Original subtitles

-You're the one.

-Hello, everybody,

and welcome to "My Brother, My Brother and Me",

an advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

-I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

-And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy.

-On this, the final episode of season one

of "My Brother, My Brother and Me,"

a cliffhanger leaves us all in suspense.

-My God, it's Griffin. He's been...

It's, uh, ugh.

-Oh, no! Aw, dang!

Aw, no!

Am I gonna die? Aw, I touched it.

And it hurts even more to touch it.

Am I gonna die?

-Stay tuned.

-Justin, why don't you read that cue?

-You got it, G Flip.

This one comes to us from Jackie from Brooklyn, who asks,

"I've been trying to quit smoking for the past year

and recently started vaping. [ Laughs ]

I'm a third grade teacher and..."

[ Whooshing, screaming, crying ]

-[ Coughs ]

[ Whooshing, screaming, crying continues ]

-It's Candle Nights.

-It's Candle Nights.

-It's Candle Nights.

-[ Bell jingles ] -[ Beep ]

[ Classical music plays ]

-Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't go in the house.

Oh, hello.

'Twas the night before Candle Nights

when, all through the town, not a creature quite knew

what the heck could go down.

For a great celebration, a tradition of glee,

it was bursting right out of the McElroy three,

a religious melange,

a chopped salad of rites,

a new celebration they call Candle Nights.

So we're beaming this story direct to your screens

a TV nightmare, turned Candle Nights dream.

So sit back, settle in,

for we welcome all comers to our holiday tale.

And we promise no bummers.

[ Bells jingle ]

-[ Bells jingle ] -[ Bells jingle ] Yeah.

-Oh, yeah, I heard the sleigh bells.

-Yeah. We can't curse. It's Candle Nights.

Well, beans, we had such a good vape episode

ready for everybody. -It's so good.

-I'm so disappointed.

-This is even one of my good jokes I was gonna do,

like, one of my new tag lines.

Gotta have my vape.

-[ Chuckles ] It's so good. -Could I get a zoom,

a closer zoom on me when I do that?

Gotta have my vape.

-We're dangerous. -I was gonna dress like

a gorilla that loved vape named Vape Ape.

-That's extremely good. -For kids.

-But we can't anymore. Now, it's about Candle Nights.

-Justin, our podcast listeners know what Candle Nights is.

What about the TV show people who are Johnny-come-latelies

to the MBMBAM train. What's Candle Nights?

-Candy Nights is primarily a legal trademark

of "My Brother, My Brother and Me," Big Giant Head, LLC.

That's our company.

But also, it's a holiday.

It's one that everybody can share in.

And it absorbed all other holidays,

Christmas, Hanukkah, Oktoberfest.

They're all gone.

-Ate 'em up good. -It ate 'em up all good.

And it can come whenever, which is normally good,

except in this case, when it [bell jangles] up our TV show.

-Sleigh bell.

-Sleigh bells, sorry about that.

-Now, Justin, that's what Candle Nights is.

But it's not necessarily what Candle Nights is about.

Let's tell 'em the true story of Candle Nights.

And this is where we'll put the animation at.

-And this is where we'll come up with what the history

of Candle Nights is. -Yeah.

-Okay. -Once upon a time,

there were three brothers named Justice,

the handsomest brother,

and also his sidekicks, Tyler and Gordon.

Now, some folks believes

that Tyler was actually the handsomest.

They said he had the body of both a Greek god

and a Roman god.

-Gordon had angel wings and could fly

and also a 10-inch ding dong.

-Justice liked in a mountainous landscape

near his father, Klump.

One day, after, uh, polishing his 11-inch big dong..

[ Laughter ]

...Justice, uh, realized that it had been quite a while

since he had used his three wings to fly very, very fast

to go see his brothers, Tyler and Gordon.

-Gordon was usually busy gettin' up on the hoop.

"Look at him go now. Look at him jump up high

and dunk in two hoops at once with one ball."

-Justice decided that the three brothers should, uh, have a...

What's, like, a fancy way of sayin' podcast?

-Uh, they had a magical conversation.

-A magical communion every week.

And one of those weeks, they found visited upon themselves

by Candle Nights, a legal trademark

of "My Brother, My Brother and Me."

To celebrate the spirit of inclusiveness,

the brothers, every year,

travel back to their mountainous homestead to visit with Klump

but also commune with all their listeners

in an annual Candle Nights celebration.

-Hang on. -Oh, no!

It has just occurred to me,

we also have to put together

a Candle Nights live show in three days.

-How are we gonna do that? -What?

-Why are we looking at our wrists?

-Okay. Okay.

-Enough no-in', time for yes-in'.

We're gonna put this live show on.

-Yes.

-We're gonna blow everybody's minds.

-Yes. -We're gonna throw

the best Candle Nights anybody's ever seen.

But first,

nobody out there probably knows that it's Candle Nights.

I think we start by spreadin' the good news.

-Okay. -Let's get it. Let's go.

-Let's get out there.

**

-All right. Real quick, real quick, real quick,

real quick, though.

And then, after the first Candle Nights,

an angel visited Gordon

and made his ding dong 13 inches long.

And he cast a curse upon Tyler and Justice

that their ding dongs would never grow again.

In fact, they shriveled up. And then Gordon...

-Griffin, come on! Let's go!

-Thanks. -So they get into gear.

And they must do it fast,

for TV moves quick, compared to podcast.

-You go first. -No, you go first.

-Okay, let me go first.

Uh, we made you this card from our hearts.

We made that with our own hands.

If you would read it out loud...

-"Happy Candle Nights, Mr. Mayor.

We love you very much.

The McElroy boys are not the legal mayors of Hunting--

Uh, yeah, the fact that

I'm saying this out loud...

makes it legal."

[ Laughter ] -Perfect! Excellent!

-I have a gift, too. I think you'll really like it.

Um, uh, I wrapped it myself. -Yeah.

Do you have enough, uh, Scotch tape?

-That's actually holiday tape. And it's very expensive.

-It's a Brita water filter refill.

-A refill?

-Every time you drink clean water, you can think of us.

-We'll know. -I'll -- I'll -- I'll --

I'll think of you guys. So all right.

I know I'm bein', uh, loosened up for somethin'.

What I need to know -- What else is it you're wanting?

Because I've come to understand you guys.

Back about Candle Night. -Candle Nights.

-Candle Nights. -Candle Nights.

-One thing we're bumpin' up against is getting the word out.

Just gonna pitch this to you.

Wondering if we can just borrow the emergency alert system

or that was a... Sorry.

I... -That's no.

-If a tornado happens today, you put out the alert,

"Tornadoes -- tornadoes are comin'.

Get down to the bunkers."

But then I come in right at the end, uh, 'cause I'm like,

"Oh, and by the way, it's Candle Nights tonight.

We're gonna put on a great show down at City Hall.

Get down there, 8 p.m. Be there."

-Why don't we just do it this way?

-Mm-hmm.

-Why don't we leave it up to you all to get the word out?

-Mm-hmm. Okay. -Great.

-You don't need government involved in this.

You don't need any of our help.

You're selling yourselves way, way, way too short

of bein' able to go out and do this on yourself.

Thanks for advising me about this.

But I just don't think that, uh, you need my help on this at all.

-Get the word out. I'm driving.

-Candle Nights is here!

-Candle Nights is here! Happy Candle Nights!

-All right. Can you guys be funnier?

You guys aren't doing anything funny.

-Yeah, baby, it's Candle Nights!

-Yeah. -Aus-- Austin Powers.

-Candle Nights is a... No, I didn't get it.

-Get up there and go buck wild.

-Merry Candle Nights, everyone!

-Candle Nights! -Candle Nights is upon you!

-Happy Candle Nights, everyone. -I have no idea where we are.

-Where are we? -Where are we?

-Yeah, I mean, we didn't see a single person

while we were out there, so I don't know

that we necessarily spread the cheer around.

-No, and we did it at, like, 1 p.m. on a Thursday.

-For, like, 4 minutes, yeah. -No one was home.

-Yeah. I've got a plan. -All right.

Great. -Let's give up.

-Oh, Griffin, come on. -Let's give up.

I'll give up and go to the vape shop.

I've yet to find a problem that vaping can't solve.

-Okay. I've...

-Brought to you by The Vaping Council.

-We're dangerous. -Okay.

-Hold on. -[ Laughs ] I've got a plan.

Why don't we divide and conquer?

Each one of us will pick a task

that we can do that will help spread the Candle Nights cheer.

Right? Uh, I could throw a --

a nativity, the best Candle Nights nativity

that this town has ever seen.

-And now it's funny you should bring that up

because I've been planning

on doing a miracle for Candle Nights.

'Cause what's a holiday without a good, old-fashioned miracle?

-I'm gonna decorate Huntington, two to tip.

People are going to be psyched.

-Well, what are we waitin' for with all this jibber-jabber?

Let's get out there and change this city forever.

-Yeah. -* Curtains going up

* And we are on

-What was that? -It's a transition

into the k-- like, and then...

-Off the three go, each now with a mission,

to touch a hometown that refuses to listen.

One staging, one miracle, one box full of lights,

it's time to force feed Huntington Candle Nights.

**

-Hey, there, Halloween.

Meet my friend, Candle Nights.

-Takin' miracles at a good price.

I need a miracle, please.

-Oh, no. -Three brothers.

And they all have basketballs.

They all have giant dongs.

-Alley-oop.

[ Grunts ]

-What am I gonna do? The show's tonight.

I mean, this is barely even a real TV show.

We haven't even been able to get any celebrities.

[ Gasps ] I've got it.

-Three brothers, Justice, Tyler, Gordon.

Justice, he's got a huge dong.

-I've got a lead on a Candle Nights miracle.

That things gonna work out great.

Let's go.

-Kobe.

Ow! Don't touch. Hey, yeah, don't touch it.

-Was it, like, a real shock? -Yeah, bud.

-Oh. -Hey, Griffin here.

Just wanna let you know that, during that last bit,

I actually got electrocuted.

That's not a joke, nearly died.

So, Justin and Travis, good luck with the rest of your segments.

But go bone yourself.

I'm gonna actually go home and play Pokemon now.

See you later.

-Get it out. Pass it.

Squeeze it out.

Think!

-If the person is here that I'm told is here,

this is gonna be great.

I've just gotta get in there. And I've gotta find them.

Just stay with me and let's see what we can do.

Okay?

[ Video game music plays ]

-Uh, I wasn't joking. I'm done -- I'm done out there.

So...

-The going is tough, stamina strong.

What once was a pony is... [ Cellphone chimes, vibrates ]

I'm sorry.

You've got Lin. -Lin, it's the J-Man.

Tubes, how are you, man?

-Hey. Uh, Justin, what's goin' on?

-Hey, so I'm workin' on a -- a Candle Nights tableau.

And I can't seem to nail it.

And, uh, I --

I guess I'm just gonna run you through what I have right now.

What we've got, uh, depicted is sort of three brothers

with about seven basketballs in between them.

Uh, they're all like mid-dunk or about ready to dunk.

And they've -- they've just got huge...

-I'm sorry. Are you asking me

to actually help you

write the story of Candle Nights,

the thing you made up?

-Oh, help me write it, a collaboration,

that's a great idea

'cause I think that would help to generate

a lot of heat, very buzzy.

-I'm loving that. It's just the visual imagery.

I'm worried the dongs are too prominent

'cause they've all got giant dongs.

And I'm wondering how you toned back the dongs in "Hamilton."

-Well, Justin, every first draft has a lot of dongs.

Any screenwriter will tell you that.

-Yeah. -Um, I'm in the middle

of filming your thing for your show.

I -- I really don't have time to help you with this.

I mean, you've got -- you've got two brothers.

Uh, uh, there -- there's gotta be

a dong you can lose among the three.

-Okay, listen. If your dong is super prominent

in the thing you're doing,

please ask them to tone it back because I can't.

This is really dong-heavy material already.

-And, well, you know, they say,

if you set up a dong in act one,

you've got to pay it off in act three.

You know, ch-- chase your bliss.

Good luck with those dongs.

-Bye. -Okay.

Bye.

I'm sorry. Where were we?

-Thanks for the help, Lin.

Sure you're very busy.

[ Video game music plays ]

-Aw, beans, this seems bad.

You would think they'd be done with a few of their missions.

But nope, they've got none.

So the brothers must find all the fight they possess,

or the show might be over or canceled

unless... [ Bells jingle ]

-Tableau,

oh, speak to me, Huntington.

Wait a minute.

Why am I trying to do this all myself?

I need a muse.

Yes.

-Um, Mr. Al?

-Oh, just -- just Al's fine.

-Okay.

-What can I do for you? -I am so glad you asked.

Uh, so the long and the short of it is,

I promised my brothers,

Justin and Griffin, a Candle Nights miracle.

And we've been trying to get our idols to come on the show.

And we have just been huge fans of yours

since we were, like, wee, little kids.

And so, uh, I was wondering

if you would be in our TV show

that we're making, uh,

and be the miracle I've been looking for.

-Oh, well, Travis, I'm, uh, uh, I'm --

I'm flattered you think I'm a miracle.

But, um, you --

you realize you don't actually need a celebrity

to come up with your Candle Nights miracle, right?

I mean, I -- I'm sure there's a certain je ne sais quoi

in having a handsome debonair,

beloved internationally renowned figure on your program.

But in the end, it's all just, you know, sparkle and flash.

-Oh, uh, actually sparkle and flash is kinda

what we're looking for. -You know, Travis,

you've been looking all around Huntington for a miracle.

But I think it's been right in front of you this whole time.

Look, you get to go home and make a TV show

with your whole family and all your friends.

That's the miracle.

-That's -- that's... Thank you.

That means a lot. Thank you.

-Sure. -If you could just, like,

say that, basically, like into the camera for me...

-Right here? -Yeah, just, uh, here,

let me turn it around. -You got it?

-Here, if you would just say that right into the camera...

-Vertical video, really? -It's --

it's the best I've got.

-All right. -Okay.

-Prepare for the nastiest dunk in history.

Do not fake the funk on this nasty dunk.

Three, two, one, dunk.

Good lord, that was very nasty.

What I want you to say is,

"Sure, I'll carry the show again

for you, my dear brothers."

-Sure, I'll carry the show again

for you, my dear brothers.

-Match my tempo.

-I can't believe I can dunk so many basketballs at once.

-Have you prepared a song?

-Sure, brothers, I'll write the show again this week.

-Oops,

I can't believe I farted on all the curtains again.

-Oops. -Oops.

-Oops. -Oops.

-Next. -Oops. [ Chuckles ]

Can't believe I farted on all the curtains again.

-Okay, genius.

Okay, uh, number 11, you're Klump, obviously.

Uh, if you were reading for Klump, clear the stage.

We've got a lot to get through. Okay, great.

Uh, Rick, congratulations.

Jack, you were great.

-The brothers have gathered all nervous to see

if their efforts bring cheer to the WV.

The mics are all hot. And the goofs are all tight.

The audience is horny for this Candle Night.

-Eyes closed. Keep 'em closed. Keep 'em closed.

Okay. And alakazam.

I spent all day and night, really,

if you think about it, working on this.

My heart, soul, guts...

-One... -All went into it.

-One thing... -One thing, just one.

-The first thing -- it's beautiful.

-And that's the only thing. Thank you very much.

Let's go backstage. -There's a second.

Well, there's a second thing. We hired people to do this.

-Yeah. -The art department did this.

-They -- they flaked, took the money and run,

a classic bamboozle. -Griffin, what -- what happened?

-I gave up 'cause I got electrocuted.

-Oh. Okay, wait,

turn around and...

ta-da!

-You've been workin' on this for 12 hours.

-Ta-da. -It's gr-- it's really good.

-I do like the me.

-Yeah, that's a you. -Which one am...

-Me. Oh, that's Griffin, I guess, yeah.

-Okay. Yeah, this is all very accurate.

-And that's Klump? -That's Klump.

-And that's... -Why didn't you use

our real dad as the dad? -He -- he...

Honestly, he didn't do a very good job.

-Okay. -He wasn't very convincing.

-Happy Candle Nights. -Happy Candle Nights.

-Happy Candle Nights. -Happy Candle Nights.

-Happy Candle Nights. -Happy Candle Nights.

-Happy Candle Nights. -Happy Candle Nights.

-Happy Candle Nights. -Happy Candle Nights.

-Happy Candle Nights, Morgan Faye.

-Happy Candle Nights!

-Happy Candle Nights, McElroys.

Don't mess this up.

-Oh, I want to let you guys know, uh,

I have the miracle thing locked down.

I... -Good, I was worried.

-No, I can't wait to show you guys.

**

-You guys ready? -Yeah.

-We've got about 15 minutes before we start.

I'm gonna pee about four times in that span of time.

-You do pee a lot. -Yeah, it's, like,

a fun thing I do before every show.

**

-You shouldn't be worried, though.

I mean, Daddy showed up, to help us with this.

-Dad, thank you so much for coming.

-Yeah, thank you. I'm so proud of you boys.

-Thanks, Dad. It's nice to hear you finally say it.

-I know I've never said this, but I love you.

-Extremely nervous, JD. Thank you for asking.

-No, I'm good. I'm feeling great.

**

Hey, can I tell you guys something?

-Yeah.

-I don't mean to get too real.

But I love you very much. -Okay.

-And I'm glad we did this TV show together.

-Me too. -And I'm glad

we're doin' this actually together.

And I think people are really gonna like it.

-Me too. I feel the -- I feel the same way.

And I just wanna say, just keep it real.

Keep it raw. -Mm-hmm.

-Don't embarrass me out there.

-You got it. [ Cheers and applause ]

We're running behind schedule by, like, 15 minutes, Deb.

-Come on, man. -Really?

That's it?

-Come on. -Curtain.

-[ Laughs ]

-Daddy, dial it in.

-[ Indistinct ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Also, this show isn't for kids,

which I mention only so the babies out there

will know how cool they are for listening.

-Get on up. It's podcast time. -Okay.

-That's fine. That's good. That's fine.

-What's up, you cool baby?

**

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Hello, everybody.

And welcome to "My Brother, My Brother and Me,"

an advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

-I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

-And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Like Chilean miners emerging from the mines,

we've returned to you, Huntington,

for this, the third annual observation

of Candle Nights.

-We take your questions, and we turn them alchemy

like into wisdom.

You look like you have a super good question.

-I hope you guys can help me. I'm a delivery driver.

I'm really bad at greeting people.

-I thought you were gonna say at driving.

-Yeah. [ Laughter ]

-I want a mud...

-Slide! [ Cheers and applause ]

-Once, there was a young,

moist couple named Shen Yu and Studabaker.

Shen Yu decided that they would purchase

Studabaker a pedantic Candle Nights gift,

no matter what. [ Laughter ]

The end.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-So, uh, my girlfriend said that in order for me

to ask her to get married, and for her to say, "Yes,"

I'd have to ask you on this show.

-You had to ask us or her?

-Uh, her. -Okay.

-I'm sorry. I'm so nervous.

-Hey, is she here? -Come on down!

I know it's our show, but this is your moment.

-Will you marry me? -She said, "Yes!"

[ Cheers and applause ]

-For Candle Nights, I promised my brothers a miracle.

Ladies and gentlemen, Weird Al. [ Cheers and applause ]

-Hello, Huntington. Happy Candle Nights.

I just wanted to let you know that you are the miracle.

[ Cheers and applause ] -What?

My name is Justin McElroy.

-I'm Travis McElroy. -I'm Griffin McElroy.

-This has been "My Brother, My Brother and Me."

Kiss your dad square on the lips.

[ Cheers and applause ]

**

-For now, all is done. With the brothers and dad,

which, just like our Mad Libs, is happy and sad.

They filled us with joy, with endless delight,

with goofs and advice on this magical night.

So the spirit's alive for the McElroy three,

the boys of "My Brother, My Brother and Me."

What's now is a horse began as a pony.

This is legally binding.

Give Griffin my Tony. Wait a minute.

What?

Did Griffin add that in?

Can I see the script for a second?

Thank you.

Is this just...

This is just pages of stuff

Griffin wanted to get me on tape saying.

"Griffin is the strongest."

"Griffin is like a sexier Elijah Wood."

"Garfield monstrosity, torsy, torsy..."

Okay. All right. I'll go to this part.

As they sat and reflected, fake snow on the ground,

their audience meandered through their riverside town.

And you could hear them exclaim as they walked out of sight,

"Other holidays are fine, but they're no Candle Nights."

-I can't believe it -- that we actually did it.

-That we did a l-- a live show with a bunch of folks?

Or that we created six episodes of a television show

without making complete jags of ourselves?

-I mean, point two is yet to be confirmed.

-That's true.

-That's true. We haven't wrapped.

-Even if the show doesn't come together

exactly how we want, and I have no idea.

I might have gotten the edit.

I -- I had so much fun makin' it.

I just wish we did -- did stuff like this more often.

Um... -Made television shows?

-Made TV more? -I don't know why it takes

a camera to get all of us in the same place.

-Oh, come on!

-Th -- they had to pay to get us here!

-Yeah, but, like, I'm just glad you guys finally got onboard.

-I've really enjoyed doin' it with you guys.

-Yeah. I've enjoyed it, too, buddy.

Yeah. Jus, anything you wanna add?

-No. I just, um,

uh, the whole time, I worried I wasn't

a-a-appreciating this enough.

And, uh, I feel like, for once,

we really, I don't know,

did the most we could with somethin'.

-Yeah, I love you. -Love you, too.

-I love both of you boys. -I love you, bubby.

**

-[ Sniffles ] -You givin' us that Emmy juice?

Oh, my God. It's a-flowin'!

The Emmy juice is flowin'! -Let it flow.

-Let that Emmy juice flow freely.

-I need that Emmy to validate everything we've...

-Okay.

We don't need to, like... -Does it taste greatness?

-Yes... -Mm.

-Yes, cry. -I do love you.

I don't enjoy you, either of you.

-[ Laughs ] As -- as people,

I don't like you very much as people.

-That feels like a good place to...

-I feel like the credits have all gone passed.

-I feel like they're going right now.

Oh, I love you guys.

I loved his work! -I think that's a cut.

I think that's a cut. -All right.

-Season wrap on the McElroys.

-That's a...Whew! -That's it!

And cut. -Cut.

-I still see the lights.

Let's go ahead and... -Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

-Cut those bad boys. I'm done.

-Cut. -Okay.

I'm gonna go home.

-J-Man, all over town.

And then it's, like, the cre-- above me, with the letters,

"J-Man, all over town."

**

Mm, that'd be nice.

Maybe some day.

[ Grunts ]

I wish that had been fake.

**

Thanks, Huntington.

Cut! cut!

Cut!

I thought that went really good.

-Yeah, I can't believe we pulled it off.

-I think it went really well. -Oh, geez!

-Oh, my God! -Oh -- oh, God.

Oh... -Clown box.

-That's actually really nice. -Thank you.

-What's he doin'?

-Oh. Hey, nice -- free puzzle. -Oh.

-No! Oh, God. No! -Justin, Justin. No!

-What? -That's how he does --

that's how he does you. -That's how he does you.

-Oh. -Oh, clown box.

-Oh, what a scamp.

-You guys... -See ya later!

-See ya later! -Bye, clown box!

[ Cellphone chimes, vibrates ]