Original subtitles

Oh my god.

Don't make a sound, and you won't get hurt.

Wow, you sure are pretty.

You give up?

Stop. I give up.

What do you think? I almost had you this time.

I've seen better.

Come on. I don't make such a great burglar, but I'm a hell of a lover.

There's one right there. Yeah.

Ah. Ah.

Ugh.

Hello? This is she.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Alright, alright, alright, thank you.

You okay?

My Uncle Hugh died.

Who's Uncle Hugh?

You know the one that owned the airline?

He didn't have any children and he left his airline to me.

That's great.

What am I going to do with an airline?

I give up. What did the lesbian say to the nun?

I think I can help you kick that habit.

Hello.

Are you open?

I'm open for just about anything. How about you?

Me too.

No, I meant open for business.

Business? Oh, you mean you want to book a flight?

All right then. Now, will this be first class or coach?

No. Smoking, non-smoking?

Drinking, non-drinking?

Well... Will you be carrying on any small domestic animals or barnyard

beasts? So you do have flights going out today?

Um... No.

No. Sorry.

No flights.

Not so far.

This is... Is this Janus Airways?

Janus?

Who the hell's Janus? Sounds like a girl's airline.

Oh, you mean Janus.

You're talking about our boss, Hugh Janus.

Originator of the red-eye flight.

Recently departed.

That was my uncle. I'm Terry.

Terry?

I remember when we used to bounce around on our knee back in... How you doing,

anyway? Last time I saw you, you were only this big.

Well, I'm not little anymore, and I now own this airline.

Bravo. Good for you.

Congratulations.

And you two are... Oh, I thought you remembered us. I'm the pilot, Sam, and

this is pilot Dave.

Sam and Dave.

Hold on, I'm coming. Easy, easy, my guy.

And do you always work the counter?

Well, since the clerks quit, yes.

You had this funny idea about getting paid.

Imagine that.

You see, not too many people want to charter 747 these days.

Well, other than Bill Clinton.

And we don't let him on this plane.

Cleaning bill's got to be too much.

Okay.

All right, well, from now on, we're going to do things differently around

here. I like the sound of that. I like the sound of that my own self. Good,

good, good. Different is good. Like, what different?

Yeah.

Well, I'll have to get back to you on that exactly.

Right, right. Oh, oh, Terry, before you go anywhere, this is a little something

that your uncle left you.

We didn't read it, even though it's open.

Okay, well, thank you.

We'll be talking.

We've got faith in you.

Onward and upward.

Blue skies ahead.

Weird dad.

Terry, if you're reading this...

then you already know that I've shuffled off to that big baggage claim in the

sky. But don't cry over me.

I've had a great life.

Back when I started flying airplanes, things were so different.

You used to have to change the tires while the plane was in the air.

And catching a flight was a lot harder than it is today.

Getting a window seat or a seat with a view was a dangerous proposition, but

we always managed to get the customer to their destination, safe and sound, and

in one piece.

Flying was so new that people used to gather from all around to see me

take the old plane up in the air.

There was your Aunt Kimberly, always on the sidelines.

Cheering me on.

Sometimes to my own distraction.

Unfortunately.

But times change and so did I.

Everyone has to move on eventually.

And I wanted to leave my airline to you.

Treat her gently.

She still has a few good miles left on her.

Keep my dream alive if you can, and good luck.

Love, Uncle Janice.

Right there. Right there. Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Little interaction.

Just like that. Don't move. Don't move.

Nice! Beautiful

Big smiles, big smiles. Everybody's happy, right? Having fun.

Alright ladies, I think we've done enough with these outfits.

Why don't we get changed into something else?

Sound good?

How much are you paying them?

Nothing. I'm shooting a brochure for them.

Really? For what?

Well, they do bachelor parties.

Oh.

Well, one of us needs to make money because this airline I inherited is

practically bankrupt.

It's really a mess. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to figure out a

way to either sell it or attract business somehow, but I don't know how

to do that.

Maybe it's the name.

Anus Air?

It stinks.

It's not Anus Air, you moron. It's Janus Air.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm at my wit's end.

Sex.

Sex sells.

So what, are we going to have sex with people to make them buy airline tickets?

No. We'll get some beautiful girls, we'll have them parade around the

counter, entice some customers.

Hmm.

But we don't have any money. How are we going to pay models?

What, are girls just going to fall out of the sky?

Ladies, I have a little problem that maybe you could help me out with.

I need some swimsuit models to do a promotion at my airline ticket counter

tomorrow, and you girls need photographs for your bachelor party brochure, so

maybe we could work out some sort of a trade.

It sounds fair.

Yeah. Oh, but the only thing is, is we have a really big party for this oil

typhoon sun.

Typhoon. Whatever.

Anyways, it means big bucks to us. Really important to us. It'll take us a

couple hours to get ready.

Okay, well, I can have you out by six.

That's perfect.

That'll work.

Really? Oh, great.

All right, well, if this is going to work, I have a lot to do.

I'll be right back.

Wow, so, you know, these guys are paying a lot of money tomorrow, and we're not

going to have time to rehearse tomorrow. Maybe we should...

practice or rehearse our little girl, girl in a twine so that we're ready for

these guys tomorrow. Yeah, we have to give them performance art for sure.

Right. Like, I'm going to have to start.

We could take this off first, sensually.

Start kissing down her neck. I mean, because we'll be wearing different

outfits, too. Remember those great outfits we have? We just need to make

sure that, like, yeah, we get her bra.

And, like, a lot of hair playing.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I probably want to take my dog off, too.

I think

they'll

like this.

Uh-huh.

I like this.

Young and pretty And I was young and dumb Used to take

you dancing And act like it was fun You said you liked

my music You said it was cute Couldn't make

you happy Didn't bring in the losing Those days

are gone

Those days are gone.

I got a new girl and she feels all right.

Got a new car, gonna drive all night.

Feels pretty good, this life at the top.

I thought my life was over when you left me.

How was I to know I was being set free?

Cause I still got my music And I still got my car

With the money I saved I got this new guitar

Those days are gone Those days are gone

And I got a new girl and she feels alright Got a new car, gonna drive all

night Feels pretty good, this life at the top

You

tell me that you love me so And you

turn around and let me go But I never seen anything like

you

They tell me that a fact's a fact, well I'm glad to have this monkey up my back.

Those days are gone.

Guys, this looks great! Hey, this is so great.

You're not looking too bad yourself there, boss.

Okay,

so how much have we made so far?

Oh, totals, totals. We made the credit cards, not to mention checks, personal

checks, and my favorite, cash, for a grand total of zero.

What?

Zip, zilch. We got nothing.

Look at the bright side. At least we don't owe anything.

Airport Authority asked me to hand you this. Oh, what is it?

I don't know. I just work here.

Terminal rental?

Littering penalty?

My bad.

Runway usage?

I knew we should have stopped using that runway.

$25,000?

Ouch. Where am I going to get $25,000?

Sorry,

Vibrate. Hello?

Hey, Gary.

Oh.

I see.

Okay. Bye.

Girls, I have really bad news. What?

Well, our oil typhoon... Tycoon?

Whatever. He's canceling his bachelor party on us. Oh, no.

His fiancée is stuck. She's in Miami. He's got to fly there. Get married

tomorrow. Oh, why there? What a bummer.

I wonder where we can find a plane that can fly this. Hey, wait a second.

I have a great idea.

Call him back. Tell him we'll fly him and all his friends to Miami.

You can do the bachelor party on the plane in the air.

Call him back. Oh, I hope he goes for it. He's going to be so happy. Oh, my

God. Of course he'll go for it. I love that. That's a great idea.

Gary? Hey, what's going on? It's Tracy.

Listen, I think I have a solution to your little problem.

How about this?

You can charter our airplane, have your bachelor party, bring all your friends,

and we can get you to Miami so that you can get married.

Hold on. How much?

$25,000.

For only $25,000.

Plus free mileage.

You will?

That's why you're the boss.

I think we're ready to have a bachelor party.

Yeah!

Let's party!

Me? Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm Captain Sam, Captain Sam of Bikini Airways. Of course, I've been

flying since, well, ever since, well, almost Vietnam. I was supposed to fly in

that big war there, but my father always told me that you must never strike

another person in anger unless you're absolutely sure that you can get away

with it.

But I've been flying these domestic babies like Big Bertha here about the

last 25 years.

And of course, you know, it's been kind of tough here for the airlines. And I

hope that maybe now we can put this new bachelor party thing coming up. Maybe

we'll finally make a little money, you know?

Maybe get this thing painted.

Might even get a fat hat that fits.

You must be Gary. I am Gary. Gary, how you doing? You must be the cameraman.

I'm the cameraman. Excellent cameraman.

Hey, one thing you've got to let me know. How does it feel to charter a

plane for your bachelor party?

Come on, fella. It's not a charter plane for a bachelor party. It's a charter

plane to get us to Miami so that I can be in a wedding in a few hours. It's a

party. It's a party. It's a party. You guys are going to take care of him,

right? Oh, yeah.

The plane's never going to land.

Well, go ahead. Get on board. Strap in. Get ready to have some fun.

Thanks. We'll see you on board. We'll see you later.

You're missing me, baby.

All right.

Pull this thing.

Oh,

much better.

Hi, welcome.

Hey, thanks. You must be the groom.

Yes, my name is Gary.

Gary? Yes. Let me show you to your seat. Thank you.

And you are?

And I would be the groomsman.

Come with me.

Here's your seat.

Why, yes it is. Thank you.

Ah, perfect.

Don't forget to strap yourself in.

Okay. And can I get you a newspaper?

Why, yes.

Okay.

Uh, who are you?

Oh, I'm the best man.

I'll be the judge of that.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking.

We're going to be flying today at between 05,000 and 45,000 feet. We're

not quite sure.

We want to welcome you to Hugh Janus Airlines, the big red eye in the sky.

Oh, sorry, correction.

The recently renamed Bikini Airways, like flying on Cloud 69.

In fact, where the plane is a strip down is the girls who fly it.

Now, if in the event of a sudden cabin pressure...

well it's really no big deal we're in charge so we'll be fine now we would

encourage you to all please strap in your seat belts those of you who have a

seat belt those of you who don't please hold on to those who do we'll get back

at you as soon as we're airborne bye-bye

Wouldn't want anything to happen to you on this flight.

So I buckle you up myself.

Very nice.

Uh, is the magazine okay?

Whatever you've got.

Okay.

Oh, uh, okay.

There you go.

Well, after we get off, I'll be back for your cocktails.

Oh, no. What the hell is this? Get out of here. Go on, get out. Get out of

here. Get out of here. Boy, first we got to deal with all those homeless people

out there, and now him.

Bootball didn't even have a squeegee. For God's sake. This man calls himself a

professional.

What do you say, big guy?

Should we taxi down that runway?

You can do it.

Turn it over, baby, turn it over.

There it is, there it is. Last one.

All right, thrust us back.

All right, here we go.

Thrusters back three quarter.

All right.

Thrusters back.

I'm flying with my eyes closed. Kind of a rush.

Hey! Somebody slow the plane down!

Hey!

You put off the gas!

I can't explosion.

Can you reach the thrusters?

That was easy.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, congratulations.

We are airborne.

Party time.

What do you say we break open the bar, huh? I think it's a good idea.

You want to take the wheel?

Yeah, let me get that for you. Let me see.

Get back there.

Oh, no.

What?

They sold the bar.

Here you go. Thank you.

Okay, let's get these guys drunk, but not too drunk.

Okay. They still have to write that check.

Right.

Hi.

Hi.

Gary, here's your drink.

Yes.

Now sit tight.

There's going to be a show in the back in 15 minutes.

Well, good. I hope I get to see a lot more of you.

Come on, you will.

Are you

thirsty?

Very.

Good. Take a drink.

Is it to your liking?

I like you very much.

Thank you.

I'll be back with more later.

I got something for you.

Oh, what's that?

Something I give all the guys.

Oh, yeah?

A stiff one.

Be careful not to spill.

I hear that stuff stains.

Cheers.

Baby, all this pure oxygen is, uh, it's getting to me. It's making a man out of

me. I just, I don't know what to do. I think maybe you and I should sneak off

somewhere and...

Come on, come on. Our first priority is to make sure these guys have a great

time. You're right.

Let's do that. Yeah. All right. Now you go do your job.

I'm on it.

Hi, I'm Terry, and that's my signature move. So this is why I work at Bikini

Airways.

Oh, yeah.

So what was I saying?

Oh, yeah.

So anyways, um...

Yeah, that's my signature move, and I work at Bikini Airways because, let's

face it, I look good in a bikini.

And I know how to put a seatbelt on, I know how to fly, and certainly know how

to dance for the bachelor parties and collect money in my G-string.

See, high school didn't really work out because, like, everyone kept doing my

homework for me, and then when the test came, like, I couldn't pass the test, so

I kept getting D's and F's, so I figured I shouldn't go to college. So I should

just buy a pair of tits and do bachelor parties.

So here I am.

Okay, guys. Bye!

Oh, come on. Dave, Dave, Dave.

I've never seen one, never have, never will. You know why? Because they don't

exist.

They're real.

UFOs exist.

Yeah.

When's the last time you saw one? Come on. We're up here all the time. We can

look a hundred miles in any direction up here. You ever seen anything that

remotely resembles a UFO?

I think not, my friend.

There have been plenty of sightings, man. The problem is there's like this

huge conspiracy to cover it all up. I mean, Roswell.

I mean, like, what about the whole Nixon-Gleeson deal?

Nixon-Gleeson?

I didn't even know they ran on the same ticket.

No, man. I'm talking about President Dick Nixon took Jackie Gleeson to Area

51. He showed him these things.

Well, so what? JFK took Marilyn Monroe to the Oval Office and showed her his

thing. That didn't prove anything, did it?

You know what your problem is, man? You got a closed mind.

Your problem is you got an open mouth.

Hi, guys. Oh!

You ever heard of knocking?

It's my airline. I don't have to knock.

How's it going up here?

Fine. Great.

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Pretty good.

Just checking on you.

Yeah. Thanks.

All right, now, if there's anything that you don't know what it is, just don't

touch it, okay?

Right. Okay, good.

Hang in there.

I know what that is. I wouldn't mind touching it either.

You know something?

I don't think she liked our takeoff.

Hi, I'm Vicki, and I've been an amateur, professional, erotic, exotic dancer

for, gosh, as long as I can remember.

Probably since I could probably walk, you know, I had a little jiggle every

now and again.

But the reason that I'm on Bikini Airlines is because I got all these

bills to pay, speeding fines, and I got arrested a couple of times for some

things.

Running naked in the street and some other things that you guys probably

don't want to know about.

But the real reason, too, is I've always wondered how many cocks are in that

cockpit.

Gentlemen, to Bikini Airways, huh?

What an airline.

Gary, you do not disappoint.

I do what I can.

Good-looking ladies, huh? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Did you see the coconuts on this door? I almost got blinded by those. Those

things are weapons.

And what about the lugs on mine all the way up there?

Phenomenal. From forever. Yeah. Good-looking girls. Did you guys see

what she did with my drink?

Uh-uh.

Really? Nice.

Good work.

She put a head on it. Let's put it that way.

And how about the girl that's with you, man? She's, like, in love with you. You

know, for what we're paying these ladies, they should be in love with all

of us.

Damn right.

Ah, Gary, you're such a lucky guy.

And you got Francine.

Yeah. Yes, I do. She's a nice girl, huh?

A virgin, no less.

You know, I kind of miss her. I think I better give her a call. I'll see you

guys in a little while, huh?

What's a virgin?

Come on.

Fifteen minutes for the show, brother.

All right, let's go.

Hello? Hey, honey, it's me.

Hi, honey. I miss you.

I miss you.

Hey, did you get the flowers I sent?

Oh, yes.

They are so beautiful.

Good.

Now, I hope you didn't tip that guy, because I paid him extra in advance.

Oh, um, I already gave him something.

How long ago did the flowers get there?

Um, well, um, um, he came about five minutes ago.

Honey, I gotta go. I'll call you later, though, okay?

Okay. I love you.

Yeah, me too.

I wasn't supposed to tip you.

Let's see.

This is really what I like to do. Just lay here and do nothing.

And that's kind of my goal with Bikini Airlines.

I was a model. And let's not kid ourselves.

I made so much money. And I was really famous.

And you probably recognize me and go, what is she doing now?

Well, I blew it. You know, it happens. Stuff, you know, it happens.

And so I hooked up with this girl because I'm so over men.

And I like to do girls and like model with them and stuff.

And so we were doing that, and then they just kind of came and said, do you want

to come on this airline?

And I thought, you know, enough with the girls, enough with the modeling. I'm

going to find a rich husband, and he's going to take care of me.

So I'm just pretty much going to hit on the first bachelor that comes along, and

his wife can just go to hell.

Welcome to the bachelor party, gentlemen.

We're the chicks.

Well, hey, right over here. Grab a seat right down here.

Get you set up. We'll get you started.

Have some fun.

You guys like girls, right?

No.

You're kind of stupid, aren't you?

Yeah, but I'm banging the boss.

Fellas? Yo!

Hey.

Hi. What are you doing?

I'm just doing a little paperwork.

Hey, you're supposed to be having a good time.

Oh, I am. This is a great bachelor party.

Good, good.

Bachelor parties are kind of a tradition in my house. You know, a rite of

passage. It's my dad's idea.

He's got to have a good bachelor party before he gets married.

Well, I suppose you only get one bachelor party.

One marriage, one bachelor party. That's kind of how it works.

The wedding is actually kind of my dad's idea, too.

The girl is a daughter of one of his business partners, and he thought it'd

be a great idea to really cement their relationship if we, you know... Yeah.

Oh.

What about you?

She's wonderful.

I've known her a long time, and she's... It's kind of, uh...

Yeah, I don't want to get in your business.

What about you, though? How did you end up here?

I inherited this business from my uncle.

You inherited an airline?

Yeah, he was a funny, funny, sweet, lovable character, but he didn't exactly

have a head for business, so I kind of have a mess on my hands.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, I'm trying to get it above water so I can sell it or something, you know.

Well, I guess your husband will be helpful.

Oh, Jim, the photographer?

He's my boyfriend.

Oh, your boyfriend?

Yeah, he's my boyfriend.

Oh, I didn't know that.

And I really want you to know something.

Your chartering this plane today, it kind of saved our bacon.

Thanks a lot. That really helped us out. You know, we're in business another day

now.

Oh, hey, you know, it's my pleasure. I was glad I could help.

I should probably get back.

You're crazy.

No, but how perfect in the bathroom?

This is crazy.

We're actually going to get in trouble.

No, we're not going to get in trouble. Are you kidding?

I'm just going to find out.

Baby, I got some great footage.

Oh, great.

It started slow, got hotter and hotter, and I'm starting to feel like, you know,

maybe you and I should just...

Snuggle up for a few minutes. Take five.

Come on.

Come on. Come on. Please, please, please, please, please. No, we're

working. Come on.

Fine.

You didn't mind our business.

Come on.

No, I promise. When we get home, you'll get everything you want and more. I

promise.

Hi, I'm Terry.

I own this company. I've never actually worked before. I don't have any kind of

career. I've never had to work. Well,

I've been living off of inheritances.

My grandfather died when I was young, and he left me with a trust.

And then my father died when I was in my early 20s.

But basically, I've been just doing a lot of like...

volunteer work in afghanistan and ethiopia and then the rest of the time

i'm i'm a full-time animal rights activist and but now i inherited this

company and now i run this bikini airways and we we do bachelor parties in

the sky so yeah this is what i do now

Puds? You mind.

Cards?

I think I'm fine. I'll stay right here.

All right. In that case, I think you're bluffing.

And I'm going to bet you my last two weeks paycheck, which I haven't gotten

yet. Call.

Double or nothing.

You're on.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hmm.

What are you doing?

Oh, we're still flying.

What are you doing?

I ordered a pizza.

Oh, what kind did you get?

Um, uh, pepperoni and sausage.

Your favorite. Now, hey, don't stuff yourself.

I don't think I could take another inch. I mean, another bite.

Um, honey?

I'm in the middle of my favorite TV show.

Honey, I understand.

You know, I'll call you when we get a little bit closer, okay?

Okay, bye.

Is that all you got?

Let's see.

I was flying since I was about, oh, yay high, or I don't know, yay high, or

I don't know. I was pretty high when I started flying.

One of the big things for me about flying is I really have a goal in life,

and I'm thinking with this change of ownership that I may attain that goal.

I've really wanted to be a member of the Mile High Club for the longest time, and

this may be my lucky flight.

They work out for me in other ways, too.

You know, Captain Sam, he's getting up there in years, and I think there's

maybe a little too much excitement for him. That dude's liable to keel over of

a heart attack any second now.

I get to take over.

That'd be pretty cool.

Hey man, where'd everybody go? I don't know.

Good problem.

Come on already.

Honey?

Oh, hi, guys, um, excuse me. Hi, hi, hi, excuse me. Have you seen Jim?

Thanks.

Oh, you are the best, man.

Oh, you are.

Oh,

it's

that time of day again.

A little coffee break.

And nothing's better with Irish coffee than whipped cream. And I know where

they got it. Here, take the wheel.

Be right back.

Man, it's delicious.

Oh, it's bad.

It's terrible.

Jesus, that's mad.

Yeah.

Pretty good.

That's a record.

How's it going, Dave?

I'm concentrating here.

Really?

I

didn't

know you were up here. I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just... I got something in my eye and...

You're having a good time, aren't you?

I'm having a really good time, thanks.

Good.

You don't seem okay.

You know, you're very lucky that you found somebody really great, because

it's not easy to do.

Can I tell you something?

She's the most self-absorbed woman I've ever met. I don't think we have anything

in common.

I don't know if I want to marry her.

I wish she was more like you.

Hardworking, committed, beautiful.

Too bad you're already taken.

Actually, as of today, I think I'm back on the market.

Is there anything I can do to help you?

No.

I'm sorry, I should not have done that.

No, I think that was a very good idea.

You'll see.

Take your time.

Don't mind me.

Just a little something for the kids at home.

A winner every time.

Hello? Hello, honey.

Francine! Don't talk. Just listen, okay? I know what I'm about to say is going to

upset you, but I can't marry you.

You see, this virginal thing, I can't break the virginal streak, you see? So

I'm going to run away to a convent.

Yeah, I'm going to become none. So listen,

don't try and find me, okay?

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, and you have a wonderful life, okay?

Okay.

Oh, and thank you. Thank you for the flowers.

Bye.

You're never going to believe this.

Perfect,

perfect, perfect.

Perfect, perfect, and...

Thank you Who's flying the plane?

Wacky guy Thank

you,

thank you Thank you.

Does she look familiar?

Check out this one.

She puts the ooh in Kamasutra.

I wouldn't mind a couple of wallets out of that. Yeah.

Wallets.

You just gave me a great idea.

Right back.

Hey.

I wanted to thank you for a really nice flight.

Oh, I have a little something for you.

This is a check for $25,000.

If you ever need a business partner in this airline, you let me know. I've

grown pretty fond of it.

Thank you. Well, I don't have to think about that twice.

You've got yourself a partner.

Good.

All right.

What's going on?

Hi, honey.

Don't hi-honey me. You cheated on me. We're finished.

It's not my fault. I did everything I could to get her off.

Not enough.

Hey, kids, we want to thank you for flying Bikini Airways, and we've got a

special souvenir for all of you.

Memorable photos of some of the finer moments on board. In fact, I think that

this is just about my favorite one.

Yeah, you got a good side.

What do you think, boss?

I've seen better.

Learned them good, huh?

Well, gentlemen, the rest of these will be available when we land. Oh, say, for

ten bucks a piece?

Dave, who's flying the plane?

Stupid bitch.

Wacky guy.

Hey, buckle up. We land in ten minutes.

Let's go get the first class again.

Hey, baby.

How about you and me?

We could really go places.

I don't think so. I would never date somebody who cheats on his girlfriend

with me.

And besides...

I love a man in uniform.

Attention, please. This is your captain. We are on our approach to sunny Miami.

So if you've got him, strap him on right now.

We aren't going to have any turbulence in the air, but we do expect some once

we land.

but it was it

that

way and most likely

remember the mile high

club there for a second That was phenomenal.

I think I did.

How did you do it?

I thought that was my best landing so far. I need a cigarette.

That was great.

That's my idea of the friendly skies.

What's your name again?

What does a guy have to do to get laid around here?

I don't know.

That's not what I had in mind, but it's a good start.