Original subtitles

RRRRR, RRRRR.

CH-CH-CH!

I'M KILLING

ALL YOUR GUYS!

NO WAY!

TAKE MY

ANTI-AIRCRAFT FIRE!

LOOK OUT,

HERE COMES A RAPTOR!

3:00! 3:00! AAH!

WHOO!

DAD, THERE WEREN'T

ANY DINOSAURS

IN WORLD WAR II.

OH, BUT THERE

WERE ROBOTS?

THOSE AREN'T ROBOTS.

THOSE ARE CANADIANS.

AND THIS SALT SHAKER

IS EISENHOWER.

OK, OK. GREAT.

UH, I'M ORDERING

FROM BAMBOO PAGODA.

WHO WANTS IN?

NONE FOR ME.

I'M GOING HOME

IN A MINUTE.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE

GOING TO WAIT HERE

TILL THE FOOD GETS HERE,

THEN YOU'RE GOING TO

EAT IT AND NOT PAY,

LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.

WELL, IF IT'S

JUST SITTING THERE...

MAKE YOUR FATHER HAPPY.

DON'T ORDER

FROM BAMBOO

PAGODA.

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG

WITH BAMBOO PAGODA?

WELL, IT'S FINE,

IF YOU LIKE FILTH.

SO HAPPENS

I LOVE FILTH,

DAD.

HEY, GUYS!

HEY, BABY!

WAIT, I THOUGHT

YOU WERE GOING

TO BE AT YOUR MOM'S

FOR 2 MORE DAYS.

WOULD YOU WANT

TO BE AT MY MOM'S

FOR 2 MORE DAYS?

I MISSED YOU GUYS.

MMMMM!

UH, WHAT ARE

YOU CHECKING FOR?

FINGERS, TOES.

TATTOOS.

WHAT? WHY?

OH, LAST TIME

I WENT OUT OF TOWN,

UNCLE EDDIE

PUT NAKED LADIES

ON THEIR NECKS.

HEY, THEY

PICKED THEM.

BABY, BABY.

COME ON, COME ON.

WE'RE FINE,

WE'RE FINE.

HEY, WE HAD

A GOOD TIME,

DIDN'T WE, HENRY?

DAD LET US STAY UP

TILL MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT.

HENRY,

WHAT WAS OUR DEAL?

YOU'D LET US

STAY UP TILL MIDNIGHT

IF WE DIDN'T TELL MOM.

RIGHT.

SHE DRAGGED IT

OUT OF ME.

Claudia: LILY!

OH, UH,

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE WAS

A SMALL THING THAT--

UM, JUST ORDER ME

MU SHU PORK.

RIGHT.

ONE FILTHY

MU SHU PORK.

SEAN, WHY IS

ALL THIS JUNK HERE?

OH, I BARRICADED

LILY IN HER ROOM.

YEAH, WHY?

WELL, YOU KNOW HOW

YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING

I DON'T KNOW HOW

TO BE THE BAD COP?

WRONG! WRONG!

OK, WHAT HAPPENED?

IS SHE OK?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

SHE'S FINE.

SHE'S JUST

BEING PUNISHED!

WHAT COULD

A TEENAGE GIRL

POSSIBLY DO

TO JUSTIFY THROWING

HER IN SOLITARY?

OH, BELIEVE ME,

SHE'S GETTING OFF EASY

AFTER WHAT SHE DID.

TELL ME

WHAT SHE DID.

SHE WENT--

OK. YOU'VE GOT TO HEAR

HOW IT STARTED.

ALL RIGHT.

I WAS COMING BACK

FROM THE STORE...

HI, DAD.

HEY, LIL.

WHOA. LOOK AT YOU.

I'M NOT DRESSED UP.

NO, I MEAN, YOU J--

I JUST MEANT

YOU LOOK GREAT,

THAT'S ALL.

LOOK, CHRISTINA'S MOM

IS TAKING US

OUT TO DINNER,

SO I GOT

A LITTLE DRESSED UP!

THERE'S NOTHING

WRONG WITH THAT!

I MEAN, IF YOU

WANT ME TO CHANGE,

I'LL CHANGE,

BUT I'M JUST

GOING OUT TO DINNER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE

MAKING SUCH A HUGE DEAL

OUT OF THIS!

WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

I JUST SAID YOU LOOK

GREAT. GO TO DINNER.

I DON'T CARE.

HAVE A GOOD TIME.

OH, OK. COOL.

DAD?

MM-HMM?

I LOVE YOU.

"I LOVE YOU, DAD,"

AND A KISS,

AND YOU WEREN'T

THE LEAST BIT

SUSPICIOUS?!

WELL, I MAY

HAVE BEEN BLINDED

BY MOCK AFFECTION!

LIL! LILY!

ARE YOU OK?!

SEE? SHE'S FINE!

WAIT A MINUTE,

HONEY. THESE

ARE ON BACKWARDS.

THE HOLE GOES

IN FRONT

SO YOU CAN PEE.

NOT ANYMORE.

I'VE GOT A NEW WAY.

OK.

YOU WANT TO SEE?

NO.

AH, I'D LIKE

TO SEE THAT.

I BET HE'S GOT

SOME KIND OF STRAW

DOWN THERE.

OK. YOU TWO,

UP TO BED.

WHOA, WHOA. GIVE

YOUR DAD SOME LOVIN'.

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

COME ON. GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

BRUSH YOUR TEETH.

CAN WE BRUSH

EACH OTHER'S?

WHATEVER

GETS THE JOB DONE.

THERE'S NO WAY

YOU'RE BRUSHING

MY TEETH.

MOM SAID I COULD.

YOU'RE NOT

BRUSHING MY TEETH.

COME ON, JIMMY.

I'M NOT GONNA

HURT YOU OR ANYTHING.

Jimmy:

DISGUSTING!

GOOD NIGHT!

HEY! DON'T LET

YOUR SISTER OUT!

OK. WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING, REALLY.

I WAS JUST IN

THE BACKYARD EARLIER,

JUST SPENDING

SOME QUALITY TIME

WITH THE BOYS.

FIRE! HEH HEH!

AHA! DO IT AGAIN.

FIRE!

[RING]

HELLO?

SECURITY?

SECURITY? WAIT.

WHAT SECURITY?

OK, REMEMBER

THAT STORY LILY TOLD

ME ABOUT DINNER?

IT WAS A LIE.

YEAH,

SHE REALLY WENT OUT

TO ACTION MOUNTAIN.

ACTION MOUNTAIN,

NEW JERSEY?

THAT'S RIGHT, AND I

HAD TO GO BAIL HER BUTT

OUT OF ACTION JAIL.

HOW DO 2 14-YEAR-OLD

GIRLS EVEN GET

FROM STATEN ISLAND

TO THE MIDDLE

OF NEW JERSEY?

WELL, IF THEIR FATHERS

HAVE ACHIEVED

A BASIC LEVEL

OF COMPETENCE,

THEY DON'T GET THERE.

DAD, I DON'T

NEED YOUR HELP.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

JUST LET IT PLAY OUT.

AT SOME POINT,

THE STATE'LL INTERVENE.

SO, WHAT, SO YOU

DROVE OUT THERE

AND PICKED HER UP?

NOT THAT EASY.

REMEMBER, YOU GOT OUR CAR.

EDDIE'S GOT A CAR,

BUT HE WON'T LET ME

DRIVE HIS CAR.

OF COURSE HE WON'T.

IT'S AN EXPENSIVE CAR.

I DIDN'T WANT HIM

TO WRECK IT.

OH, HO HO HO.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

SEE, I DON'T

WRECK CARS, ALL RIGHT?

YOU WRECK CARS.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

UH, YOU WRECKED YOUR CAR.

BUT EDDIE

DIDN'T WRECK HIS CAR.

SOME IDIOT

RAMMED INTO HIM.

HA HA. RAMMED--

RAMMED INTO HIM?

YOU DIDN'T HEAR

THIS ONE, DAD?

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO,

NO, NO, NO.

HE WAS ADMIRING

HIS NEW MUSTACHE.

COMIN' IN NICE.

NICE. IT'S

GONNA REALLY LOOK NICE.

[CRASH]

[CRASH]

SON OF A BITCH!

I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW

YOU GOT A NEW CAR

OUT OF THAT.

IT WAS HIS REWARD

FOR STUPID DRIVING.

WHAT DO YOU

WANT FROM ME?

THE GUY HAD

A LOT OF INSURANCE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU KEEP

THAT MUSTACHE?

I STILL HAVE IT.

THIS IS WHO

I HAVE TO TURN TO

IN MY HOUR OF NEED.

COME ON.

COME ON. LET ME

DRIVE YOUR CAR.

IT'S A SPORTS

UTILITY VEHICLE.

IT'S NOT

LIKE A REGULAR CAR.

IT REQUIRES

SPECIAL SKILLS.

WAIT. HEY,

I GOT AN IDEA.

LET ME DRIVE YOUR CAR.

HEY...NO.

LOOK! EVER SINCE YOU

WERE BORN, I LET YOU

BORROW MY STUFF!

YEAH, AND I

ALWAYS BROKE IT.

AW, GEE.

GIVE ME THE KEYS!

GIVE ME THE KEYS!

NOW YOU'RE ANGRY.

I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU

DRIVE MY CAR ANGRY.

LOOK, I GOT TO GO.

SOMEONE'S GOT TO WATCH

JIMMY AND HENRY.

CALL DAD.

OH, NO, COME ON NOW, ED.

ED, COME ON NOW, LOOK.

I'M BEGGING.

COME ON.

PLEASE? COME ON.

LET ME DRIVE YOUR CAR.

NO.

ARRGGHH!

THE PROBLEM IS

YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH

TO HANDLE

HAVING A TEENAGER.

YOU LACK THE MATURITY.

DID YOU HEAR

WHAT I SAID?

I SAID YOU LACK

THE NECESSARY MATURITY.

YEAH, I HEARD, DAD.

BUT THEN THIS IS WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE 18

AND DON'T KNOW

WHAT A RUBBER IS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHAT'S A RUBBER?

NEVER YOU MIND.

COME ON.

WE'RE MISSING GOLF.

CAN WE WATCH

SCOOBY DOO?

NO.

WHAT'S A RUBBER?

SHUT IT.

WHAT'S A RUBBER?

I DON'T KNOW.

THIS IS MY LANE,

LITTLE CAR.

SO WE GET THERE,

AND THEY TAKE US BACK

TO THIS CREEPY

EMPLOYEES-ONLY AREA

WHERE I GET TO SEE MY

CHILDHOOD HERO

DIZZY THE HIPPO

TAKING A LEAK.

AND HEY, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

THERE'S LILY, CHRISTINA,

AND A FEW SURPRISE GUESTS.

BOYS.

DAD!

HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD. YOU?

OK.

YEAH, UH, HEY, GOSH,

WHO ARE YOUR BUDDIES HERE?

OH, THAT'S BRIAN,

NICK, AND ADAM.

UH-HUH. AND YOU GUYS

ALL GOT HERE,

UH...HOW?

ADAM HAS A CAR,

WHICH MEANS

CHRISTINA'S MOM

DIDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE US.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

THAT'S GREAT.

AND DO YOU KNOW

YOUR DRIVER ADAM

IS THAT PASSED-OUT DRUNK

WITH HIS FACE

IN THE GARBAGE?

WELL, THAT DOESN'T MEAN

OUR ORIGINAL PLAN

WASN'T A GOOD ONE.

OH, MAN! I AM SO GLAD

I WAS OUT OF TOWN

FOR THIS ONE.

OH, YEAH.

GO AHEAD AND LAUGH.

NEXT TIME YOU'RE

TAKING HER WITH YOU.

YOU--YOU COULDN'T EVEN

KEEP HER IN THE STATE.

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED

TO THE LAST BEER?

I'M DRINKING IT.

THAT'S WHY I HID IT

IN THE BACK.

SO WHAT WAS

HER BIG CRIME ANYWAY?

WELL, IT ALL STARTED

WHEN ONE OF LILY'S

NEW FRIENDS

DECIDED TO STAND UP

ON THE MAGIC JOURNEY

RIDE.

[WHOOPING AND LAUGHING]

WHOO!

AAH!

AAH!

KING OF THE JUNGLE!

HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY.

THAT GUY'S LOOKING

AT YOU.

[SHOUTING]

AAH!

DON DIEGO!

Man: STAY THERE!

HA HA HA.

DUDE,

I DIDN'T DO IT.

WHY ARE YOU

TOUCHING ME?

DUDE, YOU THROUGH?

AAH. OW!

OH, SHAMPOO BOTTLES.

YES, THAT

IS A GOOD PLAN.

ANY GUARD WHO'D NOTICED

WOULD JUST ASSUME

THEY'D COME TO THE PARK

TO WASH THEIR HAIR.

Eddie: YEAH,

BUT THEY'RE GREAT

FOR CASUALLY

SQUIRTING A SHOT

INTO YOUR SODA.

JUST SOMETHING

I KNOW.

HEY, HEY. HOW MUCH

YOU GUYS HAVE TO DRINK?

NOT--NOT THAT MUCH.

UM, IT'S JUST

ADAM FORGOT TO

RINSE OUT THE SHAMPOO.

[VOMITING]

ACCHH! IT STINKS

LIKE PRELL IN HERE.

[VOMITING]

SO YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHAT THE PROBLEM IS?

NO.

NO.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

THE PROBLEM IS

PARENTS TODAY,

THEY OVERANALYZE.

I NEVER HAD ANY SUCH

PROBLEMS WITH THESE BOYS.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

YEAH?

WHAT WAS

YOUR BIG SECRET?

WELL, THE SECRET IS

YOU DON'T TRY

TO REASON WITH THEM.

THEY DON'T

HAVE THE FACULTIES.

YOU HAVE TO MAKE

THINGS SIMPLE.

NOW, YOU SEE

THIS PICTURE OF THE JUDGE?

IF EITHER ONE OF YOU

OPENS THIS DOOR

AFTER I GO DOWNSTAIRS,

A BULLET

WILL SHOOT OUT OF HIS EYE

AND KILL YOU.

I AM ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS.

GOOD NIGHT.

Walt: SEE, THAT'S

WHAT WE CALL DISCIPLINE.

AND I DIDN'T GET THAT OUT

OF ANY NAMBY-PAMBY BOOK.

YEAH. DIDN'T

THINK YOU DID.

HEY, WHATEVER HAPPENED

TO THAT PAINTING?

I KILLED IT

WITH A RAKE.

SO--SO THEN YOU

CAME BACK AND YOU DID

THE BARRICADE THING?

OH, NO, NO, NO,

NO, NO, NO.

SO MUCH MORE

HAPPENED ON THE WAY

TO THE BARRICADE.

[TIRES SCREECH]

JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK

YOU'RE TAKING THESE KIDS?

OUT OF HERE.

DO I KNOW YOU?

HE STILL WORKS THERE?

OH, YEAH.

AND THEY MADE HIM,

LIKE, THE COMMANDER

OR SOMETHING.

HAIR PLUGS IS A PERSON?

WELL, YOU KNOW,

KIND OF.

GOD, THAT WAS, LIKE,

WHAT, 5 YEARS AGO?

YEAH, THE BEER GARDEN

WAS STILL OPEN

BACK THEN.

OPEN AND A-FLOWIN'.

HA HA HA!

SON OF A BITCH.

Sean:

HEY! HEY, GOOD, MAN.

THIS CAR'S MESSED UP.

YOU GAVE ME A BAD CAR.

HA HA HA HA HA.

AS I RECALL,

YOU TWO WERE BANNED

FROM THE PARK FOR LIFE.

Sean: LET GO, DUDE!

I'M SPILLIN'

MY BEER, MAN.

I GOT IT!

GET YOUR HAND

OFF ME, MAN!

I'M ALL RIGHT!

I'M ALL RIGHT.

OHH!

YEAH, HEY,

I DIDN'T EVEN WANT

TO COME HERE, OK?

I JUST CAME

TO GET MY DAUGHTER

AND HER FRIENDS,

AND--AND

WE'RE GOING HOME.

DAUGHTER.

I DON'T THINK SO.

EXCUSE ME?

A BIT

ON THE YOUNG SIDE?

NICE TRY, BIG BROTHER.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

HEY, I'M NOT

HER BROTHER.

YEAH. YOU LOOK

MORE LIKE HER DEALER.

OH! OH, I SEE.

OH, OK.

OH, I GET IT.

SO I'M NOT A DAD?

NO.

OH! OK,

NOW I GET IT.

BECAUSE I JUST SPENT

AN HOUR AND A HALF

ON THE TURNPIKE

COMING DOWN HERE

TO GET THEM

JUST FOR THE FUN

OF IT, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, JUST

FOR THE SHEER JOY

OF DRIVING

5 TEENAGERS

REEKING OF PUKE

ALL THE WAY

BACK HOME, RIGHT?

HA HA! NO, NO.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE ONLY A DAD

WOULD GET THAT

SCREWED, RIGHT?

'CAUSE ONLY A DAD

WORKS ALL WEEK

AT HIS

MIND-NUMBING JOB

ONLY TO SPEND

HIS PRECIOUS

SATURDAY NIGHT

AT A FIFTH-RATE

THEME PARK

GETTING

THE THIRD DEGREE

FROM A COP

WITH A DUCK

ON HIS BADGE!

SIR!

THE DUCK ON MY CHEST

STANDS FOR THIS

THEME PARK'S COMMITMENT--

HOW CAN YOU EVEN CALL

THIS A THEME PARK, MAN?

I DON'T GET IT,

YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE OVER HERE,

RIGHT, YOU GOT

THE JUNGLE PART.

ALL RIGHT,

BUT THEN OVER HERE,

YOU GOT

THIS WHOLE OTHER PART

WITH A RAT

ON A SKATEBOARD.

AND THEN

YOU TURN THE CORNER,

AND THEN IT'S,

WHOA, SPACE PORT 2000!

YOU KNOW, THE YEAR

2000, WE'RE ALL GONNA

BE LIVING IN SPACE!

WELL, GUESS WHAT?

WE'RE NOT!

SO WHAT'S THE THEME,

MAN?

WHAT IS THE THEME?!

EASE UP, MAN.

NO, YOU EASE UP!

I WANT YOU

TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW

WHAT THE THEME IS!

CAN'T YOU

MAKE HIM STOP?

HEY, HE'S

A FREAK.

[LAUGHING]

"WHAT IS THE THEME, MAN?"

"TELL ME

THE THEME, MAN.

TELL ME THE THEME!"

LILY, YOUR DAD

IS HILARIOUS!

YOU HEAR THAT?

DRUNKEN TEENAGERS?

NOT THE TOUGHEST

AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD.

WHATEVER.

AM I RIGHT THAT

PLACES LIKE THIS

ARE FREAKIN' TAME?

THERE'S NO THEME!

YOU CALLED IT, MAN.

YOU CALLED IT.

MY DAD WOULD NEVER

SAY ALL THAT STUFF

ABOUT THE THEME.

WELL...

DAD, YOU ROCKED!

NO. DUDE,

YOU UNDERSTAND, MAN!

NOT LIKE MY DAD.

IF HE WAS HERE

RIGHT NOW,

HE'D BE ON HIS

CELL PHONE CALLING

EVERYBODY'S PARENTS.

MAN, WE WOULD BE

SO NAILED, MAN.

YEAH! LILY,

YOU WERE SO RIGHT!

YOUR DAD'S

THE ONE TO CALL.

SO YOU SEE?

I'M AN IDIOT.

YEAH, YOU KNOW,

THEY WERE TOTALLY

PLAYING ME.

Walt: YEAH.

IT'S AMAZING HOW

YOUR CREDIBILITY AS A PARENT

JUST FLIES OUT THE WINDOW

WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE ZZ TOP.

ANYWAY...

SO TELL ME,

BRIAN IS IT?

YEAH.

HEY, WHERE

DO YOU LIVE, MAN?

UH,

354 HARRISON.

ALL RIGHT!

HEY, YOU THINK YOUR

PARENTS ARE STILL UP?

NO WAY, DUDE.

GOOD. THAT WAY

I GET TO WAKE 'EM.

OH, CRAP.

WHAT THESE KIDS DID,

THERE'S NO OTHER WAY

TO DESCRIBE IT

THAN...

WILDING.

I--I--I DON'T KNOW

WHAT THEY WERE ON--

SMACK, CRANK,

CRACK...

FLAKE...SMANK.

FRIENDLY BEAR?

DEAD.

THE LITTLE

WOODCHUCK?

DEAD.

THE OTTER

WITH THE BANJO?

DEAD.

[BELCHES]

DO YOU REALIZE

WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

YOU HAVE LITERALLY

PUSHED ME OFF A CLIFF!

YOU HAVE LITERALLY

PUSHED ME TO MY DEATH!

I AM LITERALLY DEAD

THANKS TO YOU.

ME?!

LOOK, I'M NOT THE ONE

WHO HOOKED UP

WITH THE BEASTIE BOYS

FOR AN OUT-OF-STATE

DRINKING BINGE!

THAT IS SO UNFAIR!

I ONLY HAD ONE DRINK.

EVERYONE ELSE

HAD, LIKE, 5.

OH, WELL, GREAT.

THEN YOU WERE SOBER

COMPARED TO THE BOY

WHO WAS GOING TO BE

DRIVING YOU HOME

TO YOUR CERTAIN DEATH!

OH, YOU ARE

SO EMBARRASSING,

I AM LITERALLY

DYING OF EMBARRASSMENT!

YOU KNOW, I REALLY WISH

YOU WOULD LOOK UP

THE WORD LITERALLY,

BECAUSE--

AAH--AAH!

WHY ARE YOU GUYS

FIGHTING?

WE'RE NOT FIGHTING.

AM I GOING TO BE

PUT IN A FOSTER HOME?

POTENTIALLY.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING, DAD!

HA HA HA.

OH, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT DO YOU THINK

YOU'RE DOING?

I'M GOING OUT.

OK, EVEN YOU

DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

I TRUSTED YOU.

YOU TRUSTED ME?

AND WITH

A STRAIGHT FACE. WHOO!

I'M SPENDING THE NIGHT

AT ALLISON'S.

IN FACT, YOU'RE NOT.

OH, I'M NOT, AM I?

NO. IN FACT, YOU ARE

STAYING IN THIS ROOM

UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

[SCOFFS]

WHAT, ARE YOU

GOING TO MAKE ME?

IT COULD HAPPEN.

I AM LITERALLY

GOING INSANE!

ALL RIGHT! GOOD USAGE!

NOW LET ME

GO TO ALLISON'S.

NO!

YOU CAN'T STOP ME.

YES, I CAN!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

WHEN I HEAR THE WHOLE STORY

OUT LOUD, IT JUST...

MAKES ME REALIZE

THAT I'M THE WORST

DAD IN THE WORLD.

COME ON. YOU'RE

NOT EVEN THE WORST

DAD IN THIS HOUSE.

WHAT WOULD

YOU HAVE DONE?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I NEVER KNOW.

I GUESS

YOUR BARRICADE IS

AS GOOD AS ANYTHING.

YEAH. THING IS,

YOU KNOW, I--

I DON'T WANT

TO BE THE KIND OF GUY

WHO SCOLDS HIS KID

FOR GETTING DRUNK

AT ACTION MOUNTAIN.

I WANT TO BE

THE GUY GETTING DRUNK

AT ACTION MOUNTAIN.

WHAT ARE YOU

DOING TUESDAY?

I GOT A JOB.

I GOT KIDS TO FEED.

OH. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL CALL KENNY, THEN.

I KNOW. I KNOW, BABY,

THAT YOU WANT

TO BE THE DRUNK GUY

AT ACTION MOUNTAIN.

BELIEVE ME,

I WANT TO BE THE GIRL

THAT HOLDS HIS HAIR BACK

WHEN HE PUKES.

BUT WE GOT A WHOLE BUNCH

OF KIDS HERE,

SO WE GOT

TO STICK IT OUT

UNTIL THEY GROW UP OR...

RUN AWAY.

GOD, WHO

ARE WE KIDDING?

THEY'RE NEVER

GOING TO RUN AWAY.

NO, I MEANT US.

OH, COME ON. SHE'S GOING

TO GET INTO TROUBLE.

IT'S INEVITABLE.

SHE'S GOING TO

RUN AROUND WITH BOYS.

SHE'S 14 YEARS OLD!

I KNOW

SHE'S 14 YEARS OLD.

DO YOU REALIZE

IN 4 SHORT YEARS, SHE

WILL BE THE SAME AGE

I WAS WHEN YOU GOT ME

PREGNANT WITH HER?

I BETTER GO

TALK TO HER.

GO TALK TO HER.

OK, LILY. I THINK

YOU'VE LEARNED

YOUR LESSON, SO, UH...

I'M GONNA UNBARRICADE

YOUR DOOR NOW.

HO, NO, NO!

OH, NO, MISSY!

OH, NO, NO.

I AM NOT LOCKED OUT!

YOU ARE LOCKED IN!

UH!

[CRASH]

HEY!

CAN I HELP YOU?

UH, UH...YEAH!

YEAH, LILY.

ABOUT TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU ARE A MINOR. OK?

AND I OWN YOU.

AND THE COPS WILL

TOTALLY BACK ME UP

ON THIS.

SO AS LONG AS

THAT'S THE CASE,

I'M JUST ASKING THAT

YOU STAY, A--ALIVE,

AND B--NOT PREGNANT.

DAD, I'M NOT DUMB.

I GET IT.

YOU DIDN'T

HAVE TO EMBARRASS ME.

COME ON. EMBARRASS YOU

IN FRONT OF THOSE GUYS?

LIL, THEY WERE

DRINKING SHAMPOO.

HUH? ALL RIGHT.

YEAH.

SO, IF YOU'RE

GOING TO RAISE HELL,

DO IT WITH

THE SMART KIDS.

THAT WAY, YOU

DON'T GET CAUGHT,

I DON'T HAVE TO

FIND OUT ABOUT IT.

ALL RIGHT.

SO ARE WE COOL?

WE COOL.

COME HERE.

OK, I'M GOING

TO ALLISON'S.

OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT!

AAH!

HA HA HA HA!

WE'RE GOOD.

YEAH?

LET ME GUESS.

YOU APOLOGIZED, THEN

THE HUGGING STARTED.

NO, DAD. I TOLD HER

HOW THINGS WERE GOING TO BE,

AND SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT,

BUT SHE RESPECTED IT.

HEY, HONEY!

I'M DYEING MY HAIR.

TH--THAT BOX IS BLUE.

SHE THINKS

THAT'S GOING TO BUG ME,

BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO.

HONEY, PLEASE DON'T

DYE YOUR HAIR BLUE.

PLEASE!

I GOT TO HAND IT

TO YOU, SON.

YOU HANDLED THIS

VERY POORLY.

COME ON, DAD.

GIVE HIM A BREAK.

WE USED TO GET AWAY

WITH MURDER

BEHIND YOUR BACK.

REMEMBER THAT POT PLANT

WE HAD GROWING

BEHIND THE HOUSE?

IT WAS,

LIKE, 6 FEET TALL.

'SCUSE ME?

WHAT, WE NEVER

JOKED AROUND

ABOUT THIS BEFORE?

NO. NO.

I'M CALLING

THE POLICE.

IT WAS A JOKE, DAD.

YEAH, I'M

NOT JOKING.

I WAS JOKING!

MOM, LET'S SAY

CHRISTINA AND I

WERE TO GET TICKETS

TO SEE

THE FOO FIGHTERS

AT THE GARDEN.

SHOULD I TELL YOU

ABOUT IT OR NOT?

YEAH, YOU SHOULD

TELL ME YOU'RE GOING,

BUT YOU SHOULD TELL ME

CHRISTINA'S MOM'S

GOING WITH YOU.

MMM. OK.

SO DO YOU

HAVE TICKETS TO

THE FOO FIGHTERS?

YEAH, BUT CHRISTINA'S

MOM IS GOING.

SERIOUSLY?

YES, MOM.

OK. GOOD. HAVE FUN.

OK. THANKS.

IS HER MOM

SERIOUSLY GOING?

YES!