Original subtitles

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

- Hi, April O'Neil. - The porn star.

- Love your work. - No, the one from "60 minutes."

60 minutes of porn? It's too much.

I chafe. It's a disaster.

How do you respond to charges that your campaign

was secretly run by the evil Shredder,

archenemy of the Ninja Turtles?

I've never met him, don't know him.

Here's a photo of the two of you sharing a milkshake.

Fake new, fake shake, shake news.

So, the two of you didn't conspire

to steal all the pizzas in New York on June 9, 2016?

No, that's a date I remember well. I have the best memory.

- That was the purge. - The what?

The purge ... the day when everything

is legal and unimpeachable.

Shredder, who I don't know, and I had a meeting,

- and I believe I ate a hobo. - Uh, Mr. Trump? The purge is not real.

My lawyers assure me it is, and that is why I killed and ate a hobo.

We ate his colon like "Lady and the Tramp."

Lady and the Trump, write that down.

You can't ... I already copyrighted it.

Use it in one of your porns. Also, I do not know Shredder.

Sad! The purge, baby.

And one more thing...

Both: Live from New York, it's "Robot Chicken"!

Announcer: It's time for "Robot Chicken," [music]

with Seth Green,

the Robot Chicken,

the Humping Robot,

Pickle Joe,

Bitch Pudding,

- still Kenan Thompson... - I'm never leavin'!

...Sunshine Cowboy,

Rick Sanchez,

with Matthew Sandwich,

and tonight's musical guest,

the Stone Protectors.

And now, please welcome

young Han Solo!

- Name? - Han.

- Full name. - Just Han.

- I'm traveling alone. - Alone?

All right, then I'm gonna put you down as "Han Solo."

- What? - Name's, uh, Jack.

Jack Porkins, you mean.

Oink, oink! Wide boy coming through!

You son of a bitch! [screams]

- Think you're fast, Hobbs? - Toretto, I was born furious.

- But are you fast and furious? - Too fast, too furious.

Both: Tokyo drift!

[goal siren blares]

First one around the rink has the biggest dick.

Oh, no! I'm redlining!

[music]

It's about family, cuz!

[music]

Belle, if you won't eat dinner with me,

you won't eat at all!

[door slams] Oh, wardrobe... whatever shall I do?

Uhh, fall in love with the beast?

I don't know, we're pretty complicit here.

Do you think chipotle delivers this far into the woods?

Ah! They do! Perfect!

Oh, my god, Belle! Stupid.

Yes, hi, police?

I'm being held prisoner by a gigantic horny

- sasquatch in a ... - Woman: Postmates!

Burrito bowl with carnitas for Belle?!

Could you hold on? My food's here.

Uh, thanks so much. No, not you ...

Okay. Sure. You, too.

Uh, did you know that there's a huge dog

in a victorian suit throwing a tantrum downstairs?

- This is private property! - We've got a code 4-5-9!

Giant hamster throwing household items!

Fire!

[groaning]

[howls]

[music]

Oh, no! White man down! Call the paramedics!

Did you say he was white?

Narrator: In the year 2020, President Kirk Cameron outlawed

all birth control and abortions, but nobody stopped doing it.

Society was flooded by babies,

so we fled to the train,

the train we call Baby Piercer.

Babies are death. The train is life.

Looks like you, scum, need a reminder.

No! Not like this!

[screams]

[babies coo]

Narrator: Baby Piercer.

But no one was prepared for the truth.

[laughs] Baby Piercer.

This is not my idea of a swell time, Indiana Jones!

Goodbye forever.

Excuse me, sir? I need a guide to Delhi.

Oh!

[music]

Let me call you a cab.

[music]

Man: Hey! DJ Marshmallow, over here!

- Ugh! - Wow!

[all clamoring]

[clamoring stops]

- Let's eat him. - Oh, man. Let me have some.

Man: Oh, goodness. It tastes ... it tastes...

Yes, while it's true that one of our self-driving cars

killed a woman last year,

we are now happy to unveil version 2.0.

Whoa, whoa! Privacy please!

This new Autobot and I are sharing a private moment.

Optimus Prime, that is not an Autobot!

[crashing]

That's right. She's a Decepticon.

Uber has already started her reign of death and terror.

Right, my sweet?

Automated voice: Please, buckle up.

Indeed. Buckle up for the destruction

that we will impart on this world together.

No! Uber! Tell me it isn't so?

Where would you like to go?

I want to go back to a time when we didn't lie to each other.

Calculating route. Ready to go.

Baby! [engine starts, tires squeal]

I think I'm in love with you.

[music]

Goodbye, Australia. America, here I come.

♪ Duh-duh-duh ... ♪

[horn blares]

[horns blare]

[music]

Billy and Bethany have $200,000

to turn this man-baby monstrosity into the home of their dreams.

The previous owner went missing while looking for his bike.

[chuckling] Wow! This house is one big '80s coke dream!

- Get the fuck off me! - Hey, what the ...

Chip, stop messing around!

I am not missing around, Joanna!

- That chair hit me. - No, I didn't.

[screams]

Ooh, the pain!

Ha ha! Get it? Ah, the pain!

[coughs] Hey, what is all this crap?

- Today's secret word is... asbestos. - Asbestos?

All: Yay!

[all cough]

Oh, I'm a conversation piece. See, I tell the ...

Oh, god!

Are you excited to see what we did?

[music]

- Oh, my god! - It's amazing!

Joanna: We trashed everything with a face,

painted gray tones over the psycho hellscape,

reupholstered the talking furniture in neutral tones,

and repurposed the puppet theater into a succulent bar.

[bell dings] He he! Hello, house!

It took me 30 years, but I found my bike in ...

No! I was gone too long! I'm sorry!

I hurried as-bestos I could!

All: [strained] Secret word. Yay!

Sometimes I think I hear the walls screaming. [pee-wee screams]

but in this claymation rainforest housing market,

- that's a small price to pay. - I miss my skin.

[music]

Walter, we're the same model of android,

so it shouldn't be hard to teach you how to play.

You blow, and I'll do the fingering.

[instrument plays]

Great, now I'm going to put this accordion between your thighs.

Pump it while blowing. I'll do the fingering.

[instruments play]

- Mmm, yes. - Ooh! That's good.

I'm going to insert this harmonica

down the back of your pants.

Just flatulate quarter notes. I'll do the fingering.

[instruments play]

- You're ready. - Ready for what?

[music]

Which is better ... one or two?

- Uh, one. - Okay.

- And one or two, or the same? - Uh, red.

It's a good thing we caught this when we did.

It turns out, your eyes are in your hands.

[screams]

[music]

So... your health insurance didn't cover any of that.

Here's your bill.

[screams]

- Debit or credit? - Credit.

Luke, I am your father.

That's not true! That's impossible!

Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Noooooo!

You see? That right there.

That "noooooo" ... you get that from me.

I said the very same thing when I got this suit.

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

- Noooooo! - Noooooo!

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

- Noooooo! - Noooooo!

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

Oh, we can make a dress for you, Cinderelli.

The birds will help.

Oh, you're such wonderful friends.

First, take off those ratty old clothes.

[humming]

Keep going. [club music plays]

Narrator: Welcome back to the overwatch league on ESPN.

Esports are the future

and the future is now,

begging the question of what time even means.

And here we go.

Bastion's in sentry mode

and that means trouble for exposed players.

Oh! Out of nowhere, it's Widowmaker

with a perfect sniper shot

and the Omaha Tripe Munchers take the mats.

Yes! Both hands on my tit!

Mm-mm-mm-mm, suck my dick!

Ooh, sorry about the language, but this is ESPN, after all.

We still use the name of Washington's NFL team.

Oh, my gosh. I can't believe I'm actually on ESPN!

Hey, everyone tuning in to see football.

Enjoy watching a bunch of weird-looking outcasts

play video games instead! The nerds are taking over!

Can I get a "what-what"?

- What-what... - I'm not a nerd.

I quit basketball because Stanford

gave me an overwatch scholarship.

- I have 11 endorsement deals. - Yeah, we're not nerds, dude.

How could you insult us like that?

Well, jeez, I never met you guys before today.

We only play over headsets, so I just assumed you were a bunch of dorks.

When did nerds get so hot? What, did y'all have lasik?

First, I was a nerd, because I wasn't cool.

And now nerds are cool, and I'm still not cool?

What the fuck?! Oh, god, I'm all alone.

[sobbing] Just a stereotypical nerd spanking it to Widowmaker.

Oh, I spank it to Widowmaker.

Oh, I definitely spank it to Widowmaker.

I'm spanking it to Widowmaker right now.

Oh, wow, I'm one of you, after all.

I belong, because ... oh, Jesus.

- He's really doing it, you guys ... - Cut to a real sport!

He's jacking off, for god's sake!

[tone beep]

Announcer: Wow. A true athlete, folks.

♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪

♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪

- Ba-gawk! - Bawk.

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~