Original subtitles

-We're gonna have some interactive fun right now.

So if you've got voice recognition,

maybe Cortana or Siri on your phone,

press the button if you need to or just hold it up.

Just let us go buck wild on your phone.

-Hey, Siri! Open contacts. Delete all Dereks.

-Hey, Siri?

Text Mom, "Funyuns for dinner?"

-Hey, Siri. Text Derek, "That was a trap."

If you did it, you didn't pay attention earlier.

Get those Dereks the fuck out of here!

-Siri, change "home" to "Baskin Robbins."

-Hey, Siri. Close all applications.

You need to pay attention to our comedy show.

-Hey, Siri? -Oh, good.

-Hey, Siri? -There's another one.

-Open Twitter.

[ Classical music plays ]

-The McElroy brothers are not experts,

and their advice should never be followed.

They're just three brothers who created a podcast,

and now they've returned to their hometown

to tape a TV show.

Also, this show isn't for kids,

which I mention only so you babies out there

know how cool you are for watching.

What's up, you cool baby?

[ Mid-tempo theme music plays ]

* It's familiar

* But not too familiar

* But not too not familiar

* It's a new craze

[ Indistinct singing ]

-What are you doing?

-Getting the dust.

-That's gross, though. We're doing the show.

-I didn't... -Hello, everybody,

and welcome to "My Brother, My Brother & Me,"

an advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

-I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

-And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy.

-That -- You got to save that for the end.

Welcome to our viewers that are playing along

with our alternate-reality game, or ARG.

-Or Argh! -Arrgh!

-That's good. -If you've been watching

the previous episodes with eagle eyes,

then you've been spotting the clues

that we've delicately woven

into every scene of every episode.

-I know it doesn't paint you in the best light, maybe.

-Welcome to New Dugburg!

-Reginald VelJohnson.

-[ Speaks indistinctly ]

-We're really sorry if you've missed it up to this point

because, honestly, this show's not gonna make much sense

unless you're playing along with it.

So for the rest of this episode,

we're gonna try to make the clues a lot more prominent

and obvious from this point forward.

-Seven!

-We asked our listeners for lots of questions.

And, uh... -Seven is the clue.

-This one comes to us from Nathan.

-Seven! -"I recently overheard

someone mention my boss' name in a conversation

about high-ranking members

of a certain ancient secret society.

What are some ways I can drop subtle hints at work

that I'm interested in this organization

without making it obvious I know his secret?"

And that's Nathan from Louisville.

-What do you think that conversation was like?

That they overheard, of like, "Oh, yeah?

Masons? Bill's in that!

Chief of it, I think!"

-Masons are too surface-level.

I don't even think Masons are "secret society" anymore.

-There's a secret society

that's running the entire country, right?

-Yes, clearly. -Clearly.

We have our minds. We have our charisma.

We have the fact that we're making a TV show.

And everybody gonna want a slice of that pie.

-Just want to say, I don't have any charisma. So...

-Well, one of us has charisma. -Okay.

-Between the three of us,

we have the charisma of a regular adult man.

Griffin, you have the first question on the floor.

-I don't wanna get murdered. -That's a legitimate fear.

-So what's the first step in our secret hunting?

-The library!

-You seemed to really kind of pull that one out of nowhere.

-Well, where else are you gonna go for information?

We'll go -- we'll head over there, and we'll figure out...

Oh, what's that?

-It appears to be an envelope.

-Did somebody put this on? -Yeah, somebody -- some --

one of the producers put it on. -Oh, okay. Cool.

-Oh, all right. -Funny.

Did one of them draw this?

-What? -Greg, did you draw this?

-Steven? -Steve?

-New guy? Keep it up. You're doing a great job.

-That, to me, looks like one of those maps

that you use at the library.

-Griffin... -The Dewey Decimal System?

-Let's just go to the next scene.

It's in the fucking library. We already did it!

We're going to the library now 'cause we did it! Star wipe!

-Star wipe!

[ Classical music plays ]

-I don't know how to read this.

This means it will be

a "National Treasure: Book of Secrets."

I think it might be this giant memoir of Barbara Bush.

-That's probably not the Barbara Bush memoir.

-She's full of secrets.

-No.

-There's no maps or nothing. -No.

-I'm gonna hold on to this, though,

'cause I'm interested. -Any nudes?

-That's horrible.

-Our brother Travis assures us that he

has used one of these machines before.

-We've got it. -You're almost certainly

supposed to get help with this, right?

-It says, "Pull forward." -Please don't break anything.

-It...

Motherfucker.

-No nudes. -You're not gonna believe this.

My book has a video man in it.

Hold on. Let me play it.

'Sup, fools? It's me, Thomas Jefferson.

[ All gasp ] -What?

Faster, Travis!

I'm not finding what I need!

Whoa. Whoa! That seems wrong.

-The Bill of Rights was a prank.

-Wait. Whoa. Okay. I think that --

-That's crazy!

-That's got some troubling repercussions.

-That's -- that's not great.

[ Deep voice ] Yeah, I know.

-Guys, there's nothing funny in this section.

-We're here at the beautiful

and historic Keith Albee theater.

Constructed in...

-1928. -...1928.

If there are secrets buried in Huntington leading us

to the powers that control the city,

we're gonna find them here.

The game's afoot.

-"Hose rack." It's an anagram.

-Shoe cark. -Horse cak.

-Horse... -Horse ack.

-Horse. -Horse!

-Rhose car.

-Race... I don't think --

-That's nothing. This is nothing.

-That might just be a hose rack.

There's definitely a key to press on this

that's gonna unlock this whole thing.

-But wait! -It says, "Don't touch it,"

so we should only touch it once.

So these are great buttons to press.

-Yeah. -Why are you touching it?

-You are definitely touching it.

That's our one touch. So now we don't get to do it.

Great job, Justin. You guys, I found a secret passageway.

-Okay, well that's -- that's just a do--

-Griffin, that's just a loose door.

-Oh, you'll never believe what's back here, though.

-Nothing?

-I do just because it's the childhood dream.

I want to check out the catacombs.

-If you set off an alarm,

that will be the end of our "National Treasure" journey.

It's trash.

-Well, check this room. -Oh, no!

I super don't wanna check this room!

Ceilings are getting a little low.

-Yeah. Here. Let me just look here and see.

-We've hit a point in the corridor

where our cameras can't fit inside anymore.

So Justin and Travis went on ahead to scout.

How -- what is -- what is in there?

-Griffin, I wish you could see this, Griffin.

-This is no joke. There's a tunnel leading back.

This might be the fabled tunnel.

-Whoa. Is that --

Trav, look! Coming out of the wall!

-What? -It's two swords!

-These are awesome! -I wanna --

I also want a sword!

-Whoa! -Can I trade with one

of you guys and get swords and stuff?

-Listen, ancient spirits.

Thank you so much for your benevolence.

But please make this look like a regular hallway.

-That was so much fun!

And now we're even closer as brothers!

-Oh, man.

-I love you. -I love you.

-That was great! I'm gonna go see what's --

I'm gonna go see if I can find anything. -Okay.

They already switched it back to a plain hallway.

-Hey! This looks like a regular tunnel!

-See. He has no idea.

-Wait a minute -- Benjamin Franklin!

-No. He's lying. -What are you doing here?

-This isn't real. -Let's just listen.

He's desperate.

-Hey! Sonic the Hedgehog is in here!

He just gave me a big bag of weed!

-Sonic the Hedgehog didn't give Griffin weed.

-Guys, I'm getting smoked out

by Sonic the Hedgehog and Benjamin Franklin.

-Thirty-four and five -- 39.

Ready? Are you -- Do you wanna get a hand on it, Trav?

If you can just -- Well, we're...

-Okay. -There we go.

-[ Imitates "X Files" noise ] That was the "X-Files" noise.

There's nothing. Wait, did we check under the X?

-No, don't do that. That's probably there for a reason.

-Apparently not, 'cause there's no clues.

[ Classical music plays ]

Who is the shadowy organization

that controls all the banks and government in Huntington?

-What?

-Who is pulling the strings,

the puppet master?

-Well, I am the mayor.

-The real puppet masters of the whole enchilada.

-Did you all stay up late last night

watching a bunch of movies?

-We did have a movie-and-candy party.

But that doesn't change the fact that a shadowy organization

controls the banks and government of Huntington.

-Why would you think

that there is some unknown "puppet master"

preventing you from doing what you're able to do yourself?

-Why wouldn't you think

there's some unknown puppet master

preventing me from doing... the rest of the sentence?

-Why would I think it? -Why wouldn't you, though?

-"Why wouldn't you?" is the question. -That's my question.

Why wou-- why would I?

Why are you here with me?

-Hey, "Nathan." It's me, Justin McElroy,

the guy whose episode you fucked.

-Did you really think we were gonna find

the Illuminati on our TV show?

-We can't do easy things on our TV show.

And you want us to do a hard one?

-This is a ding-dong podcast!

-You're a jerk-person, Nathan. -Hold on.

Let me look up Nathan's address in the Yellow Pages.

Oh. It says here "a garbage can."

-Let me look up Nathan's phone number.

-Justin's gonna slam you here in a second.

Light this motherfucker up!

-Get him! Get him, Justin!

-That's right.

Eat that shit, Nathan!

-Live in it. Now you're a fart.

Justin's right.

-I don't know. I don't know!

In every other bit of this show,

Huntington has swung its proverbial doors

open wide to us,

the TV boys made good, but not with this one.

-We reached out to a cornucopia of both secret

and hyper-public societies,

all of which said either "Fuck you,"

or "Okay," and then 5 minutes later, "Fuck you."

-The Huntington Railroad Society said they were too busy.

Marshall University Human Resources Management Society.

Also the Marshall University Fishery Society.

-Why the fuck did we call them? -That one's on us.

-I think we need to just stick with it, boys.

I think we need to power through.

-I don't wanna.

Well, things are pretty dire.

We've found nothing but brick walls in front of us

no matter which way we've turned.

So we've returned here to the, you know, beautiful and historic

Keith Albee Theater to visit

with the one society that would have us.

[ Blues music plays ]

-Brothers McElroy. -Hi.

-Hey!

Good to see you.

-Wow, you guys didn't miss a beat.

You're unflappable.

-Yeah. That was amazing. -Thanks for joining us.

You guys are the Huntington Blues Society.

Thank you for sitting down with us.

How does somebody join the Huntington Blues Society?

How many contracts and blood oaths and stuff?

-Unfortunately for you all, it's pretty much show up.

-Hey, can my friend Nathan join?

-Yes. -Yeah.

-Okay, he's in. -You're in, Nathan!

Congratulations! -We got one. We got one.

-There's one you're in.

-And if this isn't taken already,

I would like Nathan to be the King of Blues.

-I'm the King of Blues.

-Well, there's three Kings of Blues already.

-He can be the Prince Regent of Blues.

-That's pretty good. -I like that.

-Yeah? -Prince of Blues.

-I think it's all about a catchy thing in a title.

We'll work out the duties later.

-You don't get to run any banks.

But you're the Prince of Blues.

-Let me actually ask you all.

We are probably gonna end up

having to start our own secret society.

Based on your alls experiences,

what would be some tips you have for us?

-Try to keep the jerks out seems to be a good formula.

-No jerks. -Do you vote jerks out?

-You just don't let them jam? -Yeah, we don't let them jam.

-That's after the jam. -Take their jamming power away.

-If you get kicked out of the Blues Society

and you're sad about it, what do you do then?

Thanks, y'all. -Best of luck, bros.

-Can you play us out, please? -That would be great.

-We could play you out.

[ Guitar plays ]

-That's actually very slow.

-A little faster.

[ Classical music plays ]

-Who are you calling?

-Skull and bones.

-Thank you for calling Shell and Bones.

This is Carrie speaking. Can you please hold?

-Yes. Hi.

Sorry, did you say this is Shell and Bones?

-Yes.

-Okay. Sorry. I have the wrong number.

I was trying to get ahold of the Skull and Bones.

You guys are a restaurant?

-Yes. -Like an oyster restaur--

-We have oysters here, an oyster bar and grill.

-Oh, that sounds nice. You don't run any...

Okay. Thank you very much.

-I'm gonna take a big old swing.

-Ooh.

-Because I'm really excited to say this sentence

I get to say if they answer the phone.

-Oh. Okay. -Hi, is this who I would call

to speak to about the Knights Templar?

-Uh, yes.

-Well, I'm calling on behalf of a friend.

I was just calling to find out

what the application process was,

what kind of requirements there were to join the Knights Templar.

Have to be a Mason. -Yes.

-Okay.

Is there a good number to call to join the Masons?

-Um, I'm not sure.

Um, give me one second. -Okay, great. Thank you.

-This is just a phone number you can call!

They know where the Holy Grail is.

And you're talking to them on the phone!

And their number was on Google! -I know!

Yes, hello. I was just calling.

Is this the Masons?

-This is the Knights Templar... [ Indistinct talking ]

-Excellent. I have a friend named Nathan who I'm doing some research for.

And what would Nathan need to do to join the Masons?

Let's start there.

Oh.

Is there any kind of physical fitness requirement to it?

Okay, Thank you so very much.

-You're welcome. Have a good night. -You too. Bye.

-What the fuck? -What the fuck? -What the fuck?

-We just called the fucking Knights Templar!

-Wow! That went so much better than I --

-That went really good! -That was so good!

-Hey, Nathan. Just wanted to hop in here and say,

you remember that bit earlier where we yelled at you

and said bad things about you being a toilet man

who lives in a dumpster?

That was just -- we're -- we were having fun.

Now the episode's kind of turning around.

And so it -- I hope you can take it in good humor.

-You're fine. And thanks for this great episode.

-Justin, do you have anything you wanna say to Nathan?

-Well, I do wanna apologize to the person

who has the phone number 1-[bleep]-fartnow.

-Yeah. -Because you've certainly got

some confusing calls in the previous days.

[ Classical music plays ]

-Here.

-My mic just went inside me.

Here's what I think.

It seems very easy to start your own secret society.

-Yeah. -I think let's do our own thing,

be the biggest secret society that ever existed in Huntington.

Get the mayor involved, get the -- some, you know,

just have fun with the kids. -Some chill-ass folks.

-Yeah, just chill out and have a good time as our own unit.

-We're here at...

Huntington's number-one robe store,

to try to find some robes for our secret society.

**

-These are our secret-society outfits.

No, wait.

These are our secret society outfits.

You look like a businessman

with an extremely specific fetish.

-You look like a new kid in Candyland

that just steals Twizzlers. -You look like a --

a Vaudeville usher who's trying for a management position.

-Justin, you look like a Halloween costume

to represent farts under a blanket.

-Justin looks like some rye bread that a cape got on.

-You look like if hepatitis was a person.

-[ Laughing ]

**

Our preparations are complete.

We're about to begin our first meeting here

at the Huntington Roll-A-Rama.

-Hello and welcome. -Welcome.

-Maybe we should have been more clear about robe type.

-You look terrific. -You look super spooky and good.

-You look super good. -Welcome, welcome.

More bath robes. Damn it.

-Initiates, are you prepared to take a dark journey with us?

We represent the ruling body of K2,

Knights Templar 2: The Wacky Wizards.

Everyone on Earth is a member.

You could only opt out.

If you wish to opt out, this would be the moment.

-Super cool. -Sick. Yeah.

-Yeah. -One second.

I think I'm getting feedback

'cause I'm too close to the speakers?

-Are you ready? -You ready? -Yeah!

-Are you guys ready?

-I don't wanna do that to everybody.

-No, it feels really dark, though.

-You're going down. Just give it a whirl!

Let's reach harmonic unity!

-All: Ahh!

-Shit!

-Now repeat after us. -Hulkamania.

-All: Hulkamania.

-About to run.

-All: About to run.

-Why?

-All: Why?

-Ahh!

-If you betray the Knights Templar 2: Wacky Wizards...

-All: I will have to kill you.

-All: Ahh!

I agree to sign the contract.

I agree to sign the contract.

I agree to sign the contract.

I agree to sign the contract.

-I agree to sign the contract.

-I agree to sign the contract.

-I agree to sign the contract. -I agree to sign the contract.

-I agree to sign the contract.

-Nailed it.

-All: I agree to sign the contract!

-Let the contracts be signed!

-Just sign right there.

-Just wherever the spirit moves you.

-And be ready to take over the banks and stuff.

Getting pretty pumped for that? -I can get us in.

-Cool. -Oh, that's great.

-What's size? -Gentlemen's 12.

-Gentlemen's 12. -Gentlemen's 12.

-Those are down here?

-Welcome to the newest initiates

of Knights Templar 2: Wacky Wizards.

Tomorrow we take over the banks.

Tonight, we get wild!

Music!

**

-Guys, come push me!

That's an excellent job, initiate!

-We're cult leaders! -We did it!

-We're leading a cult! -We have a cult!

-The roller derby team is coming in to practice.

And it's 10:00, and we should really go!

Single-file line.

-Everybody, be real safe. Hey, there's pizza and cake.

-Oh, my knees. -It's okay.

You did great out there. -I just wanna say.

I thought this episode was gonna be kind of a stinkfire.

And I think we actually did okay with it here at the end.

-Yeah, I mean we did the thing, had a great time,

had a few laughs, learned some stuff.

It went great! -So there you have it, Nathan.

A secret society is just a bunch of people getting together,

doing stuff, and then not telling other people about it.

So welcome to our secret society.

-Welcome to K2!

By the way, I just remembered,

we already filmed the ending this episode.

Take it away.

-That was fun. -Yeah, another great adventure.

-Well, tell me about it. What'd you guys get into today?

-All right. So here's the skinny.

We haven't shot the rest of the episode yet.

So we don't know what we got into today.

Maybe it was funny. Maybe it wasn't.

-Why don't we do this?

Instead of just guessing at some shit we did...

-Yeah. -'Cause our comedy is

so dynamic and random... -So random!

-...that we could never get it right.

What if we just move our mouths and we

ADR'd it, I think is what it's called later?

-That's the word. -And so let's just get close-up.

I'll start. Boy, oh, boy.

I had a lot of fun meeting the Huntington Blues Society.

And I loved hearing their good music

and their thoughtful answers to our questions.

-Thanks to Nathan, we were able to grow as brothers and as people.

And now we're closer than ever!

-I'm gonna interrupt and talk about what a great time I had

with you and you. No more messing around.

You know I love these guys. I got something on my pants.

Anyway, this was the best episode ever.

We got to to the library.

We made our own secret society.

We got to go roller skating. It was the best day of my life.

And I owe it all to these jokers.

-Did you catch every ARG clue?

Go to my youngest son's seventh word/my youngest son's

fifteenth word .pizza to unlock your prize.

-Anyway, that's gonna do it for us. Thanks to...

all the new initiates of our secret society.

And we'll see you next time, unless we died in this one.

[ Warped talking ]

-You can't pull the strings on the government

unless you're connected to the government.

-You need bank people, mayors.

-Just join, Steve! -Steve, will you please join?

-We really need this, Steve. -Steve, just join!

-I'm pretty busy. I'm pretty busy.

-Listen. Have you ever wanted to get in

on the ground floor of something?

-Plastics. -Plastics.

-Plastics, exactly.