Original subtitles

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's gonna stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder the wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life

* My dream *

* And nothing's gonna stop me now *

* Happy birthday to you *

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Now, now, listen...

...I-I-I want to

to make an announcement.

This is a very important birthday for me.

And not even Cousin Larry knows why?

Because today not only I turn 25

but according to Mypos tradition...

...I also become a man.

Wow, what were you before?

I was 24.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'll get it.

I'm looking for Balki Bartokomous.

I am Balki Bartokomous.

Come in.

I am Verbos Verazonns...

...from the island of Pathos.

Pathos. From Pathos.

Everybody, he-he is from Pathos.

Pathos-Pathos, is the-is the island that is the neighbor

of Mypos to the east and Skeptos is to the west

and all together they form the Tri-Island Area.

So you're from Pathos.

It's funny, you don't look pathetic.

Well, only my father is from Pathos.

My mother was born in Skeptos.

Oh.

Oh! Yeah, yeah, now I see...

...yeah, the nose and the mouth are definitely pathetic.

And those eyes...

...those are the eyes of a skeptic.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, your welcome. Thank you.

Don't mention. Thank you.

Don't mention.

Yes, but the reason I've traveled all this way...

...I brought you birthday present from your mother.

Birthday present from mama?

Here's cookie for you.

(GASPING)

A moo koo cookie!

Balki Bartokomous...

...in honor of your 25th birthday...

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

...allow me to present Kiki Karadopolis...

...your bride to be.

(COUGHING)

Cousin...

...I got Kiki and Verbos

settled into the hotel.

Oh, good. And you got Mary Anne flowers.

She was really upset. That'll make her feel better.

What're you doing? These are for tomorrow.

The bride has to walk down an aisle

littered with flower petals.

Whoa, hold it.

What bride? What littered aisle?

What are you talking about?

wedding with reception immediately following.

I thought we'd put like three rows of chairs right here...

...and, uh, the altar over there and...

W-w-wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You mean you're going through with this.

The goat has already been delivered.

Goat? What goat?

It's the standard, short-form

inter-island marriage agreement.

I get a bride and Kiki's father gets a goat.

Now...I thought...

...what I would do let me just see

'cause these things are on sale...

...I want to just...

strew a little bit...

Oh, this works good.

And then, I thought this would be a good place

to put the traditional...

...bull.

All right, all right, Balki...

...I've had it with traditional Myposian bull.

Are you telling me you're happy

marrying a woman you don't even know?

Well, cousin, she seemed very pleasant

on the way to the hotel.

Cousin, ah, uh, I-I'm gonna get to know her.

We have years and years and years ahead of us.

But are you happy?

Yes, I'm happy. You're happy?

Yes, I'm happy. You're happy?

I'm happy! I'm happy! I'm happy!

No, I'm not happy!

I'm gonna have to move out and get another place to live

and I'll have to get a second job

and Mary Anne and I will have to stop dating.

I-I'd rather have my arms cut off at the knees

than go through with this.

I'm glad we got that out in the open.

Now, tomorrow morning,

I'll go down to the hotel and talk to Kiki.

Tell her thanks, but no thanks

and get them on the next plane to the Tri-Island Area.

Cousin, I-I got to marry Kiki.

What? Wait...why?

We were doing so well here for a moment.

There was a connection.

It was succinct. I got to...

I-I got to...

First...

And second, if-if I don't marry Kiki,

she will be disgraced.

No other man will ever have her.

And she will have to walk through the streets of Pathos

wearing the scarlet letter.

The scarlet letter.

"R."

For returned.

Balki, isn't there anything you can do

to get out of this wedding?

Well, I remember when

Depozipol Epopaloo got out of his pre-arranged marriage

to Mitchiboomba.

Well, the ground opened up and swallowed him.

But...

between now and tomorrow...

...I'll be a married man.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

LYDIA: Let me get this straight.

Balki is marrying someone

he's only known for 16 hours?

That's right.

Wh-what-what is this?

A whirlwind romance?

No, a birthday present.

Wow.

I only got him cologne.

Well, you see, she came from Pathos, and...

I'll explain it to her, baby.

Thanks.

Balki, we're almost ready.

What...what is it? What's wrong?

No, no, y-y-you look fine.

Just you look like you're about to lead

the Charge of the Light Brigade.

It's the sword, isn't it?

Well, no really

it's everything.

But the sword is a big part of it.

Well, it's-it's a traditional Myposian wedding saber.

Is it a Myposian cultural symbol

of honor and courage?

No, we use it on the wedding night

to keep the sheep off the bed.

Of course, uh...

...listen, uh...

...Balki...

...there's something I wanna..

...tell you.

Cousin...

...I-I already know it.

You learn a lot from watching sheep.

Although if they catch you watching they come after you.

They-they come after you.

...before you go off to start your new life

I just wanted to say goodbye.

I don't want to say goodbye.

than it already is.

You know I-I have trouble expressing...

Emotion. Right.

It's just over the last three years

you've become my...

Closest...friend. Right.

And when you showed up on my doorstep

you just made me...

Feel. So...

Needed.

You know, I'm-I'm really gonna

m-m-m...

Miss me.

That wasn't so hard to say.

I guess I really opened up.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Larry, that surprise is ready.

Oh.

Balki, I have a...

...wedding present for you.

I called Mypos and had them get your mama on the phone

so that she could listen to the wedding ceremony.

Oh, cousin...

...only you would have thought of a present

as wonderful as that.

Thank you.

Well, I'd better go say, "Dazu o do yo yay" to mama.

I will pack my things

Well, I guess you'll be happy to get back to Pathos.

I don't think I'll ever be happy again.

Is something wrong?

I'm in love with Kiki.

Verbos, that's great.

No, it's terrible.

I'm in love with another man's wife!

Not yet, she's not.

No, we can't call off this stupid wedding.

What do you mean, we can't call off this stupid wedding?

You're in love with Kiki!

But, she's not in love with me.

Just tell me if this headpiece is too tight.

I want to die.

I'll loosen it.

The headpiece is fine.

Well, if it makes you feel any better.

Balki is one of the finest human beings

on the face of the earth.

I'm sure he is fine.

But, I am in love with Verbos.

Kiki, this is wonderful!

Now, we can call off this stupid wedding!

No, we can't.

It's too late for me to tell Verbos

how I feel about him.

But, I don't understand.

Why is it too late to tell Verbos how you feel?

He may feel the same way about you.

(SIGHING) He doesn't even know I'm alive.

I would only be rejected and humiliated

and then I would have to throw myself

into the ocean halfway home.

Because, there's no way

I'm walking around with that "R" on my chest.

Mary Anne. Balki.

Um...Mary Anne, I want you to know

that even though I'm marrying Kiki

it will take me...

...years and years before I can begin

to feel about her the way I already feel about you.

Mary Anne, I'm so sorry that you've been hurt.

Maybe it would have been better if I never come to America.

Oh, Balki, don't say that.

I'm glad you came to America.

If you hadn't, I never would have met you.

I don't regret a thing, except maybe this marriage business.

Do you think that we can still be friends?

Of course, we can still be friends.

Come on, Mary Anne.

I'll-I'll get you a good seat.

I know the groom.

You can sit right up in front.

Uh, I assume you must be the groom?

I'm Reverend Bacon. Oh, I'm Balki Bartokomous.

(GROANING)

Oh.

Pardon my saber.

Thank you for coming on such short notice.

You know, usually we have Mooki, the oldest man on the island

come down from Mt. Mypos to perform the wedding

but since the trip would kill him

we decided to go with someone local.

Well, you're not to worry. I think I can handle it.

I'm used to performing strange weddings.

I used to live in California.

Uh, I wrote out the Myposian wedding vows

for you in English, in case you're not familiar with them.

What's that word? Dysentery.

Balki, I think mama wants to talk to you.

MAMA: (ON PHONE) Balki. Oh!

Dazu, mama. Oh, oh, ya, l-lots of staticky.

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Okay. Later, babe.

Cousin. Cousin, Larry.

Okay, cousin.

This is it.

(SIGHING) Balki, do I really have to do this part?

Cousin, this is, this is one of the most sacred parts

of the Myposian wedding ceremony.

The best man has to give the groom away.

All right. Let's get this over with.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

She's ready.

("HERE COMES THE BRIDE" PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

BACON: "We are gathered here today

"to join together in holy matrimony

"Balki Bartokomous, humble sheepherder

"turned big-city mailroom executive.

'"And Kiki Karadopolis'

daughter of Attila and Chi Chi Karadopolis."

Yeah.

Too bad, she's in love with Verbos.

Yeah.

What?

Unfortunately, he doesn't know she's alive.

Yes, he does! He's crazy about her!

That's wonderful! Now, we can call off this stupid wedding!

"is a symbol of the marriage relationship

"which lasts forever and ever and ever...

...and ever."

Do you, Balki Bartokomous

take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I-- Stop the ceremony!

The-the wrong people are getting married here!

Kiki is in love with Verbos

and Verbos is in love with Kiki.

You love me?

You love me?

You love each other?

That's great!

(SOBBING)

Am I missing something here?

Should-shouldn't we all be doing the Dance Of Joy?

Yes! Of course we should!

* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da *

Cousin, cousin, cousin.

Be-because Mypos tradition says

that I still have to marry Kiki.

The wedding has to go on as planned.

What is it with you people?

Kiki and Verbos are in love.

Doesn't that mean anything?

MAMA: (ON PHONE) Balki!

Nay, mama?

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

M-mama says that she wants to call off the wedding!

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Oh, w-wait a minute, there's-there's bad news.

Uh...Kiki's parents don't want to give back the goat.

You mean, two people are gonna have their lives ruined...

Three people are gonna have their lives ruined...

Four people-- Cousin!

A bunch of people

over a stupid goat?

(MAMA SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Oh. Okay, babe.

You're the boss.

So, what did she say?

She said that, that, that..."That a deal was made...

"...and a goat was delivered...

...and a marriage must take place."

Oh! Oh!

But, she did suggest one small change.

Yay!

Sorry.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

It was a beautiful wedding.

I didn't like the way it began

but I sure like the way it ended.

Are we still on for hot chocolate later?

Dead horses couldn't drag me away.

I'll bring the marshmallows

my little lamb kebab.

Come on, Mary Anne. Bye.

Well, Balki.

Right about now, the newlyweds

should be enjoying the wedding present I gave them.

(SIGHING) A night's stay in the bridal suite

of the Evanston Econo Lodge.

Cousin, thank you.

If it wasn't for you, I'd be down at the Econo Lodge

right now, eating pork rinds

and watching my pathetic bride cry her eyes out.

MAMA: (ON PHONE) Balki?

I forgot about mama!

She's still on the phone?

(MAMA YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Say goodbye, I'm gonna have to take out a loan

to pay for this call.

MAMA: (ON PHONE) Balki!

(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

She says she's not gonna get off the phone

until we do the Dance Of Joy.

* Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

* Hey hey hey hey *

Bye, babe.