Original subtitles

(NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME NOW PLAYING)

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder the wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* And nothing's going to stop me now *

Appleton?

Yes sir, Mr. Wainwright?

Every year, one of our reporters

I asked Walpole who he would recommend and he picked you.

Me?

Well, I'm flattered!

I'm honored! Th-this is a big compliment!

I knew you'd make a big deal out of this.

I didn't mean to.

Uh, it's just that of all the people

Appleton. Am I doing it again?

Yes. Sorry.

Here are all the details on the course.

Sir...

I'll try to make you proud of me.

Harriette, did you hear that?

They want me to teach a college class.

Mmm-hmm.

Maybe I'll get the class to publish their own newspaper.

I can divide 'em up into departments.

Business, Editorial, Sports, Politics.

Ooh, maybe I could take them all to Washington!

Stop the presses, baby.

This is junior college, not Time Magazine.

Harriette, this is my chance to make a mark

on the future of American journalism.

I'll be molding the minds of tomorrow.

First, they burn a hole in the ozone layer,

now they've got you molding minds.

World's getting scarier all the time!

* I just want to tell you how I'm feeling

* Gotta make you understand

* Never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

* Never gonna run around and desert you

* Never gonna make you cry

* Never gonna tell a lie

* Never gonna say goodbye and hurt you *

Balki?

Balki.

Before you do injury to some major muscle group,

let me tell you the good news!

Guess who's going to be teaching journalism at your school?

Walter Cronkite?

No. Ted Koppel?

No. Willard Scott!

No, no, Balki.

Me!

You?

You're not even on television.

What do you know about journalism?

Newspaper journalism!

Then you'd be perfect! Thank you.

Cousin, I can't believe I know a college teacher.

This makes me a BSOC.

BSOC? Big Sheepherder On Campus.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

I'd like to welcome you

to Journalism 101.

Introduction to News Writing.

Now.

Let me introduce myself.

My name is...

Mr. Appleton

I'd, uh, like to give you a little background on myself.

Cousin! Cousin! Great news! Great News!

My class was canceled and so now I get to take your class!

And now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!

* Da-da-da da-da-da-da *

Hey, hey! Hey!

Hey! Uh, um, Balki.

What?

I have a class in session.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Cousin Larry, I--

Balki, in front of the students

you should call me "Mr. Appleton."

Mr. Appleton?

Mr. Appleton.

I'm his cousin.

He lets me call him Cousin Larry at home.

Now, I was going to tell you about my background.

Excuse me? Yes?

Is this going to be on the final exam?

No.

Well, uh, getting back to my background...

(CLEARS THROAT)

For the past two years, uh,

I have been intimately involved

with the day-to-day operation

of one of America's great newspapers,

The Chicago Chronicle.

For the past few months, I've been working closely

with the Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative reporting team

of Marshall and Walpole

but they send him out for lunch every single day.

Balki. He never gets it wrong!

I don't know how he does it!

Except, there was that one time.

The egg salad incident. They found--

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

I am the teacher, you are the student.

Just like at home.

Now, your first assignment

will be to take, uh, any ordinary event

that you see or hear about in the next few day

and write it as a news story.

To help you, I have prepared this concise, easy-to-read

forty-seven page guide on how to write a news story.

Excuse me.

Yes. Oh, fine.

He may seem tough now, but once you get to know him

you'll find he's totally without merit.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Cousin! Cousin! Is this...

Is this good enough for my news story?

I just saw a cloud in the sky that looks like a bull moose!

I don't think so.

How about one that looks like Cybil Sheepherder?

Balki, I think you're going to have to come up

with something a little more substantial.

But what, cousin? What?

I've been looking for days

and I can't come up with anything.

I'm at the end of my soap on a rope!

Come on, cousin, just...

Will you... Will you just-just give me a...

Just a little tiny itty bitty little hint?

Balki. What?

It wouldn't be fair to the other students

in the class if I gave you special treatment.

But, cousin, I want my paper to be the best one in the class.

Come on, cousin, just...

Just give me a little hint.

Just, just... Just...

Just-just-just

let it out.

Come on. Just...

You're just thinking, and it comes down the nerve endings

and it pops out. Pop.

Please, cousin, just a little hint?

No.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

BOTH: Come in!

Oh! Welcome home, welcome home!

Welcome home!

You won't believe what happened on our flight.

A fight broke out. Mmm-hmm.

There was a fight on the plane?

started smoking. Well, some of the non-smokers got upset.

The next thing we knew people started shoving each other.

And food was flying everywhere!

Well, that is quite a story.

That's some exciting news.

Isn't that exciting news? Balki?

Have you got a tick?

Balki is looking for a news story for my journalism class.

And I can't find one anywhere. I...

(GASPING)

I could write about the food fight on the airplane!

Well, there's a thought.

Well, it is the pride of Mypos.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Cousin, will you grade my news story?

Oh, Balki, no.

I just got back from class

I really don't feel like grading papers.

Oh, cousin, please?

Oh, please, please, please. No, no, no.

Please, please, please! No, no, no.

(JINGLING)

(CHUCKLING)

Nice cover.

It can also be used as a tambourine.

Most of my teachers give me extra credit for presentation.

(SIGHING)

Balki,

why don't you find something else to do

while I grade your paper?

Oh! I get it. Hmm-mmm.

Well, I'll just, uh...

over there.

(JINGLING)

(MOUTHING WORDS)

I thought you were dusting over there.

I am dusting over there.

(JINGLING)

Okay, I'm done.

Oh, cousin, I'm so...

I'm so excited!

(PANTING)

How did I do?

Well, Balki, remember, this is your first attempt.

Oh, I-I-I want an A-plus.

But-but, uh, I know that this is my first...

First attempt at a news story

and-and there's probably room for improvement, so...

So I-I-I guess I better be prepared

to live with an A.

(JINGLING)

(CHUCKLING)

(JINGLING)

An F?

I'm sorry, Balki, but there were some fundamental mistakes.

Now, I know you're a little disappointed.

But look at this as a growth experience.

I'm gonna get taller from this?

No.

No, I mean

Can I learn a little less and get a C?

No.

No.

Balki, I know I set my grading standards high.

But I expect a lot from my students.

Now, if you work really hard,

someday you'll get a paper back from me with an A on it

and it will really mean something.

Well, that's something to shoot for.

That's the spirit.

Goodnight, buddy.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

LARRY: Keep that in mind when you are writing.

Remember, when you organize those long

complicated sentences, try a semi-colon.

It may be just what you need

to save your story.

Now, before we run out of time,

Balki, could you give me a hand

handing back the news story assignments?

Balki?

But, cousin,

as an F student I'm not qualified

to pass out papers.

Balki, you are not an F student.

I'm not? You're a good student

You gonna pass out the papers

or are we gonna grow old together?

Now, I did see a lot of potential in these papers

but there's also a lot of room for improvement.

Hey, wait a minute. This looks like an F.

It is an F.

But maybe with some hard work

your next assignment can be a D.

Hey, I got an F too.

Oh, man! Dipstick.

(ALL GRUMBLING)

Now, now. Hey, remember-- Jerk.

One can often learn more from failure than from success.

Who is this guy? Mr. Rogers?

I have never gotten an F in my life!

You failed all of us?

And this from a guy who works in a basement!

(ALL CLAMORING IN OUTRAGE)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

but this is all aimed at making you good journalists.

Who wants to be a journalist? I wanna be a linebacker!

(BELL RINGING)

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Meatball!

I wonder what got into them?

You failed the entire class?

Well, Balki, I told you I set my standards high.

Your... Your standards are so high

I can't even see them from here!

Now, Balki, my standards are not that high!

If I want to bring out the best in my students

they're just gonna have to learn

from their mistakes. Like you did.

What are you talking about?

and believe me, you improved!

What? I... What second attempt at a story?

Look, I know you were embarrassed

to show it to me after the F

but I saw your story on the kitchen table this morning

so I thought I'd help you out and grade it.

Oh, cousin, this isn't my story.

This is, uh, Mr. Wainwright's story

that he wrote in college.

Mr. Wainwright wrote this? Yeah.

He gave it to me so that I could learn

by looking at a really good news story.

It must be good.

He got an A on it from the prestigious

Columbia University School of Journalism.

He got an A on it? Yeah.

What grade did you give him?

Doesn't make any difference. It's not your paper.

But...

Mr. Wainwright give it to me.

And you left it on the kitchen table.

But... But that don't mean that you can take it.

Finders keepers.

Ah! Oh! Oh!

(GRUNTING)

(GASPING)

You gave Mr. Wainwright a C-minus?

I had my reasons.

and I thought it went on a bit.

Columbia School of Journalism?

His instructor was Edward R. Murrow.

Oh, my Lord!

(CHUCKLING) Cousin...

I-I-I've got to go to another class.

Po po po!

Po.

Edward R. Murrow?

Oh!

I want to discuss my grade.

And your face.

I'll be with you in just a moment.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, cousin. Where have you been?

(SIGHING)

waiting for security to walk me out of the building.

You know, during those four hours,

I did some thinking.

And, uh, I-I think I went

a little over the edge with this class.

You know, cousin, on Mypos when we teach sheep to jump

over a fence, we don't just take them to the Great Wall of Mypos

on the very first day and say, "Jump, mutton head!"

No, we start little.

First, you teach the sheep to jump over your foot.

Which can be very encouraging for the sheep.

Although, at times,

painful for the teacher.

But-but, uh, what you do, you, little by little

you make the goals higher and higher

and before you know it those sheep are playing

Leap Sheep all over the meadow.

You're right, Balki, it was an introductory class.

I was too hard on them.

Well, you still have time to change.

One of the things I did while I was hiding under my desk

was to grade those papers over again.

Did... Did you grade mine?

Yes, I did.

This time I graded purely on content.

Balki, you got an A-minus.

An A-minus?

Hey, gimme a break.

The best I could do for Mr. Wainwright was a B.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)