Original subtitles

Yes,

we were all high back in 1970, a little bit of solid gold there by little Nicky

Berlin. Uncle Bobby be playing all those solid gold platters from 1970 and on to

the big reunion bash over at State College campus for the class of 1970.

And what a year that was, boys and girls.

I'm sure none of us will ever forget our own All-American halfback, Roger Kane,

who scored a record 36 touchdowns for State College on his way to leading that

team to the Liberty Bowl against Penn on that unforgettable December afternoon.

Yes, the 40,000 screaming fans who witnessed it, I'm sure, will never

forget Roger Kane's performance that day.

State behind by three points and only time enough for one more play. Things

look grim for State.

Starbuck drops back to pass.

He's got good coverage. He's got Roger Cain all along at the 50-yard line.

Cain is at the 45.

He's at the 40. The 35.

He's picked up a wall in Walker.

Only one more defender can stop him now.

Roger Cain. He's at the 20. He's at the 15.

The 10.

The 5.

10.

Roger Kane has done it again!

Yeah, I thought I was all alone out here.

No.

Played a lot of games here.

Well, he takes me back.

I know.

You're Roger Kane.

Wow, after five years, I didn't think anybody remembered my name.

I remember.

Who are you?

I used to go to school here.

You went to see me play here, right?

A few times.

37 touchdowns I scored.

You in my class or something, or what? You don't look... You look kind of

vaguely familiar, I guess.

No, you wouldn't remember me.

Yeah, I didn't expect to see anybody here.

Not this time of year, anyway.

What brings you up here?

Sentimental reason.

Yeah, kind of the same way with me, too.

Oh, a lot, a lot, a lot of great moments out there.

Those stands filled with these cheering people.

Crazy times, you know.

You come back here often?

Back to campus?

Every year.

A lot of changes take place. It's my first time back here. Five years.

A lot of changes.

New buildings, new faces. I don't recognize anything anymore.

Things change.

You better believe it.

People change.

Oh, yeah.

I know I am. I'm sure you have, too.

Yeah, this is a big day, you know, for me.

Last reunion day.

That's right.

Class of 70.

Hey, how'd you know that?

Everybody knows about you, Roger.

After five years, you still remember?

I should probably be over at the fraternity house.

All the guys, probably all drinking, getting all tanked up anyway.

Hey, I guess I'd just rather be alone out here.

Taking in my last hurrah.

Hey, you seen Coach Benson around?

He's still here.

Is he?

What's he look like? Still look the same, I guess.

Yeah.

I probably should go look him up, but I had a crazy experience one day at his

house. My senior year, two nights before the French exam.

I went over just to see the coach about some football business.

And his wife was there alone. Remember that French girl he married?

She was there and, you know, taking care of her roses.

I'm here!

Oh!

Oh!

You're Roger!

Is Coach Benson home?

Oh, uh, no, no, he's not. But please, come in. Oh, no, look, no, look, I've

got to go. I'm really busy now. You just tell my stuff by, all right?

No, no, no, no, no, no, please.

Hey, look, I really can't stay.

Oh, please.

It's not always that I have such an exciting... Look, it's final week. You

know that.

I've got to spend my French.

Oh, really? Yeah. And training, too. The big game next week. Oh, please stay.

It's so sudden, but I have a chance to meet my husband's young man.

Please, have a cup of tea with me.

Please.

I hope you don't mind some hot tea.

I know here you drink mostly iced tea, but I think it's very nice when it's

hot. Yeah.

You know, it's such a treat for me. I'm glad you like it.

It's a great pleasure to meet you.

I always see your pictures in newspapers and, well, you're a big hero.

It doesn't mean much.

Why not?

I think it's very exciting.

To me, it's to meet the football star. He's getting me through school.

Let's put it that way.

Oh. And, you know, hopefully next year I get a big contract.

The Packers are going to draft me.

Oh, really? Yeah, they sent scouts. Last game.

Remember I scored three touchdowns?

Yes, I do indeed. Yes. They were there that day.

Well, tell me about what are you studying in school? Well, I'm having a

heck of a time with French.

Pronunciation. I just can't get it. You know, I'm from the Midwest.

Really? Oh, yeah, about 200 miles south of here. I have the hardest time with

the sounds.

You know, the nasal sound, the... I just have pronunciation.

I just can't do it.

Maybe I could coach you.

You French?

Yes, maybe.

Oh, no, I can't. Training.

I can't touch anything during the season.

I've got to keep up my strength.

Is there...

Anything you can do?

Oh, gee.

There are some things I do. I do pretty good, too.

Then, why don't we go inside and I'll help you with your French.

A little coaching might help.

I don't know what it is about French. I just cannot make those sounds. I should

have taken Spanish.

You know, anybody can come or stop, right? I just have a lot of trouble with

the pronunciation.

French. You know, the nasal sound. I just can't do it.

You know, when I first met my husband, he was in the army in Paris.

And he had the same trouble you have.

But I taught him, or rather, I showed him.

You see, French, it shouldn't be thought.

It has to be shown and felt.

It's a very physical thing. You make it sound very easy.

It's not difficult.

But it's not so easy.

One has to feel.

Well, maybe that's where my trouble's been.

I just couldn't feel it, I guess.

There is nothing that you could not learn.

A French lesson always...

starts this way.

Thank you.

Thank you.

If leaving is a bit like dying, long live the sea

and long live the boats.

Take my boat.

She's cute.

I don't even know why I did it.

She wasn't even that attractive.

You didn't have to go along with it. Oh, hell.

That woman is so damn persuasive, I couldn't get away.

I just couldn't get away.

Thought your life was like that.

You were so popular.

I figured you could have the choice of any girl on campus anytime you wanted

her.

The coach's wife.

Well, now you know.

Anybody still can't place you.

But there's something that's just so familiar about you.

That's only natural.

It's a small campus.

You must have come in contact with every girl on it at one time or another.

I had a friend, though.

She used to follow you wherever you went.

But she wasn't very attractive.

And so she didn't stand a chance with the great Roger Kane.

That didn't stop her from trying.

A date with Roger Kane.

You must be kidding.

Roger Cain wouldn't give me the time of day.

Exactly what do you think he can give you?

Barney, come on. He'll listen to you. You're his best friend. Please.

I'll do anything you say. Anything at all.

Please, I'll do anything. I'm desperate. Please.

Anything? Anything. Did she say anything?

That's what she said, Barney. But I don't know.

She... Such a mousy little thing.

Now, wait a minute. I didn't really mean that I wanted... You didn't mean what?

You want to date with Roger Cain, don't you?

More than anything.

Relax, honey.

No one's going to hurt you.

We just want to do what's fair.

We do something for you, so you can do something for us, right?

But really, I can't. Come on, relax.

It'll be all right.

You want him?

We want you.

I suppose so.

Please, really, I can't. No, please.

Please don't.

You want to date with Roger, don't you?

No, no, I couldn't.

I really couldn't. Relax.

Not so bad. Come on, please don't.

You promise you'll fix it up?

Of course.

I mean, I'm Roger's best buddy.

He always keeps a promise.

That's right.

You sure?

Very sure.

I wouldn't lie to you.

I know. I know that. I didn't say you were going to lie.

You sure you can do it, though? Of course.

Roger will never know anything about this.

I... I never did anything like this before.

You don't know what you're missing.

Please.

I really feel awful, Sally.

That doesn't feel bad, does it?

Please, John.

I really... You feel very good.

You're not gonna get Roger that way.

Just pretend it's Roger and open up.

That's a little better.

See? It ain't so worse.

Look, I don't understand.

If she wanted to date with me, why didn't she just speak to me about it?

She tried.

But you were always so busy.

She thought that Barney was her only chance.

Like I said, she was desperate.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

But not if you just touch one person, you're doing all right.

Oh, oh.

Oh,

please, Roger.

Oh, please, Roger.

Barney Miller, our real prince.

Yeah.

You know, I've only known that girl was so desperate.

How could you?

You were the one person she couldn't tell.

Yeah, Barney Miller.

What used to get me in so much trouble?

I'll never forget this one night.

I'd been studying late at the library and...

I wouldn't have to work hard.

Hey, you're not there.

What are you doing tonight?

What'd you say, my water? Oh, yeah, give me a hot pastrami sandwich and a glass

of white wine.

Cutie. What do you feel?

Yaddle-deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-dum.

Rod, for Christ's sakes, where have you been, old buddy?

Hey, I've been looking all over for you. I've got a couple of hot numbers coming

over for a game of El Stripo Pocorino.

Listen, Raj, really, real hot numbers this time.

Listen, where have you been, boy?

Library, schmuck.

You ever hear of it?

L-I-B. I can spell like it. Hey, listen, now get your act together. They'll be

here in a few minutes. Hey, Porn, look, I've got a big exam tomorrow.

And I have no intention of playing El Stripo Pocorino with your bimbos.

You just count me out, right?

My girlfriend, she...

What's her name? What? What's her name? Her name is Sylvia.

Sylvia.

I need you, love.

I mean, she's seen you play, you know, she saw you play Penn last week and

scored those touchdowns. Thanks a lot. Sure. Sorry if I bothered you. No, it's

okay. Come on. See, everybody wants you, Rhoda Grant. Rog, you see, that's why I

need you tonight.

I mean, I told them you'd be there, Rog. They're crazy about you. I mean, first I

turned on the old Barney charm, you know what I mean, that little wiggle here.

And it meant nothing to them until I told them that Roger Kane was my

roommate and that he had personally asked me to ask them to come play. You

said what?

Come on, Rog. Be a buddy.

Don't let this happen to your old barn.

Please, Rog. Be a buddy. Look, I got to go tonight and cram at Coach Benson's

house. I'll tell you what you can do.

You go out and you find somebody.

Take them home and you tell them that it's Roger Cain. You talk to the girls,

okay? I mean, they'll believe you.

Look, I got to go, man. I'm leaving. Wait a minute.

See you later, man. You mean impersonate Roger Cain?

How can I get to impersonate Roger Cain?

Who could it be?

Impersonate Roger Crane? Are you out of your fucking mind? You don't give me any

fucking trouble. That's crazy.

You're crazy. You're out of your fucking mind. Listen to me. First of all, his

name is Kane.

If you're going to impersonate somebody, you've got to know their name, first of

all. Fred, do you want anybody to know about the gas you're selling for 25

cents a gallon?

Oh, come on. Fred, listen. I mean, I don't want to use that on you, but

listen. You're a friend, right? Haven't I done you a lot of favors?

I'm asking you to do me a favor.

You tell me favors, but you know what kind of stick life you get me into? I

promise. I'll take the weight.

Listen, Fred, just stick with old Bond for a little, uh, old stripper pocarino.

Hmm?

El stripper pocarino?

Sure, why not?

I mean, I've never played with a big football hero here.

I got, I got two tens.

King, I got two tens, I guess. I have three jacks. Three jacks is the winner.

Uh, I think that, uh... No, no,

no. Sherry, you're the loser.

have to take something off all right now we play the next game yeah how come you

guys don't have because you had the lowest hand sevens is lower than tens i

don't know i mean i feel funny doing this i've never been seen by a man oh i

really haven't would you say you you gotta wait you gotta wait a while i

never thought that i would be with roger in the same room

I finally get to meet Roger Cain and I have a pimple.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

It's my ass.

I've never been fucked in the ass before.

Yeah, I'm fucking you in your tight little asshole, bitch.

Was that sweet?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah,

I'm fucking you in the ass.

In the ass, in your butt.

Fuck me.

Fuck me.

I'm coming, I'm coming right up here.

Tighten the rest of them.

Yeah,

now!

How could you let him persuade you? You could have said no.

I suppose so, but... You know, Barney had this way of convincing you that you

were the integral cog in his wheel of schemes.

You kind of felt sorry for him.

I mean, he was so pathetic that...

It made you feel that if you turned him down, he'd just fall apart.

But he wouldn't have fallen apart at all.

What a salesman.

I suppose so.

Hey, you haven't told me anything about yourself.

Haven't I?

No.

There's really not very much to tell.

Oh, come on now. A beautiful girl like you?

Well, I bet you led quite an active campus life.

Things aren't always what they seem.

Besides, what does beautiful have to do with anything?

No one thought my friend was beautiful.

Just because she was a little plain and kept to herself.

He used to make fun of her.

You know, she used to lie awake at night and think about you.

She didn't want to burden you with her problems, though.

Oh, she only said something to me about it.

How could she?

You were the one person she couldn't tell.

But everybody else knew.

Oh, yeah. Barney Miller made certain that everybody else knew.

Everybody used to laugh at her behind her back and make fun of her.

They acted as if she didn't have any feelings.

So she just kept to herself.

How do you know all this about her?

She was my roommate.

She used to confide in me.

She used to tell me of a dream she had, over and over.

Everything in it happened very slowly.

The longer it took to happen, the longer it would be before it was over.

She was running through a field, and everything was just very, very slow.

Very slowly, so it would never end.

But it did end.

What?

Oh, yes, of course.

Everything ends.

Whatever happened to her?

She left school and never went back.

Why? Because the other kids made fun of her?

No, not exactly.

Something happened.

It was the night after the big game.

You mean the one against Penn?

The one against Penn.

It was a party, a sort of victory celebration.

Yeah, at the Sigma Chi house.

I was there.

You know that cool melody?

You know the little mousy one?

The wallflower, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's crazy. Look at her. You see

Raj? She's crazy about Raj.

And I told her, listen to this. Raj is so drunk.

Me and my old lady, we had her in the house one day. I promised her that if

she, you know, made it with us, that I'd set her up with Raj.

Melanie? Yeah. With Raj? Listen, he's very drunk tonight. Look at him. Look at

him.

Listen, we'll get Raj upstairs.

Then we'll take Melanie. We'll throw them together. You know, I'll tell her.

In the bedroom? Yeah.

Then later on.

You all come in and watch him, all right? Watch him fuck it? Yeah.

All right.

Let's get Roger in the bedroom. He's so fucking drunk. There's no way. You help

me out with it, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Roger. Roger!

Hey, Roger. Roger, Dodger.

Roger, come here. Come on, come on.

Roger. Roger.

Roger. We got something to show you here. A little surprise for you, Roger.

No, Roger.

A little victory celebration for the champ. Come on, Roger. A little victory

celebration for the champ, right? Absolutely. What is it? Come on, boy.

Come on.

Come on, boy. It's upstairs.

Come on.

Wait, Rog is so happy tonight.

Melanie should meet up.

It's in the car.

Barney approached her.

Come on, honey.

Hey, old Barney never forgets a promise.

Oh, but Barney, everybody's so drunk.

What do you care, sweetheart? Listen, better drunk than not at all, right?

Here's your chance.

Listen, old Barney's got it all set up for you. You know what I mean? Your

hero's waiting for you upstairs.

Roger Cain. Now, come on, baby.

That's right, I was upstairs.

But I had never been so drunk.

And suddenly the door opened.

Hey, Rog, old boy.

What are you doing up here all by yourself?

Nobody should be alone on a night like this.

Hey, just let old Barn take care of it.

Come on, honey, don't be bashful.

Here's your lover boy. He's waiting for you.

What do you say, Raj, old boy?

A real bargain at any price, eh?

Sound of tooth and limb?

Just waiting to smug you with her favors.

Hey, Barn.

Barn, please.

Not now. Please, not tonight.

I'm just too drunk. Nonsense, Raj, old boy. You let old Barn be the judge of

that. No, please.

Well, come on, honey.

Here's your lover boy.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

Please.

Some other time, maybe.

I just can't do it now.

I love you.

Thank you.

Ha ha ha!

I'm good in chemistry, you know.

I'd help you if you let me.

I heard through the grapevine in the

sorority that he likes to finger up his ass.

Listen, don't get all icicles now. I'll be back, okay?

You just stay and keep yourself warm somehow.

Oh.

Thank you.

I was so drunk I didn't know who it was.

I went to look for you the next day, but you had left school. I was sick.

I was drunk and I couldn't remember what you looked like.

No,

sir, the next day I quit school.

I quit school, football, everything.

It all just seemed so cruel and pointless.

I love you.

So much.

I'll never be able to feel that way about anybody else.

Somehow

now,

being here and looking at you, it

makes all those feelings just seem...

It's very far away.

I know.