Original subtitles

-Marker. -All right, quiet on set.

This is "My Brother, My Brother, and Me" season one, episode one.

All right, this is the cold open. Action.

-Oh, God. -What?

-You can't just yell "Go."

-Like, do stuff?

-Were we supposed to write something?

-It's not, this isn't it yet.

-Do these, are these cameras equipped with the technology

where we could reach out and --

-I know the government has it.

-A Morgan Freeman narration

over, like, these three brothers...

-Just watch one.

-Just watch one episode.

-Chuckle up. -Chuckle up?

-It's like buckle up but with laughter.

-We should have made something up.

-Can we start the TV show over?

[ Mid-tempo theme music plays ]

-We're the McElroy brothers.

Please enjoy our show, won't you?

-The McElroy brothers are not experts,

and their advice should never be followed.

They're just three brothers who created a podcast,

and now they've returned to their hometown

to tape a TV show.

Also, this show isn't for kids,

which I mention only so you babies

out there know how cool you are for watching.

What's up, you cool baby?

**

* It's familiar

* But not too familiar

* But not too not familiar

* It's a new craze

[ Indistinct singing ]

-Hello and welcome to "My Brother, My Brother, and Me,"

an advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

-I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy.

-And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy.

-We used to make a podcast, but then we quit,

and we come here to where the real money is, streaming TV.

-We get paid...

$10...per...show.

-Uh-oh, bad deal.

Griffin, what are some of the big changes

you've made in the translation from podcast to television?

-I'm glad you asked, Justin. Got a whole new body.

Full body transfer, all of it.

Head, brain, ears, ding dong -- that one was important.

-Tushie? -The tushie is great,

thank you, Travis.

-Who is the tushie by?

-The tushie is by David Hyde Pierce.

-It's the David Hyde Pierce model.

-Okay, perfect. That's a very good one.

One of the biggest changes I would say is that

because we're on TV,

which lawyers actually watch instead of making a podcast,

we are discouraged from using any brand names or proper nouns.

-It's a real tricky dick because, like, you know,

we go on these great runs

where it's just like Taco Bell, Sprees, Tastations.

Instead it's got to be burrito zone,

sugar pills, dead candy.

-Yeah, and that's how you know.

-That's how you know what we're talking about.

So apologies --

it's going to get confusing, but it's confusing for us.

It's our first TV show.

-Yeah, and one thing that hasn't changed, though,

is we still give advice here.

We asked our listeners for questions,

real life problems that we could really fix here

in our hometown of Huntington, West Virginia.

The first one comes to us from Libby,

and it goes a little something like this.

"Hey, brothers, I'm starting college this fall

and just met up with my roommate to discuss

what we're bringing to the dorm room.

She said she has a small collection of haunted artifacts

she wants to bring.

I really don't want to spend the next school year

living in a 12 by 20-foot room with multiple ghosts.

So how should I handle this?"

That's, again, from Libby from Milwaukee.

-Do you think that this future roommate was inspired

by the scene at the end of "Toy Story 3"

where they take the dolls

and they're just afraid all their haunted dolls

would be like, "You're going away to college,

you're not taking us?"

-Stop. -Okay.

-Stop the television show.

Do you think all of the toys in "Toy Story"

are possessed by different ghosts?

-Question -- do they not move around when no one is watching?

Do they not scare the shit out of Syd?

That seems like a pretty scary ghost thing to do.

-[ Laughs ]

You see, Jessie, Woody is a dead cowboy

that lives in a cowboy man.

-Other than that, Griffin,

it's that all toys are just alive all the time.

Which one makes more sense?

-At what point does the Toy Story life begin?

-Is all plastic alive, Griffin?

-It's two on one right now

of you guys suggesting that my thing,

that toys are magic and alive, is crazier than yours

that Woody was killed in a terrible passion.

-You don't know how he gently

slipped away peacefully in his sleep,

but probably not -- he seems to have an edge.

So, anyway, Libby, don't worry, we've got you covered.

We're going to come for you -- No.

-No, we're not!

-We're not. You're fine.

[ Classical music plays ]

-We're risking life and limb to help Libby

in her haunted dorm room situation,

but first we need a test case,

an average unhaunted dorm room here at Marshall University.

-Let's go.

I feel like that was a pretty good intro.

-I thought we did a really good job.

I'm very proud of us. -They believed it.

I'm sensing a problem.

The dorm room as we found it is very pristine and unhaunted.

It doesn't feel like Libby's dorm room.

-Let's make this the kind of dorm room

that us 29-plus-year-old-men would live in,

in the women's-only dorm.

-Absolutely. -I got the door.

-What are you doing? -L-shaped bed.

-These two people are going to sleep head to head?

-Yeah. -It's a wish blanket.

This is how two roommates become one friend.

-Perfect. -Oh, I saw panties.

This is the most demented design that anybody has ever done.

I think this room is kid tested, mother approved, ghost free.

Let's see if we can't spook it up

a little bit with some delightful ghouls.

[ Classical music plays ]

Just off the bat, hold on. -Yes.

-Before we get started. -Okay.

Quick prayer? -No.

-Okay. -I just want to say

I feel something in here.

-Do you? -It's great prices.

Let's do it.

-Okay, great.

-Water?

Hi, everybody, it's me, Justin McElroy.

We just wrapped up on our whole ghost episode,

and it occurred to me

we didn't put any real spooks or scares in there,

but don't worry, I'm a TV professional.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to film some jump scares,

and then through some edit bay magic,

we're going to put them back into the show for you

so you're not going to know when they're coming

but they're going to be pretty fucking scary.

Now, here is my warning to you.

If you watch the rest of this episode,

you'd better do it with an empty bladder

because once the spookmaster general is done with you,

you're going to piss your fucking pants.

Okay, back to the show.

Jump scare!

I'm too embarrassed to say it,

but we're looking for stuff that's kind of haunted.

-Do you know if anything here

has been owned by someone who has died tragically?

-Travis!

-I know but, like, I want to just cut -- okay.

-You know, I have a rocking horse up there

that looks like a few children

may have fallen off of him and bumped their head.

-That's good. -Sick.

-Nice.

-All right, so far, this has not gone great.

-Oh, I don't like that at all.

-There's a very real chance that that is not a doll.

-Yeah, that's just somebody who got frozen in time up there.

Like, that one is haunted, but I'm not getting the ladder.

-I'm looking at these bad boys.

You could bake a potato with all the kid energy

coming off these ones.

-They're radiating a lot of not good energy.

-Pros and cons, con one -- hate touching them.

-Okay. -Pro -- they're 20 bucks.

-[ Laughs ]

-I want to make a sales pitch for the turtle,

and I want you boys to give me a fair shake here.

-Okay. -Things about turtle I like --

handmade, kids, yes, all that kid energy is in there.

You need objects in a dorm room that have multiple uses.

This could be a stool.

-Could you hide your weed in there?

-Yes. -Yes, confirmed.

-Because it says on the back for the kid [speaks indistinctly]

so we just go ahead and take that away

from the kid on a comedy show.

-It's a good chance it won't be on sale,

in case I'll buy it with Griffin money.

-Weak.

-Ooh, now we're talking. -Okay.

-I'm getting a lot of kid energy.

-I feel a lot of kid energy off that boy.

There's a chance that someone,

probably an older fan of art in their 70s, is going to be

watching this show and just --

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

-We have -- I'm so afraid to touch everything.

We've got the kids' rocking chair,

the rocking horse here.

We've got a boy, the shoes.

-I saw Mac the turtle back there.

-Mac the turtle is not for sale.

-Say goodbye to Mac, Griffin. -$500.

-He's not for sale. -$600.

-Not for sale.

-$600 for Mac?

Can I ask you another question? -Yes.

-Can I come to your store once a week and just hold him?

Mac, I wish I could bring you with me, buddy,

but they wouldn't let me buy you.

That's just how life works sometimes,

and maybe some day fate will bring us together.

I think let's have our favorite bedtime ritual

before we have to part ways, doesn't that sound good?

-"Where's Mr. Tuffy?

He put down his lunch box and gave them all a hug.

Sue pulled his cap off and put it on her head.

'Are you going to be a fireman on a train

like I am, Sue?' Daddy asked?

Girls can't work for the railroad."

[ Laughs ] When is this book from?

[ Classical music plays ]

-So we're in need of some insight

about interior decoration and haunted stuff in the room,

so we went to, like, you know,

the property experts, the Property Brothers.

Hello, Property Brothers. -Hello, hello.

-We only have brothers on this show.

Brothers only. -Brothers only show.

-Also, this is our warning shot across your bow --

watch the fucking TV brother throne

because we're coming and we're hungry,

and there's three of us.

-It takes three of you to make up two of us.

-That's a fair -- -Between the three of us

we almost have enough handsome as one of you.

-That's actually very kind math on your part.

I'm going to list a couple things

that we picked up at the store,

and I'm hoping you guys can maybe give us

some placement ideas.

One is sort of a very old portrait

of a boy who may be dead.

Where does that fit in?

-If it's one of the bunk bed dorm rooms,

then have it on the underside of the upper bunk,

so when the lower bunk person wakes up,

the boy is staring at them.

-I'm worried about the mental picture,

though, of if the person on the top bunk is getting busy,

the boy picture is shaking

and the person on the bottom bunk having to look up.

You'd have to have a rule -- if this boy's a-rattlin',

you'd best get skeedaddlin'.

[ Laughter ]

-Then you just need to have that disclaimer on the door,

and then you're fine. -So, let's talk about value.

If Libby sold her dorm room, that would be insane.

It doesn't work like that at all.

You can't sell your own dorm room.

But how does having something super haunted affect value?

-If you were to be able to sell your dorm room,

I would just suggest you have

to disclose something like this.

You have to use the right verbiage, so own it

and just say, you know, it's famous.

This is a famous -- somebody is paying

a good price for a famous location --

People are dying to get into this dorm room.

-That's good.

-Obviously, I'm the real estate agent.

-[ Laughs ]

[ Classical music plays ]

-Hey, guys. -Hello, Mr. Mayor.

Thank you for meeting us. -It's good to see you again.

-I understand that you all needed to talk

but nobody was able to get out of you

what you needed to talk about, so what's going on?

-We've prepared sort of a -- I didn't know

if you had these handy,

but we made a ghost permit.

[ All talking ]

-This is for smashing ghouls.

-And this doesn't provide us

with broad sort of paranormal killing powers.

It's just ghoul smashing.

-A special issue permit of ghost hunting?

-Yes.

-Per the decree from the Office of The Mayor of Huntington,

West Virginia --

Griffin, Ghost Auctioner?

-Ghost-ecutioner.

I do realize that Justin probably

wrote it down in a confusing way.

-Travis "Weirdo Beardo" McElroy.

-Nailed it, got that one.

-And Justin "Big Muscles" McElroy.

-Mayor said it. That's legal, everybody.

-"Are allowed to smash ghouls in and around

the City of Huntington, West Virginia.

They will not be punished for ghoul smashing

and may do whatever it takes to smash the ghouls, the Mayor."

-And then there's a little space there to sign it

to make it an official decree or permit or law.

-Here's what I'm saying, Mayor Williams,

if I may call you Mayor Williams.

This could be a defining moment of your term.

There's a pen on your desk.

There's a permit next to it. There's a camera here.

-Well, why don't we not sign this,

whatever you all are doing you all keep it to yourself.

-And we won't be punished for it.

-And I have a feeling that

nobody is going to notice it anyway.

-[ Groaning ]

Jump scare.

[ Classical music playing ]

-Hi, Daddy. -Hi, guys. Hi.

-That was a really natural wave.

If I remember correctly,

you have a very good college roommate story

that I was wondering if you could rehash for us,

for the roommate that disappeared.

I know it doesn't paint you in the best light maybe.

-Well, a Marshall football player

who was in the adjoining room to me didn't come back

for the second semester.

And I mean, he just didn't come back.

-He ghosted on you. -He left all of his clothes,

all of his textbooks,

all of his different bric a brac,

so I adopted that room.

-That's a fun verb that you used there.

-After selling all of his shit.

-There it is. -What the fuck, Fagan?

-Hey, he went back to Bermuda! He lived in Bermuda.

-Dad, that sounds like a euphemism

someone used for "died."

-No, he went and he was never coming back, so we sold --

Did you kill him? -This was the '70s.

-No-No.

-Hey, Dad, did you kill a man?

-Did you kill a man

to sell his fucking Steely Dan records for $8?

Daddy? -Daddy, you can tell us.

Listen, no one is watching.

This is just Internet TV. No one is watching this.

-Hey, guys, turn the cameras off. Wink.

-He had it coming.

-I knew it. -He had it coming.

-Everything that we've done here so far

has been a very elaborate sting operation

to get you to confess to that crime.

In fact, I've got to show you, I'm wearing a wire.

-[ Laughs ]

-Ow. [ Classical music plays ]

-We tried our very best to get some haunted artifacts

to put into the dorm room,

but just in case, I wanted to have a little bit of backup.

A little bit of guaranteed, 100%,

definitely haunted backup.

-A ghoul in the hole. -A ghoul in the hole...

[ Imitates beeping ]

-It's a long one.

-Haunted doll watch.

That's right, I combed eBay

to find the most haunted- sounding doll possible.

-If you want my honest right now, just gut check,

I'm very nervous. I'm legitimately nervous.

-Okay.

-This is prayer. This is legitimate.

-Don't look, don't look. -Oh, God.

-Wait, close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed.

The name is Marvin, okay?

Just picture Marvin in your head.

Okay, don't look. Don't look.

[ Laughs ] Okay.

Don't look, don't look.

You're not looking, you're waiting, and now.

-Oh God!

No!

It's so much worse than I thought it was going to be!

-No, please, don't, no.

-What are his hands made of that they make that sound?

-Bones!

[ Cymbals clapping ]

He can stand on his own.

-[ Laughs ]

-That's another good thing.

That's how you know he's haunted.

So here's the story. -Don't hog him.

-There were four bids, but we swooped in and--

-Holy shit, I'm so glad we found you, Marvin.

-Yeah, $20.50. -Please don't make it move.

Please don't jiggle him. -I'm not.

I'm not making him move.

Read the damned story! -Okay.

"Marvin was a bank robbing clown.

He robbed several banks.

-Hell yeah, Marvin, just like me, a rebel.

-"Flawlessly, until one night

he picked the wrong bank and was surrounded by police.

Out of desperation, Marvin took a hostage

and proceeded to the front of the entrance of the bank

and took off in his car with the hostage,

a female, mid 40s."

Her name was Tanya? Sure.

"Little did Marvin know she had the power

to make things happen with her mind." Twist!

-Whoa! -Oh, my God.

-You didn't see that coming, but that's the deal.

The story is kind of about Tanya also.

"Tanya noticed this doll in the backseat."

-So, okay, hold up a second. -Stop.

-Wait, no, stop.

You're telling me that he's like,

"I've got to go rob this bank.

I have a gun, I have a funny bag with a dollar sign on it."

-I've got my hybrid colored clown.

-And I've got my hybrid colored clown

in the backseat, Marvin, watching my back.

-Marvin, let me know if the car is still on.

-Okay, so Tanya noticed this doll

in the back seat and proceeded with her plan,

concentrating hard while traveling at high speeds

during the police chase.

Both her and Marvin were not wearing seat belts.

Tanya thought really hard on Marvin

losing control of the vehicle

and crashing into a ditch. [ Tires screech ]

And Marvin lost control.

Tanya clipped her seatbelt on, and they crashed,

sending Marvin through the windshield.

Tanya focused on his soul going into the doll, still intact.

She wanted his soul trapped forever.

You could see a mist traveling to the doll,

as the story goes from those who witnessed.

So, that's Marvin's story.

Let's throw him straight in the garbage.

-Wait, look, look, look.

That's not me! You've got to stop doing that!

I'm trying to hold his arm down.

-Don't make him look at me while he does it.

-Justin, look at his eyes.

He can't finish unless you look him in the eyes.

I don't want him to finish. I don't want him to finish.

-I hate this fucking show.

[ Classical music plays ]

-Jump scare!

But, oh, seriously, the next scene is actually here.

Can you tell me a little bit about

the Coalition of Paranormalists and what you guys do?

-I think the main reason we started

was we wanted to help people understand

better what's going on.

-Have you ever experienced a benevolent, like, nice ghost?

Has there ever been a time when you're like,

"Yeah, there's definitely a ghost here but he's totally chill"?

-That's a ghost you can kick it with.

-For the most part,

I think there are ghosts that you can kick it with.

-How do you kill it? Do you have a magic sword?

-How do you kill it? You throw salt at it.

-Is that real, because I need to know.

-No.

-Okay, so that about does it for us.

We're hoping that after we take over Libby's stand-in room,

haunt it up, y'all can come in

and check it out and let us know what you think.

-Absolutely. -Sure.

-Let's do it. -Let's check it out.

[ Classical music plays ]

-When there's something unusual,

in the places you live, who's the best contact?

-Ghoul smashers!

-Let's just start scattering

some of this very creepy stuff all around.

-What if we do it like this?

It looks like, uh-oh, who is under there?

-We got the solid boy.

I don't know. Can we hang the boy?

This is a sign to everybody like--

-No, I want to enjoy it. -"Cool kids live here."

-I didn't buy the boy

so everybody outside could enjoy it.

I bought the boy for me.

This looks like Libby is some sort of scientist

who invented some new medicine,

and the design for the medicine is worth a billion dollars,

and so somebody broke into her college dorm

to search for it,

and this was the result of that search.

-Yeah. -It doesn't feel -- okay,

I'll say this.

It feels a little clinical in here.

It doesn't feel very spooky.

-Can you please strong arm,

can you get us over that 100-yard line

into the touchdown zone of spookiness?

-I've got something. -I got it. I got it.

Go, go, go.

Can you guys go away, please, so I can finish?

Please.

[ Eerie music plays ]

-Hey. -Hi, guys.

-So, listen. -Okay.

-We spooked it up really good. -Okay.

-All haunted, it's all scary,

and I'm worried that it's too scary.

-We committed spook-tastic crimes against humanity in there,

and you guys are going to go in there

and you're going to dump your butt.

-In advance, we're sorry for whatever happens in there.

-You're going to yell and throw each other through the window.

Your skull is going to come out of you.

-And then go back in but backwards.

-All right. So, it looks like we've got--

Oh! -Good evening.

Welcome to the haunted dorm --

One second, fuck.

-Do you need some help?

-Yeah, if you could move that, please.

-Do you want me to hold your -- -Can you hold the candle?

Ow, fuck!

[ Metal clangs ]

-Thanks. -Thank you.

Welcome to the haunted dorm room.

-So, here's what we would want to do.

Let's put one of the EMF detectors

in the super weird rocking chair.

Let's do one here beside the tiny hobbit clogs.

-Okay. -You want to see what

we can do with this laser grid?

-Absolutely I do. -There we go.

-Hell yes.

-Is there anybody here

who wants to say anything to us?

-Okay, fine. God, I didn't want to have to-

-What are you doing?

-* I love to party with ghosts

* I'm a little piece of goat meat *

* Ghost meat for you

* I'll do whatever you need

-Okay, so Justin is trying to seduce the ghost now.

-* Why don't you haunt my

Jump scare! [ Laughs ]

-Is there a chance that none of the things

we bought are haunted?

-Absolutely. -Aw, man.

-But you don't know that until you do something like this.

-Can we turn the lights on? -We have a ringer.

-Really? -We have one other thing

and it is 100% haunted.

-110% haunted. -Guaranteed.

-Theres 1.1 ghosts in this thing.

-Yeah, this one feels to me like,

for sure definitely haunted.

-Close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed.

-Okay stop, wait, wait, wait.

-As soon as you get that shit in there --

-We execute Extraction Plan Delta.

-We won't leave you behind.

-Yeah, no shit.

-Okay.

-Okay, go, go, go, go.

[ Chatter ]

-Stay with this boy.

-[ Repeating "Close eyes" ]

Get me out, get me out, get me out!

Pull me, pull me, pull me!

I'm sorry. Go, go, go, go!

-Shit, shit, shit. Just go, just go.

-Who is this?

-[ Laughing ] Oh, my God! No.

-What is --

-I'm super freaked out by clowns.

-Do you want him to touch you? -No, I do not.

Get his shoes off of me.

-That's his hand. -I don't care.

Oh, my God. -That's his weird --

[ Classical music plays ]

-So, we had a question from Libby who wanted us to know

that she was moving with somebody

who was bringing a lot of haunted artifacts

to the dorm room they were going to share.

So we were --

we filled a dorm room with haunted stuff.

We're not really clear -- we kind of lost the plot.

-So, what else did you do besides--

-We bought a doll. -We bought a very spooky doll.

-That doesn't sound as impressive.

We went to an antique store.

When you say it out loud it sounds

like we just went shopping.

-We went to an empty dorm room

and met some very nice people that hunt ghosts.

We went antiquing.

We stuck our antiques and some trash in a dorm room

and then threw a clown at some people who left.

-It was a good day all in all. -It was a good day.

-That's like a day at a bed and breakfast in the country.

-Yeah. -Oh, shit, Libby.

Listen, hey, it's your boy J.

The first day you go in, get some ghost-testing equipment,

scan all her shit and tell her none of it's haunted.

It's ugly trash that you brought in for no reason.

Maybe she'll throw it away.

-That's actually really good advice.

-Yeah, it's really good advice. Put her to the test.

-Can we eat this fucking food or what?

-Jump scare!

[ Rock music plays ]

Jump scare!

[ Indistinct singing ]

-Jump scare!

-We've got books to read before you fall asleep.

-Shelves and closets for keeping

all your dirty little secrets.

-A weed operation.

-[ Laughs ]

-Forgot to do that,

but we're going to do that before we go.