Original subtitles

[SHOWER RUNNING]

REBECCA: Can we talk about your mom?

Aren't we always talking about my mom?

I just can't deal with the way she says things.

Oh, no.

Did she pronounce quinoa "keenya" again?

No, I'm talking about how in the bath,

she told Hazel to wash her flower.

I told her kids today are supposed to use

the proper word for their hoo hoo.

I really don't want to talk about my mom

or my daughter's flower.

- [SHOWER SHUTS OFF] - My robe?

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Are you looking at your gums again?

No.

Yes.

They're receding! I'm telling you!

Do they make Propecia for gums?

Okay, what is your deal with that?

I just feel bad when I see the gums

on the men in the magazines.

Okay, can we focus on my weird body things?

Can you check out this mole on the back of my leg?

I want to make sure it hasn't changed.

Okay, you've really got to make up

with your dermatologist already. It's enough.

Okay, you got to really get in there.

Hey, maybe kneel.

I'll try, but I hurt my knee putting on my seatbelt.

Look.

[GRUNTS]

- Do you see it? - I don't see anything, babe.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR] - Lower.

Hey, guys! Oh, my God!

STEW: Oh! Oh, boy!

- So... So sorry. No. Continue. - Yeah, we...

No! No!

No, you don't have to explain. We're gonna go.

Yeah, we'll ask you about the keenya later.

- [DOOR CLOSES] - No!

? ?

I just got rear-ended.

What?

Oh, wait, no, that was you last night.

Up top!

How do you know about that already?

We're on a text chain.

You have a separate text chain

with Mom and Dad that I'm not on?

Not everything is about you.

Except this text chain.

It's literally just about you.

And it's mostly bad.

I don't love it.

But you do "like" every photo.

Well, I don't want to be left out.

All right, ready, Dad?

- Where are you two going? - To the storage unit.

I'm gonna see if any of the stuff from the old house

- would work in my apartment. - Mm.

Don't take any of the Swarovski crystal.

I really want to keep that as a set.

Trust me, I won't touch it.

Why not? It's very high-end.

- Stew, make sure she takes the crystal. - Mm-hmm.

Love you.

Okay, I'm off. Come on, let's go.

Davey, I'm very proud of you.

A lot of men won't do that,

but you and I are not a lot of men.

We really got to clear this up right now.

Yeah. Last night, what you saw

was just Dave checking a mole for me.

Kids, you don't have to make up silly excuses.

I mean, you're two adults in your own home.

And you're gorgeous people.

Of course you're gonna want to pleasure each other's bodies.

Can I leave?

The planet?

Love-making is the ultimate pleasure.

And I'm sorry that I interrupted you.

You guys deserve to have pleasure all night long.

Mom, nothing sexy was going on.

I was simply checking her mole.

Yeah, and if we were doing that,

we would lock the door. Trust me.

- Uh-huh. - Well, last Monday,

I wanted to tell David

that Susie Polack's daughter was awaiting her IVF results.

The door wasn't locked.

And then Wednesday, I came in to say

Susie Polack's daughter is still not pregnant,

and the door wasn't locked.

And then yesterday, I came in to say the new egg harvest

looks promising,

and the door wasn't locked!

Mom, we don't know who Susie Polack is!

The point is your door is never locked.

Oh, my God!

Are you not pleasuring each other?!

Of... Of course w-we've had sex recently, right?

Yeah. I think so.

There was the day after I got a gel manicure.

Why are we talking about this?!

Oh, no!

Pleasure is a very important part of marriage.

You have to really stay on top of this and not get behind!

Unless, of course, that's what you're into.

- [STOMPS FOOT] Mom! Mom! - No! No! No!

? ?

So, now that you walked in on Dave and Rebecca,

you gonna get all weird with them?

Ohh, pfft. Of course not. It's natural.

So, when you walked in on me as a teenager

with my girlfriend, it wasn't natural.

Hmm. I see.

What are you talking about? I-I never walked in on you.

Jenny Finks?

The summer after my senior year?

The "Rent" soundtrack was playing?

Ohh, I love that show, and that song

where they talk about not paying this year's rent

and last year's rent.

Two years' rent!

Incredible chutzpah!

You remember detailed lyrics from a '90s musical,

but not the most formative moment of my teenage life?

Ouch to your bat mitzvah party.

Hmm.

Dad, it was formative because of how you responded.

You were so upset seeing me with a girl.

I mean, that's the reason I didn't come out

until after college.

I was scarred by the whole experience.

That was the worst Tuesday of my life.

Oh, come on. You remember the day of the week?

How could I forget?

You ran out yelling, "My eyes! My eyes!

Taco Tuesday is cancelled forever!"

And you never made your carnitas again.

Mm.

Maybe because there's been

- a big misunderstanding. - [SIGHS]

I mean [SCOFFS] I marched in the Pride Parade.

I wore a-a mesh tank top, for God's sakes.

But that was after I came out.

You walked in on me 15 years ago.

Maybe you were more closed-minded then.

The only time I've been closed-minded

is about chocolate hummus.

Hummus should be between tahini and a chickpea.

In order to forgive you,

I'm gonna need you to acknowledge

that you used to be a bigot.

I've never been a bigot!

I've loved the gays since before it was the thing.

- Hmm. - Oh, I used to play

that k.d. lang album all the time!

I loved it!

Well, I liked it.

I liked that one song.

? ?

You know, I have been thinking

about what your mom said about our sex life.

Really? Because I've been trying not to think about it at all.

The thing is people's sex drives ebb and flow.

- It's natural. - Oh, yeah.

Babe, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I know how tired you get.

Wait. [CHUCKLES]

Are... Are you saying my sex drive has ebbed?

No, that's what... that's what you were saying.

And again, I think it's incredibly brave.

[CHUCKLES]

No, you're the one being brave.

What? You think mine has ebbed?

That's simply not true.

I mean, I'm always trying to get with you, girl.

Okay, well, sorry if I'm not interested at 2:00 a.m.

after we just finished a horrifying "Unsolved Mystery."

And you never want to do it when I initiate.

I'm always trying to flow with you.

What about after Dana and Kristoff's wedding,

when they shared those emotional vows?

I was all riled up!

Yeah, well, I wasn't.

Their vows were about how they wished their parents were there.

All of their parents are dead.

So I was thinking about four dead parents!

I just... I... What are we even fighting about?

I can't believe you think our terrible sex life is my fault.

I can't believe you think our sex life is terrible.

I mean [SIGHS] it's pretty ebbed up.

Are you happy with getting laid quarterly?

I mean, no, not when you put it in financial terms, no.

But I am not the ebber!

And neither am I!

- Well... - [SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Well, why are you in bed?

I thought we were going to the gym.

Because I had chicken parm for lunch

and it's repeating on me and I don't like confrontation,

so this seems like the best way to handle it!

Oh. So, how was last night?

Did you moisten your dry spell and have a little pleasure?

It's none of your business.

None of my business?

That means no.

What is the problem here?

Is it because Rebecca wears a natural deodorant

that doesn't really work that well?

Or you neglect your manicure?

Or you use clinical terms for your privates?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Why do you assume I'm the problem?

I see.

Is it because Dave is a real Mr. Mom

and does absolutely everything around the house

and you find that unattractive?

Yeah, that's definitely not the problem.

Oh, I see the problem.

Marital tension.

There is no tension in our marriage.

If there's any tension here, it's you.

Oh, my God!

That's it! [SLAPS COUNTER] It's you!

We're ebbing because of you!

You know, Susie Polack had ebbed feet,

and she could only wear gladiator sandals.

But what a little swimmer.

What?!

Wha... Who are you talking to?!

I-I-I can't believe we blamed each other.

Before your parents moved in here, this was a flow factory!

Yeah, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

- Yeah. - Excuse moi?

I am not responsible for your lack of pleasure.

But sharing a wall with your family

is not exactly the sexiest way to live.

Well, maybe you have a point.

I mean, since we moved in,

Stew has only watered my flower

maybe four, five times a week.

Wait, wait.

A week?!

Real flowers don't need that much water.

? ?

Ohh!

You know my mom's a liar, right?

No one can have sex five times in a week.

It can't be done. I mean, who would do that?

I mean, us, when we first started dating.

We had sex at that karaoke bar.

Well, I'm sorry.

Don't select "Sexual Healing" if you don't want to be cured.

Okay, so, we're not having that much sex lately,

but, I mean, we can change that.

You know what was fun?

Back in the day, when we used to send each other

those flirty text messages.

Oh, yeah.

You on your T-Mobile Sidekick and me on my RAZR phone.

Oh, what a sexy time to be alive.

Yeah. And we could get back there.

- Yeah? - You know?

Tomorrow, you and me... we're sexting all day.

That's how we're gonna get our flow back.

Ooh. Marathon sext session.

That's right.

You better be careful,

'cause we're almost over our data limit,

- and it's only the 15th of the month. - [CHUCKLES]

Ooh. Hey, you save that sexy talk for the phone.

We're in our kid's room. We're in our kid's room.

We are in our kid's room. We are in our son's bedroom.

? ?

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Well, hello, Rebecca's boobs.

And part of a car seat.

"What you got?"

I'll show you what I got. [CHUCKLES]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Oof!

Not a lot of curb appeal on that bad boy.

Maybe I have to go undercarriage?

DEBBIE: Beauty, are you all right?

What are you doing?

Squats.

Oh, thank God.

I heard camera shutters,

and I thought there must be a pervert in there

taking pictures of you.

But truthfully, who could blame him?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Why are you at my bathroom door in the first place?

Oh, I have something very important to talk to you about.

Okay, well, if it's about my sex life, please, Mom, no more.

No, no, it's far more serious than that.

Susie Polack's daughter is pregnant!

Well, congratulations to this stranger.

Well, I would like to send a deli platter,

you know, to wish them mazel.

So I thought maybe you would want to come down

and sign the card.

As much as the Polack family, who I've never met,

would love to hear from me,

I actually am a little busy right now.

Doing what? Squats in the bathroom?

If you must know, I was trying to take a picture of myself

to send to Rebecca.

Oh, okay! I can take it.

Selfie!

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Ah. [CHUCKLES] - JOANNA: [CLEARS THROAT]

- Ah! - Dad!

- Hey. Mwah. - Look who I randomly ran into

- after sending 12 Facebook messages. - [CHUCKLES]

The universe works in mysterious ways.

Ah, well, it's you!

[CHUCKLING] Hey! Who's this?

- I'm Jenny. - That's right.

The Jenny. The one you have no memory of.

That's okay. I get that a lot.

So, um, are we going out to dinner, then,

- or do you want to stay... - So, Jenny and I were talking

on the drive,

and guess what she remembers.

"My eyes! My eyes!"

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

You feel like apologizing to Jenny for scarring her for life?

Oh, I mean, it was definitely weird,

but I wouldn't say it scarred me.

Look, I can't remember any of this,

but I'm mortified to think

that I might have made you feel unwelcome in my home.

And I would love to make it right.

It's really fine.

Joanna, I would love to go out to dinner maybe now...

I can make carnitas!

I think maybe I'd rather go out

- to that place that we were talking about... - Yeah,

- that's the least you could do, Dad. - Mm.

Uh, Jenny, apparently, I didn't make you tacos back then,

but I can make 'em now.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, hey, uh, so, they're gonna charge my credit card a penalty

if we don't show up to that reservation.

So, Jenny, our date is kind of about me

resolving an issue with my dad.

Aren't they all?

? ?

[KNIFE CHOPPING]

Oh, be careful, honey.

I was cutting jolly-peenies over there.

Jalape�os?

Yeah. What did I say? [CHUCKLES]

I'm whipping up tacos to prove I'm not homophobic.

Oh, no, can straight people not eat tacos?

I didn't see the news today.

I do like tacos, however, I want to be an ally.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Oh, Rebecca wants you up in the bedroom!

Yeah! Way to go, Davey!

Put him in, boys! He's ready to play!

[LAUGHTER]

Ugh. Quick update from downstairs.

It's Taco Tuesday for some reason.

Joanna brought a first date.

My mom is chopping jalape�os

and pronouncing them "jolly-peenies."

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

Just our sex life is over forever.

What? What are you talking about?

No, it's not. That's crazy.

Babe, I sent you a picture of my boob,

and you replied with a photo of you and your mom.

Tough to defend.

I sat in my minivan in the preschool parking lot topless.

For nothing!

Did my boobs in the minivan make you ebb?

No, absolutely not.

I loved your boobs in the minivan.

I love your boobs anywhere,

but I especially love them in the minivan.

[SNIFFLES]

I was gonna send you a picture back,

but I got distracted by a story

- about Susie Polack's daughter or something. - Ugh.

Who is this woman, and why is she ruining our life?!

I have no idea, yet for some reason,

I just went halfsies on a deli platter for her.

[SIGHS] Deb sent a pregnant woman cold cuts,

- and we're ebbing! - No, no, we are not ebbing.

We're gonna fix this.

I am gonna send you a picture that will make you flow

like you've never flowed before.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

This pic's gonna be so hot

it's gonna be like the molten-hot lava of Pompeii.

Oh. That city was destroyed.

You bet it was.

Oh. Okay.

? ?

Taco Tuesday's back.

Girls?

Girls?

Who wants to taste something delicious?

- I... Whoa! So sorry! - JOANNA: Dad! Get out!

? ?

STEW: Before we start,

I just want to say a few words to Joanna and her guest.

Mm-'kay?

So, I want you to know that while I'm sorry I interrupted,

I'm not sorry I witnessed the beautiful sharing of love

between you, a gorgeous, sensual, same-sex couple,

and I hope this makes us, like the Indigo Girls' song,

"Closer to Fine."

Okay, sure.

You're an Indigo Girls fan now.

He always was. We even went to their concert.

Wore a mesh tank top.

It was mine.

You, uh, might want to check your phone.

There may be a little sepia-tone surprise for you.

I didn't get anything.

Hmm? Really?

Well, it is the type of file that takes a long time to load.

- [CHUCKLES] - [CELLPHONES CHIME]

[CELLPHONE SLAMS]

Hey, Dave, why'd you send me an old-timey picture of your junk?

What was that?

I don't think that's, uh, possible that that is what happened.

Oh, well, actually, it's very possible.

You know, next time, you should consider

using the Valencia filter.

You know what will fix this?

If everyone just gives me their phones,

I'll throw them in the microwave,

and then we can never think about this ever again, okay?!

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

"Debbie 'liked' your photo."

I like everything on the chain.

If you will all excuse me,

I will never be back.

? ?

[DOOR OPENS]

So, the good news is that I took the photo

off of all of your family's phones.

But the bad news is I couldn't take it out of their brains.

Yeah, guess it hasn't been the sexiest day, huh?

Look, I think your mom just got in our heads.

And in your picture.

But we are in an ebb.

What if we've lost our flow?

We've ebbed before and got our flow back.

We'll be flowing before you know it.

You think?

Yeah. And we'll ebb again, too.

Yeah.

- You know what I like about us? - Hmm?

We ebb and we flow at the same time.

- You know what I like about us? - Hmm?

How smokin' hot we are.

You think I'm smokin' hot?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I just shame-ate a bunch of Mexican food in our bed.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm like 75% carnitas juice, and I have taco body.

Doesn't matter. I'm 100% into it.

Shut up.

- Yeah, you shut up. - [PLATE THUDS]

- You shut up. - [CHUCKLES]

- I should clean up the taco... Ooh. - No, get over here.

So, Taco Tuesday's back! Ha.

So, now do you forgive me

for that horrible thing I never did?

Look, you did do it,

but the truth is, a lot of my friends

do not have parents as accepting as you are.

I guess I just want to say I feel lucky you're my dad.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

- Oh, my God, are you crying? - I'm...

Sweetheart, all right. [CLEARS THROAT]

[VOICE BREAKING] I want to say that I hope you know

that I have always loved you

exactly... Aah.

- Ohh! - Dad?

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! My eyes! [INHALES SHARPLY]

- My eyes! Aah! - Stew, did you get

jolly-peenies in your eye?!

Oh! Taco Tuesday is cancelled forever!

- Oh! - Ohh!

Oh, sweetie, you got to be

- very careful with that stuff. - [GROANS]

- It can really burn delicate tissue. - [GROANS]

[SCREAMING]

My flower is on fire!

? ?

Chickpeas and chocolate.

What a beautiful marriage.

- Mm, speaking of marriage... - Hold that thought.

Dad?

Dad? What's the holdup?

We're gonna be late to the concert.

Mm! You look great!

You look like a creepy crossing guard.

Come on, let's go. The Indigo Girls wait for no man.

For obvious reasons.

Oh!

Ooh, I'm so excited.

I know every word to "Rites of Passage."

Oh, well, that's great.

You can listen to it while you're watching Joanna's dogs.

He only got two tickets, so...

Oh! That's fine.

You know, this seems like a good time

to get over my crippling fear of dogs.

It's like, "A German shepherd bit your face five years ago.

Get over it!"

I don't remember her being this needy.

I don't remember her at all.

? ?

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