All language subtitles for Woody Woodpecker [2017]

Edited at https://subtitletools.com

SNORING AND WHILSTLING

SNORING CONTINUES

COUGHING AND YAWNING

LAUGHING AND SNORING

WOODY MUMBLES SLEEPILY:
Wood.

HE SMACKS LIPS

Peanut butter, oh yeah, peanut butter.

I love peanut butter.

LOUD RUMBLING

Huh? Did you hear that?

Yeah, me too! Better go check it out.

MAN RASPS:
Yeah, no poachin’.

WHOOSHING OF AIR

CRACKLING

Shh!

What ya gotta eat them
damn things for anyway?

You’re gonna rot your teeth.

Poachers! In my forest!
This oughta be fun. Game on.

HE LAUGHS WILDLY

Hello, boys! Guess who?

What in the hell kinda bird is that?
He sure is angry about somethin’.

NATE:
Well, he ain’t no eagle

but somebody will surely pay
to have it stuffed.

Guns, oh no! Whatever will I do?

Tom, tom, o/e’.l

Come on! That the best ya got?

Shoofl

Over here now!

Nice shot.
Now let’s try this with a moving target.

NATE:
Reload. Reload. Reload.

WOODY:
Yoo—hoo! Lookin’ for me?

Whoa. Too slow. Gotta go.

NATE: Over there. There he is.
- Marco... POLO!

Peek—a—boo! Over here!
- NATE: Gotcha

OK, boys, you got me fair and square.
I give up...

...not!

Nighty—night, boys.

Did ch—you...?

Choo.

HE GROANS

And I'm the one
with the brain the size of a walnut?

P—lease!

WOODY LAUGHS

CLAPPING

WORKERS:
Speech!Speech!Speech!

Alright, alright, alright, alright.
Now raise your glasses

and here’s to our victory
and here’s to our team.

Barb, come on in. Join the party.
- Actually, Lance, we need to talk.

LANCE:
Terminated?

| just won a case for this firm
worth millions and I'm being terminated?

And another thing,
since when do we need to be

so overly concerned
with the rights of Wildlife?

Wildlife don ’t vote.

Wi/d/ife don’t pay taxes!
Big Oil creates big jobs.

When’s the last time
you ever saw a bear create a job?

l...
- TABLET BEEPS

Barb, come on!

15 years of busting my butt for this firm

not to mention the biggest case
you’ve ever won

and you’re gonna fire me?

VANESSA:
erd?

They can’t do that.

Actually, turns out they can.

SHE SCOFFS
- We will sue.

Sue one of the toughest law firms
in the country?

Not a great idea.

Don’t worry, baby. I got a plan.

Are you going to smear them
on social media?

I was thinking something
a little more mature.

Oh.

My grandfather left me
an amazing piece of property

right up near the Canadian border.

We're going to create a country estate.

Look at me. Look what I'm wearing.
l... I can’t. I'm a city girl.

We're not gonna live in it;
We’re gonna flip it.

Take a huge profit.
I'm gonna start my own firm.

Success is the best revenge.

NATE: No... Nope. Mm.
- OTIS: That's it!

That's the one we saw!
- Ooh! Uh

"The... The Pileated Red—Crowned Woodpecker.
Thought to be extinct."

Ah, "last one sold
on the black market for..."

HE SPLUTTERS
Look at this

500,000 dollars.

OTIS: Holy moly!
I could buy me that blue suede tux...

or one of them monster trucks.

All I know is that bird is out there
in the woods someplace

just waitin’ for us to bag it.

Ah, home sweet home,
and no one around to bother me!

HE BURPS LOUDLY

This is gonna be great.

I gotta tell ya,
this is the first time in a long time

I'm actually excited about something.

SHE GASPS: Careful!
- KNOCKING

Oh.

Lance, look who's here.

May we come in?
- Course.

Hey, Tommy, how you doin’, bud?

LANCE SIGHS

LINDA: My dad is in the hospital.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I always liked your dad,
even though he hates my guts.

He doesn’t hate your guts.

No, he told me.
He actually said, “I hate your guts".

It's a little hard to misinterpret that.

Look, I'm leaving on a flight
to Philadelphia at ten o’clock.

I need your help.
I need you to watch Tommy for a while.

LANCE:
Uh...

I... if this were any other time,
I would be happy to help

but this is not any other time.

LOUD ROCK MUSIC FROM HEADPHONES
- LINDA: I’m sorry my dad didn’t ask

if it was convenient for you
before he had a stroke.

LANCE: We’re leaving first thing
in the morning

starting construction on a big project.

Can't you just take him with you?
- No. I have a family crisis.

You hardly ever see your son.

It is time for you to step up to the plate
and do your part.

You know what, I am sorry, Linda,
the timing is just really bad.

I can’t do it. I'm sorry.
I would like to help you, but I can't

and that's final.

My hands were tied. You saw that.
- Yeah, I know, but...

I'm not a kid person...

even when l was a kid.

LOUD ROCK MUSIC FROM HEADPHONES

# We 're gonna show #

# Everthing that /’m dead into #

# We ’re gonna be... #

TOMMY IMITATES DRUMS WITH MOUTH

I need a Xanny.
I feel a migraine coming on.

LANCE:
Hey, Tommy.

Tommy, take off your headphones, please.

Look, it’s not
that I don’t appreciate the drumming

because it’s...

...awesome, but can you maybe
drop it down a few decibels, please?

Fine. I won’t play ever again.

Happy now, Lance?

Lance? What happened to Dad?

I know you don’t want me here.

The only kid you want in your life
is your girlfriend.

You know what? Vanessa is not a kid.
She’s much...

...much older—ish than you are. Hey...

Look, your mom’s right.

We haven’t had a chance
to spend much time together lately, so...

why don’t you just look at this trip
as a opportunity to bond.

LOUD ROCK MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES

Good talking.

LANCE:
Well, we are here.

By here, do you mean,
the middle of nowhere?

Just wait ‘til you see it.

Pristine, untouched.

I cannot wait to get a bulldozer in here
and start building.

Pretty exciting, huh, bud?

Yay.

I'm telling you, baby

if a house on this site
does not quadruple our investment

I don’t know what will.

Come on, lemme show you.

VANESSA:
Uh, Lance, these shoes...

Baby, wait,
my shoes are not made for that!

LANCE: OK, so the front door
is gonna be somewhere about here

and then... boom!

Two—story vaulted ceilings,
stunning view of the river

opens up to a state—of—the—art kitchen.

TOMMY: Awesome!
- I know. Right?

I'm getting five bars!

Five bars, uh, that is awesome.

Ah!

LANCE:
Let’s go!

This place really needs to be fumigated.

WOODY:
Ooh—hoo—hoo—hoo!

Oh, campers, how do I love thee?

Let me count the ways.

There’s granola bars, corn chips,
ice cream, snack cakes, corn nuts

etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

INTRIGUING MUSIC

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Grill’s ready.

Don’t you dare post that.
- TOMMY: Too late.

Hashtag epic dad grill fail.

Oh, it is so coffee o’clock.

LANCE: Will you make me
a double macchiato, please?

Sure, dear.

CAR HORN HONKS

Hi, there.
- Hi.

Hey, welcome.

You must be Ben Walters’ grandson.

How’d you know that?

Cos you look exactly like him,
spittin’ image.

You knew my grandfather?
- He came up every summer.

Taught me how to fish on this river.

No kidding.

Shoot, where are my manners?

I'm Sam Bartlett, Park Ranger
in charge of the state land

that surrounds your property.
- Lance Walters.

This is my fiancée, Vanessa.
- Hi.

That’s my son Tommy,
the mythical half—boy, half smart—phone.

GAME SOUND EFFECTS

Just swung by on my rounds.

We’ve had a problem
with bird poachers in the area

so if you see anyone suspicious,
please, lemme know.

Will do.
- I hear you’re building a house up here.

Breaking ground tomorrow.
You wanna see it?

DRUM ROLL

It's... very blue.

5000 square feet
and every amenity.

And I'm decorating it.

Yeah, you are.

5000 square feet for three people?
Hope you won’t be cramped.

Oh, no, well, we’re not building it
to live in. I mean...

Live here? Ugh, get real.
SHE LAUGHS

It’s an investment property.
We’re gonna flip it.

I see. Don’t you think it’ll kind of
overwhelm the landscape?

LANCE:
Got government land on all sides.

Yeah. Not like there are
any neighbours to complain.

All I'm saying is if you were
to build something a bit more modest

you’d preserve these old growth trees
and be a lot more green—minded.

Well, it’s my land, so I'm pretty sure
I can build however I want

but don’t worry,
I’ll leave plenty of trees for you to hug.

Well, let me know if you see any poachers

and good luck with this...

Death Star you’re building.

Nice meeting you.

CAR DOOR CLOSES

Who she think she is?
- I like her. She’s cool.

Don’t worry about it, baby.

Hey, Tommy,
come help me with this stupid grill.

Um, sounds like fun...

...Lance,
but I think I'm gonna go explore a little.

Like you say,
can’t play video games all the time.

Chip off the ol’ block.

Part boy, part lawyer.

How the heck does this thing work?

ROCK MUSIC

# You win #

# /give up #

# Can you leave me alone now? #

#lcan see #

# What you want #

# And it’s open—dated #

RHYTHMIC TAPPING ECHOES

# Stop try... #

RHYTHMIC TAPPING ECHOES

TAPPING IMITATES TOMMY'S DRUMMING

TAPPING IMITATES DRUMMING

LOUD CRASH

WOODY GRUNTS

Whoa.

What the heck are you?

Now it’s your turn.
Come on, kid, show me what you got!

HE LAUGHS AND STOMPS RHYTHMICALLY

Uh—huh, uh—huh. Yeah!

WOODY HUMS PERCUSSIVELY

Wa—wa—wa—wa! Wa—wa—wa—wa, wa wa!

HE IMITATES RECORD SCRATCHING

Ah—ah!

What? What?

Ta—da!

Wow! You are really cool for a woodpecker.

HE SN|FFS WILDLY

Are those Peanut Butter Bonkers?!
I'm a sucker for Peanut Butter!

Come on, brother, share the wealth,
spread the love, hook me up.

What are you tryin’ to tell me?

Humans,
you gotta spell everything out for them.

Oh, you’re hungry.

You want a Peanut Butter Bonker?
- Does a woodpecker peck in the woods?

Whoa!

WOODY LAUGHS WILDLY

Wahoo!

Wow!

Do you like that, huh?

Even better than beetle larva

which, if you haven’t tried,
is quite good when in season.

Have another?
- Don’t gotta ask me twice.

Uh.

It's OK.

HE GRUNTS

SOFT MUSIC

HE SIGHS

MUSIC GRINDS TO A HALT

Hey, don’t let the mushy music fool ya.

We’re not friends or anything.
I'm only doing this for the free food.

SOFT MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN

I'm gonna call you Woody.

Huh?
- You like that name? Woody?

I'm gonna call you
Kid Who Just Ran Outta Bonkers.

See ya.

Well, I hope everyone is hungry.

I wanted our first night in the wilderness
to be a little less wild.

Got any pizza?
- No I don’t have any pizza. Do...

This is much better than pizza.

Nothing is better than pizza.

Well, I think it looks
absolutely delicious, Lance.

Thank you, baby.

Here’s to me building
and you designing something amazing.

Amazing.
- Cheers.

Here. Cheers. Wh...?

Well, come on, clink it.

WOODY: Hiya, campers!
- Aah!

Sorry I'm late! Traffic.
800, what’s for dinner?

Mm. Good to see you again,
Kid Who Gives Me Food.

What is that thing?
- It’s OK. I... I met him in the forest.

He’s friendly. I named him Woody.

WOODY PANTS AND BARKS

What are you doing? Don’t feed it!
We’ll never get rid of it!

WOODY PANTS

Stay away from him!
You don’t know where it’s been!

And I have no idea where you’ve been,
sweetheart.

He’s practically tame.

Yeah, as long as you feed me.

OK, who cut the cheese?

Whoever did it, did a great job.

Uh... Get... Lance, get... Get rid of it!

Shoo!Shoo!

Get outta here! Go!

You know, it’s so funny
when they try to fly.

You don’t have wings, you dummy.
- Get outta here!

Mm. Beans.

Get rid of it! Do something!
- OK. OK. OK, OK, OK.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
the more you eat, the more you...

HE FARTS AND LAUGHS

Ugh! Disgusting!

I think he’s awesome.
- WOODY: Mm—hm.

HE GASPS: Whoa!
- Get outta here.

You know,
I'm sensing a little hostility here.

Hey, stop. He’s not hurting anyone.

You got somethin’ in your hair.
- Ow! Ow! Sh...

Missed me. Whoa, is it something I said?

H—yah!
- Woo—ha!

Woo! Yoo—hoo!
Over here you big featherless freak!

VANESSA SCREAMS
- Oh. Oh. Oh, baby!

WOODY: See you at breakfast!
- LANCE: Oh no!

VANESSA: You hit me!

LANCE: Baby, I'm so sorry.
OK. It was an accident.

Oh, lemme see, lemme see, lemme see.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Are you OK? Are you OK?

Look, let's just eat our...

dinner...

Ow!

WOODY LAUGHS IN DISTANCE

LOUD RHYTHMIC PECKING

HE SIGHS

PECKING CONTINUES

Can you not hear that?

RHYTHMIC PECKING

That woman could sleep
through a hurricane.

Can you believe that stupid bird?

Tommy?

WOODY HUMS SAMBA TUNE
Ba—dub, bub, dub, bub, dub, da!

Ba—dee,bee,bee,bee,bee,ba!

Mm, mm, mm, ah!

Dub, dub, dub, dub, dub, hey!

Shoo!

Get outta here!

Go on. Beat it!

Go find somewhere else to peck.

Go find somewhere else to sleep.

Around here,
I'm at the top of the pecking order.

LANCE:
I said beat it!

BASEBALL CHARGE MUSIC
- He makes the catch

and the crowd goes wild!
Woo—hoo—hoo—hoo—hoo!

Gimme that back right now!

RHYTMIC PECKING
- HE SIGHS

Good day, Mr Walters.
Ready to break ground?

I sure am, George.

Remember, I want this house
on the market by fall

so it needs to be done quickly.

Well, for enough money,
anything can be done quickly

even out here in the sticks.

Well, that is good to hear

cos according to my schedule,
you’re already 20 minutes behind.

Your schedule?
- Oh, I am hands on, George.

I'm gonna ride your crew.
- Super! They’ll love that.

And by the study fireplace

l was thinking
twin zebra sheepskin chairs.

They’ll be a nice contrast
to the crested butte cigar leather sofas.

And, of course,
the thirty—light elk antler chandelier

will tie it all together.

And, I want it all done in eight weeks.

That’s really not enough time.
- Money is no object.

Consider it done.
- VANESSA: Thank you.

Lance,honey

I’ve decided on volcanic stone
for the kitchen counters. Mm?

Great. B...

Baby, aren’t those
the most expensive counters in the world?

Well, duh, the best usually is.

Come, see.

OK, honey.
- VANESSA: That's so exciting.

Hey, Tommy,
you wanna watch the excavation?

Hm. Lemme think about it...

No.

OK, I’ll take that no as a no.

WOODY YAWNS

Can’t a bird catch some Zs around here?

Huh? Hey! What’s the big idea?!

WORKER SHOUTS
Watch it! Watch it!

Wait a minute. They’re not camping;
They’re moving in.

No, no, no, no, no! This is my forest.

Time for an eviction notice.

Hey! Yeah, you!

Get off my lawn, punk!

WORKER CRIES OUT

WORKER: Hey! Relax!

LANCE: No!
- Knock knock.

Who’s there? Pee?

Pee who? Pee—yew!

Somebody get that bird!

WOODY: Let’s see who’s next, shall we?
Eeny, meeny, miny... MOE!

Baby.

Baby,baby.
- WOODY: Bombs away!

The bird!
- LANCE: Oh.

WOODY: How was that
for an eviction notice?

No! No!

The good thing about a high fibre diet...

HE CHUCKLES
...it keeps ya regular.

Whoa!

That’ll buff right out.

SHESOBS
- Oh, baby.

Don’t you “baby” me!

VANESSA RANTS IN OTHER LANGUAGE

Well, the bad news is

you’re encroaching on the habitat
of a very territorial bird.

No kidding.

Well, don’t worry about the window.

We’ll just add that to the bill.

LOUD PECKING

PECKING CONTINUES

Would you keep it down out here?

You see?
- Shh.

WOODY SNIGGERS
- That’s much better.

Tommy, open the door!

Tommy?

MUSIC: "Rejected" by Kingsley

# Always the same
Ain ’t never gonna change your story #

# Well, you don ’t believe me
You don ’t believe me no more./ #

# You ’re so rejected #

# Are you the one who ’3 never rejected? #

# Am / the one that you never mention? #

# is he the one you ’re leaving for me? #

# Or am / just one of your fantasies? #

TUNING GUITAR

You planning on buyin’ it
or just tuning it to death?

Uh, sorry, I was just browsing. Um...

Don’t sweat it. Play away.

l'm Jill.
- Uh, l'm Tommy.

Are you visiting?
- TOMMY: Yeah.

My dad's building this house by the river.
- Oh, man!

That mega—mansion
everyone’s talking about?

Yeah, that would be it.

So you interested in it?

Uh, this is a really...
This is a really sweet guitar.

I helped restore it.

The guy who sold it to us
was a roadie for Springsteen.

Who knows,
Springsteen himself may have played it.

Or at least breathed near it.

HE PLAYS ROCK RIFF

You're not bad. Not bad at all.

Thanks, I’ve been taking lessons
for a couple years.

Uh, but, I left my guitar at home, so...

I can make you a really sweet deal
on that guitar if you like.

My dad is the one with the coin.
I'm pretty much broke.

Maybe we can work something out.

My friend Lyle and l have a band.

He plays the drums, I play bass, but...

You need a guitarist?
- Yeah.

The town’s annual Firefly Festival’s
at the end of the month.

We really wanna play there.

If you help us out

I’ll lend you that guitar for free
for the whole summer.

You interested?
- Uh, yeah, totally!

Hey!

This is our road

and we didn’t give you permission
to use it!

Um, actually, this is a public road
built with government funds

and it belongs to everyone.

So technically you are correct.
It is yours, but it’s also mine.

Hey, you don’t get off that easy!

Look, I don’t know what I did
to offend you guys

but whatever it is, I’ll stop.

Course you will.
You’ll be too busy crying!

Seriously, doesn’t your school
have an anti—bullying policy?

Sure does.
That’s exactly why we got kicked out.

Right, John? High five!

Ooh! Look, a guitar.
- Hey, give that back!

BULLY SHOUTS OUT

What was that?
- Whatever it was, it clawed me!

WOODY: Ba, bu—da—ba—ba, ba, ba, ba!
- Woody!

Now as for you two, where were we?

THEY CRY OUT

Get ready to go commando!

HE SCREAMS
Oh, this bird’s psycho!

HE SCREAMS

TOMMY:
Woody, that was awesome!

You went all MMA on ‘em!

Nobody messes with my BFF—

and by that I mean Bringer of Free Food.
See ya!

Oh, come on, George,
you gotta be kidding me.

GEORGE: N0.
- LANCE: Well, why am I paying for that?

GEORGE: Your bird did a number on us.
- It is not my bird.

Fine, fine. Just every day out here
is costing me money.

INDISTINCT REPLY

Yeah... Great, thank you.

Hey, buddy, where you been?
- Town.

LANCE: Where’d that come from?
- I'm starting a band with a girl I met.

LANCE: Oh.
- Oh, fun fact:

I almost got my butt kicked
on the way home.

What are you talking about? By who?

A couple of Neanderthal kids.

It’s OK because Woody saved me.

Who's Woody?
- The woodpecker.

Bu—bu—bu—bu—bu—bu!
Do not mention that stupid bird!

Stupid?
- VANESSA: Yeah.

Last I remember, that stupid bird
wasn’t the one covered in bird poop.

You know what? That’s enough outta you.
You're on a time out. Go to you room.

I don’t have a room.

Then go into the RV.

Fine.

Oh, and in case you were wondering

nobody in town is happy
about us building a house up here.

Can you believe that?
- I know, what is wrong with these people?

Don’t they understand how great this is
gonna be for their property values?

No, Lance

I'm talking about how disrespectful
your son is to me.

Oh... Yeah, that.

This isn’t what I signed up for, OK?

Being a stepmom to a bratty kid
who hates me.

Baby, he doesn't hate you.
- He hates me.

If anything, he’s just mad at me.

He’s just acting out.

I know this is difficult,
but you’ve just gotta be patient.

You’ll see. We’re gonna get
our old life back in no time.

I promise.

Hm.

WOODY:
Wakey, wakey.

Here’s Woody!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

HE LAUGHS

That is it!

I am finished with you!

Now, maybe you didn’t get the memo!

But, man, not wildlife,
is top of the food chain!

So if I were you, I would get outta here
before you land on my rotisserie!

If it's the last thing I...
- Nice rant. Easy to dance to.

I’d give it a seven.
- Hey!

WOODY LAUGHS

Yeah, you better fly outta here!
- WOODY: Yeah right!

Really? A pinecone?

How pathet...

WOODY LAUGHS

You sure this foundation’s deep enough,
George?

I want this place to last longer
than these trees.

Twice as long, sir.

Trust me, been doin’ this a long time,
alright?

Babe, isn’t this great?

I'm not really a cement person.

Can I have the keys for the car?

I need to go to town and find a place
to get my highlights touched up.

Hey, sweetheart?
- VANESSA: Mm.

LANCE: What’s that matter?
We’re out here in the middle of nature.

Yeah, and I wanna look natural.

Keys are in the RV.
- OK.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Time to get these trespassers outta here.

We can do this the easy way
or the Woody way.

I'm thinkin’ the Woody way.

HE LAUGHS WILDLY

Come on, Tommy, you cannot sit in here
all day staring at a screen.

There’s nothing to do here.
- LANCE: Nothing to do here?

They’re getting ready to pour the cement.
That’s cool.

Let’s go outside and watch them do that.

Pass.
- Go outside and find something to do.

Anything.
- Give that back!

VANESSA:
Lance! Hurry that thing is back!

VANESSA:
Oh my God.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Jackie Chan taught me this one.

Wa—ka! Woo!

How about some of this?
How about some of that?

Bath time!

Hope you’re getting hazard pay!

WORKER GRUNTS
- Hi—yah! Hi—yah!

Wa—hoo! Wa!
- MAN CRIES OUT

No, no, no!
- WOODY: Karate chop!

I do all my own stunts.

Here comes the thunder!

MAN GRUNTS
- WOODY CRIES OUT

Don’t worry,
I didn’t forget about you two.

You’re my favourites!

Let’s get to the SUV!

SHE WHIMPERS

Hm, I wonder how this thing works.

Only one way to find out.

Oh!

Come on, you know you want me to push it.
Oops!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SHOUTS OUT INDISTINCTLY

LANCE AND VANESSA SCREAM

LANCE GROANS

You were right, Lance.

Watching them pour cement is fun.
- THEY GRUNT

Now that’s how you do things
the Woody way.

HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

SQUELCHING

TRICKLING

LANCE:
I’d like to file a complaint.

Nope.Nope.

Nope. Yep, that’s it.

That’s the flying demon right there.

The Pileated Red—Crowned Woodpecker?
- Yep.

Impossible.

The Red—Crowned Woodpecker
has been extinct for almost a hundred years

I'm telling you, that’s the bird.
- Uh—huh. Sure it is.

Any chance you’re taking
any sort of medication?

Look, I don’t care
what kind of bird it is.

I want it off my property for good.
Now how does that happen?

Well, the local Native Americans

believed it was
the incarnation of Marconda

god of chaos and mayhem

a mischievous trickster
who haunted the forest.

Super factoid. What did they do about it?
- Moved away.

Moved away?
- SAM: More like fled.

Didn’t even pack,
left all their things behind.

Well, I'm not gonna flee.

Can we just kill it?
- No, you can't just kill it.

The woodpecker is a protected species.
You'd be breaking the law

a 10,000 dollar fine.

Do you take credit cards?

And two years in jail.

Alright, well there’s Plan A.

Do you have any ideas?
- Learn to live with it.

There is plenty of room for both of you.

Thanks.
You’ve been tremendously unhelpful.

NATE: How hard can it be to find
a red—headed woodpecker with hands?

Well, I feel like I know the answer
to this one.

Hey, give me a hint?

NATE SIGHS

Oh. Oh no, no, no. Oh no, no, no, no.

That’s it.

Nobody poops on my truck
and gets away with it!

One time.

That happened one time
and you've never let me forget it.

WOODY LAUGHS IN DISTANCE

ROCK MUSIC

Hey! I know that song. That's my ringtone.

Well, what do ya know? Peanut butter boy.

That was awesome!

Heck yeah, we killed it!

Hey, kid.
- Hey, Woody.

I was just flapping by and I heard
someone laying down a fresh beat.

Whoa—oa! What kind of bird is that?

Some kind of woodpecker.
He lives up by my place.

And before I met you guys

he was pretty much
my only friend out here.

Friend? Hm...

Nope. Never had one of those before.

The festival’s at the end of the month.
We’ve still got a lot of practicing to do.

One, two... One, two, three four.

THEY PLAY: "Bird is the Word'I

# Well, everybody's heard about the bird #

# B—b—b—bird, bird, bird... #
- Yeah, this year is my jam!

# Well a bird's a word...#
- RYTHMIC PECKING

Oh yeah, that’s right, I peck by ear.
Never had a lesson. Ho—ho!

Whoa! That bird’s got mad skills.

# Don't you know about the bird? #

# Well, everybody knows
that the bird is the word #

# Bird, bird, bird, b—b—b—bird,
Bird, bird, bird... #

MUSIC: "Bird is the Word" by The Trashmen
- HE LAUGHS

WORKER:
Whoa!

WORKER CRIES OUT AND GROANS

# Well-a bird’s the word #

# Oh well—a bird, bird, bird,
B—bird's the word #

# Oh well—a don ’t you know
about the bird? #

# Well—a everybody’s talking
about the bird #

# Bird, bird, bird,
B—bird’s the word #

# Oh well—a...
- # Bird, bird, bird, b—b—b bird! #

# Oh well—a bird, bird,
B—bird’s the word #

Another bill?! Where did this come from?
Wh...?

# Oh, well—a everybody’s heard
about the bird... #

Oh jeez, bees!

WORKERS SHOUTING

WORKER:
Run!

To the river!

TH EY GROAN

# Don ’t you know
about the bird? #

# Well, everybody’s talking
about the bird... #

Hm. On? OK. I could do that.

HE LAUGHS

WORKER SCREAMS
- ELECTRIC BUZZ

WOODY LAUGHS WILDLY

Just like in the cartoons.

# B—b-b—b, b—b—b—b, b—b—b—b, b—b—pa—pa,
pa-pa-pa-pa, pa—pa-pa—pa, #

pa—pa-pa—pa, pa-pa—oo-ma—mow— mow,
pa—pa—oo—ma—ma mow #

# Oo—ma—mow—mow,
Pa—pa—oo—ma—ma mow #

# Pa—pa—oo—ma—mow—mow,
Pa—pa—oo—ma—ma mow... #

I'm back!

WOODY LAUGHS AND SHOUTS OUT

No, no, no, no, no, no!

HE GRUNTS ANGRILY

THEY SING:
# Oo—mow—ma—ma—mow, mow, mow, mow, mow #

# Well—a don't you know
about the bird? #

# Well everybody knows
that the bird is the word #

# Oh well—a bird, bird, b—bird's the word #

# Oh well—a bird. #

Oh yeah! That was awesome!

Woody, that was sick!

Oh yeah! The bird is the word.
You know this song is about me, right?

Baby, please,
can we talk about this a min...?

SHE GRUNTS ANGRILY
- You know what? You were right.

I should’ve listened to you
in the first place. We’ll go to a hotel.

I'm going to a hotel!

The Fairmont Olympic in Seattle.

Five stars, all the amenities

suite for one.

GLASS SMASHES

I will get rid of that woodpecker,
I promise you...

It’s too late, Lance.

You’re not the man I thought you were.

I fell in love with a cold,
heartless courtroom killer

not a man who loses to a flying squirrel.

If you ever move back to Seattle

we can do lunch.

Bye.

I think I just did that guy
a hu—uge favour.

You're welcome!

I'm sorry.

What?

About Vanessa.

I know you liked her.

Thanks.

Yeah, I did.

Sometimes things don’t work out
the way you planned.

You’ll find that out when you’re older.

I'm not sure I wanna find out.

Nah. It’s not all that bad.

It’s just that in life

your dreams and reality...

don’t always line up.

So what you’re trying to tell me is...

it basically stinks.

LANCE LAUGHS

No, not all the time, but...

yeah, sometimes life basically stinks.

Let's get some sleep.

Things always look better in the morning.

At least I hope they do.

LANCE:
So I’ve got a pretty serious bird problem

and from what I understand

you two gentlemen are the finest
pest control company in town.

Well, you’re the only
pest control company in town

but I'm sure men of your...

OTIS BURPS

...calibre, won’t have any trouble
with this job.

It's just a little woodpecker.

Mister, do you know how...
- THUD

How can we help you, Mr Walters?

Well, I need you to trap it
and release it far, far away from here.

I'd say kill it,
but apparently that's illegal.

Course not.
We would never, uh, break the law.

Nate, what about that time...

How much?
- Our standard woodpecker removal fee is...

two...
- 500 bucks, cash money.

Otis, are you...
- Done.

...gonna... eat your cherry?

All yours.

Thanks, I’ll, uh...

I’ll save this for later.

Cheque, please.

So I will see you gentlemen
in the morning, yes?

Uh, you got it.

We will hit the hay early.

We’ll be there bright and early,
ready to removify that bird.

Just not before ten A.M., All right?

That’s about when my son
usually comes into town and...

I’d rather he not know anything
about this.

Ten o’clock it is. We will see you...

in the manana.

In the mafiana.

I thought we were seein’ him tomorrow?

What?

What? Let's go!

We’ve been searchin’ for that woodpecker
for months

and now it just falls right in our laps.

We gonna make five hundo cash money.
- Dummy.

It’s a Pileated Red—Crowned woodpecker.

We can sell that bird
for a thousand times more than that.

Oh, can’t you just smell the money?

Nah, that’s just me.

TOMMY:
Hey, what are we gonna call our band?

JILL: How about Poison Ivy?
Cos I think I just stepped in some.

LYLE:
Hey, look, an eagle feather.

TOMMY: And there’s another one.
- JILL: That’s a lot of feathers.

JILL: Let’s follow the trail.
- LYLE: I thought we were going swimming?

JILL:
Don’t worry, we will.

TENSE MUSIC BUILDS

Wonder where they came from.

LYLE: Guys, the quarry’s back that way.
- JILL: Don't be such a wimp.

TOMMY:
Whoa.

Hey, let's go check it out.

JILL:
Looks totally abandoned.

LYLE:
Uh, did you guys not see the sign?

Hey, wait for me!

EERIE MUSIC

LYLE:
What is this place?

Can we go now?

Look at all this stuff.

JILL: Who would do something like that
to those animals?

LYLE: I told you guys
we shouldn’t have come in here.

Let’s go! Come on.

CRASH
- LYLE GASPS

What was that?

What... What are you doing?

RATTLING

Look how sad he looks.

What are you doin’ here?

We’re sorry, sir.
We didn’t touch anything.

This is private property.

You are trespassin’.

We could press charges.

We were just on our way to the quarry
and we got lost.

Yeah, see the towels? Swimming.

It wasn’t my idea. They made me.

If any of you little runts

come back here again

bad things are gonna happen.

Now all of you

get outta here!

Go on! Go on! Go!
- LYLE: Come on, guys, let’s go!

Not you, dummy.

JILL: Come on, quick!
- LYLE: Guys, come on!

PECKING

Peck away all you want tonight, bird.

Tomorrow the hammer drops.

NATE:
Otis, take her up.

LANCE: So what’s the plan?
- NATE: Oh, I'll tell you the plan.

We got this, uh,
carbon fibre and titanium reinforced cage.

We've got, uh, thermal cameras
all over the perimeter.

And for just a little added insurance

we’ve got these electrified net guns.

If for any reason he manages to uh,
escape and make a run for it

heat—seeking tranquiliser darts.

Ooh, and the bait,
we’ve got two aces in the hole.

At first, a female decoy.

NATE CHUCKLES

Second, we’ve added
a jar of extra nutty peanut butter

because no right—minded woodpecker
can resist the combination of romance...

and peanut butter.

It is a bad day to be a woodpecker.

WOODY:
# Everybody thinks I'm crazy #

# Yes, siree, that’s me, that’s me #

# That’s what I'm cracked up to be #

# I chop a hole in every tree #

# Knock on wo—o—o—o—o—o—o—od #

# Knock on wo—o—o—o—o—o—o—od #

# So I'm crazy,
what, what, what can I do? #

# So are you! #

Do you smell that?

Is that what I think it is?

Peanut butter!

Peanut butter! Peanut butter!
Peanut butter!

Peanut butter! Hee—hee!

Incoming bogie,
300 yards and closin’ fast.

CAMERA BEEPS

What do we have here?

Well, hello there? Come here often?

I notice you have
a jar of extra nut—tay peanut but—ter.

I'm a big fan of the stuff, myself.

Mind if I join you?

Is it just me or is there something
kinda wooden about this chick?

NATE: Here. Come on.
- How about we take this back to my place

and watch a movie?

Ever seen The Birds? Oh, it’s hilarious.

It feels like something
has come between us.

Heat—seekers.

You didn’t think I was gonna get caught
this easy, did ya?

Peanut butter makes me crazy, not stupid.

Come on, what else ya got?
- NATE: Shoot him!

Yikes, time to go!

Whoa!

HE SHOUTS NERVOUSLY
Whoa, whoa!

Whoa—oh. Wh—argh!

SLOW MOTION YELP

Whoa—oh—oh!

Look, there he is!

Tag, you’re it!
- NATE: Whoa!

Nighty—night, boys.

Not. Again.

WOODY: Hey, Beardo!
Yeah, I'm talkin’ to you!

Feelin’ lucky today, punk?

Well, do ya?

Electrifying! Smile!

Come to papa. Later, babe.
Text me when you make parole.

SAM:
Here I got it.

Why, Ranger Sam, how kind of you.

No worries.

I heard about your RV. Was it bad?

Let’s just say I don’t think
I'm gonna get my damage deposit back.

How’s your fiancée taking it?

You mean my ex—fiancée.

I'm pretty sure she’s taken it
to a five star hotel in Seattle.

I'm sorry.
- LANCE: Yeah, thanks.

I never thought a woodpecker
would break up my relationship

but I guess out here these things happen.

Can I give you a piece of advice
about that woodpecker?

It is not a woodpecker;
It is a demon from Hell.

OK, then can I give you a piece
of advice about that demon from Hell?

Does it involve untraceable forms
of poison?

SAM: No, just the opposite.

Instead of fighting with the woodpecker,
maybe try being nice to it.

Being nice to it?
- You've tried everything else.

Besides you catch a lot more flies
with honey than vinegar.

Think about it.

Hey, bird.

WHILSTLES

It’s just your friendly neighbour, Lance.

Got a little peace offering.

Is that a sock on a stick? Pathetic.
- You win!

You like cookies?

Everybody likes cookies.

There’ll be plenty more
where those come from.

Whole brand new box every day.

So long as ya...
let me build my house in peace.

And then once I sell my house,
you’ll be somebody else’s nightmare.

if you think giving me a little food
is going to make me forget...

HE LAUGHS AND SHOUTS OUT EXCITEDLY

Pretty good, huh? What do ya say?

I’ll think it over.

Well, I’ll take that as a yes.

All right, you measure twice
and out once.

That’s correct.

Here you go.

Hey, what’s up there, hard hat?
Hey, look out! Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, everybody, relax!

Relax.

I got this.

I thank you very much.

Same time tomorrow.

Please, allow me.

That’s lunch, whoo—hoo!

LOUD CHEWING

HE BURPS

OK, OK,
I know what you folks are thinking:

"Woody is a big fat sell—out."

But the way I see it

it’s a mutually beneficial
business arrangement.

Anyway, I let them build
their dream house in peace

as long as they pay me.

Voila /

GEORGE:
Well, Mr Walters

looks like you’re gonna get your house.

Over schedule and over budget,
but we did it.

LANCE:
Alright—y.

Here you go.
- Thanks, dad.

You’re welcome.

Hey, what about me?
- Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you.

I sure hope not.

Mm! My favourite!

Yummy!

PHONE RINGS

WOODY:
You must give me the recipe!

LOUD CHEWING

Hey, Linda. What’s up? How’s your dad?

Uh, a little better, thanks.

You guys deliver?

LINDA:
Listen, I’ve got some good news.

I talked to my cousin

and she can take Tommy
while I'm at the hospital

so you’re off the hook.
- Really?

That's what you wanted, right?
- Yeah.

You know what? No. Uh... Uh...

I think we’re OK here.

Seriously?
- Yeah, seriously.

Keep me posted on your dad, would you?
- Sure.

Take care of my boy.
- Our boy.

See you later.

WOODY SIGHS

Nate, how we ever gonna get that bird?
It’s always with 'em.

It’s just a matter of time, Otis.
Keep your shirt on.

Weren’t plannin’ on takin’ it off.

Seriously!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS:
# Celebrate the day #

# Celebrate and sing #

# Celebrate and then you will #

# Celebrate the day #

# Celebrate and sing #

# Celebrate and then you will... #

Last 10 seconds!

JILL: Come on, you can do it!
- Lyle, come on, almost there!

JILL: You can do it!

Come on, you can do it!

PRESENTER: And we have a wiener!
- Yeah, Lyle!

MAN: Here you go, sir.
Here’s your chocolate ice cream.

Well, look who’s here,
Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.

Hiya, fellas, how about a little topping
for your ice cream?

It’s not fake.
You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.

Yuck, even I think that’s disgusting.

Mm.

Take care.
- Thank you, bye.

Well, hello again.

Free trees, huh?

It might be the first thing I’ve seen here
that isn’t battered and deep fried.

How’s your ongoing battle
with the woodpecker?

Well, I hate to admit it,
but you were right.

Took your advice, made peace with it.
And it’s...

It’s actually been...

not awful.
- Hm.

But in another month or so,
I’ll be finished.

l’ll sell the house and adio's.

So problem solved.

Problem solved.

So I was about to listen to Tommy’s band.

They’re gettin’ ready to play,
you wanna come?

Yeah, sounds like fun.

BLUEGRASS COVER OF "Oh Susanna"

LYLE GROANS

This is what happens
when you eat 29 hotdogs!

No guts, no glory!

Are you sure you can't play?

Dude, I'm just tryin’ not to blow chunks.

We’ll be totally lame without a drummer.

Wouldn’t it be lamer to have a drummer
puke all over himself on stage?

No. That’s rock ‘n roll.

STOMACH GURGLES

Sorry, guys, I really wanna play...

but my stomach’s got other plans!

BLUEGRASS MUSIC CONTINUES

Well, here we go.

We’re up next.
- But we don’t have a drummer.

So we go on without a drummer.

Worst case scenario is...

we make total fools of ourselves. Come on.

OK. Let's do this.

Now let’s give a nice warm
Pine Grove welcome to our next local act:

3 Peat.

Hi, everyone. We’re 3 Peat

although, um,
at the moment, our third peat...

is, urn, puking up hotdogs behind the barn

so, uh, tonight, we’re just 2 Peat.

Enjoy the show.

THEY PLAY "What I Like About You'I

Hey!
- MICROPHONE SCREECHES

MICROPHONE SCREECHES
- Hey!

Uh—oh, sounding a little light
on percussion.

Hm. What would MacGyver do?

HE GASPS

Perfect. Ah, that’s it!

#...you hold me tight #

# Tell me I'm the only one,
You wanna come over tonight? #

# Yeah #

# Keep on whispering in my ear #

# Tell me all the things
that I want to hear #

# Cos it's true #
- WOODY AND JILL: # That's what I like #

# It's what I like about you #
- # That's what I like #

WOODY:
# What I like about you #

JILL:
# You really know how to dance #

# When you go up down, jump around,
think about true romance #

# Yeah #

# Keep on whispering in my ear #

# Tell me all the things
that I wanna hear #

# Cos that's true #
- # What I like about you #

# It's what I like about you #
- WOODY AND TOMMY: # What I like about you #

JILL: # That’s what I like about you #
- # That's what I like about you #

# It's what I like about you #
- # It's what I like about you #

WOODY SCREAMS

GUITAR SOLO

# What I like about you #

# You keep me warm at night #

# Never wanna let you go,
You know you make me feel alright #

# Yeah #

# Keep on whispering in my ear #

# Tell me all the things
that I wanna hear #

# Cos that's true #
- WOODY AND JILL: # What I like about you #

# It's what I like about you #
- # What I like about you #

TOMMY: # That's what I like about you #
- # What I like about you #

TOMMY: # It's what I like about you #
- WOODY AND JILL: # What I like about you #

# It's what I like about you. #

LANCE:
Way to go, Tommy! Yeah!

Oh yeah! They should call this Woodystock!

LANCE: You guys were amazing!
- JILL: Thanks.

Buddy, I knew you could play,
but I didn't know you could play like that.

I'm so proud of you.
- You are? Really?

Course I am really.

What do you think,
this place isn’t so bad after all, is it?

Yeah, it doesn’t totally bite.

It doesn’t totally bite.

Hey, shouldn’t we be hangin’ backstage
doing peanut butter shots with groupies?

Woody!
- We totally rocked it!

Oh, I'm sorry, have you met Woody?

Enchanté, Mademoiselle.

You really did find
a Pileated Red—Crowned Woodpecker

and he’s domesticated?

HE BURPS LOUDLY

Well, that depends
on your definition of domesticated.

Uh, Woody here was our drummer.

No kidding.

Way to go, Woody.

Thanks. Always happy to help a...

friend.

Anyway, gotta go. Time to forage.

I don’t know about you, I am starving.

Are you hungry?
- Yes.

I could kill a corndog.

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen

the moment we’ve all been waiting for...

What’s goin’ on?
- You'll see.

Let there be light!

AUDIENCE GASP

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad
if they stuck around.

That gives me an idea.

Well, what do ya know?
I'm a regular Pablo Peck—casso.

HE SIGHS

Maybe... Maybe I’ve been alone too long.

Just because I'm one of a kind

doesn’t mean I can’t be part
of a family too, right?

Oh, I almost forgot to sign my name.

HE SCREAMS

HE GROANS

What happened?

Oh no! Argh!

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?!

Whoa—oh—oh—oh—oh!
Anyone smell chicken cooking?

Yikes! It's me!

HE SCREAMS

Oh no!

Oh, what did I do?

LANCE:
It's a total loss.

How does this even happen?

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to.

FIREMAN: Well, I think we found
the cause of the fire.

Looks like something was destroying the wall
and hit the wiring.

Probably a small animal:
mouse or a rat or a bird or something.

A bird?

Like a woodpecker?

That's possible.

HE WHIMPERS
- You!

Dad, Woody wouldn’t have done this.

It couldn’t have been him.
- Really?

Do you see any other psychotic animals
around here?

It was that woodpecker!
- Dad!

All this time, he's just been...
- Come on!

...Iulling me into a fall sense of security,
waiting to strike.

He couldn't have...

It’s Lance Walters. Remember me?

Of course we remember you, Mr Walters.

How can we help you?

Uh—huh.

Look, I’m... I'm...
I'm sure we can work you into our schedule.

Yeah, how about, um...?

Well, how about... How about right now?

I didn’t mean to.

Accidents happen.

Mean, who amongst us
hasn’t burned down a house, right?

Oh, fine. I'll just go back
to the way it was before: No humans.

Who needs them anyway, right?

Right?

Uh... Don’t you ever have anything to say?

Oh, who am I kidding?

I had a good thing goin’ with those guys.

I gotta make it up to them

help them rebuild, for free this time, too.
No food.

I could stand to lose an ounce or two.

CRASH, WOODY SCREAMS

Earthquake!

Huh? Whoa.

HE SHOUT NERVOUSLY
- Whoa. Whoa.

HE SCREAMS

HE GROANS

HE GROANS IN A DAZE

He's all yours, boys.

HE GASPS
My home!

ELECTIC BUZZ
- HE SCREECHES

Happy place.

HE SIGHS

Let me outta here! I wasn’t read my rights!

I'm out of order? You’re out of order!

You can’t handle the truth!

WOODY GROWLS
- Stick a cork in it, you dumb bird.

Anyone out there know a good lawyer?

500 dollars.
Good job and good riddance.

De nada.

Potato, French fries.

What are you doing? You can’t take Woody.

Tommy, that bird burnt our house down.

But... But I...
- So long, woodpecker.

To think I was actually
starting to like you.

Dad, they’re gonna kill him.
- They’re not gonna kill him.

They’re gonna take him out in the mountains
and release him.

Yep, he’ll be free as a, urn...

Free as a, uh...
- A bird.

A little on the nose, Nate.

I was thinkin’ more like a wild stallion.

Dad, Jill and Lyle and me found their barn.

It’s filled with stuffed birds.

Taxidermists.

They're gonna kill Woody and stuff him,
I know it.

You are gonna let him go, right?
- Oh, uh...

I am as, uh...

good as my word.

Yeah, I'm cool. Thanks.

NATE CHUCKLES

So long, kid.
You were the first friend I ever had.

I'm sorry, Woody!

I will never forgive you.

Tommy, come on.

Someday you’ll understand
why I had to do this.

I understand.

I understand
that whenever something bothers you

you get rid of it

like me and Mom.

Come on, that is not fair and you know it.

I'm surprised
you didn’t have us stuffed, too.

LANCE:
Tommy.

Tommy!

WOODY: Yeah, you’re a real tough guy
when I'm all caged up!

Why don’t you open this cage
and we’ll step outside and do this right?

How about man to bird?

MUFFLED CRIES

A lot of chirp and no bite.

HE GULPS
- BANG

HE SQUAWKS

Hmph!

Guys! Guys!
- JILL: Check mate.

Woody’s been taken. I need your help.

What?
- No way!

LANCE SIGHS

Woody, you weren’t tryin’
to burn the house down.

Oh no.

It’s show time.

Gentlemen... and Lady

this here rare bird

is the Holy Grail of rare birds.

I give you... the legendary

Pileated Red—Crowned Woodpecker.

Hmph.

100 years it has been thought to be extinct.

Not only that, Nate,
but everyone thought it had died out.

And I'm the one who’s an endangered species?

Folks, the opportunity
to add this fine taxidermy specimen

to your collections

won’t ever come around again.

The bidding will start
at 100,000 dollars.

Do I have any takers?

LYLE: Oh, we can’t go in there.
There’s people in there.

Let’s see if there’s a back way.

AUCTION IN DISTANCE

We should call the police.

They’ll never believe us.

By the time they do, Woody will be dead.

NATE GLEEFULLY:
600,000, thank you.

670, 650, 650.
Do I hear 675? 700 dollars now...

Tommy, you came for me.

That's my boy.

NATE: 750,000 dollars, 750,000,
750,000 dollars.

Do I hear 800? 825, 825.
Ah, 850,000 dollars...

How do we get him outta there?
- We gotta sneak in and steal him.

They’ll catch us in a sec.
We have to call the police

or the National Guard.

That’ll never work.
We gotta lure them out.

How about we pretend
we’re wealthy eccentric bidders

who are willing to pay like
a million dollars for Woody?

Sold...

for a million dollars.
- TOMMY: Go, go, go, go, go.

OTIS LAUGHS
- LOYLE WHIMPERS

Going somewhere?

Hey, Sam, have you seen Tommy?

No, why?

I thought the woodpecker
burnt my house down on purpose

so I hired the Grimes brothers
to capture and get rid of it.

He’s pretty upset with me.

Any chance he might try and rescue it?
- Yeah, maybe.

I know where the Grimes’ place is. Come on.

900,000 dollars. Going twice.

Sold! To the guy in the...
funny lookin’ hat!

Thank you all so much for bidding.

Winner, you have
our electronic transfer information.

Funds are due in...

ten minutes.

THEY LAUGH WILDLY AND CHEERS

Oh, I hope you all are comfortable in there.

If you two so much as touch a hair
on my friends’ heads

I’ll peck you new ones,
and I ain’t talkin’ about nostrils!

Squawk it up, bird.
It’s the last noise you’ll ever make.

Just so you know,
you’re going to jail for this.

HIGH—PITHCED VOICE
Ooh, just so you know...

Not if they can’t catch us!
And we’re not stickin’ around to get caught!

We just sold that little bird
for close to a million dollars stuffed.

Otis and me are officially retiring
to Kerching City.

Kerching City. That's in China.

What?
- Start loading the truck.

Please.

Excuse me, Mr Poacher, sir,
is that poison gluten free?

Aw, don't worry, bird.

This is just gonna be like taking a nap.

Forever.

Don't do this!

Whatever you're getting for Woody,
my dad will pay double.

I thought you said your dad was broke.

CLEARS THROAT

Oh, you were bluffing.

My bad.

Nate!

CAR HORN HONKS

Now what?

Nate!

Otis, are you...?

Well, howdy, Mr Walters.
What can I do ya for?

You got a moose problem now or...?

I was lookin’ for Tommy. He was pretty upset
about the whole woodpecker thing

and I... I thought he might’ve come up here
lookin’ for it.

Well, you know how kids are about animals.
I'm sure he’ll be fine in a couple of days.

I'll uh... I’ll keep an eye out for him.

Well...

see ya around.

You guys goin’ somewhere?
- Uh, no.

Our, um...

HE CHUCKLES
barn has a termite problem.

We’re just, uh, clearin’ out
while we fumigate the place.

Yeah, you do not wanna breathe
those chemicals.

I learned that the hard way.

Wait a minute.

I want the woodpecker back.
- You do?

You do?
- Yeah, I do.

If that’s what it takes
to make my son happy, it’s worth it.

I'm real sorry, Mr Walters, we...
We already let him go.

LANCE: You did?
- NATE: Yeah. He's, uh...

He’s probably flappin’ his way
to Saskatchewan by now.

Come on, Lance, let’s go find Tommy.

Good luck findin’ your, you know, kid.

Otis, let’s stuff that bird
and get the heck outta Dodge.

What are you doing?

For the past year I’ve been finding these
wherever there’s been poaching.

It has to be them.

And I bet anything they still have Woody.

Get the gun, Otis.

It’s time to wrap this up!
- TOMMY: No!

Please don't.
- TOMMY: Don't do this.

Hey, don’t I get a last request?
Like you let me go?

TOMMY: No, please, no, no, no, no!
- WOODY: Please.

Hold it right there.

We’re saved! Oh, you two are so goin’ down!

What the hell!

Dad!
- You put my son in a cage?!

Well, that was disappointing.

Ow.

The sheriff’s on his way.

We’ll be well over the Canadian border
by the time he gets here.

Otis, get me my gun.

Dad, I'm so sorry.

I just couldn’t let them kill Woody.
- Tommy, this is not your fault.

If I had listened to you in the first place,
we wouldn’t be here.

Uh, real heartfelt moment

but can we please save the schmaltz
for later?

In case you didn’t notice,
I'm about to get stuffed!

This time...

no interruptions.

HE WHIMPERS

Guess we could kiss the sequel goodbye.

LANCE GRUNTS

That cage was built to hold a bear.

LANCE GRUNTS

You can’t escape.

LANCE CRIES OUT

Who said anything about me gettin’ out?

Huh? Hm.

Get ready for a beat down!
- Oh crud.

NATE AND OTIS SHOUT OUT

PUNCHES AND GRUNTING

I wonder who’s gonna win.
The suspense is killing me!

Take this. And some of these.

WOODY GRUNTS

Where do you think you're going?

OTIS SCREAMS

OTIS:
Whoa!

Now that’s what I call, takin’ out
the trailer trash!

Nice job, Woody.

Hey, I got your back.

Heads up!

SIRENS WAIL

Get... Get up.

Otis! Otis!

Woody, don’t let them get away!

NATE: Come on, come on.
- Woody, go get them!

I'm on it!

Stop in the name of the law!

WOODY GRUNTS
- Ooh.

WOODY GRUNTS

OTIS:
Oh no. Oh no. No.

The truck!
- Keys?

Ah, the ATV!

Oh, take the logging trail
across the border. Go!

WOODY STRUGGLES:
Ah, ee, uh!

HE GRUNTS

Ah! I got this.

Ah, cue the action chase music!

FAST ROCK MUSIC

Ha—ha!

I'm comin’ to get ya!

Argh. Whoa—oh!

Whoo—hoo—hoo! Whoa!

OTIS: I think we lost him.
- Well, come on, let’s go!

OTIS:
Um.. kick it! Come on!

WOODY: Going somewhere?
- Whoa. Hold on.

CANADIAN ACCENT:
Oh, hello, eh, welcome to Canada

You have anything to declare?

Quick. Let's go back.
- Get a grip.

It's just one little bird.
There's two of us.

HE MAKES KARATE NOISES

Oo—ha!

Make your move, bird.

A knife?
- HE CLUCKS

NATE LAUGHS

I told you he was more chicken
than woodpecker. Let's...

PECKING

NATE:
Oh.

OTIS:
What the heck?

THEY SCREAM

And for this week’s lesson...

gravity! Tooda—Ioo—hee—hoo!

HE LAUGHS

Going somewhere?

Hey ya, fellas, remember me?

Save us.
- Yeah, please lock us up.

OTIS: Save... Save us from that bird.
- NATE: Lock us up. I'm beggin' you.

I have been waiting for this day
for a very long time.

That bird is crazy.

Who you calling crazy?

HE LAUGHS WILDLY

NATE MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY

Now it’s your turn to live in a cage. Ha!

LANCE: So, what do you think?
- TOMMY: It's pretty cool, Dad.

SAM: It's beautiful.

LANCE: If you think it’s beautiful now,
wait 'til it’s actually built.

Good thing our insurance
covered woodpecker damage.

Well, I think you’re going to be
very happy here.

And since it’s a smaller footprint

there’ll be plenty of room
for the nine hole golf course.

I'm surprised you didn’t want
to build a shopping mall.

What an amazing idea!

Oh, dad. The surprise.
- Ooh, right.

Saved the best for last. Hey, Woody!

Oh, Woody!
- Is it food o'clock?

LANCE: Woody, I am very sorry
I destroyed your home

but technically you destroyed mine first,
so we’re even, but...

in the interest of harmonious living,
I got somethin’ for ya.

WOODY PANTS WITH EXCITEMENT

Ready?

WOODY GASPS

Whoo—hoo! I got a home again!

Wow, it’s got built in appliances
and granite counter tops.

Alright!

You guys are my family now

and I never even knew I needed one.

Aw, he's giving you love taps.
- Ow! Ow! Too much love, Woody!

Woody, I got it!

Night, Dad.
- Night, Tommy.

PECKING

Home sweet home.

HE SIGHS HAPPILY

Don't you just loove happy endings.

Hey! Whoops!

THEY SHOUT OUT AND PANT

BOTH: Huh?
- HE LAUGHS

My bad.

Woody!

Gotta fly!

HE LAUGHS WILDLY

Boy, someone's in a hurry for the credits.
See ya!

MUSIC:
"Troublemaker" by Blaze N Vill

Guess who!

HE LAUGHS WILDLY

PARK RANGER: Niagara Falls
is one of the most scenic spots

in all the world.

The grandeur of this famous attraction
brings visitors from far and near.

It is a favourite spot for honeymooners
who stand and gaze at its wondrous beauty.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Niagara affects different people
in different ways.

Some people are overcome by a strong urge
to go over the falls in a barrel.

Of course, this foolhardy stunt
is now absolutely prohibited.

And, I might add, nobody has gone over
since I’ve been on the job.

Nobody?
- Nobody.

And I...

A barrel?!

Hey, you, going over the falls in a barrel
is absolutely prohibited!

Hey, come back with my barrel.

Yikes! No, no, no, nooo!

Hooray! Hooray!

WOMAN LAUGHS

Well, now I need a new barrel.

Good barrel.

Good solid barrel.

Whoa.

HE SCREAMS
- Bring back my barrel!

You...!

Hooray! Hooray!

Come outta there, you.
Crazy woodpecker!

I’ll show ya! Take that!

Now keep out...

and stay out!

Oh no!

Hooray!
- Ah, shut up!

WOLF—WHISTLES

A barrel!

I know a barrel when I see one!

WOMAN:
Yow!

Hooray! Hooray!

Hooray! Hooray!

CAR HORN HONKS

That woodpecker!

Before we go over now, men,
is there anyone here without a barrel?

Hooray! Hooray!

Oh, wh... Which way to Niagara... Falls?

HE SINGS HAPPILY
# Doo, doo—doo, da—dee! #

Mush!

# Doo—doo—doo—doo, da—doo, doo, da—dee! #

Mush!

# Doo, da—da—da—dee! #

Mush!

# Dee dee, diddle—diddle—diddle—doo—doo!
Da—dum! #

PARK RANGER: Mush!

# Da, da—da da—dee! #

CHILD CRIES

Hush!

# Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo—doo—dee, da—doo! #

Mush!

# Dee, du—du—doo—doo! #

# Da, da, da, da, da, da—daa, da—daa! #

ROAR OF WATER...

SILENCE

PARK RANGER: Now we’ll see
who’s going over the falls in a barrel.

GUSH OF WATER

Hooray!

SIREN WAILS

So, going over the falls in a barrel, eh?

I'm giving you a ticket.

HE LAUGHS WILDLY