Original subtitles

(indistinct conversations)

(Jane laughs)

THIS HAS BEEN FUN.

IT'S NICE TO EAT SOMEPLACE WITHOUT ANIMATRONICS.

WELL, I CAN HAVE 'EM DO A LITTLE DANCE FOR YOU.

I'M PRETTY TIGHT WITH THE STAFF. (laughs)

HEY, JOSH. HOW'S THE PSORIASIS? THAT WAS PRIVATE.

(whispers) JOSH HAS PSORIASIS.

OH. THAT HAPPENS. (normal voice) JANE?

YEAH?

I KNOW WE'VE ONLY BEEN DATING FOR A FEW WEEKS,

AND YOU MIGHT THINK THIS IS TOO SOON TO ASK,

BUT I WOULD LOVE TO MEET YOUR KIDS. OH!

AND I'D GET TO SEE YOUR HOUSE. OH.

♪♪

(child laughs)

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

THIS IS WONDERFUL. IT MEANS HE REALLY LIKES YOU.

AND I LIKE HIM, WHICH IS WHY I DON'T WANT HIM TO SEE THE CHAOS

WHICH IS MY LIFE. IT'S TOO SOON. I DON'T KNOW.

I KIND OF LIKE GETTING IT ALL OUT THERE RIGHT AWAY.

JUST BREAK OUT THE TOYS, STRIP IT DOWN AND SHACKLE IT UP. EASY, DUNGEON MASTER.

YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON BY THEIR SAFE WORD.

JANE, HE'S GOTTA SEE ALL OF THIS SOMETIME, RIGHT? (Annie) MOM, WE NEED PAPER TOWELS!

THE DOG THREW UP. NEVER MIND. HE'S EATING IT.

STOP YELLING! YOU'LL WAKE THE BABY!

SEE? I'M AFRAID ALL THIS CRAZY IS GONNA DRIVE HIM AWAY.

I HAVE BEEN HOLDING IN MY FARTS FOR THREE WEEKS.

I CAN'T LET ALL THAT HARD WORK GO TO WASTE.

OKAY, THAT-- THAT CAN'T BE HEALTHY.

UM, BUT LISTEN, JANE, IF HE CAN'T ACCEPT THIS,

YOU KNOW, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE WITH HIM, RIGHT? I GUESS SO.

IF HE REALLY LOVES YOU, YOUR BRATTY KIDS

AND YOUR GROSS HOUSE AREN'T GONNA MATTER.

AND IT'S REALLY NOT THAT BAD. MNH-MNH. IT'S NOT.

NO, IT'S PRETTY BAD. THERE DEFINITELY IS A SMELL.

I CAN'T REALLY PUT MY FINGER ON IT. (sniffs)

IS IT AN OLD MONKEY WEARING A DIRTY DIAPER? THAT'S EXACT--

IS IT? YES, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT-- YOU NAILED IT.

I PICKED IT OUT ON THE FIRST TRY. YEAH.

WELL, THAT RELATIONSHIP IS OVER. I KNOW. EVERY TIME I STOP FEELING SORRY FOR HER,

I GOTTA START ALL OVER. SO I GUESS IT'S JUST US FOR GIRLS' NIGHT NOW.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, MAKE OUT?

MAYBE WE SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE JANE WOULD NEVER GO.

MALE WHOREHOUSE? PARENTING CLASSES.

(scoffs) LOOK AT HER.

THERE SHE IS--GRETCHEN WITH HER AMAZING NEW MINIVAN.

MAN, EVERYTHING IS BETTER OVER THERE.

THE LAWN IS NICER, KIDS ARE MORE MUSCULAR,

AND NOW HER CAR IS WAY BETTER, TOO.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A BIG VEIN RIGHT THERE. DO I?

YEAH. WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE?

YOU GOT A MINIVAN. (sighs) NOT LIKE THIS ONE. SHE'S GONE TOTALLY AFTERMARKET.

SHE ADDED A MINI TV IN EVERY HEADREST

WITH A MINI GAME CONSOLE AND A MINI MINI FRIDGE.

THE KIDS TOOK ONE RIDE IN IT,

AND NOW THEY JUST WANT TO CARPOOL WITH GRETCHEN.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I NEVER EVEN GOT TO CARPOOL WITH SYD. YOU DROVE A MOTORCYCLE.

OH, YOU SOUND JUST LIKE THOSE MOMS--

"OH, IT'S NOT STREET-LEGAL! IT DOESN'T HAVE A SEAT BELT.

THE KIDS KEEP FALLING OFF." WHAT A BUNCH OF DORKS.

WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? UH, WE JUST-- WE'RE GOING FOR A WALK.

WE'RE GONNA SEE GRETCHEN'S MINIVAN.

WHEN I GROW UP, I'M GONNA MARRY IT.

OKAY, LET'S GO.

YEAH, YOU'RE SCREWED.

(scoffs) YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I LOVED CARPOOL--

YOU KNOW, 23 MINUTES OF SEAT BELT-ENFORCED DETENTION

WHERE I COULD MOLD THE MINDS OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD CHILDREN

WITH MY MUSIC, MY POLITICS AND MY MORAL CERTAINTY.

YOU CAN'T BUY THAT KIND OF POWER.

EMILY, IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO STOP WHINING

AND DEAL WITH GRETCHEN.

IT IS TIME FOR REVENGE.

REVEN--NO. I DON'T DO REVENGE.

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS WHY YOU WILL NEVER WIN.

IT IS WHY GRETCHEN STOLE YOUR POSITION ON THE SCHOOL BOARD.

IT'S WHY SHE CONVINCED EVERYONE YOU WEAR A WIG,

AND IT IS WHY SHE WILL CONTINUE TO WALK ALL OVER YOU.

YEAH. WITH HER STUPID SHOES AND HER STUPID FEET! YEAH!

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE RIGHT! LET'S DO THIS!

EASY, BIG FELLA. LET'S JUST RELAX IT RIGHT HERE. (whiny voice) OH, GOD. I CAN'T.

LET'S SPREAD IT OUT. I CAN'T.

(rings doorbell)

(Jane) COMING!

OH, HELLO, SHEP. HEY.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FAMILY.

(harp music plays)

THIS IS ANNIE AND BABY SOPHIE, AND THAT'S MY MANNY HORATIO.

(Shep) HELLO. IT'S NICE TO FINALLY MEET ALL OF YOU. (electronic beep)

I'VE BEEN REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. HOW DO YOU DO?

CHARMED. (cries softly)

YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY AND MANNY.

AREN'T THEY, THOUGH? OKAY, WELL, THIS HAS BEEN NICE.

SHALL WE GO? SURE. UH, BEFORE WE GO, DO YOU MIND IF I USE YOUR BATHROOM?

OH. OH!

WELL, UM, GEE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT TREE RIGHT THERE? WE CALL THAT THE PEE TREE.

TAKE A PEE AND MAKE A WISH. OR I COULD JUST GO AT THE RESTAURANT.

YOUR LOSS. (dog whimpering)

OH! DO YOU HAVE A DOG? NO.

(barking) HEY, WHO'S THIS? WOW. LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY

BROUGHT THE CAGE WITH THEM, HUH? YEAH.

OH, HE'S GOT MY KEYS. WAFFLES, NO!

WAFFLES! WAFFLES! WAFFLES! NO!

CAN I REALLY PEE ON THAT TREE?

(Sophie crying, Waffles barking)

I'M SO SORRY, SHEP.

I WASN'T TRYING TO HIDE ANYTHING FROM YOU

EXCEPT, YOU KNOW, THE TRUTH. WELL, IT'S OKAY.

NO, IT'S THIS HOUSE, MY FAMILY--

THEY ARE JUST NOT READY TO MEET A BOYFRIEND.

I THOUGHT I WOULD GRADUALLY EASE YOU IN TO THE CHAOS OF MY LIFE.

WELL, TO BE HONEST,

IT WAS A LITTLE STEPFORDY WHEN I GOT HERE.

YOUR BABY'S WEARING LIPSTICK. YEAH.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW I'D BE SO OVERWHELMED AS A SINGLE MOM. SURE.

I KNOW I HAVE HORATIO TO WATCH THE KIDS, BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH.

LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

I MEAN, I HAVE HAD THIS TO-DO LIST UP SINCE FOREVER.

"TAPE LAST EPISODE OF 'FRIENDS.'"

OH, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE. GREAT CLOSURE FOR PHOEBE.

"SHAVE MY LEGS." I ACTUALLY DID THAT ONE BEFORE YOU GOT HERE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I APPRECIATE THAT. WOW. YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T HAVE A MINUTE TO YOURSELF, RIGHT? (Sophie crying)

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST STAY IN TONIGHT AND RELAX?

ARE YOU KIDDING? OH, MY GOD, THAT WOULD BE SO GOOD.

(shoe clunks) ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T MIND STAYING HERE?

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT AT ALL, NO.

I COME FROM A BIG FAMILY, SO I ENJOY THE CHAOS.

SO WHY DON'T YOU POUR YOURSELF A GLASS OF WINE,

AND I WILL MAKE YOU A DELICIOUS DINNER? REALLY?

I HAPPEN TO BE A VERY GOOD COOK. SO I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU

MY SPECIAL... YOGURT, OLIVES

AND AMERICAN CHEESE SINGLES CASSEROLE.

IT'S RINGING. (laughs) SHH! SHH!

YEAH. YES, HELLO, I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER SOME PIZZAS.

IT'S FOR ME--GRETCHEN. (laughing) SHH!

(deepens voice) GRETCHEN, HONEY, COME TO BED!

SHH! STOP IT!

YES, OKAY. HOW ABOUT TWO LARGE CHEESE PIZZAS?

OH, NO, WAIT--CHEESELESS. (whispers) SHE'S VEGAN.

WHAT? THAT'S NOT-- OKAY, LET ME GET YOU MY CREDIT CARD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I GET MILES.

WHAT? GIMME-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? (beep)

TWO PIZZAS? THAT'S NOT EVEN MEAN.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ORDER, LIKE, 15. OH, BUT THAT WOULD BE EXPENSIVE.

THAT'S THE POINT! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR, LIKE, 15 PIZZAS.

OH.

YOU JUST ALMOST SENT A REALLY YUMMY, FREE, VEGAN PIZZA DINNER

RIGHT TO HER FRONT DOOR. OKAY, LET ME TRY IT AGAIN, AND THIS TIME, LET'S DO THAI.

(beeping) I SAW SHE ORDERED IT LAST NIGHT, SO SHE'S GONNA BE LIKE,

"OH, NOT AGAIN!" (laughs) ARE YOU MENTAL?

(beep) THIS IS GONNA BE A LOT MORE WORK THAN I THOUGHT.

MOM!

MOM! MOMMY!

WHAT?

MOM, I REALLY NEED HELP WITH MY HOMEWORK.

I SUCK AT FRENCH.

(lawnmower whirring)

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?

SHEP?

HEY. GOOD MORNING. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WAS JUST TAKING CARE OF ONE OF THE THINGS ON YOUR TO-DO LIST. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT I WANTED TO.

YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS ALL THE TIME,

BUT NOBODY TAKES CARE OF YOU. SO TODAY IS OFFICIALLY JANE DAY.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, THAT MEANS THAT I'M GOING TO TAKE CARE

OF A FEW THINGS HERE, AND YOU'RE GONNA GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. THAT IS SO THOUGHTFUL, BUT I COULDN'T.

I NEED TO DO SOME DUSTING IN THE LIVING ROOM, AND I'VE GOT

A BIG STACK OF BILLS. THANK YOU FOR THIS, BUT I...

(exhales) I JUST CAN'T. (Annie) MOM, SOPHIE JUST DROOLED IN MY CEREAL,

AND I ATE IT! NOW I'M GONNA THROW UP!

THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF THE CORRECT WAY TO GET REVENGE.

OKAY. THIS HOUSE RIGHT HERE BELONGS TO A MAN

WHO CUT ME OFF ON THE FREEWAY LAST WEEK. OH, MY GOD! IS THAT HIS CAR?

NO, THAT'S HIS MISTRESS' CAR.

I WANT TO LEARN.

SO IT--IT'S MY MOVE, RIGHT? YES, YEAH.

OKAY. UM, CAN I GO HERE? YEAH, YOU CAN, BUT I'LL TAKE THIS.

(Horatio) OH! OH! (laughs)

(Annie) OH, THAT'S NOT FUNNY. WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

(Annie) OKAY. IS IT-- IS IT RIGHT HERE?

(gasps)

(Shep) I GOT YOU. (Horatio) HO!

OKAY, OKAY. HEY.

(Shep) HEY. HOW WAS IT? I HAD THE BEST DAY. I SAW A MOVIE.

I ACTUALLY YELLED AT THIS WOMAN WHOSE KIDS WERE BEING LOUD.

I WAS LIKE, "KEEP THOSE KIDS QUIET!

I'M TRYING TO WATCH THIS MOVIE!" IT WAS SO FUN. (laughs)

AH. WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

OH, WELL, I FOUND THIS CHESSBOARD IN THE OVEN

WHEN I WAS CLEANING UP, SO I'M TEACHING ANNIE

HOW TO PLAY A LITTLE CHESS. AH, COMPLICATED CHECKERS. NEVER MY GAME.

IT'S TOO BAD YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY IT,

BECAUSE CHESS IS SO MUCH FUN. WELL, THE FIFTH CENTURY CHINESE THOUGHT SO. (laughs)

(laughs) WELL, IT'S NICE TO SEE EVERYONE'S HAVING FUN.

AND LOOK AT THIS--SO CLEAN.

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS MADE OF WOOD. YEAH, AND HE DID IT SO FAST.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE HOUSE LOOK LIKE THIS.

NOT A PROBLEM, AND IT WASN'T THAT BAD,

EXCEPT FOR YOUR BATHROOM.

DID YOU KNOW YOUR SINK JUST EMPTIED INTO A BUCKET? OH, YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS DINNER THAT SHEP MADE. IT'S INCREDIBLE.

(Annie) MOM, AMAZING. THEY'RE EXAGGERATING. ALL I DID WAS I WHIPPED TOGETHER

A LITTLE COD BAKED IN FOIL

WITH SOME FENNEL AND SOME SHALLOTS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE LAST TWO THINGS ARE,

BUT IT WAS LIKE THAT COD THREW A BIRTHDAY PARTY IN MY MOUTH. (all laugh)

AND MY MOUTH WAS SURPRISED.

WOW. SOUNDS LIKE THINGS WERE PERFECT WHILE I WAS GONE.

IS THERE A WORD FOR MORE THAN PERFECT?

I MEAN, MAYBE WE NEED TO MAKE ONE UP, LIKE, UH,

"ULTIMO PERFECTRON." THAT'S WHAT TODAY WAS. (Shep) OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE. THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. ULTIMO PERFECTRON!

UH, YEAH, LET'S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY.

I MEAN, SOPHIE'S STILL AWAKE.

IT IS, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES PAST HER BEDTIME.

THANK GOD I GOT HERE WHEN I DID. COME HERE, YOU.

LET MOMMY PUT YOU TO BED. (crying)

OH. SEE? NOW SHE'S CRANKY.

OHH. HERE. HERE, LET ME GIVE IT A SHOT.

WELL, I DON'T REALLY... COME HERE. COME ON.

UP, UP, UP, UP. ARE YOU CRANKY? OH, THERE YOU GO. (stops crying)

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL JUST DO IT, OKAY?

(singsong voice) WE'RE GOING TO GO TO SLEEP.

(Sophie giggles)

GOOD MORNING.

MORNING, MOM. HEY, GOOD MORNING.

HEY, GOOD MORNING.

HEY. SHEP. WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?

OH, I, UH, I CAME BY TO CLEAN OUT YOUR GUTTERS,

AND THEN I FIGURED I'D MAKE EVERYBODY SOME BREAKFAST.

AND WE TRIED TO KEEP OUR VOICES DOWN SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO YELL,

(imitating Jane) "CAN EVERYBODY PLEASE BE QUIET?" (laughs) DEAD-ON IMPRESSION, SHEP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ON THE WEEKEND? OH, I'M NOT GONNA MISS SHEP'S FAMOUS FRITTATA.

OH, IT'S NOT FAMOUS. IT SHOULD BE.

WELL, I HAVE SOME BIG PLANS FOR EVERYONE.

I THOUGHT WE'D GO ON A PICNIC!

SHEP, YOU'RE WELCOME TO COME. OH, THAT'S A WONDERFUL IDEA,

BUT I HAVE BOOKED YOU A MASSAGE AT THE SPA.

JANE DAY HAS TURNED INTO JANE WEEKEND.

WELL, THAT IS SO NICE OF YOU, SHEP, BUT I HONESTLY--

I FEEL LIKE I'M MISSING OUT ON ALL THE FAMILY FUN.

SO I THINK I'LL JUST HANG OUT HERE WITH YOU GUYS,

AND I PROMISE I'LL SAY, "EVERYBODY, PLEASE BE QUIET!"

YOU KNOW, I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD GO,

BECAUSE NOBODY'S GONNA BE HERE. OH.

I-I KNOW THAT ANNIE'S, UM-- YEAH, I'M GOING TO ALICIA'S.

(Jane) OH. SOPHIE--I'M TAKING HER TO BABY YOGA.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE VERY FLEXIBLE AT THIS AGE

'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY BONES. RIGHT, AND--AND I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS AND FIX THE SINK,

SO, UH, WE'RE ALL REALLY BUSY. SO HAVE A GREAT JANE WEEKEND. BYE, MOMMY.

THANK YOU, AND I'LL BE AT THE SPA IF ANYBODY NEEDS ME.

(Annie) ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS. READY? BRING IT IN. BRING IT IN. BRING IT IN.

ONE, TWO, THREE. GO, MORTONS! AND SHEP!

YEAH! WHOO!

ALL RIGHT! HEY, HEY, WHO WANTS SOME BREAKFAST DESSERT?

(Annie) OH, ME. I MADE SOME.

THIS IS MY WILDING BOX.

GRETCHEN'S MINIVAN IS YOUR CANVAS.

THESE ARE YOUR PAINTS.

THIS IS SO EXCITING.

WE ARE GONNA RUIN THAT GRETCHEN'S DAY.

YES, WE ARE. NOW GET OUT THERE AND MAKE GRETCHEN PAY

FOR HAVING A CARPOOL THAT MAKES KIDS HAPPY. GO ON.

NO.

MAYBE LATER. MNH-MNH.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO DO IT LATER. PROBABLY NOT.

(static) OKAY, EYES ON ME!

I don't know what those mean. COME ON. EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS.

I... OH.

KNOW WHAT? I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS.

I'M JUST GONNA DO IT-- I'LL DO IT TOMORROW. OPRAH. POWER OF NOW.

ALL RIGHT, FINE. (grunts)

OH.

THEY SHOULD REALLY FIX THIS. Not a priority.

LET'S FOCUS.

(pants)

I'M IN.

OPEN YOUR BOX!

OKAY, WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

I'M NOT USING THIS.

(static) OH, SORRY. THAT'S ACTUALLY FOR THE BEDROOM.

WHAT IS THIS?

(hisses)

(whispers) A SNAKE? WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

CAREFUL. HE'S A LITTLE DEHYDRATED.

(door closes) (normal voice, gasps) WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED.

BUG OUT!

Hey, nice time-waster.

I THINK I JUST TINKLED A LITTLE. COPY THAT.

I THINK MY FAMILY LIKES SHEP MORE THAN ME.

YEAH? SCREW THEM.

ROSEMARY, THAT'S MY FAMILY. Oh, right.

WELL, DIDN'T YOU WANT THEM TO LIKE SHEP?

A little, but I didn't want them to be in like with him.

ANNIE TALKS ABOUT HOW COOL HE IS,

AND SOPHIE GIGGLES AT HIM, AND HORATIO SAYS THE HOUSE

has never been more pleasant.

YEAH, IT IS REALLY NICE IN HERE.

ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE? MNH-MNH.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR. I HAVE TO BE THE CRABBY MOM,

AND HE GETS TO HAVE ALL THE FUN AND SMOKE SALMON

and play Pictionary. WHY DON'T YOU PLAY PICTIONARY?

'CAUSE ALL MY DRAWINGS LOOK LIKE SOME VERSION OF A HOT DOG.

And surprise, surprise, all his drawings are perfect.

WOW. I'm telling you, they'd rather be with him.

My new boyfriend has replaced me.

NO, NO. YOU'RE PARANOID.

OH, AM I? AM I?

THEY ALL SAID THEY WERE BUSY TODAY,

AND THEN THEY LEFT WITHOUT ME, BUT I FOLLOWED 'EM.

AND GUESS WHAT?

THEY'RE ALL HANGING OUT LIKE ONE BIG, HAPPY, MOMLESS FAMILY.

You followed them?

I LIKE WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU SISTERS THESE DAYS.

COLOR ME BETRAYED.

(beep)

OH, REALLY!

YOU ALL HAD THINGS TO DO TODAY. JANE.

(Annie) MOM? I GET IT. I GET IT. OKAY?

I AM NOT THE MOST FUN MOM IN THE WORLD,

AND I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF SPARE TIME TO DO STUFF.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU GUYS HAVE TO GET TOGETHER

AND HANG OUT BEHIND MY BACK. JANE, THAT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE DOING.

OH, REALLY? OH, REALLY? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET ANNIE

TO COME HERE FOR TWO YEARS, OKAY?

WHO WANTS TO COME HERE WITH THEIR BORING OLD MOM WHEN THEY

CAN COME HERE WITH SHEP. WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT SHEP?

(Muzak playing)

OHH. YOU'VE BEEN MAKING SOMETHING FOR ME, HAVEN'T YOU?

UGH.

(sighs) I AM SUCH A JACKAPPLE.

(honks horn)

STOP HONKING! IT'S NOT MY BUMPER STICKER!

(both laugh)

(honks horn) I'M NOT HORNY!

(both laughing)

OKAY. I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU, EMILY.

THE BUMPER STICKER WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN MY FIRST CHOICE,

BUT I GOTTA SAY, IT WAS SIMPLE, ELEGANT.

IT WAS CLASSY. I GUESS IN A LOT OF WAYS,

YOU HAVE THINGS TO TEACH ME, TOO.

GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT

THE STUDENT HAS BECOME THE TEACHER. NO, YOU COULDN'T.

OKAY, MAYBE NOT. (doorbell ringing)

(Gretchen) EMILY, OPEN THE DOOR! (whispers) OH! GRETCHEN'S ON TO US! WE'RE NOT HERE.

I'M NOT HORNY, EMILY, AND I KNOW WHAT YOU DID! (knocking on door)

AND I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! OPEN THE DOOR! (doorbell ringing)

(doorbell stops ringing)

(sighs)

OH!

OH, MY GOD.

HI!

WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

I HAVE GOT NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. OH, REALLY?

BECAUSE MY MINIVAN MINICAM CAUGHT EVERYTHING YOU DID...

IN H.D.

DAMN THAT VAN!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IT WAS JUST A HARMLESS JOKE, OKAY?

HARMLESS? I WAS A SEX ADDICT, OKAY?

OH, MY GOD.

THREE YEARS CLEAN.

OH, GRETCHEN, I AM SO SORRY.

I HAD NO IDEA.

I JUST... I JUST...

LISTEN, I JUST PLAYED THAT STUPID PRANK ON YOU

BECAUSE, WELL, BECAUSE...

(lowers voice) I'M JEALOUS OF YOU.

WHAT? WHAT'S THAT? (normal voice) I'M JEALOUS OF YOU, OKAY?

REALLY?

WHY? I'M ALWAYS JUST TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH YOU.

REALLY? (grunts)

I GUESS IT MAKES SENSE.

I MEAN, IF I WASN'T ME,

I'D... I'D PROBABLY BE JEALOUS OF ME, TOO.

DON'T YOU JERKS SEE THAT YOU'RE

PLAYING FOR THE SAME INCREDIBLY ANNOYING TEAM?

FROM UP HERE, I CAN'T EVEN REALLY TELL YOU APART.

(scoffs) OKAY.

INSTEAD OF FIGHTING, YOU NEED TO COMBINE YOUR FORCES

AND BECOME SOME KIND OF HIDEOUS,

HOLIER-THAN-THOU MOMMY MONSTER.

OH, WHY DID I HAVE TO SAY IT?

YOU KNOW...

IF WE WERE TO

I DON'T KNOW, JOIN FORCES...

I'M LISTENING.

WE COULD SHAME THE NEIGHBORHOOD INTO BEING MORE LIKE US.

OOH, YOU KNOW WHAT WE COULD DO? WHAT?

YOU KNOW THAT HORRIBLE HEDGE

THAT'S IN FRONT OF THE FIORE HOUSE? HATE THAT HEDGE!

WE COULD JUST GET RID OF IT. YOU KNOW, I HAVE WRITTEN THAT MEAN OLD MAN

COUNTLESS LETTERS ASKING HIM TO MANICURE IT, AND YET NOT A WORD. OH! ME, TOO, EXCEPT I SENT E-MAILS.

WE'RE A PAPERLESS HOUSEHOLD. GIRLS, I COULD HELP YOU WITH THAT HEDGE.

I AM SO SORRY, SHEP.

I GUESS I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A "AM I A FUN MOM?" COMPLEX,

AND THEN WHEN I SAW YOU AND THE KIDS HAVING A BLAST

WITHOUT ME, IT JUST-- I DON'T KNOW.

I HAD A REACTION. YOU MEAN YOU BARGED INTO A CHILDREN'S POTTERY STUDIO

LIKE A CRAZED METH ADDICT. PRETTY ACCURATE.

YEAH. LOOK, JANE, I UNDERSTAND.

YOU--YOU WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY,

AND I GET IT. THEY'RE--THEY'RE FANTASTIC. THEY ARE GREAT.

I THINK THAT'S WHY I NEVER GET TO ANYTHING ON MY TO-DO LIST--

'CAUSE THEY'RE JUST TOO IMPORTANT.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO EXCLUDE YOU.

I-I GUESS I JUST WANTED TO CHARM THEM PRETTY HARD

BECAUSE... I LIKE YOU.

SO I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I WILL TRY TO BE LESS CHARMING.

THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.

NOW THAT WASN'T TOO CHARMING, WAS IT?

THIS IS SO EXCITING. YOU KNOW, IT FEELS RIGHT--

TWO RIVALS UNITING AGAINST A COMMON ENEMY.

OH, I FEEL SO FREE, SO LIBERATED,

SO... SEXUAL.

YOU KNOW, IN A HORRIBLE WAY, I KIND OF WANT TO SEE

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT HERE, BUT WE GOTTA BOUNCE.