Original subtitles

-Better cold open it says here.

-That's a little judgey.

-It's so exhausting coming up with a cold open

each episode I think --

-Hey, guys do we not have a person for ants?

Is the ant going to ruin what's the word?

-Continuity. -That's it.

-That one is a mascot.

-What if he's been on there the whole time

and that is what's making the show work?

He is the only thing holding this ship together.

Stay with us anty. Please don't hurt it.

Please don't hurt it. Please don't hurt it.

-Uncle JD don't hurt it. -You're getting this right?

-Got it. -Take him to Jackie.

-Whole world's watching. -Jackie protect the ant.

-Go outside. Take the ant outside.

-He's free. He's outside.

-Well.

Okay let's do a really good cold open this time.

-I think we just did. -Wink.

[ Classical music plays ]

-The McElroy brothers are not experts,

and their advice should never be followed.

They're just three brothers who created a podcast,

and now they've returned to their hometown

to tape a TV show.

Also, this show isn't for kids,

which I mention only so you babies

out there know how cool you are for watching.

What's up, you cool baby?

[ Mid-tempo theme music plays ]

* It's familiar

* But not too familiar

* But not too not familiar

* It's a new craze

[ Indistinct singing ]

-We're starting, we're starting.

Close him up, close him up, close him up.

Hello everybody and welcome to

"My Brother, My Brother and Me" an advice show

for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy.

-I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

-I'm your sweet baby brother Griffin McElroy.

Let me just adjust that volume knob

real quick on our cyber brother.

-Thank you. -I'm going to set this screw.

-'Cause that thing we just did

that is definitely not going to be the intro to the episode.

That's a guarantee.

-I'm going to share with you all the questions

we have this week.

"I am a high school teacher who is tired of dealing

with a class full of grade 12s."

That's 12th graders for you Americans.

Texting, Instagramming, Snapchatting.

How can I get through to my students

if they won't look up from their phones?"

-That's from Courtney from Vancouver.

-Sounds like this is going to be a teen-based affair.

-A teen-heavy episode.

-Teens are very much into the following --

bullying me on Tumblr.

-[ Laughs ] That's a big one. -Dabbing, of course.

-Naturally. -That's the dab?

-That's fresh as hell. -Yeah, it's a good dance.

-One thing I know teens are very into now

that I have picked up through sort of

some counter intelligence,

they like the water bottle flip challenge.

-We are filming this in September 2016.

By the time this airs they won't even remember it.

-They probably don't anymore because we found out about it --

-But I don't think that's gonna be a problem, Justin, because

BOING!

-Fuck. -That would have been so cool.

This is how they do those YouTube videos.

They just do it 100 -- Fuck.

That didn't even touch the desk.

-More arc. More arc. -Oh shit!

[ Laughter ]

-So I think we are pretty plugged in now

to teen trends of yesteryear.

-Here is what I am suggesting, let's get inside with teens.

Let's get undercover.

Step one, we need cover identities.

Teen names. How do you pick your teen?

-Your teen name is the street you grew up on

and your least favorite soda.

-Let me just tweak that a little bit.

Teen name is your least favorite soda

and the first band you ever loved.

-Your teen name is the first band you ever loved

and the last name of your high school teacher.

-Okay and I liked mine.

-Let me just tweak it just a little bit.

-Okay? -Shut up!

We're doing mine!

First name is your least favorite soda.

Last name is your favorite soda.

-[ Laughs ] Okay. Perfect. -Hi.

Hi, my name is Sprite Pepsi. -[ Laughs ]

And I'm 14 years old.

-My name is RC Josta. -RC Josta.

What a sad life you must lead.

-I choose hugs not drugs.

-My name is Sprite Pepsi and I'm abstinence until I die.

-My name is Root beer Surge and I love abstinence.

-So we got our names. We got our identities.

I think we go out there, find some teens,

maybe change their lives. -Yes.

Try to teach them how to communicate and live

without their cell phones.

-I want to get the cell phone away from them in a way

that we will all have a lot of fun with.

-I just think we need to teach them to connect in

a more like honest open --

'cause I think the phone thing is kind of a cry for help

maybe a call for help you know what I mean?

-That would have been better if you said that.

-I think it is more of a call for help.

-I am actually bringing something

to the table for a change.

I have a gateway team, my sister-in-law Rileigh,

who can introduce us to other teens

and give us like someone on the inside.

A woman on the inside

and that will help us I think to get connected.

We can also go to our old high school

and try to recruit some teens.

-We are just adults though.

I don't think they are going to open their doors

and just like adults come on in.

-I'm just going to try to sit backwards on chairs a lot

'cause I think that's good. -That's good.

I've seen that work. -Can you try it in the chair

you're currently sitting in right now?

-Yeah, I think we can do that. It will be kind of like a.

-Oh that's a wide boy isn't it.

-Let me help you out. -No, I got it.

So it would be sort of like this.

-Oh god. Don't break your fucking leg.

-Yeah just don't get stuck. -Okay now say something cool.

-So hey, what's up with drugs?

-If I was between the ages of 13 and 19

I would feel comfortable and connected to you right now.

-Then you say that is a really great point.

Premarital sex is only going to get you one thing -- pleasure.

Second thing -- babies.

Two things you got, one is great but the other one --

is it worth it?

I am here to tell you today it's not.

Just to prove that I am going to rip a phonebook in half.

-[ Laughs ]

Can somebody help me out of the chair?

-We have two people who relate to teens a lot.

Who teens relate to.

John and Hank Green. Welcome to the show.

-Thank you Hi. -Hello.

-We're only having brothers on our show.

-We've brought in a test teen. -A test teen.

-A test teen to see how you relate to her.

Can we bring in the test teen, please?

-My sister-in-law Rileigh. -It is important to note she

is a huge fan of you guys and she doesn't know.

-So Rileigh this is Hank and John Green.

-Oh my God. -Hi!

-Hello. -They are going to show us

how to relate to -- -Oh, my God.

-Okay. You doing all right? -I'm okay.

-Okay. -You okay?

The specific question we are trying to address here

is how do you get like how do you

get teens to look away from Instagram and all that?

-Specifically, how do you go about relating to a teen?

-And relate. -Hey, Rileigh.

How is 21 Pilots doing?

-I don't know that. What is that?

-Are you enjoying your time with the Snapchat?

-Yes. The Snapchats are great.

-So far so good.

-We have obviously no idea how to relate

to actual American teenagers.

I apologize Rileigh, but this is always going to be a failure.

[ Laughter ]

-Oh. Okay.

-The more you try to seem cool the worse it gets.

Back me up here, Rileigh.

The more adults try to seem like they are hip

and with it the cringier it becomes.

-Yep. Yep. -Until it goes all

the way around and comes back to cool.

We will have to test this out.

-This is not an until moment. -Nope.

-The further you get, the further you get.

-We created a game where you pick your teen name.

-Your first name is your least favorite soda.

And then your last name is your favorite soda.

-I would either be Faygo Dr Pepper or just Faygo Pepper.

-Faygo Pepper is good.

-So I would be Dr Pepper Pamplemousse La Croix.

[ Laughter ]

-The famous brand out there.

-And what's great is that could also be your porn star name.

-Rileigh, do you have any questions real quick

before we go?

-I mean how -- how I don't -- -all right.

-Thanks for your teen advice. Bye, guys.

-Bye.

[ Laughter ]

-Sorry. Hey, guys. I'm Griffin.

You can call me Sprite Pepsi.

That's my teen name.

-I'm Travis. Shit. -What's up, guys?

My name is Root beer Surge and I'm a teen just like you.

Somebody order snacks?

Fruit Roll-Ups.

-We have a listener that wrote into us

and wanted some help with real teens like yourselves

and so we are going to try to figure out

how we can all communicate just a little bit better.

-'Cause when you want to communicate

that's what makes a winning team.

-Do you have any questions for us?

-Nothing but a number, right guys?

-Actually. -25.

-Okay. Okay. That's fine.

-I think we are ready to squad off.

-We are going to separate into team units

and we're all just going to learn sort of

how to communicate across the generational divide.

-What we are talking about is like our educational approaches.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -I'm a rebel.

Plays by his own rules.

Named Root beer Surge and I'd love it

if you came with me on some of the things

that I'm going to make up by tomorrow probably.

-And I'm RC Josta and I'm all about respect

and letting you be you.

-My name is Griffin and this is my joke name.

And I am just all about like reconnecting

with what's real and what is important.

-We'll close our eyes

and then you guys stand behind the brother

that you want to be mentored by.

-Go to who you think is going to give you the brightest future

this is the most important decision you will ever make.

-There is no wrong answer. -There are two wrong answers.

[ Laughter ]

-Okay. -Okay.

-Whenever you are ready.

-Go.

-I'm feeling. I'm feeling good about it.

I'm feeling a lot of aura behind me.

-I'm going to turn around to see nine perfect teens.

-I'm feeling a lot of energy. -Okay.

Can we look?

-Yeah, dog.

-Nice.

-We're all the cool kids so I guess you can call us

"The Breakfast Club." -Behold my teens.

Caitlin and Salem.

-So this is my team.

And we are all named Griffin on this team.

-We are Griffin.

-What is the one thing teachers could do if they wanted

to help you understand the materials

for your class better?

-I mean yeah, Ben. That would be really nice.

-So Griffin, you got a cell phone, right?

-I do. Yeah.

-Are you pretty would you say connected to it?

-I'd say I'm pretty connected to it.

-But don't you feel like your cell phone

is also kind of a prison from which you can't really escape?

-I'm going to break you down and build you back up.

-How do you feel about art?

-I love art. -You love art?

-I have like five art credits. -Salem, what do you do?

-I play a lot of guitar. -Are you any good?

-Yeah, actually yeah. -Okay.

I need you to bring your guitar to our event.

-How could teachers better connect with their teens

and get through to them get them to look up

from their phone once in a while?

-I know what you're talking about -- hold on. I got you.

I know what you're saying. -Oh, God.

-Kind of like this. Kind of like more plugged in, right?

-We will break you down to your base elements

and rebuild you as powerful,

emotional warriors and better people.

Are you ready for that?

-So I'm working on a system. -Okay.

-And it is all about just unplugging from the things

that don't matter and reconnecting

with the things that does matter.

-So tomorrow we are going to put this technology to the test.

Few things I guess just like

no extremely loose fitting clothing.

Nothing loose and hanging that like could be grabbed.

-Me, me, mine, kind of coached that guy along.

I won that one and that one and that one.

And that one.

They called me a lot of things back in high school.

Mayor of Dunktown.

The big Bball King.

-Your kingdom awaits. -Thanks.

-So this is where it all happened.

-I remember coming to all your games, I would be up

in the stands cheering for my big brother like go Justin.

-Nobody believed in me because I had narcolepsy all year,

but I finally was on time for a game.

-The miracle on wood.

-I remember it like it was yesterday, dog.

-You'll never forget.

The score was 78/77

and the Huntington Kregs were down.

At the buzzer it was just me.

I was the only one who could do anything.

So I was like bounce pass. -Another bounce pass.

-Caught it from here downtown downtown sinker and then --

but wait, I had another teammate that came down

and he caught it and fell backwards.

-And then he missed it again. Johnfield was right here

and he was like you got it this time bud.

And at this point everybody was up on their feet

screaming and cheering.

-Well, they called him Justin -- this is where he became Hoops.

-He put up that big two and --

but then Ramsey was back over here

and he was like oh no, I'll shoot it.

Justin's open. He needs this he says.

And this one people were ready to fight.

There was like four seconds left.

-The other team went and took a step back

and they're like just let him have it.

-Announcer is like, "We've got a real nailbiter on our hands.

Let's see if the change up can take it home for us again."

-"If anyone can do it it's Hoops the man McElroy."

-He's never missed a half court fireball before.

-Five, four, three, two, one.

-[ Laughs ]

And it was just like that.

-I need a definite boost.

-Let's help Justin? -Here. Go. Go. Go.

Okay. We got Justin up.

-Please don't fall over the other side.

-You got to bounce with me.

-One, two, three. [ Laughs ]

-Ow! -I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

-It just hurts. I have an ouch on my fanny.

-Look at Catwoman over here.

-I got some lessons here.

No books. No punishment or rules.

-What kind of -- -Hold on --

-But rewards for doing well.

-Salem when asked what he does he said guitar.

And I said on a scale of one to ten how good are you?

He said an 8. Pretty good.

-John Mayer is a nine so he is like.

-I know. -I have just one boy.

Let me tell you everything about him.

His name is Griffin. One time he flipped off a cop.

So we are basically the same guy.

-Basically.

I think we have taken all of these lessons

and I think we can roll them into one curriculum

that is really going to move and inspire these teens.

-I can't wait to move these teens.

-I can't wait to move these teens.

-I can't get down.

-I'll need a bunch of pillows or some sort of staircase.

-I'm going for it.

-We're here practicing the teen bottle flip.

We are going to give it one, two, three Kobe.

Are you ready? One. Two. Three. Kobe.

-Griffin. First try. -Count it.

-First try -Count it.

-Shorter, shorter hops.

-Buckets. Fuck!

[ Laughter ]

-I don't want the teens to think we cheated.

-No teen. -Whoa!

-Hello, teens.

Turn your phones off.

No. Go on.

I think you are going to find they are going to be

pretty unnecessary out here.

-Rileigh? -I don't have my phone!

I promise. I don't have pockets.

-Eye on you.

-I want you to be in touch with yourselves.

Unafraid to be the you that I know you can be.

I want you to bloom into the beautiful emotional roses

I see within each one of you.

-So, Griffin, I brought you out here

to show you something very exciting

I have been working on for a really long time

that I kind of designed to break down the barriers

between you and me.

Between adult and teenager.

-I love that. That's beautiful.

That's Kayla's inner being.

You've done an amazing job Kayla and I'm very proud of you.

[ Guitar music plays ]

-What are some other apps that you guys use? Ben?

-Twitter. -Twitter.

Shh. [Mouths "Listen"].

I thought there would be more birds.

Imagine in post -- we'll just get it in post okay?

You hear it now right?

That's a bird.

That's nature's Twitter.

-Play. Play. Play. Play. What your heart tells you.

What is in your heart. Is this your heart?

Is this your heart feeling, are you playing your heart?

Why are you doing charcoal Caitlyn?

-Because I said I was bad at it

and you're trying to prove me wrong.

-No. -I don't know the right answer.

-Because you're great at it.

Why are you doing charcoal, Caitlyn?

-Because I'm great at it. -Why are you doing charcoal?

-Because I'm great!

-Throughout nature just using the things nature's provided.

A leaf.

Some charcoal.

And then I say I want to remember this time

when all my friends were together.

Look.

Is there any difference between this and Instagram?

Snapchat. It's gone.

-I don't know if I prepared you enough for my invention.

It's so important that you be safe.

Follow my lead.

It will acknowledge us before we acknowledge it.

Right about here is this is about as close

as I want us to be right now.

So this is the clown box.

You're going to hand it your phone.

-Mm-hmm. -It will take the phone.

It'll give you a gift.

It may drop your gift to try to make you bend down

in front of the clown box.

That's a trick.

Let's just bow really quick to it to sort of.

-Yeah, okay.

-We're going to approach you now.

We have a device.

all right. Let's get it going. -All right.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

-Slower even.

-[ Creepy laughter ]

-Back up slow. Thank it.

-Thank you. -Louder.

-Thank you. -Good. Good. Good.

-What did you get? -I got a maze.

-Oh you got a little hand drawn maze.

-Yeah, that's awesome. -You feel this?

-I feel it. I feel the connection.

-And if you were on your -Yeah, we'd be texting it.

-Yeah. -The secret to that maze --

-When I made the clown box I thought I'd have

more teens on my team

so I think it wants more cell phones.

-Maybe we can like give it like a rock or something. Here.

-We are going to approach you with another gift.

Please don't touch its skin.

We're here with another offering.

[ Banging ]

-Oh shit. -Oh my.

-Back up.

Back up a little bit faster now. -all right. Okay.

-Oh shit. Shit. Shit.

It's not supposed to go back in without a gift.

[ Pounding ]

-What should we do? -I didn't plan for this.

I'm going to go try to find

some people back up top with more cell phones.

-Okay. -Help. We need cell phones.

[ Pounding ]

-Griffin!

[ Creepy music plays ]

[ Laughs creepily ]

Ahhh!

-It's really hard making a TV show, you know.

You think it's going to be all Seinfeld and lollipops you know?

And sometimes you feel a little lost

and you try to do your best with the teens.

You aren't even looking at me.

I'm here for you.

And you guys probably can't even subscribe to

See So 'cause you're underage

and there are some adult stuff on there.

But please if you guys can just really ham it up

and talk about what a difference I have made in your lives

that would really mean a lot to me.

Yeah, I don't really have anything else.

So if you guys want to start walking back I'll --

-I think I needed some time by myself.

-Is this your first time? -Yeah, actually.

-You're doing a really great job.

I like how you are painting the edges too. That's nice.

Everybody's doing a really great job.

I am proud of you both.

Caitlyn do you feel like maybe I have reshaped you

into like a powerful human being

who is ready to go off to college?

-I don't know about ready to go off to college.

-Just answer the first part then. That's fine.

-Yes. -Okay.

-Griffin! Griffin!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, no! No! No! No!

I got to tell my brothers.

-How do you think we did? Did we connect with you?

Go ahead. -I mean...

-You know, that's not bad. Thank you.

I'll take that. Thank you so much.

-Caitlyn, how did I do?

-Good. -Yeah?

-Positive yelling. - That's good.

I like that. -Thank you.

One second guys. -Something happened.

-I lost my boy. The boss got the boy.

We all have to go or we're all going to die.

-That's a wrap everybody.

-We got to go. -Let's get in the van.

[ Indistinct yelling ]

-Oh, my God no! The box.

-No!

-Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

-Leave them. It's too late.

-Through your sacrifice we shall live.

-[ Screaming ]

-That way, that way! Go, go!

-Fuck, fuck! -[ Screams ]

-Griffin. [ Screams ]

-Griffin! Guys, where are you?

-No!

-I thought we were Griffin. I thought you loved me.

-I abandoned my boy.

-I thought we were Griffin.

-I abandoned my boy!

[ Screams ]

[ Buzzing ]

[ Creepy music plays ]

-Hey, teens. You all thirsty? Yeah, me too.

I love I had a nice, cold water.

'Cause I love an ice, cold water.

Ice, cold water.

Hey, teens. Do you want freshie?

Water. Water.

Teens, I love a nice, cold.

Hey teens here's thr-- Yeah, water!