Original subtitles

First aid kit, backup first aid kit, EpiPens...

Mom, they have a nurse at camp.

Who probably got her degree on TikTok. Ugh.

Portable carbon monoxide detector,

ventilated bee suit, bear horn-

Why don't you just shove him back in your uterus?

Ohoho, nice try mister. This is staying home.

It's just a pocket knife.

Yeah, well, tell that to all the kids whose pinkies

I've sent home in a ziploc.

Mom, I'm not some little camper. I'm a lifeguard.

Junior lifeguard.

Sorry.

Damn dude! These rare earth magnets

are no joke, look at this. Ugh, holy cra-

Magnets? Why do you need magnets?

Oh, we're going magnet fishing!

What? No. We're dropping Darren at camp,

saying goodbye, and leaving.

I promise Darren, I am not gonna hover.

He's a big boy now.

He knows to apply his waterproof lotion twice a day

and do a full-body tick check in the shower.

Mom. You seriously need to chill.

I'm first aid and CPR certified.

I passed the swim test.

I'm responsible for other kids now.

I know, sweetie.

You're my big independent lifeguard man and

I have complete trust in you.

Once we get to camp, you're on your own. I promise.

[clank] What the hell? - Oh heh.

I may have accidentally left an Air Tag in... all your shorts.

? Well, I used to work in a hot dog factory ?

? until them robots came along, ?

? and now there is no job for me, ?

? but I get three thousand bucks a month. ?

? Thanks to UBI. ?

? Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ?

? It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ?

? We're just Universal Basic Guys. ?

Woo, man, they really turned his place around.

Back when I went here man, place was like Lord of the Flies.

I mean I'm pretty sure a kid died in the lake every summer.

Mark, please stop.

I'm sorry, what?!

And you still sent him there?

That's why I sent him there.

Alright, relax, Tam, okay.

Sleepway camps are like frickin' Club Med these days, okay.

The worst thing that's gonna happen to the kid is

he has to fish a turd outta the pool.

Actually, I was thinking about signing up for the lake.

Uh. No way, Jos�.

I thought you said I'm old enough to make my own decisions.

Did you just hear Mark? That's where all the kids die!

Alright, Tam, not all the kids.

One kid blews his face off with a firework.

Love you, Dar-Dar.

Alright, love you too Mom.

Mark, say goodbye to your step-son

who we won't see for two months.

Alright, see ya, Dar.

Try not to drown, okay. I'll never hear the end of it.

Alright Hank, let's roll.

You can go too, Mom.

One more hug!

Okay now, go save some lives before your mom drowns

in her own tears! Haha!

Alright Hank, so we're gonna start with what we in the

magnet fishing community call the "underhand toss."

Now watch carefully.

Dammit. Ah! Clipped the... ah yeah, the boards.

Those are boards are uneven there. So that's fine, okay.

That's, uh, we call that a "dead drop."

Go right down off the pier.

So, uh, what kind of fish you catch with magnets?

Uh like uh, swordfish or-

Nah, Hank, we're not after fish, okay.

We're hunting for marine artifacts, 'k.

Underwater treasures,

like lost jewelry, priceless antiques-

Oh and then we, sell them, or-

Hank, come on dude.

Magnet fishing isn't about making money.

It's about posting the haul on Reddit for clout.

Alright. Look at that.

Not a bad first haul right there, not bad.

Whoa. Is that a nail?

It appears to be a nail, yes, but you see how there's like

the irregular shaft there?

Yeah that might be hand-forged. Possibly, uh, a Civil War era.

Whoa, you think it was Abraham Lincoln's?

Alright so now, the most important part:

We're gonna take a pic and post

it on a magnet fishing Subreddit.

[click]

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa, party's arrived! Oh!

JD? What... What are you doing here?

Uh, bro, I'm a legend at this place, literally.

There's a campfire story where I eat campers' faces.

Not flattering, but, uh, also... never debunked.

You really think I'm gonna miss a summer chillin' at the lake

with my dude?

Ugh, actually, I promised my mom I'd work the pool.

Bro, seriously? The lake is where it's "at."

I know, it's just... you know how she is.

Nah dude, that's "her" problem.

You gotta man up and make your own decisions.

I hear you, but I dunno.

Those lake lifeguards are big as hell.

They're not gonna take me seriously.

So? Nobody here knows who you are.

That's the magic of camp. You get to rebrand.

Control the narrative. I mean look at me.

I've gone from demonic forest ghoul to chill S'more Lord.

Just a dude who's down to slam some bug juice

and vibe out. Oh yeah, oh that's good.

True. And nobody knows me here.

You know what? Yeah. i'm a mature, certified,

bad-ass lifeguard. Ready for duty.

There you go! Alright, bud.

Um, I'm gonna go check out the dumpster sitch.

Oh and if anyone asks, i'm a CIT with a gland disorder.

Alright. Yeah. Ha ha.

Ah hell yeah dude. We got some comments.

Ugh. Common nail, bro. Stop spamming junk.

What the hell dude? This dude DredgeLord420

is trolling all my posts.

Oh hell yeah. Cream of Mushroom!

Oh come on, another soup can?

But Mark we almost have the entire 2012 Chunky lineup.

We're one Sirloin Burger away from the whole set!

Nah, dude. That rust salad ain't gonna move the needle

on the Subreddit, okay.

DredgeLord's hauling up JFK's frickin' cufflinks

while we're collecting trash.

We need to go deeper.

Okay, I said goodbye. Let's go.

You sure you don't wanna hang around a bit? Ya' know, in case

ya know, Darren has an allergic reaction or something?

No no. He has EpiPens. He'll be fine.

I need to let Darren have his independence.

Ugh. Fine.

Alright, one last throw. Hail Mary. For all the marbles.

Ooh!

Uh. Were those your keys?

Ah, crap.

Sup?

You looking for your counselor, bud?

Pff. Nah, bruh.

I'm here for Junior Lake Life Guard training,

Not that I need it.

Please tell me you are not this

year's crop of junior lifeguards.

Line up!

I am Head Lifeguard Chase Waters.

Behind me is Lake Piney.

She is beautiful. She is majestic.

And if you take your eyes off her,

she'll start swallowing campers like

she's a fat cop in a donut shop.

If you are here to "chillax" or "hookup" or

get a "sick tan," you are in the wrong place!

You are here for one reason and one reason only.

To "Guard Lives."

Understood?

Yessir!

You got lifeguarding experience?

Yes, sir.

Last summer I worked at the Glantontown Community Pool.

Doing what?

Well technically... I worked the snack bar.

But sometimes if one of the guards went to the bathroom,

they'd let me watch the baby pool, sir.

You think watching a toddler splash around

in a puddle of its own pee pee

qualifies you to guard an open lake?

Statistically speaking, babies have a higher rate

of pool fatality as they can drown

in three inches of water!

Also they're dumb as hell, sir.

Hm.

Good answer.

Babies are dumb.

Wait... what the hell? Why's Darren at the lake?

He said he was working the pool!

Honestly, a little adversity might be good for him, okay.

That camp made me to man I am today.

Now there's a ringing endorsement.

Ugh. It's fine. It's fine.

This camp is not sketchy anymore.

It's completely safe.

Hey Mark. Check it out. I found your keys.

Ha ha, hell yeah.

And also this.

Yo ho hooooo...

- Oh my God.

I don't understand why you're so upset.

This is frickin' awesome.

Mark, guns don't end up in lakes by accident.

Someone dumped it. This is evidence of a crime.

Listen Tam, DredgeLord is frickin' lobbying the mods

trying to get me banned because my posts are weak, okay?

I need this. - C'mon, Mark, this is serious.

Yeah well, so is online bullying, okay.

Some might argue it's actually a

bigger problem than gun violence.

I'm taking it to the police.

Alright, let me just- ugh-- take a couple of pics with it,

and then you can do whatever the hell you want.

Ugh. [splash] Dammit.

Oh my God, Mark!

Oooh... I can't leave Darren alone knowing

he's swimming in a lake with murder weapons.

I gotta go down there.

Uh... if Darren catches you sneaking around camp,

he's gonna file for emancipation.

Hmm.

This here is the South Bank, Strictly off-limits.

Every summer, some genius thinks he's Dom Tomato

and splits his skull on those rocks.

Uh... what's in that lifeguard shed?

That's the big boy's shed.

You prove to me you can handle the lake,

maybe I'll show you what's inside.

What's going on here?

Oh no.

G'day, mate! Just treating a wasp nest.

Nasty buggahs. Oh!

Shouldn't you be doing that at night?

Roight, well, these are actually... nocturnal...

Tasmanian... uh devil hornets.

Invasive species. Very dangerous to, uh, children.

Alright. I'll make sure to keep campers away.

Thanks mate! Safety first!

Hoo!

Oh my!

Beyond that is the bog.

Campers aren't allowed anywhere near it.

Dark things have happened there I wouldn't wish

on my worst enemies...

Watch out!

Good eye.

Brooo!/The hell?/Oh my God!

Snapping turtles. Beaks like bolt cutters.

That's so messed up.

You wanna know what's messed up?

Pulling this screaming kid out the water with a foot dangling,

looking like a chewed up chicken wing.

You've got one job: keep campers safe.

That means doing whatever it takes.

Well, well. Looks like we got a straggler.

Who wants it?

Nobody? Really.

And I thought I was training lifeguards.

Not babysitting a bunch of kids. [spits]

I'll do it.

Finally.

Someone who understands what real responsibility looks like.

Good man.

Just doing my job.

Oo Mark! I got it!

Yo, you found a gun?!

Sirloin Burger! I got all the soups!

Ugh, damn it. Dude, look at this.

Freakin' DredgeLord posted it an hour ago and

it's already the top post of the day.

We need that frickin' gun.

Ugh. Man, the gun must be stuck down there or somethin'...

Think we're gonna need a bigger magnet.

Hey! Harry Potter! I catch you with a soda on the

blob one more time and you'll be

scraping gum off the dock until Labor Day!

[child screams]

Damn snappers!

Ow owowow! Get it off! Owowow!

Medical, this is Waters.

Got another chicken wing headed your way.

This is what happens when you go soft.

You see a threat, you eliminate it.

No questions, no feelings.

Hoagies knows.

Darren's in charge 'till I get back.

Yes sir!

[loud whistle] Hey Tadpole!

If you can't keep your inner tube inside the ropes

I'm gonna pull out "your" inner tubes through your butt

and turn them into... pool noodles!

Oh... Okay...

Psst! D-Train. Over here.

You wanna ditch and go tubing?

Negative. I'm on duty.

A lifeguard never leaves his post.

Alright. Uh, how about later tonight?

Nah. Early morning training.

Chase says if I nail the advanced rescue drills,

I could be a head junior guard.

Ugh. Yeah, yeah. Chase this, Chase that.

Why are you so desperate to impress Adolf Hasselhoff?

Oh, because he's the first person to actually treat me

like an adult?

Hoogies! Why am I seeing unwatched water?!

Oh uh... I thought I saw something in the bushes.

Dude, you gotta bounce.

Here.

Whoa. That's a... a big knife.

Congrats Bar Mitzvah boy. You're a man now.

You see anything threatening, don't be afraid to use this.

Terrible things lurk in these woods...

Yes, sir.

Alright, Let's head on up

to Popsicle Pavilion before they run outta the Spongebobs.

Appreciate it, dude. Have a good one.

Alright, Hank. No more messing around.

Say hello to the Bruteboss, Kracken-Class Hellraiser.

Oil rigs use these to pull steel girders

off trapped divers.

Oh wow.

Alright, here we go.

Oh hell yeah, dude! Who's the Dredge Lord now baby?!

Okay, rear escape drill.

Sometimes drowning swimmers will try to drown you.

So Cooper, you're the guard, and Liv,

you're the panicked swimmer. Let's go!

- Ow! Yo, chill. - Oh! Sorry!

You know what's chill? The morgue.

Never apologize for doing what's necessary.

[whistle] Hoagies.

Show 'em how it's done.

Nate. Let's see if those pythons can squeeze.

- Yessir. - Try me bro.

Do you even lift? Ah!

Oh no. What the hell kind of sick hazing is this?

Ugh. He's fine. He'll be fine. He's trained. He's a big boy.

Hoogies! You're the lifeguard, not the victim.

Chin down, grab his arms and drag his ass under!

Why isn't he escaping? Do the move, Darren come on!

Hoagies! Stop drowning and start thinking!

I can't-

Darren!

Get off my baby! Ugh!

Hey!

Wait. What the hell!? Mom!?

That's your Mom?

Good thing Mommy came to save you!

I didn't... She's crazy, okay. I didn't even know she was here.

Well thank God I was.

Are you trying to train lifeguards or drown them?

Listen ma'am, our job is to keep this lake safe.

Oh hoho, well you're doing a pretty lousy job.

You know what my husband just found in here? A gun!

Oh wow. You found an old gun over

on the public side of the camp? You're crazy, lady.

Oh, I'm crazy? Did I just hallucinate the

bullet casings near the lake guard shed?

Ma'am, this camp has an unsavory history.

But there's been zero fatalities since I've been here

and there's a reason for that.

Protecting the lake's about trust.

But if you can't trust your own son,

maybe I can't either.

Now get off my beach.

Sorry, Darren. I...

Get out of here! You promised you were leaving!

I don't want to see your face.

You ruined my summer! You ruined my life!

Ugh... next summer he's workin' at Panera.

So what now, Hoagies?

Gonna call it quits? Hang up the whistle?

You know what?

Nah.

My mom was the last thing getting between me and the lake.

I had to cut her loose. And I don't regret it.

Because I never apologize for doing what's necessary.

Hm. Good man.

Got a job tonight. Big boy job.

Meet me in the shed by South Bank.

After dark. Come alone.

Ugh, the hell is wrong with me? He's never going to talk

to me again. - Hey, don't beat yourself up.

Just move to Florida and start a new life.

[struggling]

No big deal. Minor technical difficulty.

Just gotta... peel this thing...

Agh! Damnit.

Alright, you know what, we're gonna have to

fight fire with fire.

Gotta use the force of this magnet to loosen the- [slam]

Uh-oh.

? [eerie] ?

Uh...

Okay...

Mark, can we please wrap this up?

I need to get out of here.

Alright one sec, Tam.

I got Reddit gold between these mags.

? [phone] ? Darren?

Mom. You were right about Chase. - What's goin' on? Are you okay?

[muffled voice] I- I gotta go.

? [suspense] ?

[muffled] Oh hi, Dar!

JD?

Uhh, you sure about this, Mark?

Are you kidding me?

This beast right here has a towing capacity

of 17,000 pounds, 'k.

You do the math.

Yoohohoho! Let's go-

Oh- Oh God. Whoaaaaa- Whoa- Mark!

Ohh! Ohh!!! Oof- [splash]

Crap.

Ah! Thanks, Dar.

So, uh, yeah, I don't think your boy bought the whole

"CIT with the gland disorder" thing.

Yeah, he's... intense.

Intense?

Dude tied me up like a Christmas ham.

Well well well. Speak of the me.

I wouldn't get so close, Hoagies.

If you think snapping turtles are bad,

you should see what the Jersey Devil does to campers.

Argh.

Did I do that?

Summer of '92. South Bank Bog.

Oh snap, you're Bog Kid!

Dude, you were a Squirmy Wormy.

Flailed like a fish. Hahaha.

Wait, that actually happened?

I mean, you know, the story got jazzy over the years, but yeah.

I ate a few faces. But only the bad kids!

You know, bullies, vandals, kids who weren't kind

and didn't rewind.

Haha. The devil judging morality. That's rich.

Hey, we can all grow. I'm reformed now.

I'm all about berries, trash, and realistic sex dolls...

Oh and the occasional roadkill splurge.

You understand what needs to happen here?

No. I'm not doing that.

And neither are you. That's my friend.

Grow up. This isn't "How to Train Your Dragon."

The real world is rated R.

Yeah well, it doesn't mean you have to commit murder.

I'm eliminating a threat...

One I've been thinking about for a long time-

[Clang!] - Mom?

Sorry. Did I do it again?

It's fine Hank, 'k.

I got the amphibious waterproof trim.

We're just gonna eventually drift back to the shore.

What the hell?

Oh hey, Mom. Didn't know you were sleeping back there.

Well I was until my feet started getting soaked.

Okay, that's not good.

You were right about this place.

About Chase, about everything.

Yeah, well I guess sometimes it pays to be a bit crazy.

Hey, uh, campers are reporting a vehicle into lake near

East Dock. Dodge Chode SUV.

Possible drowning in progress.

That's Mark! Oh my God.

You gotta get down there!

Me? But I'm not a real lifeguard.

I still need my mom to save me.

That's not true, Dar!

You called me when you needed help.

You made the adult decision.

That's all I needed to see.

Uh, yo guys? This is really sweet and all,

but I think time is of the essence here.

We got people actively drowning.

Oh, right. Go, Darren! Go!

? [action] ?

Help! Help!

Hey! Oh, thanks!

Ugh. Thanks Muscles!

- I got you, Mark. - Pfft! I'm fine, Darren, okay.

You're talking to Captain Cannonballs over here.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

I got water in the lungs! Oh gah-

Oh, we're gonna die, we're gonna die, we're gonna die.

Mark! You gotta chill. Stop freeing out.

I can't breathe! Oh, God.

[gargling]

[cough, cough]

Air support has arrived!

Hell yeah.

Oh man, Mark, oh you gotta loose some weight.

So, lemme tell ya. I definitely died for a little there.

Had the whole uh, life-flashing- before-my-eyes thing.

It's a real thing yo, I was actually cracking up.

I'm pretty hysterical,

so looking back of my life, it's pretty funny.

Don't you have magnets to play with?

Funny you should say that.

Looks like my newest commercial - grade magnet has arrived.

Ha-ha, there we go Artie, that's what I'm talking about, dude!

So, if you wanna stick it out at the lake, you've earned that.

But, if you want to come home, that's totally cool.

It's your decision.

I'm gonna stay at camp.

But maybe I'll switch to the pool.

I think I'd rather have a more chill summer.

Ugh, thank the Lord.

Listen man,

you could have eaten my face back there,

but instead you saved your friend.

If a devil can change, so can I.

I appreciate that, dawg. You're noggin' okay?

No. No, it isn't.

I have no peripheral vision. And I'm going to have to file a

restraining order on that crazy mom.

Ya know, we could use someone like you working the lake.

Any interest in being a lake lifeguard?

Oh hell yeah, bro.

Fantastic. You could swim right?

No sir.

So, are you satisfied with your little magnet fishing trip?

Oh yeah. I got the most epic hall of all time.

Let me tell you, Dredgelord's gonna delete his frickin'

account when he sees this post.

- Your post has been removed for

violating the spirit of magnet fishing.

Oh, come on!

Oh Mark, check it out.

Wait. The top post of all time?!

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