Original subtitles

-I can't wear this shirt?

-You can't wear it.

-It says -- soda -- a brand.

-It has the name of a brand of a really good soda.

-Can't say [bleep]?

-Change your shirt. -Change your shirt.

-Can't they just blur it out?

They're blurring it out now and you're costing us

like $10,000 a second.

Are they blurring this out?

-Griffin, no.

-What about now?

-Change your shirt.

-Get at me, get at me, blur man.

-Change your shirt. You look like an asshole.

We got to make this TV show.

-I have, like, two other things.

-Okay. Griffin?

Now, see, you've gotten yourself

into another little bit of a pickle here.

-Do you have another one? Okay.

-Guys. -Yeah, Grif?

-You're not going to like this shirt either.

-Does anybody have a shirt I can have

that doesn't have the logo of American's favorite soda

or a member of the mean yellow family?

[ Classical music plays ]

-The McElroy brothers are not experts,

and their advice should never be followed.

They're just three brothers who created a podcast,

and now they've returned to their hometown

to tape a TV show.

Also, this show isn't for kids,

which I mention only so you babies

out there know how cool you are for watching.

What's up, you cool baby?

[ Mid-tempo theme music plays ]

* It's familiar

* But not too familiar

* But not too not familiar

* It's a new craze

[ Indistinct singing ]

-Hello, and welcome to

"My Brother, My Brother & Me,"

an advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

-I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

-I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy.

-Here on "My Brother, My Brother & Me,"

we listen politely as you explain your invention,

then you are excused from the room.

No further action is taken.

-No money changes hands because we do not have any monies.

-I'm very uncomfortable with the energy

that we've created in the studio today.

-Griffin, what have you prepared for us?

-The first invention that I've come up

with is pornography for birds.

-Disgusting. Next.

-I'd like to spend a little more time

exploring pornography for birds with you.

-That makes one third of the table

that wants to continue to talk about pornography for birds.

-Let's move on. I imagine birdseed will be

a component in more or less every scene.

-Our first question is right here in my hand.

-I want to talk about bird lube now.

-I'm in the wrong head space now.

"I've been stuck in a boring office job for a few years,

and I need to get out.

My job doesn't have a ton of resume cache.

Should I make up some more impressive stuff for the resume

as long as I have the skills to back up the jive?"

That's Josh from Little Rock.

-Resumes are essentially bullshit.

-Mm-hmm.

-You can put whatever on there,

and they will never, ever, ever check it.

-I worked at Blockbuster twice.

I could say-- What happened?

-The first time I left Blockbuster on my terms.

-The second time...

-The second time I stole a copy of "Fight Club"

and got caught, which seemed like a very

Tyler Durden thing to do, in my defense.

But that's the second time I was let go from Blockbuster.

-I worked at a dog kennel for two weeks

in which one of my duties

was supposed to be squeezing dog butt holes, and I--

-But that was just for the dogs.

-That was just for the dogs.

It was a very shusshy spa, and I--

-Full of dog finger blasting.

What are you talking about?

-And I was both not good at it and refused to do it

and was let go because of my poor work ethic.

-I think my favorite job exit is when your father in law

fucking fired me.

-Yes, did you deserve it or not, would you say?

-That's debatable. -Okay, hit me, I'm ready.

-Tommy Smirl at Tri-Data, which I scanned documents

and microfiche, and I thought I was doing a kick-ass job,

but apparently not that much of a kick-ass job.

-Did you at any point leave to go to Bonnaroo?

-I left at one point -- Hold on.

I left at a point to go to Bonnaroo.

But the Flaming Lips were headlining, so--

-So-- -So, had to get to that.

-Do you think that you could get this job back

if you wanted it? -That's the ultimate challenge,

to interview for a job you've been fired from

and get it back is like you've conquered interviews.

-King of jobs. -I think the better question

is could Tri-Data get me back?

-I think another better question is,

could you get your job back?

-I think they would be lucky to have me back.

-Okay, hold on.

-This is good TV.

-Tell him what a good worker boy I am now.

-Shut up, shut up.

[ Line ringing ]

-Hello? -Hey, Tommy.

-Hey, Justin. -How's it going?

-All right, how are you doing? -I'm good.

I'm shooting my TV show.

-Great. -So, do you remember

an employee you once had named Griffin McElroy?

-Oh, it was a long time ago, but yes,

he worked for us for a brief period of time.

-Griffin has been talking a big game,

and he would like very much

if he could try to apply for his job again.

-Is the operative word "try"? -Yes.

-Hey, Tommy, Griffin here.

You might remember me from work.

I just want to let you know

that I'm going to crush this job interview

and blow your mind

and your world will never be the same.

-And in order to give you kind of a good spread,

I would also like to audition for the job.

That's not the right verb.

I would like to interview for the job, please.

-You too? -Yes.

-I'm going to try to get the job too,

and I feel like I have a leg up

because it would be feeding your granddaughter,

but we're just going to give it a whirl and see how it goes.

-Thank you for your interest in our company, young men.

-All right, take care.

-He's got no idea what he's got coming to him.

-This is going to be so good.

-Let's get business ready. We've got our business looks,

so I was thinking we could do a thing

where we just, like--

-I didn't bring a business look.

-A special effect where -- just the one you got.

-Your business look. -Your business look.

-And then we'll do like--

-We'll do a special effect where we'll turn around,

and then we'll cut right here.

-Am I supposed to do it too,

because I don't have another look.

-And then we'll spin back around.

-You got me,

because we're only going to get this one take of this.

I only do it once. -Should I spin around too

because I didn't bring a business look.

-Are you ready? -Okay, on three.

One, two, three.

Business. -Time to get to work.

-Griffin, you didn't change.

-I don't have any fucking clothes!

I didn't know we were doing the business episode today.

-Don't worry, we've got a business look for you.

Do a spin. -You do your spin.

-You're going to make me look like an asshole.

-Just do your spin.

-No, it's going to be a good spin.

Do your spin.

-You're such shitheads. -Spin.

-I get vertigo. I can't spin that fast.

How many did I do?

-One more.

-One more, please. -Okay, yeah, look at me!

I'm like a rotisserie shithead!

-Let's get out there and get hired.

-Let's get to work.

-Everybody in the room is laughing at me right now.

-[ Laughs ]

[ Classical music plays ]

You guys would tell me

if I looked like a very magical pervert, right?

-No, you look great.

-Do one of you guys want to try my cool hat

and really fun jacket?

-No, you're doing great. It's a sweet look.

-So, we're trying to fill out a resume with as many jobs

as we can with as little time and effort as we possibly can.

I'm wondering if we can all get jobs here

on an extraordinarily temporary basis

and then put it on a resume later.

-What kind of experience do you have?

-I have lots of experience.

One of the main skills I have is to find a need and fill a need.

-You can pretty much have whatever you want for 99 cents.

-No, that's false.

-And I just do these two outside ones?

-No, all of them.

-Push, push push. That's pretty good!

That's pretty good for the first time.

-[ Laughs ]

-It's really good.

-Is it legal to get high on your own supply, so to speak?

-You should probably not ask the customers what they want.

-I shouldn't bother them. -Yeah.

-You have some big shoes to fill

because my husband really makes all these bows.

-Did he make all these bows?

-He sure did, and he's really hot

and dark, tall, dark and handsome.

He lifts 100-pound bricks for a living.

-Oh God, no. I'm going to get fired.

-I need an adult.

-Big neck.

-Is that designed for children, because yeah--

-Holy cow.

-Oh, God. Oh, no.

-Finished one.

I quit! I quit! I quit!

-Justin?

-He's gone. He's out, he's gone.

-Would I hire them?

-I would hire them one at a time

because I cannot take three at a time. [ Laughs ]

-Those guys were awful.

-I would absolutely hire the beard guy.

I liked it.

[ Classical music plays ]

-Mr. Mayor, let me ask you a question.

-We're trying to pad our resumes.

We're doing some private sector work.

But hat we would like to get into

and here we think, if I may be so bold,

our real talents lie, is in the public sector.

-Okay.

-We think it would be cool

if we could put on a resume

the former mayor of Huntington, West Virginia.

-There's a legal problem here.

What if we named you honorary mayor --

not acting mayor -- honorary mayor?

-Okay. -You think like 5 minutes?

-No. Um... -One minute?

-What feels right to you? -A minute.

-A minute. -Perfect.

-'Cause all you're wanting to do is pad your resume, right?

-Exactly.

-So, we have two proclamations

that we've prepared for you.

If you could just read that one first.

-We signed this one and badda bing, badda boom.

-You're the mayor again.

-So, this now reads,

blah blah blah blah blah,

hereby grant Griffin 'Legally the Mayor' McElroy,

Travis King of Mayors' McElroy,

Justin 'Your Mother Was My 3rd Grade Teacher

and She Was an Inspiration' McElroy,

powers of mayordom for just like a minute amount of time."

-Yeah. -Steve Williams,

beginning now.

-Okay, quick, first things first.

Mayor Williams, I'm gonna need you to move your car.

-Yeah, you know that list of people I gave you?

Go get 'em.

The state bird is now... abolished.

There's no more state bird.

-You only have responsibility over the city.

-The city bird is no longer --

-You said state bird. -Yep.

-All right, and your 60 seconds is up.

-Hold on, wait, one more thing, one more thing.

Please! Please, one more thing.

Huntington's sister city is the moon!

-Revoked.

-Our tenure was short but powerful.

-All right, as agreed, I know you were waiting

for this just as much as we are.

-Sign the back.

-Yeah, that's signed from all of us.

-Let me see it.

-Thank you very much.

Thank you, sir. Thank you. It's a pleasure.

-Thanks you, Mayor Williams.

-Go, go, go.

-"Sorry, sucker, we're still the mayor."

[ Laughs ]

They are their dad's son, aren't they?

[ Classical music plays ]

-Hey, Dad. -Hi, Daddy.

-Hi, Daddy. It's good to see you.

-Good to see you. -Shut up.

-Now, Papa, we have been trying to get jobs all day.

-It as really hard for me

'cause I'm dressed up like Jamiroquai's dad.

-[ Laughs ] -Jamiroquai?

Doesn't he look professional?

-Very kind of a combination of Ebenezer Scrooge

and Hugh Hefner. That's a good look.

-Do you remember when I worked for Tommy Smirl

and I was fired for basically no reason at all?

-Yeah. -I'm waging a workplace

vengeance, so we're trying to pad out our resumes

so that I can get that job back

and really embarrass Tommy Smirl.

-So, here's what I was wondering,

just so I could out it on my resume,

could I maybe do some

some work for you right now?

I got a microphone here, I got this fucking instrument.

-You want to do a break? -Yeah, can I do a break?

-Yeah. -Can Griffin and I join him

and be like his radio crew?

-I'd so rather you didn't.

'Cause it's kind of my shift.

-I feel like you need a color commentator, though.

Headphone's on.

-Okay, so you're gonna go from William Michael Morgan,

"I Met a Girl,"

and you'll have 24 seconds to go into Tim McGraw,

one of your personal favorites, "Where the Green Grass Grows."

-Got it. -All right?

So, keep it clean. -Keep it clean, got it.

-Got to keep it clean.

-That was Bill Grimm's with "Please."

-Yeah, William Michael Morgan. We'll try it again.

-Got it, got it. -William Michael Morgan.

We'll try it again. You ready?

-Yeah. [ Laughs ]

-The song is "I Met a Girl."

Please, here we go. All right. Go.

-That was Bill Morgan with "Don't -- Girl -- I Got a Girl."

Next up, McGruff.

-Not McGruff. It's not the crime dog.

-Let me take another pass.

-All right, William Michael Morgan.

And "I Met a Girl."

All right, here we go.

Take seven.

-That was Billy Corgan with "I've Got a Girl."

Next up, McGruff [laughs] with...

"Live Like You're Dyin'".

Right here on "Good Times, Good Country."

103.3 Country Radio TCR.

[ Classical music plays ]

-What do you look for in someone who's gonna work

for the Huntington police department?

-Well, first of all, there's physical fitness requirement.

You have to run a mile and a half.

-In how long?

-Well, it's not graded by a calendar,

but by a watch.

If that helps any.

-To pad the resume,

we've got a bunch of little crummy jobs.

We're looking for something big e can hang our hat on.

Could we just be Chief of Police for like a second?

-Eh, probably not.

-How do feel about Co Chief of Police?

-Kind of sharing the load.

-I don't think we're going there either.

-I've got a super idea, actually.

I will for a day cook meals for all the officers,

and I could be the Chef of Police,

and if people look at my resume real quick

they'll be like, "Oh, Chief of Police, you see that?"

-Now, I was sort of thinking we've got our K9 unit.

-Travis used to work squeezing dogs' anal glands.

-That is true. That was the first job I ever had.

It was squeezing -- I'm sorry to say

in your office -- butt holes.

-What we need is like a burner town.

-Yeah, if we goof up, then it's not a big deal.

-I can put you in charge of Safety Town.

-I would love to get back in Safety Town.

Part of me is actually worried that's too much town.

This is Safety Town.

A very small town designed to teach Huntington's young people

ho to follow traffic signs and stuff.

We have been put in charge of Safety Town

by the Chief of Police.

We have absolute legal authority.

That's right, the wild boys have become the cops.

[ Classical music plays ]

Let's put Safety Town up,

'cause I don't want to step on your guys' toes.

I just want a little chill zone where I can hang out.

I'll just take this corner here.

Like the gas station and then --

well, the building we're in right now isn't technically

part of Safety Town, but I'll say that part is mine.

So just this little corner and that laves the rest

of Safety Town for you guys to have.

-I've got the fire department here.

-Okay.

-I'll take care of landscaping.

-I guess that leaves me with the barn.

-Are you okay with that, Justin?

-Yeah, we can make that work.

-Hello. Welcome to New Dugburg,

formerly this part of Safety Town.

I'm the king of Dugburg, Travis McElroy.

This is my wife, Theresa.

I wanted her to be in the show so I made her a cop.

-Can I go now? -You sure can, honey.

I love you. -Welcome to Chilladelphia.

It's my little slice of Safety Town.

I'd like you to meet my wife, Rachel,

and my friend Emily. Hey, guys.

-Hey.

-I've annexed the building

that has all the toilets and water in it,

as well as the gas station that has all the vehicles and gas.

So really, we own all of the resources in Safety Town.

-While my brothers have preoccupied themselves

policing Safety Town,

I've never lost sight of our true goal.

Get a job from Tommy Smirl at Tri-Data.

So welcome to Chad Pennington.

Named after Tommy's favorite football player.

I've also brought in some ringers.

Sydney and Charlie -- they're Tommy's daughter

and granddaughter.

Tommy's wife, Mary.

Tommy's brother in law, Michael Meadows.

Also, Tommy, I'm really sorry about this.

This is my friend Jason Elders from college.

And I promised him and he promised me

that whichever one of us got on TV first

would get the other one on.

Jason, can you fucking stop? Sorry, Charlie.

[ Classical music plays ]

I feel pretty good about our Constitution as is,

actually right now.

-Ah, these legs of mine.

I can't get out of the car.

-Papers, please.

-Oh, I'm not crossing over.

I'm just doing a lap, checking out my perimeter.

-Okay, all right, this is trespassing.

This is trespassing.

-Yeah, sorry to bother you. -Yeah, how can I help?

-Um, I watched you use the boys' potty earlier.

-I was taking Charlie in. She had to doody.

-I saw you take your on bathroom experience

in the boys' potty room.

-Okay. -No I have to give you

an infraction.

-Are you serious with this shit in front of my family?

-Be cool. -Wait! Hey!

-Okay! Okay!

-Yeah, we just need to -- -Okay, everybody, I'm sorry.

-I've got to go. There's trouble in Chil--

I forget what I called my city -- fuck!

-Uh-oh. Watch out, beetle boys.

-Yeah, don't let him in.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Yo, what the fuck, dawg?

-We're okay. Only Griffin gets the cars.

-Where did you get the whip? -Fuck you.

-Hey, fuck you.

I'm part car, part boy, boy car.

The protector and king of Chilladelphia.

New Dugburg!

Come out and play!

-Okay, this is intentionally threatening.

-$200, $300, $400.

-Let's go get him!

-Batteries -- these were not designed

for 200-pound men.

-Grab a battery!

-No, no, no, no! Hey!

-I'm [speaks indistinctly] all day long!

-Oops, I spilled some.

-I'm sorry, I try to make a good life for everybody here.

[ Classical music plays ]

-Set him down. -Fuck you, nerds.

-Armistice! -Fuck.

-If there's armistice I want to be in the armistice.

-It's okay.

-Shit! Start over.

Fuck!

We've just been informed that we just got in trouble

in Safety Town while filming this scene.

-This is not a bit. -This is not a bit.

And now we've got to dismantle our beautiful cities.

-And we're so sorry.

-And we're very sorry to Huntington.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

-I do need a key to this, please.

-Did that really happen?

-I'm worried because we've done a lot --

the most work we've ever done our whole lives,

building just a resume with a big juicy "s."

Is there anything we can do to make them hear us?

-This is advice for everybody at home.

When you make a resume, you want to make an impression.

This is my resume here.

Hello, Mr. Smirl,

I would like to audition for your job, please.

Here's my resume. -Thank you.

What the fuck have you done?

Oh, okay. I gotcha. It's kind of like a sticky one.

You be Tommy Smirl and I'll be Travis.

-I'm Tommy Smirl, king of the mountains.

-What's up, I'm Griffin. Whack!

-This is hard to read, though. Can I make a suggestion?

-Yeah.

-That's good. That's very good.

-Well, good news.

I thought that you guys might really like this idea,

so I made one for each of you.

This one's for you.

-This is my actual resume.

-Justin, I was wondering if you have any

outside the box ideas for resume presentation.

-I do. Dear Mr. Smirl, I've prepared a resume for you.

-Perfect.

-Okay, so, let's just go through it.

Jobs -- cashier at Blockbuster.

The first time. Blockbuster the second time.

-Faded second time.

-Special skills -- [chanting] can run

tow miles per diem!

-That also means you know multiple languages,

which I like.

-I showed off a little bit.

-This portion good for 15% off...

-...at all Sam Goody stores.

-So you could take this resume...

-You only need to cut this portion off, though.

-And at this point I did kind of get a little sleepy

from the marker, then I blacked out.

After that, I blacked out.

I figure if I give that to Mr. Smirl --

-You know, right at the end you should just write

"Conservationalist."

-[ Laughs ]

-So I've got a resume.

I'd like to present you with the high tech resume of the future.

Yeah.

-Excellent. That's great.

And ready to [laughing] bust a nut --

This is very sexual.

Skills -- let's get into that.

Okay, that's very impressive. I do love to play basketball.

Young, dumb...

and fool of, you know --

and I see you got a little winky face there.

That's great.

You're kind of figuring out on the job. That's great.

"Thanks for your time." You're welcome, young man.

"I love you."

-[ Laughing ]

-Living a little fast.

[ Classical music plays ]

-I feel like I look like a magical high tech pervert.

-[ Laughs ]

You look like an undertaker for clowns.

-You look like you tripped and fell into a Spencer's Gifts.

-You look like a carpet fucked a nerd.

-[ Laughs ]

-I like that the carpet

was the one that [speaks indistinctly]

-The carpet made the first move on the nerd.

-Mr. Smirl is ready to see you.

-We got this.

-So, welcome to the job interview.

Starting me, Justin Mac-- Justin McElroy.

-All I can say is, son, you're lucky you're related to me.

-I'm a breadwinner now for our family.

And I know it would be a real shame --

you would think it's a real shame

if something happened -- Let me start --

That wasn't how I wanted to phrase it.

-I am not qualified at all.

And I know what you're thinking.

Why would you lead off with that?

I am a blank canvas, sir,

upon which you might create your masterpiece.

-Oh, shit, who's ready for round two?

-Griffin McElroy.

-Hi, Tommy, it's good to see you.

-$6?

What is that for?

-[ Sighs ] I feel like this isn't going to work out.

-Well, let me ask you this. -Yes, sir.

-Would you like a beer? -I would love a beer.

Is this a test. Aw, shit.

-You just failed it. That's the oldest trick in the book.

There is no drinking on the job.

-I think we can both agree,

I did the job for not long enough,

and I think we can both, like, agree,

right, like, I as really --

I think we can both agree that I was unfairly let go last time.

-Pardon me while I call in your former supervisor

who is still here.

-That's not [stammers]

-Hey, Dwight, can you come in here?

-Damn it.

-We're gonna have to shred those.

-Thank you for your time. -Thank you.

-First week you were here, you were working part-time.

You asked for a paid vacation to go to Bonnaroo.

[ Paper crinkling ]

-I'm gonna write a number on this paper,

and that'll be my salary.

-There are too many digits.

There are too many digits. Griffin, stop.

-Take your electronic resume with you.

-Keep it. It's part of the bribe.

-I mean, usually you wait for them to call you, right?

-He's just waiting for a follow-up.

That's the business. -That's a good point.

-So we are just curious which one of us got the gig.

-I think we're done here with this.

There are too many digits.

-Are you sure you don't want the jets on?

-No, the sound guy said that the bubble noise was too much.

So he said to just leave them off for the TV show.

-So now we're just in dude soup.

-Now we're just in stagnant boy soup.

-Just a little son stew.

-Daddy, we had kind of a buck wild day today.

It was a tale of missed redemptions.

-Did you learn anything?

-This could be a fun segment,

where the three of us try to recall

what the fucking question at the beginning of the episode

even was.

-Oh, shit. What was it?

-He wanted to pad his resume.

Right? -Here's the advice.

You could put what the fuck ever you want

'cause no one checks it.

-All we had to do was point cameras at people

and tell them we're making a TV show.

They gave us whatever fucking job we want.

It's that easy.

-If you have a TV crew.

-If you have a TV crew.

-Or the confidence of a man ho has a TV crew.

-With that confidence you're gonna get any job you want.

And I have faith in you. You got on this TV show.

You can say consultant.

Special TV consultant.

-It's your first bit on the resume.

-Here's another one. Co-executive producer.

No. Can't do that one. Not that one.

-Writer. He wrote a question.

-Question. No, no, no.

Special associate producer?

Okay, we'll talk.

-We'll work on it.

-I don't have anything else to say here

except I very badly have to use the restroom.

[ Laughter ]

Please, God, please, God, Steve.

And then make a Griffin-shaped path from here to the restroom.

[ Chatter ]

[ Repeating "Steve" ]

Oh, no, Steve, you started on the wrong side!

Steve!

-Steve, you've chosen well.

-Steve, Steve, Steve.

Steve, my dawg, how does $20 sound?

-Down more. -Yeah, a little lower.

-Down more. -Like this?

-Yeah. -A little bit more down.

-Left, yeah. -Toward Travis?

-Yeah, towards Travis. -Yeah, a little farther.

-Down and towards Travis.

Down and towards Travis.

Okay. In our defense, that's the best spot.

-It's the best spot for it.

-Why did he take it? Yeah, give me a nail.