Original subtitles

My name is Harry Seacombe, and I play the part of Harry Jones, Grose's

assistant and amateur detective.

And I'm part of the trail of, uh, vitamin T. I play the part of Professor

Osric the, uh, oh dear, I forgot the name.

Anyway, I'm a scientist who's just invented the bicarbonate bomb.

And then, of course, there's... Spike Mulligan as Biberacus. And I just

play... Not in working hours, you don't buy thunder.

Not as long as my name's Peter Sellis as Colonel Bloodlock. Anyway, who would you

play with?

Carol Carr, an MI5 girl, also hot on the trail.

I hope she's not on my trail, because we're old.

Your hats?

Our hats, madam, yes.

In our ladies' fashion and ironmongery department.

Come this way, madam, please.

Mr. Jones, forward.

Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones, forward, please.

Right.

Serve these two ladies and drop everything else.

Yes, ma'am.

Where am I?

Tell me, sorry, I... Oh.

Ah, there you are. What's your pleasure? I can guess, but tell me.

Let's get some of the boxes out of the way first.

Oh,

it's a crab.

What can I do for you, madame? I think this young lady's ahead of me.

Way ahead.

Have you anything that would renovate an old bag?

She's too far gone for that. Your mother?

Oh, no. No, I mean a Gladstone bag.

Gladstone? She's old enough to have been to Israelis.

How dare you stop this, Poppycock! Sorry, cock. Don't go away, please.

Young man, I want a hat.

I know what you want.

Well, what do I want?

You want a hat.

Follow this way, please.

How about this one in here, eh?

Gainsborough girl.

Direct from Paris. Oh, and it can go back to Paris.

Help, please.

Don't go away, please.

But, madam, one moment, please, I'm sure. Madam!

Fashion.

It's still Tuesday.

I hope you don't want a hat. No, thank you.

But could I try on that bathing costume in the window?

In the window?

No, you'll have to use the fitting room like all the other girls.

The police, you know.

Talking of the police, I thought you were awfully good in the play.

Is it really? Yes. The Black Masquerader.

I think it's quite the best show the Amateur Dramatic Society has put on.

Well, the West Natchering District Bugle and Observer were very kind to us,

really. Oh, very dear, look, it says, uh, it says, I know it by heart, it

says, Harry Jones was bats of the art of the life. He played the part as though

he were really a detective.

I've got my picture in, too, look.

Bats of the yard?

Yeah, what's the matter with you? You're shaking like a leaf.

Any mention of the police puts the wind up here. Oh, fine Secret Service agent

you are.

Now, listen.

Orders are we've got to find this professor, wait till he's finished his

formula, pinch it, then bump him off. I know that, but why bring us to this

dump? Well, because Professor Pureheart... Who?

Pureheart, bloke with a black bushy beard. He's camping around here

somewhere. That's why we're here. Which field?

How should I know? That's what we're here to find out.

Here.

Let's ask up in one of those shops up there. You never know, he might have

been in for provisions or something. Come on.

Yes, I really live my parts. Mm-hmm.

You know, I think I am by nature a detective.

You remember that scene when I tackled a spy in Act 3? I'd really go for him, you

know. Oh!

Professional counter!

Back among the trees where you belong.

I'll attend to this lady.

Now, madam.

Well, if you have a nice breast length, something summery. Yes.

Yes, of course, madam.

We have one or two rather fresh pieces here.

Was there any particular count?

Oh, something black.

Yes, indeed.

I think you'll find one or two of these very soon.

I expect a great deal more later on.

But chances are so uncertain.

Now, madam, this is a most effective.

A good linen finish, you'll notice.

Oh, you want a good one? What can I do for you?

I've got a nice line in sweets, a nice line in pies, a nice line in bacon.

You've got a nice line in talk.

All we want is some information.

Information? Oh, well, here's a local paper.

That's me on the front page.

So you're bats of the yard.

That's right.

Just one of the local boys, eh?

Local? I'm homegrown.

Yeah.

Now, look, we want to know if you've seen a black-bearded gent.

He's a funny sort of cove, sort of a scientist.

He hasn't been in here by any chance, has he?

You mean he's a crook?

Like the black masquerader?

No, no, no. Yes.

Yes, that's it. And we've got to get hold of him.

I know who you are. What?

You're a couple of detectives on the trail of a dangerous criminal.

You see, he's stolen a secret formula and he's masquerading as the real

professor. So that's how he asked if I was a local boy, eh?

Superintendent? Correct.

Now listen, we've got to get this bloke because he's camping around here. Well,

you couldn't have asked anyone better.

If he comes in here, I'll let you know straight away.

Good. We'll be in the local pub.

Worry, fellas. Defend of me, colleagues.

The minute he comes in here, I'll be back. Jones, forward.

Coming, Mr. Craft.

Excuse me. I know he's calling.

Mr. Craft.

What is all this about superintendents and colleagues and all that? Don't you

understand? This clot is Detective Mad. He thinks we're a couple of flatties.

Oh, no. Listen, he's going to be very useful to us. He can do all the hard

work trading this pure offload while you and I take it easy.

Come on.

Yes, I think that should be very nice. Oh, yes. Now measure the waist. Yes, Mr.

Crabbe.

No, no, no.

I've got a waist, yes, Mr. Crabbe. One and a half. Big head.

Waist, yes.

73.

Dieting. Now I want a big drape at the back here. You've got a big drip in the

front. Yes, Mr. Crabbe, Mr. Crabbe, Mr. Crabbe.

Now, that'll do. Just cut it off there. Just cut it off. Okay.

No,

I think I'd better start from the bottom.

Yes, it would be better. Yes, thank you.

I'm so pleased about this material. I've been looking for this for ages. Yes,

it's very nice, isn't it?

Short back and side.

The shade.

Send it round the very next...

That's you.

Thank you, sir.

Good day. Good day.

Oh, good morning.

Tell me, that young lady leaving just now, seems the right outfit for the warm

weather. Did she get it here?

Well, I thought it helped.

Tell me, do you... Do you think an outfit like that would suit me?

What, with those legs?

And what's the matter with my legs? Nothing, sir, nothing. Well, what's on

your mind? Apart from your head.

On my mind? A formula, my dear sir. A formula? Yes.

Then you're the professor.

Oh, yes, I am. Yes, I'm the professor.

I hate scissors.

Wait a minute. I've got it. The formula. The formula. Quick, paper. Paper and a

pencil. Paper, paper, paper.

And a pencil. Here we are. We've got one.

Don't be careful. Not that side. Press cutting.

Yeah. All right. That side. I should need my reading glasses for this.

Yeah. Ah, that's much better.

I don't need glasses.

Neither do I.

Okay. X squared.

Well, they're really square eggs. You've got some round ones, some egg-shaped

eggs. They're Australian eggs from down under.

Why? Why not? That's where they come from. Down under. You see?

Chicken. Ah, you won.

Have I won what?

Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie! Pie!

Pie! Pie! Pie!

Pie!

Go and collect that 20 pounds the Grand Public House owes me. And bring the

money back.

Every penny of it. I will, Mr. Crabb. I will.

You'd better.

My last assistant embezzled some money. Doubles.

And I prosecuted.

Prosecuted? Prosecuted with the utmost rigor of the law.

He got five years.

I was on the bench.

Oh, you'll get your money back, Mr. Crabb. I'll bring it back to you, Mr.

Crabb. Do don't. And take that wretched paper out of here.

With your photograph in it. It's enough to frighten away every customer for

miles.

That's the yard.

The professor.

The black masquerader.

The pub.

18, 19, 20.

Until Mr. Crabbe, I thought he'd give me more credit, trade being so bad.

Him? He'd never give anybody credit, the mean old perisher.

Yes, gentlemen. What can I get you? A cup of barge? Two pints of beer, please.

Very good, sir.

Just the fellow I wanted to see. I've just seen him. The black masquerader.

Who? The professor?

I think it was him, superintendent.

He came in just after you left the shop.

He did, eh?

Come on, tell me more. Well, he's camping around here somewhere.

He came in for some roots and eggs.

Bats of the yard.

How long will you stay?

I'll be three shillings, sir.

I think I'll have a large whiskey.

Yes, what will you have?

Thank you, sir. Good work, Detective Jones. Well, that's the same. Oh, don't

forget. If you trace him, let us know at once.

That's the yard never forgets. Well, goodbye.

Goodbye. Don't forget your wallet. Oh, my gosh, no. There's 20 quid of Mr.

Cram's money in there.

There is? Yes. And he said if I don't bring back every penny, he'd get me five

years.

Well, well, we'll be seeing you sometime.

Yes. Goodbye.

Why don't you keep your mind on your job? Instead of lifting that poor dope's

cash, you want to concentrate on lifting the professor's formula. And you won't

find it in an half-wit's wallet. I'm sorry, Spider. It was dead easy.

In any case, before we get the formula, we've got to find the professor.

Oh, yeah.

I wonder where the heck he is.

It's the formula.

Oh, my God, the formula.

Oh, wait a minute.

Go away, buddy.

No, no, no, no.

The formula. No,

no, no.

I've lost the formula.

I've lost the formula.

Yes, sir. We are eagerly awaiting your arrival at Warwell, and all arrangements

have been made for you to work in the utmost secrecy.

Once the formula is in our hands, we shall endeavor to get the new weapon

into production immediately.

Warwell Atomic Research Station.

ringing might wake and break it down.

Hello? Yes, this is Official Secret.

Can I help you?

Yes, I like your voice too.

My name?

Oh, that's the Official Secret.

Who am I talking to?

Who? Oh, blimey. It's the C&C. He once done it.

Who's done what? No, the C&C.

Yes, but what's he done?

Nothing. He must have done it. But you just said he didn't do it. He

Hold on, will you, sir?

Our done it. My dear girl, you can't say our done it. They done it. We done it. I

done it.

Oh, you mean... Damn it, that's done it.

A switchboard?

I say transfer. This is called bigger than done it, will you?

Well, there you are.

up this time of night.

Oh?

Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.

Yes, sir.

Professor Pureheart, sir.

Oh, yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Our very best man, sir.

Very good, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

Emma!

Dinner, sir.

Oh, well, dinner.

Now, listen. There's one of these atomic professor fellows on his way to Warwell.

Well, anyway, we've got to protect him.

Well, there's an ITC up there.

Well, I suggest that we send him down there as guest of the comers. We'll have

to send one of our own people down there to shadow him.

And the question is, to whom can we give the job?

Well, sir, it's rather difficult, sir.

You see, all our special secret service agents are so deuced well-known, sir.

Hmm.

I've got it. Here, you there.

What's your name?

Carol Gailey, sir.

You've heard of this atomic fellow, Pureheart?

Yes, sir. Well, it appears they want to kill him.

And it's going to be your job to stop him.

Yes, sir. I suggest you get into civilian talks. In fact, you'd better do

that right away.

You'd better get down to the ITC of Bournemouth and report to the CL.

Very good, sir.

Pretend to be his daughter or something. Is that clear? Yes, sir. And remember,

this is absolutely secret.

Don't breathe a word of this to anybody.

Any news, RSM? Afraid not, sir. The new officer left London some hours ago.

What the devil are we supposed to do?

An intake of Z-Reservice, due here at any moment, and I've got no adjutant. I

know, sir.

And now to cap it, there's this VIP fellow on his way, too.

On his way to where, sir?

Here, man, here.

I can't think what the ward office is up to. They send me a civilian scientist

and nurse, but they don't send me an adjutant.

He must have been delayed on the road, sir.

We'll pay for this.

How dare you put on my uniform?

Fits all right.

I warn you, I shall have the whole of British Army round you here. Ah, shut

up. Once I get to Warwell... You're going to have a long walk out of you,

chummy. Because I'm going to bury your car as well.

I say, you can't take that. I can't see without it. You're not going to see us

for a dust.

All right, Edgerton.

Now for old Fuhrer and his formula.

It's fine to get into uniform.

I must say it feels good to get out of uniform.

Ah, there you are, my dear.

Why, George, you look even prettier in mouth, eh? Thank you.

I was just cursing the war office for not sending me an adjutant. But by gad,

they've made up for it.

You've sent me a daughter.

There's just one thing. When the professor arrives, you'd better leave

him to me.

I'm a bit worried about someone getting in under cover of this new Z draft.

Oh, yes, that's the point, yes.

Or for that matter, of someone giving away the fact that he's here.

Hmm. Yes, well, don't worry about it. I shall see that they don't talk.

Give them a short chat on security sometime.

Yes, what is it, RSM? Private Eccles, sir.

Usual request for promotion board. Eccles? Not him again.

Six years that man's been trying to get a stripe.

He's very keen, sir. Is he? Hmm, well, that's something.

All right, I'll see him.

Excuse me a moment, my dear.

See how we'll see you now.

Cap off.

Right turn.

The other right.

Quick, start.

Private Eccles, sir.

You don't salute with your cap off, you know.

Now then, Eccles.

Unfortunately, I've not seen my way before to promote you to Lance Corporal.

There are some privates you know who are keen, but not very intelligent.

There are, sir?

Yes, there are.

But in your case, I'm going to give you a chance to prove that you're not one of

them. Yeah, that's what I am. What? Not one of them?

Yes. Now then, I'm going to make you PT instructor.

Acting unpaid, of course, in charge of the new draft.

Oh, the Zed men, sir? No, the Zed girls.

There's a dozen or so racks joining us.

Oh! And there's no time for that sort of thing.

If you're going to make an efficient NCO, you'll have to learn how to use

your voice.

Oh, but I do use my voice, sir. I use it every time I speak.

I wouldn't use it any other way. I meant words of command.

Go away and practice them somewhere. And don't whisper, shout.

Yes, sir!

Congregational, sir. Yes, sir. Is, uh, Colonel Bloodlocket resident?

I don't know anything about that, sir, but he's in his house. Oh, splendid.

Which way?

Straight down the road, sir. First turn on the right. You can't miss it. Yes.

With my driving, I should quite probably hit it.

Good afternoon. Welcome to Warwell. I'm the CO's daughter.

Oh, splendid, splendid.

You're Mr. Whitehead, of course. Ah, no, no, I'm pure. Down here, you'll be known

as Mr. Whitehead. Oh. The fact that you're here in this cab must be kept

absolutely secret.

Oh, I see. I use an assumed name and pretend to be somebody that I'm not.

Exactly. Let's go in, shall we? Yes.

Uh, this way.

Oh.

Harry, my boy, you're on to something.

Now... How can I get my camp to watch him?

If you're talking to yourself, don't. And if you're talking to me, shut up!

Yes, but I did... Don't answer back! Say no attention, will you? What are you

doing outside the CO's house anyway?

Get fell in with the rest of the Zed men, will you? Well, let us Zed men...

Don't argue with me! Get fell in!

At the moment, I'm working on a new form of gas.

Really? Two kinds of gas.

A tear gas and a laughing gas.

Then I suggest we tell the men, you're a gas warfare expert, Mr.

Whitebread. Whitehead, sir. Whitehead, yes, yes. Then none of them will ever

suspect that you're really connected with Warville Atomic Station. Well,

that's the real trouble. You see, there's no real reason why anyone should

want to try and kill me. You see, I've lost the formula.

What? Well, I wrote it down somewhere.

Good heavens, and you don't know where it is?

A national.

I've got to remember.

Sorry to interrupt, sir. Oh, not at all.

I'm Evans, the new adjutant. Oh, well. I had a tar blowout on the way down.

Very serious dilemma, very serious. Yes, very serious. Still, you're here now.

Just in time to check in the new draft.

Yes. Over the way, this is my daughter, Carol. How do you do?

How do you do?

And this is Professor, uh, Mr. Whitebots. Uh, Warthog, sir. How do you

do? How do you do, sir? Yes, yes, yes.

Um, you'd better get off and see to that draft.

Your room's ready upstairs. And yours, Mr., um... Uh, Flashy. Uh, Wetwhite,

yes, that's right.

Now then, um, you'll need a Batman, won't you?

We shall need two, in fact.

Tell the RSM to pick out a couple, will you? Very good, sir.

I have all been in the service before.

You should know all the answers without me having to tell you.

Don't hurry yourself, will you? You've got all day.

Get Billy in there, will you?

Who do you think you are?

I think I'm fat. I know you are. What's your name? Jones. Sir!

It's not necessary, but thanks all the same. Bye, juvenile!

The first thing to do is to get you kitted up.

Anyone know where the quartermaster's stores are?

No? Right, I'll march you down to myself.

Now, don't forget the old words of command.

Squad!

Wait for it!

As you were! Squad, sit at ease!

Now then, squad!

Wait for it if you've got everything you learnt!

Well, shouldn't be it at all, really. I know you shouldn't. These other 12 are

bad enough with you making the unlucky 13.

Not very many of them, are there?

Oh, boy!

I'll do 28 days for this. Report to the guard room. You're next charge.

Yes, sir. But, sir... Donuts are back!

Never heard anything like it in all my life!

Well, I bet that woke them all up. I'm good, I am. What time is it? Half past

five. Half past five?

Yep. Well, don't get up till eight.

Ah, but you're in the army now.

Well, no, I came here by error in the first place. We all came here by error

in the first place. But you don't understand.

I'm a detective, really.

I'm on a secret service mission.

I'm Bats.

It's all mine, but I'm getting over it. No, no, that's of the yard. Here, I'll

show you.

I got my footage out here in the paper. In the paper? Yep. And what do you do?

Look at that.

That's of the yard.

Oh, yeah.

Anything on the... Here you are. What are these figures here?

Figures? Yeah.

Oh, that must be an old grocery bill I was putting up for Mr. Crab.

Oh. Oh, Mr. Crab.

For 20 quid I collected from the Crown.

He said he'd get me five years if I lost it. Oh, the army won't let you go now.

But they must. I got 20 quid.

20 pounds.

20 quid.

I've been robbed.

I'm a wanted man.

Who wants you?

The police. They'll arrest me.

What? The M.O. said I was mentally arrested. No, you... Look, I can't show

my face outside the barrack gates.

I can't show my face anywhere.

What do you mean by pinups?

These? Oh, no, not them.

He means these.

We all have them over our bed, you know. Ain't you got something to pin up over

your bed?

Yes, I have. What?

This. Oh.

My dear chap, it's no good going for me. I can't help it. We'll just have to

wait. The old fool's lost the formula.

Aren't you now?

First thing I ever heard when I got down here. He said, I wrote it down somewhere

and I can't remember where.

Oh, there you are.

What's on today?

Um, guerrilla warfare.

Guerrilla warfare?

Yeah. I know that.

Fall in! Fall in! Right,

you look more like soldiers this morning, you sports-coated plutocrats.

Not much more, but we'll send all of that.

The first thing this morning is to get two volunteers for Batman.

One for the new adjutant, one for this here gas expert, Mr. Whiteface.

Volunteers for Batman, two bases forward, march!

Blimey, arsenic and old lace.

Right, you two, report to the CO's house immediately.

Oh, can I speak, sir?

Not very well, apparently, but what is it? Well, the CO said that I could take

the women's PC class this morning.

So he did.

Right, that first.

And then cook our fatigue and then report to the adjutant!

What about me, sir? Assign him!

You've got a lot of decorations up this morning, Eccles!

Oh, you mean these medals?

What are you getting these for?

You really want to know what I got them for? Yes!

Turn Bob's a lot!

The rest of you, in the PT kit.

I'll have a go at you lot. We'll soon stiffen up those flabby muscles.

You two, right turn!

Yes, the actual action of sodium solicitate on a benzoate solution.

Hmm. Oh, sounds very interesting, Blackhead.

Whitehouse. Whitehead, yes, yes.

You've managed to get both tear gas and laughing gas into a condensed form, is

that it?

Yes, as it were, squeezed.

In fact, I have two samples upstairs in my room.

Daddy?

Daddy? Hmm? Could the professor give the men a lecture or something?

Yes, I...

ring concentration in trichlorophenamethyondrosalical

concentration rings.

Or, uh, mother crafts.

Yes. You know, it'd give us a chance to look over the new draft keys.

Hmm. Oh, I don't think we want to bore them with all that drivel about, uh...

Oh, I don't know. We might as well.

Hmm. Why not, sir? I'll go upstairs and collect the things from my room. Yes,

right. Oh, yeah.

Right, right. Excuse me. Yes.

What are you, Daddy?

Geez. You know, I'm, uh, I'm rather beginning to like this Daddy business.

Sugar Daddy?

Right over here.

Milk? Of course.

Tea? No, thanks. I never touch the stuff.

Oh.

Blimey. Was that him? Yes. With all those whiskers? Why not?

The barber's nightmare.

Well, there's one thing certain. I shan't mistake him when I come to do

him.

Life's too much.

Fall in.

Wonderful, girls.

Absolutely wonderful.

And now, girls, we're going to have another exercise.

Go get the rings.

Come on out. Hurry up.

Put together now.

Don't waste army time.

Come on out. Get in place to Cynthia, Mary, June, Fidelify. Now then, this is

what you do.

You swing them to the left and swing them to the right and grab your pockets

and do-de-do.

Now then, this is what you do.

You swing them to the left and swing them to the right. Okay?

Ready? One, two, three, go.

No,

no.

Forgive me.

This is what you do now.

Exactly as I do it.

Right.

Okay.

Good girl.

Now do exactly as I did it. Now ready. One, go.

Right.

These two men are volunteers, Batman, sir. One for the adjutant, one for his

knob.

Matter of fact, his knob's not a bad description for old Welkbreast or

whatever his confounded name is.

You might find out where he is, would you, Evans?

May God, sir. I think he's upstairs somewhere. I don't know. I'll find out.

Hello? White House 1212?

Anybody there?

No. How does nobody there?

to polish his buttons, make his bed, run his bath, and so on. But it's one of the

most sought-after jobs in the army.

I think you'll find you'll be very happy here.

Yes.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Very much.

That's all right.

No need to shake your heart.

After all, we all want to be happy in our life.

Don't we, Major?

Yes.

That can't be as bad as all that.

It's still bad.

Well, what is it then? A love affair gone wrong?

No!

Oh, you just need a little womanly sympathy.

Now, come on, smile.

Just for me.

I'll try.

That's it. Now, come on. Just a teeny-weeny smile.

That's it.

Laughter and tears mixture.

I'm sorry, miss.

I wouldn't like to offend you, of all people.

I understand.

You're the understanding kind, the sympathetic.

Think so?

Oh, but sympathy can be a dangerous thing, you know.

Sympathy is the strangest feeling Takes you by surprise And

before you realize

stealing too love is on its way

what can you do but shrug and say

if this is

You took my hand

Gentlemen, as I was saying, I've asked you to come up here.

I've asked you to come up here.

I've asked you to come up here on a very important matter. It affects everyone.

Well, that's better, that's better.

Now then, I have received information from the War Office which says that a

certain secret document has been found.

Oh, it was really, it was really bad.

So, is that all clear, gentlemen?

I'm sorry, sir, we didn't quite catch the... I was saying, Bullshine, I've had

information from the ward office that a dangerous spy has penetrated this camp

and is trying to get hold of a secret formula which belongs to the Warwell

Atomic people.

It is essential, therefore, that none of your men talk.

Careless talk may mean disaster.

We don't know who the spy is. Probably got him with the last zed intake.

We can screen those men, sir.

Yes,

but it may be a woman disguised as a wreck or something.

I would like to remind you, gentlemen, that one of the world's most famous

spies was a woman, Mata Hari.

She was a particularly clever woman, very, very beautiful.

A singer, if you remember, who, by showing sympathy and using all her

feminine allure, got young soldiers under her spell.

They believed her to be their friend, and from them she got their secrets.

Have we a Mata Hari amongst us? Is there a woman spy on this camp?

Well, that is all, gentlemen.

Keep your eyes open.

And above all, see that your men don't talk.

You wish to attend heart inspection, sir?

Oh, that's a good idea.

I'd like to have the place looking smart.

We'll go along, shall we?

No, nothing's broken yet.

It's the formula that's holding up everything.

Once Pure Heart gets it back again, the balloon will go up and the professor

will be taken for a ride.

Yes. Yes, I'll let you know.

Goodbye. Caught red-handed.

So you thought by using sympathy and all your family allure you'd get me under

your spell.

What on earth are you talking about? The game's up, Mother Harry.

I'm bats.

You're telling me.

I know all about you masquerading as a colonel's daughter, about Pure Heart

pretending to be Whitehead, about the formula, about bumping people off and

taking people for rides and everything.

I'm the world's greatest defective.

Now, look, Jonesy, you apparently know a good deal, so you can help.

I'm not a martyr, Harry. I'm MI5 Gailey.

MI5? Yes, now, you know there's going to be a concert tonight.

Well, the attempt will be made then when everyone's at the hall.

Now, the spies will try and get hold of the missing formula, but no one knows

where it is.

Yes? Not bad.

Not bad at all.

But, uh, these pinups, or whatever you call them, they'll have to come down.

Can't have those up, can we? No, sir. Not for regulation.

Make a note of that, Harry, Sam, will you? Very good, sir.

But, sir, we dream about these. You do?

Give me that one.

This one? Yes.

How about that one?

I said this one here.

Disgusting.

Revelting. Yes.

Nauseating.

This one's even worse. Give me that.

Yes, sir.

What do you do with this?

Have nightmares about it?

That's the yard.

Seems horrible.

That's funny, sir. That photo looks familiar.

I wonder where I saw it before.

Oh, look, there's some figures on the back. It seems to be some sort of a

formula. A formula?

May I see it? Yes, certainly. I don't suppose it's important, but I'd better

keep it.

On is M. Yes, yes. Remind me to see Private Jones and tell him not to pin

his press cuttings up in the hut.

Very good, sir.

You can carry on now, R.H.M.

I'm going to go and finalize these concert arrangements.

You'd better come with me, I hope.

Oh, good.

I like concerts, sir, you know.

I've played a lot of concerts.

Oh, Danny Cajun.

Yes,

well, Danny seems to be okay.

Yes, sir. Yes.

Well, now, Stanton, how long does this act of yours run?

About ten minutes, sir.

Ten minutes?

Yes, sir. You can't make all those changes of costume in ten minutes.

You see, sir, it's a quick change act.

I'm sorry, I don't see how it can be done.

I'll show you, sir. Ready, Bert? Yeah.

Well, sir.

Cyrano de Bergerac.

Okay, that's fine, Le Bourget. Uh, Stanton? Uh, what's next?

Girls. Ah.

All right, chat, get the stuff off as good as you can.

Heckles?

Heckles, get your girls out of here.

All right. Yes.

Ah, that face.

I've seen it somewhere before recently.

I've got it. Your bat's in the beltway.

That's in the yard. Yes, that's it.

The newspaper cutting.

The figure's on the back.

That's my formula.

The formula? Yes.

Yes, I remember now. I was in a grocery shop, and you were in the grocery shop.

You were laying square eggs. But the formula, who's got it now?

Ah, the adjutant.

The adjutant? Yes.

Signed, sealed, and almost delivered.

So now we can get busy with old pure art, eh? You can, but not just yet. I

don't want to arouse any suspicion.

I'll put this under lock and key, and then try and get into touch with

headquarters.

But why can't I do old pure art now?

Because there'll be a much better chance tonight when they're all busy at the

concert.

Well, I turned round to the air commodore. He said, you know, sir, you

can't land a seaplane on a runway, don't you? And the air commodore said, I'm

perfectly well aware of that.

Caught up, opened the door, fell in the sea, and hasn't been heard of since.

There you go, Buster.

Well, ladies, I think we might as well be getting across.

Pretty good show they've fixed up for us, I'm told.

Your daughter's singing, isn't she, Colonel? My who? Her daughter? Oh, yes,

yes, she is. A couple of songs, I believe.

Anyway, when the adjutant arrives, we'll get across, shall we? I believe he's

gone over already, sir. He has? Well, we'll go now, in that case.

I always think you're so entertaining.

Thank you.

Now, look, hold the phone for me. Right. As soon as I'm through, I'm going over

to get the formula back before my second number.

Shall I come too? No, you stay here, Bats. Fill in for me if I don't get back

in time. Okay, okay.

Here is the story, a sad and dismal tale, of the fall from grace and glory

of a miserable male.

He was tall, dark, handsome as could be, and the ladies always looked upon him

lovingly. But tall, dark, and handsome was called upon to serve his country for

a fortnight in the Zed Reserve.

He was proud, pleased.

How could he foresee the sort of things that happen in the Queen's Army?

For when he arrived, the sergeant major swore, I've never seen anything like it

in me. not before his smart city suit was cut so square with the drape at the

back and so was his hair the colonel then was heard to cry down among

the zed men down among the zed men down down down down down among

the zed men they thrust both

his feet into thick army socks

he chopped off his long black locks.

When a battle dress replaced his smartly cut suits, his shoulders were no wider

than his big army boots.

And then was heard his anguished cry, down among the Zed men,

down among the Zed men, down, down, down, down, down among the Zed

men.

The ladies who with love were torn, now pretended not to know him, all laughed

with scorn. There's a moral to my tale that's plain to see.

The shape nature made him a man must be, or he may hear the ladies cry.

Down among the Zed men, down among the Zed men, down, down, down, down,

down among the Zed men, let him.

ladies and gentlemen for our surprise item you've heard the colonel's charming

daughter now here is the old here's the colonel himself colonel bloodlock

ladies

and gentlemen um the other day i went along to the cinema the local cinema to

see one of these american war films And in this American war film, there was a

young lieutenant, we know them as lieutenant, who endeavored to save the

day, save the whole army from entire destruction. He wasn't very successful,

and that is why I'm going to show you a little burlesque now of what happened.

I'd like you to imagine the scene on a battlefield inside a rather battle

-scarred headquarters, and there are three high-ranking American officers

standing around a table, and they call this young lieutenant into the room. It

goes like this.

Lieutenant, I have called you here because we are in a very, very grave

position.

Yes, sir.

We are not only completely... Oh, one moment, Lieutenant.

Hello? HQ?

Yes. And another thing, goodbye.

Lieutenant, we are not only completely surrounded by units of the 15th Panzer

Division, but they are...

moment, Lieutenant.

Surrounding and penetrating our main defense line.

Yes, sir.

Gentlemen, it's a good job you called me in.

I can get you all out of this.

My plan is very simple.

Permission to speak, sir?

Thank you, sir.

Now then, we are here and the enemy is here.

Now then, what happens is this. They attack, not knowing I'm waiting for

them, see?

I close in.

to try and sell you this rather lovely old antique chair on behalf of an

absolutely smashing cause of a charity.

In actual fact, it is on behalf of those incredibly brave lads of the civil

service that in our country's hour of the direst need, they threw down the pen

and then they took off the guns and... Exactly the self-saved

chaps are sort of sweating it out and working away in the fields, the

factories and the forest.

You know...

You see, you see, you hold in your hands the key, the golden key.

Then why don't you turn it and unlock the door to this... Would you frankly

mind if I closed the door? There's a heck of a draft.

Float in your veins.

But you see, in our shipyards today, we are trying to build a mighty new vessel

of steel.

Then let us launch it and watch it slide slowly down the slipway towards the

ocean.

The ocean with all its...

plough and guide it along the street.

I believe it was someone who said, stone walls do not the prison make, nor the

iron bars the cage.

Then look, look into the mirror.

A comb out, comb out to the tangled web of political apathy. And as the

shreds of despair pass the moth, then let the great music of adoration pluck,

pluck at the heartstrings and with one...

run to the back of the stage.

As soon as he comes out, get him. Right.

Now, where's Stanton? Is his clothes ready?

Oh, yes, they're already behind the screen. He goes out first and makes his

opening spiel, then I have his first change all ready. Good, fine.

Oh, there he is now.

Yes, okay.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It gives me the greatest pleasure to

present to you this evening a character sketch in which I play no fewer than ten

different... characters in as many minutes.

In civilian life I played this sketch before all the crowned heads of Europe

and I hope sincerely it gives you as much pleasure as it gave them.

that grows like some enchanted rose from out the earthy contours of my face?

Is something to be mocked? Has it not grace?

What other nose than this can boast such strength, such grandeur, such enormity,

such length?

My tears of gratitude for such a one stand trembling in my eyes, but do not

run, aghast at such a journey.

the maiden in my arms.

Blind to my nose, for I have other charms, should she then start for fear

someone's behind some peeping Tom. I say to ease her mind, fear not.

Tis but this that's breathing down your back, the nose of Cyrano de Bergerac.

So, now you stop there and wait for the crooks, and I'll go upstairs and look

for Carol, okay? Right.

I ought to charge him for a bearskin rug.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm looking for a man named Jones. Little Welsh fellow.

He's stolen 20 pounds of mine. Haven't seen him in ten years.

Ten years, you say? It's a long time, isn't it? I mean, ten years is a long

time, isn't it? Ten years. Ah, bye.

Name was George, you say?

That's right.

Welsh, you say?

Yes. Well, I've seen out of him, I'll tell this. Bye.

Try the ground.

All right.

It's all right, Professor. I've got the formula back and I've given it to the

CO. I'm not the Professor.

Harry! Jones?

Well, where's the real Professor?

Upstairs, I suppose.

Everybody else is.

Well done, lads. Well done.

So they were the spies.

What shall we do with them?

Take my advice and leave them where they are.