Original subtitles

Meet your new god.

Wow. That thing is the bane of our existence.

Ryan is a nut for sports and movies.

I am talking hours and hours every single day.

Yeah, well, she never met a home improvement show she didn't like, so--

I am nowhere near as bad as you.

Oh, here we go again.

Karen and I used to fight a lot about the TV, too.

I mean, we weren't fighting, Scott. We don't fight.

Oh, I didn't mean to imply--

No. Forget it. Nothing's been implied.

Hey, let's go set this bad boy up, huh? Okay.

TV make man happy. [laughs]

It's so funny you thought that was fighting, Scott.

Hysterical. [chuckles] [chuckles]

♪♪ [rock]

And I kid you not, he was the cutest boy in mathletes.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Well, fractions gave me a hard time,

but, uh, she helped me out, so...

And we've been together ever since. Yeah.

Since 7th grade? [both] Yep.

We made a solemn vow 14 years ago

that we would spend the rest of our lives together.

Yes, we did. I just consider myself so lucky

that I met my soul mate at such a young age, you know?

I know so many people

that spend so much of their lives searching,

just feeling empty and unfulfilled.

What?

Her?

Excuse me?

The girl at the bar

you're making the giggedy-giggedy eyes at.

[clears throat]

Scott, you can do better than her.

She's a bar skank.

[laughs] Rowr.

I mean, you're probably right, but it was a little catty.

But true. Scott, when you are ready to start dating again,

we will hook you up.

Oh-ho-ho! Debra Schmidt.

Exactly who I was thinking!

Yeah. I love you right now!

I'm not really looking for a fix-up right now.

I just...

You what? Mary, please.

Don't-- Don't push him.

Ryan, I'm not pushing. It's not a big deal.

See, I just tend to get too serious too fast.

I mean, I just rush it.

I'm always looking for the guarantee.

Well, you gotta stop falling so hard so fast, Scotty.

Yeah, stop doing that.

Anuptaphobia. Fear if being alone.

That's all it is. Mm-hmm. Perfectly normal.

It's only been two months since Karen,

and I figure the best thing to do is just lay low for a while.

Amen to that, brother.

We will not let you rush into anything.

Oh. Oh. Oh. What time is it?

Shots o'clock! It is.

Hey. It's drinks 30.

Boys.

Cheers. [together] Night Court.

[Mary] Ay, ay, ay!

Just like Grandma used to make. [Ryan laughs]

[phone ringing]

[laughter]

Oh! Hello!

Yes. Hello, Karen.

I've heard a lot about you. Hey--

Well, Scott--

Stop tickling me.

Scott's too busy to talk right now.

He's busy with me.

Well, if you have a message you'd like me to pass on

to Scott for you, I'd be more than happy to.

Uh-huh.

[whispering] Mary--

You hope he understands.

Why? Because his understanding would alleviate your guilt

and the knowledge that you let a great man get away?

Who am I? I'm someone who cares.

Let's leave it at that, shall we? Mm-hmm.

Okay. Thanks. Bye.

[beeps off] Oops.

Ohh! Mary, that was-- that was so cruel.

Oh, you say it like it's a bad thing.

No, it was brilliant.

But you should've let me talk to her.

Ah-ah-ah. No. Mm-mm.

Friends don't let friends talk to exes drunk.

Good point. Very, very good point.

What-- What are you writing?

It's a contract that under no circumstances

will we let you talk to your exes

while you are drunk.

And I am adding a clause--

Uh-huh. ...that states

that under no circumstances

will we allow you

to rush back into a relationship.

And if I do, you're legally responsible.

[together] Bingo.

Sign that!

Wow, guys.

Tonight has been great.

I really needed all this.

It's nothing, buddy.

That's what friends are for.

See you in the morning. Good night.

[Mary] Scott! We have a contract.

[Ryan] Don't make me put a Breathalyzer on that phone.

[door closes] [laughs]

[sighs]

[Mary] This is so fantastic. We really lucked out.

[Ryan]Yeah. I'm so happy here.

Me, too. I love you, honey.

Oh, I love you. Mmm.

Get naked and get in this bed.

Oh, I'm getting so fucking naked. [zipper unzips]

Oh, my God, it's beautiful! Oh-ho-ho!

You know it is! Oh!

It never ceases to amaze me. Baby! Oh, my God.

[both moaning] [bed banging]

Oh, get there. Get there. Right there.

[moaning continues] [banging continues]

Okay.

Smack my ass! [slapping]

Like that? Smack it! Oh, harder!

How do you like it? Ride it!

Riding it!

♪ Everyone is trying hard to see ♪

♪ Just what you got hiding up your sleeve ♪

♪ But it's never, ever gonna be ♪

[Mary] Show me your magic trick... [Ryan] ...backstabber bitch.

♪ You've got another set of plans ♪

♪ And they're a long way out

♪ Do you see yourself in paradise ♪

♪ Falling into space

♪ I cannot sleep

So it's no secret that this guy

is schtupping his assistant.

Naomi. Norma.

Naomi is the accounts manager.

Systems manager, dear.

The specifics of her title are hardly important, dear.

The point is-- The point is

if you're gonna tell a story,

you should do so properly, darling.

The point is that you don't absolutely

have to correct someone every single time

they make a microscopic mistake.

Guys, come on. All right? We're talking about

the juicy details of an inter-office affair, all right?

Let's just stay on topic.

Okay. So, you know those black lights

they use on crime scene shows?

Oh, my God. Look who it is.

Ted!

Nerissa!

[squeals]

Oh... No.

Yes. Yes. No. N--

We're just gonna say hi just for a minute. I don't want to.

I know, but that's what people do. Not without bullets.

Hi!

Hey! How have you guys been?

Probably perfect as ever, I suppose.

Exact-a-mundo.

We have been pretty fantastic. How about you two?

Just fine, Mary.

Nerissa went to UCLA, like us. Mm-hmm.

We met these two jokers at an alumni thing,

what, three, four years ago? Um...

Four years ago. I remember, because it was right around the time

that I had my IRS audit.

And when it rains, it pours, so... Okay.

Stop it.

Zing!