Original subtitles

FORGIVE ME, FATHER,

FOR I HAVE SINNED.

IT'S BEEN...

OH, A LONG TIME

SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION.

Father:

HOW LONG?

WOULD YOU BE MAD

IF I SAID 10 YEARS?

OF COURSE NOT.

GOOD, 'CAUSE

IT'S BEEN 15.

OOH.

SEE, I GOT MY GIRLFRIEND

PREGNANT IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND I KNOW

THAT'S YOUR CLASSIC

CONFESSION SITUATION,

BUT THEN

THINGS GOT SO CRAZY.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS

WITH KIDS, AND--

OK, PROBABLY

YOU DON'T.

WHAT ARE

YOU CONFESSING?

OK, I'M NOT SO MUCH

CONFESSING AS COMPLAINING.

YOU KNOW SISTER--

SISTER HELEN?

YOU KNOW, THE PRINCIPAL

OVER AT THE SCHOOL?

WELL, I NEED AN ALLY

TO HELP ME DEFEAT HER.

WE GENERALLY DON'T

TRY TO DEFEAT NUNS.

WELL, IT'S BECAUSE OF HER

THAT MY DAUGHTER

CAN'T EVEN GO

TO SCHOOL ANYMORE.

I MEAN, SHE HAS IT OUT

FOR ALL MY KIDS,

AND THEY'RE NOT BAD KIDS.

I MEAN, NOT LIKE I WAS

WHEN I WENT TO SCHOOL THERE.

YOU KNOW,

ONE TIME, FATHER,

ME AND

THIS BUDDY OF MINE,

WE LET A GOAT LOOSE

DURING MIDNIGHT MASS.

SEAN?

[LOWERS VOICE]

HUH? UH, NO, NO.

SEAN?

SEAN FINNERTY?

TIM?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

OH, MY GOD.

REMEMBER?

WE WERE STANDING

IN THE BACK

AND WE WERE LIKE,

♪ DOO DOO DOO ♪

AND THE GOAT WENT DOWN

AND FATHER O'BRIEN

TURNED AROUND AND HE WENT

MAAAH!

MAAAH!

I CAN'T--A PRIEST?

COME ON, YOU WERE THE ONE

WHO THOUGHT OF THE GOAT.

YEAH.

MAAAH!

OK, LET'S STOP

DOING THAT.

HEY, LIL.

HI.

WHY ARE YOU IN

YOUR PAJAMAS

ALREADY?

YOU MEAN, WHY

AM I IN MY

PAJAMAS STILL?

YOU DIDN'T

GO TO SCHOOL?

I'M NEVER GOING

TO SCHOOL AGAIN.

I'M GONNA SIT

ON THIS COUCH

AND EAT HOT

POCKETS FOR

THE REST OF MY LIFE.

LIKE AUNT MAUREEN.

AUNT MAUREEN

WOULD NEVER FIT

ON THAT COUCH.

TOMORROW I'M GOING

TO THE ANIMAL SHELTER

AND GETTING

A WHOLE BUNCH OF CATS.

NO.

TOMORROW, YOU'RE

GOING TO SCHOOL.

I CAN'T GO BACK

TO SCHOOL.

I'M DESPISED.

ALL MY FRIENDS HATE ME.

WELL, SCHOOL

IS NOT A POPULARITY CONTEST.

YES, IT IS.

I KNOW.

YOU JUST, WHAT,

SAT AROUND DOING

NOTHING ALL DAY?

NO. I GOT

AN EXTENSION CORD

SO I COULD MOVE

THE MICROWAVE

NEXT TO THE COUCH.

[MICROWAVE BEEPS]

AH, MY ONLY FRIEND

IS CALLING ME.

UH-UH.

GET ALL THIS STUFF

BACK UP TO YOUR ROOM.

NOT THE MICROWAVE.

GROSS.

HEY, CLAUD,

CLAUD, CLAUD!

GUESS WHO THE CAT

DRAGGED IN!

TIMMY SHEEHAN?

OH, MY GOD!

LOOK AT YOU,

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

WHAT HAVE YOU

BEEN DOING?

I'M A PRIEST.

THE HELL

YOU ARE!

WOW.

LET ME GET THAT.

HOW COME NOBODY

EVER BELIEVES

I'M A PRIEST?

WELL, YOU DIDN'T

ALWAYS ACT

VERY PRIESTLY.

I KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE SAYING.

HEY, HEY, TIM, COME ON.

RELAX. SIT DOWN.

TIM HERE IS GONNA

HELP ME GET EVEN

WITH SISTER HELEN.

UM, YOU KNOW,

WHEN YOU PHRASE IT

LIKE THAT, SEAN,

IT KINDA MAKES ME

FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

OH, MAN, WE'RE

GONNA SMITE HER!

OK, STOP.

LOOK, TIM, YOU'RE

GONNA BE SO ON OUR SIDE

WHEN YOU HEAR

WHAT HAPPENED.

LILY, OUR DAUGHTER,

SHE HAD A PROBLEM

AT SCHOOL.

INCOMING, BABE.

HELLO.

AREN'T YOU

GOING TO ASK ME

WHY I'M LATE?

ARE YOU LATE?

I HAD DETENTION,

THANK YOU.

OH, MAN!

GOD, NOT ANOTHER MEETING

WITH SISTER HELEN.

ANOTHER MEETING?

WE TEND TO HAVE

A LOT OF MEETINGS

WITH SISTER HELEN.

WE'D JUST BEEN THERE

ON ACCOUNT OF JIMMY.

JIMMY HAS BEEN

EXTREMELY DISRUPTIVE

IN CLASS,

AND WE'RE ALL

A BIT CONCERNED.

WELL, HE'S BEEN

JUST FINE AT HOME.

YEAH,

TOTALLY NORMAL.

JIMMY, TELL THEM

WHAT YOU TOLD

YOUR TEACHER.

I'M POSSESSED BY SATAN!

POSSESSED BY SATAN?

WELL,

HE'S NOT REALLY.

GOOD TO KNOW.

JIMMY'S

NOT THE PROBLEM.

THE PROBLEM

IS SISTER HELEN'S

OUT TO GET LILY,

AND I JUST

NEEDED THE PROOF.

SHE SAID

MY SKIRT'S

TOO SHORT.

WELL, IS YOUR SKIRT

TOO SHORT?

YES!

WELL?

EVERYBODY'S

SKIRT'S SHORT.

IF I WORE IT

THEIR WAY, I'D

BE A TOTAL FREAK.

IT'S ALWAYS

THE SKIRT!

DON'T THOSE NUNS

HAVE ANYTHING

BETTER TO DO?

WAIT A MINUTE.

IF EVERYBODY'S SKIRT

WAS TOO SHORT,

WHY IS SHE

SINGLING YOU OUT?

BECAUSE I'M NOT

ONE OF HER LITTLE

GOODY-GOODY PRINCESSES.

LILY.

I SEE THAT YOU

HAVEN'T VOLUNTEERED

FOR THE WALK-A-THON.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, YOU KNOW

WE'RE GOING

TO USE THE MONEY

TO BUY A STATUE

OF SAINT FINIAN,

SO I WAS JUST

WONDERING WHY YOU

HADN'T VOLUNTEERED.

TCH. UM,

IT'S VOLUNTARY.

WELL, YES, BUT WE'RE

STRONGLY ENCOURAGING

FULL PARTICIPATION.

SO THE VOLUNTARY

WALK-A-THON

IS MANDATORY?

HA HA.

OF COURSE NOT.

WE'RE NOT ASKING YOU

TO DO ANYTHING YOU

DON'T WANT TO DO.

WE'RE

JUST URGING YOU

TO WANT TO DO THIS.

AND I'D REALLY

LIKE TO WANT TO.

I JUST DON'T.

YOU CAN'T TALK

TO A NUN LIKE THAT.

COME ON, WHY NOT?

THEY'RE PEOPLE JUST

LIKE YOU AND ME.

OK, THEY'RE

NOTHING LIKE YOU.

YEAH, I'D LIKE

A CAR STEREO,

BUT 40 BUCKS,

HOW GOOD COULD IT BE?

WELL, THIS GUY

DOESN'T HAVE

A STORE.

HE PASSES

THE SAVINGS

ON TO YOU.

GUYS, GUYS. COME ON,

COME ON, GUYS.

WE HAVE COMPANY.

TIM, YOU REMEMBER

MY DAD AND

MY BROTHER EDDIE?

TIMMY SHEEHAN,

A MAN OF

THE CLOTH!

HEY, TIMMY.

HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT, ARE YOU HERE

TO SEE CLAUDIA?

NO!

DIDN'T YOU GUYS

HAVE A THING

IN HIGH SCHOOL?

I SEEM TO RECALL

THE THING.

IT WASN'T A THING.

IT WAS

A HOT THING.

YOU HAD A THING

WITH A PRIEST?

IT WASN'T A THING

AND HE WASN'T

A PRIEST!

A PRIEST!

I KNEW IT.

BUT YOU SAID

I WASN'T POSSESSED!

YOU'RE NOT.

BUT WHY IS A PRIEST HERE?

JIMMY,

HE'S AN OLD FRIEND

OF OURS--TIMMY.

YOU GUYS JUST

GO UPSTAIRS. GO.

I CAN'T BE ALONE.

THAT'S WHEN THE DEMONS

TELL ME TO DO THINGS.

OK. COME ON,

GO. GO.

SO WHY

DON'T YOU TELL

THE GOOD FATHER

WHY YOUR SON'S

IMAGINARY FRIEND

IS NAMED

BEELZEBUB?

DAD, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

HENRY, THE LITTLE GUY,

HE WANTED

TO GO TO THAT MOVIE

WHERE THERE'S A PONY

WHO THINKS HE'S A BIRD.

I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

I'M GONNA KILL YOU,

AND THEN I'M GONNA

KILL MYSELF.

Pony: HERE I GO!

Bird:

BUT YOUR FEATHERS

ARE MADE OF HAY!

MAGIC HAY!

I WISH I HAD

SOME MAGIC HAY.

I'LL NEVER BE A BIRD!

DO YOU LIKE

THIS MOVIE?

OH, YEAH.

I THINK IT'S GREAT.

HA HA HA HA!

I THINK

IT SUCKS.

THANK GOD. LET'S GO.

SO WHERE

ARE WE GOING?

LET'S SNEAK INTO

THE MOVIE NEXT DOOR.

WHAT WAS THE MOVIE

NEXT DOOR?

THE EXORCIST.

Deep voice growling:

OOOOOOHHH.

Henry: WOW!

HER HEAD GOES

ALL THE WAY AROUND...

LIKE AN OWL!

LOOK! SHE CAN FLY!

UNLIKE

THAT STUPID PONY.

[SCARY SOUNDS]

DO YOU AND EDDIE

EVER THINK

BEFORE YOU ACT?

WE WERE ONLY

AT THE MOVIE FOR

ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR.

CAN WE AT LEAST

TURN OFF THE LIGHT?

NO!

ARE WE SURE

HE ISN'T POSSESSED?

YES.

BECAUSE,

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES

IT GETS COLD IN HERE

FOR NO REASON.

I TURN

THE THERMOSTAT

DOWN.

BUT WHO'S

MAKING YOU DO IT?

LILY.

HOW ABOUT

A LITTLE RESPECT

FOR THE GOOD FATHER?

HOT POCKET, FATHER?

FATHER TIM IS AN OLD

FRIEND OF THE FAMILY'S.

HE KNEW YOU WHEN

YOU WERE JUST A BULGE

IN YOUR MOTHER'S

GRADUATION DRESS.

IF YOU'RE HERE

TO GET ME TO GO

BACK TO SCHOOL,

YOU'D BETTER ACT FAST,

'CAUSE IN A COUPLE

OF WEEKS,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE

TO TAKE DOWN A WALL

AND USE A FORKLIFT

TO GET ME OUT

OF THIS HOUSE.

OH, MAN.

DID I NOT TELL YOU?

SISTER HELEN HAS DONE

THIS TO MY BABY GIRL.

DON'T LIE

TO A PRIEST, HONEY.

THE HEM OF THE SKIRT

MAY FALL AS MANY AS

BUT NO MORE THAN

2 INCHES ABOVE

THE KNEE,

PROVIDED THAT IN

THE SEATED POSITION

THE HEM RISES NO MORE

THAN ONE ADDITIONAL INCH

FROM THAT POINT.

YOUR DAUGHTER SEEMS

TO HAVE A PROBLEM

WITH THAT.

YES. BUT

LET ME ASSURE YOU,

WE ARE TAKING STEPS

TO REMEDY THE SITUATION.

WELL, I JUST HOPE

THESE STEPS INCLUDE

BUYING A LONGER SKIRT.

OK. TIME TO LEAVE.

WHAT IS IT?

WHY DO YOU HAVE IT

OUT FOR ME AND

MY ENTIRE FAMILY?

SEAN--

I DON'T. I TREAT

ALL STUDENTS EQUALLY.

AND BY THE WAY,

I WOULD

HAVE IT IN FOR

YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY.

EXCUSE ME?

YOU SAID I HAVE IT

OUT FOR YOUR FAMILY.

THE CORRECT USAGE

IS IN.

NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S OUT.

OUT, AS IN YOU'RE

OUT TO GET ME.

YOU WOULDN'T SAY

YOU'RE IN TO GET ME.

MR. FINNERTY,

YOU DIDN'T COME HERE

TO ARGUE SEMANTICS.

I DIDN'T COME HERE FOR IT,

BUT I'M STAYING FOR IT.

WELL, I CAN ASSURE YOU

THAT I DON'T HAVE IT IN

OR OUT FOR LILY.

HER SKIRT

WAS SIMPLY TOO SHORT.

OH, GOD, WHAT IS IT

WITH YOU NUNS

AND YOUR SKIRTS?

MRS. FINNERTY--

GUESS WHAT, LADY.

WOMEN HAVE LEGS.

I HAVE LEGS.

GET USED TO IT!

YES, I CAN SEE

YOUR LEGS.

MM-HMM. AND

I HAVE GREAT LEGS.

AND YOU CAN'T KEEP ME

FROM SHOWING 'EM.

HA HA! LOOK!

LOOK AT MY LEGS!

I HAVE OTHER MATTERS

TO ATTEND TO.

GOOD EVENING.

WRONG AGAIN!

IT'S GOOD

AFTERNOON!

EVENING

STARTS AT 6:00!

HA HA HA!

BURN! OW!

WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE

LILY'S SKIRT WAS TOO SHORT.

IT'S NOT THAT SHORT.

THE BOYS WERE LOOKING

AT HER WITH THOUGHTS!

HER SKIRTS ARE NO SHORTER

THAN MINE WERE.

OH, YEAH.

AND YOU GRADUATED

MAGNA CUM BABY.

I THOUGHT

YOU LOOKED TERRIFIC

IN THOSE SKIRTS.

[GIGGLES]

THANKS.

STILL DREAMING

OF THE ONE

THAT GOT AWAY,

HEY, PADRE?

COME ON! WE WENT

ON A COUPLE

OF DATES!

I'M SURE YOU DATED

LOTS OF GIRLS

AFTER ME, RIGHT?

ACTUALLY, NO.

YOU WERE MY LAST.

YOU DROVE HIM

TO CELIBACY!

CAN WE JUST TRY

TO STAY ON TOPIC

HERE, PLEASE?

YES, PLEASE.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU BOUGHT LILY

A LONGER SKIRT, AND--

NO, NO.

SISTER HELEN WAS OUT

TO GET MY FAMILY,

AND I JUST

HAD TO GET PROOF.

OH, YEAH.

THAT ONE RIGHT THERE.

HER SKIRT IS MUCH

SHORTER THAN LILY'S.

I'M ON IT.

COME ON.

HOLD ON.

COME ON, COME ON!

ARE YOU FINISHED?

COME ON!

THERE WAS DUST!

WHERE'D SHE GO?

SHE GRADUATED.

GOD--RIGHT THERE,

RIGHT THERE,

BY THE WATER FOUNTAIN.

PERFECT, PERFECT,

PERFECT!

ALL RIGHT.

I GOT IT.

THAT SKIRT

IS SHORTER THAN LILY'S.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

OH, GOD,

I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN

A DISPOSABLE CAMERA.

THOSE THINGS

ARE GARBAGE.

YOU--GIMME,

GIMME, GIMME!

OK. OK.

OH, GOOD.

OH, THAT IS--

OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH.

UH-HUH. MM-HMM.

OH. WE'RE JUST

TAKING PICTURES

OF THEIR SKIRTS.

THIS ISN'T FOR US.

IT'S FOR A NUN.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DOORBELL!

SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR!

HEY!

HEY!

Sean: GET OFF

YOUR LAZY BUTT

AND ANSWER

THE DAMN DOOR!

HELLO, BRAD.

WOW. YOU LOOK HOT!

SHUT UP.

I BROUGHT YOU

YOUR HOMEWORK.

I'M NOT GOING TO DO

MY HOMEWORK, BRAD.

I'M NEVER GOING

TO SCHOOL AGAIN

'CAUSE

EVERYBODY THERE

STILL HATES ME.

I STOOD UP FOR YOU.

YOU DID?

I--I WANTED TO!

HELLO, BRAD.

LILY, I

BROUGHT YOU SOME

CARROT STICKS.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,

PUT DOWN THAT

FIDDLE FADDLE!

NO!

BRAD, TAKE HER

OUTSIDE FOR

SOME FRESH AIR.

GRANDPA, I'M NEVER

LEAVING THE HOUSE,

JUST LIKE AUNT MAUREEN.

I'M EVEN GONNA

BUY MY CAT CHOW

ON THE INTERNET.

OHH. YOU DON'T WANNA

GO THAT WAY, LILY.

SOME DAY

YOUR AUNT MAUREEN

IS GONNA DIE,

AND THOSE CATS

ARE GONNA EAT HER.

SO IT'S KIND OF FUNNY,

ISN'T IT,

ME BEING YOUR LAST...

TEMPTATION?

HA HA! YEAH!

I MEAN,

IT WASN'T ME, RIGHT?

I MEAN,

THERE WASN'T, LIKE,

A LACK OF...

QUALITY...

ON MY PART, RIGHT?

CLAUDIA,

THAT WAS 15 YEARS AGO.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE

A HUSBAND AND KIDS NOW.

OK, YOU'RE NOT

ANSWERING MY QUESTION.

HEY, JIMMY?

[SATANIC VOICE]

JIMMY'S NOT HERE!

OK, SATAN IS NOT

SPEAKING THROUGH YOU.

[SATANIC VOICE]

I JUST WANT TO KNOW

WHAT IT'S

GONNA SOUND LIKE

WHEN HE STARTS.

[SATANIC VOICE]

HEY.

THIS IS

KIND OF COOL!

[SATANIC VOICE]

SHUT UP!

YOU'RE NOT

POSSESSED.

I AM.

UM...HAVE YOU TRIED

TALKING TO JIMMY

ABOUT THIS?

OH, I TRIED,

BUT IT KIND OF

BACKFIRED ON ME.

OK, JIMMY, YOU'RE NOT

POSSESSED BY SATAN

BECAUSE

THERE IS NO SATAN.

MY DAD SAYS THERE'S

NO SUCH THING AS SATAN,

WHICH MEANS THERE'S

NO SUCH THING AS HELL,

WHICH MEANS

YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT,

SO GO RIGHT AHEAD!

SIN ALL YOU LIKE!

AND YOU WONDER WHY

SISTER HELEN HAS IT IN

FOR YOUR FAMILY?

OUT. SHE HAS IT OUT

FOR MY FAMILY,

AND I COULDN'T

HAVE FORESEEN THAT.

AND ANYTHING I DID

JUST MADE IT WORSE...

LIKE THE PICTURES.

THERE.

WHAT?

OPEN IT.

THESE ARE PHOTOS

OF GIRLS' LEGS.

AND WHAT DO YOU SEE?

I SEE A PROFOUNDLY

TROUBLED YOUNG MAN.

NO. IN THE PICTURES.

THOSE ARE

OUR PLAID SKIRTS.

THANK YOU,

AND THE SKIRTS ARE ALL

3 INCHES ABOVE THEIR KNEES.

NOT REGULATION,

AND YET ONLY ONE STUDENT

HAS BEEN PUNISHED FOR THAT,

AND WHO IS THAT?

LILY FINNERTY?

AHA! YOU'VE

SINGLED HER OUT.

THIS IS PERSECUTION.

YOU'VE TURNED MY DAUGHTER

INTO A MARTYR.

MR. FINNERTY, A MARTYR

IS SOMEONE WHO DIES

FOR THEIR FAITH.

I MEAN, NOT LITERALLY

A MARTYR. I--

I DON'T EVEN THINK

SHE'S FIGURATIVELY

A MARTYR.

LOOK. LOOK.

THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

THE ONLY THING

THAT'S IMPORTANT IS

THAT YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG

AND YOU DO

SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

VERY WELL, MR. FINNERTY.

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION

THAT I HAVE BEEN UNFAIR.

I'VE PUNISHED ONE GIRL

FOR BREAKING A RULE

WHEN, IN FACT, ALL THE GIRLS

HAVE BROKEN THAT RULE.

IF YOU CANNOT BE TRUSTED

TO WEAR YOUR SKIRTS

AT A LENGTH

APPROPRIATE TO YOUR AGE,

THEN PERHAPS YOU

SHOULD DRESS LIKE

THE YOUNGER GIRLS DO--

IN THE JUMPER,

AND FOR BRINGING THIS

TO MY ATTENTION,

I'D LIKE TO THANK

LILY FINNERTY.

DO YOU SEE

WHAT I'M UP AGAINST?

I HAD SISTER HELEN

DEAD TO RIGHTS,

AND SHE STILL WOULDN'T

ADMIT SHE WAS WRONG.

SHE'S NOT WRONG.

NUNS ARE MADE

INFALLIBLE BY GOD.

THAT'S THE POPE, AND

ONLY IF HE'S SITTING IN

THE CHAIR OF SAINT PETER.

WHAT, I CAN'T

KNOW STUFF? COME ON.

WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT

TO MAKE.

BRAD, GET IN HERE.

SINCE MY ACADEMIC

CAREER IS OVER

AND, AS A RESULT,

MY LIFE IS PRETTY

MUCH RUINED,

I'VE MADE A DECISION.

BRAD IS GOING TO ASK ME

TO MARRY HIM.

I AM?

YES.

WHAT?

HEY, HEY, H-H-H-HEY,

HEY, CONGRATULATIONS.

UH-UH-UH-UH-UH. YOU

ARE NOT GETTIN' MARRIED.

WHY SHOULDN'T I, DAD?

YOU'VE DESTROYED ALL MY

OTHER CHOICES IN LIFE,

AND YOU AND MOM HAVE SET

A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR ME.

IF I CAN'T GET

A GOOD EDUCATION,

I MIGHT AS WELL

GET PREGNANT.

I'M GONNA

GET YOU PREGNANT?

WIPE THAT SMIRK

OFF YOUR FACE.

TIM, SHE'S BEING DRAMATIC.

NO, I'M NOT. YOU

WANT TO KNOW WHAT

MY LIFE HAS BECOME,

THANKS

TO THE JUMPERS?

[LOCKERS SLAM]

[LAUGHTER AND TALKING]

OH, MY GOD. HA HA!

[ABRUPT SILENCE]

[DISGUSTED SIGH]

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY

THEY CALL 'EM JUMPERS?

FOLLOW ME

UP TO THE ROOF,

AND I'LL SHOW YOU.

RELAX. LILY,

WE GOT FATHER TIM,

AND HE'S GONNA WAGE

A HOLY WAR ON OUR BEHALF.

RIGHT, TIM?

SEAN, MAN,

I WANT TO HELP YOU.

I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU,

BUT YOU JUST

GOT TO UNDERSTAND,

YOU'RE SO TOTALLY WRONG.

I'M NOT WRONG.

FACE IT. TO TAKE HER

ON, YOU HAVE TO HAVE

AN AIRTIGHT CASE,

AND FRANKLY,

YOUR CASE SUCKS.

YOU CAN SAY "SUCKS"?

I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU'RE GONNA

TAKE HER SIDE.

I'M SORRY.

YEAH.

I'M SORRY, TOO.

SEAN. MAAAAAH?

MAAAAAH.

OK. CLAUDIA,

IT WAS NICE TO SEE YOU.

OH, IT WAS GOOD

TO SEE YOU, TOO.

THAT WAS AWKWARD.

YEAH.

OK.

BYE.

THAT WAS REAL SMOOTH.

IT WASN'T ON PURPOSE.

WELL, THAT WORKED OUT

GREAT, DAD.

LOOK. IF YOU HAD NOT

SHORTENED YOUR SKIRT,

I WOULD NEVER

HAVE BEEN INVOLVED.

LOOK, I WAS RIGHT, OK?

I COULDN'T LET SISTER

HELEN GET AWAY WITH IT.

DO YOU KNOW

WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW

WHEN TO GIVE IN.

YOU MEAN GIVE UP.

NO, I MEAN GIVE IN,

AS IN SUBMIT,

MAKE CONCESSIONS,

WHICH IS SOMETHING

YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE.

NO. IN THIS CASE,

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT

SURRENDERING,

WHICH IS UP,

NOT IN.

NO, NO, NOPE.

"IN" IS MORE PRECISE.

OK, THEN. "IN" YOURS.

OH! OH!

GOD, WILL YOU TWO

STOP IT?

YOU ARE

TWO OF A KIND.

THAT'S SO NOT--

THAT'S

SO INSULTING, I--

OK. YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M WRONG.

NEITHER ONE OF YOU

HAVE RIDICULOUS

AUTHORITY PROBLEMS,

AND NEITHER ONE OF

YOU ARE UNBEARABLY

STUBBORN.

SILLY ME.

I'M JUST GONNA

GO UPSTAIRS AND

LENGTHEN A SKIRT.

UH, LOOK,

EXORCISM IS NOT

PART OF MY TRAINING.

I, UH, I THINK

IT'S KIND OF OLD SCHOOL.

COME ON, TIM.

YOU'LL REALLY BE

HELPING OUT OUR FAMILY.

OK.

UH, BY THE POWER

VESTED IN ME

BY, UH...

THE STATE OF NEW YORK,

I HEREBY REQUEST

THAT SATAN VACATE THIS,

YOU KNOW, BOY.

AND HERE'S

THE HOLY WATER.

AH! [CLEARS THROAT]

[GROANS] IT BURNS!

HEY, THAT WAS MY VODKA.

DID IT WORK?

HAS SATAN LEFT MY BODY?

YEAH. HE BOLTED.

EDDIE, WHY DON'T YOU

WASH THE HOLY WATER

OUT OF HIS EYES?

COME ON. COME ON.

IT'S ALL OVER.

IT'S ALL OVER NOW.

WELL DONE, FATHER.

I JUST THREW VODKA

IN A CHILD'S FACE.

WELL, THE LORD WORKS

IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

SO, WHAT AM I

SUPPOSED TO DO?

JUST LET

SISTER HELEN WIN?

I KNOW

IT'S EATIN' YOU.

YEAH.

WELL, LOOK.

I'VE FOUND THAT

IN THESE KINDS

OF SITUATIONS

THAT YOU HAVE

2 CHOICES, OK?

YOU CAN DO SOMETHING

DESTRUCTIVE AND

VENGEFUL AND STUPID,

OR YOU CAN JUST

LET IT GO, HMM?

YEAH.

WHOO! WHOO!

HA HA!

HA HA!

HEE HEE!

DID YOU

GET THE MIRRORS?

BOTH OF 'EM.

THAT'S MY GIRL.

GOODBYE SISTER, SEE

YOU TOMORROW.

OH, GOD, I THINK

I SEE HER COMING.

COME ON. COME ON.

TSK TSK TSK TSK TSK.

[WHISPERS]

Look at her face.

Look at her face.

[CHUCKLES QUIETLY]

SO ARE WE GONNA

SET A DATE OR WHAT?

BRAD, WE'RE NOT

GETTING MARRIED.

I WAS USING YOU.

THAT'S OK.

YOU CAN GO HOME NOW.

CALL ME.

NO.

OK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.

WE HAVE A LITTLE

CONFLICT AT THE SCHOOL,

AND YOU HANDLE IT

WITH TOILET PAPER

AND SHAVING CREAM.

OH, YEAH, AND YOU

HANDLED IT SO WELL.

"LOOK AT MY LEGS,

MY BEAUTIFUL LEGS.

WHOO!"

YOU WISH

YOU HAD MY LEGS.

FATHER TIM WISHES

HE HAD YOUR LEGS.

SHUT UP! HA HA!