Original subtitles

(NOTHING'S GONNA STOP ME NOW PLAYING)

* Sometimes the world looks perfect

* Nothing to rearrange

* Sometimes you just get a feeling

* Like you need some kind of change

* No matter what the odds are this time

* Nothing's going to stand in my way

* This flame in my heart

* Like a long lost friend

* Gives every dark street a light at the end

* Standing tall

* On the wings of my dream

* Rise and fall

* On the wings of my dream

* The rain and thunder the wind and haze

* I'm bound for better days

* It's my life and my dream

* Nothing's gonna stop me now *

Balki?

Hi, cousin.

Are you just getting home?

Buh-bye.

Balki?

Were you working all night?

We were playing poker.

Buh-bye.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You were playing poker?

(INHALING)

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

Funny, funny thing. Um...

I wasn't really even supposed to play, but...

But one of the regular players in Mr. Gorpley's game

was sick and Mr. Gorpley graciously allowed me to sit in.

How much money did you lose?

(SOBBING) Oh, cousin...

What?

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

What?

Oh, cousin, I lost $100.

You lost $100!

Cousin, don't yell at me, I'm feeling quite vulnerable.

I...

I lost $100.

Balki! Do... It's all right.

I'm not mad at you. You yelled at me.

I am mad at Mr. Gorpley!

Well, cousin, don't get mad at Mr. Gorpley.

It wasn't his fault. He was trying to help me.

He sat down right next to me so he could help me

by looking at my cards.

Looking at your cards is against the rules.

Well, I'll be snookered.

I... I was wondering

why he wouldn't let me look at his cards.

You think that's why I lost each and every hand?

Yes, yes, I think so.

Cousin, you think if I go to Mr. Gorpley

and ask him real nice

he'd give me my money back?

(SCOFFING) Balki, you're dreaming.

I am?

and I didn't lose $100?

Cousin,

it seemed so real.

Balki, it is real.

What I mean is that Gorpley is a serious card player.

is to beat him at his own game.

Well, cousin, I'd... I 'd love to get my money back.

In fact, losing the $100

was the only part of the game I didn't enjoy.

Other than that it was really a great way

to experience male bondage.

Bonding.

Male bonding.

Bonding.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Balki?

Would you come out here please?

Did I catch you at a bad time?

No.

I was just wondering why you're wearing

your bullet hat.

Oh! Uh...

I'm going to hire myself out on weekends

as a human cannonball.

Balki, forget about that.

It won't be necessary.

I told Gorpley we'd play in his poker game tomorrow night.

I'm going to win your money back.

Really, cousin?

But-but you got to be careful.

Mr. Gorpley is quite the aardvark.

Perhaps you mean card shark?

But, Balki, I happen to be

a great poker player.

In the poker world, I was known as Smooth Larry Appleton.

Well, in the goat-milking world

I was known as Cool Hand Balki.

Are you going to pay attention now?

Yes, I-I am. I am going to focus.

First thing I have to do is teach you how to play poker.

I've written down a few simple rules

As you can see, two pair beat one pair,

three of a kind beat two pair, a full house

and four of a kind beat a full house.

Any questions?

Wow!

You make it all seem so complicated.

All Mr. Gorpley did was

deal me five cards and we both look at them

and he take my money.

Well, this is gonna be different. Sit down, Balki.

This time,

we are going to take Gorpley's money.

It is very important

that nobody know

what the cards in your hand are.

Watch me first.

I'm picking up my cards.

They may be good.

They may be bad.

I am looking at my cards.

What do you see on my face?

There's a tiny little bit of ketchup right there.

And also a-- All right, that's enough.

That's enough.

What I mean is

your face should not reveal

That is called having a poker face. A poker face.

Oh, well, that's a relief!

Do you want me to win your money back?

All right, then. Pay attention! Okay! Okay.

Look at your cards. Remember!

Your face should not reveal anything

about the cards in your hand.

(GASPING)

Good hand?

Balki, I don't want to take up

your whole night teaching you how to play poker.

No, cousin, I want to know how to play poker!

I'll teach you later, but first

we are going to go over the plan.

There's a plan? Yes!

Oh, golly! Oh...

There... There goes all the fun.

Balki, tomorrow night we play Gorpley.

First, we're going to lose a few hands on purpose

so he'll think I'm a beginner too.

Then I'll suggest that we pool our money

and I play for both of us.

And I'll win your money back.

Thank you, cousin.

But are you sure you can beat Mr. Gorpley?

Balki...

You are talking to Smooth Larry Appleton.

I can beat anybody!

There is magic in these hands.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Here's your two.

Dealer takes three.

I'd say these were worth five bucks.

Andre?

Walt? I'm out.

Up to you, Bartokomous. Are ya in?

Whoa.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Am I in? Balki.

I got nothing.

How 'bout you, Appleton?

Oh, all right, I'm in.

Pair of threes.

Whoa.

Tough hand.

Pair of sixes.

Pair of sixes?

(LAUGHING)

Well, of all the luck.

Cousin, you and me must be the two

worst poker players in the whole world!

In fact,

I doubt if in the whole history of card playing

there has ever been two more rank-smelling amateurs.

Oh, say. I have an idea. You do?

Why, yes I do.

Well, I didn't plan on this,

but what if Balki and I pool our money

so that just one of us plays?

And then if we raise the stakes

we might have a better chance of winning our money back.

Cousin, that's a great plan!

Even though it's not a plan

but something you just now thought of...

You want to raise the stakes?

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Sam, these guys are just beginners.

Come on, it doesn't seem fair.

You want fair? Go coach Little League.

Okay.

No limit.

Which one of you is gonna play?

Well, see, uh, if... Well, you know, I-I...

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

BOTH: What was the question?

Which one of you is going to play?

We've decided that, Cousin Larry is going to play

even thought that wasn't the plan,

but something we just now thought of.

Now, what do you say, we play some real poker?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, I'll see your five.

And raise you 20.

Andre?

Walt? Ha.

Fold, cousin. Balki.

Fold! Spindle! Mutilate!

Just don't lose anymore of our money!

I am trying to play poker.

I'll see your 20...

And raise you another 20.

I call. What do you got?

Three jacks. Beat 'em.

Okay, three kings.

Cousin, I got to talk to you privately, excuse us!

I'll be back.

where Smooth Larry Appleton was supposed to win back

my $100?

Now, when does the smooth plan kick in?

Everything's working perfectly.

Gorpley thinks he's winning.

I am in total control of this situation.

Now gimme the rest of your money.

I don't think so.

I keep giving you money, and you keep giving it to Mr. Gorpley.

I could do that!

Balki, your money is safe with me, now hand it over.

Cousin,

this is my last $20.

It's my mad money.

If you lose it, I'm gonna be real mad.

Thanks. Trust me.

I'm in.

Guys, guys, guys.

You can't beat me.

They used to call me, Slick Sam Gorpley.

Cousin, let's get out of here, he's got a better nickname.

I can take him. Okay.

I can do it! Okay.

Why don't you go see a movie?

Gimme another $20 in chips.

(SCOFFING)

Larry, I was afraid I'd find you here.

Jennifer.

Wow, who's the blonde?

Appleton's girlfriend.

Why, I'll never know.

Larry, could I talk to you for a minute please?

Not now. It's my deal.

Balki, we have to talk. Yeah, okay.

Balki, we have to get Larry out of here.

Well, tell me something I don't know.

How is he doing?

but Mr. Gorpley has all of our money.

If we don't get Larry out of here right now

he'll start writing IOU's.

I'll raise you $20.

He's supposed to be Smooth Larry Appleton.

He was Smooth Larry Appleton years ago.

But that's before he got the fever.

It got so bad, he finally vowed to quit

and never pick up the cards again.

I told him not to take this chance, but, Balki,

he said he had to do it for you.

But, but, but...

Do you think he has any control left?

All right, here's your 20.

And I'll throw in the blonde.

Apparently not.

Come on, Jennifer, we've got to get him out of here.

Cousin, come on. We're getting out of here. Balki.

I'm not going anywhere.

Cousin, I'm sorry, but this is for your own good.

Now, come on! Get him out of here. No! No! No!

No! No! No!

Mr. Gorpley, tell him that the game is over.

He's got $20 on the table.

Yeah, and not to mention the blonde.

Oh, then I'm out.

And, Balki. What?

Put me down! No!

All right, if you think it'll help.

Oh... Oh...

No, no, no.

Set me down. Okay.

Pair of eights.

Pair of jacks. You lose again, Appleton.

(LAUGHING)

All right, Gorpley, what do ya say?

One more hand for the whole ball of wax.

No, cousin! You can't bet my ball of wax!

I've been collecting it for years!

Okay. I'll play one more hand with you.

But what are you gonna bet with?

I'll bet

next week's paycheck

against everything we lost tonight

plus the $100 Balki lost.

Ooh, you are a serious card player.

Cousin, cousin, it's your paycheck!

Don't worry, Balki.

I'm not gonna lose.

I'll take three.

And I'll take... One.

I'll tell you what?

Let's, uh, sweeten the pot.

I'll raise you

my car.

No, cousin, don't do that! Balki.

Cousin, you don't have a pair of anything!

Balki!

Gee, I got a feeling you're bluffing.

(LAUGHING)

You wanna bet cars?

I call.

What you got?

Full house!

Kings and aces.

(LAUGHING)

Uh, you can just leave your car here and take the bus home.

It'll be a nice lesson in humility.

Oh, not so quick, slick.

When I sat down you thought you had a pigeon

you could take to the cleaners.

Cousin, cut through the metaphors!

I don't know what you're talking about and I'm dying to know

if we've won or lost!

He thought I didn't know how to play

and that he could take everything I had

Oh.

you thought it was Christmas.

Well, it was all a trap and you walked right into it.

The blonde was in on it?

I have a name.

You have a phone number?

Walt, shut up.

Balki's right, I don't have a pair of anything.

I got a straight flush.

You lose, Gorpley.

Oh!

I can't believe I lost my car.

Well...

I don't want your car.

I just came to win back what Balki lost.

Nice gesture, cousin...

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

BALKI: Cousin?

You mean to tell me that Jennifer

knew that you were pretending to be out of control

the whole time?

Yes, she did.

I was really worried, I spent the whole evening

on an emotional roller derby.

I'm sorry, Balki, but I had no choice.

I knew you couldn't keep my secret.

You're just not a devious person.

Well, I'm sorry, we all have our shortcomings.

No, no, Balki. That-that's a good thing in life.

Oh, uh...

Here's your $100.

Thank you, for wining my money back.

I think you would have done the same for me.

You know I would.

Mr. Gorpley fooled me.

You fooled me.

Jennifer fooled me.

I'm beginning to think

I'm easily fooled.

You? You? No! No, Balki.

You are not easily fooled.

Really?

Oh, what's that?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

What's that?

What's what?

What-what's that? What?

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)