Original subtitles

This just in: Halloween in Springfield is no more.

We take you now to a press conference live from city hall.

I repeat, this Hallows' Eve,

there will be a strict eight o'clock curfew.

The sale of alcohol, toilet paper and candy corn is prohibited

and trick-or-treating will be severely rationed

and limited to the safe confines of town hall.

Mr. Mayor, why are you taking such extreme actions?

Because every Halloween, the people of this town turn into complete lunatics.

The candy-crazed kids, the pumpkin-exploding teens,

the drunken, non-sexy adults wearing sexy costumes.

Springfield does not deserve Halloween.

From now on, all you get is...

This is it. The end of our childhood.

Marge, I'm going to Moe's.

Nuh-uh-uh, remember, Moe's can't serve alcohol tonight,

and that's fine.

Halloween has been too fun for too long, right, liver?

Thanks for being such a good sport tonight.

You know, we are invited

to the Van Houtens' nonalcoholic booze cruise, huh?

Ooh, that doesn't sound craptastic at all.

Hello, coworker? I have to come in?

There's a nuclear melt what?

Sorry, Marge. That was a real call.

I have to go to work.

Aw.

Well, I'll give the Van Houtens your regards.

Please don't.

Hello! I came alone, like the text said.

What's up, player? You here for the spook-easy?

Weren't you at least a little scared?

This getup cost a fortune.

Greetings, fellow revelers.

Nice costume. Beaker from The Muppets, right?

No, there was an accident at the lab.

Beaker, nice.

So where the hell is this secret party?

Yeah!

Leapin' Liza, what a party!

You know how many sexy ketchup bottles I made out with?

Three.

Come on, drunkos, get in the car.

No, no, we are far too "inglayvinated" to drive.

Meet my latest invention, Glayv-mo.

Good evening, drunkos.

- Ooh. - Wow.

Hey, while the car is self-driving,

why don't we do a little self-drinking, eh?

- Yes! - Oh, yeah.

Easy there. Your primitive cork removal method is bound to...

Glayv! It happened already.

Manual mode selected.

Hoyvin.

- Oh, crap, crap, crap. - Great Caesar's ghost.

- Tom of Finland. - Good glayvin.

We just killed a guy.

We have to call the cops.

No cops. We take this to our graves.

What, are you crazy? We have to call the police.

Think about how this looks.

We're super drunk, we're soaked in booze, and technically, we were all driving.

But there's a dead body in the road.

What if there wasn't?

Oh, you don't mean...

Look, this guy's life is over.

There's no reason ours should be too.

Now come on. Help me pick up this...

What the hell is this costume, a robot priest?

Oh, this feels wrong.

I believe it was Kenny Loggins who once said,

"Karma sharpens its blades on the bones of our sins."

Shut up and heave corpse!

One, two, three.

Oh, I hurled him.

Done and done.

No guilt whatsoever.

Come on, kids.

We've gotta get to the Halloween store before the only costumes left are meta.

It just sucks that the town is doing "Lame-o-ween" again.

Dad, can we pick you up a costume?

I'm afraid no costume can disguise my shame.

- Sounds good. - Later, dude.

Love you, Dad.

The Jump Scare Channel now returns

to the revenge slasher classic, A Killer Knocks Loudly.

Who is it?

If it's about Jesus, I may be interested.

Remember what I said last year right before we dumped that body?

"Karma sharpens its blades..."

"...on the bones of our sins."

Oh, dear, we never should have dumped that body.

Hoyvik! Ever since that night, I, hoyvik, developed a tic.

Whenever I'm stressed, hoyvik, I break out in a series of slightly annoying...

We get it.

My life has fallen apart too.

Geoffrey broke up with me. He took our Lhasa Apsos.

And one dark, lonely night, I found myself buying an XBOX.

Unlike you blubbering betas, I've never been better.

I got a raise, a certified pre-owned Porsche,

and I have a new lady in my life.

Don't you get it? Karma is coming for us.

Oh, these don't mean anything.

There is no such thing as karma.

Grab your baton, big dog. Show the maestro your skills.

Nice. Bitching arpeggio.

Drop the ictus, arc it dolce, arc it.

Mmm?

No, no, not you.

It couldn't be you.

Your moves are "wack-issimo."

Game over.

Springfield is a symphony of diverse voices,

and we just lost our conductor.

But fret not, for Dewey Largo's legacy will live on forever

in the music of his students.

I heard the killer carved up Largo like a fat Greek lamb.

Who could have done something like this?

Well, what if it's the man we left for dead?

That dead guy is probably mad we killed him.

We have to call the cops.

No cops. I'm not throwing away my sweet-ass life for you cowards.

Besides, if some freak wants to come after me, I'll be ready.

And if you two pants-wetters even think of snitching, I'll be ready.

I think it's safe to say that he's, hoyvik, lost his mind.

What kind of psycho strangles another person?

Do you think it's possible that he's the one that killed Largo?

If Chalmers really did kill Largo,

there's bound to be some small, teeny, tiny scrap of evidence.

Found it.

These are obvious signs of a disturbed man with the flies and the moldy Chinese food

and the creepy mannequin that's clearly been kissed.

Ew!

Huh?

He's back. Hide.

Silly me, got all the way down the block

before I realized I didn't get my goodbye kiss.

Wait. Wait.

Wait a minute.

Where the hell's my year-old Chinese food?

I know you're in here.

Hope you enjoyed the noodles, because they will be your last.

Lo mein!

You have three seconds to get out of that closet before I fill it with lead.

One,

two...

Get ready to die.

Hoyvik. Hoyvik. Hoyvik.

Hoyvik. Hoyvik. Hoyvik!

Hoyvik! Hoyvik!

Hoyvik!

That hurts.

Marge! Marge! Oh, thank God.

We have to get out of here.

Marge?

This was in the mail.

Honey, I can explain.

Something terrible happened last Halloween.

I killed someone.

What? But I thought I--

Shush! I need to unburden myself.

It happened one year ago tonight.

I left the kids at "Safe-o-ween" and went to the Van Houtens' boat party,

which was a little livelier than I was expecting.

Mmm.

We're getting a little far out, aren't we?

Well, you're a little far out yourself.

Does anyone here know how to boat a ship?

Hello!

Oh, fine.

Look at me. I'm Miami Vice.

Hmm. Sounds like we're stuck. I better give it some gas.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Body! There's a body in the water.

He's dead. We have to call the cops.

No cops. We take this to our graves.

Think! We're on a boat full of contraband

on an illegal cruise with a captain that I OD'd.

I can't go to jail.

You know what they do in that exercise yard?

Exercise!

Yarr, then it's agreed.

We get rid of the body, then make a pact to never speak of this night again.

Before I knew it, we were back on land,

and life just went back to normal.

But every day since,

I've been haunted by what we did to that poor robot priest.

Robot priest?

That night, me and some fellows killed a guy in the exact same costume.

Do you know what that means?

We killed the same guy, but he's not really dead and he's back for revenge!

He's already killed everyone in my pact.

Mine too. Look.

Aw, Disco Man.

We gotta get the kids and go somewhere safe, but where?

Somewhere safe, somewhere safe.

What's going on here?

Homer, look, other people have the same note.

They weren't in my pact.

Mine either.

All of my friends are dead.

Tina Ballerina, blue-haired lawyer,

the man who says yes in a humorous fashion.

We're getting slaughtered

and you're not doing a damn thing about it.

- Yeah! - Yeah, come on, you fat--

Order. Order. Order.

I really should stop using this thing as a gavel.

Now, we just received doorbell camera footage with a clear visual of the killer.

Mamma mia!

That's a spicy me-ball.

Why, that's the costumed yutz my sponsor and I drunk-drove over last Halloween!

- Huh? - I did the same thing.

Huh. Okay, uh, show of hands,

who here thought they killed this guy last Halloween?

You all killed someone last Halloween night?

But I thought there was a curfew.

Ha-ha! You weren't cool enough to accidentally kill a guy.

All right, don't worry, citizens,

this twisted maniac, who I-I also kind of killed,

is being hunted by every cop in town.

You're in the safest place you could possibly be.

It's the Cyborg Reaper.

The Electro-Pope.

The Android Jesuit.

Uh, the hell are you supposed to be anyway?

Seriously? It's so obvious.

I'm Daft Monk.

You know, a monk plus the French electronica duo Daft Punk.

It's a very clever pun.

No one cares about that. Who are you?

And why are you killing everyone?

Who am I?

I am the man you left for dead.

I am the shame you tried to bury. I am the one you pretended never existed.

I am Apu!

- Apu? - That's right.

You thought you could just get rid of me?

That I'd disappear?

That there wouldn't be consequences for the horrible thing you did?

Uh, what did we do again?

It was exactly one year ago.

I was enjoying the craziest night of my life.

But little did I know, it was about to get crazier.

After the party,

I walked for miles through Springfield's dark and scary streets.

Oh, stupid Safe-o-ween.

We'd have never done something this dangerous if they hadn't told us not to.

Aim for that dumpster where the horny raccoons hump.

This is gonna be so awesome, man.

Oh, watch out!

Look out, dude!

Holy crap! We just killed a guy. We gotta call the cops.

No cops! We take this to our graves.

Let's get out of here.

Halloween mischief. Well, no harm, no foul.

Holy crap! We just killed a guy.

- We gotta call the cops. - No cops!

We take this to our graves.

Agreed?

Secret pact. Oh, yeah.

I couldn't believe what happened.

I was the "hit" half of a hit-and-run.

Bruised and battered, I set off looking for help.

Well, well, well.

Illegal contraband, breaking curfew, spooking a cop with your scary costume.

You're going away for a long time.

Ah! Real zombie!

Holy crap, Chief. You just killed a guy.

- We gotta call the cops. - No cops!

We take this to our graves.

Stretching the very limits of credulity,

I was left for dead yet again.

But not for the last time.

No one called an ambulance.

No one checked my wallet.

No one even looked under my very cool helmet to see who I was.

I drifted for hours,

assured that I had left this cruel world and entered into Nirvana,

where I heard the most beautiful, angelic voice.

Hi, floating body.

Hi, Doctor Nick?

Twist the bunny ears, pull together, bullet hole is gone forever!

What is this place?

It's the Island of Forgotten Garbage.

All the junk Springfield gets rid of winds up here.

- Like you. - Hmm?

How long have you been stranded here?

Oh, I've been on the island for eight seasons.

Winter, spring, summer, fall.

Another winter, another spring.

I need to get back home. I'm a beloved member of the community.

You're still stupid from the surgery.

If you wound up here, it's for a reason.

Right, Leon?

Shh.

I needed to get off that kooky island and back to Springfield.

So, as soon as I healed, I got to work.

What I thought was going to be a long and arduous journey

only took 30 minutes.

It would've been so easy to bring me back.

I immediately ran home to my family.

But they were gone.

My house, completely empty.

Then I went to the Kwik-E-Mart and was shocked to find it abandoned.

As I wandered aimlessly through town,

no one even noticed me.

It was as if I was invisible.

That was when I vowed to take my revenge on Springfield.

Apu, we're so sorry we left you for dead.

Believe me, we wanted to do the right thing, but, but, but--

We were so scared and just didn't know what to do.

If it's any consolation, we had so many internal conversations about it.

Uh, they kind of just didn't go anywhere.

Enough! It is time for your reckoning.

I am dousing this stage with Kwik-E-Mart kerosene.

And I've sealed the doors with Kwik-E-Mart door chains.

Karma has come to collect.

And all of you will pay, for Karma sharpens its blades.

"On the bones of our sins."

That's where it's from.

Apu said it to me when I got my tongue stuck in the hot dog rollers.

Apu, wait.

Yes, we all played a part in this,

but we don't all have to die.

Just kill me.

You, Homer Simpson,

would sacrifice yourself to save everyone else?

I would expect that from Mr. Flanders but not you.

Daddy?

I'm just doing what the old Apu would've done.

The guy who love this town and everyone in it.

You were on our bowling teams, our barbershop quartets,

our dead rock cover bands.

And we took you for granted.

I took you for granted.

You can hack me to bits if you want.

Just give me the lighter first.

Hot lighter!

Whoopsie.

Help! Help!

- Oh, no! - This is on you, bro.

Bye, honey. We are going trick-or-treating.

Uh, which one of you has a peanut allergy again?

Apu, my man. What's shaking?

Homer, I just had the most disturbing nightmare.

Everyone in town killed me and tried to cover it up.

And then I took my bloody revenge and blamed it on Karma.

Which one's Karma? The one with the peanut allergy?

It seemed so real. The whole town forgot about me.

Come on. That could never happen.

Springfield loves you.

And after all we've been through, I know I could never forget about you.

Oh, crap. That reminds me.

I forgot to invite you to our Halloween party.

Uh, it's BYOB, so these are on you. You gotta come.

I have to work.

Come on, Apu. It wouldn't be the same without you.

What the hey! I'll do it.

A Halloween party sounds kind of fun.

Plus, I feel like I haven't seen everyone in ages.

Oh, but I wish I had a costume.

Who cares? I don't have a costume either, and it's my party.

- You are a terrible host. - I sure am, Apu.

I sure am.

Shh.