Original subtitles

You try and try, but at some point you finally have to admit, as much as you

care about each other, your relationship isn't working and hasn't been for some

time.

But you two wouldn't be sitting here with me if you didn't want to save this

relationship.

Isn't that true?

Well, I'm willing to try. I can't speak for... You don't have to speak for me,

Niall.

I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself.

Yes, I know.

Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of his own voice.

What does that mean?

Well, you tell me, Enrico. What do you think it means?

Yes, I can tell you what it means.

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

Now, are we agreed that we want to do something to fix this problem?

It's fixable, I suppose.

Why doesn't one of you tell me how this started?

Well, it began with me.

It was last week. I was at work doing my radio show.

It was on the air with a troubled young woman.

She just started telling me about a recurring dream she'd had since

childhood.

Okay, I'm in my bedroom.

I've just gotten out of the bathtub to get dressed.

When I open the closet, all my clothes are gone.

Suddenly... I hear the sound of footsteps on the dry leaves outside. I

turn, and there's a little girl with her nose pressed up against the window.

Fascinating. But her breath is fogging up the glass so that I can't make out

her face.

Only, I'm sure she's come to tell me something important.

So, a girl on the other side of the glass with an urgent message.

But for some reason, you're unable or unwilling to receive it.

I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, I hate to interrupt, but you're all out of time

for today.

Oh, dear.

Listen, Jill, I'm terribly sorry, but listen, I'd like to continue talking

with you when we're off the air, so please don't hang up.

Meantime, listeners, I've enjoyed our time today.

Tune in again tomorrow when we'll be talking with... Blah, blah, Frasier

Crane show, happy health, goodbye.

Yo, Jill, you a football fan?

Not really. Then beat it.

Sometimes I hate this job.

Not only do I have to put up with that annoying little sweat sock, but when a

caller comes in and has a truly fascinating problem, I'm barely able to

scratch the surface. It makes me want to run screaming back to private practice.

I can imagine how frustrated you must be. This show's got to be constraining

for a man of your staggering intellect.

Hold it. Stop. Wait a minute.

You expect us to believe that Roz actually used a phrase like staggering

intellect?

It was something like that.

So she might have said, your boundless brilliance, say, or the Olympian reaches

of your wisdom.

Oh, Niles, do shut up. Oh, you shut up. No. You should shut up. It's time you

shut up. I think it's time you shut up. You shut up. Shut up.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Gentlemen,

it's not important exactly what was said.

No. What is important is that, as usual, he assumes it all revolves around him.

when the truth is it started several days before that with me.

I'd been having some trouble with a psychiatrist in the office next door.

His unconventional therapy had started to intrude upon my sessions.

Mrs. Kelly, the key here is that you trust me.

As long as you're in this office, you have no reason to feel anything but

safe.

You must think of this as your refuge, your sanctuary.

I'm not saying that being the sole survivor of a plane crash wasn't a

traumatizing experience.

But I can get you to a point where the memories no longer haunt you.

His primal scream madness was ruining my practice. I had to do something. The

opportunity presented itself that Friday.

I'd come to Fraser's for dinner.

I remember Daphne, my father's health care worker, was telling the most

delightful story.

Oh, I know what you're going through dealing with a noisy neighbor.

Have I ever mentioned that couple that lived next door to me in London? A

married couple who made the most ungodly racket in bed.

The walls must have been like tissue paper because I'd hear the whole

performance every night.

Finally, I decided the only way to get them to stop was to let them hear what

I'd been hearing.

So one night, I moved near the wall, and I started... Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Oh. Oh. Oh, don't stop.

Oh. Oh, that's the spot.

Oh, do it again.

Oh, you are the beast, master.

Oh, for hell's sake, just take me, you devil spawned sex monkey. Yes, yes, yes,

yes, yes.

Problem solved.

I'm sorry, Daphne, I drifted. Would you tell that story again?

Hold it! Stop!

Now, as you know full well that Daphne merely told us that story. She did not

act it out.

Didn't she?

No! Just tell the story.

Fine.

It was a few hours later.

We were having espresso, and perhaps to counteract the stimulant effect, Fraser

was telling us about his day.

You know, I can't stop thinking about my last caller today.

Fascinating young woman.

And a recurring dream.

You know who's a hell of a dreamer?

Eddie.

There's one night I wake up, he's lying on my forehead, dead asleep, with a big

clump of my hair in his mouth, growling.

Bet you'd love to analyze that little brain of his.

Yes, that would be the jewel in the crown of my career.

Still, thinking about this woman is...

Started me longing for private practice.

I guess I just missed the chance to dig deep with my patients.

Have you considered seeing patients on the side? Oh, yes, of course. But I've

got a list of people that have expressed interest.

Frazier, I have a proposition.

I mentioned that doctor in the office next door.

Well, his lease is up.

If you were interested in his office as his landlord, I could tell him and his

screaming meemees to hit the road.

And I. Mm-hmm.

Working side by side. Mm-hmm.

I don't mind telling you, the prospect sounds quite exciting.

We could consult on each other's patients.

We could give seminars together. Even therapy groups. Oh, my God.

Crane and crane. I can see our logo already. A giant crane hovering above a

human head.

Why are you laughing? Why is Dad laughing?

You too. You'll never learn.

Oh, oh, you think this is a bad idea. The restaurant you bought together, that

was a bad idea.

The book you tried to write together, that was a bad idea.

This.

No, that restaurant was still the stupidest.

Two little misadventures, and you do must have failed. Oh, baloney. You've

been like this since you were kids. You two can't work together.

Maybe Dad's right.

We're not ready for this. It could lead to conflict and tension.

Hold it!

Niles, tell the truth.

Oh, all right.

Stop raining on our parade, Dad.

To Crane and Crane.

Well, our first day together began innocently enough.

Good morning, Dr. Crane. And to you, Dr. Crane.

Oh, Niles, watch it. so formal there's nobody around.

It's a high five, Niles.

Oh, oh, oh, sorry.

Oh, right.

Uh, coffee? Oh, yes, please.

Thank you. Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that.

The smell of the office place.

Freshly oiled leather couches.

The pungent coffee.

The aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below.

Actually, that's the lab next door. They lost power last night and some of their

tissue samples turned.

By the way, I've put together some recent articles you may want to peruse

just to get up to speed.

Up to speed?

Well, it has been a while since you've practiced and we could all use a little

brushing up.

That's very considerate of you.

Just to put my homework assignment in my box there. As you wish.

All

right.

Where shall we put this, then?

Well, the only place it should go, actually, is right here by the couch, I

think. No, no, Daphne, here, on the desk, we'll pick up the earth tones in

the carpet. You know, there is this dead space here by the coffee station. Oh.

Underneath the heating vent. Why not just give it a blindfold and a

cigarette?

Here's your office. I mean, put it where you like. No, no, no, it is your plant.

And it's my bleeding back, so I'm putting it right here.

Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him.

Liar! Liar!

Daphne never said that.

Well, she said it with body language.

I happen to be fluent in that language, and she said nothing of the kind.

Someone tell me what's so important about this plant. You'll know soon

enough. I'm telling the rest of the story.

I'm putting it right here.

You know, the best thing about getting old, your hair may turn grey, your

joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane, but people still ask

you to help them move.

Forgive me for overburdening you, Dad. Could you just put those in my office,

please?

Oh, look at your two names together on the door.

But, Dr. Crane, is your brother's name smaller than yours?

Yes, that's the only way it would fit. I assumed you wouldn't mind. After all,

we're concerned here with healing people, aren't we?

Of course, Niles.

If I were interested in self-promotion, I...

Guess I'd be content with my radio show heard every day by over half a million

listeners The Pacific Northwest and parts of Canada

What are you doing? I'm moving the shuffle era. I liked it where it was.

Yes, but it didn't like it there It wants light you don't enter your plant.

I'll go fetch the file cabinet

I have had this plant for two years. It's never been in direct sunlight.

Well, obviously, look at it. The leaves are puckering. They're wilted a little

from the ride over in the trunk of the car. Oh, nonsense.

Mafia snitches emerge from car trunks looking more robust.

This plant is going right over... And so it begins.

Of course, the incident with the plant was only the beginning.

That was followed by a run-in at the receptionist's desk, a row at the coffee

machine. and a contretemps when Frasier lost the men's room key. That was an

accident. Yes, it very nearly was.

I am so tired of your exaggeration. You always make things 50,000 times worse

than they are.

Look, I'm going to tell the story from now on.

The point is, my nerves were, well, pretty much shot by the time we

conducted our first therapy group together.

First off...

I have a colleague to introduce. He's not only an esteemed psychiatrist, he

happens to be my brother, Dr. Frazier Crane.

Afternoon, everyone.

Wow,

you're Dr.

Crane from the radio.

Guilty as charged.

Yes, but we all have to remind Dr. Crane that this is real psychiatry now, not

the radio. No hanging up on the hard ones here.

But rest assured, I am trained to deal with a full range of issues.

Everything from envy to jealousy.

But, uh, I'll just be observing today. I don't know you well enough to render any

opinions yet, so just pretend I'm not here. And good luck with that.

Mrs. Kalish, perhaps you could bring us up to date on how you're dealing with

your divorce. This is week two, isn't it?

Yes.

Well... I actually...

Had my first date last night.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Did you say something?

I don't think so.

It sounded like, hmm, like you disapproved.

Well, since you asked.

I think in divorce we have painful feelings, which are nevertheless healthy

feelings. If we start to date too quickly, I want to be sure that that's

not a... Panacea for the pain. Ooh.

Yes, you'll all find my brother is quite deft with those peppy little bromides.

Panacea for the pain.

You can almost hear the phrase, we'll be right back after these words from

Pringles.

You don't want to wait too long before you date, though, either.

I waited five years.

By then I was so desperate, I stayed with the first woman who came along.

She ended up being the same controlling ice princess as my first wife.

Hmm.

Well, Mr. Carr, there are many... Hold on, Dr. Crane. It sounded like your

brother said something again.

Well, since you've asked.

It occurred to me that by waiting for five years and becoming, as you said,

desperate, that perhaps you were really giving yourself license to pursue a

woman who reminded you of your first wife.

You had to repeat the pattern.

Then you're saying it wasn't an accident?

We have an expression in psychiatry.

There are no accidents.

And now let's check in with news and traffic.

Dr. Crane, are you denying that most accidents happen for a reason? No, Dr.

Crane. I believe they do.

I'm reminded of a recent accident involving a four-inch wooden block

attached to a men's room key which walked off in somebody's pocket.

Obviously an act of hostility, wouldn't you say?

Certainly a well-deserved when considering what an insufferable prig

someone has been today.

You dare call me a prig after I rescued you from that sideshow you call a radio

program? One more crack about my show and I'll put that little wooden block in

a place you'll always be able to find it.

Brooke, take five minutes of quiet introspection.

I have made a fist, and I'm thinking of using it.

You are not scaring me. The thumb goes on the outside, Niles, on the outside.

How dare you try to steal my group? I don't need your group. I got a group of

my own, half a million strong.

Oh, yes, you're legions. Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint,

and call it Fraserstock?

You know, I'm just a little tired of your condescending attitude. You have

not missed one single opportunity to run down my show or grab a book off the

shelf to help me get up to speed.

My God, you're such a brilliant healer, you've even taken over the care of my

shifflera. Well, you were starving enough sunlight.

All right, fine, let's just give the little deer all the sunlight it needs.

I said to you, you have no insight whatsoever.

You have no feeling in your heart. You don't care about any person.

Is that my group?

Group? Group, come back, group.

I'm very proud of this show of independence.

I hope you're happy. If I were doctor, you'd never know it. Stop saying that. I

will not stop saying it. Just stop saying it.

Dr. Crane. Dr.

Crane. Hello, Dr. Schachter.

What's going on? I'm having a discussion with my brother.

I can hear your discussion across the hall of my office. Well, you see, he

waltzed in here like the bell of the ball. Oh, bell of the ball. I've seen

you dance all the... Whoa, now look. You two are obviously in some distress.

As you know, I am a specialist in couples therapy.

Never treated brothers before, but still, you can step into my office.

I'm sure I can help you.

Hold it, hold it. I never said I'm sure I can help you.

I said, I may be able to help you.

See how he twists your words?

It's right here, buddy boy.

Enough! You are doctors.

I've never seen anything like this in my life.

You think he's trying to steal your patients, and you think he's trying to

undermine you as a psychiatrist.

But you must know what is at the root of this problem.

He is.

No.

You have a fundamental lack of trust.

It may be so deeply rooted by now that it's impossible to change, but there are

certain exercises that we could try, provided you two are willing.

Well, yes, well, maybe. Let's start with the most basic trust

exercise there is. Now, one of you simply stands on this footstool

and falls backwards.

into your brother's waiting arms, thus demonstrating that we can trust each

other. Dr. Crane, why don't you go first?

Well, all right. Just get up there and let yourself go. All right.

Is he standing directly behind me?

Yes. Now trust your brother.

I'd feel better if he were wearing rubber soles. Oh, for God's sake, now,

just get down. I'll go first, all right?

Is he in position?

Yes.

Trust him.

You should know he catches like a girl.

I don't believe this. Get down, will you?

Couldn't be easier. I get up here, I count to three, and you catch me. One,

two, three.

Why didn't you catch him? You were closer. It was your turn. It was my

turn. That is it.

That is it.

In 30 years, as a couple's therapist, I've never said what I'm about to say.

Give up.

Miss Hopeless, you are pathologically mistrustful of each other.

Competitive to the point of madness.

So trust me, just meet each other at weddings and funerals and the

rest of the time, stay the hell away from each other.

Now, I am going to limp to the nearest pub and drink.

until the recipe is as numb as my ass.

Well, it's quite a diagnosis.

Yes.

But there's no denying it.

We are vindictive and competitive.

Patty.

Mistrustful. And as so often in these cases, it took someone outside our

situation to point it out to us.

Well, Dad always said it, but he has no credentials.

Well, there's no arguing with Dr.

Schachter's credentials.

My God, the man is an expert in his field.

Graduated from the University of... Grenada.

Surely that was just his undergraduate schooling. Oh, yes, of course. His

graduate work was done in... Aruba.

An all-Caribbean schooling.

Well, tolly me banana.

Something me banana.

I knew the man was a fraud the minute he opened his mouth. Oh, I'll have him out

of his lease at the end of the week. Oh, Niles, we've still got time to catch a

late lunch. Oh, oh, oh, Paris is just around the corner. Oh, here we go.

Oh, Chez Chez is just as close. Yes, but the food at Paris is much better. Oh,

no. Compared to Chez Chez, it's slop for pigs. Oh, have you lost your mind? Oh,

shut up. Oh, shut up.

Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.

Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.

Mercy. And maybe I seem a bit confused. Well, maybe.

But I got you pegged.

But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs They're

calling again