Original subtitles

[♪ opening theme song playing]

[narrator] Behind Kiriyama's family home and liquor store is a container house.

This is Kiri's room.

Wha...?

YAPPI

I'm Hitotose, your guardian ninja.

I'll greet you with a wrestling move.

[Hirai] The hell is up with this dude? He's nuts.

The fact that he has your face makes it even worse!

[Murai] Oh, there are choices.

[Hirai] It's "Go away," obviously.

[Murai] Really? I think "I'll attack first" is the right choice.

[Hirai] I wouldn't like such a hostile woman.

[Murai] Okay, I'll go with "Go away" for now.

-[button clicks] -[video game sound beeps]

[Hitotose] Fine. Once I send you to the underworld, I will go away.

[Murai] He got mad.

Wait, wait, wait, why the hell is he pissed off?

He's the one who picked a fight!

Now I'm sure "I'll attack first" was the right choice.

I'm outta the bath!

Huh?

You're playing that already? Let me see! Why's this dude so angry?

It's Hirai's fault.

I did nothing wrong.

GO AWAY - IF YOU DO IT GENTLY, SURE. LOL ATTACK FIRST

[Kiriyama] It's gotta be "If you do it gently, sure."

[Murai] What's your reasoning?

Reasoning? I mean... It's the only one that makes sense.

The player is a girl, right?

"Go away" is mean, and "I'll attack first" is what a gorilla would do.

That makes sense.

-Okay, I'll try that one. -[button clicks]

[Hitotose] Seriously, you've got no gusto at all.

Such a boring woman. How disappointing.

-[Kiriyama] What the hell? -[Hirai laughs]

Wait, this makes no sense.

That leaves only the gorilla option. How can that be?

[Hirai] Don't ask me.

I was right after all.

-"I'll attack first." is the right choice. -[button clicks]

[Hitotose grunts] You're pretty good.

That was a beautiful Mongolian Chop.

So beautiful I want you to be my girl.

[Kiriyama and Hirai] What the hell is a Mongolian Chop?!

What's the matter?

Okay, let me get this straight.

Why is this dude so happy about picking a fight

with a woman he's never met before, being attacked first and getting hurt?

[Hirai] I mean, who is this protagonist woman in the first place?

A TIME TRAVELER...

-She's an ordinary office worker. -[Hirai] Bullshit!

No way an ordinary office worker could bust out a Mongolian Chop on a dime!

And again, what the hell is a Mongolian Chop?

MONGOLIAN CHOP

-[Kiriyama] Check it out! -[Hirai laughs hysterically]

No, wait. There's no way. It's a frontal attack! Dodge it, man!

Oh, he's calling her "Kitty" now.

[Kiriyama, laughing] He should call her "Gorilla"!

There are more choices.

[Kiriyama] Lemme see, lemme see.

[Murai] He said he was wounded protecting her from an enemy.

[Hitotose] No big deal. I'm fine. It's all part of the job.

This has to be the "treat injury" option. That's got a nice feminine touch, right?

[Murai] If it were me, I'd say "I will avenge you."

Are you that attached to this dude?

[Hirai] I say you just spit on it.

I mean, he's still feeling that Mongolian Chop from earlier.

Look, he's covering his shoulder.

[Murai] Okay, I'll go with "treat injury" for now.

-[button clicks] -[video game sound beeps]

[Hitotose] As a pro in this field,

I can treat it faster and better by myself.

[Hirai] What a jerk!

[Murai] Okay, then I'll go with "It'll get better if you spit on it."

-[button clicks] -[video game sound beeps]

[Hitotose] That would never work.

[Kiriyama] Wow, he's capable of being logical too?

[video game sounds beep]

[Murai] So it's "I will avenge you" like I thought.

[Hitotose] Kitty, that head...

You got revenge just for me? That makes me so happy.

-[Murai] See? -[Hirai] Why skip the good part?

It's just absurd that she had no qualms taking revenge.

This girl definitely has no need for a guard!

Well, she got her revenge. What can you do?

I'm sure there are girls like her out there.

[both] There ain't!

Why are you guys getting so upset?

Let me throw the question back at you.

How are you able to stay so calm while you play this game?

Well... I never want to look like a fool next to the person Tanaka-sensei loves.

[Murai] And he might be a fictional character,

but he's still my rival.

I want to confront him in all seriousness

and learn something from him.

[Hirai and Kiriyama] From this?

I can't lose to him.

[sighs] I've always had a weak spot for those eyes of yours.

[Murai] Kiri.

Same here. It was my plan all along to play with you till the sun comes up.

[Murai] Hirai.

[narrator] Thus, their bond of friendship was renewed

thanks to the otome game,

and the three men started to work together to conquer Hitotose.

[Hitotose] You prefer the takenoko? We have different values, Kitty.

[Hirai] Okay, can I punch this dude now?

[narrator] Hirai prefers the takenoko.

Meanwhile, Tanaka was...

-Let's eat! -[dishes shatter]

[Tanaka] What is this?

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HITOTOSE SO I DECIDED TO DRAW HIM

[Tanaka] What?!

What in the world is going on?

The famous manga artist yu-katan suddenly decided to draw Hitotose?

I'm having trouble processing this.

I mean, her fave is Kenshin Uesugi. So why?

This is the first time I've seen her draw someone other than Kenshin Uesugi.

[narrator] Kenshin Uesugi from the otome video game Sengoku Koi Emaki.

[Tanaka] What in the world could have brought Hitotose into the spotlight

over all the other characters?

What was it that led to the creation of this divine picture?

How is this happening? Is this some kind of reward?

I'm so confused that I'm projecting myself into this mysterious beetle.

[narrator] A haiku from Tanaka.

[Tanaka] O great like button

Why is it that I cannot Hit it more than once?

If I was allowed only one action in response,

I would bow down at Mach speed!

Whoever you are, you have my eternal thanks

for bringing up the subject of Hitotose to yu-katan!

Off to work!

-[groans] -[indistinct chatter]

[Hirai] Morning.

Good morning.

GRIN

What?

Well, you know that otome game we played?

I was thinking it's kind of cute that Tetsuko is getting so much joy playing it.

[Murai] You're just realizing that now?

You like that gap between her looks and her personality, huh?

Let me tell you something.

I liked her long before I discovered the gap.

Oh, yeah?

Hard to tell. You never let your emotions show.

I show them when I need to.

You two are a perfect couple

in the lack-of-facial-muscles department! [laughs]

[Hirai] Oh, look, Murai, it's Tetsuko.

[Murai] Sensei!

[narrator] Tanaka is in invincible mode after seeing yu-katan's Hitotose.

[Tanaka] Oh, was the sky always this blue?

Was the greenery always this beautiful?

The earth is wonderful.

[vocalizes]

Clap, clap.

[birds chirping]

The birds are chirping

as if in response to my clapping.

I didn't know the world was filled with so much kindness.

I must adopt this kindness too.

[Murai] Tanaka-sensei. Good morning.

Good morning!

[both gasp]

CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP

[Tanaka] Shut up.

Good morning, Murai. See you in class.

Damn, I'm screwed.

In front of a student of all people.

No, in front of Murai, who's all geared up for battle!

I let him see me with my head in the clouds!

You've gotta stay cool, Tanaka!

RACEWALKING

-[Tanaka grunting] -[Hirai] Hey, what was that now?

Tetsuko was smiling!

What's going on, Murai?

She actually has facial muscles? What?!

[Hirai exclaims incredulously]

[narrator] Racewalking?

Hey, are you listening? Mura--

[Hirai] Aww!

[exclaims] You have facial muscles, too?!

Wait, are you blushing? You are blushing! You're beet red!

[camera shutter clicking]

That was me showing my emotions because I needed to.

-This is the gap I was talking about! -Hmm?

[Hirai, over phone] Murai in Love!

[Hitotose] Kitty, your hairpin flew away because of how hard we were training.

Here. I got it for you.

-[button clicks] -[video game sound beeps]

There, back where it belongs. Your hairpin is so full of life.

[button clicks]

IT'S FRESH-CAUGHT

[Hitotose laughs]

And you are the freshest woman in all of Japan.

So good!

[narrator] It's summer break.

At Takebe Gakuen,

students with poor grades are taking supplementary classes.

Except for him.

[Tanaka] You can leave today as soon as you finish

the assignments I just handed out.

You may now begin.

This guy... He actually came.

The guy with the highest grades in the college prep course

came to school during summer break for extra classes he doesn't even need.

And he's sitting at the very front of the class,

so I am forced to not wear glasses.

-[chair legs scrape] -[footsteps approaching]

Huh?

I'm done.

[Tanaka] He's already done!

So go home!

Murai, you can go home now.

[Murai] No, I still have something to do.

Really? Okay.

[narrator] Ten minutes later.

-[student] I'm done. -Okay.

[narrator] Twenty minutes later.

-I'm done. -Okay.

[Tanaka] Wait, he's not even doing anything!

He's not doing anything except looking at me, probably.

Or he's pretending not to but is actually staring at me!

He finished the assignment in the blink of an eye just to do this?

Man, you're hilarious.

[gunfire]

RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT RAT-A-TAT-A-TAT

[Tanaka] Hang on. Is he looking down on me?

Come on, Tanaka.

You've gotta teach him a lesson here. Show him what you've got.

Show him the terror of a desperate soldier in distress.

[commander] Everyone, charge!

ROAR STOMP STOMP STOMP

-This is where you die! -[soldiers yelling]

STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP

[gasps]

Let your victory cries be heard! This is Tanaka's win!

THANKS TO MY IMPAIRED EYESIGHT

[Tanaka] He's leaving!

This is the historic comeback victory!

I did it, Hitotose!

Well done. You did it.

[Tanaka] Thank you! I love you!

-[student] I'm the last one. -Good work.

Yes! I'm done! I'm finally done!

I was dying to go home!

[Tanaka] Time to get the hell out of here!

What?

[narrator] Acting on instinct.

[Murai] Thank you for your hard work.

Sensei, I have plans tomorrow, so I won't be here.

Okay, sure.

Why is he still here? Huh? Why?

I won't be here either, so I'll tell the substitute teacher.

Hey! Wait, what...?

Papimo?

It's hot today, so I brought you a refreshment.

Did you go out to buy this?

[Murai] Sorry, it's a little melted.

I really wanted to snap it apart with you.

Thank you.

[♪ upbeat synth music playing]

[gasps softly]

Your glasses are so full of life.

-[Tanaka] Shut up! They're fresh-caught! -You're wide open!

Is this a miracle?

They're... fresh...

[Tanaka] What am I saying?

What if he responds with that same line?

I'm really going to drop dea--

And, Sensei, you are the freshest woman in...

[grunts softly]

[Murai] No, never mind. Excuse me.

It's not me that Sensei is looking at.

[♪ somber instrumental music playing]

[child crying]

SASUKE NO.2 VOLUME 1

[girl] Hey, kid. A real man would've taken this back himself.

What're you crying for? Pathetic.

Is it important enough to you to cry about?

It's just a comic book.

Is it that good?

What, you're ignoring me?

Come on, let me see that.

[narrator] It's summer break.

On this day, the ultimate event where otaku gather is being held.

Murai!

[Murai grunts]

You have so much stuff...

This? It's not that much.

[Murai] So, what did you want me to help with?

[Hitomi] Once you change into proper event attire,

we'll have you join our vendor booth.

Can you go change into this? I'll make rough adjustments later.

THE GOODS

[distorted] You better wear this.

[Murai] What?

This is...

[Tanaka] It's been a while since I've gone to one of these events.

I'm glad to be alive!

[narrator] Tanaka, disguised in a wig to avoid bumping into acquaintances.

[Tanaka] I mean, I think I was born for this day.

Dad, Mom, thank you.

[narrator] Disguise glasses.

[Tanaka] I'm not going home until I get every single publication

they have at this convention that's related to Hitotose!

[woman, over PA] The doors will open shortly. Are you all ready?

[Tanaka] Yes, I'm ready!

[both gasping in disbelief]

[narrator] Hitomi, cosplaying as Bontenmaru, Masamune Date.

This is Hitotose's costume, isn't it?

This is the event attire you were talking about?

[narrator] Murai, cosplaying as Hitotose.

That's right, Murai! It was totally worth making!

I'm not even a fan of Hitotose, but it's amazing to see you in it!

KENSHIN ART

What exactly am I supposed to do in this costume?

You'll be the cashier for my sister's Kenshin Uesugi illustrations.

And shake hands with people who come to adore you.

Shake hands?

By the way, how long do I have to wear this?

It's so embarrassing. I'd prefer to take it off.

[distorted] You said you'd help us, didn't you?

Are you the kind of man who doesn't keep his word?

[Murai] So unreasonable.

[woman, over PA] The doors are now open. Everyone, please enjoy!

-[Tanaka exclaims] -[woman 1] Oh my god!

[woman 2] The real Hitotose is at yu-katan's booth.

-[woman 3] For real? -[woman 1] That place with lots of people.

[Tanaka] What'd she just say?

[woman 1] It's not just a good costume, it's the real him!

[woman 3] Seriously? We have to go!

[Tanaka] No way! I gotta shake hands with him!

But wait. I know Murai, the highest quality example.

I won't be so easily impressed.

Whoa! Wow! Damn! It's really Hitotose--

That's Murai.

[♪ sinister music playing]

Why?

Look at this fresh heart! It's the best I've seen this year!

[Tanaka] Why is he cosplaying Hitotose here?

Apprentice, bring me the tuna knife!

Here you are, Master!

[Tanaka] What the hell is he doing?

What's going on?

[Murai] Sensei.

[Tanaka] It just doesn't make sense.

I think I'm going to have a psychotic break.

Run, Tanaka.

I need to get away from here right now.

Excuse me. Let me through.

[Tanaka] Or they're going to make sushi of my heart!

Please shake hands with me!

[Yuuka and Hitomi] That's backwards.

You want to shake hands with me?

[Tanaka] Don't mess with me, kid.

You knew everything, didn't you?

What?

I bet you had a ball making fun of me, huh?

WHAM

[Murai, groaning] No!

Wait...

A... A real Mongolian Chop?!

[♪ closing theme song playing]

NEXT TIME EPISODE 3

Translated by Kanako Murakoshi