Original subtitles

YOU DON'T KNOW?

YOU KNOW THERE IS A CONTRACT OUT ON ME.

YOU KNOW IT'S-A TO HAPPEN TOMORROW.

YOU KNOW HE'S-A COME FROM LONDON.

YOU KNOW THESE-A THINGS, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HIS-A NAME.

UH--

TELL ME HIS NAME!

HE DOESN'T KNOW.

WE GOTTA BE ALERT. KEEP-A YOUR EYES PEELED.

GET-A THAT LITTLE SHIT BEFORE HE GETS ME.

OKAY.

WELCOME TO FLIGHT 122 FROM LONDON HEATHROW TO VENICE MARCO POLO.

[ Stewardess ] IF FOR ANY REASON THE AIR SUPPLY FAILS,

OXYGEN WILL BE PROVIDED. OH!

MASKS LIKE THIS WILL APPEAR AUTOMATICALLY.

YOU NOT A FLIER? NO, NO.

READ, THAT'S THE BEST THING. ISN'T THIS IMPORTANT?

DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU'RE PLUMMETING INTO THE ALPS AT 500 MILES AN HOUR,

YOU'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO REMEMBER ANY OF THIS?

TO INFLATE, PULL THE RED TOGGLE.

BUYING PROPERTY? UH, YES. YES.

IT'S MY BOSS. I'M JUST SUPERVISING THE PURCHASE.

WELL, LET'S HOPE WE GET THERE, EH?

[ Engine Roaring ]

Signorina, telefono.

[ Ringing ]

HELLO, VENI VILLAS, CAROLINE WRIGHT SPEAKING.

[ Woman ] Buon giorno, CAROLINA. Signor MARCO.

[ Man ] Ciao, CAROLINA. Signor MARCO!

IS THE WORK FINISHED? YES, THEY'RE JUST FINISHING NOW.

HAVE THEY MANAGED TO HIDE EVERYTHING? IT LOOKS FINE... ON THE SURFACE.

FOUND ANY FOOLS YET? YES, A MR. ORTON FROM ENGLAND.

HE'S LOOKING TOMORROW MORNING.

30% IF YOU CAN GET CASH BY WEDNESDAY. I'M SORRY.

YOU HEARD ME. THERE'S 30% COMMISSION FOR YOU.

IF I SELL THIS PLACE BY WEDNESDAY FOR CASH,

YOU'LL TRIPLE MY COMMISSION?

THE MOST WE COULD GET FOR THAT HEAP OF RUBBLE IS 60 THOUSAND POUNDS.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THAT? WELL, YES. I'M SURE.

YOU'VE SCREWED PEOPLE BEFORE, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN, CAN'T YOU?

[ Airplane Engine ] THE ENGLISH WILL BUY ANYTHING!

YES.

THAT'S THE SORT OF THING THAT SEEMS TO BE A SORT OF OLD FOGEY'S LONELY HEARTS.

A SORT OF CLUB 58-70.

IT'S GOOD VALUE, MIND YOU.

YOU GET YOUR FLIGHTS, MEAL VOUCHERS,

FIVE NIGHTS IN VENICE AT THE HOTEL GABRIELLI...

AND THEY THROW IN A WOMAN TO BOOT!

OF COURSE YOU'VE NO IDEA WHO SHE IS 'TIL YOU GET THERE.

SORT OF "LUCKY BAG."

SAME AGAIN, SIR. JUST A LARGE ONE. THANK YOU, DARLING.

SO, YES, MARVELOUS. IT'S ALL DONE BY COMPUTERS.

"MEDI-DATE" THEY'RE CALLED, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.

OKAY. HOTEL METROPOLE.

THAT'S THE ONE. Grazie.

THERE YOU ARE, Signore HORTON.

WE HOPE-A YOU ENJOY VENICE. THANK YOU.

I'M SURE I WILL. [ Bell Ring ]

Comandi?

I... I... YOU STAY.

Comandi?

2-3-5.

Subito.

Mamma mia, HE'S GOT SO MANY SUITCASES.

I HAVE A RES-ER-VA-TION HERE.

COULD I HAVE-A YOUR NAME? YES, CERTAINLY.

IT'S MELVIN ORTON. IS SOMETHING WRONG?

WE HAVE JUST-A WELCOMED ANOTHER GENTLEMAN,

ANOTHER MR. ORTON.

THAT'S HORTON WITH AN "H." I'M ORTON. O-R-T-O-N.

OH, si, si. NO PROBLEM THEN.

[ Bell Ring ] Comandi?

Scusi, sono occupato.

Non ho mica cento mani. Sono solo--

Signore ORTON? ORTON? HORTON.

THAT'S ME.

OH!

I ENVELOP YOU.

I'M SORRY.

I... YES.

ENVELOP YOU. ENVELOPE!

ENVELOPE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY KIND, SIR.

MISS CAROLINE WRIGHT.

MISS WRIGHT, EH?

[ Ring ] Comandi.

GOOD EVENING, 'OW CAN I HELP YOU?

I NEED TO DELIVER THIS BY HAND TO MIKE LAWTON.

WHAT ROOM IS HE IN?

MICHAEL ORTON?

MIKE LAWTON, YEAH.

JUST ONE MOMENT.

MICHAEL ORTON. M-M-MICHAEL ORTON.

ROOM 3-1-0.

HELLO, IS THIS VENI VILLAS? Si, signore.

YOUR OFFICE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SENDING OVER...

SOME DETAILS OF A PARTICULAR PROPERTY.

THE GABRIELLI, ROOM 3-1-0. Ah, si!

Signor ORTON? YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY ARE COMING. OH, TERRIFIC.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Grazie.

[ Ring ]

I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE AN ENVELOPE DELIVERED TO MY ROOM.

IT DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE ARRIVED. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

Si, signore, WHAT NAME? MIKE LAWTON.

M-M-MIKE LAWTON. MIKE LAWTON, YEAH.

MICHAEL HORTON!

YEAH. WELCOME.

"MEDI-DATE."

I LIKE IT.

A WOMAN.

RUBY, IT'S MELVYN HERE. MR. MARSHALL'S OFFICE PLEASE.

MELVYN WHO? MELVYN ORTON.

SORRY? ORTON. O-R--

I'LL SEE IF HE'S FREE.

"BETTINO SCARPA WILL BE AT THE ENCLOSED ADDRESS ALL DAY TOMORROW.

CHOOSE YOUR OWN TIME. GOOD LUCK."

MARSHALL.

MR. MARSHALL, SIR. IT'S MELVYN HERE.

MELVYN WHO? ORTON. IN VENICE.

AH, RIGHT. YOU. WHAT'S IT LIKE? IT IS BEAUTIFUL HERE.

IT'S WARM, BUT NOT TOO WARM.

THE VILLA, YOU DICKHEAD. WHAT'S THE VILLA LIKE?

I'VE ONLY JUST GOT HERE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN IT, BUT I DO HAVE SOME PARTICULARS. FOR CHRIST SAKE!

I'VE GOT SERIOUS MONEY TO OFF-LOAD.

STOP FARTING AROUND WITH FRIGGING PICTURES.

LOOK AT THE BLOODY THING. I WANT NEWS, NOT WEATHER.

CALL ME WHEN YOU'VE GOT NEWS AND NOT BEFORE.

I'VE WARNED YOU. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT.

JUST DO IT, WILL YOU, ASSHOLE!

[ Dial Tone ] THANK YOU, SIR.

[ TV: Speaking Italian ]

[ Chuckle ] OH!

[ TV ] I'M GONNA ASK ONE MORE TIME. WHERE IS DOMINO?

OH! GOD.

GOOD LORD. AAH!

[ Snoring ]

[ Snort ]

AHEM.

HELLO. MR. ORTON?

YES. I'M LOOKING FOR MISS CAROLINE WRIGHT.

YES. I'M CAROLINE WRIGHT.

I'LL COME DOWN.

[ Squawk ]

I HADN'T REALIZED YOU'D BE OUT ON AN ISLAND.

WELL, YES, THAT'S THE ONLY DRAWBACK.

BUT IT IS A PLEASANT DRAWBACK.

HAVING YOUR OWN BOAT'S THE ANSWER.

IT'S A BIT OF A DREAM OF MINE, THAT...

MY VERY OWN SPEEDBOAT.

IT IS... MISS CAROLINE WRIGHT?

YES.

- FROM THE AGENCY? - YES!

I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO BE QUITE SO... YOUNG.

THANK YOU, MR. ORTON,

BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY LESS CAPABLE.

I DON'T DOUBT THAT.

IT'S HORTON, BY THE WAY. HORTON WITH AN "H."

OH. SORRY.

SO, ANYWAY... THIS IS THE GARDEN.

AS YOU CAN SEE IT'S... IT'S A LOVELY VIEW, ISN'T IT?

WOULD YOU PREFER TO START INSIDE?

RIGHT, MELVYN. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.

GET IT RIGHT.

[ Scarpa ] BANG... ON TIME.

MAYBE I SHOULD-A SAY...

DEAD ON TIME.

COME ON! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

DON'T GO SOFT.

ONE, TWO, THREE, PULL.

ONE... TWO...

THREE--

[ Clang ]

[ Clang ]

[ Clang ]

[ Clang ]

[ Clang ]

[ Clang ]

[ Clang ]

[ Clang ]

IT'S NOT FOR SALE THEN?

YOU ARE ALMOST FUNNY, YOU KNOW THAT?

VERY NEARLY FUNNY!

HOUSE BUYING.

TALK TO ME ONE MORE TIME ABOUT HOUSE BUYING...

I'LL RIP-A YOUR FLABBY LITTLE FACE OFF, capisci?

YES! YES, YES.

IF-A FOR SOME STRANGE REASON...

YOU WANT-A KEEP YOUR FACE THE WAY SHE IS,

JUST TELL ME WHO SENT YOU?

MR. MARSHALL. MARSHALL.

WHO'S-A MARSHALL?

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, ACCOUNTS, MARSHALL, HALL AND THOMPSON.

THIS MARSHALL SHIT, WHY DOES HE WANT-A ME DEAD?

DEAD? I DON'T THINK HE DOES.

I'M SURE HE DOESN'T. HE'S JUST--

JUST WHAT?

JUST... HOUSE BUYING.

[ Scream ]

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

THE AGENCY PUT ME IN A HOTEL. YES, I KNOW.

IT IS OKAY, ISN'T IT? YES, IT'S GREAT.

BUT I'D RATHER BE SOMEWHERE LIKE THIS.

LET'S HOPE YOU WILL BE, MR. HORTON.

PLEASE... CALL ME MAURICE.

OH. ALL RIGHT. MAURICE.

[ Airplane Engine ]

UM, AHEM. SHALL WE GO UPSTAIRS?

THIS WAY.

YEAH.

ONE...

TWO...

FOUR.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

SO UM...

DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?

OH YES, YES. VERY MUCH SO.

I SUPPOSE WE REALLY OUGHT TO GET DOWN TO THE... NITTY-GRITTY.

- GOOD LORD. - I'M SORRY.

WELL, I MEAN...

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A BIT EARLY IN THE DAY FOR THAT SORT OF TALK?

WE'VE ONLY JUST MET.

I DON'T... I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I'M AN OLD FUDDY-DUDDY.

IT'S JUST, UH...

WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU YOUNG PEOPLE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

OH, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO RUSH YOU.

BUT AFTER ALL,

IT IS WHY WE'RE BOTH HERE. ISN'T IT?

YES, YES. ABSOLUTELY.

ABSOLUTELY.

IT'S JUST THAT... I THOUGHT WE COULD PERHAPS,

I DON'T KNOW...

GO AND... HAVE A MEAL FIRST.

AHEM. YOU KNOW, PAVE THE WAY.

BREAK THE ICE. HAVE A DRINK.

THERE'S OBVIOUSLY BEEN A TERRIBLE MISTAKE...

AND I CAN'T REALLY AFFORD A MISTAKE.

HE SAID THIS WAS MY LAST CHANCE.

WHO SAID? MR. MARSHALL.

"HERE'S AN AIR TICKET," HE SAYS. "GO TO VENICE.

"CHECK OUT THE VILLA AND BUY IT.

MESS THIS ONE UP AND YOU'RE OUT!" DON'T GIVE ME ANY SHIT!

YOUR BLOODY MR. MARSHALL, HE NO EXIST!

HE DOES!

IF HE EXISTS YOU CAN TELEPHONE HIM, NO?

YES, BUT HE'S A VERY BUSY MAN. HE DOESN'T LIKE ME RINGING--

[ Scream ]

ONE-TWO-THREE.

DOING A SPOT OF GARDENING?

CAN I JOIN YOU?

A BIT BACKWARD IN COMING FORWARD, AREN'T WE?

PATRICIA FULFORD... OF HUDDERSFIELD.

INTERESTS: MICKEY SPILLANE AND EATING.

SEEKS SIMILAR FUN LOVER.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ARE YOU JUST SHY? TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY SHY?

I'VE SEEN YOU BEFORE. BEEN FOLLOWING ME ALL DAY TRYING TO PLUCK THE COURAGE.

WELL, HERE I AM! I'M ALL YOURS.

IT DIDN'T SAY YOU WERE SHY IN YOUR FILE...

OR MUSICAL.

HUNTING AND SHOOTING, IT SAID.

LOOK... WOULD IT MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR YOU...

IF WE WERE JUST TO GO AND HAVE A STROLL OR SOMETHING?

MOST CLIENTS WOULD NEVER BOTHER WITH THIS SORT OF THING.

CLIENTS?

IT'S STRAIGHT IN THERE AS A RULE.

THAT SEEMS TO BE THE WAY THEY WANT TO DO THINGS NOWADAYS.

SOME OF THEM JUST WANT TO DO IT ON THE PHONE!

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. THAT'S THE MODERN WORLD FOR YOU.

YOU SOUND AS THOUGH YOU'RE NOT NEW TO THIS... GAME.

ME? OH NO! I'VE BEEN AT IT FOR YEARS.

ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL? LET'S GO IN HERE.

HERE. THIS'LL DO. YES.

WHAT FOR?

WHAT LINE OF WORK ARE YOU IN THEN? ME?

I'M A BANK MANAGER.

ARE YOU MARRIED? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. DIDN'T YOU SEE MY FILE?

YOUR FILE? YEAH. I'M A WIDOWER.

OH, I'M SORRY. IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

YES, UM.

SHE WAS A VERY GOOD WIFE, ROSEMARY.

TRAGIC REALLY.

CAMPING IN WALES.

SHE USED TO RUN A GIRL SCOUT GROUP, THAT SORT OF AFFAIR.

ONE NIGHT, NIPPED OUT OF HER TENT, ANSWER NATURE'S CALL.

TRIPPED OVER A GUY ROPE. TENT PEG...

OH MY GOD!

SO I HONESTLY BELIEVE...

IF SHE WAS LOOKING DOWN ON US NOW,

SHE WOULDN'T DISAPPROVE...

YOU KNOW, THIS SORT OF RIGAMAROLE.

AH, THAT'S NICE.

IT'S A SHAME SHE CAN'T BE HERE TO ENJOY IT WITH YOU.

YEAH.

MARSHALL. HELLO, HELLO, SIR. IT'S MELVYN HERE.

MELVYN WHO? ORTON, SIR. MELVYN ORTON.

IN VENICE LOOKING AT THE VILLA FOR YOU, SIR.

[ Marshall ] RIGHT, YOU. WHAT'S IT LIKE?

I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET, BUT I PHONED TO SAY THAT...

EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY UNDER CONTROL.

JESUS, ORTON, YOU DICKHEAD. DO YOU WANT THE SACK?

I TOLD YOU, YOU WORM, TO LOOK AT THE BLOODY THING.

RING ME WHEN YOU'VE SEEN IT AND NOT BLOODY BEFORE.

I'M A BUSY MAN AND YOU'RE A BLOODY PAIN IN THE ASS.

YOU SEE, HE KNOWS ME. HE KNOWS ME!

YOU ARE A WORM, AREN'T YOU? SORRY?

YOU JUST-A SIT THERE AND TAKE-A THAT SHIT?

WELL, HE'S MY BOSS.

HE'S INSULT-A YOU. AND YOU JUST-A SIT THERE.

IF ANYONE INSULT-A ME, I HAVE-A THEIR KNEES BLOWN OFF.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE YOUR...

FACILITIES.

YOU DON'T HAVE-A THE GUTS!

LIFE IS-A NO WORTH LIVING IF YOU...

LIVE LIKE A WORM.

I-I-I AM NOT A WORM, HONESTLY.

[ Patricia ] YOU TAKE THAT EVERYWHERE? JUST ABOUT.

I'D LOVE TO HEAR YOU PLAY SOMETIME.

I'LL PLAY IT FOR YOU NOW.

ANY REQUESTS?

OH GOSH! I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT ABOUT... "STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT"?

OR "FEELINGS"?

♪ FEELINGS ♪

♪ NOTHING MORE THAN FEELINGS ♪

♪ TRYING TO FORGET MY ♪

[ Scream ]

OH GOD.

OH MY GOD. OHHH!

YOU KNOW WHAT-A THESE ARE FOR, HUH?

OH GOD.

HOW YOU SAY IN ENGLISH? HOW YOU SAY!

[ Scream ]

GOD! TESTICLES. TESTICLES, TESTICLES.

PLEASE. I AM NOT AN ASSASSIN.

THEY MADE A MISTAKE SOMEWHERE.

OH, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT!

WAIT, THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT!

HORTON! THERE'S A MR. HORTON AT MY HOTEL.

WHAT ARE YOU?

ORTON... WITH NO "H."

ORTON WITH-A NO BALLS IF YOU LIE TO ME. YOU KNOW THAT.

THEY'RE WELL OUT THIS TIME, AREN'T THEY?

FIND A PERFECT PARTNER, WHAT DO I GET? CHARLES BLOODY BRONSON.

MEDI-DATE? THEY WANT LOCKING UP.

MEDI-DATE? MEDI-DATE EXISTS? OF COURSE THEY EXIST.

THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE. OF COURSE THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE.

YOU'RE POINTING A GUN AT ME, MAURICE. MAURICE?

THAT'S-A ONE OF MINE.

YOU SHOULD-A SEE HIS ALBUM.

THERE IS STILL A CHANCE-A FOR YOU TO BE IN IT.

YUCK, THIS IS HORRIBLE. COME ON.

BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?

ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. YES IT IS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU SAID YOURSELF YOU WANTED TO TAKE THINGS FURTHER.

- YES, BUT? - YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.

JUST ME BEING IMPATIENT.

YES, EVERYTHING'S SO... SO BEAUTIFUL.

VENICE, THE GRAND CANAL, YOUR NECK.

JESUS CHRIST!

JUST DROP ME OFF, WILL YOU? OVER HERE, QUICKLY.

OKAY, WHICH HOTEL ARE YOU IN? UM...

IT'S OVER THERE.

YOU LITTLE SHIT!

GIANNI, ROSSI, PULL HIM OUT.

[ Scarpa ] BE CAREFUL, HE-A GOT MY SUIT WET.

THAT-A LITTLE SHIT, HE'S-A GET AWAY.

NO! PUT AWAY THE GUN.

COME ON!

CAROLINE, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?

ONE MINUTE YOU WANT US "TO DO THE BUSINESS" AS YOU PUT IT.

OF COURSE! I WANT TRIPLE COMMISSION FOR THIS ONE.

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. DO YOU WANT IT OR NOT?

YES, OBVIOUSLY!

- YOU'LL BE ABLE TO PAY CASH? - PAY?

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT UNLESS YOU PAY CASH.

I'VE NEVER HAD TO--

OH... ALL RIGHT!

IT BETTER BE PRETTY SPECIAL HANKY-PANKY...

IF YOU WANT ME TO PAY FOR IT. HANKY-PANKY?

NO, NO, NO. HANG ON A MINUTE.

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS,

YOU'RE ONLY GONNA PAY CASH IF I HAVE SEX WITH YOU?

YES.

OH!

YOU LECHERS MAKE ME PUKE!

AAAH, HELP!

HE'S DOWN THERE.

HE MUST'VE GONE THIS WAY! GEEZ!

THERE!

GET HIM!

IT'S ALL RIGHT, REALLY. THANK YOU.

NOW WE'VE SORTED OUT THE MUDDLE AND YOU'RE NOT MAURICE HORTON,

I CAN MANAGE BY MYSELF. HONESTLY. SHUT UP.

IT'S EASY. YOU'VE GOT HIS INFORMATION AND HE'S GOT YOURS.

I'LL BE SEEING HIM. I'LL GET HIM TO GIVE IT TO YOU. SHUT UP, OR I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU!

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.

[ Panting, Whimpering ]

I'D LIKE TO CHECK OUT. NOW, SIR? YOU RESERVE A WEEK.

ARE YOU SURE, SIR? A HUNDRED PERCENT.

IS SOMETHING NOT AT YOUR LIKING? JUST GIVE ME THE BILL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU... VERY MUCH.

I CAN ASSURE YOU I WON'T BE COMING BACK HERE IN A HURRY.

Si, signore? I'D LIKE TO CHECK INTO A ROOM, PLEASE.

ARE YOU SURE? A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE.

GOOD GIRL.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

STRICTLY BUSINESS, RIGHT?

Eccoci qua. Signor ORTON IS HERE.

FINALLY, THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.

THERE HE IS! Signor ORTON?

Signor ORTON, YOUR WIFE IS HERE.

- THAT IS NOT MY HUSBAND. - YES IT IS.

- YOU'RE Signor ORTON, si? - LAWTON, MIKE LAWTON.

I'M LOOKING FOR HORTON, MAURICE HORTON.

Eccoci qua. A telefono.

NO, NO! TAKE ME TO HIS ROOM.

IT'S A SURPRISE.

SPEEDBOAT. SPEEDBOAT.

SPEEDBOAT. WHAT?

NOTHING.

OH, CARRY ON... TIGER.

[ Chuckle, Growl ]

[ Groan, Chuckle ]

Permesso... é permesso?

Signor ORTON? YES!

I HAVE A BIG-A SURPRISE FOR YOU!

FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD! THAT IS NOT MY HUSBAND.

IS IT REALLY THAT DIFFICULT? MAURICE HORTON.

BIG MISUNDERSTOOD.

SORRY. EXCUSE US. SORRY, BOYS.

THAT'S HIM. MAURICE HORTON.

DO I PAY YOU NOW? YOU DON'T CARRY THAT SORT OF CASH AROUND, DO YOU?

WHAT SORT OF CASH ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK IT'S WORTH? I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S ALL NEW TO ME.

UM...

SIXTY?

EIGHTY?

A HUNDRED?

OKAY. A HUNDRED.

A HUNDRED THOUSAND IS ABOUT RIGHT.

A HUNDRED THOUSAND? NO, NO. I WAS TALKING POUNDS.

SO AM I. A HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS.

WHAT?

ARE YOU DEAF AS WELL AS DEBAUCHED?

WATCH MY MOUTH. ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS.

A HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS FOR A BIT OF RUMPY-PUMPY?

HHH-- HHHO--

HHH-- HHOR--

HHOR-- HORTO-- HORTON!

WHAT THE HELL IS MEDI-DATE?

WHAT THE HELL ARE VENI VILLAS?

HHH-- HHOR--

HHOR-- HORTO--

HOR-- HORTON.

[ Knocking ] YES, BUT I LIVE IN ENGLAND.

WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT A VILLA IN VENICE FOR?

LOOK, I WOULDN'T LET YOU SCREW ME FOR NOTHING.

[ Knocking ]

I'M AFRAID YOU JUST DID, SWEETHEART.

[ Sigh ]

HHOR--

HORTON? YES?

HORTON! WITH A "H"? YES!

- I HAVE A BIG SURPRISE FOR YOU. - LOOK, MATE-- ROSEMARY!

MAURICE.

THANK YOU. YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT HELP.

[ Door Closing ]

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU WEARING? WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, ROSEMARY?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING HERE, DARLING?

I WAS SHOPPING IN SAINSBURY'S AND GUESS WHO I MET BY THE FROZEN FISH?

THAT GIRL THAT WORKS IN YOUR BRANCH, AMANDA--

- STAINROD? - AMANDA STAINROD.

"GOOD HEAVENS, MRS. HORTON," SHE SAID. "BACK ALREADY?"

"BACK ALREADY?" I SAID. "FROM VENICE," SHE SAID.

HA-HA. "HOW WAS IT?"

I'M NOT GONNA STAND IN SAINSBURY'S AND TELL THE WHOLE TOWN...

THAT THEIR MAYOR GOES ON HOLIDAY WITHOUT HIS WIFE.

AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

HE WAS AT A FINANCIAL CONFERENCE IN BUXTON.

"VERY NICE," I SAID. "IT WAS VERY NICE."

LOOK, ROSEMARY-- SO I WENT HOME AND THOUGHT...

WHY SHOULD AMANDA BLOODY STAINROD THINK YOU'RE IN VENICE...

WHILE I THINK YOU'RE IN BUXTON?

"AH, SIMPLE, ROSEMARY," I THOUGHT.

- "IT'S ANOTHER WOMAN." - ROSEMARY!

WHAT I SHOULD BE TELLING THE WHOLE TOWN, OF COURSE,

IS THAT THEIR MAYOR IS AWAY, AT RATEPAYERS' EXPENSE,

HAVING A BIT OF ADRIATIC SLAP AND TICKLE.

LOOK, ROSEMARY, YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG.

[ Toilet Flushing ]

NOW, THIS IS GOING TO LOOK ODD, ROSEMARY.

OH, HELLO.

[ Maurice ] AHEM.

THIS IS MY WIFE, ROSEMARY.

OH, HI. WELCOME TO VENICE.

OH, THANK YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOUR WIFE WAS STAYING IN ENGLAND.

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT HER TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?

LOOKS LIKE THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG NOW.

HELLO, I'M CAROLINE WRIGHT, VENI VILLAS ESTATE AGENCY.

YOUR HUSBAND AND I--

I'M SORRY, HIS LORDSHIP AND I...

WERE JUST FINALIZING THE DETAILS ON A VILLA HE'S BUYING.

A VILLA! YES.

HIS LORDSHIP WAS VERY KEEN TO GET HIS HANDS...

ON AT LEAST ONE OF MY PROPERTIES, AND BEING A MAN IN HIS POSITION,

HE WANTED IT KEPT FAIRLY HUSH-HUSH.

WE GUARANTEE ABSOLUTE DISCRETION.

HE CAN REST ASSURED THAT I WON'T TELL ANYONE WHAT HE'S BEEN UP TO OUT HERE.

MAURICE, IS THIS TRUE?

[ Caroline ] I'D BETTER SAY MY arrivedercis.

SO, YOU'LL ARRANGE FOR THAT SPECIFIED AMOUNT?

IN CASH, ITALIAN LIRE?

TOMORROW, LIKE WE SAID?

AND THE KEYS TO THE LOVELY VILLA ROMANO WILL BE YOURS.

I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW AND WE CAN MAKE A DATE, AS IT WERE.

Ciao.

OHH. Ciao.

OH!

OH, MAURICE. I'M SORRY.

WHAT A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL SURPRISE!

YEAH.

IT SUITS YOU, THAT SHIRT.

YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE HIT MEN, AREN'T YOU?

A KILLER, A PAID KILLER,

LIKE EDWARD FOX IN "DAY OF THE JACKAL."

WHY SHOULD YOU WANT TO KILL ME?

OH MY GOD!

LOOK, IT SAYS MEDI-DATE.

IT'S A DATING AGENCY.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FALL IN LOVE, NOT GET SHOT AT.

LOOK AT THE TOP... MEDI-DATE!

YOU DON'T ASK QUESTIONS IN MY JOB. IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU STARTED.

I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP ME HERE.

I KNOW TOO MUCH.

I KNOW TOO MUCH? I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!

THIS MAURICE HORTON,

THIS ASSASSIN,

HE'S GONNA DIE, YOU KNOW THAT.

WELL, I-- I DIDN'T UNTIL YOU JUST TOLD ME, NO.

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN THAT. ALL I WANT TO DO...

IS LOOK AROUND THE VILLA.

IF I DON'T DO THAT, I'M OUT OF A JOB. THAT'S ALL I CARE ABOUT.

DEAD MEN DON'T NEED JOBS.

[ Scarpa ] WHEN MAURICE HORTON DIES...

YOU KNOW WHO'S-A KILLED HIM.

YES, I DO, I-- OKAY, BUT...

CAN WE JUST PRETEND I DON'T? THAT'S NOT-A THE WAY WE DO THINGS.

TELL-A ME, WHEN-A THIS-A PIG DIES,

AND-A HE WILL DIE, HOW CAN WE GUARANTEE YOUR SILENCE?

WELL, I-- I MEAN GUARANTEE!

I TELL-A YOU, THERE ARE TWO WAYS.

Numero uno, WE KILL-A YOU OFF.

SILENCE A GUARANTEE, NO?

OH.

WHAT IS numero TWO-O, duo--

Due! Due.

YOU KILL HIM.

OF COURSE, WE WILL PAY YOU BIG MONEY...

SO IT'LL LOOK VOLUNTARY, si? [ Gasping ]

- WE ARE NOT SO UNREASONABLE. - I, I--

[ Sigh ]

THEY THOUGHT MIKE LAWTON WAS MICHAEL HORTON. LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS LATER.

I'D HAVE THOUGHT YOU'D HAVE CHOSEN SOMETHING... MORE MYSTERIOUS.

LAWTON'S A BIT ORDINARY, ISN'T IT? IT'S MEANT TO BE ORDINARY.

FINE, IT'S JUST THAT IN THE BOOKS THEY'RE NOT SO BORING.

WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING? I DON'T KNOW. I'M NOT A KILLER, AM I?

I READ ONE ONCE WHERE THE--

LOOK, YOU HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO GIVE YOUR MOUTH A REST.

THIS IS SECRET BUSINESS, SERIOUS.

I DON'T WANT THE WHOLE BLOODY WORLD TO KNOW!

[ Patricia ] OH, LOOK. THERE SHE IS!

THAT MUST BE HIM.

GOD, HE'S NO CLARK GABLE, IS HE?

[ Maurice ] I'LL EXPLAIN WHEN I GET BACK.

JOHNSON, DON'T ARGUE ABOUT IT, JUST DO IT!

HAVE YOU GOT A PEN? RIGHT.

I WANT A HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS, WHATEVER THAT IS IN LIRE,

DIRECT TO THE HOTEL GABRIELLI BY 11:00 TOMORROW.

HAVE YOU GOT THAT?

OH... GABRIELLI.

IF HE'S THAT RICH, I DON'T SUPPOSE IT MATTERS THAT HE'S MARRIED.

A HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS!

THAT'S WHAT I WAS GETTIN'.

WHAT? EXACTLY?

THAT WAS MY FEE.

[ Maurice Indistinct ]

JUST MAKE SURE THE CASH GETS HERE!

YOU GOT HIS ENVELOPE. HE GOT YOURS.

HE GOT THE TARGET, YOU GOT ME. HE'S DONE IT.

HE'S DONE THE JOB FOR YOU! YOU'RE JOKIN'.

HE COULDN'T DO IT. WHY NOT? ANY FOOL COULD DO IT.

LOOK, I'M NOT A PLUMBER!

IT'S A HIGHLY-SKILLED JOB. OH, RUBBISH!

HE'S GOT THE INSTRUCTIONS. ALL HE NEEDS IS A BIT OF NERVE, SPARE TIME,

AND WALLOP... HE'S GOT YOUR MAN... AND YOUR MONEY.

[ Maurice ] I'VE DONE IT NOW AND THAT'S HOW MUCH IT COSTS.

YOU GOT A HAIRPIN?

WHAT? A HAIRPIN.

OH, YES.

YES, BYE. IDIOT.

WELL, salute.

STINKIN' A HUNDRED THOUSAND FOR MY LIFE!

HE PICKS IT UP-A HERE TOMORROW, BOSS.

OUR Signore HORTON IS-A VERY CONFIDENT, NO?

IT WOULD BE VERY NICE, OF COURSE, IF WE COULD TAKE HIS MONEY...

AS WELL AS HIS LIFE, HUH?

WE COULD USE THAT MONEY TO PAY YOU WHEN YOU KILL-A THE FAT PIG.

PLEASE, MR. SCARPA, I, I--

I CAN'T SHOOT ANYBODY. I COULDN'T DO IT.

NO, I KNOW YOU COULDN'T. IT'S OKAY. NO WORRY.

YOU USE A BOMB.

[ Scarpa ] THERE IT IS.

OH, COME ON.

I CAN'T BEAR IT.

MISS CAROLINE WRIGHT.

IT WAS A WOMAN!

HE KILLED A WOMAN. THE LIFT'S COMING.

SLEEP WELL.

[ Sigh ]

LOOK, PATRICIA, I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER,

OR WHAT NEARLY HAPPENED. IT'S OKAY.

ALL PART OF THE BUSINESS, I EXPECT.

YOU KNOW, TODAY...

I'VE BEEN STOOD UP BY MY DATE, A MARRIED MAN.

I'VE BEEN AIMED AT BY A HIRED KILLER, A GUN HELD TO MY HEAD.

I'VE BEEN HELD CAPTIVE AGAINST MY WILL...

BY A STRANGE MAN IN A STRANGE HOTEL ROOM...

AND IT'S BEEN ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

REALLY?

YOU CAN GO NOW, IF YOU WANT.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ANYONE, ARE YOU?

NO ONE TO TELL. REALLY, NO ONE!

I'M MISSING AND NOBODY KNOWS.

WHEN I'M NOT MISSING, NOBODY KNOWS.

♪

[ TV Announcer ] ...AND OFTEN ACHIEVES A BULK OF FOUR TONS.

YET HE'S SURPRISINGLY AGILE... BABY HIPPOS.

[ TV ] IN A MOCK BATTLE OR IN THE REAL THING.

THE POWER IN THESE PONDEROUS JAWS IS TREMENDOUS.

THE LIFE I LEAD IS A MUNDANE, SICK EXISTENCE.

AND LONELY? YOU THINK YOU'RE LONELY?

YOU SHOULD TRY BEING AN ASSASSIN.

DON'T MEET MANY PEOPLE WHEN YOU'RE AN ASSASSIN,

NOT FOR LONG ANYWAY.

YES, BUT WHAT A LIFE!

I BET YOU'VE SOME STORIES TO TELL.

WHO TO?

ME.

I ONLY NEEDED THIS ONE.

I WAS GONNA MAKE THIS THE LAST BIG ONE, THEN I CAN GET OUT OF THIS CRAP.

BUY A FLOWER SHOP. A FLOWER SHOP?

YOU? YEAH.

WELL...

THAT WOULD BE A CHANGE OF DIRECTION. NOW I'VE BLOWN IT.

GET IT BACK. HE'S DONE ALL THE DIRTY WORK FOR YOU.

- IT'S YOUR MONEY, GET IT BACK. - WHAT? STEAL IT?

A BIT BELOW YOU, STEALING?

IT'S NOT AS IF HE'S GOING TO TELL ANYONE.

NICE IDEA. EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

RUBBISH! WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

[ Snoring ]

[ Groaning ]

SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING HORTON.

YES, SORRY.

[ Mike ] WHAT'S THE PLAN?

WHAT? IT WAS YOUR IDEA. WHAT DO WE DO NOW, BOSS?

IT'S EASY.

WE'RE STEALING THE MONEY FROM HIM, RIGHT? YES.

WHEN'S THE BEST TIME TO DO THAT THEN?

AT THE PERFECT MOMENT.

THAT'S WHAT THIS GAME'S ALL ABOUT... WAITING,

WAITING FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT.

AND HERE IT COMES.

HERE-A WE ARE, signore.

A HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS. TWO HUNDRED AND TEN MILLION LIRE.

THANK YOU. [ Bellboy ] Scusi, signore.

Telefono. Grazie.

Prego.

ACTUALLY--

WHAT'S THE MATTER, MAURICE?

COULD I PUT THIS IN HOTEL SECURITY FOR A COUPLE HOURS? Si, Signor ORTON.

HORTON. ORTON.

HORTON... MAURICE HORTON.

MAURICE HORTON. YES.

ROOM 2-3-5. HAVE YOU GOT THAT?

ROSSI, YOU SEE THAT CASE? HMM?

Si.

YOU GO SHOPPING.

HOR-HORTON. YES.

PLEASE TAKE NOTE.

[ Sigh ] THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

IT'S IDENTICAL, BOSS.

PERFECT. PERFECT!

UH, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

ARE YOU READY?

CAN I PLACE THIS IN, UM, HOTEL SECURITY, PLEASE?

Si, Signor HORTON.

NO, NO... ORTON. ORTON.

- ORTON. - ORTON.

ROOM 3-1, UH, NAUGHT. ORTON.

ALL-A YOU GOTTA DO IS-A GET IN THERE AND SWAP-A THE TAGS.

WE GET-A THE MONEY AND THAT HORTON SHIT,

HE GET-A WHAT HE DESERVE.

[ Mumbling ]

NOTE.

- PLEASE TAKE NOTE. - RIGHT, THANK YOU.

OKAY.

I'LL PICK IT UP LATER. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE THANKS.

[ Indistinct Chatter ]

SO YOU'VE NEVER FELT THE NEED...

FOR A WOMAN'S COMPANY? YES, MAYBE, BUT...

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN A NON-STARTER, WHAT WITH MY OCCUPATION.

IT'S A BIT OF A PASSION KILLER, ISN'T IT?

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? ME? OH I SHOOT PEOPLE.

IT'S NOT A KISS ON THE CHEEK AND "HAVE A NICE DAY," IS IT?

DON'T FRET. THINGS'LL PICK UP WHEN YOU'RE A FLORIST.

SO THERE'S NEVER BEEN ANYTHING REALLY SPECIAL?

NO, NOT REALLY. NOTHING TO SET THE WORLD ON FIRE.

[ Scream ]

DEAR GOD, fuoco.

Non avvicinatevi! Lontani, lontani!

Lontani, lontani!

Italiano, attenzione.

[ Bellboy ] Francese, attention.

ENGLISH, ATTENTION! Americano...

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

[ Bellboy ] Santa Madonna. Pericoloso!

Non avvicinatevi. Lontani!

Grazie, grazie, veccio.

Tu sei un genio.

[ Rosemary ] WHAT TIME DID SHE SAY SHE'D RING?

SHE DIDN'T SAY A TIME.

PERHAPS SHE'S DECIDED NOT TO. PERHAPS SHE'S FORGOTTEN. [ Ringing ]

YES. MISS WRIGHT. MR. HORTON?

HAVE YOU GOT THE MONEY? YES, I HAVE.

WHERE IS IT? HERE AT THE HOTEL.

BRING IT TO THE VILLA. THE VILLA?

ARE YOU ARGUING WITH ME? ALL RIGHT.

HOW SOON CAN YOU GET THERE? ABOUT AN HOUR.

SEE YOU THEN, BIG BOY. RIGHT.

Arrivederci. Arrivederci TO YOU TOO.

HORTON, 2-3-5. THANKS.

THANK YOU. Grazie.

Prego.

YOU'RE HOLDING A CASE OF MINE.

MELVYN ORTON, ROOM 3-1-0.

[ Melvyn ] YOU SURE THIS IS RIGHT?

DO WE WANT TO SETTLE YOUR ACCOUNT NOW?

WHAT? NO, LATER. OH.

YOU'RE-A COMING BACK THEN?

OF COURSE I'M COMING BACK. I'M COMING BACK, AREN'T I?

[ Footsteps ]

ORTON, 3-1-0. RIGHT. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

UM, ISN'T THAT MINE? NOT YET. YOU HAVE TO EARN IT FIRST.

GIVE ME. Prego.

Per dove? THE LIDO, PLEASE.

THE LIDO!

LET'S GO. THE LIDO. Si, subito.

THE LIDO.

SMILE.

YOU'RE NOT THINKING OF USING THAT, ARE YOU?

WE'RE ONLY DOING THIS SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE THAT THING AGAIN.

OKAY, NOW!

HERE. NO, NO!

WHAT-A YOU SAY? NOT WITH HER THERE. WHAT HAS SHE DONE WRONG?

SHE'S-A MARRY THE LITTLE SHIT. NOW PRESS IT!

THEN JUST-- JUST WAIT 'TIL THEY'VE LANDED.

OH, MAURICE, IS THIS IT?

IT'S JUST--

HONESTLY, MAURICE, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS.

MAURICE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

UH-- IT'S JUST--

I DON'T LIKE CARRYING SO MUCH CASH ABOUT, THAT'S ALL.

OH, MAURICE, IT'S JUST-- IT'S WONDERFUL!

MAURICE, SHE'LL BE HERE SOON.

IF IT WORRIES YOU SO MUCH, SIT ON IT.

[ Scarpa ] PRESS IT! PRESS IT!

PRESS IT!

PRESS IT.

[ Sigh ] AGAIN.

IT'S NOT WORKING.

IT'S NOT WORKING. WE MUST BE OUT OF RANGE.

TAKE US IN CLOSER. WE CAN'T, BOSS.

IT'S TOO SHALLOW FOR THIS BOAT.

GOTCHA! HA-HA-HA.

NO! IT'S OKAY. IT'S JUST FOR SHOW.

-REMEMBER, YOU STILL IN-A RANGE. -WHAT ABOUT MY MONEY?

DON'T WORRY. WE TAKE CARE OF FOR YOU.

PAYMENT ON DELIVERY.

OH, UNBELIEVABLE, MAURICE.

- NOOO! NOOO! - MAURICE!

MAURICE!

[ Screaming ] MAURICE, HELP ME!

STOP!

STOP! THAT'S MINE! THAT'S MINE!

PRESS IT NOW! PRESS IT NOW!

PRESS IT NOW! IT'S NOT WORKING!

- AHH, IT'S MINE! - IT'S BLOODY MINE!

NO IT'S NOT. IT'S MINE!

WHO ARE YOU? CAROLINE WRIGHT.

CAROLINE WRIGHT! YOU'RE DEAD! DEAD?

WHY HAVEN'T YOU KILLED HER?

KILLED ME? KILLED HER?

YOU DID-A PUT-A THE SWITCH ON, YES?

YES, I CHECKED IT WHEN I SWAP-A THE TAGS.

YOU SWAPPED THE TAGS? I SWAPPED THE TAGS!

OH MY GOD!

NO! KILL HIM, BOSS!

THE CASE! GET-A THE CASE.

YOU IDIOTS!

[ Clicking ]

- OH MY GOD! - IT'S HIS. THE MONEY'S HIS.

PUT THE GUN DOWN.

IT'S OKAY, STAY COOL. I'VE GOT THEM COVERED.

IT WAS HIS JOB SO IT'S HIS MONEY. YOU STOLE IT.

STOLE IT? I BEG YOUR PARDON.

I GOT THIS FROM THE BANK THIS MORNING. IT'S MY MONEY.

NOT ANYMORE. IT'S MINE.

MR. HORTON'S BOUGHT THIS VILLA. I'VE GOT THE PAPERS TO PROVE IT.

HE CAME ALL THE WAY FROM ENGLAND TO BUY IT.

BUTT OUT, LADY! HE CAME HERE ON MEDI-DATE.

- MEDI WHAT? - MEDI-DATE. CHECK IT OUT.

LOOK, I GOT THIS MONEY FROM MY BANK.

HERE'S THE RECEIPT.

PUT THE GUN DOWN.

OH, COME ON, PARTNER.

WE'VE COME THIS FAR. PUT THE BLOODY GUN DOWN!

SORRY ABOUT THIS.

LET'S JUST TURN AROUND AND GET OUT OF HERE.

THERE'S BEEN A MISUNDERSTANDING SOMEWHERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MAURICE, WHAT'S MEDI-DATE?

[ Sirens ] GOBBLEDEGOOK. MAD AS A HATTER, POOR WOMAN.

I'LL TELL YOU, YOU WEREN'T BLOODY WORTH IT.

THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE NEITHER IS THE HOUSE.

ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS FOR A VILLA IN VENICE? I CAN'T GO WRONG.

UH, NOBODY'S CALLED FOR ME, HAVE THEY?

Si, si.

UM, THE MISTER MARSHALL CALLED.

HE SAY, "YOU'RE FARTING AROUND,

YOU DICKHEAD."

DICK... HEAD. YES.

I'LL, I'LL--

"YOU ARE A USELESS...

WA--"?

"WASTE OF SPACE." "WASTE OF SPACE."

HE OUT OF PATIENCE. YOU OUT OF JOB.

OKAY. Bravo.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME?

WHAT DO I DO THAT SENDS EVERY MAN PACKING?

I'M NOT PACKING BECAUSE OF YOU. I'M PACKING TO STAY ALIVE.

THE PEOPLE I WORK FOR, THEY'RE NOT NICE.

THEY GIVE YOU A TARGET, YOU BLOODY-WELL KILL HIM. MESS IT UP, THEY KILL YOU.

IF YOU MESS UP LIKE I MESSED UP, CHRIST, THEY'LL NEVER STOP LOOKIN'.

THEY'LL FIND ME.

ACTUALLY, I DID GET TO SEE ONE.

IT'S NOT A VILLA.

IT'S A BIG HOUSE ON THE GRAND CANAL.

UMPTEEN BEDROOMS...

AND A NICE, COZY CELLAR.

UM, AND IT'S EMPTY RIGHT NOW.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GOING TO USE THAT AGAIN.

THAT'S GREAT COMING FROM YOU, MISS RAMBO.

IT'S MY FAULT. LET ME TALK TO THEM.

TALK TO THEM? THEY'RE GONNA BLOW ME AWAY!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? THEY'RE GONNA BLOW YOU AWAY TOO.

THEY'RE NOT PICKY, THESE PEOPLE.

ANY MINUTE, THEY'RE GONNA COME THROUGH THAT DOOR.

WE'RE GONNA END UP A BLOODY MESS ON THE FLOOR! [ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

MESSAGE!

DON'T MOVE.

"MR. LAWTON, CONGRATULATIONS.

"THREE BIRDS WITH ONE STONE. GENEROUS BONUS INCLUDED IN PAYMENT.

ALREADY CREDITED TO YOUR EUROPEAN ACCOUNT."

THE JOB'S DONE? THEY PAID ME?

- Santo Dio! - OH, STEADY ON.

OH YEAH, SORRY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KINDNESS. IF ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO...

TO MAKE YOUR STAY HAPPY, DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL ON ME.

[ Marshall ] WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

HOW MUCH DO THEY WANT FOR IT? UH, TWO HUNDRED AND--

NO, SORRY. THREE HUNDRED...

AND FIFTY... FIVE...

THOUSAND... POUNDS.

RIGHT. GET TO THE BANCO POPOLARE, SAINT MARKS SQUARE,

TAKE SOME I.D. THE CASH'LL BE THERE FOR YOU.

BE ABLE TO MANAGE THAT, WILL YOU?

IF YOU CAN DO THAT, YOU CAN KEEP THE JOB. I-- OH, UH--

[ Panting ]

IF I CAN DO THAT, YOU CAN STUFF THE JOB!

[ Clerk ] THANK YOU, SIR. HAVE A NICE DAY.

Grazie.

Prego.

THE BAHAMAS, PLEASE, AND STEP ON IT... THE RAILWAY STATION, ACTUALLY.

[ Rosemary ] ISN'T THAT THE ESTATE AGENT GIRL?

IS IT? WHAT'S SHE HANGING AROUND FOR...

LOOKING SO PLEASED WITH HERSELF?

YOU'LL HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR NAME. YES, SOMETHING BORING.

MISS SMITH, HOW ABOUT THAT? MISS GLADYS SMITH.

HOW 'BOUT MRS. CHARLTON BLACK?

OH, THAT SOUNDS FAR TOO EXCITING.

WHO'S CHARLTON BLACK?

ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER STRAIGHT AWAY.

I MEAN, IT CAN WAIT. YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IT.

WHY WAIT? THIS IS THE PERFECT MOMENT.

THE ANSWER IS... YES, CHARLTON.

IT'S CHUCK, REALLY.

THE ANSWER IS... YES, CHUCK.

[ Airplane Engine ]

MAURICE.

OH, DEAR.

IT JUST NEEDS A LITTLE BIT OF WORK.

Santo Bischero, credo. Che pasticcio.

E quello é-- Abbiamo finito la settimana scorsa.

Eccolo, eccolo, eccolo! Lí, sulla gondola.

- Attenti. Vai, vai! - FASTER, FASTER!

[ Motor Sputtering ] HUH?

[ Caroline ] OH! OH!

[ Screaming ]

♪ I'M TIRED OF BEING A YES MAN ♪

♪ FOREVER GOING WRONG ♪

♪ I'M GONNA GET MY OWN BACK ♪

♪ YEAH, THE WORM IS GONNA TURN BEFORE TOO LONG ♪

♪ MAYBE NOW AT LAST I'M FEELING STRONG ♪

♪ AND I'M WAITING FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT ♪

♪ HOPIN' FOR AN END TO MY WASTED DAY, MM-HMM ♪

♪ HERE COMES THE PERFECT MOMENT ♪

♪ SUDDENLY THE WORLD DON'T LOOK SO GRAY ♪

♪ GOT TO PRESS THE MUSIC AND SETTLE UP THE SCORE ♪

♪ A CHANGE OF MY DIRECTION ♪

♪ NO, I JUST CAN'T WALK THIS WAYWARD ROAD NO MORE ♪

♪ NOW THERE'S A CLEAR PATH TO YOUR DOOR ♪

♪ AND YOU, YOU KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT ME ♪

♪ TOO MUCH TO LET YOU GO ♪

♪ SO STAY A WHILE LONGER ♪

♪ AND TELL ME THINGS I REALLY WANT TO KNOW ♪

♪ CAN I FIND A PLACE WHERE LOVE CAN GROW ♪

♪ AND I'M WAITING FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT ♪

♪ HOPIN' FOR AN END TO MY WASTED DAY ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ I HOPE I FIND A WAY A WAY TO CONVINCE YOU ♪

♪ THAT WE'VE GOT A CHANCE TO MAKE A NEW START ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN SEARCHING HARD DON'T MAKE NO SENSE TO ♪

♪ STAY APART ♪

♪ YOU'RE HERE IN MY HEART ♪

♪

♪ HERE WE'VE GOT THE PERFECT MOMENT ♪