Original subtitles

[Bird cries]

Huey: In retrospect, it really was my fault.

Granddad: [Screaming]

Riley: This is all your fault, Granddad.

If we die, I ain't never gonna forgive you.

Granddad: Please, don't turn over! Aah!

[All panting] Huey: [Grunts]

Granddad: Oh, no. What are we gonna do?

[Grunts]

- Riley: First thing you need to do is get some clothes on. - Granddad: [Groans]

All right, think. We got to think about what we're gonna do.

Huey, what do we do?

Huey: We go home. This way.

Granddad: What home?

We have no home. We have no future. We have nothing!

[Inhales deeply]

[Sirens wailing in distance]

Huey: Granddad!

Granddad: [Coughing]

Huey: Granddad, come on.

Granddad: Nope. This is it. End of the road for me.

Huey: Granddad, we don't have time for this. They're coming.

Granddad: You guys go. I'm not coming.

I'm going to stand in the middle of the road in my drawers

with this gun [Gun cocks] until the man comes.

Then I'm gonna go out like a [Bleep] G!

Riley: Granddad! You the real gay.

Synced by emmasan www.addic7ed.com

***

[Door opens]

Granddad: [Coughs] Boy, what the hell you doing in here?

Huey: I told you... I'm working with very unstable material.

It would help if you would knock.

Granddad: It would help me if you shut the hell up.

I have that appointment with the financial planner,

and you're both coming with me.

Huey: Man, why we have to go?

Granddad: Now that our situation has changed,

we need to start thinking like white people...

all of us.

Huey: I told you I have to finish my chemistry project.

Granddad: Are you sure you're just doing a chemistry project

and not making no bombs?

Huey: Yes, Granddad. I swear. I'm not making a bomb.

Granddad: What is that...

That pink stuff right there?

Isn't that what terrorists put up their Booty hole,

then they put a match up their Booty hole to blow up the whole plane?

You'd better not be making no Booty-hole bombs around here.

Huey: It's not a bomb, Granddad.

It's... wave cream.

I've been thinking about going with the Billy Dee look.

Granddad: Good. About time. Come on. Let's go.

Don't hold back. Give it to me straight.

I've been giving it to you straight for a half-hour, Mr. Freeman.

According to this, every one of your credit cards is maxed out.

You're broke. You've got zip, zero, zilch.

I'd say you have six months

before you and your grandchildren are homeless and starving.

Do you really need cable, high-speed Internet?

I see a lot of money on restaurants.

Riley: We don't go to restaurants.

That's Granddad going out on dates and feeding bitches again.

You'll probably also need to cut electricity, water.

How many kidneys do you have, Mr. Freeman?

Do you have any friends who traffic in drugs?

Can you think of any way to make some quick money?

Mr. Freeman? Mr. Freeman?

[Rapping]♪ Want to unh ♪

♪ Like we having sex Baby, grab your ankles ♪

♪ You know what's next ♪

Ruckus: [Laughs] Look at that.

Oh, how the high yellow shall be last,

and the last shall be high yellow.

Granddad: Leave me alone, Ruckus. I'm working as fast as I can.

Ruckus: Ah, yeah, nigga.

Oh, this ain't nothing like the movie "Car Wash," is it, nigga?

Oh, no. Unh-unh. Unh-unh. Unh-unh.

Ain't no singing, no dancing, no Richard Pryor... nothing.

Oh, by the way, that lazy Mexican sumbitch chico canceled,

and I need you to stay till closing time.

Granddad: But I had plans tonight.

Ruckus: Plans? Plans? Ain't no nigga make no plans!

Niggas just react to outside stimuli.

Now, I got some plans, too.

I plan to keep your black ass here.

Granddad: Sumbitch!

Riley: You heard that man, Granddad.

We don't have the finances to be feeding these bitches.

Granddad: Everything's fine. It's not that bad.

It's just one dinner.

Riley: Huey! Granddad's taking bitches out to eat again!

Granddad:♪ Going on a hot date ♪

♪ Hot date, hot date. Going on a hot date ♪

♪ Hot... ♪ Aw, damn it.

I'm out of Nap-B-Gone!

I might still have time to run to the store.

Riley: No way, Granddad.

We ain't got no money for wave gel.

You ain't got enough hair to worry about, noway.

[Ding!]

Granddad: Ahh. Pretty boy. Player.

[Cellphone vibrates, rings]

[Cellphone beeps] Hey, cutie pie. Sorry for the late date.

My, uh, corner office was packed full of meetings.

Um, anyway, you all set for tonight?

Where you want to go, baby? Mr. Chin's?

That... I, uh, don't really like Chinese food.

Hey. Here's an idea.

Why don't we skip the fancy dinner and just do something... free?

You know, like watch a movie on basic cable,

pop some popcorn, make some ramen noodles!

Well, you see, to be honest, I'm a little short on cash.

[Click, dial tone]

Hello? Hello?

[Cellphone beeps]

Riley: Whew. That was a close one.

What's for dinner?

Granddad: It's just not fair.

Truth is your granddaddy has always had a hard time with women.

I'm not very fit. I'm not very funny.

I'm not particularly good at conversation.

Lord knows I'm not good in bed.

But I had money, and as long as I had money,

I could have a moderately satisfying sex life.

Riley: Ugh.

Granddad: No more.

[Snoring]

[Alarm beeping] [Snoring stops]

[Beeping stops]

[Groans]

[Gasps]

[Doorbell rings]

Well, did you try it?

[Chuckles] We're gonna be rich.

Tom: Yeah, my hair's so silky smooth.

Riley: I like your hair.

It's like you kind of got that J. Lo thing going on...

you know, kind of like the white girls.

I like that. I like that. It's pretty hot.

Jazmine: I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.

Tom: [Chuckles] I'm so happy for you, Robert!

This is gonna revolutionize the whole black-hair-care industry.

You're sitting on a gold mine.

Granddad: Oh, thank you, Jesus.

I always knew if I pretended to believe in you,

it would pay off someday.

Tom: So, what's the plan?

Riley: Yeah, how do we get paid?

Granddad: Uh...

Tom: Now, now. There's a lot that has to be done

before you can bring something like this to market.

You need a business plan, lawyers, distribution.

How much more of this stuff do you have?

Granddad: I'm not sure. I got it from huey.

Tom: Well, where did he get it from?

Huey: Hey, Granddad. Have you seen that container of pink gel I was...

Granddad: Hey, huey. How much more of that wave cream do you have?

Huey: Granddad, you didn't.

Granddad: This wave cream you made

is way more than just wave cream.

It grows hair overnight.

Huey: It does what?

Granddad: It grows hair...

Long, straight, beautiful hair.

Huey: Granddad, that was a highly explosive compound for a bomb.

Both: A bomb?!

Granddad: But you told me it wasn't a bomb.

You specifically said it was not [belt cracks] A bomb!

- Huey: [Grunts] - Granddad: Boy, come here! Come here!

You want to make a bomb?

I'm gonna bomb your narrow ass with this belt.

Huey: You got to wash that out right now... all of you.

Jazmine: [Screams]

No! You'll never take my hair! No!

Tom: Mine, either! [Door closes]

Granddad: Damn it, boy, why do you have to ruin everything?

What are you making bombs for?

Huey: To kill Ed Wuncler II and get our freedom back.

Granddad: That's your plan?

You know, for a smart nigga, you come up with some dumb-ass plans.

Now, how much of that bomb wave cream do you have?

Riley: Hey, that should be the name... "Bomb wave cream."

Granddad: Good idea.

Write it down before we forget.

Huey: Did you not hear me?

One spark, and heads could actually explode.

Riley: "Bomb wave cream...

an explosion of beautiful hair."

Granddad: Ohh. I like that.

Huey: Granddad, you're gonna kill people.

Granddad: We'll put a warning label on it...

"Warning, flammable."

Moral dilemma solved.

Riley: Solved, nigga.

Huey: Hey, stop!

Granddad: Get off me! I need it! I need it!

Don't you see, Huey? This... this is our freedom.

Huey: I agreed to help granddad find a buyer

if he agreed to wash his hair.

This is Boss Willona,

proprietor of a black beauty salon we found on yelp.

Supposedly, she knew everything there was about black beauty products,

although I started to suspect her operation might not be completely legit.

This is a tough business.

Normally, I try to talk people out of it,

but you guys... you got something special, very special.

This isn't just hair relaxer.

This is art.

You niggas are some real artists.

We used your gel on the left half of Hot Chocolate's hair.

Bitches be hatin'.

This is better than white-bitch hair.

This is damn near virgin-Cambodian-bitch quality.

Granddad: So, I can presume you're interested in placing an order, Ms. Willona?

Boss Willona.

Granddad: Excuse me?

I'm a businesswoman, Mr. Freeman...

An African-American entrepreneur.

You don't think I've earned the right to be called "Boss"?

[Dog growls]

Granddad: Huh? I mean, yes, of course.

You're the boss... Willona.

[Chuckles]

Whoa!

Riley: All right, all right, all ri-i-i-ght.

I'll take all of it... Whatever you got.

Huey: Boss Willona, could I advise my grandfather briefly?

We need to get up out of here, granddad.

Granddad: Leave? Why?

Huey: 'Cause they're gangsters.

Granddad: Gangster? Boy, that's ridiculous.

Miss Boss Willona is a pillar of the community.

I assure you our operation is entirely legitimate.

Huey: Boss Willona, there's something you should know about this stuff.

Granddad: No, there isn't. Boy, that's enough.

Huey: No, Granddad, I think we should tell them.

Granddad: Don't listen to him, Boss Lady Willona.

Riley: Damn, Huey. Why you got to ruin everything?

Huey: We got to tell them.

It's our responsibility to tell them, Granddad.

Granddad: You drive me crazy, boy.

Riley: Man, Huey, I can't stand you.

Tell us what?

Huey: Boss Willona, this stuff is dangerous.

It's a highly explosive compound.

Nobody should ever, ever put this in their hair.

Granddad: Damn it, boy. I'm gonna beat your ass when we get home.

[Laughs] Explosive?

You think them bitches out there care about a little fire?

This here will turn your brain green.

This stuff has plutonium.

This one here is acid.

[Chuckles] Just acid.

Don't you get it?

These bitches would put napalm on their hair

if it would make it straight.

Put a warning label on it.

[Rapping]♪ Bomb!? Kaboom, niggas ♪

?it's the bomb right here?

♪ You bad-credit [Bleep] shut up for seven years ♪

♪ We cook it, we pack it, we move it, we stack it ♪

♪ We re-up, we flip it ♪

♪ We all acrobatics ♪

♪You see us? Yeah, we up ♪

♪ I know you mad at it ♪

♪ We fiends like they be. We all cash addicts ♪

♪ Deal it to the hookers that bang this [Bleep] ♪

♪ We get it hand over fist like some sign-language [Bleep] ♪

♪ Honestly, sometimes I get tired of this [Bleep] ♪

♪ But it's hard to forget how they line up for this [bleep] ♪

♪ it ain't just crack, nigga. Everything's a trap ♪

♪ I cook dope verses and serve hard raps ♪

♪ Hustle this hooptie music ♪

♪ You see me, son ♪

♪ I'm a [Rat-tat-tat] money machine gun ♪

Oh, my God, I'm never gonna look like Beyonce?

[Indistinct conversations]

Granddad: [Grunts]

So, you're just gonna sit there and not help?

Riley: That's okay. He just don't get none of this money.

Granddad: I understand, Huey.

So many bad things has happened to us.

It's hard not to assume the worst.

But don't you see?

This time, it's different.

This time, everything's gonna work out perfectly.

Next on "channel 11 news"...

Could you have a bomb in your hair?

We'll tell you which popular African-American hair-care product

contains a dangerously explosive chemical.

Granddad: You think they mean us?

The trouble started when two women attempted to board a plane

and were stopped after explosives were detected on their person.

Florida Beatrice Jackson and

Taeshawndretta Brown were detained for several hours

before it was finally discovered that their hair...

Or more precisely, their hair relaxer...

was the culprit.

I know we look like a-rabs,

all exotified and whatnot with all this hair,

but we ain't, okay?

So, they need to go [Bleep] with them actual a-rab [Bleep]

and leave niggas the [Bleep] alone!

The ironically named hair gel is the hottest-selling on the market,

but experts claim a single jar contains enough high explosives

to destroy a small plane or a prius.

Channel 11 obtained a sample of the hair gel

and placed it in the wig you see on this mannequin.

You can see for yourself

the massive destructive power of this product.

Right Like White beauty shop,

which said it had sold out of the product,

claimed it would not be ordering any more

but refused to disclose the name of the manufacturer.

Riley: See? No snitching.

That's what I'm talking about.

Granddad: Shush!

Meanwhile, authorities are urging people

who bought the product to call the police

and their local bomb squad will properly dispose of the gel.

This afternoon, the state legislature held an emergency session

to make sale or possession of the hair gel

a terrorist offense,

punishable by torture, indefinite endition,

and execution by drone strike.

And they'll deserve it.

Tim, back to you.

Riley: Does this mean we can't make no more money?

Granddad: No, it's not over.

We'll appeal, shift blame.

They knew the risk.

There was a warning label.

Huey: Are you serious?

[Cellphone vibrates, rings]

Granddad: It's Willona.

[Dog growls]

So, uh, I took the liberty of returning your money.

Hope there are no hard feelings.

[Laughs]

I don't want the money back, Robert.

I want more gel... a lot more.

Granddad: But, Boss Willona,

bomb hair gel has been declared a controlled substance.

Selling more would be unthinkable.

I don't believe it's the government's right

to tell black women they can't have long, beautiful hair.

Unh-unh.

Or black men, either.

Granddad: So, you don't care that it's illegal?

Just between us, my business isn't entirely legitimate.

Granddad: No!

Huey: You shouldn't have promised her more, Granddad.

There is no way I'm making more.

Granddad: Fine. We'll make it.

Riley: Yeah, yeah.

We'll make it, nigga.

You think you the only one in this house who knows chemistry?

Huey: Obviously.

Granddad: Okay. Well, uh-huh.

I got a little of the stuff left.

I can send it to a lab. Yeah.

That always works on TV.

I'll get it analyzed.

I'll make it myself. How hard could it be?

Riley: Analyzed, nigga.

Huey: Even if you could get the ingredients,

you mix that stuff the wrong way,

you'll blow up the whole house with us in it.

Granddad: Wuncler owns this house.

I don't give a [Bleep].

Huey: Granddad, stop!

Granddad: You can help me do it safely

or watch me blow this [Bleep] up.

Riley: Your call, nigga.

Huey: You two have to follow my instructions exactly.

Granddad: No problem.

Riley: Okay, okay, Huey. I see you.

Maybe you ain't so gay after all.

Huey: And we can't do it here.

We need to set up somewhere nobody will find it.

[Bird cries]

Riley: Ew. Couldn't you have gotten something nicer?

Granddad: We ain't taking it to a car show.

We're cooking hair relaxer.

Will this work?

Huey: Yeah. It'll work.

Granddad: All right. Let's get to it.

Riley: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold on, hold on, hold on. What you doing?

Granddad: I can't have my clothes smelling like this stuff.

Riley: Yes, you can.

Hey, I ain't getting in there until he put on some clothes.

Granddad: Shut up. Let's get to it.

Riley: Why he always finding excuses to get naked, Huey?

It's gay. Even worse, it's homosexual.

Granddad: [Sighs]

Huey: Well, what now?

Granddad: Now we call Boss Willona.

So, this is where you make it?

Smart.

Nobody will ever find this.

And everything you need is right in there, huh?

[Guns cock]

Granddad: Aah!

Riley: Aw, man.

Why didn't we think to bring no gun?

Don't take this personal, guys.

I'm a businesswoman. It's just business.

Riley: I'ma get shot by a gay dude.

How embarrassing.

Granddad: What? What do you want?

The formula.

Teach us how to make it.

Mwah!

Riley: Ugh. [Gags]

Toodles.

Huey: Put out the cigarette.

[Exhales sharply]

Granddad: Let me see. I'll just take a little pour.

Then a pinch and a splash.

Or is it a splash, then a pinch and a pour?

Huey: Wrong one.

- Go! - Granddad: Aah!

[Both screaming]

[Indistinct shouting] [Both coughing, gagging]

Granddad: Riley!

Huey: Granddad! We got to get out of here!

Granddad: [Screaming]

Riley: This is all your fault, Granddad.

If we die, I ain't never gonna forgive you.

Granddad: Don't turn over! Aah!

[Sirens wailing]

Ruckus: Robert! You lazy nigga!

You're supposed to be at the car wash!

I'm docking you a full day's pay!

Granddad: [Screams] Aah! It's not fair!

I can't take it!

Those [Bleep] they took everything!

They can't get away with it! They can't!

They can't get away with it! [Screams]

[Both groaning, coughing]

Oh, my head.

Yo, this nigga done lost his damn mind.

Hoo-hoo. Let's go.

Keys?

Unh-unh, but I can hot-wire this [Bleep].

Granddad: Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ohh, I wish I'd died in Korea!

Aah! Aah! Ohh.

[Groans] [Sighing]

Huey: In retrospect, it was my fault.

Let's go home.

Granddad: But... what about this?

There are two bodies in there.

Riley: We chop 'em up and dump the bodies.

Granddad: No. No.

Look... look at the example I'm setting.

None of this is okay.

I'm a terrible grandparent.

You boys deserve better than this.

I'm gonna turn myself in.

[Electricity crackles]

Got it!

Huey: What the [Bleep]?!

Granddad: Which way you say home was?

Huey: This way.

Riley: I hope nobody see us walking home with you in your underwear.

Synced by emmasan www.addic7ed.com