Original subtitles

? ?

Just dropped the kids at the sleepover.

- They're gone? - They're gone.

They're gone!

- Yeah! - [BOTH LAUGH]

I mean, we love them.

- Of course. They're our everything. - Yeah.

But right now...

- they're gone! - They're gone!

- Unh, unh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Aw, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What? What? What?

? We've got no kids ?

- ? We've got no kids ? - ? We've got no kids ?

I have been looking forward to this sleepover

for three weeks.

We finally have the house to ourselves.

I know. The dream!

How long do we have, you know,

before our kids, who are beautiful,

- but exhausting, return? - Yeah.

24 hours.

24 hours? That's like a whole day.

I know.

We can do anything we've ever wanted to do.

Yeah. That's why we've got our lists.

I've been working on mine for months.

Oh, yeah.

Every time I see someone do something cool

that I know that we can't do because we have kids,

boom, goes in the notes section of my phone.

Ooh, you know what we should do?

- Huh? - We should throw axes,

you know, at that place where you chuck it

at the trees outside.

Although that... that does sound a little dangerous.

Yeah. We're both very clumsy.

- Yeah. - Oh, wait. How about this?

We could binge that show that we pretend to watch

but haven't actually seen?

We're such liars.

[BOTH LAUGH]

As long as we get to go to that new bar,

the Thirsty Mini-Cow.

That's where Danielle and Ramsy went

on their hashtag-kid-free-weekend.

The dream!

Mm. Oh, and at the bar, they have these new things

called tequila milkshakes,

and you enter the gender-neutral bathroom

through a bodega in the back.

Ooh.

How about a toast?

[CORK SQUEALS]

To a night without our children,

who I love so much,

but, again, are gone.

[CHUCKLES]

As they say in Jewish, L'Chaim.

I hear Dom P�rignon.

Oh, it's Korbel. Who died?

Hey, what are we toasting? What are we toasting?

Uh, a night without our kids.

Oh! That's the best.

Of course, the grandkids are my life,

but since the little buzzkills are gone,

should we play charades?

- Aw, Deb, baby... - Come on.

... Dave and Rebecca don't want to do that

on their free night.

- Oh, thank you, Stew. - Yeah.

Ken Burns has a new documentary

we could watch instead... "Mitt Romney: A Life."

[LAUGHS]

Shall I nuke up some tuna?

- Tuna! - [LAUGHS]

- There's the tuna dance. - Mmm.

? ?

Okay, so we'll work around my parents.

But nothing is gonna stop us from having the best night ever.

Can't they just have a sleepover?

Call one of the Karens.

The Karens are with the Carols.

Those eight people are inseparable.

[SCOFFS] It's not like my parents don't annoy me.

Have you noticed my dad saying a lot lately, "Yes and no"?

God. I know.

It can't be both, Stew.

They're opposites. [SCOFFS]

But they are not ruining our big night.

- I know. - Hey, guys.

- Whatcha talking about? - Oh...

- Oh, well... - Don't care.

Uh, just wanted to let you know

I will not be reachable this weekend.

I didn't think we were gonna try to reach you.

I'm doing a digital detox.

- Oh, a digital detox? - Yeah.

Okay, so, there's this amazing retreat up north

where you just go and stay in a yurt and unplug...

no distractions, no phones.

I posted about it on Insta.

Oh, yeah.

"Gonna recharge the batteries by not using the batteries.

Hashtag stars, hashtag nature, hashtag no phones."

That's a lot of hashtags for a digital detox.

Oh, I forgot one... hashtag can-you-feed-my-dogs?

- Joanna. - [BOTH SIGH]

We already are gonna have to work around my dad...

- She's gone. - How does she do that?!

? ?

So, Joanna needs someone to watch the dogs?

- Thank you, baby. - No prob.

Thanks, Mom.

We'll get a dog walker.

But wouldn't it be better if, I don't know,

you guys were there and did it?

Uh, yes... and no.

Look, we love Joanna's dogs.

They're our fur grandbabies.

- [CHUCKLES] - But having said that,

they're not our grandbabies.

They're dogs.

Well, the thing is, we kind of had a big night planned.

Oh, that's it?

Well, why didn't you say?

We'll go feed the mutts, then come back,

and the four of us can do something fun.

- Not all of us, Mom. - Ohh.

That's making a lot more sense.

Just the three of us.

Rebecca, you could watch the dogs.

No, Debbie.

Dave and I want to spend the night together.

Alone.

Together.

Just the two of us.

Me. And Dave.

Okay, I'm reading between the lines here,

and I think you two need some alone time.

Yes, that's exactly what we said.

'Cause I'm picking up what you're putting in.

I don't understand what that means.

You want to be alone.

Yes, that's... I know. That's what we said.

- [CHUCKLES] - I know. Me too.

Okay. Enjoy.

You two are so lucky to have me in your corner.

Do me a favor...

have sex on the kitchen counter like me and Daddy.

Yeah.

See, 'cause, technically it's an island,

so it's like vacation sex.

? ?

- So, you're going up there all alone? - Yes.

In the mountains all by yourself?

Yes. In a yurt.

A yurt? What's a yurt?

It's a yurt. It's a fancy tent.

Sounds like a house.

No, Stewie, it's for hot yoga.

No, it's not. It's a tent.

- The yurt? - The tent.

The tent is the yurt.

A fancy tent for hot yoga.

Guys, please stop. You don't get it.

Yes, we do. We do.

You're going up to the mountains

to live in a tree house on the ground

and eat hot yogurt?

Well, it's better than being all alone here.

To be honest,

this is why I'm going.

It is all my friends from college...

- Ah. - ... on a trip to Mexico.

Wow. Look at that. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, fun!

Look, there's what's-her-name

with what's-her-face and that girl.

- Yeah. - Yeah, all my friends

whose names you can't remember

are there, and I wasn't invited.

- What do you mean, you weren't invited? - Ohh.

You're a Klein.

No Klein has not been invited to a party since the 1930s.

That's why Grandpa Klein left Poland...

and other reasons.

Okay, now you're making me sadder.

All my friends went on vacation without me.

- I feel really left out. - Ohh.

It hurts my feelings. I mean, look at this!

They have a swim-up bar

where you can get massages in the water,

except it's not water.

The whole pool's a margarita.

God.

Stewie, do you see what's happening here?

Yes. And no.

I'm a little confused about the whole margarita thing.

I better make some just in case.

No, no, sweetie, Joanna is very upset.

It's fate that we be here,

not to watch the fur grandbabies,

but to baby our skin baby.

We need to give her 100% of our attention,

give her the best night ever.

Doesn't that make sense?

Yes. And no.

Are we having margaritas or what?

All right, I am off to a yurt to be alone with my thoughts.

Uh, sweetie, are you really sure

that this is the best idea right now?

I don't want to sit around here checking my phone,

looking at all the fun they're having in Mexico.

Ohh, sweetie, Mommy's here.

Come sit down.

- Oh, boy. - But... my yurt.

Oh, what's your hurry?

It's rush hour.

Give it a minute.

That is true.

I should probably try to avoid all that traffic.

Exactly.

Stew, what's the hold-up with the margaritas?

? ?

REBECCA: The perfect night is about to begin.

All right, the kids are gone.

Time to binge.

Okay. We should start now

because we have lots to do,

and the premiere and finale are both 2 hours

and we only have 21.

Well, we can kind of skip every other episode, you know?

Yeah, I heard this was filmed over the course of 11 years,

but I'm sure the core cast stays the same.

[CHUCKLES]

Huh. Not sure what's up.

It doesn't seem to be working.

Well, did you bang it?

I... Yeah.

I'm gonna call customer service.

All right, I'll get under the hood.

Okay.

MAN: Please note there are outages in your area.

We are working to repair it as soon as possible.

Your wait time is... 2 hours.

They always overestimate these things.

Your wait time is now... 4 hours.

All right, guess I'll start unplugging and replugging.

[BLOWING FORCEFULLY]

Nothing. I...

We are wasting our valuable time

trying to watch this stupid TV show!

Forget this show.

Go grab your tiny backpack.

We're going to the Thirsty Mini-Cow.

We're gonna get Green Eggs and Hammered.

Yeah. I'm gonna get perfect-level drunk

- to where my dancing's incredible. - Oh.

I've never seen that level of drunk from you.

Let's go. It's time to grease up the old belly-button ring.

Oh, yeah. No one likes a dry button.

? ?

And Mario the Baker's here,

and now we've got all your old faves!

- Ooh. - Whoo-hoo!

Thanks, Dad.

I can't believe I was gonna go to a yurt by myself.

What was I thinking?

I'm so glad you decided to stay.

Me too. This is exactly what I needed.

I've wanted to order take-out from all my favorite places

all at the same time since I was kid.

- I remember. - [CHUCKLES]

And I've always wanted to try egg roll on pizza.

Mmm.

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

So cute. Is it good?

Yes... and no!

[LAUGHS]

All right, we've got to capture this moment.

- Ah! - Oh, oh! No, use the Nashville filter...

flattering for all.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, my God.

- What? - Look at this.

Now my friends are doing a human pyramid at the beach.

All right, Joanna, stop with the Instant Gram.

Live in the moment!

But in this moment...

- I want my phone back! - No, wait!

- Ahh! Stop it! - Hide the phone!

- You're distracting me... - Take the phone from me!

- ... from enjoying the intermingling flavors... - She has to stop!

... of the egg roll and the pizza...

- No! - No way!

? ?

- This is fun. - So fun.

- So fun. - So fun.

- Is this line not moving? - Uh,

I'll get us in there quickly. Hold my coat.

Let me show you how it's done in Florida.

My wife's from Tampa.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Hi, there.

- Ma'am. - Uh, ma'am?

I'm wearing a choker, sir.

If you let us in, I'll give you a little...

something, something.

Ma'am, we don't accept bribes.

And we also don't accept crumpled-up Target receipts

and what seems to be birth-control pills?

Sorry. I'll get back in line.

It's a capacity issue.

- Uh, I'll try. - Okay.

I'm not cutting. I'm not cutting.

I'm not cutting.

I'm not cutting. I'm not cutting.

Hey, man, what's up? I'm Dave.

You know that lady that just came up here before?

Yeah. With the birth-control pills?

Oof, God, I hope so.

Anyway, we're kind of having a "our kids are at an overnight

and we only have 24 hours

to have the ultimate night" situation,

so if you could be just awesome

for a second and let us in, that would be great.

I absolutely cannot.

It's a capacity issue.

I can't believe I put this on our list, you know?

Stupid list.

I get it, babe. You're just trying to make this night count.

I've wasted so much of it.

And now we're on this line that's not moving.

Well, maybe the problem is we're just doing things

because other people have done them.

Yeah, you're right.

We can't do what everyone else is doing.

We need to do what Joanna is doing...

you know, unplug.

- Screw that list! - Yeah.

Let's go to a yurt!

Let's go to a yurt.

- Yeah. - We should say goodbye, though.

- Buh-bye, sir! - Bye, sir. Going to a yurt!

? ?

- Ahh? - Ahh.

Okay.

- Right? - Yep.

It's a little different than the pictures made it out to, but...

Yeah.

Eh. It'll be fine.

I mean, it has to be

since it took us two hours to get here. [CHUCKLES]

They gave us an air mattress with no bedding

for the price of a luxury hotel.

Hey, and look at this...

they even gave us a fancy yurt spray called...

Oh, it's bear repellent.

Bear repellent?!

Okay. Well, we'll be fine.

I'm just... I'm so glad we're doing this.

You know what? Me too. Really.

- Yeah. - This is all I need...

my girl.

I mean, I-I could have used maybe a...

a light jacket, but...

Just kiss me.

- Mnh! - Becca! Becca!

No, I'm okay! I'm okay!

- That was terrible. - Yeah, that sucked. Ohh.

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

- Ahh! - Ahh!

- Mwah! - Mwah!

Joanna, why are you acting so pouty?

We're having so much fun.

- Yeah! - Ooh, I know.

Why don't we do one of those human triangles

like your friends?

[LAUGHS]

It's called a pyramid, Mom.

And I don't think that's the answer.

Of course it's the answer. Get up!

Come on!

All right, well, let me get a pic.

Whoo!

[LAUGHTER]

Oh! I want to be on top!

- All right. - I get to be on top.

It's nothing sexual.

It's just where I like to be on a human pyramid.

Plus, I'm a little "dwunk."

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, uh, I saw a Ken Burns documentary on this.

The ancient Egyptians used to build pyramids just like this.

They'd put people in poses like this

and then drop rocks on them.

Those were our people!

Mom, okay, get up.

- I set the camera timer. - Okay. All right. Okay.

- All right, get up there. - Ohh, ohh, I'm sorry.

That's all right. Ah, ah, back's locking up!

Oh, my God, we're doing it!

- This is amazing! - [LAUGHS]

I'm queen of the Titanic!

[LAUGHS]

? ?

[SIGHS]

[EXHALING RHYTHMICALLY]

I hate traffic!

See? Waze doesn't account for deer.

[VOICE BREAKING] Like, I feel like I'm gonna cry.

We blew it!

We had one night!

I'm tired. I'm hungry.

We couldn't even have sex right!

That is not our fault.

Wait a second.

Look at this!

Joanna never went to the yurt.

She's hanging out with your parents!

A human pyramid?!

They know that's my biggest fear

but also something I need to conquer!

[SCOFFS]

Look at all this food!

Egg rolls on pizza?!

The forbidden topping!

My stupid sister,

convincing us that that yurt was all that,

and then she doesn't even go?!

Wait a minute.

Were we running around all night

when we could have been having a better time with your parents?

No! That... That is cuckoo bananas!

I will not even entertain that idea!

? ?

Ahh.

This is fun, huh?

Isn't this fun, Joanna?

More fun than a tent.

Better than swimming in some fakakta margarita pool.

Yeah, and honestly, people are loving this human-pyramid photo,

so I'm feeling pretty good.

[CHUCKLES] You're welcome.

Damn it.

Romy, Gigi, and Goldie just liked the photo, too.

Well, of course they did.

- Everyone's talking about it. - Ah.

My form was perfect.

No, you don't understand the "sosh meeds."

I don't even understand what you just said.

Okay, sometimes on social media,

a "like" means someone likes something,

and sometimes a "like" means, "Haha, you loser!"

How did I get here?

I'm an adult woman

posting a human-pyramid photo with my parents.

Ouch.

Now this stupid photo's just gonna be floating around

in the Internet ether forever.

Why did I tag it hashtag parent-mid?

Ah.

To be fair, Joanna, your mother and I told you not to.

Who cares?! Why are you even following

- these people all day anyway? - Ah.

Because I like to feel bad! I don't know!

I don't know.

It's just so hard to have fun when you can see

all the fun everyone else is having.

Joanna, listen to me.

If you're gonna be comparing your life with everyone else's,

you are never going to be happy.

Oh, you have a great life!

Listen to Daddy.

And the only way to enjoy it is to appreciate it.

- You're right. - Yeah.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, that must be the lamb burgers.

Yeah, you know, your mother and I could have been jealous

of Dave and Rebecca's big night,

but, no, instead we're just happy

thinking about what a wonderful time they're having.

Look who's here.

[SIGHS] I'm starving.

It was the worst night ever!

A spider crawled into my mouth, Mom!

What are you guys doing here?

Should I order more food?

We're down to six pizzas.

Our night without our children

- was a disaster. - Yeah.

Probably 'cause Jo incepted us over that stupid yurt.

Sorry I'm such a successful influencer.

Mmm!

What? I'm starving.

I saw your photo of all this food.

Hey, great parent-mid, by the way.

Why you looking at pictures of us on your one night alone?

Because that's what people do, Dad!

That's what Joanna's been doing all night.

What the hell is wrong with you kids?

FOMO!

Well, I-I don't think I'm allowed to say that.

No, Mom, FOMO, as in Fear Of Missing Out.

Uh... not a thing.

You're never worried everyone's having fun without you?

[CHUCKLING] No, never.

'Cause wherever I go, it's always the best

- 'cause I'm the best. - That's right.

That's why I'm always with her.

I mean, you guys are in a dirty loft

doing a human pyramid with your adult daughter.

But I get it.

David, Joanna, you're the best, too.

Rebecca, you're married to the best.

It's a fun life, married to the best.

Mwah! My point is,

you kids have to learn to start living in the moment more.

Dave and Rebecca,

you put way too much pressure on yourselves,

worrying about everybody else thinking if you're having fun.

And, Joanna, you must stop with this "MOFO" stuff.

It's FOMO, Mom.

What'd I say?

And you shouldn't have a fear of missing out.

In fact, the only thing we have to "FO" is FOMO itself.

You should all be FOMOphobes.

We should all be FOMOphobic.

In fact, eh, we should stop trying

to reign in our FOMOphobia!

Okay, well, that's not gonna catch on.

But you're right.

We had one night to ourselves, and we wasted it.

Yeah, I can sympathize.

I spent my whole night just chasing that "likes" dragon,

looking at what everyone else was doing,

till I realized it was taking me away from the now.

Now I live in the moment.

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES] - What's that, now?

Goldie just sent me a message

asking why I didn't come to Mexico.

They invited me on Facebook, but I didn't check it!

See, the lesson here is that social media

can drive you nuts for no reason.

No, no, no, no. The lesson is

I-I just need to be checking it more.

? ?

I get why everyone in the world loves this show.

- Yeah. - It's awesome.

How many characters are on this show?

They've already killed off like 12 people,

and we're only 15 minutes in.

What schmucks were we, thinking we could binge

this whole show and go to a bar?

- [CHUCKLES] I know. - I'm having fun now.

Mm.

This is what we should be doing...

enjoying pockets of time together when we have them.

Yeah. We put too much pressure on ourselves

to have, like, the most epic night...

- Yeah. - ... when the truth is

I could be in an empty room...

as long as you were there, it would be the time of my life.

Ooh.

That's so sweet.

But shh. This is the episode where they reveal his daughter.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Is that his sister?

You know what? Actually, I think I hate this show.

Yeah. No, no, no, no.

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