Original subtitles

-Has anybody seen Justin?

[ Doorbell rings ]

-You rang? -No!

-No!

-That was good.

-Hey, everybody, welcome to the show.

-Say the shit. -Say the...

the line. -What?

I'm -- I didn't know this character that

I'm trying to get going, kind of a wacky neighbor.

Kind of thought we don't have a wacky neighbor yet,

so I thought I'd be the wacky neighbor.

-All you did was come out and say you rang.

That doesn't mean that you're a wacky neighbor at all.

You were just Justin saying, "You rang."

-I have other catch phrases. -Try my catch phrase,

and my one word direction for you: earnest.

-Earnest, okay. Earnest.

Hey...

[ Laughs ]

This bit was a mistake.

[ Music plays, applause ]

-The McElroy brothers are not experts,

and their advice should never be followed.

They're just three brothers who created a podcast,

and now they've returned to their hometown

to tape a TV show.

Also, this show isn't for kids.

Which I mention only so you babies out there

know how cool you are for watching.

What's up, you cool baby?

**

* -It's familiar, but not too familiar *

* But not too not familiar

* It's a new craze

* Hey, good girls, do you wanna just say, "Hey I wanna." *

* Just say, "Hey I wanna"

-Hello, everybody, and welcome to

"My Brother My Brother and Me"

an advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

-I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

-I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy.

-We asked our listeners for questions,

and we received hundreds. It was very flattering.

But there was one that we looked at and we thought,

"this we can fix."

-I read this question and I thought,

"If I don't answer this question

on a TV show, I'm gonna die."

-I looked at this question and I said, "No",

but I was outvoted three to one.

-By the secret fourth McElroy brother, Dougie.

-Well, no, our director made me do this,

and I'm holding you accountable for everything that happens, JD.

-Here's the question: How do I convince my wife

to let me get a pet tarantula?

Dan in Massachusetts.

-This question is such a slam dunk.

-I wanna talk about tarantulas.

-Okay.

The name is bad.

-Tarantula it has a scary sound to it.

-Yeah, rantula. -That's like a new flavor.

-Rancho. -[Laughing] Rancho?

A lot of people are not hot on them.

Nobody up here but... -Yeah.

-A lot of people aren't hot on them,

so I was thinking for 30 seconds

we could just like... get it out.

-I hate them so much.

I hate spiders, small to big. I hate the way they move.

I hate the legs. I hate the fur. -That's 10 seconds.

Justin, you get 10 seconds now.

-I'm fine with 'em. So, uh...

-We're supposed to be dunking on them in this segment.

-Yeah, but I'm fine with 'em.

-One time I saw a video of a rancho molt it's skin,

and my eyes went to hell. -[ Laughs ]

That's fun. I wanna talk about Travis.

-No, no please don't touch me right now,

while we talk about spiders.

-This is not a bit, by the way.

Can't stress that enough.

-I wish you could feel the energy

coming from my brother.

It's like waves, yuck waves.

-We're talking about them so much,

and I can feel them on the back of my neck.

-Close your eyes for a second and tell me...

what is it that you're actually afraid of.

What bothers you about it?

Try to envision one.

-No. -Get down to the deepest

part of this fear. Close your eyes.

At that point, after I did that hilarious thing,

where I pretend there's a spider on Travis's neck,

he hit me on the arm very hard.

I expect some bruising tomorrow. -Don't you fucking...

I hit Justin at about 45 percent strength.

That was too much.

-Hey folks, it's us, the McElroy brothers,

just telling you: don't hit.

Cuz the energy in there, it fucking sucked.

-It was not brother weird, but it was,

like, professionals working together weird, for sure.

Don't do that shit again.

-Okay. -And we'll cut right there.

-We can continue on.

So, we felt, on this question,

we needed a little bit more details.

So, we have Dan on the phone with us.

-Hi, Dan. -Hi, Dan.

-Hi, Dan. -Hey.

-Dan, my first question to you: wife's name?

-Alex. -Alex.

-Alex, okay. -Write that down, please.

-Okay, I have to apologizes,

because I asked for a piece of paper,

and our producer,

fucking Gallagher, gave me this.

-How against tarantulas is Alex?

-She just doesn't like spiders that much.

-Write down logical. -Especially that big.

-Do you have to catch this by or for yourself?

What's the story there? Do you have to catch the...

-I hope not.

I hope they put it

into the cage for me,

and then I have very little handling of it.

-Okay, so. -Hold on, hold on.

Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan. -Pump the fucking breaks, Dan.

Do you have...

are you nervous about owning a spider,

and you don't wanna touch it.

-Yeah, a little bit. -What the fuck?

-Dan, what the fuck are you doing?

-Dan? -Here's the plan, Dan.

We're gonna do a little bit of grass roots brand boosting

here in Huntington, West Virginia.

We're gonna make this happen for you Dan,

and then we're gonna check in

and make our pitch,

and see what happens.

**

-Levi, meet the tarantula. -The humble rancho.

-It's all rancho. -Okay.

-We're talking about a full brand reversal here.

-Yeah. -Well, you all have a budget?

-Let's crunch the... -Do you need the calculator?

Oh, you have it on your --

Oh, you have it on you?

-We got three dollars.

-What would you advice, on the cheap, that we could do?

-Start a Facebook page.

-We're looking for the most efficient way to get our message

in front of as many heads as possible.

In like an hour.

-You could walk around the streets and tell people,

"Spiders are cool." -Like a Parade?

-A Parade. -Parade.

-Yeah, maybe a parade.

-Do you know anything about parade management?

How to get people excited about a parade?

-Or make one? -Or make one?

-Or where to start at all?

-Well, I would start downtown Huntington,

since we're already here.

-Yes. -Good idea.

-If we just have a line of cars

that we've lined up, purposefully,

and then we just slap some floats on top,

and drive a little bit, and really quickly

pull 'em back down before anybody notices,

do you think we'd get in trouble for that?

-I don't think you would.

-So, we're gonna do a parade.

-A parade? -Yeah, so far your excited.

That's great for the city.

-Well, we have parades all the time.

-Let me ask you this question: how do you feel about bugs?

Like mosquito and beetles and stuff?

-I don't like 'em. -Not good, right?

Apparently, spiders eat them, and they protect you.

-But a tarantula's a bug.

All right, so, how would the parade be structured?

-So, here's what I'm thinking.

So, we'll start out near Spring Hill,

and then just come all the way.

Kind of a -- more of a festival, a rolling festival

that would go all the way...

-Conceptually, we talked about, sort of,

half parade, half marathon. -No. 'cause, see,

we're not gonna shut down traffic

for the businesses there. -Mr. Mayor,

I want to paint ya a hypothetical.

I want ya to flash forward to the election.

And this is the ad that you see coming on TV:

Mayor Steve Williams says

that he wants lots of great activities in Huntington...

[ Laughter ]

-Finish the thought. -Say it.

-But when the opportunity...

[ Laughs ]

But when the opportunity came to do

a kick ass parade in downtown,

Mayor Williams took a big dump on it.

[ Laughs ]

-You don't need a parade. -It's probably gonna be

a pretty short parade.

-No.

-Listen, I love the mayor.

Granted, he's a fine politician, I'm sure.

-I say we just go for it.

I say we just do the big boy parade.

-It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

-It's gonna be a really small parade, he'll never know.

-He'll never know. -He doesn't need to know.

-Okay, so, we told them

that we would have a bunch of hot ticket celebrities here,

big names, big numbers, and, um...

None of them have said yes, at all.

-But we're trying to score that endorse though

cuz you want a face for your campaign.

-I actually have Reginald VelJohnson's

agent's number right here.

I just found it in the back of a van.

Here I go.

It's Monday, it's a little after five,

and I'm just gonna call, actually, Reginald VelJohnson.

Social anxiety, ahoy.

Hi, I'm trying to get in touch with,

this is kind of a strange request,

with Reginald VelJohnson

to participate in a TV project for Seeso.

Just hung up. [ Laughter ]

-I got a good one. -Who you reachin' out to?

-Hi, I was trying to, uh, my name is Zach, and I rep...

-Hang up, you lost. -You did so bad.

-I can't fucking do this, I can't do this.

-You can't do that one again.

-You couldn't even say your name.

-Who the fuck were you calling, idiot?

-I was trying to get Ellen DeGeneres on the show.

-Well, I could of you told that wasn't gonna work.

-And you fucking blew it. [ Knock on window ]

-It's going great. -It's going great.

-Really good. -We're nailing it.

We're crushing it.

Okay, I'm gonna try Ellen's office, again.

-Oh, my god. Center yourself,

don't press that green phone button

until you're ready to do this shit.

-Okay. -Call Ellen DeGeneres.

-[ Laughs ] -You see, you're not ready.

-Hi, my name is Justin,

I'm reaching out on behalf of

"My Brother, My Brother, and Me."

It's Seeso project for their

comedy streaming service that NBC's doing.

I was trying to get in touch with representation

for Ellen DeGeneres, about asking her

to do a quick cameo.

Hi, Micheal, this is...

[ Laughter ]

You got so far!

-I hope you enjoyed that scene.

Coming up next is a home improvement style transition

that I'm gonna describe, and then our CGI,

whataworks people are gonna figure out how to do it later.

Just to bridge us into that next great goof filled segment.

For this one, instead of a star wipe

we're gonna go with a more unconventional shape,

which is actor Jeffrey Tambor punching a tiger.

Let's get that going right now.

**

-So, we're here with our new friend Mark Berman

who's gonna teach us some stuff about tarantulas.

Mark, I'm Griffin McElroy,

this is my oldest brother Justin McElroy.

-Nice to meet you guys. -That's my other brother,

Travis McElroy. He's back in, we call it, the safety zone.

Travis's spider free castle.

-Hi. -No spiders can get me here.

-Yeah. -So you've brought,

approximately, 200,000 spiders

into our home, which is a cool thing.

-Right. This one...

-Oh, that's such a big spider.

Hey, I just had an interesting thought.

-Yeah. -Actually, fuck this.

-[ Laughs ] -Now, this one,

look, this is another shed skin.

Wait. Hang on a second, hang on a second.

-No, no, no, no, no. -Just the skin.

-No, he's not gonna enjoy that at all.

-I'm cool.

-This is an orange baboon tarantula.

-That means it kills and eats baboons like it's it's job.

-This is the kind of spider that you get a poker for.

I don't have a -- I got one here.

-You can use Griffin's finger. -Nah, there's one in this.

-You're just gonna open up another one.

Let's always have at least

two spider cups open at the same time.

Oh, You pissed off orange baboon boy.

-He would probably rear... That's what he would do.

-You yelled. You're the spider guy,

and you yelled at it.

-This one, right here, is probably

the most dangerous spider you'll ever see in person.

-Travis is going to space.

Travis is now working for NASA. -This is not a tarantula.

I don't know if we can go outside...

-Why did you bring it, Mark?

No way.

-Ahh. [ Laughs ]

-I am just, like, super, super chill right now.

All right.

-Do it. -Here it goes.

-Griffin, you will not be creeped out by this,

I promise you. -You'd be surprised.

-I promise, you will be surprised at how

pleasant it is. -Oh, yeah.

It's like a nice massage for the hand.

-I am willing to put that one on my bare hand,

if that one gets put away, and that one gets covered up.

-Oh, yeah, do it. -Dude, hold on a minute.

This one gets put away. Wait, what was the other one?

Don't knock over the black widow.

What was the other one? What was the other one?

-Cover up the guy there. -Cover up this one.

-In order to get us to put the other spiders away,

Travis has agreed to let a spider walk on his bare hand.

This is not a joke, this is not a goof.

-Don't yell, don't freak out. -But, like, three seconds.

-I wanna make this clear, if Travis can do this,

Alice can have one in her home somewhere, right?

-Sure. -This is touching my bare skin.

-This is literally Travis's biggest fear,

and he's about to face it. -You want it on the table or...?

-Right on the table. -Wait, is that still...

-For just, like, a second, please.

-You ready? -Yeah.

-It's just gonna walk across. -Okay.

-There she goes, there she goes. -It's not that bad.

it's very light. -You'll be surprised,

it's not that bad at all. -You're doing so good.

-You're doing super good, Travis.

-She's just gonna walk. -Just be calm.

-Just be calm, and off to the other side.

-Be calm and don't freak out. We're almost clear.

We're almost clear.

**

-Okay, Alex, now you legally have to get the spider.

Travis did it, and now you legally have to get one.

He's inspired a generation.

-Hey, thank you.

-Travis did a hit on Justin.

-Face, torso, or limb?

-I'll recreate it, because I'm afraid if you

recreate it you'll hurt Justin again.

So, it was basically like...

-No, oh god, I'm flashing back.

So, here's the problem, I'll give it to you straight,

we're gonna do a parade.

We're just trying to get a pro-tarantula commercial.

Sorry, sorry. Apologies.

Pro-ranchos commercials blasted out on the airwaves.

Just like a really tight 30.

Just about five percent sexy.

-Yeah. -Okay.

Tarantulas,

eight legs of justice.

-Don't get me wrong, we want the rancho to be a little sexy.

-Hi, there. -No.

-Let's get something a little bit beachier in there.

-Cowabunga, dudes.

You know, down when we are riding the waves,

and hanging 10, the ranchos are right there,

but they're hanging eight, man.

Ranchos are the coolest, and I gotta tell you,

the babes dig ranchos the most.

Eight legs of justice. [ Laughter ]

-All right, we're making a tarantula page,

because the business man told us to.

Well, this is comedy poison.

Do a first post here.

Just say, like, "Hey everybody, welcome to the club."

-Hope you enjoy...

-The.

-Experience.

-Of. -Simply.

-Griffin, you're getting a lot of articles.

I need a non-article word here, please.

-Cybersex. -[ Laughs ]

-No, hold on. Hold on.

We might lose the...

-Blast off.

-Into.

-[ Laughing ] Cybersex.

[ Laughter ]

-Joe Biden.

-Perfect.

-Second post: we've been hacked.

[ Laughter ]

-We prepared this presentation for a couple people.

First off is, of course, Alex, to remind her

that there is nothing to be afraid of.

-Welcome to another episode of The Ranchos.

-I wanna talk about some of the troubles

we've had in our marriage lately.

-No, please, don't walk away.

-I feel like it's all outside influence,

because people don't trust us.

I'm so ashamed, I hide under the table.

-Alex's distrust of us

is really tearing our marriage apart.

Philip, are you drunk again? -A little bit.

-No, Philip, don't go to bed angry.

-I have a hard day at the accounting firm tomorrow.

They just made me partner.

-* So long, farewell -Wait.

Wait, wait, come back. Wait, please just hear me out.

-I've rethought everything, and...

I'm sorry, I can't do anything with these actors.

**

-I feel like a lot of people are already buzzing about it.

We're having a tarantula parade today.

-We're throwing a parade for tarantulas.

-No tarantulas will be present, as far as we know.

-That's not even a good job. -I know, but I got the tape

on the poster already. -Local teens.

-Look at all those thought influencers.

-You're saying no?

-There won't be any. Look, no tarantulas present.

It's good to go, boy.

You may have made that the hardest

to read that it could possibly be.

Ah, shit.

-Eww! It's the toilet water.

-Do you think the mayor's gonna come, and,

more important question, do you think anybody's

gonna tell on us to the mayor?

-Okay, one, no. Two, yes.

-Let's move out.

[ Band plays Itsy Bitsy Spider ]

-Hello, thank you for coming to our parade.

Alex, let Dan get a tarantula.

[ Crowd chanting "Let Dan get a tarantula." ]

Welcome, citizens of Huntington,

to the first inaugural spider parade.

Some people aren't looking.

How cool is your day?

I hope you all like Itsy Bitsy Spider,

you're about to hear it 50 times.

We're gonna do one more lap.

Come on y'all, don't give up on me.

-We're turning around.

You're doing great, that side of the parade.

-Just a few more times. -Get the energy up.

-Where's that tune I love so much?

-Hit me with that one tune I need.

Come on you guys, I know I need it.

-Hey, can I be King Rancho for a while?

-Yeah, I guess. -Now, I'm King Rancho

for this leg of the parade.

Dan should get a tarantula.

-Let Dan get a tarantula.

-There's an actual helicopter filming this.

-I need my crown back.

Listen, we tried it, for sure,

it just felt so weird.

-We did this for you, Huntington.

-We grew up here. We were one of you.

-But now look at us, we have a parade.

[ Laughs ]

[ Crowd chanting "Dan should get a tarantula" ]

-Please, please don't tell the mayor about this.

-Please don't tell the mayor.

-The mayor would be very disappointed

if he found out we're doing this.

-No, no tell him to stop now.

[ Sirens wail, car horns honk ]

-Okay, everybody, go ahead. Get out of the street.

-I think we're done. Parade immediately over.

Somebody called the mayor, we gotta scrap this thing.

End of parade.

-End of parade. -Now go home.

It is important that you don't all leave in the same direction,

or that is just the continuation of the parade.

**

-Hey, Griffin here with another transition.

Hey, remember the Budweiser frogs?

We can't use those.

So, these are just three regular frogs.

They're hanging out on their log,

and their talking about a beverage brand.

And then, what's that up in the sky?

It's an airplane. Oh no, it's crashed.

It crashes into the swamp.

Who's coming out to check on the wreckage?

It's Shrek, but he's blurred out cuz we can't use Shrek.

It comes out, and nobody's survived.

Just nobody survived.

And then, after a while, star wipe.

Next scene.

-So, basically, here's what we did:

we threw a tarantula parade in downtown Huntington,

we blocked off three blocks of traffic.

-And all of this -- All the while, we had people

chanting let Dan get a tarantula over

and over and over again.

So, really, for about a half hour

all of Huntington stood still,

and everybody got together and chanted your name.

-I hate the living bejesus out of spiders.

I cannot stand them. -Gotcha.

-By the end of interacting with the real,

live actual tarantulas,

I let one crawl on my bare hand. It was nothing.

-Alex, real quick, I just wanna check in with you,

cuz now you've seen the depth of our labors of love.

-Yes. Just curious, like,

your emotional state right now.

Like, how you feel about all the good,

hard work we've done for you two.

-I appreciate the hard work that you've done for Dan,

that's very kind. -And for you.

I mean, it's mostly for you. -Are you any closer to

a yes than you were when we started?

-Not really. -Are you kidding me?

-Not even a little? We threw a parade.

-What? A parade.

-We literally threw a parade.

-And that's super cool, but that

would still require a spider to live in my house.

-I have one last question,

cuz it seems like this rancho thing

is maybe a nonstarter.

-If you don't say yes,

how do you guys think this episode should end?

-I don't know. -[ Laughs ]

-Yep, that's a fine response to that.

**

-Dozen of Huntington citizens were quite perplexed,

who showed up along the Fourth Avenue route

to watch the Tuesday afternoon tarantula parade.

It was filmed for the McElroy brothers new

"My Brother, My Brother and Me" Seeso TV show

set to air in 2017. We'll see.

One, small, umbrage I have

with the coverage is the headline,

"Impromptu spider parade,

part of filming for McElroy brothers show."

Should we demand a retraction? Cuz it wasn't impromptu.

We worked for at least 28 hours on that thing.

-You can't throw an impromptu parade?

That's just traffic. -That's a stampede.

-Yeah. -It's a mob. Yeah.

-I'm glad we were able to create the episode

after the big,

bad hit at the beginning of the episode.

-Oh, God. -I would like to say...

I would like to take this opportunity

to legitimately say to my brother,

Justin, I love you very much.

Sorry I did a hit on you.

-It's all right.

I shouldn't have done that either.

I misjudged how much that was a goof for the bit,

and I knew you were afraid of it.

-Are you sellin' out? You're sellin' out for Hollywood?

-No, we're gonna try to have one fuckin' earnest moment.

-We're trying to have a nice fucking moment, Dad.

-What made you think we were selling out.

-No, I'm sorry.

-One fucking nice moment betwixt brothers.

-Why does it always have to be

fart, fart, Ray Romano, fart?

-Things that we learned from this episode:

one, it's wicked easy to do a parade.

If you, at home, are watching this, go do a parade.

It's easy as fuck.

-Also, they'll let anybody do one, at all.

-Number two, Dan and Alex went out

and they adopted the most beautiful tarantula ever,

and we're seeing a picture of them holding it right now.

And they're smiling, and they look so happy.

-Number two, alternate, we tried our best

to help get Dan a tarantula, and he didn't.

And, if you think about it,

it was a very pushy move on Dan's part.

So, I blame Dan, really. -Yeah.

-If a parade and a passionate,

violent battle between two brothers

isn't enough to secure a tarantula purchase...

-Battle's a strong word.

It was more of an assassination attempt.

-Yeah, you tried to assassinate our brother,

Justin, who we love very much. -Yeah, for no reason.

-I don't remember it like that.

-Number three, don't hit under any circumstances.

-So, long story short Daddy, are you proud of us?

-Well, you already said you were proud of yourselves.

Yay! -Good enough.

-Goodbye, Daddy. -You don't need my pride.

-Bye, Dad. -Bye, guys.

-You have to go. -Thank you for not hitting me.

-No, Dad, you have to get up. You have to get up and go.

No, no, no, no. You don't go cuz you're feet are all wet,

and you'll fall and die.

-Oh, no. -Oh, no.

-It's on the spaghetti.

-You got it on the getti.

-You got your foot water on the spaghetti.

-We gotta use that in the next scene.

-Please don't trip. Please don't trip.

Please don't trip. -He tripped!

-Oh, he's rolling down the hill.

Oh, he's on the highway.

Oh, God, he's bouncing between...

He's fine, he's fine.

He's up, he's fine.

Oh, he fell in the lake.

Oh, he's in the lake.

-Why are you filming? Help our dad.

-Yeah, get her real -- get her just riled up for me.

-Can you see it? -I see it.

-You can sorta see it. -Mark, you nasty.

-So, what... [ Chuckles ] -Mark, you nasty,

just pullin' that web out that butt.