

I see. She used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk?

That pituitary case might have kicked my ass a couple of times.

Sorry, I'm built like a girl, not a black man,

but I'd die before I ever gave Julia Lucai my chocolate milk.

- Hey, are you famous or something? - Or something.

No, no, no, no, really.

Hey, what do you do?

Really? What I do is work my ass off to get my own record label off the ground.

But why that girl wanted a picture of me is because I'm a local DJ.

Wait a minute.

You got a billboard by Big Kahuna Burger don't you?

Yeah.

I got one there too, Zatoichi.

Yeah.

- Jungle Julia Lucai. - Stuntman Mike McKay.

Well, good to meet you, Stuntman Mike.

Now my friends and I are going to continue to get our weed on.

- Would you care for some? - Thank you, Julia.

- But just the same, no thanks. - Suit yourself.

But you know...

Oh, shit.

I gotta sn...

Sorry, nothing.

What the fuck was that?

Actually, I do want you to have a shot.

You got some voucher here. I asked him what movies you worked on,

no fucking clue.

Well, I really don't know if he's ever done anything for sure.

I mean, he shows me an episode of High Chaparral, a guy falls off a horse

he says it's him.

You know the show The Virginian?

Yeah, well, there was another actor on that show, Gary Clarke,

and I looked like him a bit.

Well, obviously before I cut myself shaving.

Aw, I like it.

Well, damn, if ain't so sweet you make sugar taste just like salt.

Anyway, I did a lot of Virginians doubling Gary Clarke.

And then that show turned into The Men of Shiloh,

they brought on Lee Majors and I doubled him.

From that point on, I specialized mostly in car stunts.

I did damn near the whole third season of Vegas.

I was Robert Urich's driving double.

And then Bob did another show, Gavilan,

and he brought me with him on that until...

And after that...

Do you know any of these shows or people I'm talking about?

- Sorry. No? - No.

So, how exactly does one become a stuntman, Stuntman Mike?

Well, in Hollywood, anybody fool enough to throw himself

down a flight of stairs can usually find somebody to pay him for it.

But really, I got into the business the way most get into the stunt business.

How's that?

- My brother got me in it. - Who's your brother?

Stuntman Bob.

- I'm ready to blaze. - Finally, yeah.

You need to catch up with us.

- Now the party can start. - Yep.

Anyhoo, I'm sorry. You forgive me?

But you have to be real nice to me for the whole rest of the time I'm here.

Promise. You ready to go to the lake?

- Hm-hm. - How about your little friend?

- You want to bring him? - I thought no boys.

You want him to come, Shanna won't mind.

So how about it? Boys or just us girls?

- Us girls. - Good idea.

Ladies.

Thanks.

Cheers, Butterfly.

The woods are lovely dark and deep

And I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep

Did you hear me, Butterfly?

Miles to go before you sleep.

- Sorry, Stuntman Burt. - Mike.

Mike, she already broke off that dance.

Is that true?

Did I miss my chance?

Do I frighten you?

Is it my scar?

It's your car.

Yeah, I know. Sorry.

It's my mom's car.

Have you been following us?

No, but that's what I love about Austin. It's just so damn small.

- You've seen this guy before? - Outside of Guero's.

And I saw you outside of Guero's, too.

You saw my car, I saw your legs.

Now, look, I ain't stalking you all, but I didn't say I wasn't a wolf.

- So, you really weren't following us? - I'm not following you, Butterfly.

I just got lucky.

So, how about that lap dance?

Sorry, it was a one time only offer and she did it at Antoine's.

No, she didn't.

- How do you know? - I'm good that way.

- And you look a little touchéd. - What's touchéd?

- Wounded slightly. - Why should I be wounded?

Because you expected guys to be pestering you all night,

but from your look, I can tell nobody pestered you at all.

That kind of hurt your feelings a bit, didn't it?

There are few things as fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.

So...

How about that lap dance?

I think I'm gonna have to give you a rain check.

Well, since you'll be leaving in the next couple of days

that rain check will be worthless.

But that's OK.

I understand if I make you uncomfortable.

You're still a nice girl and I still like you.

But I must warn you of something...

You know how people say... "You're OK in my book?"

Or, "In my book, that's no good?"

Well, I actually have a book.

And everybody I ever meet goes in this book.

And now I've met you and you're going in the book.

Except, I'm afraid I must file you...

-...under "Chickenshit." - And what if I did it?

Well, I definitely couldn't file you under "Chickenshit" then, now could I?

What's your name again?

- Stuntman Mike. - Well, Stuntman Mike, I'm Butterfly.

My friend Jungle Julia over here says the jukebox inside is pretty impressive.

- Yeah, it is. - Yeah.

Why don't you go get ready for your lap dance?

I'm driving.

- Ready to go? - Yeah. Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

I think you got Mike laid tonight.

Looking good, Cannonball Run!

He's just giving me a ride.

- Oh, no doubt. - Have a nice ride.

Look, double fucks.

- Uh-uh, I am not gonna fuck him. - I can hear you.

- He's old enough to be my dad. - I can still hear you.

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

Wow, that's fucking scary.

Yeah, well, I wanted it to be impressive, and scary tends to impress.

Is it safe?

It's better than safe, it's death proof.

How do you make a car death proof?

Well, that's what stuntmen do.

You've seen a movie where a car gets into some smash up

there ain't no way in hell anybody's walking away from.

- Yeah. - How do you think they accomplish that?

CGI?

Well, unfortunately, Pam, nowadays more often than not, you're right.

Back in the all or nothing days, the Vanishing Point days,

the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days, the White Line Fever days,

real cars smashing into real cars with real dumb people driving them.

So, you give the stunt team the car you want to smash up,

they take her and reinforce that fucker everywhere and voilà...

You've got yourself a death proof automobile.

That makes sense. I just didn't know you could make a car death proof.

I can drive this baby into a brick wall doing 125 miles an hour,

just for the experience.

Why is your passenger seat in a box?

Well, this is a movie car.

Sometimes, when you're shooting a crash,

director wants to put a camera in the car, shoot the crash from the inside.

That's where you put the camera. They call it a crash box. Here...

There you go.

When you asked to drive me home, you didn't mention

your car didn't have a passenger seat.

Yeah, well, actually, I didn't ask to drive you home.

You asked me for a ride and I said yes. But look at the bright side, Pam,

I won't be getting fresh, putting my hand on your knee.

That is the bright side.

I thought so.

Well, Pam, which way you going, left or right?

Right.

- Ah, that's too bad. - Why?

Well, because it was a 50/50 shot on whether you'd be going left or right.

See, we're both going left.

You could have just as easily been going left, too, and if that was the case,

it would have been a while before you started gettin' scared.

But since you're going the other way...

...I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared...

...immediately.

What the fuck?!

You cocksucking motherfucker!

Fucking let me out of here! I'll fucking rip your fucking...

Stop the fucking car!

OK, here's the thing.

I get it. This was all a joke, and it's super funny.

It was really funny, OK?

But, um, if you could stop now, if...

if you just drop me off...

- I swear I'll never... - Hey, Pam!

Remember when I said this car was death proof?

Well, that wasn't a lie. This car is 100 percent death proof.

Only, to get the benefit of it, honey,

you really need to be sitting in my seat.

Now I've gotta catch me my other girlfriends.

No, no, no, no, no. It's Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch and Tich.

So, you got it?

Thanks honey. You're gonna play it next song, right?

Good boy.

Growl.

Bye-bye.

Who do you want to hear?

Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch and Tich.

Who?

Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch and Tich.

- Who the fuck are they? - For your information,

Pete Townshend, at one point, almost quit The Who,

and if he had, he would have ended up in this group

thus making it Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch, Tich and Pete.

And if you ask me, he should have.

That's my boy!

I wanna to hear this part of the song louder!

Do you know her name or anything?

Uh, I don't remember.

Dr. Block?

Self-restraints to room 310.

Self-restraints to room 310.

Well, what's the patient's prognosis, Dr. Block?

I don't really see it's any of your business.

Come on now, sis. You just tell us.

How bad is he?

He got banged up real good.

Busted nose, broken collar bone, smashed up his left index finger.

Is that it?

He was real lucky.

That will be all?

Why, that's more than enough and I want to thank you, Dr. Block.

Son of a bitch!

So, Pop, what do you think?

Well, son number one...

...what I think is so goddamn ghoulish, I hesitate to speak it out loud.

Well, give it a shot.

Well, what we have here is a case of vehicular homicide.

That old boy murdered them pretty little gals.

He used a car and not a hatchet, but they're dead just the same.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Not a goddamn thing.

DA says there ain't no crime here.

Every one of them gals was swimming in alcohol and floating on weed

and old Hooper in there came out clean as a whistle.

Now you actually think that he premeditatedly murdered them gals?

Well, I can't prove it but since thinking don't cost nothing,

I can think it and I do.

Yeah, but Pop, he got pretty banged up himself.

Hell, yeah, he got banged up, but goddamn, them pretty little gals

look like a goddamn giant chewed them up and spit them out.

Did any of them survive?

Shit, two tons of metal at 200 miles an hour,

flesh and bone and plain old Newton...

...they all princess died.

Why?

Well, I'd guesstimate it's a sex thing.

Only way I can figure it.

High velocity impact, twisted metal, busted glass,

all four souls taken exactly at the same time.

Probably the only way that diabolical degenerate can shoot his goo.

Your timing couldn't be better, Zoë.

It just so happens that we're all three off-duty

- for the next three days of shooting. - Fucking hell, how does that happen?

I'm doing Lindsay Lohan's make-up and she's off for the next three days.

There's no stunts being filmed during that time so Kim's free

and Lee's on a "will notify" for the next four days.

So, how's the shoot going?

Great! We're having the best time.

The director, Cecil Evans, is so much fun.

We're making the coolest movie and partying all the time.

Hell, yeah. The next job after this one is definitely gonna suck.

So, let's hear it ladies. Set romances? Who's getting it off?

That would be Lee and Toolbox.

Oh, Toolbox? The name sounds promising.

- He's a grip. - What he is, is a pervert.

Well, he just keeps sounding better and better.

What's his perversion?

He like to watch me pee.

Lee is sitting on a toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee!

P-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Yeah, but not no more. Now she's getting it on with The Rock.

- You're having one off with The Rock? - Not the real Rock.

He's this electrician named Bruce. Kim started Calling him The Rock

because he kinda looks like The Rock so we all just call him The Rock.

Kim, dick department. Let's hear it.

Uh-uh, no dick this trip.

- I got a man. - How long have you had this boyfriend?

- About three months. - Who'd you steal him from?

Nobody!

- Kim! - What?

He totally had a girlfriend.

All Kim's boyfriends start out as somebody else's boyfriend.

I did not steal him.

I didn't steal any of them. They just... jumped ship.

- So what's your story, Abernathy? - Oh, Abbie's got the big kahuna.

I had a set crush on Cecil.

"Set crush?" Nigga, please. You were his set wife.

"Were" and "had" being the key words here.

Bitch, you two are still into each other and you know it.

Yeah, well, if he's so in love with me,

then why did he fuck Daryl Hannah's stand-in?

Yes, men are dogs. Oh, it's so funny!

- Oh, it's so funny! - Oh, stop acting all hurt.

Your ass is just mad.

- Yeah, he's a stand-in fucker. - Bitch, you need to get over that shit.

- That was two weeks ago. - Oh, well, now you put it like that...

Oh, I haven't told you the best part. He fucked her on my birthday.

Oh, that's a horse of a different color.

Thank you.

Did he know it was your birthday? He's the director. He's kind of busy.

He ate a piece of my birthday cake and he got me a present.

Yeah, I think he knew.

What did he get you?

He made me a tape.

He made you a tape?

Wait, he didn't burn you a CD, he made you a tape?

- Yeah. - Oh, that is so romantic.

Yes, I know what you're gonna say, so don't even go there.

Sounds like the test of true love to me.

Look, I know you guys like him.

He's likeable.

But he fucked another woman on my birthday.

How can you not be on my side?

- Well, I admit, that sounds bad. - It is bad.

It just sounds like there's a little more to it than that.

- Were you two fucking? - Hell, no.

- Hello, is your name Abernathy? - Sorry.

The answer to your question is no. Of Course not.

- What do you mean, "No, of course not?" - The reason Cecil hasn't had

a girlfriend in six years is because girls will fuck him.

And if you fuck Cecil, you don't become one of his girlfriends.

Not to say I want to be his girlfriend, but if I did want to be his girlfriend,

if I fucked him, I wouldn't be his girlfriend. I'd be one of his regulars.

And I'm just getting too fucking old for that shit.

- Have you let him do anything? - Yes!

I've let him give me a foot massage and when we go to the movies,

I've let him hold my hand.

Bitch, you might be acting like you're 12 years old,

but he just acting like a man.

You need to break that nigga off a piece.

Let me get this straight.

- You're not fucking him. - Hm-hm.

- You're not sucking him. - Hm-hm.

You're not giving him any tongue, but Daryl Hannah's stand-in is?

You know, some cultures might say he made the wiser choice.

Oh!

So, Zoë, Kim, and I are in the Philippines at an outdoor rave.

- What were you working on? - Three Kicks to the Head, part three.

And admittedly, we were a little fucked up.

- Cheers to that. - Word.

Cheers.

So Zoë, the genius, wants to take a picture of me.

It's dark as hell and you Can't see shit.

So, she's got her camera and keeps saying, "Step back a little."

So I do.

Then, "A little further." So I step back a little further.

Then, "A little more." So, I do.

Then I realize, I'm right at the edge of a seven foot concrete ditch.

With God knows how many rocks, and broken bottles, and rats in it.

And, if I fell in that fucking thing,

I probably would have broken my fucking neck.

So I'm yelling at her, "Zoë, you almost killed me!"

So we laugh about it and walk a little further,

and Zoë starts fuckin' around.

And damn if she doesn't fall in the fucking ditch.

- Nice. - Nice.

Thank you. Yeah, thank you.

I remember taking a step and looking down.

Just as I'm thinking, "There's that ditch Abbie was talking about."

Bam! I'm in the fucking ditch, you know.

- What happened? - What, with Zoë the cat?

Nothing. if I fell in that fucking thing

they would've had to helicopter me out of there.

Zoë just lands on her feet.

But then, later, I started feeling a little bad about myself.

Zoë falls in the ditch and it's nothing, we're laughing about it.

If I fell in that fucking thing...

...I probably would have been fucking paralyzed.

Honey, you can't think like that. We all have our individual talents

and that just happens to be one of Zoë's.

Well, physically speaking,

Zoë is amazing. I mean, agility, reflexes, nimbleness.

There's few human beings that can fuck with Zoë on that front.

- Kim, I like you, too. - Aw...

Having said that, before you get too envious of Zoë's prowess,

you're missing the most important part of that story.

You didn't fall in the ditch. Zoë did.

Zoë even knew there was a ditch there because you told her

and she still fell in.

So, Lee's right. We all have our talents.

Hey, I resemble that remark.

So Kim, you still pack a roscoe?

Check it out, bitch.

- Ooh, nice one, mate. - I noticed.

- What's a roscoe? - Roscoe is a pistol.

- You carry a gun? - Uh-huh.

You have a license to carry it?

Yeah, when I became a Secret Service agent, they gave me a license.

Oh, I didn't know you were...

OK, I didn't say it, all right? Stop looking at me, I didn't say it.

God. Did you know Kim carried a gun?

Yes. Now, do I approve? No.

Do I know? Yes.

Look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in,

but the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.

You can't get around the fact that people who Carry guns tend to get shot

more than people who don't.

And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room

in my building at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped.

- Don't do your laundry at midnight. - Fuck that, I want to do my laundry

whenever the fuck I want to do my laundry.

There are other things you can carry other than a gun.

Pepper spray.

Uh, a motherfucker try to rape me, I don't want to give him a skin rash.

I wanna shut that nigga down.

How about a knife, at least?

Yeah, you know what happens to motherfuckers who carry knives?

They get shot.

Look, if I ever become a famous actress, I won't carry a gun.

I'll hire me a do-dirt-nigga and he'll carry the gun.

And when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh.

But until that day, it's wild west, motherfucker.

So Zoë, you thought about what you want to do first?

It just so happens, I know exactly what I want to do.

Oh, really? And what would that be?

To me, there's no point in being in America

unless you can drive a Detroit muscle car.

And I want to drive a Dodge Challenger, fuck me, swinging balls out.

Um... Well, I guess we could talk to transpo.

But does it have to be a Dodge Challenger?

Not just that, it has to be a 1970 Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine.

How in the fuck do you expect to do that?

No worries, mate. I've got it all worked out.

When I knew I was coming here, I went online and found out

that the local paper here in Tennessee is the Lebanon News Sentinel.

- So back home... - I'm sorry. Where's home?

- Australia, right? - What do you mean by that, mate?

Zoë's from New Zealand and you never,

I repeat, never call a Kiwi an Aussie.

That is, unless you want your ass kicked.

I'm so sorry. I really am.

Oh, that's OK. We're just taking the piss out of you, mate.

Auckland, to answer your question.

Anyway, I subscribed to the local paper a month ago.

Now why in the fuck you want a local redneck newspaper in New Zealand?

Pipe down and I'll tell you.

I've been getting the paper for the last month

and I've been checking the classified at the back looking at cars for sale.

So, as of yesterday, for sale,

in this town, some dude is selling a stock

1970 Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine and a white paint job.

And you want to buy it?

Kim, I may be stupid but I'm not bloody stupid.

I want to say I want to buy it so he'll let me test drive it.

A 1970 Dodge Challenger with a white paint job?

Oh, Kowalski.

Kowalski from Vanishing Point. Mate, it's a fucking classic.

If I can get this guy to let me drive it without him,

I will blow the doors off that bitch.

What's Vanishing Point?

What's Vanishing Point?

Abs, I'm supposed to be the illiterate one.

It's just one of the best American movies ever made.

Actually, Zoë, most girls wouldn't know Vanishing Point.

Excuse me, "most girls?" What the fuck are you two?

Yeah, well, we're gearheads. Of course we watched it.

Y'all grew up watching that Pretty in Pink shit.

Oh, I like Pretty in Pink.

What, so you didn't watch John Hughes movies?

Of course, I did. I'm a girl. But I also watched car shit, too.

Vanishing Point, Dirty Mary Crazy Larry, Gone in 60 Seconds, the real one.

Not that Angelina Jolie bullshit.

We have an outdoor theater in Auckland

that plays Vanishing Point, Big Wednesday,

all the classics.

What do you horny gals want?

Yeah, you got a 1970 Dodge Challenger for sale?

Right up here, ladies.

- This shit is off the fuckin' hook. - Fuckin' legendary, mate.

Sweet as. Well, if you'll excuse me for a moment,

I'd like to have a word alone with my business associate.

- You ladies take your time. - OK.

Mmm.

What are you waiting for? Ask him to let you drive it by yourself.

I intend to. But first, I need to ask you something.

What?

If he lets us take it out on our own, I want to play Ship's Mast.

- Oh, hell no! - Will you keep it down?

- Ain't no way I'm doing Ship's Mast. - For Christ's sake...

- Don't blaspheme. - Sorry.

Now, what did you say after the last time?

- Look, I know what I said. - What did you say?

I know I said we shouldn't do this again...

No, you didn't say we shouldn't. You said we ain't ever

- gonna to do that again. - But...

"But," my ass! You said, not only are we never gonna play Ship's Mast again,

but you also said, if you ever do what you're trying to do now,

to not only refuse,

but that I had permission to physically restrain your ass if necessary.

Now, did you or did you not say that?

- Well... - No, no, no, no.

Answer the question, motherfucker. Did you or did you not say that?

- Yes, I said that, however... - Whatever with your "however."

I know I said it, and I know I meant it.

Damn skippy, you meant it.

But when I said it, I didn't mean in America.

- Oh, nigga, please! - Really.

I meant we should never play Ship's Mast again in New Zealand and Australia.

You are such a liar.

Look, I know what I said when I said it.

But when I said it, I didn't know I'd ever come to America.

And when I said it, if I had of known I was gonna come to America,

and have the opportunity to play Ship's Mast on the fucking

Vanishing Point Challenger, I would have added a "however."

Right?

OK, oddly enough, I actually understood that.

However...

Just because you talked yourself into some stupid shit,

doesn't mean I have lost my goddamn mind.

You need two people to play Ship's Mast and I ain't playing.

I'll be your best friend.

I don't need me no best friend who lives on the other side of planet Earth.

- I'll crack your back. - You'll crack it anyway.

Well, of course, I'll crack it anyway.

But now, while I'm here, I'll be your back-cracking slave.

Whenever you want it, you got it. You don't even have to ask for it.

You just order me to do it.

Just be like, "Bitch get over here and get busy."

So... We're gonna see if this guy'll let us take the car out without him.

If he does, you wait here with Lee and we'll be back in a moment.

What?

I said, we're gonna see if this guy will let us take the car out without him...

I heard what you said. I just can't believe what you said.

You know, you two got some fuckin' balls.

- What? - Don't play dumb ass with me.

I've been up all night, I'm still a little drunk, and I have a hangover.

I should be in my hotel room asleep. Not fucking around here on tobacco road,

but because Zoë wanted to drive some fucking Vanishing Point car, I'm here.

Now you two got the balls to ask me...

No, scratch that, tell me, I gotta go make conversation

with Tom Joad while the cool kids get to go out and play?

Bullshit on that.

- It ain't like that. - Then what's it like, Kim?

You guys are our collateral. He's never gonna go for it if we all go.

I really think one human being will be Collateral enough.

You're not gonna want to do what we're doing.

What? To drive a car?

- We're doing more than that. - What? Drive it fast?

We're doing more than that.

Actually, we're paying you a compliment, because we're gonna do some stupid shit.

But that's OK. We're stunt people, we ain't got good sense.

But you got good sense. And anyone with good sense

- ain't gonna wanna do what we're doing. - How do you know I don't wanna do it?

- 'Cause you're a mom. - Yeah.

You know, we're supposed to be this big posse, but that's the excuse

you guys use whenever you want to exclude me from something.

So, what is it you two daredevils are doing

that I'm just so uncool I couldn't possibly understand.

You know, we're kind of conning this guy so maybe it's best

if we don't go into detail about it while he's watching us.

Besides, he's probably not gonna let us do it anyway.

OK, how about this?

I'll talk him into it. But if I talk him into it, I go along.

- How are you gonna do that? - Ah! That's my problem.

But don't worry. He'll say yes.

- What are you gonna do, blow him? - No!

I'm gonna insinuate that Lee's gonna blow him.

That's a good one.

Not really. But let me handle it.

We got a deal?

OK, mommy, listen up.

You wanna hang with the cool kids, you've got to be cool.

We take you along, you don't say shit. You don't even say crap.

You just sit in the back and I don't want to hear a peep out of your ass.

- You understand? - Got it.

I'm serious. You start nagging us, we're pulling over to the side of the road

kicking your ass out and picking you up later.

Agreed.

OK.

Go work your magic.

- Hello, sir. - Hello.

- What's your name? - Jasper.

- Hello, Jasper. I'm Abernathy. - Aber-what?

- Abernathy. - What's your first name?

- That is my first name. - What kind of first name is that?

- You know what? Just call me Abbie. - OK, Abbie.

Jasper, we were wondering if my friends and I could take the car out

for a little test drive out on our own. Just to see if we're comfortable in it.

Why would I do something stupid like that?

To better sell your automobile.

How do I know y'all ain't just gonna steal it?

Four reasons, actually.

One, we're not thieves. Two, that would be rude.

Three, we're staying at the Days Inn in town, you can call the hotel,

check with management. We're registered for the next month.

Actually, Zoë is not, but Kim and I are. So, we're totally track down-able.

Who's Kim? The colored girl?

Yes, Kim would be the girl of color. And reason number four,

and the most important, while we're taking the car out for a little spin,

that'll give you a better opportunity to get acquainted

with our other friend, Lee.

Why does she look kinda familiar?

That would be because she's a famous actress.

Why's she dressed like that?

Well, you see, we're making a Hollywood movie in town,

and it's a cheerleader movie, and she's one of the cheerleaders.

- What's a cheerleader movie? - A movie about cheerleaders.

Is it a porno movie?

Yes, it is.

But, don't mention it. She's shy.

Lee, this is Jasper. Jasper, Lee.

You two kids stay out of trouble.

Hey, good-looking! Be back to pick you up later!

Ta-ta.

Gulp.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- I think I'm thinking it. - What are you and you thinking?

I'm thinking we told your ass to shut the fuck up.

- Where are y'all going? - You stay put.

I got to take a...

So you ready to do this?

You sure?

Well, I always don't want to do it right before I'm gonna do it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean. 'Cause I don't want to do it.

- Kim. - I'm just saying.

- If you're gonna take the piss out... - I'm just saying.

You wanna start out on top?

It practically doesn't count if you start on the top.

Here are your gloves.

No, no, no, no. I'm wearing the jacket.

This is my jacket.

Um... Ain't you supposed to be my slave or some shit?

Give it.

I'm the one who's on the fucking bonnet.

Bonnet, my ass. You're on the hood.

Y'all, I think I hear a car coming.

- Give me your belt. - Oh.

This is my cute shit.

Well... Fuck that. Get Abernathy's belt.

Fine. We'll use Abbie's belt.

- Give me your belt. - No.

- Prada. - Come on. Give her the belt.

- Magic word. - Please. Give her the belt.

Just cause you asked nicely.

It's nice to be nice, Kim.

- Whatever. - You know what?

Don't even fucking think about asking me next time you want me to do your hair.

- Your ass gonna do it. - Yeah, you'll ask pretty please, bitch.

'Cause that's what you do when no one else is looking.

You ain't that fucking hard. I ain't getting that shit.

Abernathy, don't get on my nerves right now.

I got shit on my mind.

Ooh! You know, I ain't six.

It's cold. Can we roll up one of these windows?

No.

Hey, Abernathy. Check this out.

What the fuck are you guys doing?

What does that mean?

Whoa!

Faster, you black bitch, faster!

That fast enough for your bony ass?

Woo-hoo!

Whoa!

Abernathy, get your ass up here.

All righty.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Check it out bitch. You want it fucking faster?

- Oh, my God! - What the fuck? Shit!

Zoë!

Damn it!

Now!

- Did you do something to him? - Nothing! Nothing! Shit!

- Shit! Here he comes! - Zoë! Fuck!

- Shit! - Shit! Oh, shit!

- Hold on, Zoë! - Whoa!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Zoë!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Zoë!

- Whoa! - Zoë!

Fuck you, motherfucker! Fuck you!

Zoë! Zoë!

- I'm sorry I called you a black bitch. - I forgive you. Hold the fuck on.

Whoa! Get away!

Oh, shit! I can't fucking see! I can't see!

Zoë, move your legs!

Fuck you!

Come on, come on!

Redneck lunatic bastard!

Get away from me!

- Watch your fucking legs! - Baby, just hold on.

Zoë!

- Fuck you! - Oh, my God!

Come on, come on!

Fucking get away from me!

Oh, shit! I'm scared Kim, I'm really scared.

I know, baby, just hold on.

Watch your feet!

- You wanna get hot? You wanna get hot? - You fucking son of a bitch.

- Suck on this for a while, bitch! - Motherfucker!

Zoë!

Goddamn it!

- He's coming up! - Oh, my God.

Get away from us, you cocksucker!

Leave us alone!

- Fuck you, motherfucker! - Put your foot down!

Zoë! Zoë!

Hold on!

Zoë! Zoë!

Look out!

Get ready to fly, bitch!

- Zoë! - Zoë! Hold on!

He's right on your ass! He's right on your fucking ass!

Hey!

Hey! Ladies, that was fun!

Well, adios!

Ow, fuck!

Shit! Fuck!

Run away with your ass! You better run, motherfucker!

Bitch!

I'm OK!

Oh, shit! Goddamn it!

Oh, you fucking bitch!

Of course you are. Of course you are. What was I thinking?

What was I thinking? Zoë, the fucking cat!

Whew! That was a close one.

You guys look like shit.

Who died?

That's it!

Zoë, are you OK?

Well, I'm gonna have a hell of a bruise on my bum,

but aside from that, I'll be sweet.

So, where's the maniac?

I shot him and his punk ass sped off.

- You wanna go get him? - Oh, hell yeah!

Honey, I think you might want to get out.

Fuck that shit. Let's kill this bastard.

OK, get your ass in the back, let's go.

Fuck this motherfucker!

- Wait... - Where the fuck you going?

I'll be back.

Yeah, that'll smart. Sweet, let's go.

Oh, fuck yeah, bitch. Come on. Bring that shit.

Giddy up, girl!

Yeah!

Come on!

Oh, why? Oh, no!

Oh, do it! Do it!

Do it!

Oh, no!

No, no, no! No! God...

All right. Get it together.

Get, get... What are you... What are you... What are you gonna do?

Kick his ass, Zoë! Kick his motherfucking ass!

- Hey! Now I wanna play! - Go away!

Fucking fuck you!

Where do you think you're fucking going?

Come here, you...!

Go!

I'm not done with your ass now, motherfucker. I love your ass!

Oh, you're gonna wiggle your ass at me?

Oh, don't like it up the ass, do you, you redneck lunatic bastard.

Oh, yeah, bitch. I'm gonna bust a nut up in this bitch right now!

I'm the horniest motherfucker on the road!

Boo-yah, bitch!

Ah!

Did you just hit a boat?

Now, get him! Get him!

Now! Now! Now! Get him! Get him!

Forget about the cows, motherfucker! Move, motherfucker! Move!

Motherfucker!

I'm about to bust a nut up in this bitch, motherfucker!

Watch it! Watch it! Watch it!

Tappin' that ass. Tappin' that ass! Tappin' it, tappin' it, tappin' it!

Son of a bitch!

Oh, you know I can't let you go...

...without tapping that ass.

Oh, fuck me!

- One... - Kim?

-...more... - Kim?

...time!

Boo-yah!

That's what I'm talking about, bitch!

Oh, come on!

Come on!

You thought you lost us! We're back, motherfucker! We're back!

Who's laughing now bitch?

Shit!

Come on!

Here's Cha Cha!

You miss us, you lunatic bastard?!

- I'm sorry! - What?

I didn't... I didn't mean anything.

I was just playing around.

- Oh, he was just playing around. - He was just playing.

Well, I ain't playing with you.

Oh, look out! Look out! Look out!

- What's your sign? - Cancer!

Come on!

Don't run. Don't run, motherfucker! Don't run!

Shit!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Jesus fucking Christ, it's about time!

- Yeah, you go. - Just go, go, go, go!

Please don't dead-end. Please don't dead-end.

Please don't dead-end.

Please don't dead-end. Please don't dead-end.

Please don't dead-end.

Oh, there the motherfucker is!

- Go, go, go! - Get him! Get him! Get him!

Help me!

Help me!

- Be careful! My right arm's broken! - This one?

That's right, bitch.

You want some?

- Come on, motherfucker! - My fuckin' ass!

Piece of shit!

Bitch!

Motherfucker!

Motherfucker!

Asshole!