Original subtitles

I can't believe Roman's private animal control company shut down precinct 17.

I'm really gonna miss their annual crab boil. Same. Martha always bought the

best weed. Roman took over 17 just to shut it down. If he's going in numerical

order, we're... almost next.

Oh, don't sully your worldview. That's my job.

And here's the purple nightmare now.

Start packing your personal items. I don't think you're tall enough to ride

that ride.

Want to hear the song of the summer? Not really. No. Car, play my radio jingle.

Playing jingle. If you want animals in and out of your life, call Pax Romana

from 9 to 5. And after hours.

Awful. Pretty catchy.

I mean, at least the officers seem to be taking it well.

Oh, great, they released the animals.

Card 46, it's Noah's Ark.

That's what I taught myself this weekend.

You just gave a rabbit pink eye meds and now you're fondling community fruit. Oh,

come on. Let him glow, Frank.

Ever since his family left town, his battery's recharged. He's like the

second half of one of those allergy medicine commercials.

I'm in hell. I've been here a while. I'll show you around.

This little non-kosher nightmare won't sleep in the kennel, so I was

babysitting it all night. All right, pipe down, pinkies up. It's tea time.

Oh, that's a cool brooch. What is that, a beaver? This lapel insignia was given

to all the precinct supervisors as a gift from our commandant. It represents

our state animal, the Olympic marmot.

Of course, you would know nothing about the Olympics.

Boom, direct hit. Phil! Did you just cosign his burn? Yes.

Because we are at war with Roman. So Templeton and I have forged a coalition

of unpleasant necessity.

What? Believe me, I'm doing this reluctantly, but somehow Roman is

beating us to every single call. So we gotta get faster, sharper, speed up our

response time.

You almost lost your nose. Valid point, Officer Shaw.

Okay, would you all stop gasping every time Frank and I agree?

If it makes you feel better, this is a marriage of convenience.

I still find him detestable. But let's stay focused and talk tech. I've invited

the city's sharpest, least offensive-smelling IT guy to come

upgrade our system so Pax Romana will no longer have the upper hand. Wait, it's

not Alex, is it? Every time I make eye contact with him during his small talk

he asks me out, I can't keep pretending that I have bone cancer.

It's Alex, and I need you, Frank, in my office to discuss next steps.

You don't have next steps, do you?

I do not.

Here's what we do.

We lock the doors, we order a pizza, and we stay in all night till we have a

plan. I have a plan. Okay, I still won't order pizza because I'm in the mood now.

Listen, Roman got a bunch of hedge fund money, like WeWork 10 years ago or Coca

-Cola in the 1890s. He's been hiring people like crazy.

You're saying we need to raise some money, and you're thinking a bikini car

wash. Genius.

Now all we have to do is convince our female officers to get soapy and naked.

Obviously, I'd outsource the women.

I actually think we should send in a plant to interview at Roman's company.

Someone sharp and handsome who once punched a heavy bag so hard it split.

Okay, I'll do it. Dumbest idea ever. He knows you hate him.

You know who'd be great undercover?

Daisy. But she's on a mission today impersonating me at a dentist

appointment. I have no follow-up questions. We need to find someone pure.

Trustworthy. Yeah.

A total dork-ass. A total dork-ass.

Oh, aloha, my friends. Just jamming on a puzzle here.

She's the one.

If you want animals in and out of your life, call Pax Romana from 9 to 5. And

after hours.

Nice, dude.

I've never heard your voice before. You can really sing.

Well, you know, I was in a band in middle school.

You know, I still got my drums at the office. I mean, if you ever wanted a

jam, we should... I would love that. Yeah, me too. You know, this loose dog

call is right by my apartment. We could stop there, pick up my guitar.

Huh? Not that today is the day to be messing around.

No, but, you know, we do have to break for lunch at some point.

We do have to break for lunch?

Is this a thousand-piece puzzle of Waikiki?

Please, Frank, I don't get out of bed for anything under 3K.

It's awesome.

I am having a little trouble filling my days. A lot of puzzles, a lot of chats

with cashiers. Well, your thrill ride continues.

We need you for an animal control mission. Um, yeah, I could take a break

anyways, but I'm missing a piece in this one section. It's driving me crazy. Oh,

focus up. Are you in or are you out?

In or out of what? I thought I was banned from the precinct. You're not

going in the office. This is an undercover mission. Like when we took

down that exotic animal ring. My mom just gave me her wedding dress if you

need that for the character.

You'll be playing yourself.

Oh, myself.

As? You. We need you to interview at Pax Romana and find out how Roman is

scooping our calls.

He'll buy it because you're out for blood for getting suspended for boinking

shred on the office couch.

Hell hath no fury like a woman temporarily suspended from her city

service job.

You in?

Right there.

You think you're obsessed with me? Watch this sad sack.

Hey. I'll get to yours in a sec. This guy's got a lot of sesame seeds in his

keyboard.

It's Victoria.

Of course.

It's nice to see ya.

So we applied for a job at Pax Romana under the name Tabitha Buttons. But I go

by Tabs, a nickname given to me by my nephew.

No! Again, the fake name is just to get you in the door.

After that, you're Emily Price, disgraced older woman looking for

revenge. Okay, right. Uh, right, right, right. It's just, um, yeah, lying as me

feels different than disappearing into a persona.

But, um, maybe if I spell Emily with two M's on the sign-in sheet... Why don't we

practice? Um...

I'm Roman Park. I wish to be a real boy.

Why would you turn your back on your lowly animal control precinct? Well, I

wouldn't call us lowly because we have a wonderful new event.

Wrong answer.

Oh. I understand you are suspended for being a sexual predator. True or very

true. Okay. Yeah. You know, maybe I should not do this. You're not going to

be alone in there. We're going to hear the whole thing through a wire. She

sweats, so we need to double bag the mic.

Wait, wait, wait. I'm wearing a wire?

No, no, no. I can't do this. I mean, Sue Bale, Sue Bale could do this. Or Bast

and Tony, he's wicked smart.

But Emily Price, no, I can't, I cannot, I cannot.

She's deeply unwell, Frank. What do we do?

I think it's pretty obvious.

Toby, has my 1115 arrived yet? And is she hot? Oh, she's smoking hot.

I'm Tabitha Buttons.

Grumpus, it's hard for me to buy that you want to work for me. Working for the

city wears on a man.

And since this regime change, what little joy I had in my life has been

extinguished. And I would like for you to be my new little joy.

I don't know. I mean, Templeton can't be that bad.

He's the worst boss I've ever had.

Forced weigh-ins. Extensive paperwork for every break. Toby!

Mint Milanos!

Now!

I hate the man.

If there was some sort of worldwide loser competition, he would lose it. And

on his way to accept his consolation prize, his pants would fall down. That's

how much of a loser this guy is.

He's just saying stuff, Temple. I know, shut up. And I'm not just saying stuff.

The man is a flavorless wad of gum.

Okay, fine. I'll go out with you.

What? You've asked me out like several times.

So I just, I wanted to come over here and make your day. And say, fine.

Sounds fun.

It's just I'm so busy right now with work.

You got a little something on your hair?

Oh.

I'm sorry? It's slop.

I'm gonna... I'm a realist.

Tech bro with a chip on his shoulder from being bullied as a teen always wins

in the end.

Toby, you hear that?

He called me brilliant.

Frank called me brilliant again.

You're brilliant.

That level of tush kissing is exactly what I'm looking for.

But for me to even think about hiring you, you need to pass my loyalty test.

Toby, my kid.

Five, six, seven, eight.

I'm over the piss. I've got to find a farm or something to take it. We are in

the middle of band practice.

Are we in a band?

Yeah, I think so. I mean, if it feels right.

Feels really right, man.

Right.

Wow, what a special moment.

I'm really happy for you, dopes, but I'm going to need you to watch the pigs so I

can take a shower so I can feel like a normal woman again.

And, oh, take my scrunchie. It calms it down because it smells like me. And

don't let it eat it. Actually, it's okay. It'll be fine.

So this loyalty test.

Look, I'll eat anything you want, but I'll have thoughts if there's a wine

pairing. I have something else in mind.

An extra large straight razor.

Okay, maybe we should step in. I mean, this is getting intense. Stand down.

It's in God's hands now.

If you're truly committed to Pax Romana, you'll let me shave you.

Okay, Frank loves that beard. He'll never go for that.

Fine. Let's unveil the full face.

Just get ready for the lady stampede. Oh, I don't want your beard, Frank.

What I'm about to smooth out is a bit more tender.

Your armpit.

Take your shirt off.

Okay.

This is freaky even for you. Nips out, Shaw.

Oh, unless of course you're wearing a wire. A wire?

Why would I be wearing a wire?

And you said my wire up the pants idea was stupid.

You may not believe this, but this is the first time I have shaved another

man's armpit.

And I find it hard to believe how, with no dispatch, you always get to animal

calls before we do. Ah, that.

I planted a bug in your truck so I hear all the calls.

Toby, screen.

Yeah, see?

All right, done.

You passed the loyalty test.

All right, welcome to the Tech Rev- Oh, gosh, Wi-Fi is spotty again. Sorry, one

second about that.

Toby!

I like Orphan Hawk. I'm not mad at Daylight Dingo. And again, I really like

The Mulberries. But that's not very punk rock.

Yes, but are we punk rock? I'm punk rock.

Really? Because there's nothing punk rock about... Wow.

Wow. Okay, Slash and Axel, where's the pig?

Hmm?

The pig?

Um... You're kidding.

He lives... I should have just taken it in the shower!

Well, I haven't found a bug, but I keep finding these corn nuts in the seats.

Those are lug nuts. I'm eating around those. Okay, Roman's tech is next level,

so whatever device he might have planted, it might be so small that we

missed it. Well, let's check again, and not just by looking.

We need to finger every crevice.

I heard that.

What's up, bros?

Crazy camel had escaped from a petting zoo just two blocks away from your

precinct. Good thing I was here, because it looks like you guys have some car

trouble.

Wait, there was never a bug? Except for the one in your pants.

It is a delight watching you two halfwits trying to work together.

Oh, and kitten?

Yes? Good luck finishing Waikiki without this.

Is that my lifeguard head?

Did you break into my home, you maniac? I can't hear you. I'm driving away.

If only you could chase me.

Tabitha Buns will be posting on Glassdoor about this.

Here, Piggy.

Piggy.

Pig. What was the pig's name again?

I didn't give it one because it was supposed to be gone by now.

Pig.

Oh, no, no.

No, here.

Just like you. Hi.

Hey, you just lifted a 500-pound vending machine. That was mom strength.

This pig has changed you, like, on a molecular level. What? No, it has... I'm

an animal control officer. I look for animals. It's what I do.

Oh, there you are. Look what I found in the parking lot. Oh, thank God. Thank

God. Okay.

Okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Don't you ever do that again.

I was worried sick.

So this whole thing was just a homoerotic smokescreen. I mowed my

armpit for nothing. Going undercover was your idea. I wanted to do a car wash.

You know what? I am done with this whole coalition of unpleasant necessity.

Fine. Leave me holding the bag.

Roma takes over animal control. The precinct goes down on my watch. That's

my legacy.

Oh, my God. That's my... That's my legacy.

Well, what about me?

I already got drummed out of the real police.

What's the next stop on this downbound train?

Campus cop, mall security, mature modeling. Sure, I got the jaw for it,

but could I even pass for over 40?

All I ever wanted was to be a boss.

Lowered my powers over others.

Lose that drab uniform, flex my office casual looks.

is someone crying yeah i think it's templeton what the heck is going on in

here Are you guys crying? No, he's crying. I'm pretending not to listen.

Okay, hey, hey, hey. You need to snap out of it. Okay, you're the boss. You

don't cry in front of the other officers, okay? You go across the

street, you order a matcha, and then you cry in the ladies' room like a big boy.

And then you come back in here confident you have all the answers because they

need to know that you got this. I agree. This is disgusting.

And you, you're supposed to be bucking him up. I mean, this is the worst

alliance I've ever seen.

I mean, look at, hi, look at them.

They are scared that they're going to lose their jobs.

being strong together so just get it together oh my god is that a new couch

yeah yours on the roof figured it's seen enough action

you want to have a band meeting

tonight i think we have to things are getting weird i can't tonight because me

and emily are going antiquing you're going to pick a girlfriend over the band

well this band has existed for about four hours so i'm not sure why you're

being so intense about this

Four hours is a very long time. When you only have seven weeks of freedom.

Also, it feels like my buddy isn't there for me. Okay, buddy, I want to be there

for you. I really do. But if I'm being honest, we shouldn't have a band. It's

not because I don't like you. It's just that we sound really, really bad, man.

You know, but by all means, you should play with some of your other friends.

I don't have any other friends.

That's why I took up juggling, because I don't have anybody to play catch with.

God, that's a haunting image. The house is empty, bro. I'm lonely.

Almost as if I didn't realize how quiet the house would be without four

screaming kids.

All right, can I have everyone's attention, please?

All right, I know things seem a little bleak right now, but we have something

that Roman does not. We have the best damn officers in Seattle!

Vox Romana is not indomitable.

Even the real Roman Empire fell. Fell so far that Italian accents are the only

ones we are still allowed to make fun of. I gotta get the meatball to the

coliseum. Okay, you also might have heard some stuff in there.

You were crying.

But rest assured, I got this.

We got this.

Frank hit it out of the park today. He's my real MVP.

Thanks, Chief. The coalition is stronger than ever. So as a gesture, he gets to

wear my leadership pin.

Till the end of the day.

Why is it so heavy?

What?

The bug.

It's in the pin.

That's how Roman's been listening to us. Think about it. I need to destroy that

pin. Wait.

Not yet.

Dispatch to all available trucks. We have reports of a rabid dog loose at

1515 Alonzo Boulevard.

Game time.

Right around the corner.

Please be advised, the animal is dangerous.

Proceed with caution.

Truck 12 on it.

Go get him, Frank.

This could make up for all the calls we lost today.

All right, all right, all right.

Let's go in, heavy boys.

Fire up the mini birds. Everyone on thermal vision.

We're here at the Veterans Administration long-term care where

residents are recovering from the shock of seeing their beloved therapy dog

Schwarzkopf netted before their eyes.

Those eyes which have already seen so much.

Roman Park, owner of a private animal control company responsible for the

attack, had this to say.

I feel terrible, Tracy.

I know it came with a lot of firepower, and that smoke grenade in the rec room

was all my fault, and that triggered some flashbacks, and for that, I

apologize. Luckily, Seattle Animal Control was quickly on the scene with

trained behavior specialists.

It's okay. You're safe now.

I mean, as safe as you can be in this ever-collapsing civilization.

Thank you for your service.

The human touch.

Sometimes that's all it takes.

I'm Tracy Palladino. Back to you.

We did it. No, Frank.

We did it.

We really pulled it off.

Is he going to cry again? No, he's not.

Where's Emily? She should be here for this.

Hey.

Hey, you weren't kidding about my couch. What is that smell?

Oh, the janitors have their cigar night up here.

You missed the news.

Palladino really took it to Roman. It was awesome.

Yeah. I wanted to let you guys have your moment.

Uh, okay, I'm gonna go. Oh, maybe don't. Maybe don't. What do you mean?

Well, I was thinking of lifting your temporary ban, having you come back to

the office.

In what role, exactly?

Well, not in a position of authority, obviously.

And I can't have you around unaccompanied men. Okay, it feels like

you're trying to ask me for a favor, so maybe just make it sound a little nicer.

Okay, I don't know what role yet.

We'll figure it out.

But I need you here.

Well, I can't do another puzzle.

Mostly because I think I've done them all.

Yeah, yeah, I'll come back.

But I'd like my couch steam cleaned and then saged and then steam cleaned again.

Deal. You got to bring it downstairs.

Okay. Because I'm not doing that.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey. Got your computer talking to the printer again, so you should be all

good. Well, I don't need to print the flyers anymore because the band split

up. Yeah, I've been there, man. It's the worst.

You play?

Bass. Wow.

Let me tell you something. You didn't just lose a band. You lost a dream.

Yeah. Let's go grab a beer. Unpack it. What do you say?

That'd be amazing.

Do you like to play catch?

Actually, let's save the questions for the brewskis.

Brewski.

Would you look at that?

Alex asked Patel out, and I'm stuck here with a bottle. I've officially swapped

lives with my partner. If it makes you feel better, I actually put Alex up to

it. Patel's been kind of lonely lately.

I should probably give you a name, huh? You want a name?

Yeah. What about Piggy Stardust?

Do you like that name?

I'm still going to eat pork sometimes, okay? But I love you. I love you.